早安!嗨! 噢, 昨晚的约会怎么样?挺好的.噢, 那就好.啊! 天啊, 对不起!好吧, 非常好. 我得走了. 要迟到了.什么, 什么?! 你就把这人扔这儿给我?!是啊, 嘿, 别担心, 她是个很棒的女孩.还有, 能帮我个忙吗? 她出来后告诉她, 我还不想找女友.为什么?! 什么?! 你在开玩笑吗?!就随便跟她一提, 让她有心理准备. 就说我是独行者! 不愿被束缚! 告诉她别和我这样的人在一起. 我记不住, 就告诉她你是只猪, 行吗?嘿, 我稍后会打电话给她! 真的! 拜托, 钱德以前就这样帮我! 他还给女孩做薄饼呢! 他总做很多还剩一些给我.别指望了, 我什么都不会告诉那女孩. 又不是我的职责.好吧! 那你会把那些薄饼放哪儿?嗨!嗨.刚刚很抱歉, 可我不知怎么锁那门.乔伊在我搬进来后把它弄坏了.你一定是瑞秋, 我是爱尔琳.嗨.嗨. 可能这样问有点像中学生, 但他有说过我什么吗?你想来点儿薄饼吗?别卖关子了, 我们来这里干什么?!你猜.有惹火的女孩?是这样, 我往图书馆电脑里输名字, 你知道的, 只是觉得好玩,我输了自己的, 你猜找到什么?我的博士论文! 就在这里! 在大学最大的图书馆里!哇, 真酷!还有本书，女作者名叫Wendy Bagina.(Bagina, 有女人私处的意思)什么声音?像是两个很享受杜威十进分类法的人. (杜威: 图书管理专家, 发明图书分类法)-我很抱歉! -对不起!你该不是带我来做这个的吧?她又把鸡肉退回来了?!她说太干了, 她想进来给你解释她想吃什么样的.那好吧! 我倒想见见这位吃鸡专家! 把这大人物带进来!噢~我的~天啊!!!!幸运的家伙! 珍妮斯.在大餐厅做靓鸡肉的大厨过得怎么样？我很好.噢!! 你手指上的是什么?! 我给刺瞎了!噢…嗯…谁是那个幸运的家伙?噢~我的~天啊! 宝贝对不起, 你还好吗? 你没告诉她我们要结婚吧?她看到了戒指.她大吃一惊?哦, 刚开始她有些震惊；不过大伙得知咱们的婚讯时都感觉震惊噢.她有了个男友叫克拉克, 她还邀请自己参加我们的婚礼, 克拉克也来.你说了不行, 对吧?啊?你说不行, 是吗?!我是被逼的! 她问我婚礼是不是在城里举行! 那你说我该怎么办?骗她!!! 那有多难?! 支票在邮件里! 噢, 你的宝宝真可爱! 我真期待你的大作, 罗斯!!让她来我们的婚礼有那么糟吗?你以为她会安静的坐在那儿吗?你不觉得她会说祝酒辞吗?你不觉得她会抓起麦克风唱"兼职爱人"?!老天, 她一样不会喜欢当晚的鸡肉, 是吗?知道吗? 没事的. 她也许根本不会来.真的?不! 那是骗你的! 多简单!那要是你就骗会她?对!!真的就那么简单吗?当然!!!那就好, 周六晚就那样做啊, 我们要跟她和克拉克吃饭.嘿! 好啊!嘿!嘿, 你这朋友是谁啊?嘿!!嘿, 乔伊!爱尔琳! 还在这儿!我们一起过了愉快的一天.可不是吗? 爱尔琳这么棒! 你们也很不错.噢, 我要走了, 今天真棒, 谢谢!-是啊! -就是!再见乔伊. 昨晚真开心.是啊, 我会, 我会打电话给你的.噢, 我也会打电话给你!或者我打给你!打给我啊!好吧, 很高兴再见到你.-再见. -再见了. -再见!哼, 不是说好的吗?!噢乔伊, 那些话我说不出口. 和她聊过天后, 我想…我们想你娶她!什么?!!她真了不起! 你都不知道.不知道? 那你以为是谁带她来的?丘比特.乔伊, 她真酷. 会说四种语言.哼, 你还真知道男人想要什么!乔伊, 她最适合你了! 又可爱, 又喜欢棒球, 还在午餐时喝了两瓶啤酒.我的啤酒?!她是个不错的女孩. 我们在一起很开心, 但我看不到有未来.你总是那么说.也许你给这女孩一次机会就会有未来.对不起了, 我可不这么想.-随便吧. -好吧. 嘿, 别老说我了!哼? 你爱上自己的助手!哼? 还有你, 你和在楼顶养鸽子的人有一腿!菲比!那是秘密!那些人就在我的书前面做!什么?我的博士论文在学校图书馆里,我去看看, 有学生就在古生物区造孩子.噢老天! 你看到什么精彩的吗?我问你, 你们学校有没有个学生喜欢去做那事的地方?有啊. 在图书馆的角落里, 那里堆着从没有人看的铺满了灰尘的书. 没错, 就在那儿.不停的有人出现, 我想这就是那地方.等等, 五楼靠后墙那儿?噢, 连你都去过!好吧, 我们该去看电影了.急什么?我想看预告片. 有糖果吃.噢嘿!