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老友记第七季708 The One Where Chandler Doesn’t Like Dogs

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嗨!各位!感恩节快乐!嘘!别别别……怎么了?今年我们要秘密地过感恩节吗?不是,我们在玩一个我从同事那里学来的游戏:在6分钟里写出所有的州。什么?那也忒简单了!不,没听上去那么简单。你总会忘掉至少一个州,有人甚至是……14个。这是个土游戏,而且没有对抗性,所以理论上讲,我没输!什么?你忘了14个州?谁知道达科他州啊?哦,好,时间到!好吧,我有48个。哦,不错嘛!Pheebs?哦,我有些烦写州名。所以我决定列出各种芹菜,现在有一种:普通芹菜。好,Rachel有48个,Phoebe已经转到……蔬菜上了,Joey呢?向Chandler的傻州名游戏的冠军致意吧!哇,你有多少个?56个!嗨!新英格兰怎么不是州?嗯?他们有个运动队!南俄勒冈有运动队吗?明白了吧?我们怎么会没有多余的座位了呢?因为你邀请了你的助理哦,对,抱歉。不过Tag来不了了。他女朋友来了,他要和她一起过感恩节哦!你怎么没告诉我?我专门给他做了甜土豆馅南瓜。我本来想说的,可后来我意识到,你知道……你做的饭太好吃了,那些南瓜之类的东西绝对剩不下。这话太假了,你以为我不会接受。不过我还是很高兴。普通芹菜!哦,已经有了。搞定!提前交卷喽!唔,这可能是新的世界纪录呢!你知道,我不想在你们面前说教。可你们不觉得羞愧吗?这样一群受过良好教育的成年人……再加上Joey竟然不能写出所有的州。你们没看过地图或那种叫地球仪的圆圆的,花花绿绿的东西吗?嗯?唔,麦哲伦,你有46个州。什么?不可能!46个,哇!谁是受过良好教育的,“我忘了10个州”先生?啊,炉子没地儿了,我要去用joey的。一定看住Joey!别让他偷吃!我只有一个人!好啦Ross,时间到!别,再给我一分钟。你瞧Ross,如果你现在想不起来,就永远也想不起来,明白吗?这就是游戏最牛的地方。能让你想去死。不能够!我能搞定!这样吧,我保证在晚饭前写出所有50个州。成,不过如果你做不到……就没你的饭!就这么定了!行了。别看我的答案,Ross。好多你想不起来的都在上面写着呢。嗨,你们知道你们的烤箱已经没法用了吗?但装着外卖菜单的抽屉还能用,对吧?Ross,我能用你的吗?去去去……Chandler?搭把手儿?成,Joey,别让Ross看你房间的地图或地球仪。别担心,Chandler,没有关于美国的地球仪。嗨,各位,我要出去溜一溜。Phoebe,你的包怎么在动?哦,没有啊!真的,它在动!里面到底有什么玩意?只有我的针织品!对,这东西是我编织出来的,我很棒。Ross的房间真好!我们为什么不经常在这玩?不知道。也许因为这里的气味有些怪。好像是不新鲜的南瓜之类的。那是我的南瓜饼!闻起来真香!哦!哦!怎么了?我们让Joey和吃的呆在一起了!瞧!瞧,我就知道!他就在那儿……拿食物在喂狗!嗨,Geller-Bing的家,有什么事吗?Phoebe,怎么有只狗在我们的房子里?不好意思,你是谁?Phoebe,有只狗在我的沙发上!告诉她,我过敏,我要告她的!没有,这儿没狗啊!就在那儿!黑白色的长毛狗!它在Rachel旁边正舔她的手。哦天啊!你在那儿?我这就过去!他们已经到了?他们怎么干的?嗨Tag!你怎么跑这儿来了?我,唔,想知道你邀请我一起过感恩节的提议是否还有效。哦,当然!进来!你的女朋友怎么了?我们今天早上分手了。哦,真遗憾。是啊,她已经回俄亥俄去了。俄亥俄!!多谢!哼,狗在哪里?什么狗?这-这儿没狗!是啊,狗走了!Phoebe!Phoebe,开门!这儿没狗。Phoebe,我们听见狗在叫了!不是啊,我在咳嗽!哦,好吧,你们在这儿。听着,嗯,我屋里有条狗。