嗨Rach.我来这儿只是想..对了,我没必要骗你,你不住这儿了.我来吃他们点东西.你干吗呢?Ross和我妹妹约会，他的窗帘拉上两个半小时了.哇，我都不知道我们能泡你妹妹！Joey 我们知道你偷吃.我不要.哦, 窗帘还是拉得那么严吗？是.你知道谁应该拉窗帘?是隔壁的隔壁的变态老夫妇.他们在嘿咻?还用问!呃~!难以置信Ross 和Rachel的妹妹约会! Chandler和我妹妹约会，让我记恨了他10年。那好象是5年前的事.对！我还要恨你五年！Joeyˇ想让它变成6年?!Oh Ross,嘿, 怎样啊?在这儿呐!嘿!我要咖啡.那你昨晚的重大约会怎样?Uhh, 还好. 是的, 很有趣.Yeah 有趣? 很好! 所以uh, 所以你们很合得来喽?我想是.那uh, 那有什么发生吗? 因为有谣传你们拉了窗帘!不.没什么发生. 我拉窗帘是uh, 让她看我最爱的化石幻灯.Oh, 幻灯. 那么真没发生什么.本来是会发生什么的. 知道吗? 她很喜欢幻灯.并且她明确给过我暗示.好吧.是不是, "请别让我看三叶虫照片的暗示?"总之,如果她,如果她对我没兴趣, 为-为什么又约我?她又约-约你?是的明晚,情人节,一年中最浪漫的日子. 谁知道会发生什么? 我再关起窗帘可能就不放幻灯了,你知道我的意思？好-好-好-好-好-好-好! 我知道! 我知道! 我知道! 我不! 我不! 我不! 我受够你和我妹妹的事了， 我只是不……这太怪了,对吧? 我一想到你俩在一起就觉得可怕.我无法接受. 这样不对！- 没事! 没事! 没事! 对你来说是太别扭了，我不再见她了.谢谢.我ˇ好吧.我是说明晚之后.不-不-不! 别-别-别! 别Ross, 我不! 不能这样! 这让我发疯!!!好的! 好的! Ooh-嘿-嘿-嘿! 没事! 我会-我会告她、我今晚不能见她.Ross 谢谢.你要我现在打吗?Oh 不! 不! 不-不-不-不! 不用,我是说 那真是疯了?有点疯.你近况如何? 说说看?这学期我可能要教另一个班!算了你马上打电话.我最爱这段.我也是.Oh 你知道什么比这更悲? 小鹿斑比. 为那电影我哭了三天. 不是，等等，是两天! 因为第三天我妈自杀了，所以只有一部分眼泪是为它而掉.“ET” 让你们流泪、我能理解,但斑比是卡通!斑比的妈妈死时你没哭?没错，那人不画鹿了，确实让人难过!Chandler！哭没什么不好! 我是说你别总像个大男人.大男人？我没有啊.你是对的. 我不知怎么想的.我想我只是从没真正哭过. 我不是易哭型的人.别这么说，一定是什么事让你封闭起来了! 比如uh,uh 呕, 遇到一条三条腿的小狗你会怎样?我会难过，但不会哭.那好, 那如果小狗说, "救我Chandler. 其他小狗都欺负我."哭?! 我刚发现一条说话的狗, 我发了!Oh, 我有这个! 我有这个! 你小时侯的照片. 这会让你有感触的!来吧, 这是怎么回事?Oh, 那是一年级时家长日 那是我和清洁工Martin.你父母呢?Oh 他们不去!Oh Chandler!真可怜!这件事不能让你哭?不能! 看, 我没哭! 这没什么大不了! 对吧?!不!这不对! 完全不对!!你内心已死!!打扰一下.怎么?你是Phoebe Buffay?对.我能要你的签名吗, 我是你的超级崇拜者. Oh 你是我的崇拜者? 早盼着见到你! 嗨! 当然! Wow! Wow,多谢! 我只想说, 我认为你很有天赋.你这么说是因为你是我的崇拜者. Joey 好好招待那个人, 好吗? 他是个崇拜者. Bye!这么说,你看了我的光辉岁月吗?想让我,想让我做点Dr.Drake Remoray的动作吗?我不知你在说什么. 但我,但我刚得到Phoebe Buffay的签名!Oh, 你是Phoebe的崇拜者!Oh 是的! 我看了她所有的电影.电影?她是Phoebe Buffay, 艳星.不是吧.是-是, 她是!