今天叫你们两个出来吃早午餐因为我考虑了一下选谁做我的伴娘.噢, 天啊! 终于等到了! 我真的希望会是你!我希望是你.我也这么想!首先, 嗯, 你们两个我都很爱, 你们两个对我来说都很重要…好了, 别罗嗦了!! 到底选谁?嗯, 也许我们可以定一个规则, 互换做对方的伴娘.比方说假设菲比是我的…成了!!!噢!是假设的!那也是我.如果菲比是我的伴娘…哼.瑞秋会是菲比的, 我会是瑞秋的, 那样我们每人都有机会做一次, 也不会有人不高兴了.对, 那确实是个好主意.好, 就那样. 那谁会做你的?那是最精彩的部分. 嗯, 你们来决定吧!为什么那是最精彩的部分?因为那样就不用我来决定!我们当然会帮你决定! 我们会尽我们所能帮你!现在, 我要来一段祝酒辞, 为未来的钱德宾太太, 我的好友,世上最好的人 …我真的不想下决定!好吧!打扰了, 我不小心旁听到, 你要嫁给钱德宾?没错正是.哼, 祝你好运!喔, 也祝你好运! 多好的人!《虎胆龙威》 还是那么棒!就是. 咱们再来部片子怎么样? 你还租了什么?《虎胆龙威2》.乔伊, 这还是《虎胆龙威1》.噢, 那再看一遍不就是《虎胆龙威2》了?乔伊, 我们才看过!那又怎样?那再看一遍也很酷! 虎胆龙威!!!!!!家伙, 你没说虎胆龙威. 你没事吧?没事, 我只是,另有计划.喔, 约翰麦克连(虎主角名)有计划!不, 是这样, 我想在乔伊开始激动管谁都叫婊子之前离开.你在瞎说什么? 婊子.嘿瑞秋?干嘛?当我结婚时你愿意当我的伴娘吗?真的?!嗯.噢, 天啊菲比! 我真是…等等我要是你的伴娘, 意味着你是莫妮卡的.噢! 好啊, 如果你想那样的话…噢~~少来了 菲比! 我要当莫妮卡的!可这有什么关系的呢?!那这对你来说有什么关系呢?!因为这一个可是现在的!再说是我们的两个好朋友! 谁知道你会嫁给谁呢!那如果我嫁给了罗斯? 或乔伊呢?你才不会!好吧瑞秋, 我知道你真的很想做,可我从没当过任何人的伴娘! 我知道你至少当过两次了.那倒是, 可是菲比…还有, 噢拜托, 请让我说完.噢, 我好像说完了.好吧好吧. 既然你从没当过你来做莫妮卡的伴娘.噢, 太谢谢你了!我会嫁个好人. 知道吗?噢我知道.比钱德要好.怎么回事?!!我不知道!!我们睡着了! 仅此而已.对. 没错. 好的, 嗯, 我还是走吧.我想那最好不过.好的, 我晚点再和你聊吧.好. 但不能说这个!不说! 永远不说! 绝不! 再见.避免接触! 避免接触!嘿, 今天在吃早午餐时发生了件奇怪的事.有个女人旁听到我要嫁给你 然后她…祝我好运.那真有心!那个女人长什么样子?她30左右, 黑发, 挺迷人的.喔, 有没有可能是你盯着块儿亮的, 能反光的东西, 叫做镜子?拜托, 是不是你大学时约会过的?不可能, 大学时我只和两个女孩约会过, 都是金发,都不迷人…等等, 让我查一下.你在干什么?喔, 来找找…没错, 是她吗?噢天啊, 是她! 她是谁?朱莉格拉芙, 我夏令营时的女友.你和她分手了吗?没有, 我们仍在一起.约会过两个暑假, 我就和她分手了.为什么?嗯, 因为她第三个暑假时变得非常肥-诶-喔~肥?!我没说肥! 我说, "肥-诶-喔~"你和那女孩分手就因为她肥?!是啊. 是啊, 但那是很久很久以前的事了! 她还觉得难受吗?很显然是的. 你知道人们怎么说吗, 大象永远忘不了.说真的, 嫁给我好运.嘿! 干什么呢?菲比将成为莫妮卡的伴娘!嘿! 我希望这次能比你上次给楼下那女孩当伴娘要做得好些, 记得吗?你当过伴娘?!!看见了吧? 这正是为什么你不该骗人!好了就这样了! 我是伴娘!才不, 我是!为什么是你?!我说谎是因为太在乎!嘿-嘿-嘿-嘿, 我能帮你们决定谁来当!对, 我们该搞个, 搞个试演, 看你们怎样处理伴娘面对的局面. 你在说什么呢?就像我想要演一个角色, 我会去试演, 如果我是他们面试的人里最好的, 他们就会给我那个角色.那试演完, 谁来决定谁当伴娘?噢, 我和罗斯可以当评委.那总好过我们自己决定.噢, 拜托! 这多疯狂!不能抛硬币决定吗?!不干! 硬币讨厌我! 好好好, 就这样吧, 让罗斯和乔伊决定.嗨~~~罗斯! 亲爱的.嘿, 你这大帅哥.哇, 这古龙水的香味和Georgio香水一样诱人嗨.只是, 把录像带还给你.嘿罗斯, 我想咱们该谈谈之前的事.不! 