C.H.E.E.S.E., 今天我们学到的就是啦啦队和高爆炸药互不相溶。说得没错，Mac。兄弟，幸好有你帮忙，我才搞得掂。你真是个天才。哦，真的？我的录像机总是闪烁着12:00我怎么死活修不好？嗯，你们觉得怎么样？喂？请稍等。Joey，是你妈妈。你妈咪，你妈咪哦。噢……你妈妈真好。妈，你觉得怎么样？呃……还不错。说不上是最好……这是简直有史以来最差的玩艺！还不仅仅是在电视上。我，我们怎么对他说啊？嗯，灯光效果不错噢，不，你不能说！你上次就说过灯光了这回灯光归我了！我说服装。喔！好！那就是说，我只能继续说：“嘿，我们一边看着你在那儿，而你大活人就坐在这儿！哇噢！”你打算怎么办啊？Pheebs？我不知道，我不知道。我不能再骗他了。噢 不！我——不！我决定干脆托起胸部靠在他身上。什么也不说？嗯，对，没错。哇噢！看来我家里人还真是喜欢我的表演！嗯，你们，你们几个觉得如何？还没好到那个地步吧！Phoebe，你相信从你最爱的动物上能看出你的人格吗？什么？你是说在我后面？喔！Hi，各位。喔 天！你们绝对不会相信今天在我身上发生了什么！我正在办公室里面坐着，然后……各位！各位！你们绝对不会相信我经纪人刚刚告诉了我什么！Joey！我这边刚说了一半！哦，对不起。你先说完，说吧。OK，嗯，我正坐在办公室里猜猜谁走近来了？我要同时演两个电视剧了！哦，太棒了！Joey！呃，你还没说完？说完了—我故事的结尾就是“猜猜谁进了我的办公室”。是Ralph Lauren！（Rachel所在公司的老板）Ralph Lauren走进了我的办公室！呃，Rach，要是你想开讲另一个故事，至少先让我说完啊。还是同一个故事呢。哇噢，真够长的。反正，Ralph走进来对我说，他对我的工作很满意，他要我当Polo牌子零售的销售经理！婚纱折扣还有吧？对！我真太为你高兴了！呃，这还真是“我们的每日生活”啊。什么？！嗯，既然你们问我。他们想让我重回“我们的每日生活”！(Days of Our Lives)噢，天啊！我还得了—我还有大幅加薪！噢 嘿！我要演的是Drake Remoray的孪生兄弟，Stryker！噢～！我还要雇一个我自己的助理！啊～！！呃——站得太猛，有点头昏。你做这行已经4年了？对。好，Hilda，这些都很出色，嗯，我还有最后一个问题。呃，我刚才表现怎么样？还行？什么？我以前还从来没有面试过别人呢。其实我以前手下没有人。尽管我小的时候，我家确实有个女佣，但是，这，这还不是一回事。不是，亲爱的。当然不是。不是。对，我知道。好，呃，非常感谢您能过来见到您很高兴。谢谢！见到你很高兴。好啦。我真是显得太职业了！你好？哇噢！嗯！Hi！是，呃，对不起，模特们应该在走廊那边。其实，我来是为了应聘助理。好，那，好，那就坐吧。呃，你叫，叫，你叫什么名字？Tag Jones。嗯，继续。没了。这就是我的全名。你的全名，对，当然就是了！好，嗯，我们，我们来看看——这儿。我知道我没在办公室里面上过班，而且我没有什么经验，但是，呃……喔，拜托，你说什么哪？你有3年的粉刷房屋经验，T.G.I. Friday's干过两个夏天，拜托啊！那很烂，我知道。但我是个追求结果的人，非常的好学……好吧，你先等一下。对不起，这是给人事部用的，人人都得拍。你能站起来吗？不，不，不，不。嘿！不论如何吧，我得走了。好，再见。嘿，亲爱的。Hi 亲爱的。嗯，你们刚才说什么悄悄话呢？我不能告诉你，这是秘密。秘密？结了婚的人之间不应该有秘密吧。我们深爱对方，相敬如宾。噢～。还是不行。不，我是认真的，我们应该告诉对方一切。我对你没有任何秘密。真的吗？好，那你怎么不告诉我Ross大三时在迪斯尼乐园出了什么事？噢，不，不，我可不能这么干。你要是告诉我，我就告诉你刚才Phoebe说什么。好吧。好。嗯，那天Ross和我去迪斯尼乐园半路停在一家餐馆吃玉米卷我所说的“餐馆”，就是一个人，一个炭火盆，还有他的汽车厢。然后Ross就吃掉了大概10个玉米馅饼，就这样，我们在“太空山”（迪斯尼过山车）上的时候，Ross开始觉得有点不对劲噢，天。他吐了？不，他去的是个比“吐”还靠下面的小地方。好了，Phoebe的秘密是什么？哦，Phoebe过去在按摩院的同事Nancy Thompson被解雇了。这就完了？！我就拿我的迪斯尼故事换了这个？太对了！你个笨笨。求你别抛弃我。Chandler，你有个助理，是吧？她打电话了？你，你告诉她我病了是吧？不管什么时候都告诉她，我病了！不，我—我只是不能决定到底雇谁。我是说，我已经把范围缩小到了两个人。他们中的一个有很好的推荐信，还有很多经验，然后另外一个人是这个……他怎么样？我爱死他了。