演过“性玩具总动员2”, “阿拉伯的劳伦斯”, 我有她的签名!漫画店里那帮家伙绝对不信!嘿Gunther, 别再让那家伙进来了! 他刚说Phoebe是艳星!恩, 我不会叫她明星,但她很不错. 你该看看鸡型神探.嘿!嘿!说出来你不会信, Ross 刚甩了我！又不告诉我为什么!Ohhh 没事的. 你知道吗亲爱的?忘掉一个人最好的办法是开始新的约会. Oh!我那有个很棒的人你一定喜欢，他叫Bob! 人事部的明日之星.谢谢你想让我振作, 但我不想和你公司的随便什么人约会.这不随便, 这是Bob.可能是因为不够成熟. 或不够聪明.也许不喜欢我的穿着?不可能. 我这身绝对显得有智慧. Oh 我真笨! 我笨到极点!不，亲爱的, 好吧, 想知道为什么Ross 取消约会? 是我的意思.你让他?!恩.为什么?!因为你是我妹妹、而我和Ross有那么段历史ˇ我不懂, 你要约Ross吗?不.你不要他，也不让我拥有他?你看人事部的Bob……Ugh! 我不敢相信你这么对我!你让我怀疑我的智力!你让我怀疑自己的穿着品位!这没什么大不了的!你只是别和Ross约会! 天底下男人多的是, 嘿! 你无权告诉我该做什么.我不是告诉你该干什么! 而是告你不该干什么!你为什么这么嫉妒我?Jill 这和我嫉不嫉妒你没关系!这是说你乳臭未干! 想要你得不到的!得不到?! 对不起, 我唯一不能要的只有奶制品！好吧, 你可失去约bob的机会了 !谁?!人事部那个!!!!!!我嫉妒她?! 她以为她是谁?! 卡罗琳公主?!你嫉妒卡罗琳公主?我又没有自己的城堡！嘿! 恩, Phoebe不在吧?不在.Oh 太好了! 你租到电影了吗?Uhhh, 对. 对. 但是uh,我觉得这不是你喜欢的那种.是不是你的电影不足以让我们一晚上用光所有纸巾?差不多伙计, 怎么啦?Phoebe是艳星!什么?!!Phoebe Buffay 参演:吸血惊情--巴菲家族.天哪!这是Phoebe!你们从哪弄到的?Bleake街上的成人录影带店.还有-还有我, 我看到Joey 正要进去, 所以我在他之前跑进去想给他个惊喜, 当时我假装不知道他在那儿.Wow! 我是说, 我只?我不能, 我不能相信. 你看, 我是说你以为了解一个人，即使Phoebe一直有那么多问号.这太怪了. 我想这也能理解,要知道她的童年是多么不幸.嗨, 我有糟糕的童年但我没演A片.是的，但你内心已死.好了。我得还了她.干吗, 为什么?我们不能看这个! 那是Phoebe!你说得对, 我们不能?我们不应该看.绝对不应该.也许一点点!或许看一半.别! 嘿别! 你们这样不对! Phoebe是我们的朋友!好吧, 我不看!对! 干的好Joe!Yeah.Ah, 我想我会在这儿找到你, Nasforatool.Buffay, 你想把木桩插入我的黑暗之地?实际上, 我有点希望反过来等等! 她脚踝上是什么?你在看她的脚踝?很难说ˇ天哪, 她要能不动就好了.她只是在工作!病态混球!Oh, 那是刺青! 奇怪, Phoebe 没有ˇ等等那是Ursula! 不是Phoebe 是Ursula!倒带！ 我可以看了! 后倒! 后倒!嗨! 怎么了? 上帝! 我在干吗?!!嗨甜心!嗨!《心灵鸡汤》? 这沙发没有后挡板!干嘛读这个? 你不是不喜欢这类东西吗？我知道, 但我想了想 也许某一篇会让我哭、那时侯你就不会觉得我, 内心已死.Oh 真贴心! Chandler，如果你不能哭我不在乎, 我爱你.Oh 这真是温暖了我的空荡的锡皮心房.别这样!不是的, 我是说, 认真的想想, 我们结婚, 走上圣坛而我就象这样.我不在乎,因为我知道你这儿是有感觉的. 真的?真的! 假如, 假如有天我们有了孩子, 在产室里医生把孩子递到你手上，你并没哭, 又怎样! 还有，还有假如我们送他去念大学，我们回家后第一次看到他的房间是空着的, 而你还是无动于衷,这也没关系.