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老友记第七季709 The One With All The Candy

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我准备好了!真的吗?Uh-huh!Okay,让我来把你的头盔弄正。谢谢爸爸。不-不,你只有一个爸爸,两个妈妈。-好,现在看你的了!-OK,OK就这样!对!对!对!阿奔的第一辆大孩子自行车, 真叫人兴奋!是啊,我还记得我那辆!Ohh,那是我的六岁生日,我爸爸带我去公园,我骑上它然后……- 它被压弯了。- 对。我从未有过自己的自行车。什么?!因为,我们家没有钱。但是街对面的女骇有一辆很棒的自行车!它是粉红色的,把手上挂着彩虹色的缨子,还有-还有-还有一个这么大的铃铛,白色的篮子装饰着塑料菊花怎么听着像我的第一辆自行车?-我爸爸给了我他旧的那辆。-噢。那个女孩曾让你骑过她的车吗?不!不过她给了我它的包装盒。那上面有一张自行车的图片。所以我可以坐在上面让我继父拖着我在后园转那太不公平了!不会啊,我也有拖着他跑!-嘿!你们在干吗?-嘿!给邻居们做节日喜糖。对不起,给谁?我打算把这个篮子挂在门上,等邻居们路过时可以拿一块。可我们不认识他们啊!我认识啊。这里有,比如,小胡子先生,大烟枪女士,曾见过的小孩,还有一个不喜欢被叫做“锈发先生”的红毛家伙明白了吧?这就是为什么我要做些糖果。我们可以知道他们的名字并认识他们我们搬走不是更容易吗?早——上好!!看起来有人心情不错!难道我不该这样吗?我有一群好朋友!我有一个很棒的工作!一个可以和你助手亲热的地方。得了,这没什么大不了的!我们花了一整晚作计划,我们的交往将不再是个问题是吗?什么计划?我们……我们不会……让它……成为问题Wow!这花了你们一整晚的时间来计划?可是你知道,我们还做了其他事。你们两个有没有……噢得了摩妮卡,你知道我不和第一次约会的男人上床马特盖尔,马克林恩,本威尔……- 我说不再!!- Okay.Hi,泰格,我今天有一个电话会议对吗?对,下午四点。好的,谢谢。就这样吧。等等!等等!看到了吗?那个送信的还以为我们之间没什么。我最好还是回我的办公桌。好吧,你这勤奋员工!我会记得把这写在你的鉴定里的。我的什么?是这样,你来这儿已两个月了作为你上司我必须上交一份你的评价报告。可你知道,我还有一项内容需要评价。你说真的?不,我只是总想这样做。你能帮我打扫一下吗?-我很期待有人尝了我的糖果。-我也是!- 你用不着这样想。- 谢了。这篮子全空了!老天,邻居们把糖果全吃光了!也许吧,也可能是……不,就算是乔伊也吃不了这么多。小提示:“爆米虾”之夜!乔伊!!干吗?是你吃了所有为邻居准备的糖果?是啊,本有这个打算,可我去的时候只剩几颗而已!对,他们不停地来拿。他们很喜欢它。他们喜欢我的糖果?天哪!!我得多做点!!等等阿摩,你可能还要做些烤宽面条,因为可能有些大块头也要吃罗斯!邻居们吃光了我所有的糖!!我的邻居偷了我的报纸!这是个什么世道!!-菲比,你那个……你现在有空吗?-当然!好的,自从你告诉我关于自行车的事我一直耿耿于怀我是说,每个人都应该拥有第一辆自行车,所以……噢我的天!!罗斯!!-你喜欢吗?-我爱死它了!!-真的?-噢!!噢!!我也爱死你了!哦?不是那种爱!不过这自行车使你我更亲近了!啊!好吧,把它拿到楼下,试着骑骑看。Okay!我的天!!我的第一辆自行车!谢谢你送我有史以来最好的礼物。别客气。噢还有钱德要哭了。才没呢!嘿伙计这没什么。其实我也…………有些感触。我只是很高兴我能使她快乐。谢了。我很高兴我不是唯一想哭的人。是的你是!谁啊?!别担心,我很勇敢!我很勇敢!我,我真的很勇敢!不-不-不-不!!能告诉我你是谁吗?我叫加里,我住楼上。- Hi! - Hi.你知道现在是什么时间吗?是糖果时间!我室友说那些糖是天堂掉下的。