他帅得我都想哭了！我不知道怎么办了。告诉我应该怎么办。别逗了，你知道应该怎么办！雇第一个啊！你雇个助理可不是因为他们帅，你雇他们是因为他们够资格。啊哈。不，我听见你说的话了，而，而且说得非常的对，但是我能不能再说一句？看看他有多帅！我看看。噢，天！噢……但还是不！你不能雇他。因为那——这可不够专业。嗯，这是给我的吗？谢了。好吧，你是对的。我明天雇Hilda吧。老痴呆的该职位绝佳人选Hilda！让我看看这人。哇——噢！别让Monica看这个！还有别告诉她“哇——噢”的事！嘿－嘿－嘿，Joey！嘿，Terry！又见到你真高兴！好久不见了，哈？哇，真奇怪这些房间看上去比以前小了啊。这是另一栋楼了。哦！Stryker Remoray是吧？你想让我什么时候开始？现在就开始吧！好。这是试演的场景。试演？我以为你是打算给我这个角色。你怎么会这么想？呃，我以前是Drake Remoray医生，Stryker的孪生兄弟啊。我是说，还有谁能比我更像我呢，对吧？每个人都得试演。Terry你知道，我—我不是非得要演这个。我有我自己的有线电视剧，和个机器人一起。对不住，Joey，这……这是规矩。好。我想你是觉得你很特殊是吧？你就在这漂亮小楼里好好坐着吧。让大明星们给你演钻圈玩？哈？你知道吗？这个明星就是圈……这明星就是那个圈……这个圈……我原来就是Drake Remoray医生！Hi！Tag。你在这干嘛呢？我是想过来谢谢你，昨天没有当面笑话我。我还注意到你办公室里面没有植物，所以我是想给你你的第一盆……你的办公室里面有一盆植物啊。就算是吧。对。看来我不应该在我简历上面写上“擅于观察”哦，哦，谢谢。嗯，我在想你是不是已经雇了人。呃……知道了。再次谢谢你见了我。但是我雇了你！什么？对！你—你得到这个工作了！你是我的新助理！我？！对！我简直不能相信！我也是。嗯，好啦，我要你做的第一件事就是到楼下去找到一个叫Hilda的女人，让她回家。nbsp;嘿。嘿！好，你在家啊！哦，比起“噢，见鬼，又是你！”，这永远那么动听。嘿，宝贝儿。嘿。我有个惊喜给你。哦，真的？嗯，玉米馅饼！自从你告诉我那个故事以后，我就一直特想吃玉米馅饼。你是不是没听明白那个故事啊？嘿！嘿！怎么样？Ross！哦，没什么。只是在考虑我晚上吃什么。哈。嘿？哦！那，那是什么啊，晚饭？今天你做饭？不是！嘘……！那放的是什么东西？玉米馅饼？不！不。那是，呃……那只是，呃……绞牛肉笑美丽（smiley，即阳光笑脸）啊，那就是玉米馅饼。不好意思，墨西哥先生。呃，不管怎么说吧，我不吃了。我还是不能吃那个。什么那么好笑？！我没笑啊。你告诉她了！Nancy Thompson被解雇了！你看，好吧，好吧，我食物中毒了！我可不是有意那么做的！并不是—不是好像我在说：“啊，这次怎么才能玩得更爽呢？！”你说的对。我是说，对不起。对，我不应该笑。我应该提前给你在下面垫几张纸！你怎么能告诉她？！我必须告诉她，好不好？我们就要结婚了！夫妻之间不应该保有秘密！哦，是吗？那我—我猜Monica应该知道大西洋城的事。大哥！在大西洋城怎么了？！嗯，Chandler和我在一个酒吧里面……你没听见我说“大哥”啊？！有个女孩向Chandler抛媚眼，好不好？所以过了一阵他—他就向她走过去，然后呃，一两分钟之后，我看见他们在接吻。我现在知道你在想什么，Chandler不是那种随便到酒吧去和女孩亲热的的人。而且你是正确的，Chandler确实不是那种到酒吧去和“女孩”亲热的人。你亲了个男的？！！噢，天啊！我得辩解，当时很暗，而且他确实是个帅哥。哦，Mon，我当时笑得不行了……喔，喔，是不是因为我们不得不把你的内裤再扔掉啊？随便你吧，老兄，你亲了个男的！Hi！嘿。嘿？哦，Hilda怎么样？她干得还行？哦，我的新助理干得不错，对。你给她工作她高兴吗？哦，我，我的新助理非常高兴我雇了个新助理。喂？嘿！您…请您稍等一下？是“Mac和C.H.E.E.S.E.”的制片人。你们等我一会。嘿，你打过来就好了。我正等着下星期的剧本呢。取消了？！就是说他们不播了？哦。好吧，星期一见。我们连拍也不拍了？！好吧，再见！他们把“Mac和C.H.E.E.S.E”取消了！对不起。对不起，Joey。他们为什么要那么干？！这是个好电视剧，是不是？！你想说秘密？！好！好！在大学里，Ross穿过暖腿套（一种女装）！好啊！好！Chandler参加了个“瓦尼拉·艾斯酷似面孔赛”，还赢了！（Vanilla Ice，白人说唱歌手）Ross得的第四名，还哭了！噢，天啊！哦，这好玩吗？！哦，你觉得这好玩？！好吧，也许Chandler也想知道点你的秘密！