嗨怎么了?有人在地铁舔我的脖子!舔我的脖子!!喔,伟利冤魂不散!你们做什么呢?喔, 我妈说要在本地报纸登订婚启示,所以要找张拍得好的照片.Oooh, 恐怕应该没有.不对, 我们拍过很多好照片!你那些好照片,旁边的人都是这样的… 我的天啊! 真让人感到恐怖.我不知道为什么不能拍张好照片.这张蛮好的.哦, 我不在照片里.我知道,但你看我晒的多黑.嘿,你们不如找专业摄影师拍照.好主意! 他们一定有吹风机! 对,好极了! 那样钱德会显得不那么笨.钱德,你怎么想?好的, 但我先声明,我不会去. 我会去. 那个反手上球! 哇喔ˇ那些三分球怎么样?一流!那些家伙几乎让我们赢球.嘿 看,菲比在跟咖啡店帅哥聊天.喔, 你叫他咖啡店帅哥? 我们叫他“尿时恩恩声”.我们叫罗斯为厕所所长.嗨,“尿时恩恩声”约我去逛街了!我以为那个家伙已经结婚了.对啊! 但他准备离婚了. 罗斯! 也许你认识他.没有离婚俱乐部.菲比, 他就要离婚了, 你觉得跟他约会合适吗?嗨, 离婚的男人不是坏男人!你可以在你们离婚俱乐部的餐巾上印上这句话.喔,我要回去工作了.还有半小时呢!但是我的助手特加要在午餐时间做仰卧起坐. 喔! 我恨不能吃了他！你既然暗恋他,为什么还要雇他? 我想你知道你不能跟他约会, 对吗?喔,我很清楚. 我们曾开玩笑说在一起这么长时间,他可以称我为"工作老婆"了他迟些时候会叫你"被炒鱿鱼的女人".我不会, 因为我不会付诸行动.你不介意他跟别的女人约会?为什么? 他有啊! 他跟市场部的女人约会!也许我该成立离婚俱乐部.太可怜了.我可以在后边建一个篮球场.我可以一起打吗?嗨, 今天没做仰卧起坐吗?刚做完.喔, 马上再做十个!什么?我-我午饭时喝了点酒. 花费报告填完了吗?是的,我昨晚填好了.喔,太好了,帮我影印四份好吗?没问题谢谢.嗨 瑞秋!啊, 嗨! 米丽莎, 什么事?我去商店买了一些东西,现在放进我的背包里. 只是一些水果干、麦片之类的东西. 有什么事吗? 恩, 特加在吗?不在. 什么事?喔, 我今天晚上想约他.真的?! 你跟他有点意思?!我们经常眉来眼去, 但我希望今天晚上能有更实质的进展.别着急,米丽莎,这里是办公室,好吗? 但是,我想起他说今天晚上有事了.喔,不会吧!真的. 好了,回去工作.嗨! 这不是特加的书包吗?米丽莎, 我不想得罪人, 贱人, 但是我会叫你的主管的.好极了,莫尼卡,好极了! 钱德, 你可以笑一下吗?好. 对不起, 你坐的不舒服吗?不,是我不舒服.钱德, 听我说, 你行的.你的笑容很美丽.真的? 对啊! 好了, 也许你不用笑. 我们试试其他的. 试试……扮性感.好. 还是不要了.嗨,乔! 你怎么到这来了?我在附近试镜,不小心把衣服弄脏了. 你这有吗?当然有.恩……这里. 有不是这个牌子的吗?应该没,乔.好吧，那就这件吧.嗨,今晚有事吗?没有, 什么事?想带我的助手特加出去吗?我付帐.让我跟男孩约会要很多钱.我不是请你跟他约会.真的, 我急用钱.乔, 他来纽约不久,我知道他没有多少男性朋友.你带他去看看球赛之类的，我会感激不尽的.好吧,没问题.喔~甜麦圈.对. 我想到了,我们试着向远处望. 我们想想未来,想想结婚后的生活. 钱德,你的脸到底怎么了?? 这张相片应该是说"我们订婚了"不是"女人拯救溺水笨蛋!" 嗨! 不要笑他! 他是我的溺水笨蛋!呵呵! 就是这样,快照,快照. :我喜欢这一张. 好象是说"爱你爱到杀死你"不可能都不行的. 