哦别这么说!听到了吗?天堂掉下的。凌晨四点。那么,我能拿点糖果吗?我很抱歉,可我们某些人要早起上班!他并不知道我不属于“我们某些人”他能听见我说话对吧?嗯,听着我很抱歉,可明天一大早我就会放一些在外面。-那好吧,我过一会再回来。你也住这栋楼?-对啊。嗯!那我应该记得你才对!嗯!晚安加里!这栋楼有人不想泡你吗?大烟枪女士……噢等等,也不尽然。你读了你的评价报告了吗?没!上面标着“机密文件”。我刚把它送到人事部了。噢等一下,你在开玩笑对吧?!我只是写来跟你逗着玩的!一个他们会欣赏的玩笑?我想不会。你都写了什么?呃,我说你吻技高超,还有我喜欢你的小屁屁。不,别提我的屁屁。后面更糟。关于及你的工作积极性,我说,“是的,他能在最短时间内解开我的胸围,”还有工作上的潜在问题我说“噢老天,我希望没有,”然后我还画了一些小笑脸,还有一张色色的图画。罗斯!你送阿菲自行车真是好有心。我听说这件事都快哭了。快哭了?听见了钱德?“快”哭了!嘿,每次有人提起铁达尼号你也会哭!可他们是对方的唯一!菲比真的很喜欢那辆自行车对吧?是啊!有天我见她推着车在街上走。车篮里装着花。好可爱。对,今天早上我还看见她在公园里推着车。等一下,她老是“推”着车?两次都是?嘿,阿菲?噢,hi!嘿!看来你很喜欢这辆车?噢,非常喜欢!阿菲你那个……你应该会骑车对吧?当然!嗯,能骑给我们看看吗?Okay.看见了?你看,这就是为什么我告诉你永远不要和你助手发生关系!当发展到恋爱时没有什么事是能够保密的。听到了吗钱德?不要这样做!怎么了?我只是吃糖而已。我想也许没那么糟糕。你知道,也许他们不会按我的意思来理解那东西。绝对的!你知道,因为小屁屁可以理解为屁股或优秀员工。啊,我只想把那东西拿回来!-嘿,阿瑞?-干吗?你提到的那张图画,是不是像这样?噢老天!乔伊!- 你别是有毛病吧?- 呃!告诉你小子,这点小才能在我买得起大黄前可派得上用场了。Hi!很抱歉,我知道时间已过了可我真的很需要糖果。不好意思,我帮不了你。看见了?这是规矩。求你了!今天我有外地的客人来访!我跟他们提了你的糖果的事!别开玩笑了,外地的?你告诉他们什么?我告诉他们你的糖果实在是无法形容!有人形容它是天堂掉下的,不过仅供参考。求你了,帮帮我行吗?嘿钱德,你认识那女的吗?可能吧,她不是那个住你楼下的叫床声音很大的女人?好吧,我只做这一次!可别告诉任何人!是!是!求你了,给我吧!没错,是她。谢谢。真是难以置信!我写了标注也不管用!-你知道怎样才管用?-怎样?停止做糖果!可他们喜欢它!可你是想要他们喜欢你。也许吧。你就是这样当上主厨的?这样别人就会喜欢你?噢,你真的想谈谈关于怎样招人喜欢的话题是吗?大活宝?好了,现在只要记住所有我教你的就没问题了。OK?开始了。预备……走……等等!这车座真的很不舒服!也许在开始前我们应该换一个。比如,就好象飞机座位?或者豆袋椅!菲比,你跑不掉的!OK?你必须学会骑车!为什么?为什么我必须学?为了……为了应付紧急情况。怎样的紧急情况?那个……假如一个坏人过来用枪指着你脑袋说,“你骑不骑?不骑我就……我就……我就开枪了。”OK,我会按铃铛使他分神,再打掉他的枪,像中国功夫明星那样。好了阿菲,你就骑上去吧?嘿!我会扶住你,推着你走。OK?-你不会撒手吧?-不会!-你发誓?-我发誓!-好吧。-来吧。-好了,开始了。好了吗?-好了。-好的。感觉如何?-还行……- 很好,试着蹬踏板。-OK。-就这样,你做的很好。-OK。干得不赖!对-对-对!控制方向!对!- Weee!!! - 对!! 是的!!!噢!噢!噢不!!你发过誓的!我……我只是觉得你做的挺好。我……我很震惊!很震惊!!这是正统的教学方法。Wow!嘿,外面有些人向你要糖果什么的。对,可他们必须得等不是吗?我只有两只手!!需要帮忙吗?不!你不了解整个流程!任何人也不许搞乱这个生产流程!顺便说一句,你婚礼的前一个礼拜我不会经常出现在你面前。噢!你好,大话王。