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老友记第七季703 The One With Phoebe’s Cookies

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嘿,你们这些家伙!嘿!你们觉得怎样?关于什么的?什么?什么?搞错阿?好吧,给你们点提示眼睛!不对不对,你的眼睛!不对,钱德的眼睛!我戴眼镜了!你总是戴眼镜我没有!确定?对阿,你不是有过一副?圆圆的,让你看起来更加,恩……女性化没错!错!甜心,我认为这眼镜看起来很棒这样你看起来这得挺性感真的吗?没错!你认为我没戴过眼镜,对么?当然! 英文字幕: jon (jon7103@yahoo.com)***新视界字幕翻译小组制作***制作人:阿信gg(翻译)发行:http://www.topcmm.com/friends/ --------------------------本字幕所有权益归制作人所有纯属翻译爱好者交流学习使用谢绝它用,否则一切后果自负--------------------------那么你们家伙想要什么作为订婚礼物?别客气,菲比,我们又不是举办聚会什么的,你不必这样当然如果有人想给,我们也不会拒绝的你知道我们该给他们什么?那些小小的,呃,cd随身听啊,我已经有了结果某人借走落在了妇科医生那里对,那……那个人,她指得是乔伊嘿,我知道我想要什么了!是我们想要什么,亲爱的不,你不会要这个的我想要你祖母的小甜饼制作秘方你是说巧克力小甜饼制作秘方?阿哈, 没错你说的是我祖母在临终之前让我发誓不传出家门的制作秘方?要死的人总是说疯话我想要好几年了! 我想要为我们的孩子们做小甜饼伤我的心?好吧好吧好吧。我将会成为世界上小甜饼做的最棒的母亲那我们的孩子就要变成胖子了,对吧喂!嘿!船怎么样?!棒极了!我终于开始航海了哦,你最后终于让船离开了码头哈?我干吗要这么做? 3个人才把那船弄到那里!你如果不航海,那在船上干吗?粉棒!在上面坐一坐,走一走,喝点小酒,吃点薯片,爽阿~你终于找到一个地方做这些事,真好乔伊,如果你愿意的话我可以教你航海你行?当然!我这辈子都在航海。我15岁时老爸就给我买了船你自己的?咋啦?! 咋啦?! 他想让我高兴起来! 我的小马病了你知道我在想什么吗?啥?没啥,我就喜欢这样问钱德, 你今晚有事么?呃,怎么,你有演讲?没有,咋啦?那就像鸟儿一样自由啦。有啥事?我爸想知道你想不想和我们一起玩壁球瓦屋!太棒了!老爸一定很喜欢你,他从没有这样邀请过任何人其实他不是真的邀请你,他只是随便问问,我假定他指的是你那……那你有跟他说我么?没,我觉得这样更有趣太酷了,也许你每星期都该这么做或者你也可以和他坐在前门廊看着防止有人偷走垃圾桶。他也每星期都做这事你也知道,你……你必须让他赢对啊他刻薄失败没问题,也许我会用左手玩你不是左撇子? 这里有人认识我么?!怎么了,菲比?我去老公寓拿小甜饼制作秘方,谁知道那该死的火把它烧了!不是把!! 你干吗不复制一份然后放进防火箱里保存上起码一百年?!!因为……我是正常人! 那是我祖母留给我的遗物,而我知道你想要它作为订婚礼物我们必须给你们订婚礼物?别担心这个,菲比没人给我订婚礼物好吧,我祝你们健康快乐一个小甜饼?这就是你不记录谁送什么礼物的下场!不是这样的,我做了一批然后冷冻了,这是剩下的唯一一个我们不能接受这个为什么不呢?因为很俗不!等等!我想我可以领会到这些小甜饼的制作秘方!