它在这儿干吗?哦,我替几个到外地去的朋友照看它。等一下。你好,我叫Clunkers。我能和你们这些好人待在一起吗?哦,我也想让她留下来,可Chandler过敏!严重过敏,知道么?如果我离狗太近超过5分钟,我的喉咙就会闭合!那就怪了,这狗已经待在这里3天了。真的?Chandler,如果那狗待了这么时间你还没有反应,也许你对这条狗不过敏?那,那它还是要走,对吧?为什么?好吧,因为……唔……别说!别说什么?我必须说!知道吗?是时候了!好吧,我讨厌狗。什么?你没事儿吧?你糊涂了?为什么?我就说嘛……它们肮脏,神经质,你根本不知道它们在想什么,多吓人啊!对,它们很吓人。啊,她刚从我手上吃了点东西!等一等。你讨厌所有的狗?我是说,狗宝宝也讨厌?这儿有条狗宝宝?你不喜欢狗宝宝?好,你是条新的。瞧,Chandler,我告诉过你,永远不要说出这件事。就像Ross不喜欢冰淇淋的事一样。你不喜欢冰淇淋?太凉了!好吧,就是那条狗让我难受。让我牙疼。我不想这么说,我不想你们讨厌我。不过,我认为我没法再和这条狗待在一起了。所以,要么狗走,要么我走。天啊!我怎么会这样?我是大学教授,我毕业会考得了1450分。1250分见鬼,我忘了你在这儿。好吧,我把Clunkers带到Ross那里,我们很快就回来。哦,在你们走之前,我能问个问题吗?可以啊。当一个男的刚和女朋友分手,你要等多长时间再行动比较合适?哦,我觉得是一个月。是么?我觉得要3、4个月。半小时。有趣。至于你的助理,我觉得没戏。好把,Rach,关键是,他喜欢你吗?对不?因为如果他不喜欢你,这就不过是个moo-point。嗯,一个moo-point?对,就像是(对)牛弹琴。这不重要。重要的是moo。我是不是和他住在一起太长时间,还是那些话真有什么意义?拜托,别听Joey的。你看看他,他-他明显很沮丧。他远离家人,和陌生人一起过感恩节。他现在需要你的是友情。你是对的,抱歉。谢谢你。好了,我知道该怎么做。行!听她们的!没人听我的!如果包装这么漂亮,没人关心里面装着什么。嗨!嗨。你还撑得住吧?还成。是吗?关于你女朋友的事我很遗憾。谢谢。那你们在一起很长时间了吗?一年,分分合合的。我曾想我们可能会最终在一起。现在不这样想了。现在是她提出分手的?是啊。是啊。唔……说来奇怪。我总是设想会碰上某个人,爱上她,很快乐,那就是缘分吧。但进来我越来越不相信这点了。你有这种感觉吗?不……是的,总是这样,一直是,很可怕。可我想这个……这个人会出现的。为什么?因为,唔?一定会的。你总有话说,是吧?是,我知道,我就这样,绝对是这样。嗨,谢谢你和我聊天。啊,老板是干什么的?来抱一个!太好了,他也喜欢你!嗯?跟你说过,你应该出击的!什么?街上的声音没有掩掉我的话?不,好吧,回头见,好……Joey刚才说什么?我也喜欢你?唔,是的,哦,瞧,他……Joey知道,我……我不喜欢我的后背。而,而你在拥抱我,显然你并不排斥我的后背,太棒了!等-等一下,这不是个解释。好吧,实情是,Joey之所以说那些话,是因为,唔,我被你吸引。哇。是的,我承认,我对你一见钟情,而且,而且而且我知道这很疯狂,我们是同事,不能有感情。最后我会吓坏你或让你不自在。所以如果你现在说点什么就太好了。天啊!那些家伙在偷我的车!什么?就在那儿!那是我的车!嗨!好,他们会费点时间。你没有其他发自肺腑的话吗?真不敢相信!等等,我们还有时间聊,而且他们-他们还没进到车里面!哦,瞧,他们进去了,好吧。好,Phoebe,我差不多该回去了。请不要离开我,我会孤独的。别这么干!别!走吧。我们要坚强些。成,好吧。天啊!你听到了吗?她在喊Monica!哦~我可不能丢下她!你知道如果你愿意,我们可以在Chandler不知道的情况下偷偷地把它带回去。那没用的。我把狗放那里3天了而Chandler一点都没发觉。他并不很精明。嗨!我也不知道。是,不过你多少知道有什么事不对,是吧?是,我知道。Chandler在哪儿?这儿呢。