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老友记第六季The One With The Unagi

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嗨,记得我曾有只猴子吗?嗯。嗯,刚才...刚才我想什么来着?嗨!怎么只有20%的小费?我做错事了吗?20%的小费已经很慷慨了,Joe。你知道有什么更慷慨吗?50%!你知道有什么比它还慷慨吗?我知道你要说什么!贪婪的Joe有什么事吗?好吧,我很抱歉。这都怪我刚拍了些艺术照。你们知道,那玩意很贵。我挑了三张!嗯,其实是两张,因为其中一张里我的牙有点发黑。我干吗拍那玩意啊?!那你不能做点什么赚些外快吗?我是说,你能不能...嗯,我不知道,通过某种特别的方式?也许...你们知道我曾经乞讨过。如果你能表演这个就肯定有用。哇!我还能干这个!哦,等等!你今天不是有个试演吗?对,也许你能得到那个工作!哦,哈哈哈!哦!等等,我曾经参加过很多医学试验。啊,终于有个解释了。不不!记得吗,我通过那些试验得到过报酬。让我想想,嗯,我不想再捐献精子了。我宁愿在家里干那个。哦,也许他们会喜欢我的血或唾液什么的,嗯?Joey!嗯?对于你在工作时间和朋友聊天我都怎么说的?嗯...做的对?那人等这杯咖啡已经10分钟了!他投诉了你三次!嗯,我说到哪儿了?中文字幕:Ross@http://www.topcmm.com:81/friends/thx Carfield@TOPCMM英文字幕:floyal@orgio.net嗨!嗨!嗨,你们去哪儿了?哦,我们今天去上防身术课了!哇!是啊,整个早上都在踢男人的胯部,感觉像在报复你!报复你?现在我们可以踢任何人的屁股了!对!就一节课?我看不见得。怎么?你想试试我的防身术吗?现在就假装你是个性侵犯者!来吧!你敢吗?哦,如果你知道会有攻击当然可以保护自己,可这不够。听着,我学过很长时间空手道,有个概念你们必须熟悉,日本人叫它...Unagi(日语原意鳗鱼)是一种寿司吧?不,是个概念!就是寿司!就是!河鳗口味的!好吧,也许也有那个意思...哦!我现在能为鲑鱼皮肉卷杀人!你知道什么啊?算了!被攻击吧!我一点都不在乎!行了Ross,我们很抱歉,请告诉我们吧。Unagi是种明察秋毫的状态,知道吗?只有真正掌握了Unagi的人,才能对任何可能的危险都做好准备!你是说像有人想偷你的竹席或鱼缸之类的事?我是说,这东西是用来准备面对别人攻击的。至于面对其他的什么攻击,我不知道,比如...意外!!!好吧,你知道我会这么干的,不过这不能说明你有Unagi。哦!你知道吗?如果我们预约的话,我们能在半小时内吃上鳗鱼寿司。嗨,Monica在吗?不在。好,我需要你们的帮助,我不知道该在情人节送她什么。哦,情人节已经过去两周了。如果是我就不会送她日历!她那天工作来着,我们今晚庆祝。哦,嗨!你为什么不找个浪漫的温泉疗养地来次约会?哦,Joey,真是个好主意!而且当然要有性感内裤。哦,对她的男友来说很有吸引力嘛...也许包括她的哥哥?我不能那么做,我们说好今年要自己做件礼物给对方。啊,我喜欢。瞧你们俩!你不能自己做个性感内裤吗?你只要...只要拿把剪子剪开...好了好了好了!自己做礼物。听起来很有意思的嘛。是啊,不过自从我做的纸面具把我一只眼睛挡住之后,我就不这么想了。哦,我喜欢纸面具!你做的是什么样的?