我工作的时候一直在做这种东西真的吗?!嗯!我可以打赌我会好吧,我们欠你一个礼物两个!我订婚两次了!看看这SB! 就因为他得到了一条大一点点的船他就以为他能占据整条河别挡路,你个2B! 再说了,谁给自己的船起名叫“海岸巡逻队”?那就是海岸巡逻队那他们在那里搞什么? 海岸在那边阿乔伊, 别管他好么? 我们的课程还没完呢好吧好吧,我只想把基本要点在过一遍。就最后一次,准备好了么?别这样瑞秋,表再来一次。我懂了,好吗?我们开始航海吧,我只想开到有一堆的女孩的船那去!哟活活!好吧。这是你想做的?你想开过去对着那些老辣妹们喊一下?好吧,我们走,水手乔伊。快速回答,这是啥?呃, 缆绳错!你怎么让主帆升起来?呃,摩擦它?错。如果我说我们在转向你要怎么做?我会说,转回去。不对不对,等等我知道,我知道该怎么做,呃……时间到,你死了并且聋了!好把,你就继续玩你的滑稽玩笑把,但是如果你不知道你在海上做什么你会死在那里。明白了吗,水手?明白别只说明白!这不是游戏,乔伊,你真的会在这儿受伤好吧,你是想注意点还是不想活了?我只想让船靠岸去找钱德我尝过肉豆蔻你吃过?你没吃过?恩,这就是行家和外行人的差别自摸嗨嗨!船开的怎样?我不想说。你最起码得给我留一个小甜饼别……等等!!!!!!!女人真小气!!! 我不敢相信!现在我祖母的遗物只剩下了饼屑祝你婚姻美满,白头到老嗨嗨!怎么样?很好! 呃,也很幸运 我来说说这事!很顺利。我让他赢了,我们相处很好。他甚至说我可以叫他爸那他不许你叫他什么?爸爸。是这样我们刚打完壁球然后想去桑拿一下我走进桑拿室,那里真的布满蒸汽所以我摘下了眼睛然后事情发生了你们在哪?就在这里坐下,孩子 嗨!! 老天阿,钱德!我不敢相信我懂你坐在我爸身上!为什么那里放那么多蒸汽?!因为不这样的话就要叫room room了为什么?好吧?为什么……为什么会这样?别这样,又不是什么大不了的事!不是大不了的事?有……肉体接触!现在我知道你和我爸有接触,但是有接触到那部分么?听着,我想老爹不会在意,他可能觉得这很有趣;他会把这事说上几年的!我不想他把这事说上几年欧,他会的。他到现在还在说莫妮卡从减肥夏令营逃跑的事我没跑那你怎么在铁丝网那里被抓了?我只是想帮助一只松鼠你想吃了它如果你爸说的这个故事,那婚约就完了!别这样喂? 我很抱歉你拨错号了我待会儿打给你老爸,我爱你好的,我去看你爸瓦乌瓦屋,你是不是传太多了?对,还有……还有这次你最好确定他有暗示你我我会让他不再说这个故事,我认为最好还是面对面来解决这事第一个面,我不是指他的大腿第二个面,我不是指我的屁股嗨,你们有给莫尼卡和钱德订婚礼物么?我不知道。他们没有给我什么东西谢谢!嘿嗨你好!我们什么时候再去水上?呃,我不知道用行话怎么说再也不去了!为什么不??因为!你在船上很刻薄!什么?我只是想教你学到了一件事!瑞秋很刻薄!没……错。没错没错。我记得当她在他父亲的船上,他什么都不让我干请原谅,我想让你帮忙,但是你不能的手没法动因为你穿着3件救生衣你必须尊重海洋!乔伊,如果你认为这样很刻薄我道歉,但是我要告诉你这并不刻薄好吧,我爸很刻薄。他在船上总对我吼, 我是说那很可怕。我只是一个好老师好老师会说,“放下啤酒,白痴!”吗?好学生会在第一堂课喝7罐啤酒么?6罐半!你把最后一罐从我手里打翻了!记得么?没错,我不想让你被船帆下桁撞到!但是还是撞到我了!而如果我喝完最后一罐啤酒的话伤会轻的多好吧,我很抱歉我会降低音调,不再吼叫你不会在指挥我?我不会在指挥你你会很乖?我会很乖你将会无上装?