不, 我们没什么好说的!就要说! 听着, 那是我这辈子睡过的最棒的小睡!!我…我不知道你在说什么.真是的! 承认吧! 那也是你最棒的小睡!我睡过更好的.是吗! 什么时候?!好吧! 好吧! 那是我最好的小睡!啊哈!我承认了! 行了吗?! 那已经过去了乔伊!我想再睡一次.我们不能再睡一次.为什么不能?因为那样会很怪!算了! 你要喝点什么吗?好啊, 你有什么?温牛奶和安眠药.钱德! 钱德! 我刚想出你是谁了!你能想出我正在干什么吗?你是刘易斯柏森谁?刘易斯柏森! 他是我五年级时的好朋友, 有一天我让他做我的男友他说不.你知道为什么吗?因为你在他想上厕所的时候不停的跟他讲话?!不是! 是因为他觉得我太肥~~每次一想到这儿, 就像五年级时那样难受. 你知道吗, 我真的觉得你应该向朱莉道歉.什么? 开什么玩笑? 那是16年前的事了.我明白. 但你可知道, 如果刘易斯向我道歉我会觉得好过很多.好吧, 我会道歉. 但我得警告你, 这会让我成为一个更好的人, 可并不是你爱上的那个人.好了, 规则是这样的.我们出题假设伴娘所遇到的情景, 并会给你们打分, 从1分到10分.1分是最高分.不对, 10分才是最高分.为什么10分是最高分?就因为它是最高的. 好, 瑞秋, 你先来.一号情景: 你和莫妮卡在一起, 婚礼就快开始, 莫妮卡临阵畏缩. 开始!我不想嫁给钱德!好的, 嗯…我好害怕. …不会有事的!不行啊, 这辈子就只和一个男人过? 我不知道自己做不做得到! 就是说我再也不能和乔伊上床了. 莫妮卡, 怯婚是很普遍的. 是因为预见了将来的一切, 你只要记得你爱钱德.还有, 我逃过一次婚. 新婚礼物你就都得不到了.非常好! 用上你自己的经验, 我喜欢.谢谢!就是, 说的好, 瑞秋.谢谢评委们.噢, 马屁精.噢!好, 菲比…是! 评委大人?我们在婚典上, 莫妮卡正准备说, "我愿意"她的醉叔叔突然大叫. 你怎么做? 开始!当莫妮卡还是个小女孩的时候, 我记得…噢!! 哇! 非常棒!噢!是啊! 出色极了! 10分!等等! 她刚刚在婚礼中大出洋相嘿! 你是不是想尝尝菲比的厉害?!轮到你们发表作为伴娘的演说了.噢, 等一下, 我们还没准…开始!好的! 好的! 嗯,美国英语词典给婚姻下的定义是…好吧!! 当我没说! 太差劲了!! 好吧, 别记了! 重来! 嗯, 嗯, 好…我是在, 在我们六岁的时候认识莫妮卡的, 在钱德25岁的时候和他成了好朋友,虽然他看起来像只有六岁.噢! 说的好.谢谢. 非常感谢. 嗯, 我和他们分别相识,现在看到他们最终结合看着这一对就像见证着真爱的存在所以我要为莫妮卡和钱德而举杯也为他们即将开始的美丽冒险而祝福没人比他们更适合展开这段人生旅程.哇. 精彩的演说.是啊, 确实精彩!哦, 谢谢!好, 菲比, 到你了, 不过我实在不觉得有必要就是. 好的, 我真不敢相信莫妮卡和钱德要结婚了.我记得和瑞秋聊起过这一天, 当时我们在一起洗澡, 没穿衣服.她再次局面占优!朱莉, 嗨! 钱德宾, 我想你记得我.你好啊, 逃兵.是昵称, 我稍后再给你解释.已经非常清楚了.啊, 啊, 我欠你一个迟到已久的道歉.我不应该因为你过重就和你分手.这就是你和我分手的原因?你, 你不知道.哦, 我想我该做的完成了.好的, 首先我想说你们表现的都很好.你们应该为自己感到骄傲.我还想说在这次竞赛中没人失败.哦, 除了瑞秋--该死的!真的?! 我赢了!什么?!很抱歉瑞秋, 比分非常接近了.那么我要求重新算结果!其实, 也不是那么接近.不行! 不行! 你们搞的那些太愚蠢了, 简直是荒谬-我们要抛硬币决定!好吧?!正面!硬币终于原谅我了!哼, 你知道吗? 我希望在你给她办了个全素的, 装神弄鬼的告别单身派对后, 莫妮能原谅你! 瑞秋, 一切都会好的! 你们是最好的!告诉你吧, 做评委可是把我累坏了.是吗?可不! 我在想或许上楼去在我的沙发上小睡一会儿.干, 干嘛要告诉我呢?没原因. 就是说一下…我将要去那儿.经过那件事, 我还爱上了道歉. 我在想要为所有我做过的傻事道歉.你停止做傻事不就行了?那你也不用为之道歉了.我真的喜欢两样都做.好吧, 我…我不得不问.什么?要是我又变胖了你会和我分手吗?什么?!你为这和朱莉格拉芙分手! 她当时重了多少?一百四十五磅.