当然, 我不再为这个担心了.还有，如果我久病后去世.你在写我的悼词，你打开抽屉发现我的留言，写着, "我将永远伴你," 你还是不能掉一滴泪, 我知道你心里泪已成河.Aww, 我真的爱你ˇ你什么毛病?!!!怎么?!怎么?! 你不为亡妻掉滴泪!! 我上天了还给你留言!你对这不是不在意吗?!我在意！你这机器人!!可恶的孩子! 你再按一次铃, 我就ˇOhh, uh Jill. Umm, 这只是我和走廊那头的小孩的游戏. Umm, 他们很喜欢我. Uhh 有-有-有什么事?Rachel 和我吵了一架, 能进来吗? 我说我知道我们不该再见面，我还能接受, 只是我在城里不认识其它人，而我真的需要和人谈谈.当然, 怎么了? 我不想谈这个.好的, ummˇ但你知道什么使我高兴?什么?再看些你那酷极了的幻灯.Wow! 真的?!当然, 我喜欢! 也许你可以给我讲完沙子的种类.好的, 很乐意! 你在这儿等会儿，我去取放映机和笔记!Oh 真棒! 谢谢Ross, 你真是好朋友!Ohh!嗨! 有谁看见Jill? 哪也找不到她.没, 没看见.好吧, Ross家呢? 也许我可以打电话问他见她没. 谁呀?是Phoebe! Phoebe!嗨!Oh 天. 那你去拍A片了.我没有.我们还没拍完!现在你正开工呢!来吧Phoebe!你还用我名字!是, 我能做什么吗?Phoebe, 快!喂, 我正谈话呢! 你? 你是叫她.你知道, 双胞胎上阵可以大赚一票.什么?!对呀, 我可以跟他们说一下，给你，30块钱.不!! 没门! 不!别用我的名字! 以你为耻! 以你们为耻! 你真讨厌! 还戴着那个!幻灯准备好了.是吗. Ooh, 我知道缺了什么! 酒!Uh 好的, 酒在厨房.Oh 真好!喂?我妹妹在那里干吗?! 而且为什么又拉窗帘?!每事, Rach 平静点, 好吗? 她很烦恼，我们只是谈谈.Ross! 她想和你发生点什么来报复我!那这就是她来这儿的原因huh? 就不能有别的情况，也许我是个不错的倾听者，而且我uh我放最棒的幻灯!Ross, 我告你，她在利用你来报复我!你知道吗? 我觉得我可以照顾自己, 以后再谈. 再见.Whoa! Uh, 那是你姐姐. 她觉得你在利用我.如何?嗨!嗨!我刚刚到Ursula工作的公司.Oh别, 你怎么也!不是!不是!我只是签收了Buffay的支票; 还真多.好!Um-mmm, 而且我也不用再去了因为我给了他们“正确”的地址.干的好, 但人们还当你是艳星不是很麻烦?Oh 不!不!我有法子处理.真的?/当然. 你是不是想想起在哪见过我? 好的,我给你点提示.从A片!对吧? 是的你的变态男友在A片里见过我!怎么?耶.嗨.你uh,关于Jill你是对的.Oh! 我就知道! 发生了?Umm, 她吻了我.什么?! 接吻了!也许我们该回避.嘘!!!你瞧, 我uh, 我试着不去吻她是吗, 听起来不象! 我是说, 不吻别人很简单, 你只需要不去吻她! 看我们, 现在, 没接吻!让我说完好吗? 她开始吻我我没制止. 我想我只是没思考ˇ对，你没思考! 知道吗? 让我给你点东西思考! Oh 等等? 等等! 但当我开始思考我就停止了接吻.你把舌头从我妹嘴里拔出来这么久了才告诉我这些.我还应该谢谢你，是不是？！我在想如果我和Jill发生什么，那么我们之间就什么也不会再发生了!什么?!我是说,我不知我们之间会发生什么, 再一次.永远. 但我不希望得知永远不会. 所以我制止了她，她气坏了还砸了我的放映机.Wow. 我, 我不知该说什么. 谢谢. 不客气.天呐! 你哭了?我只是不知道为什么这两人没结果!好了, 我走了!因为我不想和破坏感情的人再呆一天，就是你Rachel!是的, 我知道.还有你!我把自己给了你而你却说不, 你是基佬?保重Jill.好了, 再见! Bye-bye-e!Bye.我简直不敢相信吉尔已经走了. 我一开闸就控制不住了.