乔伊!你想让我学么?!这是第22批。呃,这些尝起来也许会有点像你祖母做的有一点桔色外皮,但是没有肉豆蔻尝尝看自从9年级起依赖我没有做过这么多的小甜饼为了什么?用来卖的?不是,只是一个周五晚上欧,粉不错对,但不像第17批那样好那是哪一批?就是你吃了差点呕吐的那批的下一批欧对!第17批很好。我不喜欢第16批……我很好好的那一批还有剩么?因为我们可以就照那一批做欧,第17批还剩一个,呃是第16批!第16批!别挡路!(去吐了)乔伊亲爱的,你做得真得很好!现在我要你移到左舷记得吗?记得我们说的左舷么?记得右边?不是是左边,甜心,但是没关系,这个容易搞混我不明白为什么你不直接说左边好吧,过去左边左边!啥?给我坐到那边去!! 好吧好吧,你又在吼了,你看看我错了!我错了我错了,轻声地,带有爱心地说话,不能吼叫欧,你知道吗?我很想在左舷喝点小酒乔伊,有点晃,你能不能把cunningham弄紧点? 呃,你刚刚说了一堆我不懂的话乔伊,快点!我们必须处理以下刚才一只鸟叼着鱼飞过我们的头顶看到了吗? 没有!好吗?! 我没有看到鸟!我没有看到鱼!我没有看到形状像麦克·泰森的泡沫塑料! 我没有,因为我正在教你怎样开船!而这明显是一项不可能的任务!又来了!你又吼叫了而且我没有看到你脱上半身衣服我退出!你退出什么意思?!你不能退出!为什么?!因为你还没学完!菜鸟(green)不能退出!格林(green)?我是崔比昂尼!崔比昂尼退出!我的天啊,等等,我刚刚说了菜鸟不能不干了?没错!没错!你这样说的,你还是在向我吼!没有!没有!没有!我不是在向你吼。天啊乔伊,我变成我爸那样。天啊太可怕了!我很努力地不像我妈那样,我没有意识到会这样。乔伊,对不起,我很抱歉。我只想让你好好学我有学真的么?没错!Awww我知道什么是主帆。我知道下桁过来的时候要蹲下我知道左舷在右边左边该死的!我打赌我祖母知道我在研究她的秘方一定会很高兴我敢打赌她现在正微笑着抬头看着我们抬头?不对吗?她对我真得很好,但是她肯定在地狱我没招了,我放弃。我想我没办法成为能做出世界上最棒的巧克力小甜饼的妈妈我能用椰菜作出最棒的duck confe孩子们很喜欢菲比,没有任何亲戚有这个秘方?比如……比如你的姐妹有么?没有,我曾经答应自己下次和厄休拉说话一定是在死后也就是在2032年10月15日之后你会在那天死去?看看,我会在那天转世那是你在想你祖母的朋友呢?他们会有秘决么?我可能有法国亲戚,谁知道呢我祖母说她从她祖母那里得到秘方,她叫Nesele Tolouse(法语名字)叫什么?Nesele Toulouse隐蔽的收费处(Nestle Tollhouse)?!靠,你们美国人总是扼杀法语菲比,这是秘方么?? 对!欧!我不敢相信我花了两天来找出秘方,而它一直在我的碗柜里!我知道!就是着因为这东西,你才会在地狱被火烤!所以你要了解,如果你不说出去的话我会觉得好受多了你知道,在这件事上我有点尴尬我完全了解,没有比在岳父面前更让人尴尬了实际上,当我开始和朱蒂约会的时候我失业了,而她父亲问我做什么的时候我说我是一个律师他们发现了以后你怎么办?他们没发现,所以当看到我在给他们法律建议的时候只管点头,进去吧?我想这里要穿泳装!乔伊,我很不想承认,但是你开船的方式很有趣是吗嗨,你干吗不拉一下那条绳子?我们又没在航海只管拉好吧嘿嘿嘿!! 三明治!还能有什么?给你谢谢瓦屋! 你在干吗?欧,对不起你怎么了?别这样拿着!这样好料都掉出来了!哎哟小心点!你浪费了上等熏牛肉!天啊!我像我爸那样了!