仅一年?! 老天, 她吃了什么? 她全家吗?这不是我要说的.我知道这是个愚蠢的分手原因, 但我当时只有15岁!嗯… 这个问题不仅这次出现.你还记得和我家人一起过感恩节吗?你说过我肥.好吧. 好吧, 等一下, 那是完全不同的.怎么不同?不应该被你听到! 我那是背着你说的.如果我生了孩子呢? 身材会走样.我倒无所谓, 可我不确定你能接受. 你要知道我不觉得你又瘦又漂亮.看, 这就是我可稍后道歉的事情之一!是这样, 我的意思是, 你是莫妮卡!我爱的是莫妮卡.继续说.所以无论你膨胀或缩小, 我仍会爱着你.即使我缩成只有两英寸高?我会把你装在口袋里带着走.我爱你.逃兵对女性还是有一手的.嗨, 菲比.嗨!嗨! 我想向你道歉. 对不起我之前太孩子气了. (对不起我曾经是个小孩)真荒谬啊, 瑞秋, 我们都曾经是小孩呢.噢, 你是指今天.是啊, 你应该赢.我在想, 如果你当莫妮卡的伴娘, 就是说我当你的呢.噢, 对啊!是啊! 嗯,当莫妮卡和钱德订了婚, 我就开始准备一些东西, 以防万一…噢, 想得真周到, 谢谢.这是一本莫妮卡喜欢的诗集. 还有, 噢, 天, 这个有趣, 这是有一年万圣节莫妮卡穿成新娘子样的相片.还有, 她让我托着她的裙摆, 那有点怪, 因为我扮的是神奇女侠.噢, 这是我找到的小钱包.我想也许他们能把戒指放在里面.噢~~还有, 一些手帕, 因为, 人们在婚礼上会哭.我现在就得用上几块儿.这些东西真是太棒了!噢, 我忘了这东西在这里. 嗯, 这是, 吊袜带, 本是留给我自己用的, 但我希望莫妮卡能有一些借来的东西.而且是蓝色的. 没错…知道吗瑞秋, 我想应该由你来当莫妮卡的伴娘.你这样想? 为什么?因为我认为这对你来说更重要.但菲比, 这是你赢来的.没事. 这是你从什么时候就开始考虑的, 14岁吗?不是, 是10岁的时候. 我早熟.我的妈呀!嘿, 干什么呢?嘿!哦, 我们刚刚决定由瑞秋当你的伴娘.噢, 哇! 太好了! 我们真的要开始计划了.我有很多非常详细的想法! 我们应该每周见四次.你可以去我那儿, 要在上班前商量!六点半怎么样, 我那儿? 好兴奋啊!好啊, 你现在笑个够, 到时她可是你的伴娘. 睡得真香.可不是嘛.家伙! 你到底在干什么?! 老天!不好意思.
706 The One With The Nap Partners
[Scene: A Restaurant, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are having brunch.]
Monica: Okay, the reason why I asked you guys out to brunch today is because I have been doing some thinking about who should be my maid of honor.
Rachel: Oh my God! This is it! (She and Phoebe hold hands.) (To Phoebe) I really hope it’s you!
Phoebe: I hope it’s you.
Rachel: Me too!
Monica: First of all um, I love you both so much and you’re both so important to me…
Rachel: Okay, bla-bla-bla-bla!! Who is it?!
Monica: Well umm, I was thinking that maybe we could come up with a system where we trade of being maid of honor for each other. Like hypothetically, if Phoebe were mine…
Phoebe: Yes!!! Oh!!
Monica: If Phoebe were my maid of honor…
Monica: Rachel would be Phoebe’s, I would be Rachel’s, that way we all get to do it once and no one would get upset.