看谁来了!-嘿! -嘿!-乔伊. -爱尔琳.嘿瑞秋.嗨! 我们正准备去看电影. 噢不行了!怎么了?噢菲比, 我们忘了要去一个派对.噢, 忘了.什么派对?生日派对.谁的生日派对?爱莉森的生日派对.噢, 爱莉森多少岁了?32. 等一下! 不如你们两个一起去玩儿?!对, 看看我们能做点什么. (看你们这把戏也能成功?)打扰了. 嗨, 我是这儿的教授. 你知道古生物区, 五楼, 437书架吗?哦知道! 给我五分钟, 我要找人替一下班.不!不!!不! 我能跟负责人说话吗!我能帮你什么吗?嗨, 能不能在古生物区加强保安?我写了本书在那儿, 那些人不读, 反而在那儿滚来滚去的.我们已经意识到这个问题. 可我们人手不足. 帮不了你.好吧, 算了! 就我欣赏这些神圣的文字, 我自己去保护好了!你别跟着我!-嘿. -嘿!和爱尔琳过的怎么样?噢, 真难以置信! 太开心了!真好!! 就是说你不生我们的气了?当然不啦! 你们完全正确! 这次比第一次和她出去好多了. 那次我们不熟悉, 又很紧张.你不是和她睡了吗?是啊, 那确实让我放松了不少.我们有好多共同之处! 她喜欢三明治, 体育, 虽然她是大都会队球迷(棒球队),现在无所谓, 但如果我们有了孩子…噢天啊! 听你说到生孩子. 噢乔伊, 请不要比我先结婚.好的.噢. 想不到克拉克竟然放我鸽子!他还是有可能出现的.你是傻瓜吗? 已经过了三个小时了.不止吧?我还是想想高兴的事. 给我讲讲你们可爱的婚礼吧.其实我们正要告诉你有关婚礼的事.只会举行一个小仪式, 很小的! 我们都不知道为什么要办.只有家人参加.噢…等等…你们把我当成家人?!噢, 我有个问题, 要老实回答,你们想我唱"无心快语"还是"红衣女郎"?你怎么能这么说?! 大都会队还差的远呢!那Benitez(大都会队主力)打的好吧?第一场他打的好吗?闭嘴好不好?你闭嘴! 我喜欢和她拌嘴. 我一会儿就来.好. 觉得和乔伊在一起怎么样?嗯, 还好.只是还好? 告诉我你喜欢他. 他是个不错的男人, 我知道你们很想我们能成, 我只是看不到有未来.可你说过喜欢他! 怎么回事? 你改变主意了吗?!算是吧.那就改回去!对不起, 我们之间没有真正的火花.没火花? 你不是和他睡过了吗?是啊.啊, 淫荡!乔伊知道吗?我想他不知道. 这样吧,你们可以跟他说. 告诉他我不想找男友.你是说你是个独行者.对! 就这么说!也许你还是个STRONZO.什么?噢, 我想意大利语不是你会说的四种之一.嘿! 走了吗?好, 咱们走吧.好. 待会儿见.-再见. -好, 再见.嘿, 太谢谢你们了.我想不是丘比特带她来的.不是, 只是个普通的会飞的老侏儒.能帮你们什么吗?我们…我们只是随便看看.噢, 噢. 你们只是同学. 你们究竟在找什么呢?也许, 也许是找切斯特斯达克博士有关冰川时期的冥想?啊…啊…啊…快滚开!在等人吗? 还是来这儿复习马里恩对进化论的看法?其实我觉得马里恩的见解太前卫了.我觉得马里恩的见解太前卫了.对不起, 你是谁?我是这里的教授. 罗斯盖勒.罗斯盖勒, 我怎么知道那名字? 等等!这是你写的吗?是啊! 你看过我的书?!你和我想象的不一样. 你好年轻.这个, 嗯, 我跳过级.非常…非常抱歉.-嘿! -嘿! -嗨!你的约会怎么样?噢, 真棒! 我们在周围散步. 去雪糕店分享了杯奶昔, 我们三七开, 但也其乐融融… 下次我要带她去住郊外的小旅馆享受床铺加早餐式的舒适服务真的? 她说愿意和你去?不, 没有! 是个惊喜, 但有些棘手, 她说将要忙一段时间.噢, 是这样.乔伊, 亲爱的, 我们得谈一下.今天从她那感觉到, 她不想找固定男友.你从哪儿感觉到的?她告诉我的. 她说她算是个独行者.噢. 噢.乔伊…嘿瑞秋, 没事的, 我也是个独行者, 对吧?乔伊, 知道吗? 她配不上你.我保证下次就只是说再见, 告诉她们你不要固定女友.不! 不要那样, 只要下次确定她真的喜欢我.那当然. 乔伊?啊?想来点儿薄饼吗?这才像话!我们该怎么办?我说咱们选她唱"无心快语".钱德?她看到我们了吗? 看到了吗?珍妮斯, 你, 你来干嘛?我本想回家, 但我今晚不想一个人.不知能不能来这儿和你们在一起, 我真的很想和家人在一起.我们的孩子得叫她珍妮斯婶婶, 是不?求你们了, 不然真不知自己会做出什么傻事.