703 The One With Phoebe’s Cookies
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Ross, and Monica are all there as Chandler enters wearing glasses.]
Chandler: Hey, you guys!
Ross and Rachel: Hey!
Chandler: So, what do you think?
Ross: About what?
Rachel: Yeah, what?
Joey: What?
Chandler: Are you kidding? Okay, I’ll give you a hint; I’ll give you a hint. (Points to his glasses.)
Joey: Eyes! No, no. Your eyes! No. Chandler’s eyes!
Chandler: I got glasses!
Ross: Well, you-you’ve always had glasses.
Chandler: No I didn’t!
Ross: Are you sure?
Rachel: Yeah-yeah, did-didn’t you use to have a pair? They were really round, burgundy, and they made you look kind of umm…
Joey: Feminine.
Rachel: Yes!
Chandler: No!
Monica: Sweetie, I think the glasses look great. They make you look really sexy.
Chandler: Really?
Monica: Yeah!
Chandler: (sitting down on the arm of her chair) You didn’t think I used to wear glasses, right?
Monica: Of course! (She mouths, "I have no idea," to the rest of the gang.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are making some sandwiches.]
Phoebe: So what do you guys want for an engagement present?
Chandler: That’s okay Pheebs, we’re not having a party or anything, so you don’t have to get us…
Monica: (interrupts him) If someone wants to give us a present, we don’t want to deprive them of that joy.
Rachel: Oh, y’know what you should get ‘em? One of those little uh, portable CD players.
Monica: Oh, I already have one.
Phoebe: Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.
Rachel: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.
Monica: Hey, I know I what I want!
Chandler: What we want honey.
Monica: No, you don’t want this. I want to have your grandmother’s cookie recipe.
Phoebe: You mean the chocolate chip cookie recipe?
Monica: Uh-huh, yeah.
Phoebe: You mean the one that my grandmother made me swear on her deathbed that I would never let out of our family?
Chandler: Dying people say the craziest things.
Monica: I wanted it for years! I was gonna make cookies for my children.
Phoebe: Break my heart—Oh, all right.
Monica: Okay. I’m gonna be the mom that makes the world’s best chocolate chip cookies.
Chandler: Our kids are gonna be fat aren’t they.
Joey: (entering) Ahoy!
Chandler: Hey! How’s the boat?!
Joey: Great! I’m finally getting into this sailing stuff.
Monica: Oh, so you finally took it out of the marina huh?
Joey: Why would I do that? It took three guys to get the thing in there!
Phoebe: If you don’t sail your boat, what do you do on it?
Joey: Oh, it’s great! It’s a great place to just kinda, sit, hang around, drink a few beers, eat some chips. (He says that as he sits, hangs around, drinks a beer, and eats a chip.)
Chandler: Well, it’s good that you finally have a place to do that.
Rachel: Y’know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want.
Joey: You could?
Rachel: Yeah! I’ve been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.
Phoebe: Your own boat?
Rachel: What?! What?! He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there. He takes off his glasses and starts chewing on the ear piece.]
Chandler: Do you know what I was thinkin’?
Monica: What?
Chandler: Nothing, I just like to go like this. (Does it again.)
Ross: (entering from the bathrooms) Hey Chandler, what are you doing tonight?
Chandler: Uh why, do you have a lecture?
Ross: No, why?
Chandler: Then free as a bird. What’s up?
Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us.
Monica: Wow! That’s great! Dad must really like you, he doesn’t ask just anyone to play.
Ross: Yeah and he didn’t really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.
Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him?
Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.
