嗨.嗨.你干什么呢?哦,我打算把椅子挪到这边来.你这是为什么?我坐在那边更合适一点.瑞秋,这才是你最合适的...你的大腿不算在内!好吗?过来帮我搬吧.不. 不. 不.不?不. 罗塞塔不动.对不起,罗塞塔?意思是...意思是罗塞塔不动.乔伊,这只是个椅子!有什么大不了的?关键是这里到卫生间和厨房的距离是完全一样的,而且这是个完美的角度,你不会看到斯蒂维的反光.斯蒂维是电视?有问题吗?没! 哦,他知道什么! 好吧,罗塞塔,我们女人应该团结在一起,对吧! 你这贱人!嘿,你不觉得怪吗? 等你们结婚以后,你再向别人介绍我的时候,你就得说,"这是我的大舅子罗斯."而不是"我的朋友罗斯," "大舅子罗斯."是不是很怪?我能不能就说,"这是罗斯?"当然,你想怎么样都行.嘿罗斯!我刚刚看到这个,房地产部分...啊?看这个. 哦,看上去象是妈妈和爸爸的房子.哦,这也有棵断了一枝的树,阁楼上的窗子也...天啊!!怎么了?阁楼的窗子有什么问题?!我无法相信妈妈和爸爸正在卖房子!我无法相信他们都不跟我们说一声!我无法相信我现在都不知道阁楼的窗子有什么问题!哦, 你好爸爸!莫妮卡和我刚刚在报纸上看到咱们的房子!对,我们很吃惊!你给谁留了消息?对不起! 乔伊,乔伊,真是对不起.我告诉过你别动她.瑞秋,好比我要挪动你妈妈,你说不要,但我却动了而你妈妈的头掉了下来,那你会怎么想?好吧,拜托?乔伊,我给你买个新的!好吗?我们现在就去商店,我们给你弄个新椅子.她还尸骨未寒呢!但是你不觉得罗塞塔会希望你向前看吗? 我的意思是,她一直把让你舒服当成头等大事.那倒是真的.好吗?准备好了?对,我...我不想让斯蒂维看着她这样.我不能相信,我们要和它说再见了,我们是在这房子里长大的.天啊,会有些陌生人住进我的房间.对,你都搬出去15年了,妈妈和爸爸还把它当神殿一样保留着.该是把神殿的天鹅绒绳放下来的时候了.他们也把你房间保留了一段时间.行了吧!我刚搬出去20分钟,爸爸就把我的房间改成了体操房!我得说,是一张蹦床和一堆内衣目录,不是体操房!算了吧,你知道他们是爱你的.就象他们是爱你一样深?我是他们的第一个孩子!他们本以为她不会怀孕的!这又不是我的错.嗨.嗨.嗨!哼,我恨这个年头!这年头怎么了?都已经二月了,可我只做过两次按摩,而且这两个都是世界上最吝啬小费的人!这两个人是我和罗斯.哦,这就对了!嘿,你想不想靠额外的工作赚点钱?我有些朋友做电话销售赚了不少.哦,这主意不错.你打电话一向很在行的.对啊,这个应该比我上一个电话工作好一些.我也许不应该总是说"打屁股"什么?对,就象你从来没打过这种电话似的!基本上，这很简单.按照手册说的去做,尽量卖出墨粉,越多越好.好,我能干的很好!哦,顺便说一句,我喜欢我的办公室.我们试着做一遍好吗?哦,好.嗯,好吧.嗨,我是帝国办公设备公司的菲比,我能和你们的后勤经理谈谈吗?我是后勤经理.嗯,好,我们谈谈你们的墨粉需求吧.我们不需要墨粉.哦,好吧,很抱歉打扰你.再见.对,你说的没错,这很容易.这个电话有什么问题吗?哦,好吧...嗯,我不是指责你,不过你有点粗鲁.他们总是会对你说他们不需要墨粉,但这没关系因为无论他们怎么说,你都可以从这个手册上找到答案.哦.那么,我想你已经准备好卖墨粉了,最后还有什么问题吗?没有. 哦,等一下,有!我有个问题.墨粉是什么?乔伊! 乔! 满满一袋. 啤酒还是冰的. 这儿一定发生了什么可怕的事情!哦 不-不-不-不-不-不! 斯蒂维,我从来没来过这儿! 爸爸?我在这儿!嗨!嗨,天啊,就像发生在昨天一样,你们跑来看我工作.