你难道没有一点点好奇，想知道这傻事究竟是什么吗？有纸巾吗?有, 在, 在浴室里.好的! 我们只能…只能让她留下了.不行, 一让她留下, 她就永远不走了!有点像你的躺椅.你现在就在想这个?我从没停过想这个.我洗澡之前你们还要用浴室吗?珍妮斯, 对不起, 你不能在这儿过夜.为什么不能?说实话, 我们家是电磁活跃的温床.莫妮卡和我现在已经有免疫力, 你没有好, 我得要条羊毛围巾, 你们有没有防过敏那种, 不然我会发出鼻音,你们养猫了? 已经开始了, 听见吗?噢天啊! 噢天啊! 你得走!为什么?因为钱德对你仍有感觉!是吗?再说一遍?没错. 没错. 这就是为什么你不能在这儿过夜.也是为什么你不该来我们的婚礼.这种感觉, 非常强烈的感觉.他对你的感觉也许不会完全消失, 但你可以.噢…我的天啊, 我明白了. 很抱歉, 我这就走.再见莫妮卡, 祝你和他永远幸福.钱德, 你们两个弄砸了就打电话给我.放心, 我已经检查过这一区. 我拿这小宝贝来照人们的眼睛, 迟点见.我只是带莫妮卡来看你的书.
707 The One With Ross’s Book
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is eating breakfast as Rachel enters having just woken up.]
Rachel: Hi! Oh, how was your date last night?
Joey: Pretty good.
Rachel: Oh good. (She walks to the closed bathroom door, opens it, and finds a naked woman wrapped in a towel.) Ahhh! My God, sorry! (She closes the door and confronts Joey.)
Joey: Okay, really good. Anyway I gotta go; I’m late for work.
Rachel: What-what?! You’re gonna leave this person with me?!
Joey: Yeah—Hey, don’t worry, she’s a terrific girl. And hey listen, could you do me a favor? When she comes out could you just mention that I’m not looking for a serious relationship; that’d be great.
Rachel: Why?! What?! Are you kidding?!
Joey: Just casually slip it in, y’know lay the groundwork. Tell her uh, I’m a loner—No! An outlaw! Tell her she doesn’t want to get mixed up with the likes of me.
Rachel: Y’know what? That’s a lot to remember, can’t I just tell her you’re a pig?
Joey: Hey, I’m gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! He’d even make the girl pancakes! Plus, he’d make extras and leave ‘em for me.
Rachel: Well forget it, I’m not telling that girl anything. That is not my responsibility.
Joey: Fine! (Pause) Now, where’d we land on those pancakes? (She chases him out the door as his date emerges from the bathroom.)