听着,我-我真的很抱歉我撒了手。我有可能会死你知道吗!我知道。我知道。不过,我们能不能再试一次?我是说,你差点就成功了菲比!我很乐意可……那车被偷了,警察连嫌疑犯都没找到。-菲比。-干吗?这怎么可能?!好了,你知道吗?如果你不想学骑车那就抱歉了,-我就要收回那辆车。-什么?!为什么?!因为!因为,它-它-它的,就好比你拥有这把吉他却-却从来不去弹它。OK,这把吉它想要被弹奏!就如同这自行车希望被骑而如果你不骑它,你会抹杀它的灵魂!这车就要死翘翘了。好吧。鉴于你在意得编得出这种胡话,OK。太好了!太好了!你会让这辆车很开心的。得了罗斯!求求你不要死哦!好了,我想我们可以在他们看到之前把鉴定要回来,可我们必须进入杰尔先生的办公室。他十点以前不会进来。所以他不成问题,而他的助手,贝蒂,她会很早进来,在她的办公桌吃早餐。这有点悲哀。是啊,贝蒂是有点悲哀。所以我相信我能用这些巧克力把她引开。现在,当我去吸引她时,你进入办公室。-了解!-行动吧!你好瑞秋,你现在有空吗?有,当然杰尔纳先生,你要什么都行。空?行,没问题计划取消,计划取消。其实,我事想和你们两个人谈。OK。你想要来点什么吗杰尔纳先生?比如巧克力?嗯,不了,谢谢。不过我会给贝蒂的。我读了你给泰格的评估报告,或者用他的全名:泰格.“俏臀”.琼斯你们两个之间是不是有什么?噢老天!你能想象我们有什么吗?我是说,到底会有什么后果?其实,我被迫要写一份报告。我必须和法律部门进行讨论,而你们在这个公司的前途会很危险。-那么……-哦,杰尔纳先生,写那份鉴定的是我自己。-噢,不-不-不……-是-是-是-是-是,我觉得这样很好玩。你写你自己有个可爱的小屁屁?是。我的幽默感很怪异,而且我对我的屁股十分自豪。这是个危险的玩笑,泰格,还有这里画的是什么,我看不出来,是什么?你上下颠倒来看的?你知道吗?这无关紧要。那么看来我也不是没有幽默感是吧?我有时甚至喜欢色情的打油诗。但要分清时间与场合,懂吗?除非你们,现在就有什么好打油诗?没有?好吧,反正你有我的传真号码。真不敢相信你这样做。真的好温馨。-不,别在意。-不,你有可能会丢掉工作。你在开玩笑?凭着这样可爱的屁股我还怕找不到工作?谢谢你!你真是太好了!-你知道吗?-什么?其实我感觉不错!什么?可……可我花了好长的时间才把桌子整理好的。噢,不好意思。就是这个。发生什么事了?我们在等糖果。把糖果拿出来!对,女士!给我们糖果!!乔伊!-怎么了伙计?-你在干吗?等糖果。进去!嘿,你不许在这里抽烟!圣诞快乐。OK,伙计们!糖果就快好了;我还需要15分钟等巧克力冷却!我们要糖果!现在就要!好了各位!安静!安静!安静!住-住-住嘴!你们这些人什么毛病?这位女士正努力为你们做一件好事,你们看看她。她被搞得一团糟!她的头发没梳好,她的眼睛像熊猫,脸上粘着巧克力,可依旧如此迷人!她为了认识你们而拼命做糖果,而我打赌你们没人知道她的名字!我说的对吗?糖果女士?不不是糖果女士。嘿,如果我们知道就能得到糖果吗?!!够了,你们知道吗?别妄想了,都别妄想了!你们搞砸了!回去!你们搞砸了!说得对,全搞砸了!你们搞砸了一切!-谢谢你。-别客气。你抽烟了?没有!大烟枪女士把烟吐到我嘴里。那个,你没事吧?现在没事,不过刚才太吓人了。我是说,有人还从门缝塞进了一张恐吓字条。噢,不好意思。暴徒心理什么的,管他呢……真不敢相信!我成功了!我能骑自行车了!我从没想过我能做到!谢谢你罗斯。噢嘿,别谢我,谢谢你自己。你才是敢于面对恐惧并克服它的人。别那么老土罗斯,这又不是课后开小灶。
709 The One With All The Candy
[Scene: Central Park, Ross is teaching Ben how to ride a bike. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are they also.]