我—我已经告诉他所有事了！你省省把！！有一次Monica没吃饭就被送回了她房间，她就在她首饰盒里面做通心粉吃掉了。Ross从前每星期六夜里都不睡觉，等着看“金发女郎”！Monica在13岁之前都不会看时间！对有些人就是困难！当然困难了。哇噢？哇啊！Chandler有一次穿我的内衣去上班！嘿！！！哦，对不起，我想不出更多Ross的秘密了！哦！哦！在大学的时候，一次Chandler喝醉了就和打扫我们房间的女工上了床！那是你！不管怎么样吧，老兄，你亲了个男的。这怎么会发生在我身上？！昨天我还有两个电视剧！今天，我什么都没了！等等，“我们的每日生活”出了什么问题？呃，他们可能有点生我的气。怎么了？呃，也许我有点急了，也许我还告诉他们哪凉快哪呆着。Joey，你为什么要那么做啊？因为他们想让我做试演！让你？！一个演员？！那简直太疯狂了！Rachel Green的办公室。Tag？Hi，是谁？没谁。我就是练练。是吗？Hi！Hi！Rachel Green的办公室。你一定是Hilda。是啊，这是Tag。Tag，这是Phoebe。Phoebe，我能和你说句话吗？Phoebe！是个好名字！哦，你喜欢？你应该再听听我的电话号码哦。好啦。我们一会就回来。嘿，你还真是给自己上了盘小菜，是吧？好啦，Pheebs，我知道，我知道这看上去如何，但是我告诉你……但是，但是你知道你不能和你的助理搞在一起。是，我知道。我知道。而且我也知道雇他来可能不是我有生以来做的最明智的事。但是我告诉你，从此刻开始，我发誓这会是绝对的职业关系。请进？嘿，Rachel！Hi！帅助理！他有什么故事？他是……同性恋？对。嘿！Terry。Joey Tribbiani！我真惊讶您的大驾还能走进我们这小地方！我得走了，Joey。等等！Terry！等等……你看……等等……我，我，你看，我对从前的事情很抱歉。我自认大牌，不给你做试演，我是个白痴。你一定得再给我个机会。爱莫能助，Joey。等等！Terry！求你了！你看，我刚刚丢了另一份工作。好不好？你没法理解我有多么需要这个角色。求你了，帮我一把，看在从前的交情上。这个可怜人已经昏迷了5年了。没救了。不是没救！Stryker Remoray医生能创造奇迹。看，他来了。早上好。Drake，我是你弟弟Stryker啊。你能听见我吗？咔！我又回来啦，宝贝儿！哈－哈－哈！你知道，我得辩解说，嗯，那通心粉上没有亮光，胶水也很少。我也得辩解说，清洁女工是冲我来的！你现在认时间没有困难吧？没有！快！现在是什么时间？我不知道！也许是亲男人的时间？！你笑什么笑啊，帮宝适？（Pampers，纸尿裤）你知道，当我说那话时，那是因为我们就要结婚了，所以我们应该分享所有事情，没有秘密。是吗？是，那太傻了。我们还是不要这样了。噢，没错。而且！我们应该保守我们互相说的这些秘密呃，不要告诉其他人。对呀，当然！好了，你们要是没事的话，我，我得去和那些不知道“太空山”故事的人出去玩玩了。那，我得躲开Phoebe。拜托！（对不起！）对，你是得躲着，我可是不能和……我办公室所有的同事见面了。Hi！你有时间吗？呃，有，怎么？今天吃午饭的时候有两个人想和我约会……男的。哦？真的？！对。是你告诉别人我是同性恋吗？哦，你不想别人知道吗？但我不是同性恋。而且特别是我不想让你认为我是同性恋。为什么？我想我不应该说。哦，你可以说。说吧，我不想让你觉得你不能对我倾诉。好。好。呃……啊。我很想约会你的朋友Phoebe。是吗，她是同性恋耶。
704 The One With Rachel’s Assistant
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, everyone is there and they are finishing watching the first episode of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Joey is of course Mac.]
Mac: (on TV) Well, if we learned one thing today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that cheerleaders and high explosives don’t mix. (Cut to Joey laughing while Rachel, Chandler, and Monica aren’t amused.)