The One Where Chandler Can’t Cry
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still looking out the window as Joey enters.]
Joey: (sees Rachel) Oh, uh, hey Rach. I uh, I was just coming over here to uh… Oh wait, I don’t have to lie to you, you don’t live here anymore. Uh, I’m eating their food. What are you doing?
Rachel: Ross is on a date with my sister and they shut the drapes two and a-half-hours ago.
Joey: Whoa, I didn’t know we could date your sister!
(Chandler and Monica enter from their room and Joey quickly hides the bag of potato chips behind his back.)
Monica: Joey we know you steal our food.
(Joey offers them some potato chips.)
Chandler: I’m good.
Monica: (To Rachel) Oh, are the drapes still closed hon?
Rachel: Yeah. And y’know who should’ve shut their drapes? Is that perverted old couple two doors over.
Chandler: (looking) Is that a swing?
Rachel: Oh don’t even ask!
Joey: I can’t believe Ross went out with Rachel’s sister! When Chandler made out with my sister I was mad at him for 10 years.
Chandler: That was like 5 years ago.
Joey: Yeah you got 5 years left!
Joey: You wanna make it 6?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is on the couch reading as Rachel enters. It’s the next day.]
Rachel: Oh Ross, hi! Hey, how are ya? There you are!
Rachel: (to Gunther) I’ll take a coffee. (To Ross) So how was your big date last night?
Ross: Uhh, it was okay. Yeah, it was fun.
Rachel: Yeah fun? Great! So uh, so did you guys hit it off?
Ross: I guess so.
Rachel: So uh, so did anything happen? Because rumor has it you guys shut the drapes!
Ross: No. No. Nothing happened. I shut the drapes to uh, show her slides of my favorite fossils.
Rachel: Oh, slides. (Laughs.) So really nothing happened.
Ross: Something could’ve happened. All right? She-she really dug my slides. And-and she was definitely giving me the vibe.
Rachel: Right. Was it the, "Please don’t show me another picture of a trilobite vibe?"
Ross: Anyway, if she, if she wasn’t in to me, why-why would she ask me out again?
Rachel: She asked-asked you out again?
Ross: Yeah-uh-huh. Tomorrow night, Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year. Who knows what could happen? I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my slides, if you know what I mean.
Rachel: Okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay! I got it! I got it! I got it! I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! I cannot go with you and my sister thing. Okay? I just can’t. It’s just too weird, all right? I imagine the two of you together and I freak out. It freaks me out. I can’t do it! I can’t do it.
Ross: (while Rachel is finishing her rant) Okay! Okay! Okay! It’s okay. (Rachel stops.) It’s okay. Hey, it’s too weird for you, I won’t see her again.
Rachel: Thank you. I…yeah.
Ross: I mean after tomorrow night.
Rachel: No-no-no! No-no-no! Please Ross, I can’t! I can’t do it! (Starts to freak out.) It’s just gonna freak me out!!!
Ross: Okay! Okay! Ooh-hey-hey-hey! Okay! Okay! Okay! I’ll-I’ll tell her tonight I can’t see her anymore.
Rachel: Ross thanks.
Ross: You want me to call her right now?
Rachel: Oh no! No! No-no-no-no! No, I mean come on that’s-that’s crazy—I mean that’s crazy. So what’s-what’s going on with you? What is going on with you?
Ross: Well umm, oh! I might be teaching another class this semester!