Monica: This is so cool, maybe this is something you can do every week.
Ross: Or you can sit with him on the front porch and make sure no one steals the trash cans. He does that every week too.
Monica: Oh, just so you know, you-you have to let him win.
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: He hates to lose.
Chandler: Oh no problem, maybe I’ll play with my left hand.
Ross: You’re not a lefty?
Chandler: Does anybody know me?!
(Phoebe enters, walks up to Monica, and exhales exasperatedly.)
Monica: What’s wrong Phoebe?
Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire burned it up!
Monica: No!! Why didn’t you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original?!!
Phoebe: (pauses as he figures out how to answer that) Because I’m normal! That was the one legacy my grandmother left me, and I know you wanted it as an engagement present.
Ross: Oh, we have to get you an engagement present?
Chandler: Don’t worry about it Pheebs.
Ross: No one got me an engagement present.
Phoebe: Okay, here I wish you health and happiness. (She hands Monica a cookie in a plastic baggie.)
Chandler: An old cookie?
Monica: (To Chandler) This is what happens when you don’t register for gifts!
Phoebe: See no-no, I made a batch and I froze it, and this is the only one left.
Chandler: We can’t accept this.
Phoebe: Why not?
Chandler: ‘Cause it’s gross.
Monica: No! Wait! I think I can figure out the recipe from this cookie! I do stuff like this at work all the time.
Phoebe: Really?!
Monica: Yeah! I bet I can do it.
(Chandler looks over and sees Ross glaring at them.)
Chandler: Okay, we owe you a present.
Ross: Two! I’ve been engaged twice!
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont (Joey’s boat), she’s shown to be in one of the waterways around New York, but in reality she’s in a sound stage on the Warner Bros. lot and we see New York from the water in some rather poor green screen shots. Rachel and Joey are on board.]
Joey: (drinking a beer) Look at this clown! Just because he’s got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (Yelling) Get out of the way jackass! (To Rachel) Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast’s all the way over there. (Points to the coast, meanwhile there is coast behind him.)
Rachel: Joey, just ignore the boats all right? We’re not finished with the lesson yet.
Joey: All right.
Rachel: Okay, I’m just gonna go over the basic points just one more time, are you ready?
Joey: Come on Rach, not again. I got it! Okay? Let’s start sailing, and I want to go over there (Points) where that boatload of girls is! (Yelling to them) Yo-ho-ho!
Rachel: Oh, okay. Is that what you want to do? You wanna go over and give a little shout out to the old, hot chickas? Okay, let’s do that Sailor Joe. Quick question though, (grabs some of the rigging) what’s this called?
Joey: Uh, boat rope.
Rachel: Wrong! How do you get the mainsail up?
Joey: Uhh, rub it?
Rachel: No. What do you do if I say we are coming about?
Joey: I’d say, come again. No-no, wait I-I-I know this one, I know this one, uh…
(Rachel blasts an air horn in his ear.)
Rachel: Time’s up, now your dead.
Joey: And deaf!
Rachel: Okay, you just go on and make your little jokey-jokes, but if you do not know what you are doing out at sea you will die at sea. Am I getting through to you sailor?! (She punctuates each word by slapping him on the forehead.)
Joey: Yes.
Rachel: Don’t just say yes! This isn’t a game, Joey you can really get hurt out here. Okay, so do you want to pay attention or do you want to die?!
Joey: I want to make a ship to shore call to Chandler.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are trying to determine the cookie recipe by eating small pieces.]
Monica: All right, I definitely taste nutmeg.
Phoebe: You do?
Monica: You don’t? (Laughs) Well, that’s the difference between a professional and a layman.
Phoebe: That and arrogance.
Joey: (entering) Hey.
Monica: Hey! How was sailing?
Joey: I don’t want to talk about it. Y’know, you could’ve at least saved me a whole cookie. (He grabs what’s left of the cookie and pops in his mouth.)
Monica and Phoebe: No-wait-no-no!!!!!!!