找眼睛就象刚睡醒似的那长. 噢,就是这样.上帝啊! 我刚睡醒时的眼睛就这样?!你怎么敢跟我睡觉?你真的想我说出来吗?我现在很开心!我也是! 我很抱歉在地铁里那个男人舔了你的脖子.喔,没关系,他是我的朋友.嗨, 我知道这样有点急,但是我有两张明天天晚上舞蹈决赛的门票,一起去好吗?好的,我已经错过了半决赛,我还以为连决赛也会错过.我知道这没多大说服力,但门票是我老板给的.噢,不,不,我的上帝!别惊慌,我会去的.我的前妻维妮在外边,我不想见她.她是个疯女人.好的，我知道了.等一下. 嗨,罗斯.什么事?基利的前妻维妮在门口, 你现在可以转移她的视线,让我们逃走吗?什么?! 不!好的,但是我有两张舞蹈决赛的门票. 我不这么想,菲比，我… 好吧,我帮你就是了. 但只是看在朋友的面上. Hi,好的! 我要回我的钥匙!我没有!就在这里! 噢~!好吧,侦探. 不好意思,你快走吧,菲比.好吧,我只是来感谢你帮我引开基利前妻的注意. 不用客气,我们下次再说.好的.嗨,维妮.嗨,罗斯! 准备好去吃早饭了吗?是的.基利的前妻? 我叫你引开她的注意,不是让你跟她约会!对不起, 可以给我点时间跟这个女人谈一下吗?还有,她没有在这里留宿.没问题.好. 我引开她的注意,但是我们在一起很开心,ok?一起看舞蹈决赛?是的! 我们发现我们兴趣相投!好的, 罗斯,基利告诉我了她很多坏毛病.例如?例如,她很小气,吹毛求疵.还有,她没经过你同意,就把你的房间染成其他颜色.好.还有,她用性来做武器.好的! 谢谢你的忠告. 一会我会警惕房间的颜色还有性武器.你还是跟她出去?对!你没听到我说的吗?!菲比,谁跟你这样说的!她的前夫当然这样说她了.现在,我失陪了.听我说,她是疯子!嗨,你的门不隔音.看,她还在挑三捡四.早上好.嗨,特加! 昨天晚上跟乔玩的开心吗?是啊,我们一起去看篮球赛.喔，好极了.然后我们去酒吧,他带我泡女人! 女人? 你是说老女人?有点老, 30多岁吧.噢.以前我不会在酒吧跟女孩聊天,但是我昨天晚上大概拿到了20个电话.太棒了! 乔肯定教了你几招吧?恩?一点点啦.是吗?你好吗?看? 多好的微笑! 自然点.假装这里有部相机. 你的表情变了!我控制不了!好吧,好吧,你知道我拍简历照时怎么做吗?跟我借钱?好的,首先要表现自然. 我向下看,向下看,继续向下看,然后抬起头.看到了吗?现在你试一下.向下看……继续向下看…为什么你的鞋上有果酱?我吃了甜麦圈. 嗨!嗨!嗨!你昨晚跟特加玩的很开心,恩?对,那家伙蛮好的!你教了他怎样……乔什么?你知道, 泡妞.嘿,女人缘是与生俱来的. 所以我跟钱德一起就很倒霉.我在这里!好吧,不要在跟他一起出去了,好吗? 你跟她一起泡妞的事……我知道他是我的助手,我不能跟他约会.但这很烦,好吗?不,你不能从我这抢走他! 我终于找到能一起吸引异性的伙伴,精选的!我还在这里!好,麻烦你至少告诉他,!跟这么多女人约会是非常无聊的.什么?!我不想他跟别人约会,现在我还对他有兴趣?我会克服的. 我只是爱他的外表! 我经常这样的!我刚认识你时也对你有兴趣.我知道,莫尼卡对我说过.那你认识我时,对我有兴趣吗?耶,当然. 难道你们看不到我吗?! 那,你会跟他说吧?我不知道,瑞秋.喔,! 我送你十件名牌衬衫.一件! 不,十件! 你说的十件! 说话要算数!嗨,乔, 找我有事吗?我不知道. 你带了东西给我吗?喔,是的, 瑞秋让我带来的.十. 好的. 