啊-再见. 我刚给咱们在Michelle餐厅订了位子,还买了音乐会的票,庆祝我们订混后的第一个节日.订婚订婚.嗨!嗨!哈啊... ... 啊哈!菲比?啊?头骨?哦,对,是我妈妈的.天啊!!不,不,不.不是!这不是我妈妈. 这属于我妈妈. 对,每个圣诞节她都会把它拿出来,提醒我们,即使是在圣诞节,仍然会有人死去.而且,你可以把糖放在里面.嗨!嗨!甘草味的?当然! 嘿,我刚刚搞定,今年我带本过圣诞节.哦!那太好了!你打算穿成圣诞老人吗?不.我是说,我知道苏珊每年都这么干,但是我打算今年教给本有关光明节的事情.也许我应该教本圣诞头骨和人们如何死去的事情.也许今年你应该教本有关菲比的事情.嗯.嘿. 你知道他在那儿吗?不.我们回来多久了?大概半个小时.有意思!嘿,你知道我在想什么吗?等我们结了婚,你打算把姓改成"宾"吗?不.为什么?叫"宾"太怪了.哦,嗨,你们!嗨!嗨!嘿.猜猜怎么了?我的房东刚才打电话说我的公寓已经准备好了所以我就要搬过去了.啊,菲比,我会想你的!对,你是应该很悲伤.好吧,我去告诉瑞秋这个好消息.噢!你们俩要重新住在一起了?对呀,为什么不呢?她现在和乔伊一起过的很快乐,我觉得,她会继续和他住在一起.她和乔伊一起过的很快乐,你为什么这么想?没什么原因,除了她这么跟我说过.真的?那么她说,她不愿意再和我住在一起了?不!不,她没这么说,我-我-我想你现在应该和莫妮卡谈谈.菲比,别为这个担心.我肯定她愿意和你住一起.你肯定?你绝对肯定?嗯,不.不过,嗯,我想她大概愿意.大概?我可不喜欢这个词."大概"真正的意思是,对,嗯. 对,哦,"你妈妈大概不想自杀",你知道么? 对不起,可是我可不想把我和瑞秋住在一起的所有希望都寄托在..."大概"上!照顾好你们自己吧! 这世界,历史没教给我们别的!现在"宾"不算怪了,对吧?嗨!嗨!太好了,你回家了!猜猜菲比送了我什么圣诞礼物!鼓?不!鼓!嗨,我们能买两个玉米饼打包吗?我很抱歉,不过不是为那个,因为你不靠它过.嗯,我们用钱德.宾的名字订了位子.好的,大约45分钟以后会有你们的位子.45分钟?我们已经买了8点的音乐会的票.对不起.圣诞节总是非常忙,先生.是因为玉米饼的那事?你得给他钱.给他钱?我只是开了个玩笑!不,去要位子!他们总是说没有,每个人都想弄点好处.好吧,镇定.我去塞给他点钱.做的优雅一点.嘿,我会优雅的.听着,我们有点急,所以如果你能快点给我们找到位子的话,我会非常感激.当然,先生.好. 怎么样?钱放错手了. 喔.......,呵呵呵.嘿,啊,你不觉得你要被扔出去了，是吧?不.我觉得,所以我们... 那么,本,你知道什么节日要到了吗?圣诞节.对,你知道还有其他的节日要到了吗?平安夜.对,而且有光明节! 看,你有犹太血统,光明节是犹太节日.圣诞老人有驯鹿会飞!对,嗯,光明节是为了庆祝奇迹发生.在很久很久以前,有一家人叫做马卡比...叮叮当, 叮叮当...对,这个没错,不过在光明节,嗯,我们唱...陀螺,陀螺,陀螺,我用粘土做了你.鲁道夫, 红鼻的驯鹿...好,我们不是在比歌.圣诞老人什么时候来?好,今年代替圣诞老人我们庆祝光明节怎么样?圣诞老人不来?是因为我不乖吗?不!哦,不-不-不.嘿,你很好,你非常非常乖,本圣诞老人生我的气了.不,嘿-嘿,本圣诞老人不生你的气.嘿, 你是-你是他最喜欢的小朋友!那么圣诞老人会来?对!圣诞老人会来!这很容易!就象在不经意间的! 跟他说句好话,握他的手把钱塞给他!你这么对这事知道的这么清楚?我不知道.理查经常这么做,对吧?我们现在本来都能喝上汤了.这个留小胡子的王八蛋ˇ好,那几个人走来,上!快!给他钱把他们的位子要来!对不起...晚安. 啊-哈哈哈! 哈!那么你喜欢鼓! 对,这太棒了! 你知道么,我本来很担心,这本来会使居住环境变的难以忍受.好吧,好,显然不会!耶!嘿-嘿,菲比,听着,我们已经学会了一首歌.预备,1,2,3,4...Tequila!!这很有趣. 给你.