洗手!你怎么……知道的?嗨,她怎么回来了?别紧张,Ross,她不会做冰淇淋!嗨,瞧Phoebe。我,我把各州按地理位置铺开……不,不,我们现在没时间干这个。我们必须让Chandler离我的卧室远点儿。是,不过,不过瞧我正……瞧,这正是我们没时间干的事。Monica在哪儿?嗯,在Phoebe的房间。你不能进去。为什么不能?Monica在哭。Clunkers的事让她非常不高兴。哦,我,我更应该进去了。不,不不。她现在不想见你。为什么?因为你送走了狗!这太可笑了。哦,是吗?是吗?瞧,当Monica和我还是孩子的时候,我们有条叫Rover的狗。可,唔,一天,我爸爸宣布他不喜欢狗。于是Monica和她朋友-Phyllis-带走了那条狗。那是她最后一次见到他。你没发现?和这次的情况多像啊!只有很少的细节差异。好了,我换了运动裤。吃的在哪里?怎么了?Monica因为我送走Clunkers很伤心。怎么了?把狗带回来,你就是英雄。对,我可以当英雄,我能做到。我能,我能做...我,如...如果它攻击我怎么办?Chandler,它就像只大沙鼠。你不害怕?Ross,要帮忙吗?你来帮?是的,拜托了!首先,犹他?老兄,你不能瞎编名字啊!我恨美国!一旦搞定这个游戏,我发誓立刻移民。嗨!Tag还在和警察谈话。嗯,哦!干吗啊,见鬼,我干吗要开口?!我对你钟情,我被你吸引。天,我-我知道会吓坏他的。如果你是用那种语气说的,倒真有可能。嗨,Chandler在吗?没在,他出去走走。好,你不要告诉他……看看谁回来了!嗨!哦不不不不不不不不!他是去Ross那里把狗带回来!哦不,狗不会在那里的!你以为呢?嗨,亲爱的。千万,千万,千万不要生我的气。怎么了?为,为什么嘘,也许会,也许不会,我们瞧着办。好,为了你,我去Ross的房子想把Clunkers带回来。可我忘了关门,她一定是跑出去了。我到处找,找遍了那座公寓的每个地方,甚至包括Ross你说过的那个杂草丛生的邻居家屋顶。我找不到他,我十分,十分,十分抱歉。不过我知道哪里可以减轻我们的烦恼。我们有好消息,看看谁回来了!嗨!Clunkers?!天啊!没错,她自己回来了。这是个感恩节奇迹!见到你太好了!是啊,她从Ross的房子沿原路回来。哦,她肯定会认路!然后她爬上安全梯用她的小爪子敲打窗户。我们就跑过去让她进来了。我说的过了,是吧?我什么时候该住口?哦,这太难了,有50个州呢!我告诉你,我有49个州,再没多的了!我-我认为我可以吃点东西了,完全取决于你呀。哦,嗨!怎么样?还行。我不得不去警察局看地痞照片。哦。谢谢你们邀请我吃饭。Tag?你-你要走了?唔,我们没有,唔,我们没有机会聊天。唔,那,你再说一下你从哪里来的?科罗拉多。啊,你真好。瞧,嗯,我想我们应该谈谈刚才在天台上发生的事。好。啊,我-我不该说那些话。这……你知道吧,这与我的感情无关。我是说我们是同事,是不会有结果的。我希望周一去上班,而-而不再谈起它,好吗?周一是大日子,有很多工作要做。那么,我们之间没事了?嗯,我有事。哦,天啊,我就知道,我吓坏你了。不,你本来没吓着我。唯一让我不高兴的是你说我们之间不会有结果。真的?对。那,请别因为这个解雇我。好,嗯,至少周一我们可以少做一件事了。特拉华!特拉华!对。我现在就要火鸡!是你的了。你写了两次内华达。我知道。嗯。
708 The One Where Chandler Doesn’t Like Dogs
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is in the kitchen, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting around the table writing one notepads while Chandler is looking over their shoulders.]