我做的像个%&*%...像个什么?什么也不像!那你准备怎么办?哦,那你们有没有做过什么可以让我拿去取悦她的东西?哦!我有!我有!我做了一些袜子巴尼兔!哦,大家欢呼吧!嗨,等一下!这是我的袜子!现在是你的朋友小巴尼了。这个,这个实在是%&*%...嗨!嗨!亲爱的,我有个情人节礼物的问题。哦,说吧。必须完全是我们自己做的吗?是啊!怎么了?你忘了做了?当然...当然没有。我只是要去做礼物的地方把它拿回来。好,好,我都等不及了!这将是最棒的情人节!真不敢相信!做礼物!做礼物!怎么了?做礼物的事让我太兴奋了!见鬼!嗨,我是Joey Tribbiani。我诚心诚意地想捐赠一些液体。现在这个研究项目已经快要结束,我们不再需要志愿者了。哦,糟糕。我本来还专门存了些液体。嗯,你肯定没有什么我可以参与的项目吗?哦,这个是我们即将开始的研究项目表。谢谢。啊这个已经开始了。哦,那个确实正在进行。不过只有同卵双胞胎才行,研究双胞胎的。可有2,000块钱的报酬呢对不起。那这个怎么样?测试Joey Tribbiani 和迷人的接待员在一起的效果。我们已经有结果了,很糟糕。危险!危险!Ross!你到底在搞什么搞?一个教训,让你们意识到Unagi的重要性。哦,你是个疯子!也许吧。不过我很好奇,你们要尖叫到什么时候才会来踢我的屁股?好吧,我们还没准备好!抱歉使用这么激烈的方式来说明我的观点,不过我...瞧,我只是想保证你们的安全。危险!瞧?Unagi。2,000块可真不少。哦,我希望我有个孪生兄弟。到哪儿去找个长得像我的人呢?嗨!Chandler。我感觉到了你。什么?Unagi呀。我明察秋毫。哦,你明察出Unagi就是鳗鱼吗?什么事?我不知道该做个什么东西给Monica。哦,你干吗不从你的那些玩笑中挑一个给她?我块疯了!知道吗?你有没有什么看起来像是家制的东西?你瞧,她肯定会喜欢这东西。嗯,这是阿波罗8号飞船的模型。我6年级时做的。嗯,我看合适。我会跟她说“你的爱送我上了月球”。是啊,不过阿波罗8号没有登月。你...你可以写上...“你的爱让我环绕月球两圈并平安返回”等等,我不能给她这个。为什么不能?因为它边上写着“Ross船长”,而且底部写着“我讨厌Monica”。哦。危险!啊...鲑鱼皮肉卷。好,好。瞧,亲爱的,我自己做的。我不能这么做。我不能这么做。哦!哦!混录的磁带!混录磁带!嗨!嗨!你,可以交换礼物了吗?当然!好吧,你先来。好,过来!过来!好!嗯,我刚做完,所以...所以没有包装。行。我为你做的这盘带子里有所有我喜欢的情歌。哦,多好的礼物啊!里面有“The Way You Look Tonight”吗?也许我们听听就知道了。哦,我喜欢!太谢谢你了!好吧!好,准备看我给你的礼物了吗?对!这是个袜子巴尼兔。是啊,你记得我老叫你巴尼吧?不大记得。哦,我只叫过一次,不过...不过我以后会老这么叫你的。看看它多好玩啊!我明白了,你知道...嗯,Phoebe做袜子巴尼来着。不!没有,她没做过。嗯...Phoebe,做的是...是袜子兔子。跟这个不是一回事...好吧!好吧!好吧!这不是我做的!对不起!我把今晚的计划和做礼物的事忘了个干净!哦,没事,我并不...不,不能没事!我是说你做了这么难以置信的事!你花了那么多时间来为我做这盘磁带!我要...我要补偿你!我要在那里做任何你喜欢的菜,还有,我要...在那里做任何你喜欢的事!哦,我确实在那盘带子上花了不少心思。哇!你还太小,不应该看那些东西!