Joey: (recoils in horror) Women are mean!!! (Storms out.)
Phoebe: I can’t believe that! Now the only thing left of my grandmother’s legacy is this crumb. (She picks it up with her finger and holds it out to Monica.) I wish you a long and happy marriage.
Ross: (entering with Chandler) Hey.
Monica: Hey! How was it?
Ross: Well I had a great time! Umm, Chancy on the other hand…
Chandler: I will tell the story! It was going great. I let him win. We were bonding. He even said I could call him dad.
Ross: And what did he ask you not to call him?
Chandler: Daddy. All right look, here’s the story. (Flashback to Chandler about to enter the steam room as he does the voice-over.) Well, we had just finished playing racquetball and we were gonna take a steam. I walk into the steam room and it was really steamy. (The flashback shows his glasses fog up and him trying to find his way around the steam filled room. He takes off his glasses.) So I take off my glasses and that’s when in happened.
[Cut to the flashback, Chandler’s no longer doing the voice-over.]
Chandler: Guys?
Ross: Over here. (You can see Ross sitting at the far wall.)
Mr. Geller: Have a seat son. (You can see Mr. Geller sitting closer to the door as Chandler walks over and sits in his lap.) Hey!! (Chandler quickly jumps off and sits next to him with a shocked expression on his face.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is finished telling everyone what happened.]
Monica: Oh my God Chandler! I can’t believe it!
Chandler: I know.
Monica: You gave my father a lap dance!
Chandler: Why do they put so much steam in there?!
Ross: ‘Cause otherwise they’d have to call it the room room.
Chandler: Why? Okay? Why? Wh-wh-why did that have to happen?
Phoebe: Come on, it’s not that big a deal!
Chandler: Not that big a deal? There…there was touching of things.
Ross: Now, I know you wanted to bond with my dad, but did you really have to bond to that part?
Monica: Listen, I’m sure that dad doesn’t care. He probably thought this was funny; he’ll be telling this story for years!
Chandler: I don’t want him to tell this story for years.
Ross: Oh, but he will. He still tells the story how Monica tried to escape from fat camp.
Monica: I wasn’t escaping.
Ross: Then how did you get caught in the barbed wire?
Monica: I was trying to help out a squirrel.
Ross: You were trying to eat it!
(The phone rings.)
Chandler: If that is your father calling to tell this story then the marriage is off!
Monica: (takes the phone from Ross) Come on. (Answering phone) Hello? (Listens) I’m sorry you have the wrong number. (Listens) (Whispering) Okay, I’ll call you later dad. I love you. (Hangs up.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are there.]
Chandler: (getting up) All right, I’m off to see your dad.
Ross: Whoa-whoa, aren’t you a little over dressed?
Rachel: (laughing) Yeah, and-and you better make sure he tips you this time.
Chandler: Look, I figured I would try to convince him not to tell the story anymore, and I figure the best way to do that is face to face—And by face I don’t mean his lap. And by face, I don’t mean my ass. (Exits.)
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey are you getting Monica and Chandler an engagement present?
Rachel: I don’t know. Y’know, they didn’t get us anything.
Ross: Thank you!
Joey: (entering) Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Well hello! So, when are we gettin’ back out on the water matey?
Joey: Oh uh, I don’t know the boat way to say this, but uh never!
Rachel: Why not?
Joey: Because! You’re mean on the boat!
Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.
Joey: Well, lesson learned! Rachel is mean!
Ross: Yeeeeeep… Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took out on her dad’s boat she wouldn’t let me help at all.
Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn’t move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets.
Ross: You have to respect the sea! (Storms off.)
Rachel: Look Joey, I’m sorry if-if you thought that was mean, but I gotta tell ya something. That was not mean. Okay, my father is mean. He used to yell at me all the time on the boat, I mean it was horrible. I was just being a good teacher.
Joey: Does a good teacher say, "Put down the beer pinhead!?"
Rachel: Well, does a good student drink seven beers during his first lesson?