特加,女人太多未必是好的.真的?是的,对你而言.嗨,你来!我来了.你还好吗?是的,乔说我要… 我需要放松,所以他给我吃了过敏药什么?!是的,我坐地铁时睡着了,一直坐到布鲁克林.布鲁克林很远……钱德,你在想什么?不知道, 但不用担心, 因为我知道怎么拍照了. 好的,看? 向下看,向下看,向下看ˇ 钱德?在! 嗨.嗨.跟那疯女人怎么样? 她把你的兔子煮了吗?听我说,你只是听了一面之词,明白吗?告诉你,她染房子前给基利看过30多个色版 然后他却说"我不管这些小事"好的,但他应该少点时间去染墙,花多点时间在卧室.我想我们不会发生这种问题, 可能因为我不是性冷淡.你以为他是性冷淡??我想有可能.她不每天把公事带回家,他就不会!那是她知道了她生活的目标!她一定记得1997年圣诞夜做过的事.我早知道你会说起这件事!! 那是三年前的事! 她已经不断道歉了!你还想怎么样?!!我们后悔付出了六年的时间!!我们也是!!我们也是!!不好意思让你们见怪了.早上好,瑞秋.嗨,谢谢. 昨天晚上怎么样?跟乔出去了.是吗?又去泡妞了?不,我们谈的很投机. 我以后不会再流连酒吧.哇,你好象变了一个人.那不是真正的我. 我会很开心,假如…我为什么说呢? 你没兴趣听.不,我有兴趣! 继续说,你刚才说"你会很开心,假如…"假如我有一个正式的,我很爱她的女朋友.真的?我可以宠爱她, 你知道宠爱?我问你些东西恩?你相信缘分是上天注定吗?我也开始相信了.如果那个人已经出现在你身边, 你应该去把握吗?对,当然应该!好的,那我决定了!好的.我决定跟前女友复合.求之不得!什么?喂?! 喔, 是! 要说一会…你出去一下.是.上帝啊!喔,对不起,你觉得烦吗? 说到对性事很自私, 维尼怎么样?假如某人了解,她就不用自私!噢,他知道! 知道大部分.嗨! 好极了,你们都在.我们有些东西要谈.你们两个一起?什么事?我昨晚去基利家拿回东西,然后我们和好了.我们谈了一晚，然后找到了生气的原因.因为互相还有感觉…所以… 有话直说,基利!我们想给对方一个机会.但她一直抱怨你冷落她?!我会改变的.喔,对, 因为你很善变.你知道,他小便时恩恩声!我知道.这使他射过界, 但也无所谓.我们很对不起. 没关系,我们-我们不需要你们.实际上,我已经克服了.对, 这些小事我不在乎.好吧, 我们走. 对不起,菲比,你说的对. 她用性做武器!我的背还有点疼.他做其他的事也恩恩声.没有他们可真好.如果他们再分手, 你也不能让他加入悲伤男人俱乐部!离婚男人俱乐部.挑三捡四. 嗨,你们看! 我妈妈把报纸寄来了!喔,拿来看看.好的. 拍的不错嘛.你们两个很配嘛. 对,我们很配.对,我们还可以!好的.设想一下我们孩子的样子!我们不需要设想.是我要娶她.等着瞧吧.
705 The One With The Engagement Picture
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Phoebe are going through a bunch of pictures as Chandler enters.]
Monica: What’s the matter?
Chandler: Someone on the subway licked my neck! Licked my neck!!
Phoebe: Oh Willie’s still alive!