Ross: (entering) Hey everybody! Happy Thanksgiving!
Chandler: No, no, no. No-no-no.
Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe: Shhhh!
Ross: What, are we keeping Thanksgiving a secret this year?
Chandler: No, we're playing this game I learned at work. You have to name all the states in six minutes.
Ross: What? That's like insanely easy!
Chandler: Now, that's a lot harder than it sounds. You always forget at least one, or in some cases... fourteen (looks over to Monica).
Monica: It's a stupid game and I wasn't playing against other people, so technically I didn't lose.
Ross: What? You forgot fourteen states?
Monica: Nobody cares about the Dakotas. (That’s true in so many ways, trust me, I’ve lived in one and been to the other.)
[Chandler's watch beeps]
Chandler: Oh, okay, time's up!
Rachel: All right, I got 48.
Chandler: Oh that's not bad, Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh, I got tired of naming states. So I decided to list the types of celery, and I have one: regular celery.
Chandler: Okay, so Rachel's got 48 and Phoebe has the lead in…vegetables, Joey?
Joey: Say hello to the new champ of Chandler's dumb states game.
Ross: Wow, how many have you got?
Joey: Fifty-six!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross is sitting in the couch doing Chandler's game. Chandler is sitting in his barca-lounger. The girls are in the kitchen.]
Joey: Hey! How is New England not a state? Huh? They have a sports-team!
Chandler: Does South Oregon have a sports-team? (Joey strikes one from his list) There you go.
[Cut to the girls in the kitchen.]
Rachel: (counting the place settings) How come we have one extra place setting?
Monica: 'Cause you invited your assistant.
Rachel: Oh, right. Sorry. But Tag's not coming; his girlfriend came into town, so he's spending Thanksgiving with her.
Monica: Oh! Why didn't you tell me? I made him his own individual sweet potato stuffed pumpkin.
Rachel: Well, I was going to, but then I figured, you know... you're food is so delicious and perfect, you can never have too many of those pumpkin things.
Monica: Now you think I wouldn't enjoy that, because it is so fake, (Laughs) but I still do.
Phoebe: Regular Celery! (Starts to write that on her list) Oh, I already have that. (She gets up and heads for her room)
Ross: Done! With time a-to-spare.
Chandler: Oooh that may be a New World's record (Looks at his watch and picks up Ross' pad)
Ross: You know, I hate to lecture you guys, but it's kinda disgraceful, that a group of well-educated adults and Joey can't name all the states. Did you ever see a map, or one of those round, colorful things called "a globe?" Hmm?
Chandler: Uh, Magellan? You got 46 states. (Smiles and hands Ross back his pad)
Ross: What? That's impossible.
Joey: 46. Wow! Who's well educated now, Mr. I-forgot-ten-states?
Monica: All right, I'm out of oven space. I'm gonna turn on Joey's. Please, watch him! Do not let Joey eat any of the food!
Chandler: I am only one man! (Monica heads out) Okay Ross, time is up!
Ross: No, just give me another minute.
Chandler: Look Ross, if you don't know them by now, you will never know them, okay? That is the beauty of this game. It makes you want to kill yourself.
Ross: This-this is crazy! I can do this! All right, uhh, I bet I can get all 50 before dinner.
Chandler: Okay, but if you can't…no dinner!
Ross: You're on!
Joey: (gets up) All right. Don't look at my list, Ross, 'cause there's a lot on there that you don't have.
Monica: (entering, to Joey and Rachel) Hey, did you guys know, that your oven doesn't work?
Joey: But the drawer full of take-out menus is okay, right?
Monica: Ross, I'm gonna use yours, okay?