谢谢阿甘,放在这儿. 显然硬币不适合用这招.谢谢你.谢谢你. 嗨,菲比!嗨!这个. 现在我只欠你49块5了.嗨,菲比!嗨! 你是不是打算送乔伊件圣诞礼物,好让他把整个楼都破坏掉?为什么你不做的狡猾点,比如送个容易出事的球或者在走廊散布点水痘什么的不仅仅是鼓的噪音.每隔5分钟,乔伊就把他的鼓槌扔上天,接着我就听到,"哦我的眼睛,天啊,我的眼睛!" 我是说,这真够烦人的.对,谢谢你,你看,这就是正常人对鼓的反应.菲比,你给乔伊鼓是为了烦瑞秋,好让她不愿再在那里住?某种意义上是.乔伊,你知道么,你只要不把鼓槌往上扔就可以了.那怎么能叫摇滚呢?嘿,乔伊,我给你件别的礼物.哦等等,在你告诉我是什么之前...好,那是什么?是一只...狼蛛! 哦!天啊!瑞秋,我很抱歉.我怎么会想到送给乔伊这个用这么不坚固的笼子装的这么又大又吓人的蜘蛛呢?你在说什么啊?我喜欢它们!对,我小的时候有过狼蛛,不过它后来死了,我的猫把它吃了.后来,我的猫也死了.乔伊,它们很酷吧?是不是在我身上?我感觉,我感觉他们在我身上!我..嘿!哦,很可爱吧?乔伊竟然怕狼蛛.啊,对,他很可爱,天啊,他这么有趣,乔伊是最好的,我很高兴你在这更快乐.什么?等一等,什么?菲比,有什么问题么?我们的公寓修好了.这让你很生气因为...因为你宁可和乔伊住一起.你怎么会这么想?莫妮卡和钱德说你在这很快乐.而且显然鼓和狼蛛都不会使你改变.菲比?嗯?你送乔伊这些东西就是为了让我离开这个公寓?亲爱的,如果你真想这么做,你送他鱼就可以了,你知道鱼会吓坏我的鱼!这不是问题,菲比,你和我要住在一起,我们是室友,这是早决定了的.对,但我希望你能愿意跟我住在一起,但是如果你在这儿真的很快乐...哦,和你一起才真是快乐呢.我们一起很快乐,是吧?当然!哦,他们说,如果我们想,今天就可以去看看.哦,我很高兴去!耶,好的!好,好,好,好,好.好极了,对了,莫妮卡要我让这鼓别再敲了.嗯... 搞定!嗨!你好,先生.你是来还裤子的?不,这是我自己的裤子.哦.好的!您想要点什么?好,嗯,你还有没有剩下圣诞老人的装扮?离圣诞节只有两天?对不起,老兄.好吧,你-你有没有别的什么圣诞装束?我答应了我儿子,我真的不想让他失望,嗯,拜托,你应该还有些东西吧.我是节日犰狳!我是圣诞老人的朋友,他派我来跟你说圣诞快乐!圣诞老人出什么事了,节日犰狳?圣诞老人邻近圣诞节没空.喔,进来,坐吧.你从德克萨斯过来一定累坏了.德克萨斯?没错,本.我是圣诞老人在南方各州的代表,还有墨西哥!但是,圣诞老人派我来送你这些礼物,本.也许这位女士会帮我把礼物拿进去.喔!谢谢!不客气,本,祝你圣诞快乐,哦,也祝你光明节快乐你也过光明节?我有犹太血统.你有?我也是!因为犰狳在沙漠里也总是流浪?你打算到大厅里去流浪吗?哦,嘿本,想不想听节日犰狳给你讲光明节的故事?酷!好!过来本.在很久很久以前,有一家人叫做马卡比...哈,哈,哈!圣诞快乐!圣诞老人! 嗨! 你来干什么,圣诞老人?嗯,我来看我的老朋友本.你在这儿干什么,奇怪的...忍者龟?我是节日犰狳,你的有犹太血统的朋友.你派我来给本送礼物,记得吗?什么?你给我带礼物了吗,圣诞老人?当然带了,本,就在这儿!嗯,这次本来能成功的,可是他的手实在是太小了!哈,哈,哈!好本,为什么你不去打开那些礼物?圣诞老人,犰狳,还有我到厨房谈谈.真没想到我会说出这种话来.你在干什么?你跟每个人都说你找不到圣诞老人的装束,所以我就跟同事借了一套!谢了,不过你得走.为什么?因为,我好不容易才让他对光明节有兴趣,你就跑来搅局.但我要用一整碗果冻来做我的肚子.对不起,钱德,但这对我真的很重要.好,我去还衣服.嗨,你想,你能把它再留一夜吗?圣诞老人?真的?对,好吗?你爸爸曾经穿的象圣诞老人吗?不.那就好! 好本,圣诞老人要走了,说再见!不!为什么他要走?因为,如果圣诞老人和节日..犰狳? ...在同一间屋子的时间太长,宇宙就会爆炸.圣诞快乐!不!为什么不让犰狳走?