Joey’s Date: Hi!
Joey’s Date: Sorry about that, but I couldn’t get that lock to work on the door.
Rachel: Yeah, Joey kinda disabled it when I moved in.
Joey’s Date: You must be Rachel, I’m Erin.
Erin: Hi. I don’t mean this to sound like high school, but did he say anything about me?
Rachel: (pause) Would you like some pancakes?
[Scene: N.Y.U’s University Library, Ross is entering with Chandler.]
Chandler: …Come on! Why are we here?!
Ross: Okay, okay take a guess.
(An old woman pushes a cart full of books past.)
Chandler: The hot chicks?
Ross: Okay, okay, I was typing names into the library computer earlier, y’know-y’know for fun, and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My doctoral dissertation! It’s here! Yeah, it’s right-it’s right down here! In the biggest library in the university! (They start heading that way, towards a secluded section behind the racks.)
Chandler: Wow that’s actually pretty cool.
Ross: (stopping quickly) Oh umm, there’s also a book here by a woman named Wendy Bagina. (They both laugh, but stop when the hear moaning coming from the next aisle.) What is that?
Chandler: Sounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey decimal system.
(They go around the last row of bookshelves and find a couple doing what college coeds do in secluded corners of university libraries. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, let’s just say that clothing is undone. Ross gasps and the couple gets up and runs away.)
Female Student: (as they are moving past Ross) I’m so sorry!
Male Student: Sorry!
Chandler: You didn’t bring me here to do that, did you?
[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant Kitchen, Monica is cooking as a waitress enters carrying a plate of food that has been sent back.]
Monica: She sent the chicken back again?!
The Waitress: She says it’s to dry now and she wants to come back here and explain to you exactly how she wants it.
Monica: Well fine! I want to meet this chicken expert! Send the Colonel in!
(The waitress lets her in as Monica is about to throw a lobster into a pot of boiling water (Although, she hasn’t taken off the rubber bands that hold the claws, so she can’t be that good of a chef). Anyway, guess who the Colonel is by the following phrase.)
The Colonel: OH…MY…GAWD!!!! (Yep, it’s Janice.)
Monica: (to the lobster) Lucky bastard! (Throws the lobster in and turns around to face the planet’s most annoying woman, next to Dr. Laura and Kathy Lee Gifford of course. She’s the most annoying female TV character however.) Janice.
Janice: How are you Ms. Hot Shot chef with the big fancy restaurant with the best chicken ever! (Does the laugh.)
Monica: I’m fine.
Janice: (notices Monica’s engagement ring) Ohh! What is that on your finger?! I’m blind!
Monica: Oh… Uh…
Janice: So, who’s the lucky guy?
[Cut to Monica and Chandler’s just after Monica has finished telling Chandler what happened.]
Chandler: OH…MY…GAWD! I am so sorry sweetie, are you okay? You didn’t tell her we were getting married, did you?
Monica: Well, she saw the ring.
Chandler: Did she freak out?
Monica: Well, she was shocked when I told her, but then again so were most people.
Monica: Well, she actually has a boyfriend y’know herself, named Clark. Uh, she also kinda invited herself to our wedding. Clark too.
Chandler: (laughs) You said no right?
Chandler: You said no right?!
Monica: Well, she corned me! She asked if the wedding was in town! I mean, what was I supposed to do?!
Chandler: Lie!!! How hard is that?! The check’s in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I can’t wait to read your book Ross!!
Monica: Come on! So she comes to the wedding! I mean it won’t be so bad.
Chandler: What do you think she’s just gonna sit there quietly? You don’t think she’s gonna want to make a toast? You don’t think she’s gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?!
Monica: Oh my God, she’s not gonna like the chicken that night either is she?!
Chandler: Y’know what? It’s gonna be okay. Y’know what? She’s probably not gonna even want to come.
Chandler: No! That was a lie! See how easy that was?
Monica: So-so you would’ve just lied?
Monica: Would it really have been that easy?
Monica: Good, so do it Saturday night because we’re going to dinner with her and Clark.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is coming back from work to find Phoebe, Rachel, and someone else with her back turned is there.]
Joey: Hey! What’s up?
Phoebe and Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Hey-hey, who’s your friend? (Erin turns around to face Joey, startling him) Hey!!
Erin: Hey Joey!
Joey: Erin! Still here!