Ben: (on the bike) I’m ready!
Ross: You sure?
Ben: Uh-huh!
Chandler: Okay, let me just straighten out your helmet there. (Does so.)
Ben: (To Chandler) Thanks daddy.
Ross: No-no, one daddy, two mommies. All right, it’s all yours. (Ross pushes him off.)
Chandler: Okay. Okay.
Ross: Yes! Yes! Yes!! (Everyone stands and claps.)
Phoebe: His first big kid’s bike, this is so exciting!
Monica: Oh yeah, I remember mine! Ohh, it was my sixth birthday, my dad took me to the park, I got it, and…it bent.
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: I never had a bike of my own.
Ross: (shocked) What?!
Phoebe: Well, we didn’t have a lot of money. But the girl across the street had the best bike! It was pink and it had rainbow colored tassels hanging off the handle grips, and-and-and a bell and this big, white wicker basket with those plastic daisies stuck on.
Chandler: That sounds like my first bike. (They all turn and look at him.) My dad gave me his old one.
Ross: Ohh.
Monica: Did the girl ever let you ride it?
Phoebe: No! But she gave me the box that it came in. It had a picture of the bike on the front. (They’re all speechless) So I would sit on it and my step-dad would drag me around the backyard.
Ross: That is so unfair!
Phoebe: Not really, I got to drag him around too! (They all nod, "Oh.")
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is cooking, Joey is eating, and Chandler is entering from the bedroom.]
Chandler: Hey! What are you guys doing?
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Making holiday candy for the neighbors.
Chandler: I’m sorry, who?
Monica: I’m gonna hang this basket (Points to the one sitting on the table) on the door and when the neighbors walk by they can all take a piece.
Chandler: But we don’t know the neighbors.
Joey: I do. There’s uh, let’s see, Guy With a Mustache, Smokes-A-Lot Lady, Some Kids I’ve Seen, and A Red-haired Guy Who Does Not Like To Be Called Rusty.
Monica: See? This is exactly why I’m making this candy. We can learn their names and get to know our neighbors.
Chandler: Wouldn’t it be easier if we just moved?
Rachel: (entering, happily) Gooood morning!!
Chandler: Eh, somebody’s in a good mood!
Rachel: Well, why shouldn’t I be? I have great friends! I have a wonderful job!
Monica: Where you can make out with your assistant.
Rachel: Come on, it’s not a big deal! We stayed up all night coming up with a plan so that us dating will not be a problem.
Monica: Oh yeah, what’s the plan?
Rachel: (pauses as she thinks and exhales loudly) We… We are not… …going to let it… be a problem.
Monica: Wow! It took you all night to come up with that plan?!
Rachel: Well y’know, we did other stuff too. (Joey and Chandler start to giggle.)
Monica: Did you two…
Rachel: Oh Monica come on, y’know I don’t sleep with guys on the first date!
Monica: Matt Guire, Mark Lynn, Ben Wire…
Rachel: Anymore!!
Monica: Okay.
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, she’s at her desk while the mailman delivers her mail and calls Tag in.]
Rachel: Hi. Tag, I have a conference call today is that correct?
Tag: Yes, at 4:00.
Rachel: Okay, thank you. That’ll be all. (The mail guy leaves and Tag starts to follow, but Rachel stops him.) (Excitedly) Wait! Wait! (Rushes over and closes the office-door.) Did you see that? That mail guy had no idea there was something going on between us. (They kiss.)
Tag: I’d better get back to my desk.
Rachel: Okay, you hard worker! I’ll remember to put that in your evaluation.
Tag: My what?
Rachel: Well, you’ve been here for two months now and your boss is required to hand in a performance evaluation. But y’know, there is one thing that I have yet to evaluate. (She turns around and sweeps the stuff off of her desk and hops up onto it.)