Ross: Pshhshhh!
Monica: Chandler? Can you give me a hand? (Grabs her jacket)
Chandler: Sure, and Joey; do not let Ross look at any of the maps or the globe in your apartment.
Joey: Don't worry, Chandler, it's not a globe of the United States.
[Chandler and Monica head out with some stuff. Phoebe comes out of her room with a bag.]
Phoebe: Hey you guys I'm gonna go out and take a walk.
Ross: Phoebe, why is your bag moving?
Phoebe: Oh, it's not!
Rachel: Seriously, it's moving!
Joey: What the hell is in there?
Phoebe: It's just my knitting that's all! (A dog sticks its head out of Phoebe's bag. Everyone looks puzzled.) Yes! I knit this. I'm very good.
[Scene: Ross' apartment, Monica and Chandler enter.]
Monica: Ross’s apartment is nice! How come we don't hang out here more often?
Chandler: I don't know. Maybe it's because it smells a little weird. It's like old pumpkins or something.
Monica: That's my pie!
Chandler: Which smells delicious!
Monica: Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
Chandler: What?
Monica: We left Joey alone with the food! (Walks towards the window and looks out) Yep! Yep, I knew it! There he is... feeding stuffing to a dog!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Ross is still doing his list. Rachel and Joey are feeding the dog as the phone rings.]
Phoebe: (answering the phone) Hi Geller-Bing residence. How can I help?
Monica: Phoebe, why is there a dog in our apartment?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, who's this?
Monica: Phoebe, there's a dog sitting on my couch!
Chandler: Tell her, I'm allergic, and I will sue!
Phoebe: No, there's no dog here?
Monica: Yes there is! He's black and white and shaggy and [Cut to Monica’s apartment] he's sitting next to Rachel and licking Rachel's hand.
Phoebe: Oh my god! Where are you? (Looks around.)
Monica: I'll be right there!
Phoebe: (Phoebe hangs up and someone knocks on the door. She gasps.) They're here already? How are they doing this?
Rachel: (gets up and opens the door) Hi Tag! What are you doing here?
Tag: I, uh, wanted to see if your offer to spend Thanksgiving with you is still good.
Rachel: Well, sure! Come in! (He enters) Well, what-what happened to your girlfriend?
Tag: We kinda broke up this morning.
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry.
Tag: Yeah, so she went back to Ohio.
Ross: Ohio!! Thank you!
[Time lapse, Chandler and Monica enter.]
Chandler: Huh! Where is the dog?!
Ross: What dog? There-there's no dog here.
Joey: Yeah that dog left!
Monica: (walks to Phoebe's door) Phoebe! Phoebe, open up!
Phoebe: There's no dog in here.
[The dog barks.]
Chandler: Phoebe, we can hear the dog barking!
Phoebe: No that's just me coughing! (Doing some weird coughing noises and the dog barks again. Phoebe comes out of the room.) Oh, good, there you are! Listen, um, I have a dog in my room.
Chandler: What is it doing here?
Phoebe: Well, I'm watching it for some friends who went out of town. Wait. (She bends down, picks up the dog, and waves with one of its paws) Hello, my name is Clunkers. May I please stay with you nice people?
Monica: Oooh, I wish she could stay here, but Chandler is allergic!
Chandler: Extremely allergic, okay? If I'm anywhere near a dog for more than 5 minutes, my throat will just close up!
Phoebe: That's odd, 'cause this dog's been living here for the past 3 days
Chandler: (gasping) Really?
Monica: Chandler, if that dog's been here that long, and you haven't had a reaction, maybe you're not allergic to this dog?
Chandler: Well, it still has to go, right?
Monica and Phoebe: Why?
Chandler: Okay, it's um…
Joey: (interrupting him) Don't do it!
Monica: Don't do what?
Chandler: (to Joey) I have to! Okay? It's time! (Joey shrugs as if to say, "Do what you have to do") Okay, I hate dogs.
All: What?
Phoebe: Are you crazy?
Ross: Are you out of your mind?
Phoebe: Why?
Joey: Told ya. (Waves bye-bye.)
Chandler: They are needy, they are jumpy, and you can't tell what they are thinking, and that scares me a little bit.