我要圣诞老人!好,我放弃.圣诞老人留下.好,我留下,不过我想听光明节的故事.本,你坐下和圣诞老人一起听光明节的故事好吗?好,圣诞老人!好吧,我们开始讲光明节的故事.在很久很久以前,有一家人叫做马卡比...圣诞快乐!哦!看看这地方!哦,这太可怕了. 哦,他们做了太多改变,我都感觉不到我祖母在这儿了.哦!新壁灯!天啊!怎么了?记得嗯,记得你跟我说过你祖母建了一堵墙把房间分成两个卧室吗?怎么?记得你总是担心房东会发现,再把墙推倒吗?怎么?你真的不明白我说什么吗?它没了!只有一个大房间!哦不!哦!哇哦!!!看到了?好,我想我们得把墙重新建起来.不可能,因为有了新天窗!那儿有天窗?! 喔!!那我们怎么办?我们开始找个新地方?你知道,我觉得嗯,我祖母不会喜欢这样.哦是吗?又能感觉到她了?有一点点.菲比,你祖母也许说你应该自己住在这儿?你也能听到?!你真有天赋!菲比,这很好,我愿意和乔伊一起住.你肯定?哦拜托,我讨厌打包装箱,那里离上班的地方又近,而且我们又快乐.虽然,我真的想和你住一起.哦,我也是.我知道. 哦-哦,等等,你听到吗?听,我从你祖母那里听到点什么,她说你自己住这间公寓以后,就应该把那张紫色的椅子给瑞秋.不,我倒没听见这个....奇迹是那只能用一天的一点点油,却燃烧了...整整八天.对了,这就是为什么今天我们要庆祝光明节.讲完了.太神奇了!对吧?我最喜欢的部分就是超人带着犹太人飞出埃及.事实上,犰狳已经不为这部分发抖了!好,本,现在该点燃光明节蜡烛了!嗨! 哦.喔!看上去是复活节兔子的葬礼.过来,过来,过来,我们在点燃蜡烛!哦.哦.好,我能理解为什么超人在这儿,不过这只豪猪到复活节兔子的葬礼上干甚么?我弄好了!它回到笼子了?回到笼子了!笼子关上了?乔伊,出来吧,别跟个小孩似的!
710 The One With the Holiday Armadillo
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is on the phone, Rachel and Monica are sitting in the kitchen.]
Chandler: Buh-bye. (Hangs up the phone) I just got us reservations at Michelle’s and tickets to the Musicman to celebrate our first holiday season as a betroughed couple.
Monica: Betrothed… (Corrects him)
Chandler: …betrothed couple.
Phoebe: (entering carrying a skull) Hey!
Rachel and Monica: Hi!
Phoebe: Haaaa... (Puts the skull on the table) ... ahhhh!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, it's my mom's.
Rachel: (freaking out) Oh my god!!
Phoebe: No, no, no. It's not! It's not my mom. It belonged to mom. Yeah, no, she used to put it out every Christmas to remind us, that even though it's Christmas, people still die. And, you can put candy in it. (She grabs the skull, pulls out a stick of licorice, and takes a bite.)