哦!瞧,你的生日还有一个半月,如果我把那个礼物也忘了,怎么办?我完全、彻底、百分之百地原谅你。我们要把它洗一洗!对!你记得那件很贵,但你很喜欢的夹克吗?你已经为我做了很多了!我准备早起为你买来!不,你不必...要黑的,不要棕色的。哦,你的蛋糕好了!哦!啊,就像老人说的,来点性爱,再来块蛋糕。嗨Mon!嗨Chann!拿瓶汽水!你到底是谁?我是Joey!你咋样啊?不!不!不!不!不!你怎么样?你怎么样?见鬼 Carl!楼道里等着去!嗨,我必须为Carl的行为道歉。Carl到底是谁?哦,我没提到过他?Carl是我雇来扮演我的孪生兄弟的。我准备参加一个医学研究项目。你知道有时好主意就在你眼前,不是吗?哦,我知道这有点疯狂,不过我认为也许能行得通。唯一的问题是,Carl的演技实在是...唯一的问题?是啊,你们记不记得几年前我没能出演那个大型钟点女工广告?就赖他!我们演兄弟俩,可他搞砸了。嗨,嗯...我能来块蛋糕吗?比萨饼!我们喜欢比萨饼!滚出去!Pat Sajak?可以啊!Alex Trebek?哦,当然能!Chuck Woolery?绝对可以!Phoebe,你找不出任何一个打得过我的游戏节目主持人!说!说我们是Unagi!它不是你们能成为的东西!它是你们有的东西!说呀!你知道吗?我很容易挣脱的,不过那样你们就会受很重、很重的伤!好了,Carl,就到我们了。现在记住,别成为什么?又一个失败的钟点女工。对!还有,你不许做什么?嗯,我不许说话,因为...见鬼 Carl!我能见下一对吗?Joey 和 Tony Tribbiani。我们就是。可是...这是个同卵双胞胎的研究。对啊,2,000大洋。可你们不是同卵双胞胎啊。见鬼 Carl!我的老天爷!嗨!接着倒数你爱吃的东西吧!位于第三位的是...通心面和奶酪浇碎热狗。嗨,你已经做的够多了!你必须住手。当然,不过不是今晚。至于晚餐音乐,我想应该来听听你为我做的磁带。哦,混录磁带。真的有“The Way You Look Tonight”和我跳舞吧?你对我最好了。我喜欢你每晚的样子,Chandler!所以我做了这盘磁带!生日快乐!爱你的Janice!不!你才对我最好呢!好了女士们,今天的课就到这里。记住,在外面要注意安全。课讲得真好!谢了。哦,哦,我旁听来着。嗯,嗨,我有个问题。嗯,最后那个..那个女的绊倒你,然后把你按在地上的动作...接下来...接下来你会怎么做?哦,她应该掏出钥匙插到...不。不不,不。你接下来怎么做?谁?我这个侵犯者?对,没错。干吗问这个?我本来想攻击两个女人,结果失败了。什么?不,这没什么。我是说,她们..她们是我的朋友。实际上,我..我曾和她们中一位结过婚。老兄,让我们说明白点,你攻击了你的前妻?哦,不!不不!我试图攻击!可没成功。所以我来找你呀。也许我们可以一起攻击他们?你...你不同意。我非常、非常、非常、非常抱歉!哼唧。好,我会在那里做任何你喜欢的菜,而且在那里做任何你喜欢的事!对,你要去的!至于那里,你开玩笑吧?来吧,Monica,这是我们的情人节啊!求你了...求求你了...好吧。我有趣的情人,甜蜜的卡通情人!你让我的心飞上了云霄!那,我们一起进去?我一个人进去!你在找一个可笑的...啊哈,跑不了了!我不想坐在这儿!我要过去...别 Rachel!他们先到的!Ross在干吗呢?危险!哦天啊!他干吗扑向那些女的?我们应该去帮助她们!我...哦,我觉得她们不需要帮助。