C.H.E.E.S.E: You can say that again Mac.
Mac: Well, I couldn’t have done it without you buddy. You’re a genius.
C.H.E.E.S.E: Oh yeah? Well then how come I can’t get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00?
(They both break into a huge laugh and do that stop motion thing they had at the end of ChiPs.)
Joey: (laughing and turning off the TV) So, what did you guys think?
(They all make happy faces as they are unable to express their feelings verbally. Finally, the phone rings and the race to answer it is won by Monica.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Hold on please. Joey, it’s your mom. (Hands him the phone.)
Chandler: It’s your mommy. It’s your mommy.
Rachel: That’s nice.
Joey: (on phone) Mom, so what did you think? (He walks away allowing the gang a chance to figure out what they’re gonna say.)
Rachel: Well that was umm…Okay.
Ross: It wasn’t the best.
Chandler: That was one of the worse things ever. And not just on TV.
Monica: Wh-what are we gonna tell him?
Ross: Well, the lighting was okay.
Rachel: Ohh no you don’t! You got lighting last time, lighting is mine!
Monica: And I have costumes.
Ross: Oh great! That means I’m stuck with, "So, we were watching you in there (Points to the TV) and you were sittin’ right here! Whoa!"
(Phoebe gets up.)
Rachel: What are you gonna do Pheebs?
Phoebe: I don’t know. I don’t know. I can’t lie to him again. Oh no I—no! I’m just gonna press my breasts up against him.
Chandler: And say nothing?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah that’s right.
Joey: (hangs up the phone) Wow! Well, my folks really liked it! So what-what did you guys think? (Phoebe smiles, walks up to him, and presses her breasts against him.) It wasn’t that good.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are reading on the couch.]
Monica: Phoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says much about you?
Phoebe: What? You mean behind my back?