Rachel: Yeah do it now, call right now.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are watching ET.]
Monica: (crying) This is my favorite part.
Phoebe: (crying) Yeah me too.
(We see the TV and it’s the last scene where ET is saying goodbye.)
Phoebe: Oh y’know what’s sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for three days with that movie. No wait two! Because on the third day my mother killed herself so I was partly crying for that.
Chandler: (totally not crying) Well see now that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon!
Joey: (crying) You didn’t cry when Bambi’s mother died?
Chandler: Yes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer!
Monica: Chandler there’s nothing wrong with crying! I mean you don’t have to be so macho all the time.
Chandler: I’m not macho.
Monica: Yeah you’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking.
Chandler: No, I guess I just never really cried. Y’know? I’m not a crying kind of guy.
Joey: Come on man there’s gotta be something that gets you choked up! Like uh, uh oh, what if you saw a three-legged puppy?
Chandler: I’d be sad sure, but I wouldn’t cry.
Joey: Okay, what if the puppy said, "Help me Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me."
Chandler: Cry?! I just found a talking puppy, I’m rich!
Monica: Oh, I’ve got it! I have got it! (Gets up and gets something from the dresser underneath the TV.) Pictures from your childhood. This will get you going good!
(Chandler starts paging through the album.)
Phoebe: All right, what’s going on there? (Points to a picture.)
Chandler: Oh, that’s Parent’s Day, first grade. That’s me with the janitor Martin.
Monica: Where were your parents?
Chandler: Oh they didn’t want to come!
Phoebe: Oh Chandler!
Monica: Poor thing!
Phoebe: So that story doesn’t make you cry?
Chandler: No! Look, I don’t cry! It’s not a big deal! Okay?!
Joey: No! It’s not okay! It’s not okay at all!! You’re dead inside!!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is putting away her guitar as a man approaches.]
The Fan: Excuse me.
The Fan: Are you Phoebe Buffay?
The Fan: Can-can I get your autograph, I’m your biggest fan. (Holds out a napkin and a pen.)
Phoebe: Oh you’re my biggest fan? I’ve always wanted to meet you! Hi! (Shakes his hand.) Sure! Yeah! (Signs the autograph)
The Fan: Wow! Wow, thanks a lot! I just wanna say, I think you’re really talented.
Phoebe: You’re just saying that because you’re my biggest fan. (The fan leaves and Joey approaches.) (To Joey) Joey listen, take good care of that guy, okay? (Points) He’s a fan. (To the fan as she’s leaving) Bye! (Exits)
Joey: (to the fan) So, you saw me on Days Of Our Lives huh? Want me to, want me to do a little Dr. Drake Remoray for ya?
The Fan: I have no idea what you’re talking about. But I, but I just got Phoebe Buffay’s autograph!
Joey: Oh, you’re Phoebe’s fan!
The Fan: Oh yeah! I’ve seen all her movies.
The Fan: That was Phoebe Buffay, the porn star.
Joey: (laughs) I don’t think so.
The Fan: No-no, it was! She was in Sex Toy Story 2, Lawrence of Alabia, and I got her autograph! The guys at the comic book store aren’t gonna believe this! (Exits.)
Joey: Hey Gunther, don’t let that guy in here anymore! He just said Phoebe’s a porn star!
Gunther: Well, I wouldn’t call her a star, but she’s really good. You should check out Inspecther Gadget.
[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse, Rachel is at the counter as Jill enters.]
Jill: You’ll never believe what just happened, Ross just totally blew me off and he didn’t even tell me why!
Rachel: Ohhh well. Y’know what honey? The best thing to do to get over a guy is to start dating someone else. Oh! There is this great guy you will love at work named Bob! He’s a real up-and-comer in Human Resources.
Jill: Y’know, thanks for trying to cheer me up, but I’m not gonna date some random guy from your work.
Rachel: It’s not random, it’s Bob.
Jill: It’s probably because not mature enough. Or smart enough. Maybe he doesn’t like the way I dress—No that can’t be it. It’s really gotta be the smart thing. Oh I’m so stupid! I’m just like this incredibly pretty stupid girl!
Rachel: No honey, okay, okay, you wanna know why Ross canceled the date? Because I asked him to.