Ross: Right, they are scary. (He jumps up, screaming) Ahh, she just ate a treat out of my hand!!!
Rachel: Wait a minute. Do you not like all dogs? I mean, not even puppies?
Chandler: (scared) Is there a puppy here?
Tag: You don't like puppies?
Chandler: (to Tag) Okay, you are new!
Joey: Look, Chandler, I told you, never tell anyone about this dog thing. It's like Ross not likin’ ice cream.
Phoebe: You don't like ice cream?
Ross: It's too cold.
Chandler: Okay, it's just that dogs make me a little uncomfortable.
Ross: (to Phoebe) It hurts my teeth.
Chandler: And I don't wanna say this, I don't you guys to hate me, but uh, I don't think, I can be around that dog anymore. Okay, so either the dog goes, or I go. (An awkward silence ensues.) Oh my god!!
[Time lapse, Ross is still doing Chandler's game. Tag is heading for the balcony.]
Ross: How can I not get this? I'm a college professor; I got 1450 on my S.A.T.s.
Monica: 1250.
Ross: Damn, I forgot you were here.
Phoebe: All right. We're gonna take Clunkers to Ross’s. We'll be back in a minute. (Gets up with Monica to do so.)
Rachel: Oh, wait before you guys go, can I just ask you a question?
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: When a guy breaks up with his girlfriend, what is an appropriate amount of time to wait before you make a move?
Phoebe: Oh, I'd say about a month.
Monica: Really? I'd say 3 to 4.
Joey: Half hour. (Rachel turns to look at him and he nods yes.)
Rachel: Interesting.
Monica: When it's your assistant, I would say never.
Joey: All right, Rach, the big question is, does he like you? All right? Because if he doesn't like you, this is all a moo-point.
Rachel: Huh. A moo-point?
Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: (to Monica and Phoebe) Have I been living with him for too long, or did that all just make sense?
Monica: Please, don't listen to Joey, okay. Would you look at him? He-he’s obviously depressed. He's away from his family; he's spending Thanksgiving with strangers. What he needs right now is for you to be his friend.
Rachel: You're right, I'm sorry. Thank you. Okay, that's what I'm gonna do.
Joey: Fine! Take their advice. No one ever listens to me. When the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside.
[Cut to the balcony, Tag is looking down while Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey!
Tag: Hey.
Rachel: How are you holding up?
Tag: Not bad.
Rachel: Yeah? I'm sorry about your girlfriend.
Tag: Thanks.
Rachel: So were you guys together a long time?
Tag: A year. On and off. I kinda thought we'd end up together. I don't anymore.
Rachel: Now that she broke up with you?
Tag: Yeah.
Rachel: Yeah. Hmmmm.
Tag: It's weird. I always used to assume, that I would meet someone and fall in love and be happy and all that was just a given. But lately it's like what if it's not. Do you ever have that feeling?
Rachel: No…Yeah, all the time, constantly. It's terrifying. But you know that I figure it…it has to work out.
Tag: Why?
Rachel: Because, uh—it has to.
Tag: You have all the answers, don't you?
Rachel: Yeah, I know, I do. I really do.
Tag: Hey, thanks for talking to me.
Rachel: Well, what is a boss for? Hug it out! (They hug)
Joey: (through the window) All right, he likes you back! Huh? Told ya, you should go for it!
Tag: What?
Joey: (realizes what he said) Street noise drowned any of that out? (Rachel moves madly towards him) No, all right, I see you later, okay... (Turns away embarrassed)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Balcony, continued from earlier.]
Tag: What did Joey say? I like you back?
Rachel: Uh, yeah, well, see, he… Joey knows, that I'm-I'm very insecure about my back and, and…you're hugging me, so obviously you are not repulsed by it, yeah!
Tag: Wait-wait a minute; that doesn't make any sense.
Rachel: No? (He shakes his head) All right, here's the truth um, Joey said what he said, because um, I'm attracted to you.
Tag: Wow. (He starts to walk towards the railing.)