Rachel: (entering, excitedly) Oh! Hi you guys, oh my God! You’ll never gonna believe happened to me today! I am sitting in my office and…
Joey: (entering from bathrooms excitedly) You guys! You guys! You’re not gonna believe what my agent just told me!
Rachel: Joey! Kinda in the middle of a story here!
Joey: Ooh, sorry. Sorry. You finish, go.
Rachel: Okay, so anyway I’m sittin’ in my office and guess who walks in.
Joey: I’m gonna be on two TV shows!
Monica and Phoebe: Oh, that’s great!!
Joey: Oh, you weren’t finished?
Rachel: Yeah! Guess who walks into my office is the end of my story. (To Monica and Phoebe) It was Ralph Lauren! (Monica and Phoebe gasp) Ralph Lauren walked into my office!
Joey: Uh Rach, if you’re gonna start another story, at least let me finish mine.
Rachel: It’s the same story.
Joey: (groans in disgust) Wow, it’s really long.
Rachel: (ignoring him) Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that he’s so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail.
Monica: Still get a discount on wedding dresses?
Monica: I’m so happy for you!
Joey: Well, these really are the days of our lives.
Joey: Well, since you ask. They want me back on Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh God!
Rachel: I got—I get a big pay raise!
Phoebe: Oh hey!
Joey: I’ll be playing Drake Remoray’s twin brother, Stryker!
Rachel: I get to hire my own assistant!
Monica and Phoebe: Ahhh!!
Joey: (jumps up) Well—I got a head rush from standing up to fast right there.
[Scene: Rachel’s New Office, she’s interviewing a potential new assistant, Hilda.]
Rachel: (reading the resume) And you were at this job for four years?
Hilda: That’s right.
Rachel: Okay, well this is all very impressive Hilda, um I just have one last question for you. Uh, how did I do? Was this okay?
Rachel: I’ve never interviewed anyone before. I’ve actually never had anyone work for me before. Although when I was a kid, we did have a maid, but this is-this isn’t the same thing.
Hilda: No dear. It’s not.
Rachel: No. Yeah, and I know that. All right, well thank you so much for coming in it was nice to meet you.
Hilda: Thank you! Good meeting you.
Rachel: All right. (Hilda exits) I’m a total pro!
(There’s a knock on the door and a handsome man enters.)
Rachel: (seeing him) Wow! H-umm! Hi! Yes, uh I’m sorry the models are actually down the hall.
Man: Actually, I’m here about the assistant job.
Rachel: Really?! (Taking his resume) Okay well then, all right, well just have a seat there. Umm, so what’s—what is—what’s your name?
Man: Tag Jones.
Rachel: Uh-huh, go on.
Tag: That’s it. That’s my whole name.
Rachel: That’s your whole name, okay of course it is! Okay, well let’s-let’s just have a look-see here. (Looking at his resume)
Tag: I know I haven’t worked in an office before, and I really don’t have a lot of experience, but uh…
Rachel: Oh come on, what are you talking about? You’ve got three years painting houses. Two whole summers at T.G.I. Friday’s, come on!
Tag: It’s lame, I know. But I’m a goal-oriented person, very eager to learn…
Rachel: Okay, hold on just a second. (She grabs a camera out of the desk and takes his picture.) I’m sorry, it’s for human resources, everybody has to do it. Could you just stand up please?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sitting on the couch when some unknown guy comes in and sits in their easy chair.]
Chandler: No-no-no-no. (Waves him away as Monica and Phoebe enter whispering to each other.) Hey! (Monica shushes him.)
Phoebe: (To Monica) Anyway, I should go. Okay, bye.
Monica: (To Chandler) Hey sweetie.
Chandler: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering?
Monica: I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.
Chandler: Secret? Married people aren’t supposed to have secrets between one another. We have too much love and respect for one another.
Monica: Awww. (Kisses him.) But still no.
Chandler: No I’m serious, we should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you.
Monica: Really? Okay, so why don’t you tell me what happened to Ross Junior year at Disneyland?
Chandler: Oh no-no, I can’t do that.
Monica: If you tell me, I’ll tell you what Phoebe said.
Chandler: So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, we’re on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.
Monica: Oh my God. He threw up?
Chandler: No, he visited a little town south of throw up. (Monica laughs hysterically.) So what was Phoebe’s secret?