Rachel: Yeah that’s actually a pretty good idea.
Phoebe: Yeah, I’ll do that. So who gets to be yours?
Monica: (laughs) Well that’s the best part. Umm, you guys get to decide!
Phoebe: Wh-why is that the best part?
Monica: Because then I don’t have to!
Rachel: Well of course we will help you decide! We will do anything we can to help you! Now, I would like to make a toast, to the future Mrs. Chandler Bing (A woman at the table behind them overhears Chandler’s name and starts listening closer), my best friend, and truly one of the nicest people that…
Monica: I’m really not deciding!
(The woman gets up and walks over to their table.)
Woman: Excuse me, I-I couldn’t help overhearing, you’re marrying Chandler Bing?
Monica: Yeah that’s right.
Woman: (sarcastically) Huh, good luck!
Phoebe: Aww, and good luck to you too! (To Monica and Rachel) What a nice lady!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are finishing watching Die Hard on video.]
Chandler: Die Hard still great!
Joey: Yep. Hey, what do you say we make it a double feature?
Chandler: What’d you rent?
Joey: Die Hard 2.
Chandler: (looking at the tape) Joey, this is Die Hard 1 again.
Joey: Oh, well we watch it a second time and its Die Hard 2!
Ross: Joey, we just saw it!
Ross: And it’ll be cool to see it again! Yeah!
Joey and Ross: Die Hard!!!!!!
Ross: Dude, you didn’t say Die Hard. Is everything okay?
Chandler: Yeah, I just got uh, got plans.
Ross: Well, John McLane had plans!
Chandler: No, see the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch.
Joey: What are you talking about? Bitch.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is bringing Rachel some coffee.]
Phoebe: Hey Rachel?
Phoebe: Umm, when I get married will you be my maid of honor?