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Monica: (Offering Ross the skull) Licorice?
Ross: (Thinking it over) Sure! (Takes one) Hey, I just found out, I get Ben for the holidays this year.
All: Ohh! That's great!
Monica: Are you gonna dress up as Santa?
Ross: Nope. I mean, I know Susan does every year, but I think I wanna take this year to teach him all about Hanukkah.
Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die.
Rachel: You may need to use this year to teach Ben about Phoebe.
(Joey comes out of the bathroom reading a newspaper)
Joey: Hey. (He exits)
Rachel: (to Monica) Did you know he was in there?
Chandler: How long have we been home?
Monica: About a half an hour.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting a cup of coffee and sits down next to Monica.]
Chandler: Hey, you know what I was thinking? When we get married, are you gonna change your last name to Bing?
Chandler: Why not?
Monica: Bing's weird.
Phoebe: (entering) Oh, hey, you guys!
Phoebe: Hey. Guess what! My landlord just called and my apartment is gonna get ready soon, so I guess I'll be moving out.
Monica: Ahh, Phoebe, I'm gonna miss you!
Phoebe: Yes, you will be very sad. All right, well I gotta go tell Rachel the good news.
Chandler: Ohh! You guys gonna be living together again?
Phoebe: Yeah, why not?
Chandler: Well, she's just so much fun with Joey, I just assumed, she'd still be living with him.
Phoebe: Why do you think, she's having so much fun living with Joey?
Chandler: No reason, except…she…told…me.
Phoebe: Really? So she said, she didn’t wanna live with me anymore?
Chandler: No! No, she didn't say that. I-I-I think you should talk to Monica now.
Monica: Phoebe, don't worry about it. I'm sure she wants to live with you.
Phoebe: You're sure? You're absolutely sure?
Monica: Well, no. But, um, I bet she probably does.
Phoebe: Probably? Yeah, I don't like that word. (Chandler and Monica look surprised) Kind of what ‘probably’ really means. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, oh, "Your mom probably won't kill herself," y’know? I'm sorry, but I'm not hanging all my hopes of Rachel and I living together on-on "Probably!" Y’know? You gotta take care of yourselves! (She starts to walk out) In this world history teaches us nothing! (Exits)
Chandler: Bing doesn't seem so weird now, does it?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel’s, Joey is sitting behind a red drum set.]
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey! Great, you’re home! Guess what Phoebe got me for Christmas! (Starts drumming.)
Joey: (yelling) No! Drums!
[Scene: Michelle's, Chandler and Monica enter.]
Chandler: (to the Maitre d') Hi, could we get two burritos to go, please? (Laughs.)
Monica: I'm sorry. But not that sorry, 'cause you don't have to live with it. Um, we have a reservation under the name Chandler Bing.
Maitre d': Oh-kay, we'll have a table for you in about 45 minutes.
Chandler: Forty-five minutes? We have tickets to the Musicman at 8:00.
Maitre d': I'm sorry. Christmas is a very busy time, sir.
Chandler: Is this because of the burrito thing?
Monica: (pulling Chandler away from the Maitre d') You need to give him money.
Chandler: Give him money? It was a joke!
Monica: No, to get a table! Places like are always shakin’ you down. Everybody wants to be paid off.
Chandler: Right, calm down, O'Mally. I'll slip him some money.
Monica: You've got to be smooth about it.
Chandler: Hey, I can be smooth. (Walks back to the Maitre d', very smoothly) Listen, we're a little bit in a hurry, so, if you can get us a table a little quicker, I'd appreciate it. (Shakes his hand)
Maitre d': Of course, sir.
Chandler: Okay. (Walks back to Monica)
Monica: How did it go?
Chandler: Had the money in the wrong hand. (Shows her his left hand with the money in it)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is whirling Ben around.]
Ross: Wooooooo, hehehe. Hey, ahh, you don't feel like you're gonna throw up, do ya?
Ross: Well, I do, so let's... (Ben and Ross sit down on the couch) So, Ben, you uh, you know what holiday is coming up, don't ya?
Ross: Yep, and you know what other holiday is coming up?
Ben: Christmas eve.
Ross: Yes, but also (Pauses to let Ben answer, but he doesn’t.) Hanukkah! See, you're part Jewish, and-and Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday.
Ben: Santa has reindeers that can fly!