Monica: Oh, Nancy Thompson from Phoebe’s old massage place is getting fired.
Chandler: That’s it?! I gave up my Disneyland story for that?
Monica: That’s right! You lose sucker!! (Pause) Please still marry me.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]
Rachel: Chandler, you have an assistant right?
Chandler: (angrily) Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick!
Rachel: No, I-I just don’t know how you decide who to hire. I mean I’ve got it narrowed down to two people. One of them has great references and a lot of experience and then there’s this guy…
Chandler: What about him?
Rachel: I love him. He’s so pretty I wanna cry! I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do.
Phoebe: Come on you know what to do! You hire the first one! You don’t hire an assistant because they’re cute, you hire them because they’re qualified.
Rachel: Uh-huh. No, I hear what you’re saying and-and-and that makes a lot of sense but can I just say one more thing? (Takes out his picture.) Look how pretty!
Phoebe: Let’s see. (Looking at the picture) Oh my God! Oh… But no! No! You can’t-you can’t hire him, because that—it’s not professional. Umm, this is for me (The picture) yes? Thanks. (Puts it in her pocket.)
Rachel: Okay you’re right. I’ll hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb old perfect for the job Hilda!
Chandler: Let me see this guy. (Phoebe hands him the picture.) W-H-Wow! Don’t show this to Monica! And don’t tell her about the W-H-Wow!
[Scene: The Days of Our Lives producer’s office, Joey is entering to find Terry there.]
Terry: Hey-hey-hey Joey!
Joey: Hey Terry!
Terry: Good to see you again!
Joey: It’s been a while, huh? Wow, it’s funny these halls look smaller then they used to.
Terry: It’s a different building.
Joey: So! Stryker Remoray huh? When do you want me to start?
Terry: Why don’t we start right now!
Terry: Here are the audition scenes. (Holds out the script.)
Joey: (looking between the pages and him) Audition? I thought you were gonna offer me the part.
Terry: Why would you think that?
Joey: Well, I was Dr. Drake Remoray, Stryker’s twin brother. I mean, who looks more me than me right?
Terry: Everybody has to audition.
Joey: Y’know Terry, I-I don’t really need to do this. I got my own cable TV series, (Pause) with a robot.
Terry: I’m sorry Joey that’s…that’s the way it is.
Joey: Well. I guess you think you’re pretty special huh? Sittin’ up here in your fancy small hall building. Makin’ stars jump through hoops for ya, huh? Well y’know what? (Throws the script away) This is one star who’s hoop… This is a star that the hoop—this hoop—I was Dr. Drake Remoray!
[Scene: Rachel’s office, she’s there as Tag knocks on the door and enters carrying a plant.]
Rachel: Hi! Tag. What are you doing here?
Tag: I just wanted to come by and thank you for not laughing in my face yesterday. And I noticed there aren’t any plants in your office so I wanted to bring you your first… (Notices her plant) There is a plant in your office.
Tag: Right. So I guess I shouldn’t put good at noticing stuff on my resume. (Sets the plant down on her desk.)
Rachel: Oh-ohh, thank you.
Tag: Anyway, I’m guessing you hired somebody.
Tag: Gotcha. Thanks again for meeting with me. (Starts to leave.)
Rachel: But I hired you!
Rachel: Yeah! You-you got the job! You’re my new assistant!
Tag: I am?!
Tag: I can’t believe it!
Rachel: Me either. Umm, all right, first thing I need you to do is go downstairs and find a women named Hilda and tell her to go home.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is setting the table for dinner as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Hey! Good, you’re home!
Chandler: Oh it’s always nicer to here than, "Aw crap! You again!"
Monica: Hey baby. (Kisses him.)
Monica: I made you a surprise.
Chandler: Oh yeah?
Monica: Yeah, tacos! Ever since you told me that story I’ve had such a craving for them.
Chandler: Did you not understand the story?
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: Hey! What’s up?
Ross: Oh, nothin’ much. Just trying to figure out what I’m gonna do for dinner.
Ross: (notices the table) Hey—Ooh! What’s-what’s that, dinner stuff? You making dinner?
Chandler: No! (The oven dings.) Shhh!
Ross: What you got over there? Tacos?