爸爸,我们真难以相信你要把房子卖掉.好吧,该是一个新家庭在这儿开始他们的记忆的时候了,希望他们在发现地基的裂纹和天花板上的石棉之前,把房款付清.拿上我们的东西赶紧走吧.对不起,我们没法再保留你们童年时代的东西了.哦,没关系.我等不及要重新看到这一切了!所有的记忆...好吧,我不知道这些盒子里有什么,不过我直到有六七个玩具烤箱在阁楼.我一直喜欢玩餐馆游戏.对,不过你好像更喜欢玩生吃的游戏.嘿,没有道理让孩子等着用电灯泡烤熟巧克力饼干.那么,我想你的盒子在那边.喔!太好了!等一下.爸爸,这包香烟是谁的?我不知道. 应该是你母亲的.不过拜托,请别去问她.我会把它扔掉的.酷!爸爸!我的成绩单!嘿,看看这个,爸爸,数学,A.自然,A.历史,A.体操...喔,我的石器打磨工具!哦,看,这是你的旧化妆盒!是小丑工具盒!小丑工具盒!对,不过白色的部分好像从来没用过.嗯-哦.什么?你知道每年春天车库都会被水淹吗?你就是因为这个要卖房子?我想我不小心用莫尼卡的盒子挡住了水,用来保护保时捷车.哦不.爸爸!爸爸!怎么...哦天啊...所有东西都毁了! 爸爸,她会被气疯的!你不偷偷抽烟吧?不!那么只有你母亲这样.嗨,我是帝国办公设备公司的菲比,我能和你们的后勤经理谈谈吗?厄尔,谢谢. 嗨,厄尔,我是帝国办公设备公司的菲比,我想和你谈谈你们的墨粉需求.我不需要墨粉.我明白你的意思,不过知道我们的价格以后,每个人都会想要墨粉的.我不是.我可以问问为什么吗?你想知道为什么.你想知道为什么吗?我当然想!好吧,我不需要墨粉,因为我打算自杀.嗯,这是不是因为你没有墨粉了?好吧,今天不需要墨粉.谢了,再见.不-不,等等-等等! 我不能让你就这么挂断电话!请继续和我说话.好吧...我今天只有一件事要做.#自杀#我想我可以推迟再干.好!那么,为什么你要自杀呢?我只是嗯,已经为这个毫无意义的工作干了十年,却没有一个人能意识到我的存在!钱德?对不起,什么?没什么,我肯定有人知道你的存在!哦是吗?我在一个小办公室工作,周围都是人.我已经跟你说了五分钟要自杀的事,都没一个人朝我这边看一眼.等一下,别挂断. 嘿,你们大家!嗯,我打算要自杀!我一会儿再干.什么反应都没有.等一下. 嗯,嗨,玛姬! 嗯,什么都没有.我的好椅子.现在如果有人问起,你的名字叫罗塞塔! 来吧乔伊,我刚给你买了新椅子!而且是商店里最贵的一把!嘿,你知道我这么想吗?我们可以叫她弗兰塞特.弗兰塞特?她以为她是谁?沙发?可怜的东西.年纪轻轻就...乔伊,新椅子一小时以后就到.也许我们应该把罗塞塔搬出去了,你知道,开始送去修理吗?好吧,我想你是对的. 也许,也许我们应该把她送到火葬场.实在是太悲哀了,也有一点酷.她自己好了!这太奇怪了.不,这不奇怪,这是个奇迹!这不是奇迹,乔伊! 我肯定应该有什么解释的.对了,就是这样!如果你诚心诚意的想,奇迹就会发生!乔伊,我真的不...你能告诉我发生什么了吗?好吧,不能.奇迹!不,你知道吗?也许什么人来了把它修好了!或者别的什么事!比如天使来了?对了乔伊,椅子天使来了,修好了你的椅子.把你没信仰的屁股从我的椅子上挪开!好吧,她应该能理解吧?我又不是故意这么做的.爸爸,她才不管这些呢.看,我的东西都没事,都是干的,可她的东西全都不一样了!看吧,就是这样的事使她觉得你们爱我比爱她更深.哦天啊,她真的这么想?是啊,你能怪她吗?好吧,我不知道,我想我们可能无意间对你更宠爱些,你是个医学奇迹!医生说你妈妈...爸爸,我不想听这个.真的?好吧,现在不想. 