Ross: Right, um, but, on Hanukkah, Hanukkah is a celebration of a miracle. See, years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees.
Ben: (singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells...
Ross: (interrupts him) Okay, that's right, yes, but on Hanukkah, uh, we sing, uh (Sings) Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.
Ben: (singing) Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer...
Ross: (interrupts him again) Okay, it's not a contest.
Ben: When is Santa coming?
Ross: Well, how about this year, instead of Santa, we have fun celebrating Hanukkah?
Ben: No Santa? Was I bad?
Ross: No! Oh, no-no-no. Hey, you weren't bad, you've been very good, Ben.
Ben: Santa's mad at me.
Ross: No, hey-hey, come on, (He grabs Ben and sits him on his lap) Ben, Santa is not mad at you, okay? Hey, you're-you're his favorite little guy!
Ben: So Santa's coming?
Ross: (disappointed) Yes! Santa's coming!
[Scene: Michelle's, Chandler and Monica are discussing how to bribe the Maitre d'.]
Monica: It's easy! Just keep it casual! Give him a kind word, shake his hand and give him the money!
Chandler: How do you know so much about this?
Monica: I don't know.
Chandler: Richard used to do it, didn't he?
Monica: We'd be eating our soup right now.
Chandler: Mustached bastard…
Monica: (sees two people exit) Okay, those people just left, come on! Quick! Give him the money and get their table!
Chandler: (walks up to the Maitre d') Excuse me...
[Chandler can't find his money in the pocket. In the meantime, another couple shows up, and Chandler turns away to look for his money]
Male Guest: (to the Maitre d') Good evening. (Shakes his hand)
Chandler: (finds his money) Ahh-hahaha! (Turns around to give the Maitre d' his money, but he isn't there anymore)
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe comes up the stairs and hears drumming coming from Joey and Rachel's, so she enters smiling and then sees that Rachel, not Joey, is the one playing.]
Rachel: (stopping at Phoebe’s entrance) Ha!
Phoebe: So you like the drums! That's, that's great! Y’know, I was worried, that, you know, they would maybe an unbearable living situation. All right, okay, well, apparently not! So, yay!
Joey: Hey-hey, Pheebs, check it out, we already learned a song. (To Rachel) Ready? One, two, three, four...
[Rachel hits some tom-toms and ends up on the 'crash'-cymbal, which is in fact a ride-cymbal, but whatever...]
Rachel and Joey: Tequila!!
Phoebe: That's fun. (She exits disappointedly.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is serving Chandler and Monica coffee.]
Gunther: Here you go.
Chandler: Thank you Gunther, put it there. (He gets up, and shakes Gunther's hand. A bunch of coins fall out his hand. He sits down next to Monica.) Definitely not easier with coins. (Joey gets up and picks up the coins. Chandler thinks, Joey is just helping him to pick them up.) Thank you.
Joey: Thank you. (He gets up and puts on his jacket.) (Phoebe enters) Hey Pheebs!
Joey: Here. (Gives her the coins) Now I only owe you $49.50.
Chandler: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey! (she sits down next to him)
Chandler: If you wanna give Joey a Christmas present that disrupts the entire building, why not get him something a little bit more subtle, like a wrecking ball, or a vile of small pox to release in the hallway?
Monica: It's not just the drum noise. Every five minutes, Joey throws his sticks in the air, and I have to hear, "Oh my eye! Oh god, my eye!" I mean, it is so annoying.
Phoebe: Yes, thank you. You see, this is how normal people are supposed to react to drums.
Monica: Phoebe, you got Joey drums to annoy Rachel, so she wouldn't wanna live there anymore?
Phoebe: Maybe on some level.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting behind the drums wearing safety goggles, hitting them with his sticks as Rachel watches.]
Rachel: Joey, y’know that you could just not throw the sticks up in the air.
Joey: What is Rock 'n' Roll about that?
Phoebe: (entering with an aquarium covered by a towel) Hey, Joey, I got you another present. (She puts it on the counter)
Joey: Oh wait, before you tell me what it is! (He plays a drum-roll) Okay, what is it?
Phoebe: It's a…tarantula! (Joey almost falls down from his drum-stool jumping up) Oh! God! Rachel, look, I'm sorry. What was I thinking giving Joey this big, gross, scary spider in such a poorly constructed cage?