Rachel: Yeah, I admit it. I have a crush on you, and uh, and, and I know that's crazy because we work together, and-and nothing could ever happen, and the last thing I want to do is-is to freak you out or make you feel uncomfortable. Which is why it would be really great if you said something right about now.
Tag: (looking at the street) Oh my god! Those guys are stealing my car! (He points down to the street)
Rachel: What?
Tag: Right there! That's my car! (Sound of a breaking car-window) Hey!!
Rachel: Okay, that's gonna take them a minute. Do you have anything else you wanna get off your chest?
Tag: I can't believe this! (He walks back in again)
Rachel: (she hurries after him) Wait, we still have time to talk and they’re-they're not even in the car yet! (She takes a quick look down the street.) Oh look, there they go, okay. (She hurries in, too)
[Scene: Ross' apartment, Monica and Phoebe sitting on the floor next to Clunkers basket.]
Monica: Okay Phoebe, we should probably go back now.
Phoebe: (doing Clunkers) Please don't leave me, I'll be lonely.
Monica: Stop it. Stop! Okay let's go. We can be strong.
Phoebe: Yeah, okay.
[They both get up and head for the door. Clunkers whines a little]
Monica: Oh my god! Did you hear that? She said Monica! (She goes back to Clunkers again) Oooh, I can't leave her!
Phoebe: You know if you want, we can sneak the dog back in and Chandler wouldn't even know.
Monica: That's not gonna work.
Phoebe: I've had that dog there for three days and Chandler had no idea. He's not so smart.
Monica: Hey! I didn't know either.
Phoebe: Yeah, but you kinda knew that something was going on, didn't you?
Monica: Yeah, I knew.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's. Ross lays a lot off small papers, shaped like the U.S. states onto the floor making a map with the states. Phoebe enters]
Phoebe: Where's Chandler?
Chandler: (comes out of the bathroom) Here I am.
Phoebe: Wash your hands!!!
Chandler: How did you…know? (Heads back into the bathroom)
[Phoebe waves Monica in. Monica sneaks in with the bag with Clunkers in it and heads for Phoebe's room.]
Ross: Hey! What's she doing back here?
Monica: Relax, Ross. She's not made of ice cream!
Ross: Hey look, Phoebe. I, uh, I laid out the states geographically...
Phoebe: (interrupts him) No, no, we don't really have time for this right now. Okay, we have to keep Chandler away from my bedroom.
Ross: Yeah, but, but look what I'm...
Phoebe: See, this is exactly what we do not have time for. (She rushes into her room)
Chandler: (comes out of the bathroom) Where's Monica?
Ross: Um, in Phoebe's room. You can't go in there.
Chandler: Why not?
(We can hear the dog whining at a high pitch.)
Ross: Monica's crying. She's very upset about this whole Clunkers thing.
Chandler: Well, I, I should go in there.
Ross: No. No, no. She doesn't want to see you right now.
Chandler: Why not?
Ross: Because you sent away the dog!
Chandler: This is ridiculous. (He heads for Phoebe's bedroom)
Ross: Oh, is it? Is it? Look, when Monica and I were kids, we had a dog named Rover. And, uh, one day, my dad decides, he doesn't like dogs. So Monica and her friend…Phyllis…take away the dog. And that was the last time we ever saw him. Don't you see? This is just like that. Only with a few details changed.
Joey: (entering) Okay, I'm in my sweat pants. Bring on the food! (Sees that Chandler has a worried look on his face) What's the matter?
Chandler: Monica's all upset, because I sent Clunkers away.
Joey: So? Bring the dog back, you're a hero.
Chandler: Yeah, I can be a hero, I could do that. I could, I could do... I, w-w-what if, what if it attacks me?
Joey: Chandler, it's like a big gerbil.
Chandler: And that doesn't scare you? (He walks out)
Joey: Ross, you need some help?
Ross: From you? (He does a weird desperate laughter, like he's almost crying) Yes, please!
Joey: (sits down next to Ross) First of all, Utah? Dude, you can't just make stuff up!
[Time lapse, Ross still laying a lot out the states.]
Ross: I hate America! When I finish this game, I swear I am moving.
[Joey stands up again. Rachel enters the door]
Joey: Hey! Tag's still talking to the police.