Rachel: Yeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time!
Joey: Why wouldn’t ya? Erin is great! Then-then there’s you guys.
Erin: Ohh, listen. I’ve got to get going. Today was great, thanks!
Rachel: I know!
Erin: Bye Joey. (Kisses him.) Last night was fun.
Joey: Yeah. I’ll uh, I’ll call ya.
Rachel: Oh and I’ll call ya too!
Erin: Or I’ll call you!
Phoebe: And call me!
Joey: (to Erin) Okay, good to see you again.
(Joey closes the door behind her.)
Joey: So, system kinda broke down huh?!
Rachel: Oh Joey, I’m sorry I just couldn’t tell her all those things you wanted me to tell her. And y’know we got to talking and I…
Phoebe: We want you to marry her!
Phoebe: She is so amazing! You have no idea.
Joey: No idea? Who do you think brought her here?
Phoebe: Joey, she’s so cool. She speaks four languages.
Joey: Man, do you know what guys want!
Rachel: Look Joey, come on she’s so perfect for you! I mean she’s sweet, she-she likes baseball, and she-she had two beers at lunch.
Joey: My beers?! Look you guys, she’s a very nice girl. Okay? We had a good time, but I just—I don’t see it going anywhere.
Phoebe: Yeah, but you always say that.
Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you gave this girl a chance it would go somewhere.
Joey: Look I’m sorry you guys, I-I just don’t think so.
Rachel: Fine. (They start to walk away.)
Joey: Hey, don’t start judging me! (To Rachel) Huh? You’re the one who’s in love with her assistant! (To Phoebe) Huh? And you, you’re the one having the affair with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof!
Phoebe: Secret affair!
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Joey are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: People are doing it in front of my book!
Rachel: I’m sorry?
Ross: My doctoral dissertation is in the library at school, I went to see it, and there were students makin’ babies right in the middle of the Paleontology section!
Rachel: Oh my God! Did you get to see anything good?
Ross: Let me ask you something, at your school was there a like uh a place on campus where students went to uh, fool around.
Rachel: Yeah, there was. It was—there the corner of the library where-where all these dusty books that nobody ever read—Yes, there was.
Ross: Great! Because people kept showing up, I think it’s like uh-a thing!
Joey: Now hold on a second, fifth floor against that back wall?
Ross: Oh for cryin’ out loud! (He storms out.)
Joey: All right, so we should go catch our movie.
Rachel: Well now what’s the rush?
Joey: I like to see the previews. (Rachel looks at him.) The candy.
Phoebe: (entering with Erin) Oh. Hey!
Rachel: Well look who’s here!
Erin: Hey Rachel.
Rachel: Hi! Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. Oh no!
Erin: What’s wrong?
Rachel: Oh Phoebe, we forgot that party we have to go to.
Phoebe: Oh no.
Joey: (skeptical) What party?
Phoebe and Rachel: A birthday party.
Joey: Who’s birthday party?
Phoebe and Rachel: Allison’s birthday party.
Joey: (still skeptical) Oh, and how is Allison?
Phoebe and Rachel: 32. (Joey’s not buying it.)
Rachel: (does a retching sound) Wait a minute! Why don’t you guys do something?!
Joey: (still skeptical) Yeah, look how that worked out.
[Scene: The Library, Ross enters and heads to the desk to talk to the male librarian on duty.]
Ross: Excuse me. Hi, I’m a professor here. Do you know the Paleontology section, fifth floor, stack 437?
The Librarian: Well, yes! Just give me five minutes, I just have to find someone to cover my shift.
Ross: No! No!! No! Can I speak to someone in charge please?! (The librarian brings his boss over.)
The Head Librarian: How can I help you?
Ross: Hi, I was wondering if it is possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? See I-I wrote a book up there and instead of reading it people are-are-are well, rolling around in front of it.
The Head Librarian: We are aware of the problem you are referring too. (He turns to look at the previous librarian.) But as far as increasing security, I’m afraid the library is very understaffed. I, I can’t help you.
Ross: Well, fine. Fine! If-if I’m the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, I’ll go up there and defend it myself! (Starts to do so, but stops and to the previous librarian) And don’t you follow me!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are doing dishes as Joey enters.]
Rachel: How did it go with Erin?
Joey: Oh, unbelievable! We had the best time!
Phoebe: Yay!! Oh so, you’re not, you’re not mad at us anymore?