Tag: Are you serious?
Rachel: No, I’ve just always wanted to do that. Can you help me clean this up?
[Scene: The Hallway, Monica and Chandler are returning and Monica finds her basket is empty.]
Monica: The basket is totally empty! My God, the neighbors ate all the candy!
Chandler: Well, either that or uh…(Motions towards Joey’s door.)
Monica: Joey!!
(She storms into his apartment to find him with a towel around his shoulders, a bowl on his head, and Phoebe with scissors in her hand.)
Joey: Yeah?
Monica: Did you eat all the neighbor candy?!
Joey: Uh well yeah, that was the plan, but by the time I got to it there was only a couple of pieces left!
Phoebe: Yeah, and they’ve been coming by all day. They love it!
Monica: They love my candy? Oh man!!! I’ve gotta go make more!! (Starts to do so.)
Joey: Hey Mon, you might wanna make some more lasagna too, because something might’ve happened to a huge chunk of it.
(Ross enters.)
Monica: Ross! The neighbors ate all my candy!!
Ross: Mine stole my newspaper! It’s like a crime wave!! (Monica runs to make more candy.) Pheebs, you uh, you got a second.
Phoebe: Sure!
Ross: Yeah, ever since you uh, told me that story about that bike I-I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I mean, everyone should have a-a first bike, so…
(He goes out into the hall and re-enters with a bike exactly like the one Phoebe described earlier.)
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God Ross!!
Ross: You like it?
Phoebe: I love it!!
Ross: Yeah?
Phoebe: Ohh!! Ohh!! And I love you!
Ross: Ahh.
Phoebe: Not that way! But the bike brought you a lot closer!
Ross: Ah! (She hugs him.) Well uh-uh, t-take it downstairs, y’know give it a test ride.
Phoebe: Okay! Oh my God! My first bike! Thank you for the best present I’ve ever gotten.
Ross: (stunned at the complement) You’re welcome.
Phoebe: (starts to leave, but stops) Oh and Chandler’s about to cry.
Chandler: (about to cry) Am not!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the middle of the night, there is someone knocking on the door and Monica and Chandler get up to answer it.]
Monica: (turning a light on) Who is that?!
Chandler: Don’t worry, I’m brave! I am brave! I…I am brave! (They get to the door and Monica goes to open it.) No-no-no-no!! (He stops her.) (Through the door.) Can you tell me who is there please?
The Knocker: My name is Gary, I live upstairs.
(Monica opens the door.)
Gary: Hi!
Monica: Hi. Do you know what time it is?
Gary: It’s candy time! My roommate says that they taste like little drops of heaven.
Monica: Oh please! (To Chandler) Did you hear that? Little drops of heaven.
Chandler: (laughs) 4:00 A.M.
Gary: So, can I get some candy?
Chandler: I am sorry, but some of us have to get up early and go to work! (Monica looks at him) (To Monica) He does not know that I am not some of us.
Monica: Umm, listen I am sorry, but I’ll put some out first thing in the morning.
Gary: Well okay, I’ll swing by later. Do you live in this building?
Monica: Um-hmm.
Gary: (looking at Monica.) Mm! Seems like I would’ve remembered you!
Chandler: Mm! Night Gar’! (Monica closes the door.)
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, she’s slinking out to where Tag works and checks to make sure no one is coming.]
Rachel: (hugging him) So did you read your evaluation yet?
Tag: No! It was marked confidential I just sent it down to Human Resources.
Rachel: (worried) Okay please, you’re kidding right?! I wrote that one as a joke for you!
Tag: A joke they would appreciate?
Rachel: I’m thinkin’ no.
Tag: What did you say?!
Rachel: Umm, I said I thought you were a good kisser, and uh, and that I like your tiney-tiny touchie.
Tag: No, not my touchie.
Rachel: Well, it gets worse. When asked if you take initiative I wrote, "Yes, he was able to unhook my bra with minimal supervision," and under Problems with Performance I wrote, "Dear God, I hope not," and then uh, then I drew a little smiley face, and then a small pornographic sketch.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Ross, and Chandler are watching Phoebe polish the daisies on her bike outside.]
Monica: Ross! That is so sweet of you to get Phoebe that bike! When I heard the story, I almost cried.