The One With The Unagi

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Joey is working.]

Ross: Hey, remember when I had a m?

Chandler: Yeah.

Ross: Yeah, what, what was I thinking?

Joey: (he’s just picked up their bill) Hey! So, what’s with the 20 percent tip? Did I do something wrong?

Chandler: Twenty percent is a pretty generous tip Joe.

Joey: Y’know what’s more generous than that?! Fifty percent! Y’know what’s even more generous than that?!!

Chandler: I see where you’re goin’!

Ross: What’s up with the greed Joe?

Joey: All right, look I’m sorry you guys, but it’s just that I gotta get these new head shots made. And they’re really expensive, y’know? I’m down to like three! Well, actually two ‘cause one of ‘em I kinda blackened in some teeth—Why did I do that?! (Hits himself in the head.)

Ross: Well isn’t there something you can do to earn a little extra money? I mean, can’t-can’t you pick up, I don’t know, an extra shift here?

Phoebe: Or, y’know, I used to beg for money. Of course it helps if you’ve got y’know a little of this (she sticks her chest out and shakes it) goin’ on. Wow! I still have it!

Ross: Oh, wait! Wait! Don’t you have an audition today? Yeah! Maybe you’ll get that job!

Joey: Oh, ha-ha-ha! Ooh! Wait a minute, I used to get medical experiments down on me all the time!

Chandler: (reminiscing) Ah, finally an explanation.

Joey: No-no! I used to get paid for all kinds of medical stuff, remember? Let’s see uh, well I don’t want to donate sperm again. (To Ross) I really prefer doing that at the home office y’know? (Ross nods his head.) Ooh-ooh, maybe they want like some of my blood or-or spit or something, huh?

Gunther: (approaching with a tray with an order on it) Joey!

Joey: Yeah?

Gunther: What did I tell you about talking to your friends while you’re working?

Joey: Uhh do it?

Gunther: That guy (points) has been waiting for his coffee for ten minutes! He’s complained about you three times! (He hands the coffee cup to Joey, assuming that Joey will deliver it and walks away.)

Joey: Well, where was I? (Takes a sip of the coffee.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Phoebe and Rachel enter wearing workout clothes.]

Ross: Hi!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Hey, what have you guys been up to?

Phoebe: Ohh! We went to a self-defense class today!

Ross: Wow!

Rachel: Yeah, kicking a guy in the crotch all morning really takes it out of ya!

Joey: Takes it out of you? (Laughs.)

Phoebe: Now, we can kick anybody’s ass!

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: After one class? I don’t think so.

Rachel: What? You wanna see me self-defend myself?! Go over there (points) and pretend you’re a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!!

Ross: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that’s not enough. Look, I studying kara-tay for a long time, and there’s a concept you should really be familiar with. It’s what the Japanese call (he holds two fingers up to his temple, and he does this every time he says this word) unagi.

Rachel: Isn’t that a kind of sushi?

Ross: No, it’s a concept!

Phoebe: Yeah it is! It is! It’s freshwater eel!

Ross: All right, maybe it means that too…

Rachel: Ohh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now!

Ross: Y’know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don’t even care!

Phoebe: (deadpan) Come on Ross. We’re sorry. Please tell us what it is.

Ross: Unagi is a state of total awareness. Okay? Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you!

Phoebe: You mean in case someone is trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your kettle of fish?

(Rachel laughs and Ross mocks her.)

Ross: (moves closer) All I’m saying is, it’s one thing being prepared for an attack against like each other; whole another story being prepared for an attack, I don’t know, like a (turns and puts his face close to Rachel’s and screams) surprise!!

(Rachel calmly wipes the spittle off her face.)

Ross: All right, you know that one was coming, but that doesn’t mean you have unagi. (Does the finger thing.)

Rachel: (To Phoebe) Ooh! Y’know what? If we made reservations, we could have unagi in about a half-hour.

Ross: Y’know what… (Moves away as Chandler enters, panicked.)

Chandler: Hey-hey, is Monica here?

Phoebe: No.

Ross: No.

Chandler: Okay, look I need your help, I don’t know what to get her for Valentine’s Day.

Rachel: Well, Valentine’s Day was like two weeks ago, so I wouldn’t get her a calendar!

Chandler: (laughs) She was working on Valentine’s Day so we’re celebrating it tonight.

Joey: Ohh, hey! Why don’t you book a date for both of you at one of those romantic spas?

Phoebe: Ooh, Joey, that’s actually a really good idea!

Joey: And of course, crotchless panties.

Chandler: Well appealing as that does sound to her boyfriend (pause) and her brother, (the camera pans to Ross flashing Joey a very evil look; Joey gets scared) I can’t do that we promised we’d make each other gifts this year.