Rachel: Oh my God Phoebe! I mean I’m just—Wait a minute. If I’m your maid of honor that means you are Monica’s.
Phoebe: Oh! Well, if that’s what you want…
Rachel: Ohh! No way Phoebe! I want to be Monica’s!
Phoebe: But why does it even matter?!
Rachel: Why does it matter so much to you?!
Phoebe: Because this one is now! And-and it’s two of our best friends! Who knows what you’re gonna marry!
Rachel: What-what if I marry Ross—Or Joey?
Phoebe: (gasps) You wouldn’t! Okay look, Rachel I know you really want to do this, but I-I’ve never been maid of honor to anyone before! And I know you’ve done it at least twice!
Rachel: Yeah but Phoebe…
Phoebe: And no, oh please, oh please let me finish. (Rachel stops talking.) Oh I guess that was it.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. It’s—since you’ve never done it before you can be Monica’s made of honor.
Phoebe: Oh, thank you so much! (They hug.) Okay.
Rachel: I’m gonna marry someone good y’know.
Phoebe: Oh I know.
Rachel: Better than Chandler. (Phoebe exhales as if to say, "Like what isn’t?")
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Die Hard has ended, only I don’t think Joey and Ross know that yet. As you see, they are both asleep. And they’re on the same couch. Which means they’re sleeping together. Not like Joey is at one end and Ross is on the other, they both happen to be lying down and sleeping together. Well, there hasn’t been any clothes removed so not that kind of sleeping together. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. That is unless you’re a Republican in which that kind of thing will bring about the downfall of Western society, especially if they should happen to want to get married. Anyway, let me recap. No, there is too much, let me sum up. Ross and Joey are taking a nap together on top of each other and both wake-up at the same time, realize what they just did, scream, and jump up.]
Ross: What happened?!!
Joey: Well, I don’t know!!
Ross: We fell asleep! That is all.
Joey: Yeah. Yep. Yeah. All right, well uh, I’d better go.
Ross: I think that would be best.
Joey: Yeah. All right, I’ll talk to you later.
Ross: Okay. But not about this!
Joey: No! Never! Never! (Pause, then Joey wants to shake Ross’s hand.) Bye.
Ross: No touch! No touch!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just gotten back from brunch and is telling Chandler about it.]
Monica: Yeah hey, a weird thing happened today whey I was at brunch. This woman overheard that I was marrying you and-and then she…she wished me good luck.
Chandler: That’s sweet.
Monica: No, it’s more like a (sarcastically) good luck.
Chandler: So uh, what did this woman look like?
Monica: She was like 30, dark hair, attractive.
Chandler: Well, is there any chance you were looking into a bright, shiny thing called a mirror?
Monica: Come on, was it somebody maybe you dated in college?
Chandler: No, no I only dated two girls in college, both blonde, both not attractive… (Thinks a little while.) Hold on one second; let me check this out. (He gets up and grabs a photo album.
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: Well, let’s see… (Finding the picture he wants.) Okay uh, is that her? (Pointing to the picture.)
Monica: Oh my God yes! Who is she?
Chandler: Julie Grath, my camp girlfriend.
Monica: Did you break up with her?
Chandler: (pause) No, we’re still together. Yeah we went out for two summers, and then I broke up with her.
Chandler: Well, ‘cause she came back the third summer and she’d gotten really fa-aa-aw-ow…
Chandler: I did not say fat! I said, "Fa-aa-aw-ow…"
Monica: You broke up with a girl because she was fat?!
Chandler: Yeah. Yeah, but it was a really, really long time ago! Does she still feel bad?
Monica: Well, apparently she does.
Chandler: Well, you know what they say, elephants never forget. (Monica is not amused by that statement.) Seriously, good luck marrying me.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Rachel and Phoebe are already there.]
Joey: Hey! What’s going on?
Rachel: Phoebe is gonna be Monica’s maid of honor!
Joey: Hey! Well I hope it goes better than the last time you did it for that girl downstairs, remember? (Phoebe glares at him.)