Chandler: What are you guys doing?
Monica: Oh, my mom called, they’re gonna run our engagement announcement in the local paper, so we’re looking for a good picture of us.
Chandler: Oooh, I’m afraid that does not exist.
Monica: That’s not true, there are great pictures of us!
Chandler: No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy who’s going like this… (Makes what can only be described as a toothy frown. Henceforth, this shall be known as The Face.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! That’s the creep that you’re with at the Statue of Liberty.
Chandler: I don’t know what it is, I just can’t take a good picture.
Monica: (looking at one) Oh, here’s a great one.
Chandler: Yeah, I’m not in that.
Monica: I know, but look at me all tan.
Phoebe: Hey, why don’t you guys go, get portraits done by a professional photographer.
Monica: That’s a good idea! I bet they have one of those wind machines! Y’know… (Does the whole hair blowing in the wind model type poses.)
Phoebe: Yeah that’s great! Next to that, Chandler won’t look so stupid.
Monica: Chandler what do you say?
Chandler: All right, but I should warn you, I’m not going. I’m going. (Does The Face while saying that last part.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is siting on the couch as Ross and Chandler enter after playing basketball.]
Ross: (To Chandler) Dude, that reverse lay-up! Oh…
Chandler: How about those three pointers?
Chandler: And those guys were this (Doing the standard "This Close" gesture) close to lettin’ us play this time too.
(They both get dejected and go sit down.)
Rachel: Hey look-look, Phoebe’s talking to uh, Cute Coffeehouse Guy.
Ross: Oh, you guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy, we call him Hums While He Pees.
Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross Lingers In The Bathroom.
Phoebe: (returning) Hey you guys, Hums While He Pees just asked me out!
Rachel: Hey, I thought that guy was married.
Phoebe: He is! But he’s getting divorced—Ross! Maybe you know him.
Ross: It’s not a club.
Rachel: Phoebe, if this guy’s going through a divorce, is it such a good idea to start going out with him?
Ross: Hey, divorced men are not bad men!
Chandler: They have that on the napkins at the club.
Rachel: Oh, I gotta get back to work.
Phoebe: You don’t have to be back for a half-hour!
Rachel: Yeah but, my assistant Tag does sit-ups in the office during lunch. Ohh! I could just spread him on a cracker.
Chandler: Rach, if you have a crush on this guy, why would you hire him? I mean y’know you can’t date him right?
Rachel: Oh no, I know that. I know that. Although, we made a joke that we spend so much time together he should call me his work wife.
Ross: Soon he’ll be able to call you, that lady he knew who got fired.
Rachel: I am not gonna get fired, because I’m not gonna act on it.
Phoebe: So you wouldn’t mind if he was dating someone else?
Rachel: Why? Is he? He is! Isn’t he? He’s dating that slut in marketing!
Ross: Maybe I should open a divorced men’s club.
Chandler: Dude that is so sad.
Ross: I could put uh-uh a basketball court in the back.
Chandler: Could I play?
[Scene: Rachel’s Outer Office, she’s returning from lunch to see Tag not doing his sit-ups.]
Rachel: Oh, no sit-ups today Tag?
Tag: I just did them.
Rachel: Oh, well drop and give me ten more!
Rachel: Uh, I-I had a drink with lunch. Did those cost reports come in?
Tag: Yeah, I filled them out last night?
Rachel: Oh, great could you make me four copies of those?
(He gets up to make the copies leaving Rachel alone with his stuff. She notices his sweater in his backpack and holds it up to her nose as Melissa, a coworker, walks up.)
Melissa: Hey Rachel!
Rachel: (startled) Ahh, hi! Hi! Melissa, what’s up? I’m just uh, about to umm, go out to the store to get some stuff to put in my backpack. Y’know, like dried fruit and granola and stuff. What’s up? (She has put on the backpack.)
Melissa: Umm, is Tag here?
Rachel: No. Why?
Melissa: Oh, I was gonna talk to him about doing something tonight.