Jill: You asked him too?!
Rachel: Because you are my sister and Ross and I have this huge history…
Jill: I don’t understand, do you want to go out with Ross?
Jill: You don’t want him, but you don’t want me to have him?
Rachel: (changing the subject) Y’know Bob in Human Resources…
Jill: Ugh! I cannot believe you did this too me! You had me doubting how smart I was! (Gasps) You had me doubting my fashion sense!
Rachel: Look, this is not that big of a deal! You just don’t date Ross! There’s a million other guys out there, you just…
Jill: Hey! You have no right to tell me what to do.
Rachel: I’m not telling you what to do! I am telling you what not to do!
Jill: Why are you so jealous of me?
Rachel: Jill this is not about me being jealous of you! This is about you being a brat! Wanting what you can’t have!
Jill: Can’t have?! Excuse me, the only thing I can’t have is dairy! (Starts to storm out.)
Rachel: All right, all right, well you just blew your chances at dating Bob!
Rachel: In Human Resources!!!!!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is ranting about Jill to Chandler and Monica.]
Rachel: …I am jealous of her?! I mean who does she think she is?! Princess Caroline?!
Monica: You’re jealous of Princess Caroline?
Rachel: Do I have my own castle?
(Joey and Ross enter.)
Ross: Hey! Uh, Phoebe’s not here is she?
Monica: (noticing the bag Joey’s carrying) Oh great! Did you get a movie?
Joey: Uhhh, yeah. Yeah. But uh, I don’t think it’s the kind you’re gonna like.
Chandler: You didn’t get more movies that are gonna have us reaching for the tissues all night did you?
(Joey and Ross exchange looks.)
Joey: Sort of…
Monica: Guys, what’s going on?
Joey: (holds up the movie) Phoebe’s a porn star!
(They all run over to Joey and Ross, Chandler grabs the movie and reads the title.)
Chandler: Phoebe Buffay in Buffay: The Vampire Layer.
Rachel: Oh my God!
Monica: That’s Phoebe! Where did you get that?
Joey: Well down at the adult video place down on Bleaker.
Ross: And-and I, and I saw that Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of him to-to surprise him and, and then I pretended I didn’t know he was in there. (They all kinda look at him.)
Rachel: Wow! I mean, I just—I can’t, I can’t believe this. Y’know, I mean you think you know someone even, even Phoebe who’s always been somewhat of a question mark.
Monica: This is so bizarre. I guess it kinda makes sense though, y’know she had such a terrible childhood.
Chandler: Hey, I had a terrible childhood and I don’t do porn.
Monica: Yes, but you are dead inside.
Joey: All right well, I’d better take that back.
Monica: Wh-what, why?
Joey: We can’t watch that! I mean that’s Phoebe!
Monica: Yeah you’re right, we can’t—we shouldn’t watch this.
Rachel: Absolutely not.
Monica: (hands the tape back to Joey, but doesn’t let him grab it) Y’know maybe a little bit!
Rachel: Probably just the first half.
Joey: No! Hey no! This is wrong you guys! Phoebe’s our friend! Well, I’m not gonna watch it!
Ross: Yeah! Good for you Joe!
(Ross stands next to him for a second, then goes and watches the movie.)
(The movie starts, it’s a vampire’s lair and Buffay, The Vampire Layer enters dressed in leather and carrying a wooden stake. Suddenly, the vampire opens his coffin and sits up.
Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Ah, I thought I’d find you here, Nasforatool.
The Vampire: Buffay, are you going to plunge your stake into my dark places?
Buffay, the Vampire Layer: Actually, I was kinda hoping it would be the other way around.
(At this point, Buffay, the Vampire Layer and Nasforatool start to get it on. Of course, since this is network TV, we can only see the reactions of the gang to the film playing off screen.)
Monica: Hold on a second! What is that on her ankle?
Chandler: Her ankle is what you’re watching?
Rachel: Well it’s hard to tell… (Rachel gets up to get a closer look, only she’s having some trouble.) Oh God, if she would just stop moving.
Chandler: She’s just doing her job!
Joey: (sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the TV) You sick bastards!