Rachel: Yeah, ohh! Why, damnit, why did I open my mouth? (In a girlish voice) I have a crush on you; I am attracted to you. (Back to normal again) Gee, I-I know that I freaked him out
Joey: If you said it like that, you probably did, yeah.
[Rachel walks past Joey towards the couch]
Phoebe: (opens her bedroom door and peeks out) Hey, is Chandler here?
Chandler: No, no he went for a walk.
Phoebe: Okay, but you cannot tell him... but look whose back!
[The dog barks, runs out of Phoebe's room and jumps onto the couch]
Rachel: (gasps) Hi!
Joey: Oh No-no-no-no-no-no-no! He went over to Ross' to bring the dog back here!
Phoebe: Oh no, the dog's not going to be there!
Joey: You think?
[The door opens and Chandler comes in. Rachel covers the door with a blanket]
Monica: Hi, honey.
Chandler: Please, please, please, don't be mad at me.
Monica: What? Why, why would...
Phoebe: (interrupts her, to Monica) Shh, wait and see. Maybe we will, maybe we won't.
Chandler: Okay, I went over to Ross' apartment to bring back Clunkers. Y’know, for you, and…(Clears his throat) I left the door open and she must have gotten out and I looked everywhere, all over the apartment, including the roof, which FYI Ross, one of your neighbors, growing weed. I couldn't find him, and I am so, so, so, sorry. But I do know where we could all go ease the pain. (Points up and then over to the street)
Phoebe: We have good news, look whose back!
Rachel: (uncovers the dog) Hi!
Chandler: Clunkers?! Oh my god!
Monica: That's right, she came back all by herself.
Phoebe: It's a Thanksgiving miracle!
Chandler: (to Clunkers) It is so good to see you!
Phoebe: Yeah, she came all the way back from Ross' building. Oh, the things she must have seen! And then she climbed up the fire escape and she tapped on the window with her teeny little paw and then we ran to let her in…(Realizes, that Chandler starts to not believing her) I went to far, didn't I? When should I have stopped?
[Time lapse, after dinner. Ross stands up from his self-made map.]
Ross: Okay, maybe this is so hard, because there aren't 50 states. Let me tell you something, I have 49 states, and there are no more! I-I think, I should be able to eat something.
Chandler: It's up to you.
[Ross whines and starts working again. The door opens and Tag enters.]
Rachel: Oh, hi! How are you doing?
Tag: I'm okay. I gotta go down to the police station and look at mug shots.
Rachel: Oh.
Tag: Thanks for having me over, you guys.
Ross: Tag? Y-You're going? (Comes over to Tag) Uh we didn't, uh we didn't get the chance to talk. Uh, so, where did you say you're from again?
Tag: Colorado.
Ross: Ah, what good are you. (Walks back to his map dejectedly.)
[Rachel and Tag go into the hall.]
Rachel: Look, um, I think we should talk about what happened on the terrace.
Tag: Okay.
Rachel: Ah, I-I never should have said what I said. It—y’know what? It just doesn't matter how I feel. I mean we work together, so nothing could really ever happen between us, and what I would love is just to go to work on Monday, and-and never talk about this again, okay? Big day Monday lots to do. So, we're okay?
Tag: Um, I'm not.
Rachel: Oh, god, I know it, that I freaked you out.
Tag: No, you didn't. The only thing that freaked me out was you saying that nothing could ever happen between us.
Rachel: Really?
Tag: Yeah, so, please don't fire me for doing this. (He kisses her)
Rachel: Okay, well, that's one less thing we have to do on Monday.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, later that night, there is someone knocking on the door and Chandler stumbles out into the living room, turns on the light, looks through the peephole, and opens the door.]
Ross: Delaware! (Starting to cry.) Delaware!
Chandler: All right.
Ross: (hands Chandler his pad and walks in) I want my turkey now!
Chandler: You got it. (Starts looking at the pad, while Ross got the turkey out of the fridge and starts to unwrap and it) You got Nevada twice.
Ross: (pauses) I know.
Chandler: Yeah. (Throws the pad on the table and heads for the bedroom)

End
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