Monica: No! No. They’re umm… They’re just uh…ground beef smileys. (Holding up one of the shells.)
Ross: Uhh, those are tacos.
Monica: Excuse me Mr. Mexico.
Ross: Eh, either way I’ll pass. (Quietly to Chandler) I still can’t eat those. (Monica is getting something out of the fridge and starts laughing.) What’s so funny?!
Monica: (trying not to laugh) I’m not laughing.
(Ross and Chandler move closer to her and she starts laughing again.)
Ross: (To Chandler) You told her!
Chandler: Nancy Thompson’s getting fired! (Monica slaps him on the shoulder.)
Ross: (To Monica) Look, okay-okay I had food poisoning! It’s not like I choose to do it! It’s not like—It’s not like I said, "Umm, what would make this ride more fun?!"
Monica: You’re right. I mean I’m sorry. Yeah, I shouldn’t be laughing. I should be laying down papers for you! (Runs off laughing which gets Chandler laughing.)
Ross: (To Chandler) How could you tell her?!
Chandler: I had too okay?! We’re getting married! Married couples can’t keep secrets from one another!
Ross: Oh really? Well I-I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Monica: (running up to Ross) What happened in Atlantic City?!
Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar…
Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude?!"
Ross: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after awhile he-he goes over to her and uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you’re thinking, Chandler’s not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and you’re right, Chandler’s not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with…girls.
Monica: (To Chandler) You kissed a guy?!! Oh my God.
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
Ross: Oh Mon, I laughed so hard…
Chandler: Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?
Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is giving Joey a massage as Rachel enters.]
Phoebe: Hey—Ooh, how’s Hilda? Is she working out?
Rachel: Ohh, my new assistant is working out, yes.
Joey: Was she happy you gave her the job?
Rachel: Oh, my-my new assistant has very happy that I hired my new assistant.
(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)
Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh hey! Can you, can you hang on a second? (To Phoebe and Rachel) It’s the producers over at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. can you excuse me for a minute? (On phone) Hey, funny you should call. I was just looking over next week’s script. (Listens) Canceled?! (Listens) Like they’re taking it off the air? (Listens) Ohh. (Listens) All right, see you Monday. (Listens) We’re not even shootin’ them anymore?!! (Listens) All right, bye! (Hangs up) They canceled Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E!
Rachel: I’m sorry Joey.
Joey: Why would they do that?! It was a good show right?!
(Phoebe and Rachel both pause, look at each other, and go press their breasts against him. Which Joey doesn’t mind, of course.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are still giving away all of their secrets.]
Chandler: You wanna tell secrets?! Okay! Okay! In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!
Ross: All right! All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won!
Chandler: Ross came in forth and cried!
Monica: Oh my God! (Laughing)
Ross: Oh, is that funny?! Oh, you-you find that funny?! Well maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets too!
Monica: I-I already told him everything! (Threateningly) You shush!!
Ross: Once Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box she’d made.
Monica: Ross used to stay up every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls!
Ross: Monica couldn’t tell time ‘til she was 13!
Monica: It’s hard for some people!
Chandler: (To Monica) Of course it is. (Mouths to Ross) Wow—whoa!
Monica: Chandler one time wore my underwear to work!
Monica: Ohh, I’m sorry I couldn’t think of anymore for Ross!
Ross: Ohh! Ohh! In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!
Chandler: That was you!
Ross: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is still bumming about cancellation of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Joey: How could this happen to me?! Yesterday I had two TV shows! Today, I got nothin’!
Rachel: Well wait a minute, what happened to Days of Our Lives?
Joey: Uh, well they might be a little mad at me over there.
Phoebe: What happened?
Joey: Well maybe I got a little upset and maybe I told them where they could go.
Rachel: Joey, why would you do that?
Joey: Because they wanted me to audition!
Phoebe: You! An actor?! That’s madness!
[Scene: Rachel’s Outer Office, Tag is sitting at his desk as Rachel walks up. She stops and watches him pick up the phone.]
Tag: Rachel Green’s office. (Hangs up.)
Rachel: Tag? (He turns and looks at her.) Hi, who was that?
Tag: (shyly) Nobody. I was just practicing.
Rachel: Really? (Giggles.)