Rachel: Aw, I love that.

Phoebe: You guys!

Joey: You can’t make crotchless panties? You take, you take a pair of scissors and you just cut…

Rachel: (interrupting him) Okay-okay-okay! So, making things. That sounds like so much fun.

Chandler: Yeah, I thought so to until I paper mached one of my eyes shut.

Phoebe: Oh, I love paper mache! What did you make?

Chandler: I made a… (Does one of those gibberish words.)

Phoebe: What is that?

Chandler: Nothing!

Ross: So what are you gonna do?

Chandler: Well, have you guys made anything that maybe I can take credit for?

Phoebe: Ohh! I have! I have! I started making these little sock bunnies! (She takes out a sock that’s been made into a bunny with eyes, nose, mouth, whiskers, and two other socks sown onto it for ears.) Oh for crying out loud!

Rachel: Hey, wait a minute! That is my sock!

Phoebe: Now, it’s you little bunny friend. (She sticks it in Rachel’s face and they both laugh.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is desperately trying to make his Valentine’s Day gift. He takes a paper cup, turns it upside down, sticks two pencils into the top, and hangs a coat hanger from the bottom.]

Chandler: (admiring his work) This, this actually is a… (Does the same gibberish word from before.)

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey! Honey, can I ask you a question about the Valentine’s Day gifts?

Monica: Oh, yeah.

Chandler: Do we have to make the entire thing?

Monica: Yes! Why, did you—you forget to make yours?

Chandler: Of course, of course not. I just have to uh, go over to the place where I-I made it and pick-pick it up.

Monica: Okay. (They kiss.) Okay, I can’t wait! This is going to be the best Valentine’s Day ever! (Chandler giggles and exits.) I can’t believe it! Make the presents! Make the presents!

Chandler: (sticking his head back in) What?

Monica: I’m just so excited to make the presents! (Chandler does another sarcastic/scared laugh and leaves.) Shoot!

[Scene: A Medical Research Office, Joey is there to sign up for an experiment, any experiment.]

Joey: (to the receptionist) Hi uh, I’m Joey Tribbiani and with all do respect I’d like to donate some fluids.

Receptionist: We’re actually at the end of one of our research cycles, so we’re not looking for applicants right now.

Joey: Oh that’s too bad. I’ve kinda been saving up. (She just looks at him in horror.) Uh, are you sure there’s no studies I can participate in?

Receptionist: Well, here’s a schedule of what’s coming up. (Hands it to him.)

Joey: Thanks. (Starts to read it.) Well but this one starts now. (Points to one.)

Receptionist: Oh that one is available now, but only identical twins are eligible. It’s a twins study.

Joey: But it’s $2,000.

Receptionist: Sorry.

Joey: Well how about this one? Testing the effects of Joey Tribbiani on attractive nurse receptionists.

Receptionist: We already got the results back on that on, and they’re not good. (Joey beats a hasty retreat.)

[Scene: The Hallway between the Apartments, Ross is hiding behind that bump out on Monica’s side waiting for Phoebe and Rachel. As they come up the stairs, he jumps out and yells…]

Ross: DANGER!!! DANGER!!!!!

(They both scream and jump away.)

Phoebe: Ross!!!

Rachel: What the hell was that?!

Ross: A lesson in the importance of unagi. (He starts doing the finger thing every time now.)

Phoebe: Ohh, you’re a freak!!

Ross: Perhaps. Now I’m curious, at what point during those girlish screams would you have begun to kick my ass?

Rachel: All right, so we weren’t prepared!

Ross: I’m sorry I had to take such drastic measures to make my point, but I—look, I just want you guys to be safe. (Monica comes out to throw out the garbage and Ross screams…) DANGER!!!!! (She completely ignores him and keeps walking.) Ahhh, huh? Unagi.

[Scene: Cole-Geddes Casting Agency, Joey is there on his audition and thinking about that 2,000 bucks for the twins study.]