好吧,莫妮卡要过来找点回忆,该死的,我们得给她点什么!好吧,拿...拿几个空盒子来,好吗?我们从我的东西里找出点看起来象是她的,然后放进这些盒子里.这主意好!就象,就象这个!这个!这...这可能是她做的!当然!好?还有这个!她不可能赢得这个!这个可能是她的!当然!哦-哦,这个呢?你的化妆盒?我感觉好点了.我很高兴能把这张椅子留给自己!对,我也是.嘿,奇迹椅子怎么样了?很好.是吗?喔!这个椅子在头枕两侧有扬声器!不.真的?对!你可以在看电视和听广播的时候这样用!我的椅子能自己修好了她自己.厄尔,你没在听我说! 我要说的就是你并不是孤独的,好吗?每个人都恨和他们一起工作的同事!嘿!你!等一下,那是什么?听起来有人对你不错啊.不!那人外号就是"嘿你"!他对每个人都这么说!他是最烂的!我临死也应该拉他垫背!好吧,厄尔,让我们先忘记办公室里的人,好吗? 你生活中会有其他的一些人,值得你和他们接触!你为什么不想想你的家庭,你的朋友,或者你的女友?对!没错!哦,对不起,男友!哦,不.不,管他呢!随便一个!嘿!你!对,他要走了.好吧,我应该回到我自己的事情上了.再见.不!我还没说完呢!别!你竟然敢挂我的电话!!!新来的姑娘挺厉害的嘛.嗨!嗨!嗨.嗨,我刚用玩具烤箱弄了一餐,三天以后就可以吃了.这个真不错!你听到了,罗斯!三天!对!对!哦,真是美好的回忆.好吧,那么,那些盒子是我的?好,这些,这些是你的,就在这儿.好.哦!我的图画书! 对对,你喜欢这东西.你总是把它带在身边.没有这本图画书你哪儿也不去.真的?喔!看起来这一行有我的坏话.嗯! 哦,一只旧手套?哦对,你喜欢这手套!你去哪儿都带着.不带这个手套你哪里也不去.喔!看看这个! 难以置信我能穿的进这件衬衫!#暴龙罗斯#哦,这是你的. 哦,不知道怎么弄到这里来了.这不是我的. 嘿,这不是,这不是我的东西!嗯,罗斯!这些是你的盒子! 我的盒子在哪儿?嗯,你的盒子...怎么了?爸爸?好吧,车库被水淹了,亲爱的,你盒子里所有的东西都毁了,我很抱歉.这是我的?恐怕是的.那为什么罗斯的东西没被毁掉? 如果你再说什么医学奇迹之类的话,我就用玩具烤箱烤了你的脑袋!好吧,我用你的盒子挡住水,保护保时捷车.等等,罗斯的东西是好的.我却一点回忆都没有了,就因为你要让你的车底下那两英寸不沾上水!!!还有树叶和其他东西.真难以置信! 我得来支烟. 嗨,钱德!嗨!你想不想坐在这样一张椅子上?它可以完全放倒,带滚动按摩,头枕两侧还有扬声器.当然,我喜欢.但是我在店里上去试坐的次数太多了,现在他们都不让我进店了.如果我告诉你,你可以到我的公寓里去坐,怎么样?你是在说,你买了那张休闲椅划时代的产品?被《坐》杂志评为年度最佳椅子的那个?我刚刚买了La-Z-Boy E-cliner 3000. 太好了!太帮了!你怎么会想到买它的?!哦,这是个长故事了,嗯,我弄坏了乔伊的椅子...喔-喔-喔!你弄坏了乔伊的椅子?对.我以为是我弄坏了乔伊的椅子!我把自己的换过去了!哦.这就是为什么它被修好了!啊,你们怎么会这么想,难道是精灵过去修好的?不!是天使.我去把我的椅子弄回来! 什么?嘿!好吧,看了毕竟是没完全恢复好啊!对!那么,我想这椅子现在应该是我的了!乔伊,你弄坏了我的椅子!!你的椅子?!他以为是他弄坏的,所以把自己的换过来了!那么,这不是奇迹了?!不,乔,不是奇迹.哦,不,这真是毁灭性的! 我的信仰动摇了.很高兴我的新椅子能陪我度过生命中最艰难的时刻.嗯!装的不错,但是这不是你的椅子了!好吗?现在这是我的椅子!你得坐在我的大腿上!