Joey: Almost cried huh? Hear that Chandler? Almost cried!
Chandler: Hey, you cry every time somebody talks about Titanic!
Joey: (about to cry) Those two only had each other!
Ross: Phoebe really likes the bike huh?
Monica: Oh yeah! I saw her walkin’ it down the street the other day. She had uh, these flowers in the basket. It was so cute.
Joey: Yeah, I saw her this morning walkin’ it by the park.
Ross: Wait a minute, she was walking the bike? Both times?
[Cut to outside, they’re going to talk to Phoebe about walking the bike.]
Joey: Hey Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh hi!
Chandler: Hey! So are you enjoying the bike?
Phoebe: Ohh, uh-huh so much!
Ross: Pheebs you uh…you do know how to ride a bike don’t you?
Phoebe: Of course!
Monica: Umm, can we see you ride it?
Phoebe: Okay. (The gang is giggles then Phoebe gets the bike out of the rack, gets on, pushes off, rolls a few feet, and falls over.) See?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is making candy while Chandler and Rachel are taste testing and Joey is on the couch doodling.]
Monica: See, this is why I told you never get involved with your assistant! And here is no such thing as keeping secrets when it comes to affairs. (To Chandler) Did you hear that Chandler? No such thing!
Chandler: (with his mouth full) What happened? I’m just eating candy.
Rachel: Maybe it’s not as bad as I think. Y’know, maybe they didn’t take it the way I meant it.
Chandler: Absolutely! Y’know, because touchie can mean both ass and good worker.
Rachel: Ugh, I just gotta get the thing back!
Joey: Hey Rach?
Rachel: Yeah?
Joey: That sketch you mentioned? Might it have looked a little something like this? (He shows her what he’s been drawing.)
Rachel: Oh my God! Joey!
Chandler: What is the matter with you?
Rachel: Ugh!
Joey: Boy I tell ya, this little talent came in handy before I could afford porn.
(There is a knock on the door and Monica answers it. There is a woman standing there.)
The Woman: Hi! I’m sorry, I know it’s after hours but I really need candy.
Monica: I’m sorry, I can’t help you. See? (Points to her new sign.) Rules are rules.
The Woman: Please! I have people coming from out of town today! And, I told them all about your candy!
Monica: No kidding, out of towners huh? What did you tell ‘em?
The Woman: I told ‘em your candy is absolutely indescribable!
Monica: Some people have been saying its y’know little drops of heaven, but whatever.
The Woman: Please, can’t you help me out?
Joey: (watching the discussion) Hey Chandler, do we know that lady?
Chandler: Maybe, isn’t she the woman who lives below you and has sex really loud?
Monica: (still talking to the woman) All right, I’ll do it just this once! But you can’t tell anybody!
The Woman: (exasperatedly) Yes! Yes! Please, just give it to me!
Joey and Chandler: Yeah, that’s her.
The Woman: (after Monica gives her the candy) Thank you.
Monica: (closing the door) It’s unbelievable! I-I can’t believe that sign didn’t work!
Chandler: Y’know what would work?
Monica: Hmm?
Chandler: Stop making candy!
Monica: But they like it!
Chandler: You mean they like you.
Monica: Maybe.
Chandler: Is that why you became a chef? So that people would like you?
Monica: Oh, you really want to talk about getting people to like you huh, funny man? (Joey laughs but stops when Chandler turns to glare at him.)
[Scene: Central Park, Ross is teaching Phoebe how to ride her bike.]
Ross: Okay, now just remember everything I taught you and you’ll be fine. Okay? Here we go. Ready…Set…
Phoebe: (hopping off the bike) Wait! This seat is really uncomfortable! Yeah, maybe before we start we should just get another one. Perhaps, like an airplane seat—or a beanbag chair!
Ross: Phoebe, you can’t get out of this! Okay? You have to learn how to ride a bike!
Phoebe: Why? Why do I have to learn?
Ross: Well…In-in case of emergency.
Phoebe: What kind of an emergency?
Ross: Well let there—what if a man comes along and puts a gun to your head and says, "You ride this bike or I’ll sh…I’ll shoot you."
Phoebe: Okay, I would ring the bell to distract him and then I would knock the gun out of his hand with a Chinese throwing star.
Ross: Okay, Phoebe just-just get-get on the bike and—Hey! I’ll hold you up and-and push you. Okay?