Joey: (in his head) 2,000 bucks is a lot of money. Oh, I wish I had a twin. Where could I find someone who looks exactly like me? (The camera widens its shot to reveal a room full of Joey look-a-likes. Joey looks at the guy next to him and then back at his script.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is coming in from doing his laundry. He starts folding it as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: (not turning around) Chandler. I sensed it was you.

Chandler: What?!

Ross: Unagi. I’m always aware.

Chandler: Okay, are you aware unagi (does the finger thing) is an eel?

Ross: What’s up?

Chandler: I can’t figure out what to make Monica.

Ross: Oh, why don’t you make her one of your little jokes.

Chandler: I’m going crazy! Okay? Do you have any thing around here that looks homemade?

Ross: Y’know what? She’d-she’d love this. (Picks up a model of the Saturn V rocket, that’s the one that took man to the moon.) Uh, it’s an exact replica of Apollo 8. I made it in the sixth grade.

Chandler: Yeah, I guess I could use that. I could say that your love sends me to the moon.

Ross: Yeah-yeah, except Apollo 8 didn’t actually land on the moon. But you-you-you could write that umm, your love lets me orbit the moon twice and return safely. (Apollo 8 was the first one that orbited the moon and the one that read the Christmas Story from the orbit of the moon on Christmas Eve, 1968. They also took the famous Earthrise picture of the Earth rising over the moon.)

Chandler: Wait a minute, I can’t give this to her.

Ross: Why not?

Chandler: Because it says "Captain Ross" on the side and "I hate Monica" on the bottom.

Ross: Oh.

(Chandler leaves dejectedly. When the door closes Rachel and Phoebe jump out from behind the curtains and scream…)

Phoebe and Rachel: DANGER!!!!!

(Ross screams like a little girl.)

Rachel: Ahhhhh, salmon skin roll. (She does the finger thing.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, he’s still trying to figure out what to make Monica.]

Chandler: Okay. Okay. (He goes to the closet, moves the clothes out of the way, and notices an empty hanger. He takes the empty hanger and bends it all out of shape. Then he holds it out as if he’s giving it to her.) Yes honey, I made it myself. (He throws it down and goes to her chest, grabs something, goes to the bed table, and takes out a pair of scissors. He turns around and holds the scissors to the crotch of the panties he just removed.) I can’t do it. I can’t do it. (He throws them both down and continues looking. He opens another closet door and finds a tape.) Oh! Oh! A mixed tape! A mixed tape!! (He runs out into the living room.)

[Cut to the living room, Chandler is entering as Monica finishes wrapping her present for him on the kitchen table.]

Chandler: Hey! Hi! You uh, ready to exchange gifts?

Monica: Sure! Okay, you go first.

Chandler: Okay, come here! Come here.

Monica: Okay! (She takes her present for him and they move over to sit on the couch.)

Chandler: Now, it’s not wrapped because I just, just finished it.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: But I made you a tape of what I think are all romantic songs.

Monica: Oh, what a great gift! Is The Way You Look Tonight on it?!

Chandler: (momentarily terrified) Maybe we’ll have to listen and see!

Monica: Oh, I love it! Thank you so much!

Chandler: Okay!

Monica: Okay, you ready to open yours?

Chandler: Yeah!

Monica: Okay.

(He opens his present to find Phoebe’s sock bunny from earlier.)

Chandler: It’s a sock bunny.

Monica: Yeah-yeah, you remember how I call you bunny?

Chandler: Not really.

Monica: Well, I did one time, and-and I want to start doing it more. See that’s what this is about.

Chandler: I see. Y’know umm, Phoebe makes sock bunnies.

Monica: No! No, she doesn’t. Uh Phoebe, what she makes—that’s uh—they’re sock rabbits. They are completely different—Okay! Okay! Okay! I didn’t make it! I’m sorry! I totally forgot about tonight and the fact that we’re supposed to make the presents!

Chandler: Oh, it’s okay. I don’t…

Monica: No-no, it’s not okay! It’s not! I mean you were just… You’re so incredible! You went through all this time and effort to make this tape for me! Y’know I’m just gonna—I, I am gonna make this up to you! I will! I-I am going to cook anything you want in here (points to the kitchen), and I am going to do anything you want in there! (Points to the bedroom.)