不,我收回这句话!我觉得我应该得到这张椅子!怎么讲?因为你弄坏了一张椅子,你弄坏了一张椅子!这儿唯一没有弄坏椅子的,就是我!不不不!这张椅子哪儿也不去.好吧,那你讲出道理来.道理就是,我们有两个人,而且都强壮到可以把椅子弄坏!那就是说乔伊弄坏了我的椅子,我什么也得不到!没错!你们这算什么?黑社会吗?!对!我们是!我们是眼镜蛇帮!对不起!你能告诉我哪儿能找到厄尔吗?他是这里的后勤经理.对不起,我不认识什么叫厄尔的.我就在这儿!!!!厄尔!我是菲比.菲比?卖墨粉的女士?嗯,听我说,你不能自杀.听着,我真的很感激你来这里...不-不,我不能!我不能让你这么做!为什么?!因为是命运让我今天给你打的这个电话!我以为是墨粉.不!想想看... 这并不是平常的工作!是吧?我第一天干这个工作,你是我打的第一个电话!而且别人可能就把电话挂了,但我不会,因为我经历过这样的事.我妈妈就是自杀的.真的?!对.她怎么做的?我才不会给你提示自杀方法呢!你难道没发现吗?这一切都是为了让我来阻止你证明做.为什么不能是巧合呢?不,这是命运!好象还没有命运那么严重吧.哦,好吧,还有些怪事.我母亲也是后勤经理.我实际上是办公室经理.额天啊!她也是!而且!听听这个?你的名字是厄尔,对吧?她的名字是珀尔,帕-厄尔.好,还有什么其他的?!当然!嗯,你是哪里人?费城.哦天啊!她也是! 哦,我也有些肿块.真的?我穿的比较多,为了暖和一点.对对.但是,听着,这些混蛋可能不在乎你,但是宇宙在乎!就是说很多人!你们听到了吗?! 我不需要你们这些家伙在乎我!因为宇宙在乎!整个宇宙!我真的希望他们能多关心一点点.你知道吗,我觉得这不是你的问题.这是个畸形的地方.嘿!大家! 哦不,是你的问题.对.哦,真是太可怕了!所有东西都毁了!看这个.我保留这个肯定有什么纪念意义,可现在我都不知道这个是什么!哦,它还是这么软.你觉得这是什么?好吧.我想这是只老鼠.你怎么样,亲爱的?你觉得我怎么样?! 你毁了我全部的童年记忆. 你爱罗斯比我深.而且我刚刚把一只死老鼠贴在自己脸上!甜心,我爱你就象爱罗斯一样! 发生的这一切我很抱歉.我可能从来没对你特别好过,但是这个算是开始吧.这是什么?这是我保时捷车的钥匙.对,你的保时捷车的钥匙.什么?!什么?!!!我早就想把它送出去了.有一次我开着它,在商店的橱窗里看到了我的样子.你妈妈是对的,我看起来象个傻瓜.等一下,你要把你的保时捷车给我,你没开玩笑?!好吧,等等等等,等一下!我是说,就几个破盒子被弄湿了,她就得到了保时捷?!我们出去兜兜风怎么样?好!好吧,那我呢?!我可是医学奇迹啊!!哦耶.啊...啊...哦?嗯-哈.嗨,你们俩!嗨!嗨!你们俩知道钱德的躺椅出什么事了吗?哦对,乔伊把它弄坏了,已经扔掉了.你没开玩笑?!我得到了保时捷而且躺椅被扔掉了?! 这真是最好的一天!
713 The One Where Rosita Dies
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to move Joey’s chair and not having much luck at it as Joey enters.]
Joey: What are you doing?
Rachel: Well, y’know I was thinking of moving the couch over here.
Joey: (laughs) Why would you want to do that?