Rachel: (shocked) You have been maid of honor before?!!
Phoebe: See? This is exactly why you shouldn’t lie!
Rachel: All right that’s it! I am maid of honor!
Phoebe: Na-uh, I am!
Rachel: How come you are?!
Phoebe: Because I cared enough to lie!
Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, I can help you decide who should do it! Yeah, we could have like uh, like an audition and see how you’d handle maid of honor type situations.
Phoebe: What are you talking about?
Joey: Like when I want a job, I go to an audition and if I’m the best of the people they see, they give me the part.
Phoebe: Okay, so after this audition, who decides who gets it?
Joey: Oh uh, me and Ross can be the judges.
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Well, it’s better than us deciding.
Rachel: Oh, come on! This is crazy! Can’t we just flip a coin?!
Phoebe: No! Coins hate me!
Rachel: Okay. Okay fine, y’know what? We will let Ross and Joey decide. (Ross enters.) (In a sexy voice.) Hiiiii, Ross! Sweetie.
Phoebe: Hey there, you handsome thing. (Rachel and Phoebe exit.)
Ross: Wow, this cologne really is every bit as good as Georgio.
Ross: Just uh, brought back your videos.
Joey: Uh hey look uh Ross, look I think we need to talk about before.
Ross: No! No we don’t!
Joey: Yes we do! Now look, that was the best nap I ever had!!
Ross: I… I don’t know what you are talking about.
Joey: Come on! Admit it! That was the best nap you ever had!
Ross: I’ve had better.
Joey: Okay! When?!
Ross: All right! All right! It was the best nap ever!
Ross: I’ve said it! Okay?! But it’s over Joey!
Joey: I want to do it again.
Ross: We can’t do it again.
Joey: Why not?
Ross: Because it’s weird!
Joey: Fine! Do you want something to drink?
Ross: Sure, what do you got?
Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin P.M. (Ross just leaves.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is approaching the bathroom door behind which Chandler is using the facility.]
Monica: Chandler! (Knocks on the door.) Chandler! I just figured out who you are!
Chandler: Can you figure out what I’m doing?
Monica: You’re Lewis Posin.
Monica: Lewis Posin! He was my best friend in fifth grade, and-and then one day I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said no. Do you know why?
Chandler: Because you kept talking to him while he was trying to go to the bathroom?!
Monica: No! But because he thought I was to faaaaa…. (Chandler emerges, without flushing by the way.) And every time I think about it, it makes me feel as bad as I did in fifth grade! Y’know, I-I really think that you should apologize to Julie.
Chandler: What? Are you kidding? That was like 16 years ago.
Monica: No, I know. But y’know what? It would make me feel better if Lewis apologized to me.
Chandler: Okay, I will do it. But I have to warn you; this may make me a better person and that is not the man you feel in love with!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are laying out the ground rules for the maid of honor auditions to Rachel and Phoebe.]
Joey: Okay, all right, this is how it’s going to work. We’re gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations and you will be scored on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the highest.
Ross: No, 10 is the highest.
Joey: Why is 10 the highest?
Ross: Because it’s the highest. (Joey shrugs his shoulders) Okay, Rachel you’re up first. (Rachel stands up and gets ready.) Situation No. 1: You’re with Monica, the wedding is about to start when Monica gets cold feet. Go! (Joey is playing the part of Monica.)
Joey: (crying) I don’t want to marry Chandler!
Rachel: Okay, uh…
Joey: I’ve got cold feet.
Rachel: …it’s gonna be okay!
Joey: No, one man for the rest of my life? I don’t know if I can do it! This means I’ll never get to sleep with Joey!
Rachel: Look Monica, getting cold feet is very common. Y’know, it’s-it’s just because of all the anticipation and you just have to remember that you love Chandler. And also, I ran out on a wedding. You don’t get to keep the gifts.
Joey: (out of his Monica character) Very good! Drawing on your own experience, I like that!
Ross: Yes, very nice Rachel.
Rachel: Thank you judges.