Phoebe: You won’t let go?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: Swear?!
Ross: I swear!
Phoebe: (thinks it over) Okay.
Ross: Come on. (She gets on the bike.) All right, here we go. All right? (They start.)
Phoebe: All right.
Ross: All right. Feel good?
Phoebe: Well…
Ross: All right, try pedaling.
Phoebe: Okay. (Does so.)
Ross: That’s it, your doing great.
Phoebe: Okay.
Ross: Doing great! Yes-yes-yes! Take control! Yes!
Phoebe: Weee!!! (Ross pushes her and lets go.)
Ross: Yes!! Yes!!! (He starts clapping and Phoebe turns around to look at him and falls off the bike.)
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh no!! You swore!
Ross: I-I just thought you were doing so well. I…
Phoebe: I am shocked! Shocked!! (She storms off leaving Ross to defend himself from the angry looks from onlookers.)
Ross: It’s a legitimate learning technique. (Looking around and seeing the woman behind him glaring at him.) Wow!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is making candy like mad as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey, there’s uh, some people outside, askin’ about candy.
Monica: Well, they’re just gonna have to wait aren’t they? I’ve only got two hands!!
Ross: Need some help?
Monica: No! You don’t know the system! There’ll be nobody messing with the system!
Ross: By the way, the week before your wedding you may not see a lot of me. (She glares at him and he quickly makes his way to Phoebe’s room.)
[Cut to Phoebe’s room, Phoebe has put her helmet on one of her teddy bears and is playing around with it. Ross knocks and pokes his head in the door.]
Phoebe: (seeing him) Oh, hello liar.
Ross: (entering) Look, I-I’m really sorry I let go of the bike.
Phoebe: I could’ve been killed I hope you know!
Ross: I know. I know. But, can we please try it again? Huh? I mean, you were so close Phoebe!
Phoebe: Well, I would love to but…the bike got stolen and the police have no suspects. (Ross just happens to have his hand on a sheet that is covering something that suspiciously looks like a bike.)
Ross: Phoebe.
Phoebe: What?! (Ross rings the bell.) What the hell?!
Ross: All right, y’know what? If you are not going to learn how to ride this bike then I’m sorry, I’m just gonna have to take it back.
Phoebe: What?! Why?!
Ross: Because! Because, it-it-it’s… It’d be like you having this guitar (Points to hers) and-and never playing it. Okay, this guitar wants to be played! And-and this bike wants to be ridden and-and if you don’t ride it you-you’re-you’re killing its spirit! (Pause) The bike is dying.
Phoebe: All right. If you care enough to make up that load of crap, okay.
Ross: Great! Great! (He runs to the door.) You’re making the bike very happy.
Phoebe: (sarcastically) Okay Ross! (Ross exits and she says quietly to the bike) Please don’t die!
[Scene: Rachel’s office, Tag and her are planning how to get the review back.]
Rachel: Okay, I think we can get the evaluation back before they see it, but we’re gonna have to get into Mr. Zelner’s office. Now, he doesn’t get in until 10, so he’s no problem, but his assistant, Betty, she comes in early to eat her breakfast at her desk.
Tag: That’s kinda sad.
Rachel: Yeah, well Betty’s kinda sad. Which is why I believe I can lure her away with these chocolates. (Holding up the box of chocolates.) Now, while I distract her, you get in the office.
Tag: Got it!
Rachel: Let’s roll!
(They start towards the door but are stopped when Mr. Zelner enters.)
Mr. Zelner: Hello Rachel, you uh, got a minute?
Rachel: (worried and shocked) Yeah, sure Mr. Zelner, for you anything—minute. Okay. Fine. (To Tag) Abort the plan, abort the plan. (She start to usher Tag out.)
Mr. Zelner: Uh actually, I’d like to speak with both of you.
Rachel: Okay. Uh, well can we, can we get you anything Mr. Zelner? Maybe some chocolates? (Holds up the box.)
Mr. Zelner: Umm, no. Thanks, but I’ll give these to Betty. (Rachel glances at Tag to say, "See?") So I read your evaluation of Tag, or to use his full name, Tag Sweetcheeks Jones. Is something going on with you two?
Rachel: (laughs) Oh my God. Can you imagine if there was?! I mean, (getting serious) what would happen exactly.