Rachel: So that there will be a decent place for me to sit.
Joey: Rach, there is a decent place to…
Rachel: And your lap does not count! Okay? Come on help me move this.
Joey: No. No. No.
Joey: No. Rosita does not move.
Rachel: I’m sorry, Rosita? As in…
Joey: As in Rosita does not move.
Rachel: Joey, it’s just a chair! What’s the big deal?
Joey: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it’s at the perfect angle so you don’t get any glare coming of off Stevie.
Rachel: Stevie the TV?
Joey: (glaring at her) Is there a problem?
Rachel: No! (Joey sets his beer and bag of chips down and heads into his room.) Oh what does he know! Come on Rosita, us chichas got to stick together! (She tries pulling on the back of the chair, until the hinge breaks and the back falls off.) You bitch!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are on the couch talking. Phoebe is getting coffee.]
Ross: Hey, y’know what’s weird? After you guys get married, when you introduce me to people you’re gonna have to say, "This is my brother-in-law Ross." Not, "My friend Ross," "brother-in-law Ross." That’s weird isn’t it?
Chandler: Couldn’t I just say, "This is Ross?"
Ross: (disappointed) Sure, do whatever you want.
(Phoebe sits down between Chandler and Ross.)
Monica: (entering, carrying a newspaper) Hey Ross! So, I was checking out the uh, real estate section…
Monica: Look at this. (Hands him the newspaper.)
Ross: Oh, it looks like mom and dad’s house. Oh, it even has a tree with a broken limb out front and the uh, the window in the attic is…Oh my God!!
Phoebe: What? What happened to the window in the attic?!
Monica: I can’t believe mom and dad are selling the house!
Ross: I can’t believe they-they didn’t even tell us!
Phoebe: I can’t believe I still don’t know what happened to the window in the attic!
(Ross calls his parents on his cell phone.)
Ross: (on phone) Uh, hello dad! Monica and I just saw the house in the paper! (Listens) Yes we’re surprised! (Listens) Who did you leave a message with?
Chandler: (knocking on the window while outside) Sorry! (Runs off.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is examining the injury to Rosita while Rachel is apologizing to him.]
Rachel: Joey, Joey I am so sorry.
Joey: I told you not to move it! Rach, how would you feel if say, I wanted to move you mom, and you said don’t, and I did it anyway and her head fell off?
Rachel: Okay, come on—Joey, I’ll buy you a new one! All right? We’ll go down to the store right now and we’ll-we’ll get you a new chair.
Joey: (slowly turning and glaring at her) She’s not even cold yet!
Rachel: But don’t you think Rosita would’ve wanted you to move on? I mean y’know, she did always put…your comfort first.
Joey: That’s true.
(Rachel turns for the door and makes the "Wow!" face.)
Rachel: (grabbing her coat) Okay? You ready?
Joey: Yeah, I… (Shuts off the TV.) I don’t want Stevie to see her like this.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Monica are still going on about the house.]
Ross: I can’t believe we have to say goodbye to the house we grew up in. Man, some-some stranger’s gonna be living in my room.
Monica: Well, after 15 years of mom and dad keeping it as a shrine to you, it’s time the velvet ropes came down.
Ross: They kept your room for a while.
Monica: Oh please! Dad turned my room into a gym 20 minutes after I moved out! I gotta say, a tanning bed and a stack of Victoria’s Secret catalogues, not a gym!
Ross: Come on, you know they love you.
Monica: As much as they love you?
Ross: I was their first born! They thought she was barren! It’s not my fault.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
Phoebe: Ugh, I hate this year!
Ross: What’s wrong with this year?
Phoebe: Well okay, it’s already February and I’ve only given two massages and they were both the worst tippers in the world!
Monica: That was me and Ross.
Phoebe: Oh that’s right!
Ross: Hey, y’know if you want to pick up some extra cash? Some friends of mine made good money doing telemarketing.
Monica: Oh that’s a great idea. You’re really good on the phone.
Phoebe: Yeah and yeah, and it would probably be better than the last telephone job I had. Y’know, I probably wouldn’t have to say spank as much. (Monica and Ross are shocked.)
Phoebe: Oh yeah, like you never called!
[Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is getting shown to her desk by the supervisor.]