Rachel: What are you talking about? I love them! (Looks into the cage) Yeah, I had a tarantula when I was a kid. But it-it died, because my cat ate it. And then, then my cat died. But Joey, isn't this cool?
Joey: Is it on me? I feel, I feel like it's on me! I got, hey! (He storms into his room)
Rachel: Oh, isn't that adorable? Joey is afraid of the tarantula.
Phoebe: (sarcastic) Ah, yeah, he's so adorable, God, he's just so much fun, Joey is the best, I'm glad you're having so much fun here. (She turns around, about to leave)
Rachel: What? Wait-wait a minute, what? Phoebe, what's the matter?
Phoebe: Our apartment is ready.
Rachel: And that makes you angry because…
Phoebe: Because you would rather live here with Joey.
Rachel: Where did you get that?
Phoebe: Monica and Chandler said that you were having so much fun here. And apparently no amount of drums or tarantulas is gonna change that.
Rachel: Did you get all this stuff for Joey to try and drive me out of the apartment? Honey, if you wanted to do that, you might as well just gotten him a fish, you know how fish freaked me out!
Phoebe: (nods along) Fish!
Rachel: It wouldn't have mattered anyway, Phoebe, you and I are, are gonna live together, we're roommates; that's the deal.
Phoebe: Yes, but I wanted you to want to live with me, but okay, if you're having so much fun over here…
Rachel: Oh, it's so much more fun with you.
Phoebe: We did have fun, didn't we?
Rachel: We did!
Phoebe: Oh, anyway, they say, if we want, we can see it tonight.
Rachel: Oh, I would love to!
Phoebe: Yay, okay!
Rachel: Good, good, good, good, good. (She runs to the drums and gets the sticks)
Phoebe: Great, all right, okay, and Monica ask me to make the drumming stop.
Rachel: (with the sticks in her hands) Um... (She goes to the tarantula-cage and puts the sticks into it) Done!
[Scene: Halloween Adventure, a costume shop, there is a salesman behind the counter, Ross enters.]
Salesman: Hello, Sir. You're here to return those pants?
Ross: No, these are my pants.
Salesman: Oh. Okay! How can I help you?
Ross: Well, uh, do you have a Santa-outfit left?
Salesman: Two days before Christmas? Sorry, man.
Ross: Okay look, do-do, you have anything Christmassy? I promised my son, and I really don't want to disappoint him, um, come on, I…uh, you gotta have something.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica has just opened the door for Ross who is costumed as an Armadillo. Ben is standing next to her.]
Ross: I'm the holiday armadillo! I'm a friend of Santa's and he sent me here to wish you (Points to Ben) a Merry Christmas!
Monica: What happened to Santa, Holiday Armadillo?
Ross: (to Monica) Santa was unavailable so close to Christmas.
Monica: Wow, come in, have a seat. You must be exhausted coming all the way from…Texas.
Ross: That's right, Ben. I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And Mexico! But, Santa sent me here to give you these presents, Ben. (He tries to bend down to pick up the bag with the presents, but can't because of the costume) Maybe the Lady will help me with these presents.
[Monica picks up the bag, while Ross closes the door and hits Monica with his tail. They walk into the living room, and Monica empties the bag.]
Ben: Wow! Thanks!
Ross: You're welcome, Ben. Merry Christmas, ooh, and Happy Hanukkah!
Ben: Are you for Hanukkah, too? Because I'm part-Jewish.
Ross: (gasps) You are? Me, too!
Monica: Because Armadillos also wandered in the desert?
Ross: (to Monica) You wanna wander in the hall? (to Ben) Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the festival of lights?
Monica: Come on Ben.
[Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.]
Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees...
Chandler: (entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Ben: Santa! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him)
Chandler: Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)
Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?
Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird…turtle-man?
Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?
Ben: Did you bring me any presents, Santa?
Chandler: You bet I did, Ben, put it there! (He shakes Ben's hand, but the money falls out of his hands) (to Monica) Well, it would have worked this time, if his hands weren't so damn small! (Realizes, that Ben is standing right there) Ho, ho, ho!
Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo, and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence, I never thought I'd say.
[They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices]
Ross: (to Chandler) What are you doing?
Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!
Ross: Thank you, but, but you gotta leave.
Ross: Because, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and you're-you’re wrecking it.
Chandler: But I didn't get to shape my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
Ross: I'm sorry, Chandler but this, this is really important to me.
Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.