Mr. Zelner: Well, I’d be forced to file a report. I’d have to consult with the legal department, and your future at the company would be in jeopardy.
Rachel: Well…
Tag: (interrupting) Uh Mr. Zelner, I’m the one who filled in that evaluation.
Rachel: Oh no-no-no…
Tag: (interrupting again) Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, I thought it would be funny.
Mr. Zelner: You wrote that you have a cute touchie?
Tag: (pause) Yes. I have a weird sense of humor, and I’m kinda strangely proud of my butt.
Mr. Zelner: It’s kind of a risky joke Tag, and what is-what is this drawing I can’t figure out what this is?
Rachel: You’re lookin’ at it upside down—y’know what? (Grabs the evaluation and throws it out.) It doesn’t matter.
Mr. Zelner: Yeah, it’s not like I don’t have a sense of humor, huh? Hell, I even enjoy a naughty limerick now and then. But there’s a time and a place, huh?! Unless you uh, have a limerick right now? (They both nod no.) No? Okay, well uh, you’ve (Grabs the chocolates.) got my fax number. (Exits.)
Rachel: Whoa! I can’t believe you did that. That was really sweet.
Tag: No, don’t worry about it.
Rachel: No, you could’ve lost your job.
Tag: Are you kidding me?! With a cute butt like this, I’d find work.
Rachel: Thank you! You’re great! (They kiss.)
Tag: Y’know what?
Rachel: What?
Tag: I feel great. (Rachel laughs) In fact! (Walks over to her desk, sweeps its contents onto the floor and Rachel just glares at him.) What?
Rachel: I… It just—it took me so long to get that desk organized.
Tag: Oh, I’m sorry. (He bends over to pick the stuff up.)
Rachel: (looking at his butt) There it is. (They hug.)
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is returning from work to see the hallway jammed full of people waiting outside their door.]
Chandler: (asking a man leaning against the wall) What is going on?
The Man: We’re waiting for the candy. (Yelling at the door.) Bring out the candy!
Joey: Yeah lady! Give us candy!!
Chandler: Joey!
Joey: What’s up buddy?
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: Waiting for candy.
Chandler: Get in here! (They head for the door and Chandler sees Smokes-A-Lot Lady standing next to the door and smoking, to her) Hey, and you can not smoke in here! (Takes the cigarette and takes a drag for himself.) (Exhaling in ecstasy) Merry Christmas.
Monica: (opening the door and frantically) Okay, guys! The candy is coming; I just need another 15 minutes for the chocolate to cool!
All: We want candy! We want candy now! (And other general commotion sounds.)
Chandler: All right everybody! Just be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet!! Pipe-pipe-pipe down! (They settle down) What is the matter with you people?! This woman was trying to do a nice thing for you. She was making candy so she could try to get to know all of you, and I’ll bet that not one of you can tell me her name! Am I right?
The Man: (from earlier) Candy Lady?
Chandler: No not (imitating) Candy Lady.
Joey: (stepping in and knocking the man over) Hey, if we know it can we have candy?!!
Chandler: All right, y’know what? Forget it, all of you forget it! You’ve ruined it! Go home! You’ve ruined it! You’ve ruined it!
Joey: That’s right, it’s all ruined! You guys ruined everything! You ruined it! (Steps into the apartment and Chandler closes the door.) (Joey struts over to the candy and starts eating it.)
Monica: (To Chandler) Thank you.
Chandler: You’re welcome. (They kiss.)
Monica: Did you smoke?
Chandler: No! Smokes-A-Lot Lady blew smoke directly into my mouth. Eh-uh—are you okay?
Monica: I’m fine now, but it was really scary there for a while. I mean, someone slipped a-a threatening note under the door.
Joey: (with his mouth full) Oh yeah, sorry about that. Mob mentality or whatever, I don’t know… (Grabs the note.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Park, Phoebe is now riding her bike with ease and stops in front of Ross. They both giggle.]
Phoebe: I can’t believe it! I did it! I rode a bike! I never thought I’d be able to do that! Thank you Ross.
Ross: Oh hey, don’t thank me, thank yourself. You’re the one who faced her fears and ultimately overcame them.
Phoebe: Don’t be so corny Ross, it’s not an after-school special. (She rides off and the camera pans down to reveal two shiny, silver training wheels firmly attached.)

End
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