Rachel: Really?! Got a little crush on Tag there do ya?
Melissa: Well, we’ve been flirting back and forth, but I was hoping that tonight it would turn into something a little more than that.
Rachel: Okay, whoa-whoa easy there Melissa! This ain’t a locker room, okay? But, y’know I remember him saying that-that he had plans tonight.
Melissa: Oh no!
Rachel: Oh yeah. All right, back to work.
Melissa: Hey! Isn’t that Tag’s backpack.
Rachel: Yeah Melissa, I don’t want to be known as the uh, office bitch, but I will call your supervisor.
(Melissa beats a hasty retreat.)
[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are trying to take their engagement picture. Monica has a beautiful smile, while Chandler isn’t.]
The Photographer: (taking pictures) Great! That’s great Monica! Great! Now, Chandler, you want to give us a smile?
Chandler: Okay. (Does The Face.)
The Photographer: I’m sorry, is the seat uncomfortable?
Chandler: No, I am.
Monica: Chandler, listen to me sweetie, I know you can do this. Okay? You have a beautiful smile.
Chandler: I do? (He smiles, beautifully.)
Monica: Yeah! (They turn to the camera, and Chandler does The Face again.) All right, maybe you don’t have to smile. Let’s try something else. Let’s try umm, try looking sexy.
Chandler: Okay. (You’ll have to see it, I can’t describe the face he makes, but it isn’t good.)
Monica: Or not.
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Joey is knocking on the door holding a hand over a spot on his shirt.]
Rachel: Hi Joey! What are you doing here?
Joey: Uhh, well I’ve got an audition down the street and I spilled sauce all over the front of my shirt. (Removes his hand to reveal a huge sauce stain.) You got an extra one?
Rachel: Yeah, sure. Umm…here. (Hands him one.)
Joey: Great. (He doesn’t like it.) You got anything that’s not Ralph Lauren?
Rachel: Yeah, I don’t think so Joe.
Joey: All right, I guess this will be fine.
Rachel: Hey, listen umm, what-what are you doing tonight?
Joey: Nothing, why?
Rachel: How would you feel about taking out my assistant Tag? I’ll pay.
Joey: Huh, Rach I got to say it’s gonna take a lot of money for me to go out on a date with a dude.
Rachel: I’m not asking you to go on a date with him!
Joey: Really? ‘Cause I could kinda use the money.
Rachel: Joey, just-just he-he’s new in town and I know he doesn’t have any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. I’ll really appreciate it.
Joey: Yeah, okay.
Joey: Sure, no problem. (Sees something.) Ooh—Hey, donuts!
Joey: Okay. (He grabs a jelly donut, takes a bite, and guess what he spills all over himself. He tries to clean it up and smears it all over the shirt.)
[Scene: A Portrait Studio, Chandler and Monica are still trying to get the picture taken.]
Monica: I know. Let’s try a look…of far off…wonderment. Okay, we’ll-we’ll gaze into our future and we’ll think about our marriage and the days to come. (Chandler is still not getting it.) Chandler! What is the matter with your face?! I mean this picture is supposed to say "Geller and Bing to be married," not "Local woman saves drowning moron!" (The photographer laughs.) Hey! Don’t laugh at him! He’s my drowning moron!
Chandler: Aww! (Smiles.)
Monica: That’s it! Take it! Take it! Take it!
(Chandler turns to the camera and does The Face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Ross are going over the picture proofs.]
Ross: I like this one. (Points to it.) It seems to say, "I love you and that’s why I have to kill you."
Monica: They can’t all be bad. (To Chandler) Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes. Ohh, there it is.
Chandler: Oh my God! Those are my bedroom eyes?! Why did you ever sleep with me?
Monica: Do you really want to pull at that thread?
(Phoebe enters with Hums While He Pees also known as Kyle.)
Phoebe: I’m having a really good time!
Hums While He Pees: Me too! I’m sorry that guy in the subway licked your neck.
Phoebe: Ohh. No that’s okay, he’s a friend.