Chandler: (thinking it over) Well, I did put a lot of thought in the tape. (They both run into the bedroom.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bedroom, they are relaxing in sexual bliss.]

Chandler: Wow! (To the sock bunny still on his hand.) You are way to young to have seen that!

Monica: Oops! (Covers its eyes.) Y’know, your birthday is in a month-and-a-half, what do you say I forget to get you a present for that too?

Chandler: You are totally and completely 100% forgiven.

Monica: We have got to wash that! (Referring to the sock bunny.)

Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it off his hand and throws it behind the night-stand.)

Monica: Do you remember that jacket that you love so much, that you thought was too expensive?

Chandler: You have done enough!

Monica: I wanna wake up early and go get it for you!

Chandler: No you don’t—get it in black, not brown.

(The oven dings.)

Monica: Oop, your cake is ready!

Chandler: Oop!

(They both get out of bed and go get some cake.)

Chandler: Well, it’s like that old saying, have some sex, eat some cake.

(As they approach the kitchen, the door opens and in walks in a Joey look-a-like.)

Joey's Look-A-Like: Hey Mon! Hey Chann! (He goes to the fridge) Just gettin’ a soda! (Does so.)

Monica: Who the hell are you?!

Joey's Look-A-Like: I’m Joey! How are you doin’?!

Joey: (entering) No! No! No! No! No! How you doin’?! How you doin’—Damnit Carl! Go wait in the hall! (Goes into the hall.)

Joey: Look, I got to apologize on the behalf of Carl.

Chandler: Who the hell is Carl?!

Joey: Oh, did I not mention? Carl is a guy I hired to be my identical twin for a medical research project.

Chandler: Y’know sometimes the good ideas are just right in front of you, aren’t they?

Joey: Okay, I know it sounds crazy, but I think it might work. Y’know? The only problem is, Carl’s acting is… (Does the international hand symbol for so-so.)

Monica: The only problem!

Joey: Yeah, he’s the reason I didn’t get that big Minute Maid commercial a couple of years ago remember? We were supposed to be brothers, but he messed it up.

Carl: (sticking his head back in) Hey, uh can I get a little piece of that cake?

Joey: (to Carl) Pizza!! We like Pizza!! Get out!!! (Carl does so.)

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are returning.]

Phoebe: Pat Sajak?

Rachel: Yep!

Phoebe: Alex Trebek?

Rachel: Oh, of course!

Phoebe: Chuck Woolery?

Rachel: Definitely! Phoebe, you will not find a single game show host, who’s ass I cannot kick.

(They start to walk into the living room and notice someone’s head sticking up from behind a chair. The camera cuts to the other side and we see it’s Ross.)

[Time lapse. The girls have Ross pinned face down. Phoebe is sitting on his back and arms while holding his head down and facing Rachel. Rachel is sitting on his knees and holding his lower legs vertically, causing Ross pain.]

Rachel: Say it!

Phoebe: Say we are unagi!

Ross: It’s not something you are! It’s something you have!

Rachel: Say it!

Ross: Y’know what? I can easily get out of this, but there is a chance you can get very, very hurt!

(Rachel yanks on his legs again and he groans in pain.)

[Scene: The Medical Research office, Joey is there with Carl in the waiting room. Two identical twins come out and both wave by at the same time.]

Joey: All right Carl, we’re next. Now remember, what is not gonna be?

Carl: Another Minute Maid fiasco.

Joey: That’s right! And what are you not gonna do?

Carl: Well, I’m not gonna talk because…

Joey: (gets very angry) Damnit Carl! (Carl goes to say something more, and Joey silences him with a grunt.)

The Doctor: (entering) (To the receptionist) Can I have the next one please? (Takes the form.) Joey and Tony Tribbiani. (Joey and Carl stand up.)

Joey: That’s us.

The Doctor: (seeing they’re not identical) But uh, this is a study for identical twins.

Joey: That’s right, $2,000.

The Doctor: But, you’re not identical twins.

Joey: Damnit Carl!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is getting ready for Chandler’s arrival. He enters and finds the place lit with candles and dinner on the table.]