Joey: No! No! No! You guys were totally right! This is so much better than the first time we went out. Y’know? That was so awkward, we were really nervous.
Phoebe: Didn’t you sleep together?
Joey: Yeah that really calms me down. And! We have so much in common! She loves sandwiches, sports, although she is a Met fan, not much of an issue now but if were ever to have kids, well that’s a…
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Listen to you talkin’ about having kids. Oh my Joey. (She goes over and hugs him.) Oh, please don’t get married before I do.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are on their date with Janice and Clark, however Clark is a no show and Janice is crying the Mississippi River about it.]
Janice: Oh. Oh I just cannot believe Clark stood me up!
Monica: He might still show up.
Janice: Oh, what are you, stupid? It’s been three hours.
Monica: Is that all?
Janice: I should just go on to happier things, okay? Umm, why don’t you tell about your lovely wedding?
Chandler: Well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, it’s going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! We’re not even sure why we’re having it.
Monica: It’s actually going to be just family.
Janice: Oh…wait…you two think of me as family?! Oh, I have to ask you something now and be honest; do you want me to sing Careless Whisper or Lady In Red?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is entering and arguing baseball with Erin. Phoebe and Rachel are already there.]
Joey: How can you say that?! The Mets have no closer!
Erin: What about Benitez?
Joey: What about Game 1 of the Series?
Erin: What about shut up?
Joey: You shut up! (To Phoebe and Rachel) I love arguing with her. (To Erin) I’ll be right back.
Erin: Okay. (Joey goes to get some coffee and Erin sits down.)
Rachel: So how’s it goin’ with Joey?
Erin: Uh, okay.
Rachel: Okay? Wait okay, tell-tell me that you like him, please? I mean tell me that you like him.
Erin: Look, he’s a really great guy and I know that you really want this to work out, but I just don’t see this having a future.
Rachel: But you said that you liked him! I mean what happened?! Did ya just change your mind?!
Phoebe: Then change it back!
Erin: I’m sorry I… It’s just there’s no real spark.
Phoebe: No spark? Didn’t you sleep together?
Rachel: Ugh, tramp!
Phoebe: Does Joey have any idea?
Erin: I really don’t think he does. And y’know what? Maybe you guys could help clue him in. Y’know, tell him I’m-I’m not interested in a serious relationship or something.
Phoebe: Yeah, you mean like that you’re kind of a loner.
Erin: Yeah! That would be great!
Phoebe: Yeah, and maybe that you’re a real (She says something in Italian, and it doesn’t matter what she said. It’s not important so I don’t need everyone who speaks Italian telling me what she said.)
Erin: I’m sorry?
Phoebe: Oh well, I guess Italian isn’t one of the four languages you speak.
Joey: (returning) Hey! You wanna go?
Erin: Yeah, let’s go.
Joey: Okay. See you guys later.
Erin: Bye guys.
Rachel: Yeah, see ya.
Joey: (whispers to Phoebe and Rachel) Hey, thank you so much. (They both exit.)
Rachel: Wow. Well, I guess it was Cupid who brought her here.
Phoebe: No, just a regular old flying dwarf.
[Scene: The library’s Paleontology section, Ross is patrolling as a couple walks up.]
Ross: Yes? Yes?! How can I help you?
Guy: Yeah, we were…we were just looking around.
Ross: Oh-oh, you’re-you’re fellow scholars. What exactly were you looking for, hmm? Perhaps, (Grabs a book from the shelf behind him) perhaps Dr. Chester Stock’s musings on the Smiledon Californicus?
Ross: Ah… Ah…Get out of here! (The couple retreats. Ross starts looking through the previously mentioned book as a beautiful woman walks into the section.) Uh, meeting someone? Or-or are you just here to brush up on Marion’s views on evolution?
Woman: Uh, actually I find Marion’s views far to progressionist.
Ross: I find Marion’s views far to progressionist.
Woman: I’m sorry, who are you?
Ross: I’m a professor here uh, Ross…Geller.
Woman: Ross Geller, why do I know that name? It’s uh—Wait! (Grabs his book off of the shelf.) Did you write this?
Ross: Yes! You’re the person who checked out my book?!
Woman: Y’know, you look nothing like I would’ve thought. You’re…you’re so young.
Ross: Well I uh, I skipped forth grade.
[Time Lapse, Ross and the woman are now in a state of partial undress and are standing in front of the head librarian with two security guards watching them.]