Hums While He Pees: Hey uh, I don’t mean to be presumptuous but I have these two tickets to the ballroom dancing finals tomorrow night if you want to go?
Phoebe: Yeah, I… Well y’know I-I mean I missed the-the semi-finals, so I’d just be lost.
Hums While He Pees: I know it’s really lame, but I got these tickets from my boss and—Oh no! No! No! My God!
Phoebe: Okay, don’t freak out. I’ll go.
Hums While He Pees: No it’s… Uh, my ex-wife Whitney is out there. I cannot deal with her right now. That woman is crazy!
Phoebe: Okay, I know. Hold on. (She walks over to the couch.) Hey Ross?
Phoebe: Yeah, umm that’s Whitney (Points), Kyle’s ex-wife out there, now do you think that you can y’know divert her so that we can slip out?
Ross: What?! No!
Phoebe: Well okay but I have two tickets to the ballroom dance finals. (She holds up the tickets that Kyle gave her.)
Ross: Look, I don’t think so Pheebs. (Pause) All right, I’ll do it. But just because you’re a friend. (Grabs the tickets and heads to divert Whitney.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is dancing around his living room as Phoebe enters, catching and startling him.]
Phoebe: Hi Ginger.
Ross: All right! I want my key back!
Phoebe: I don’t have it!
Ross: It’s right there! (Points to her hand.)
Phoebe: Ugh, okay Sherlock! (Hands over the key.)
Ross: Look, I’m sorry but you-you-you better go Pheebs.
Phoebe: All right, well I just wanted to say thank you though for diverting Kyle’s ex.
Ross: Oh yeah—No—You’re welcome. We’ll talk about it later.
(Ross opens the door to reveal Whitney standing there.)
Ross: Hi Whitney.
Whitney: Hi Ross! You ready for breakfast?
Ross: Yep. (Phoebe slams the door shut.) Okay.
Phoebe: (To Ross) Kyle’s ex-wife? You were supposed to divert her not date her!
Ross: (opens the door and to Whitney) Hi! I’m sorry, but can you give me a second while I talk to this woman, who by the way did not spend the night.
Ross: Okay. (Closes the door.) (To Phoebe) I did divert her and we ended up having a great time! Okay?
Phoebe: Watching ballroom dancing?
Ross: Yes! That’s where we realized we were both super cool people!
Phoebe: Well look-look, okay Ross, Kyle just told me some really bad stuff about her.
Ross: Like what?
Phoebe: Like she’s really mean, and she’s over critical, and-and—No! She will paint a room a really bright color without even checking with you!
Phoebe: And! She uses sex as a weapon!
Ross: Fine! Thank you for warning me. At breakfast I’ll be on full alert for room painting and sex weapons.
Phoebe: You’re still gonna go out with her?!
Phoebe: Well, didn’t you just hear what I said?!
Ross: Pheebs come on! I mean, consider the source! Of course her ex-husband’s gonna say that stuff. Now, if you’ll excuse me…
Phoebe: (interrupting him) No listen to me! She is crazy!
Whitney: (outside the door) Uh, your door isn’t sound proof.
Phoebe: You see? Nothing is good enough for her!
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Tag is arriving as Rachel is standing there.]
Tag: Good morning.
Rachel: Hi Tag! Hey, so did you have fun with uh, with Joey last night?
Tag: Oh yeah! We went to the Knicks game.
Rachel: Ohh that’s nice.
Tag: Then we went to this bar and he hooked us up with all these women!
Rachel: Wo-women? You mean like old women?
Tag: Well kinda old, like 30.
Rachel: (Pause) Oh.
Tag: And I never used to be able to just talk to girls in bars, but I got like 20 phone numbers last night.
Rachel: That’s great! Wow man, so Joey must’ve really taught you some stuff huh?
Tag: A little.
(A beautiful women walks up.)
Tag: (To her, in the Joey voice) How you doin’?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is teaching Chandler how to smile. Chandler is smiling.]
Joey: See? That’s a great smile! Easy. Natural. Now, pretend I have a camera. (Chandler immediately does The Face.) You’re changing it!