Phoebe: Ugh, what a kiss ass.
Joey: Okay, Phoebe…
Phoebe: Yes! Your honor?
Joey: We’re now in the ceremony, Monica is about to say, "I do" when her drunk uncle starts yelling. What do you do? Go!
Ross: (playing the drunk uncle) When Monica was a little girl, I remember that—(Phoebe screams and tackles him)—Ooh!! Ow! Very good!
Joey: Yes! Excellent! Perfect score!
Rachel: Wait a minute! She just made a scene in the middle of the ceremony!
Phoebe: Hey! Do you want do you want a little taste of Pheebs?!
Ross: It is time for you to give your maid of honor speech.
Rachel: Ohh, wait a minute, we haven’t pre…
Rachel: Okay! Okay! Umm, Webster’s Dictionary defines marriage as… (Ross and Joey start writing.) Okay!! Forget that! That sucks!! Okay, never mind! Forget it! Umm, umm, okay, uh… I met, I-I met, I met Monica when we were just a couple of six year olds and I became friends with Chandler when he was 25, although he seemed like a six year old.
Ross and Joey: Oh! That’s nice.
Rachel: Thank you. Thank you very much. Umm, I’ve known them separately and I’ve known them together and-and to know them as a couple is to know that you are truly in the presence of love. So I would like to raise my glass (Grabs a glass and holds it up) to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon together. I can think of no two people better prepared for the journey.
Joey: Wow. (To Ross) Good speech.
Ross: Yeah, it really was!
Rachel: Aw, thanks!
Ross: Okay Phoebe, I guess you’re next (To Joey) although I really don’t see the point.
Phoebe: Okay, I can’t believe that Monica and Chandler are getting married. I remember talking about this day with Rachel while we were showering together, naked. (Raises her glass and drinks.)
(Joey and Ross pause while they picture the event.)
Joey: And she’s back in the game.
[Scene: A random apartment building, Chandler and Monica are knocking on the door of the woman from the beginning.]
Chandler: (she opens the door) Julie hi! Chandler Bing, I, I guess you remember me.
Julie: Hello Skidmark.
Chandler: (To Monica) It’s a nickname, I’ll explain later.
Monica: It’s pretty clear.
Chandler: Ah, uh, I owe you a long overdue apology. I never should have broken up with you because you were overweight.
Julie: That’s why you broke up with me?
Chandler: You-you-you didn’t know that. (Pause as she nods no.) Well, I guess my work here is done!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Ross are giving Phoebe and Rachel the results of their election. Somewhat faster than Florida I might add.]
Joey: All right, well first of all I would like to say that you both performed very well. Okay? You should be proud of yourselves. And-and I would also like to say that in this competition there are no losers. Well, except for Rachel—Damnit!
Phoebe: Really?! I won!
Ross: I’m sorry Rach, it was, it was really close.
Rachel: Well then I demand a recount! (Hmm, I wonder where I’ve heard that before.)
Ross: Actually, it wasn’t that close.
Rachel: No! Y’know what? No! No! You thing was so stupid anyway, this was ridiculous—We’re gonna flip a coin! (Phoebe gasps.) All right?! (She flips the coin.) Heads! (Looks at the coin and grunts in disgust.)
Phoebe: The coins have finally forgiven me!
Rachel: Well y’know what? I hope Monica forgives you after you throw her, her vegetarian, voodoo, goddess circley shower! (Runs out.)
Phoebe: (running after her) Rach, it’s gonna be okay! (To Ross and Joey) You guys are the best!
Joey: Boy I tell ya, that judging stuff took a lot out of me.
Joey: Yeah! I was thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch. (Raises his eyebrows, questioning Ross to see if he wants to join him.)
Ross: Why-why would I care about that?
Joey: No reason, I’m just saying that uh… That’s where I’ll be.
(Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause Ross decides to join him.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica have returned from Julie’s.]
Chandler: As bad as that went I actually enjoyed myself. I think that I’m going to apologize for all of the stupid things I do.