Joey: Six and a half! You knocked that last one out of my hand! Remember?
Rachel: Yeah, I didn’t want you to get hit by the boom!
Joey: Well it hit me anyway! And it would’ve hurt a lot less if I had finished that last beer.
Rachel: All right, y’know what? I-I’m sorry. I will try to tone it down and uh stop yelling.
Joey: You won’t boss me around anymore?
Rachel: I won’t boss you around.
Joey: And you’ll be nice?
Rachel: And, I’ll be nice.
Joey: And you’ll be topless?
Rachel: And—Joey!
Joey: Do you want me to learn?!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is trying out different cookie recipes. Ross and Phoebe are the tasting group.]
Monica: Okay, here’s batch 22. Ohh, maybe these’ll taste a little like your grandmother’s. This has a little bit of orange peel, but no nutmeg.
Ross: Let’s give it a shot.
Monica: Okay. Man, I have not made this many cookies since I was in the ninth grade.
Phoebe: Oh, what was that for? Like a bake sale?
Monica: No, just a Friday night.
(They all take a bite.)
Ross: Ohh, these are pretty good.
Phoebe: Yeah, but not as good as batch 17.
Ross: Which one was that?
Monica: The ones we had right after you almost threw up.
Ross: Oh yeah! Batch 17 was good. I did not like batch 16. (Burps a little bit.) I’m okay.
Phoebe: Are there anymore from the good batch? ‘Cause we could just work off of those.
Ross: Yeah, ooh yeah, I think there is one from batch 17 left, uh… (Grabs a cookie and takes a big bite out of it and doesn’t like it.) It’s batch 16! 16 people! Get out of the way! (Gets up and runs for the bathroom.)
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, its Joey’s second lesson with Rachel as the resident sailing expert.]
Rachel: Okay Joey honey, you’re doing really good! All right, now I’m just gonna need you to step to the port side. (Joey pauses as he tries to remember which side is the port side.) Remember? Remember how we talked about the port side?
Joey: Ohh yeah.
Rachel: Right?
Joey: Nope.
Rachel: It’s left sweetie, but that’s okay sweetie, that’s a tough one.
Joey: I don’t know why you just don’t say left.
Rachel: Okay, go to the left. (Joey goes starboard or sits on the right side of the boat.) The left!
Joey: Huh?
Rachel: (yelling) Just sit over there!! (Points to the port side.)
Joey: (hurrying over) Okay! Okay, you’re yelling again! See that?
Rachel: No! No-no, no-no-no, very quiet, said with love, no yelling.
Joey: Oh, y’know what? Since I’m here, I think I’m gonna have me a little beer on the port side. (Grabs and opens one.)
Rachel: Okay Joey, we’re luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the cunningham? (The mainsail has started to flap in the wind and has stopped working efficiently; she wants him to tighten it so that it starts working again.)
Joey: Uh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff I didn’t know there.
Rachel: Joey, come on! We just went over this! (She does it instead.)
Joey: Oh, y’know, when we did that was when that bird was flying overhead with the fish in his mouth. Did you see it? It was gross!
Rachel: (angrily) No! All right?! I did not see the bird! I did not see the fish! I did not see the piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson! I did not, because I was trying to teach you how to sail a boat! Which obviously is an impossible thing to do!
Joey: All right that’s it! You’re yelling and I don’t see you taking your top off! I quit!
Rachel: What do you mean you quit?! You can’t quit!
Joey: Why not?!
Rachel: Because you’re not finished yet and I won’t have it! Greens do not quit!
Joey: Greens? I’m a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis quit!
Rachel: Oh my God, wait did I—I just said Greens don’t quit didn’t I? (Pause) (Angrily) Did I just say Greens don’t quit?!
Joey: Yes! Yes! You did and you’re still yelling at me!