Chandler: I can’t help it!
Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, you wanna know what I do when I take resume shots?
Chandler: Borrow money from me?
Joey: Okay, first—first of all, you want to make it look spontaneous. I look down (Looks down), look down, keep looking down; then I look up. (Looks up and smiles.) See? All right, now you try. Look down (Chandler looks down), you’re looking down, keep looking down…
Chandler: Why is there jelly on your shoe?
Joey: I had a donut. (Chandler nods.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Rachel: So uh, heard you had some fun with Tag last night.
Joey: Yeah! That guy’s all right!
Rachel: Yeah and you had fun teaching him how to be all Joey.
Rachel: Y’know, all the women.
Joey: Hey well, you can’t teach someone to be good with women. Y’know, that’s why I never had any luck with Chandler.
Chandler: (Pause) I’m right here!
Rachel: All right, would-would you mind just not going out with him again? Okay, just the idea of you and he and all these women, it’s just—And I know he’s my assistant and I can’t date him—but it just bothers me, all right?!
Joey: Hey! No-no-no-no, you can’t take him away from me! I got a great partner to pick up girls with! Finally!!
Chandler: I’m still right here!
Rachel: All right, will you, will you at least tell him how hollow and unsatisfying this, dating tons of women thing is!
Joey: (shocked) What?!
Rachel: I just don’t want him to meet anybody until I am over my crush—And I will get over it. It’s-it’s not like I love him, it’s just physical! But—I mean I get crushes like this all the time! I mean hell, I had a crush on you when I first met ya!
Joey: I know, Monica told me.
Chandler: Did you have a crush on me, when you first met me?
Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Joey nods his head questioningly and Rachel nods no.)
Chandler: Can you people not see me?! (He waves his arms around to get their attention.)
Rachel: (To Joey) So, will you talk to him?
Joey: I don’t know Rach.
Rachel: Oh, come on! I’ll give you ten free Ralph Lauren shirts.
Joey: One! (Pause.) No ten! You said ten! You can’t take that back!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there as Tag enters carrying a bag.]
Tag: Hey Joey, you wanted to talk to me?
Joey: I don’t know. You uh, you got something for me?
Tag: Oh, yeah, this is from Rachel.
(He hands Joey the bag and he quickly counts its contents.)
Joey: Ten. Okay. Now Tag there’s such a thing as to many women.
Joey: Yeah, for you!
[Scene: The Portrait Studio, Monica is waiting for Chandler to make another attempt at taking a good picture.]
Monica: (seeing him approach) Hey! There you are!
Chandler: There I am!
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yeah, Joey said I uh, I needed to relax so he gave me an antihistamine.
Chandler: Yeah, and then I fell asleep on the subway and went all the way to Brooklyn. Brooklyn is f-far!!
Monica: Chandler, what were you thinking?
Chandler: I don’t know, but don’t worry, don’t worry, because I know how to take a picture now. (They get ready) Okay, see? Look down (Looks down), look down, look down… (He falls asleep.)
Chandler: (awakens) Yeah! (Looks up and does The Face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there.]
Phoebe: So, how are things going with crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet?
Ross: Listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okay—and F.Y.I she must’ve shown Kyle over 30 paint samples before she painted that room! And his response to each one was, "I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass."
Phoebe: Yeah well, maybe she should’ve spent a little less time decorating and a little more time in the bedroom.
Ross: Well, I don’t think we are gonna have that problem, but maybe that’s just because I am not emotionally unavailable!
Phoebe: You think he’s emotionally unavailable?
Ross: I think he can be.
Phoebe: Well, maybe he wouldn’t be she didn’t bring the office home every night!
Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life!
Phoebe: Yeah well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Year’s Eve 1997.
Ross: (angrily) I knew you were gonna throw that in my face!! That was three years ago! She apologized and she apologized! What more do you want?!!
Phoebe: (gets up and starts to leave) We want the last six years back!!
Ross: So do we!! So do we!! (Ross notices a couple has been staring at them.) I’m sorry you had to see that.