Monica: Why don’t you just stop doing stupid things? Then you wouldn’t have to apologize.
Chandler: I would really love it if could do both.
Monica: All right, I…I have to ask.
Monica: Are you gonna break up with me if I get fat again?
Monica: Well, you broke up with Julie Grath! How much weight could she have gained?
Chandler: A hundred and forty-five pounds.
Monica: In one year?! My God what did she eat? Her-her family! That’s not the point.
Chandler: Look I know it was a stupid reason to break up with somebody, but I was 15!
Monica: Well… That’s not the only time this was an issue. You remember when umm, you spent Thanksgiving with us? You called me fat.
Chandler: Okay. Okay, now wait a minute that was totally different.
Chandler: You were not supposed to hear that! I said that behind you back!
Monica: What if I have babies, okay? I mean I’m gonna look different. I’m okay with that, but I’m not sure that you are!
Chandler: Look you have to realize I don’t think of you as a thin, beautiful woman. (Monica glares at him.) See this is one of things that I can apologize for later! Look, what I mean is you’re Monica! Okay? And I am in love with Monica.
Monica: Keep going.
Chandler: So you can balloon up or you can shrink down and I will still love you.
Monica: Even if I shrink down to two inches tall?
Chandler: I’d carry you around in my pocket.
Monica: I love you. (They hug and kiss.)
Chandler: Skidmark’s still got a way with the ladies.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Rachel enters carrying a shopping bag.]
Rachel: Hi Pheebs.
Rachel: Hi! I just want to apologize. I’m really sorry I was a baby.
Phoebe: That’s ridiculous Rachel, we were all babies once. (Rachel looks at her.) Oh, you mean today.
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, and y’know you-you deserve to win. And-and y’know I was thinking about it, if-if you’re Monica’s maid of honor that means I get to be yours.
Phoebe: Oh yeah!
Rachel: Yeah! Oh, umm when-when Monica and Chandler got engaged I started putting some stuff together, y’know just in case…
Phoebe: Oh that’s so sweet thanks.
Rachel: Here is a book of poetry that I know Monica loves. And-and ohh God this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride. (Shows Phoebe the picture.) And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman. Oh and here’s a little purse that I found. (Hands her the purse) Y’know I just thought that maybe they could hold the rings in there.
Rachel: And umm, vintage handkerchiefs y’know ‘cause, people cry at weddings. (Starting to cry.) I’m just gonna grab a couple of these.
Phoebe: This stuff is great!
Rachel: Oh, I forgot this was in here. Umm, this was the uh garter that I was saving for my wedding and I wanted it to be Monica’s something borrowed and it’s blue. (Starts to cry again.) Yeah…
Phoebe: Y’know Rach, I think that, I think you should be Monica’s made of honor.
Rachel: You do? Why?
Phoebe: Because I think it means more to you.
Rachel: But Pheebs, y’know you earned it.
Phoebe: Its fine. I mean, this is something that you’ve been thinking about since you were what, 14? (She’s referring to the Halloween picture.)
Rachel: No, I was ten. I just developed early.
Phoebe: (looking at the picture again) Man alive!
Monica: (entering) Hey, what’s going on?
Phoebe: Well, we just decided that Rachel is gonna be your maid of honor.
Monica: (gasps) Ohh, wow! That’s great! (Rachel and Monica hug.) Oh wow! We really have to start planning! I have, I have a lot of really specific ideas! We should probably get together like four times per week. You can come over to my place; we’ll get together before work! What do you say, 6:30, my place? I’m so excited! (Runs out leaving Rachel completely stunned and Phoebe laughing.)
Rachel: Yeah okay, you laugh now, but she’s gonna be yours. (Phoebe gets suddenly scared.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are napping together again and both wake up at the same time.]
Joey: Great nap.
Ross: It really was.
(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.)
Joey: (reacting first by jumping up) Dude! What the hell are you doing?! God! (Heads for his room leaving Ross.)
Ross: (slowly stands up and says quietly) Excuse me. (Exits.)