Rachel: Oh, it’s a tattoo! That’s weird, Phoebe doesn’t… Wait that’s Ursula! That’s not Phoebe that is Ursula!
(Upon hearing this, Joey can’t turn his chair around fast enough and knocks it over.)
Joey: Re! Re! Then I can watch that! Rewind it! Rewind it!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey! What’s up? (Sees the TV) Oh my God! What am I doing?!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is reading Chicken Soup for the Soul as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey sweetie!
Chandler: Hey! (He quickly tries to hide the book by throwing it under the couch, only the couch has no back and it slides into the kitchen.)
Monica: (picking up the book) Chicken Soup for the Soul?
Chandler: There’s no back to this couch!
Monica: Why are you reading this? You hate this kind of stuff.
Chandler: Yeah I know, but I figured a shot y’know? Maybe one of those stories would make me cry and then you wouldn’t think I was y’know, all dead inside.
Monica: Oh that’s so sweet! Look Chandler I don’t care if you can’t cry, I love you.
Chandler: Oh that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.
Monica: Stop it!
Chandler: No, I mean, come on, seriously think about it, we get married, we’re up at the altar and I’m like this. (Makes a bored face.)
Monica: I won’t care, because I know you will be feeling it all in here. (Points to her heart.)
Monica: Yeah! And if, and if we have a baby one-day, and the doctor hands it to you in the delivery room and you don’t cry, so what! And-and-and, and if we take him to college and come home and see his empty room for the first time, and you got nothing, it won’t matter to me.
Chandler: Okay, well I won’t uh, worry about this anymore then.
Monica: And-and-and if I die, from a long illness. And you’re writing out my eulogy and you open a desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, "I will always be with you," and you still can’t shed one tiny tear, I know you’ll be crying a river inside.
Chandler: Aww, I love you so…
Monica: What is wrong with you?!!!
Monica: What?! You can’t shed a tear for your dead wife!! Now, I left you a note from the beyond!
Chandler: So you didn’t mean any of that?!
Monica: No you robot!!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, his doorbell is ringing and he’s running to answer it while doing up his pants.]
Ross: You damn kids! You ring my bell one more time, I swear to… (Opens the door to find Jill standing there.) Ohh, uh Jill. Umm, that-that’s just a little game I play with the kids down the hall. Umm, they’ve really taken a liking to me. (Quickly looks out to see if they’re watching.) Uhh what’s-what’s-what’s the matter?
Jill: Rachel and I had a really big fight, can I come in? I-I mean I know we’re not supposed to see each other anymore and I’m okay with that, it’s just that I don’t know anybody in the city and I really need somebody to talk to about it.
Ross: Of course, what happened? (Lets her in.)
Jill: (entering) I don’t want to talk about it.
Ross: Okay, umm…
Jill: But you know what might really cheer me up?
Jill: Seeing some more of your super-cool slides.
Ross: Wow! Really?!
Jill: Totally, I love them! And, maybe you could finish telling me about all the different kinds of sand.
Ross: Well, I’d love to! Here, you wait right here and I’ll go get the projector and my notes!
Jill: Oh great! Thanks Ross, you’re such a good friend!
(He goes into another room to get his projector and notes. While he’s gone, Jill quickly checks her makeup.
[Cut to Monica and Chandler’s, Rachel is entering.]
Rachel: Hey! Have you guys seen Jill? I can’t find her anywhere.
Monica: No, I haven’t.
Rachel: Well, is Ross home? Maybe I’ll just call him to see if he’s actually seen her.
(She goes to look out the window at Ross’s apartment and sees Jill staring at her and closing the drapes with an evil look on her face. Rachel is stunned into silence.)
[Scene: Ursula’s apartment, Phoebe is going to confront her twin about her new porn career.]
Ursula: Who is it?
Phoebe: It’s Phoebe! Phoebe!
(Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with big hair and lingerie.)
Phoebe: (seeing her dress) Oh God. So-so you’re making porn movies.
Ursula: No I’m not.
(Someone calls out from her apartment.)
Man’s Voice: We’re still rolling!
Phoebe: You’re making one right now!
Another Man’s Voice: Let’s go Phoebe!
Phoebe: And-and you’re using my name!
Ursula: Yeah, can I help you with something?