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Tag is entering.]
Tag: Good morning Rachel.
Rachel: Hi! (He hands her, her mail) Thanks, hey so uh what’d you do last night?
Tag: Went out with Joey.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Another night of birdogging the chickas?
Tag: No. We had a really good talk. I don’t think I’m gonna do that bar scene anymore.
Rachel: Wow! I did not see that coming.
Tag: It’s just not really who I am. Y'know, I’ve always been happier when…Why am I telling you this? You don’t care about this stuff.
Rachel: Oh no, yes I do! I do! I mean, come on go on, you were, you were saying I am happier when uh, y’know?
Tag: When I’m in a relationship, I love having a girlfriend.
Tag: Someone I can spoil, y’know?
Tag: Uh-huh! Let me ask you something?
Tag: Do you believe that there is one perfect person for everyone?
Rachel: Well, I-I’m startin’ too.
Tag: And if that person is already in your life, you should do something about it right?
Rachel: Yes! Hell yes!
Tag: All right then, it’s settled.
Tag: I’m gettin’ back together with my ex-girlfriend.
Rachel: I’d love to!
Rachel: (panics, turns around, picks up the phone, and pretend to talk on it) Hello?! (Listens) Oh, yeah! (To Tag) This is gonna be a while. Excuse me. (Tag leaves and she closes the door behind him, disgustedly.) Yeah!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Phoebe are there again, only now they’re not talking to each other. Phoebe is loudly stirring her coffee.]
Ross: My God!
Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. Is that annoying? And speaking about being selfish in bed, how’s Whitney?
Ross: Well maybe she wouldn’t have to be selfish in bed if someone else knew where everything was!
Phoebe: Oh he knows! (Quietly) For the most part.
(Kyle and Whitney enter.)
Kyle: Oh hey! Good, you’re both here.
Whitney: We kinda need to talk.
Phoebe: Both of you together?
Ross: Wh-what’s up?
Whitney: Well, I went over to Kyle’s last night to pick up a few things and we got to reminiscing…
Kyle: …we talked through most of the night and we realized that the reason we were so angry at each other was because there are still feelings there. So… (Pause)
Ross: Oh just say it Kyle!
Kyle: We’re gonna give it another try.
Phoebe: What about her whining and her constant need for attention?!
Whitney: I’m gonna work on that.
Phoebe: Oh right, because you’re so capable of change.
Ross: (To Whitney) Y’know, he hums when he pees!
Whitney: I do know.
Ross: It makes him miss the bowl, but whatever.
Whitney: We’re so sorry. (They get up to leave.)
Ross: That’s all right, we-we don’t need you. In fact, hey I’m over it already.
Phoebe: Yeah, and y’know what? I don’t give a tiny rat’s ass.
Kyle: Yeah, we’re gonna go. (They leave.)
Ross: (To Phoebe) I’m sorry. Ugh, Pheebs, you were, you were right about her. Y’know, she did try to use sex as a weapon! Yeah, I hurt my back a little.
Phoebe: Oh. Y’know, he hums while he does other stuff to.
Ross: Yeah, were better off without them.
Phoebe: And y’know, even if they break up again, you’d better not let him in your sad men’s club!
Ross: Divorced men’s club.
Phoebe: Potato, Potaato. (She’s pronounces potato with the both the short and long As.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there as Monica enters with the local paper that has the engagement picture in it.]
Monica: Hey guys check it out! My mom sent me the paper!
Phoebe: Ooh, let’s see it!
Monica: Okay. (She opens it up and shows it to them.)
Chandler: Oh yeah, that looks good.
Phoebe: You guys make a very attractive couple. (The camera cuts to a shot of the picture and we see that Monica is posing with Joey instead of Chandler.)
Joey: Yeah, we look great together.
Monica: Yeah, we really do!
Monica: Wow! Imagine what our kids would look like!
Joey: Y’know, we don’t have to imagine.
Chandler: I’m marrying her.
Joey: We’ll just see.