Ross: I am very…very sorry.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Rachel are watching TV as Joey enters.]
Phoebe: So how was, how was your date?
Joey: Oh, it was great! I mean we walked all around the village. We went to this ice cream place, split a milkshake, 70/30 but still… And guess what, I’m thinking about taking her upstate to one of those bed and breakfasts.
Phoebe: Oh really? She said she wants to go away with you?
Joey: No-no-no-no-no! It’s a surprise, but it’s gonna be tricky thought because she said she was gonna be pretty busy at work for a while.
Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no, yeah.
Rachel: Jo-Joey, look honey we-we need to talk okay? Umm, I kinda got the feeling from her today that uh, she’s not lookin’ for a serious relationship.
Joey: Where are you gettin’ this?
Rachel: Well, she told me. She said she’s kinda a loner.
Joey: Oh. Oh.
Joey: No hey Rach, it’s cool okay? Y’know I’m a loner too! (Heads for his room.) Right?
Phoebe: Hey Joey, y’know what? You are way to good for her.
Rachel: Yeah and honey I promise next time that I will just say good-bye and tell ‘em you’re not looking for a relationship.
Joey: No! No. Don’t do that, just next time make sure she really likes me.
Rachel: Well that too. (Joey goes into his room.) Joey?
Rachel: Do you want some pancakes?
Joey: (coming back out) Finally!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table and are still trying to decide what to do about Janice.]
Monica: What are we gonna do?
Chandler: I say we go with Careless Whisper.
(There’s a knock on the door and Janice enters.)
Chandler: (To Monica) Did she see us yet? Did she see us?
Monica: Janice, what umm, what are you doing here?
Janice: Well umm, I thought I was going to go back to my apartment but then I just felt I couldn’t really be alone tonight. (Joey walks into view of the open door behind Janice, sees her, gets a terrified look on his face, and flees in horror.) I was wondering if I could maybe stay here with you, just I really feel that I need to be with family.
Monica: (To Chandler) Our kids are gonna call her Aunt Janice aren’t they?
Janice: Please, it’s because otherwise I really don’t know what I might do.
Chandler: Aren’t you just a tinsy bit curious?
Janice: (starting to cry) Do you have any tissues?
Monica: Yeah, in-in-in the bathroom.
Janice: Okay! (She runs for the bathroom)
Monica: We’ll just…we’ll just let her stay.
Chandler: No-no-no-no, if we let her stay, she will stay forever!
Monica: Kinda like your Barca lounger.
Chandler: Is that what you’re thinking about right now?
Monica: I never stop thinking about it.
Janice: Hey you guys, umm do either one of you want to get in there before I take my bath.
Chandler: Janice, I’m sorry but umm, you can’t stay here tonight.
Janice: Why not?
Chandler: Honestly? Our apartment is a hotbed for electromagnetic activity. Now Monica and I have been immunized, but sadly you have not.
(And she does the laugh.)
Janice: Okay, I’m going to need a comforter, but did you have a hypoallergenic one because otherwise I get very nasal. (Makes some weird sound) Do you have a cat? ‘Cause it’s already happening. (Makes a nasal sound) Do you hear that? (She keeps making the nasal sound.)
(Chandler does the same nasal sound to Chandler.)
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! You have to go!
Monica: Because Chandler still has feelings for you!
Janice: He does?
Chandler: Say again?
Monica: That’s right. That’s right. And that is why you can’t stay here tonight. And probably why you shouldn’t come to the wedding.
Chandler: Feelings, such strong feelings.
Monica: I mean, I realize that his feelings may never completely go away, but you can.
Janice: Oh…my Gawd, I-I understand. I-I am so sorry, I’ll go. (Starts for the door.) Good-bye Monica (hugs her), I wish you a lifetime of happiness with him. Chandler, (hugs him) you call me when this goes in the pooper. (Hurries out.)
[Scene: The library’s Paleontology section, Ross is on patrol and stops a security guard through the stack of books.]
Ross: (to the guard) Don’t sweat it, I’ve got this section covered. Yeah, in fact I’ve got this little baby (Turns on a mini-flashlight) to shine in people’s eye—(The guard walks away)—Okay, see you later.
(Ross resumes his patrol when his best friend and sister walk up and start to take off their coats, but they stop when they see him.)
Chandler: I just wanted to show Monica your book. (Ross just glares at him.)