(Phoebe rounds the corner.)
Tag: Hi! Rachel Green’s office.
Phoebe: You must be Hilda.
Rachel: Yeah, this is Tag. Tag, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, can I see you for a second? (Goes into office.)
Tag: Phoebe! That’s a great name.
Phoebe: Oh, you like that? You should hear my phone number.
Rachel: (grabbing Phoebe) Okay. We’ll be right back. (They go into her office and she closes the door.)
Phoebe: So you hired yourself a little treat did ya?
Rachel: All right I know, I know how it looks Pheebs, but I’m telling you…
Phoebe: But-but you know you cannot get involved with your assistant.
Rachel: Yes, I know that. I know that. And I know that hiring him was probably not the smartest thing that I’ve ever done. But I’m telling you, from this moment on I swear this is strictly professional. (There’s a knock on the door.) Yes?
(Kathy enters (Because she’s listed in the credits).)
Kathy: Hey Rachel!
Kathy: Cute assistant! What’s his story? Is he…
Rachel: Gay? Yeah. (Kathy leaves dejectedly.)
[Scene: Terry’s office, Joey has come to beg for a second chance.]
Joey: Hey! Terry.
Terry: Joey Tribbiani! I’m surprised your big head could fit through our small halls! (Gets up) I gotta go Joey.
Joey: Wait! Terry! Wait—Look—Wait I-I… Look, I’m really sorry about before. I was an idiot thinking I’m too big to audition for you. You gotta give me another chance.
Terry: I can’t help you Joey.
Joey: Wait! Terry! Please! Look, I just lost my other job. Okay? You have no idea how much I need this. Please, help me out, for old times sake.
[Cut to a hospital room set on the Days of Our Lives stage. Two nurses are standing next to a bed with a man whose face is completely covered in bandages and reading his chart.]
Nurse #1: This poor guy’s been in a coma for five years. It’s hopeless.
Nurse #2: It’s not hopeless! Dr. Stryker Remoray’s a miracle worker. Look, here he comes.
(Stryker enters, only it’s not Joey playing him.)
Dr. Stryker Remoray: Good morning. (He walks over to the bed, leans down, and whispers to him.) Drake, it’s your brother Stryker. Can you hear me?
The Director: And cut!
Joey: (jumping up and removing the bandages) I’m back baby! Ha-ha-ha!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are sitting there and not talking to each other.]
Monica: Y’know, in my defense, umm there was no glitter on the macaroni and very little glue.
Ross: And in my defense, the cleaning lady came on to me!
Chandler: (To Monica) You have no trouble telling time now right?
Chandler: Quick! What time is it?! (Holds his watch in front of her face.)
Monica: I don’t know! Time to kiss a guy maybe?! (Ross laughs.) What are you laughing at Pampers? (He stops laughing and glares at her.)
Chandler: Y’know when I said that because we’re getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets?
Chandler: Yeah that was stupid. Let’s not do that.
Monica: Ohh, absolutely.
Ross: And! We should keep all the stuff uh, we told each other secret from everybody else.
Monica: Yeah, definitely!
Ross: Okay, (gets up) if you’ll excuse me, I-I’m gonna go hang out with some people who don’t know the Space Mountain story.
Monica: Then, I’d steer clear of Phoebe.
Ross: Man! (Monica mouths, "I’m sorry.")
Chandler: Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldn’t hang out with…all the guys in my office.
(Ross storms out.)
[Scene: Rachel’s office, she’s looking at a picture of Tag when he knocks and enters.]
Rachel: (noticing him) Hi! (Puts the pictures away.)
Tag: Do you have a minute?
Rachel: Well yeah, sure, what’s up?
Tag: I got asked out twice today when I was at lunch…by guys.
Rachel: Oh really?!
Tag: Yeah. Did you tell someone that I was gay?
Rachel: Oh, did you not want people to know that?
Tag: But I’m not gay. And I especially wouldn’t want you to think I was gay.
Rachel: Why’s that?
Tag: I don’t think I should say.
Rachel: Ohh, you can say. Come on, I don’t want you to feel like you can’t tell me things. (Motions for him to sit down.)
Tag: I’d love to ask out your friend Phoebe.
Rachel: (Pause) Yeah, she’s gay.