Same Man’s Voice: Phoebe, come on!
Phoebe: Look, I’m talking right now! You’re—you mean her.
Ursula: Y’know, twin stuff is always a real big seller.
Ursula: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars.
Phoebe: No!! No way! No! And stop using my name! And shame on you! (Yells into the apartment) And shame on all of you! You’re disgusting! Especially you (points to someone) with that! (Storms away.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is setting up for the slide show.]
Ross: Slides are almost ready.
Jill: Yeah. Ooh, I know what this is missing! Alcohol!
Ross: Uh okay, well there’s-there’s wine in the kitchen.
Jill: Oh great! (Goes to get it as the phone rings.)
Ross: (answering it) Hello?
Rachel: (on phone) What is my sister doing there?! And why are the drapes shut?!
Ross: O-okay, Rach calm-calm down, okay? She-she’s really upset we’re just talking.
Rachel: Ross! I think she is trying to make something happen with you to get back at me!
Ross: So that’s the only reason she could be here huh? It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that-that maybe I’m a good listener and I uh I put on a great slide show!
Rachel: Ross, I am telling you that she is using you to get back at me!
Ross: Y’know what? I think I can take care of myself, I’ll talk to you later. Good-bye. (Hangs up the phone and turns to find Jill sitting really close to him.) Whoa! Uh, that was your sister actually. She-she thinks that you’re just using me.
Jill: So? (Kisses him passionately.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a paper as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for.
Joey: Oh no, not you too!
Phoebe: No! No! I just went to pick up Phoebe Buffay’s checks; there were a lot of them.
Phoebe: Um-mmm, and I won’t have to go there anymore because I gave them my correct address.
Joey: That’s great, but isn’t it gonna bother that people still think you’re a porn star?
Phoebe: Oh no! No! I know how to handle it.
Joey: You do?
Phoebe: Yeah. (She notices some guy putting a coat on his girlfriend is trying to remember where he’s seen her before.) (To him) You’re trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, I’ll give you a hint. From porn! Okay? (He tries to rush his girlfriend out.) Yeah your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie! (To Joey) See?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time lapse, Ross is entering. Chandler and Monica are at the kitchen table. Rachel is on the couch reading.]
Ross: (To Rachel) You uh, you may have been right about Jill.
Rachel: Oh! I knew it! What happened?
Ross: Umm, she kissed me.
Rachel: What?! You kissed!
Chandler: (To Monica) Maybe we should give them some privacy.
Monica: (To Chandler) Shhhh!!!
Ross: Look, I uh, I tried not to kiss her, okay?
Rachel: Well, it doesn’t sound like it! I mean, it’s pretty easy not to kiss someone, you just don’t kiss them! See look at us, right now, not kissing!
Ross: Let me finish, okay? She started kissing me and-and I didn’t stop it. I guess I-I just wasn’t thinking…
Rachel: Yeah that’s right you weren’t thinking! Y’know what? Let me give you something to think about! (She pulls up her sleeves and steps towards him.)
Ross: Oh wait—hold it! But then I started thinking and I stopped the kissing.
Rachel: Oh, well thank you for taking your tongue out of my sister’s mouth long enough to tell me that.
Ross: Look I-I realize if anything were to happen with me and Jill then nothing could ever happen with us!
Ross: No, I mean, look I don’t know if anything is going to happen with us, again. Ever. But I don’t want to know that it-it never could. So I stopped it and she got mad and broke my projector.
Rachel: Wow. I, I don’t even know what to say. Thank you. (Gently kicks him.)
Ross: You’re welcome. (Gently kicks her back.)
(Chandler starts crying.)
Monica: Oh my God! Are-are you crying?
Chandler: (crying hysterically) I just don’t see why those two can’t work things out!
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Jill enters.]
Jill: All right, I’m leaving! Because I’m not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That’s you Rachel!
Rachel: Yeah, I got that.
Jill: (To Ross) And you! I throw myself at you and you say no, how gay are you?
Ross: You take care Jill.
Jill: (happily) Okay, see ya! (Exits.)
Chandler: (starts crying) I-I can’t believe Jill’s gone. (They all look at him.) I can’t help it, I opened a gate.