Chandler: Oh my good God.

Monica: Hey! Continuing the countdown of your favorite meals. Tonight, No. 3, macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs.

Chandler: Look, you have done enough! Okay? You have to stop this now.

Monica: I will! But not tonight. For dinner music, I thought we could listen to that tape you made me.

Chandler: Oh, the mixed tape.

(Monica pushes play and The Way You Look Tonight starts to play.)

Monica: The Way You Look Tonight is on here! Dance with me?

(He hesitates, then goes over to dance with her.)

Monica: You are just the sweetest. (They kiss.)

(Suddenly, a strange and familiar voice comes out of the tape player. Here’s a hint, OH…MY…GAWD!! That’s right, it’s Janice!)

Janice: I love the way you look every night Chandler! (Monica breaks the kiss and Chandler freezes in terror.) That’s why I made you this tape! Happy Birthday! Love Janice!

Chandler: No! You’re the sweetest! (He tries to kiss her but Monica backs away with a look that could kill on her face.)

[Scene: A women’s self-defense class, the instructor is just finishing a class.]

The Instructor: Okay ladies, that ends today’s class, and let’s remember, let’s be safe out there.

(The women all clap and start to leave as Ross comes up to the instructor. Apparently he was hiding in the back.)

Ross: It’s a great class.

The Instructor: Thanks.

Ross: Yeah, yeah, I was watching. (The instructor just nods and walks away.) Umm, hey, a couple of questions though. Umm, about that-that-that last move where the woman tripped you and then pinned you to the floor, what-what-what-what would you do next?

The Instructor: Well, she would take her keys and try to jam them…

Ross: No. No-no. No. What would you do next?

The Instructor: Who? Me the attacker?

Ross: Yes that’s right.

The Instructor: Why?

Ross: I tired attacking two women, did not work.

The Instructor: What?!

Ross: No, I mean it’s okay, I mean, they’re-they’re my friends. In fact, I-I-I was married to one of them.

The Instructor: Let me get this straight man, you attacked your ex-wife?!

Ross: Oh, no! No-no! No, I tired! But I couldn’t. That’s why I’m here. Maybe we could attack them together? (He glares at him.) That-that’s a no.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is trying to explain himself to Monica.]

Chandler: I am so, so, so, so sorry!

Monica: (not buying it) Uh-huh.

Chandler: And I will cook anything you want in here (points to the kitchen), and do anything in there! (Points to the bedroom.)

Monica: (pointing to the kitchen) Yeah you will! (Points to the bedroom) And, are you kiddin’ me?!

Chandler: Come on Monica, it’s our Valentine’s Day. Please? Please-please, please?

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: Okay. (They hug.)

Janice’s Voice: (singing) My funny valentine, sweet comic valentine! You make me high over my heart!

(Monica breaks the hug and starts for the bedroom.)

Chandler: So, are we going in there?

Monica: I am!! (Enter her room and closes the door behind her.)

Janice’s Voice: (singing) You’re look for laughable…(She does the now patented Janice laugh.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: The street in front of Central Perk, Ross is walking up and sees two women that look like Phoebe and Rachel from behind.]

Ross: Ah-ha, nowhere to run! (He starts to run towards them.)

[Cut to Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting up by the window because two guys have their couch.]

Rachel: I don’t like sitting up here! I’m just gonna over… (She starts to get up.)

Phoebe: (stopping her) No Rachel! They got here first!

(Ross appears at the window behind them crouched behind a garbage can and ready to spring his attack on who he thinks are Phoebe and Rachel. The camera cuts to the exterior view and Phoebe and Rachel call the shots from inside.)

Phoebe: Why is Ross doing that?

Ross: DANGER!!!!

Rachel: Oh my God! Why is he jumping on those women!

Phoebe: We should help him!

Rachel: I… Well, I don’t think they need any help.

(Ross starts to scream and run away. He stops in front of the window of Central Perk to check the pursuit and notices Phoebe and Rachel inside looking at him. He mouths, "What?" Then realizes that the women he attacked are closing in so he screams and runs away.)

End

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