Rachel: No! No! No! I’m not yelling at you, I’m just yelling near you. Oh God Joey, ohh I’m my father. Oh my God, this is horrible! I’ve been trying so hard not to be my mother I did not see this comin’. Oh, Joey, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I just wanted you to learn.
Joey: Well, hey I did learn.
Rachel: Really?
Joey: Yeah! Come on.
Rachel: Awww…
Joey: Yeah, it’s okay. I know what a mainsail is. (Points to it. It’s the larger sail.) I know, I know to duck when the boom comes across. I-I know port is right.
Rachel: Left.
Joey: Damnit!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the cookie trying period has pasted. Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are reflecting on the day’s events.]
Phoebe: Y’know, I bet it would actually make my grandmother very happy to know that we’re trying to figure out her recipe. I bet she’s l-l-lookin’ up at us and smiling right now.
Ross: Looking up?
Phoebe: Oh yeah—No, she was really nice to me, but she’s in hell for sure.
Monica: Well, I’ve tried everything. I give up. I guess I’m not gonna be the mom who makes the world’s best chocolate cookies. I do make the best duck confit with broccoli rabe. Kids love that right.
Ross: Aww, Pheeb, come on isn’t there any relative that would have the recipe? What about, what about your sister?
Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dead body. And that’s not happening ‘til October 15th, 2032.
Ross: That’s the day you’re gonna die? See—darnit, I’ve got shuffleboard that day.
Phoebe: That’s what you think.
Monica: Well, I mean what about friends of your grandmother’s? Wouldn’t they have the recipe?
Phoebe: Well, y’know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, Nesele Tolouse.
Monica: What was her name?
Phoebe: Nesele Toulouse.
Monica: Nestle Tollhouse?!
Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language.
Monica: (grabbing a bag of Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chips) Phoebe, is this the recipe? (Tosses her the bag.)
Phoebe: (reading the recipe on the back of the bag) Yes!! (Realizes.) Ohh.
Monica: I cannot believe that I just spent the last two days trying to figure out the recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time!
Phoebe: I know! You see it is stuff like this which is why (Looking down) you’re burning in hell!!
[Scene: The Gym, Chandler and Mr. Geller are heading for the whirlpool room.]
Chandler: So you understand, I’d feel a lot more comfortable if you didn’t tell people what happened. Y’know, I’m a little…I’m a little embarrassed about it.
Mr. Geller: I understand completely, there’s nothing more horrifying than embarrassing yourself in front of your in-laws. As a matter of fact, when I started dating Judy I was unemployed, and her father asked me what I did for a living and I told him I was a lawyer.
Chandler: What did you do when they found out?
Mr. Geller: They never did, so if ever see me giving them legal advice just nod along. Shall we?
(Chandler nods along and they enter the whirlpool room and remove their robes. Only Chandler is lacking a certain item of clothing. You see this is a coed whirlpool, which means swimsuits, and in fact there are two women already there and Chandler didn’t seem to wear his. Needless to say, everyone is shocked, including Chandler.)
Chandler: So I guess we wear swimsuits in here!
Ending Credits
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont, is tied up alongside the pier; Joey and Rachel are relaxing.]
Rachel: Well Joey, I hate to admit it, your way of sailing is a lot more fun.
Joey: Yeah, yeah. Hey, why don’t you give a pull on that rope? (Points.)
Rachel: Ohh we’re not sailing.
Joey: Just pull on it.
Rachel: All right. (She does so and it brings the cooler closer together.) Hey-hey-hey!! (Sees what’s in the cooler.) Sandwiches!
Joey: What else?
Rachel: (hands him one) Here you go.
Joey: Thank you.
Rachel: Oh wow! (She takes a bite, but holds the sandwich vertically so that the stuff falls out.)
Joey: What are you doing?
Rachel: Ohh, sorry.
Joey: What you—don’t hold it like that! You’re lettin’ all the good stuff fall out.
(More falls out.)
Rachel: Ohh whoops.
Joey: Careful! You’re wasting good pastrami! (Gasps.) Oh my God! I’m my dad!

End
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