[Ross turns around and walks back to Ben.]
Monica: (to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can keep it another night? (She has a really teasing look on her face and keeps twirling Chandler's beard.)
Chandler: Santa? Really?
Monica: Yes, is that okay?
Chandler: Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa?
Chandler: Then it's okay! (They kiss.)
Ross: Okay Ben, Santa has to go. Say good-bye!
Ben: No! Why does he have to go?
Chandler: Because, if Santa and the Holiday…Armadillo? (Ross nods) ...are ever in the same room for too long the universe will implode. Merry Christmas!
Ben: No! Why can't the Armadillo leave? I want Santa!
Ross: Fine, I-I give up. Santa, Santa can stay.
Chandler: Well, I'll stay, but only because I wanna hear about Hanukkah. Ben, will you sit here with Santa and learn about Hanukkah?
Ben: Okay, Santa!
(Ross mouths to Chandler, "Thank you," and he mouths, "You’re welcome," back.)
Ross: All right, it's time for the story of Hanukkah. Years and years ago, there were these people called the Maccabees.
[Joey enters in a Superman-costume]
Joey: (entering wearing a Superman costume) Merry Christmas!
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, they are entering to check out the newly refurbished apartment.]
Rachel: Oh wow! Look at this place!
Phoebe: Oh, this is terrible. Oh, they’ve made so many changes I can’t even feel my grandmother’s presence anymore—Ooh! New sconces!
Rachel: (yelling from another room) Oh my God!
Rachel: (returning) Okay, remember uh, remember how you told me that your grandmother put up that wall to make that into two bedrooms?
Rachel: And remember how you always said you were afraid the landlord would find out and then tear it down?
Rachel: Do you really not know where I’m going with this? (Phoebe nods, "No.") It left! It’s one huge room!
Phoebe: Oh no! (She runs to see.) (Running back, excitedly) Oh! Wow!!!
Phoebe: Well, I guess we’ll just have to put the wall back up.
Rachel: You can’t, because of the new skylight!
Phoebe: There’s a skylight?! (Runs to see and yells from the bedroom.) Wow!!
Rachel: So what should we do? Should we start looking for a new place?
Phoebe: (returning slowly) Y’know I’m-I’m sensing that um, my grandmother would not be comfortable with that.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Startin’ to feel her again there are we?
Phoebe: A little bit, yeah.
Rachel: Pheebs is your grandmother maybe saying that you should live here alone?
Phoebe: You heard her too?! You have the gift!
Rachel: Phoebe, it’s okay. I like living with Joey.
Phoebe: Are you sure?
Rachel: Oh please, I hate packing, it’s closer to work, and we do have fun. Although, I’m really gonna miss living with you.
Phoebe: Oh me too.
Rachel: I know. (They hug.) Oh-oh, wait did you hear that-hear that? Listen, I’m gettin’ something from your grandmother, she said that since you get to keep the one bedroom apartment you should give Rachel the purple chair?
Phoebe: No, I do not hear that.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Santa (Chandler), Superman (Joey), Ben, and Monica are listening to the Holiday Armadillo (Ross) finish telling the story of Hanukkah.]
Ross: …and the miracle was that that little bit of oil that should’ve just lasted just one day, burned for…
Ben: (answering him) Eight whole days.
Ross: That’s right, and that’s why we celebrate Hanukkah today. The end.
Chandler: My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt. (Glaring at Joey who’s nodding.)
Ross: The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part! Okay Ben, it’s time to light the Hanukkah candles! (Santa, Superman, Monica, Ben, and the Holiday Armadillo go over to the menorah to light the candles.)
Rachel: (entering with Phoebe) Hey!
Rachel: (seeing the collection of characters.) Wow! It looks like the Easter Bunny’s funeral in here.
Ross: Come on, come on, we’re-we’re-we’re lighting the candles!
(They both go over to light the candles.)
Phoebe: Okay, I understand why Superman is here, but why is there a porcupine at the Easter Bunny’s funeral?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is closing the door on the tarantula cage.]
Rachel: I got it!
Joey: (yelling from the bedroom) Is it back in the cage?
Rachel: Its back in cage!
Joey: Cage closed?
Rachel: Joey, would you just come out here and stop being such a baby!
(Joey throws open his door and stands there still in the Superman costume then slowly makes his way to the bathroom while keeping both eyes on the cage.)