Supervisor: So basically this is very easy. You read from the script and try to sell as much toner as you possibly can.
Phoebe: Okay, I can do that! Oh, by the way, I love my office.
Supervisor: (laughs) Why don’t we do a trial run.
Phoebe: Oh okay. Umm, all right. (Picks up the phone and starts reading from the script.) Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please?
Supervisor: I’m the supply manager.
Phoebe: Umm, okay I would like to talk to you about your toner needs.
Supervisor: We don’t need any toner.
Phoebe: Oh okay, well I’m sorry to bother you. Bye-bye. (Hangs up the phone.) Yeah you’re right, this is easy.
Supervisor: Okay, what was wrong with that call?
Phoebe: Oh well, all right…um, no offense, but you were kind of rude.
Supervisor: They’re always going to tell you they don’t need toner, but that’s okay because whatever they say, you can find the answer to it here in this script.
Supervisor: So, I think you’re ready to sell toner, do you have any last questions?
Phoebe: No. (Pause) Oh wait yes! I do, I do have one question. What is toner?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is entering.]
Chandler: Joey! Joe! (Sees that he’s not here and starts investigating. He picks up the bag of chips.) Full bag. (He picks up the beer.) Beer’s still cold. Something terrible must’ve happened here! (He decides it’s not that important; sits down on Rosita, and the back falls off causing him to flip over.) Oh no-no-no-no-no-no! (Runs over to Stevie.) Stevie, I was never here! (Runs out.)
[Scene: Ross and Monica’s parent’s garage, Ross and Monica are arriving to go through their things. Mr. Geller is in the garage.]
Mr. Geller: I’m here!
Ross: (entering with Monica) Hey!
Mr. Geller: Hi. God, it seems like just yesterday you guys used to come out to watch me work.
Ross: Dad, we-we can’t believe you’re selling the house.
Mr. Geller: Well, it’s time for a new family to start their memories here and hopefully their check will clear before they find the crack in the foundation and the asbestos in the ceiling.
Ross: (To Monica) Let’s grab our stuff and get the hell out of here.
Mr. Geller: I’m sorry we can’t store your childhood things anymore.
Monica: Oh, that’s okay, I can’t wait to see everything again! All of the memories…
Mr. Geller: Well, I don’t know what’s in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic.
Monica: I used to love to play restaurant.
Ross: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to play uncooked batter eater.
Monica: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies! (She goes to the attic.)
Mr. Geller: So, I think you’re boxes are over here. (They walk over to them.)
Ross: Wow! Great! (Finds a pack of cigarettes.) Wait, dad who-who’s cigarettes are these?
Mr. Geller: I don’t know. They-they must be your mother’s, but please, please don’t ask her. I’ll throw these away. (He puts them in his pocket as Ross finds something of interest in one of his boxes.)
Ross: Cool! Dad! My report cards! Hey, check this out dad, (reading his grades) Math, A. Science, A. History, A. Gym…(He puts it away and finds something else.) Oooh, my rock polisher!
Mr. Geller: Oh look, look there’s your old makeup kit!
Ross: It’s a clown kit! Clown kit!
Mr. Geller: Well, the white seems to be untouched. (He throws it back into the box as Mr. Geller moves a tarp and makes a discovery.) Uh-oh.
Mr. Geller: Y’know how the garage floods every Spring?
Ross: How are you ever going to sell this place?
Mr. Geller: I think I accidentally used Monica’s boxes to keep the water away from the Porsche.
Ross: Oh no. Dad! Dad! What…(He goes to open one of her boxes and it rips apart.) Oh God…everything’s ruined! Dad, she’s gonna be crushed!
Mr. Geller: You don’t secretly smoke do you?
Mr. Geller: So it’s just your mother then.
[Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is hard at work.]
Phoebe: (on phone) Hi, this Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please? (Listens) Earl, thanks. (Listens) Hi Earl, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies I’d like to talk to you about your toner needs. (She’s reading from the script.)
[Cut to Earl’s office, who is played by Jason Alexander, George from Seinfeld. They cut back and forth between Phoebe’s and Earl’s offices with each of their lines.]
Earl: I don’t need any toner.
Phoebe: I’m hearing what you’re saying, but at our prices everyone needs toner.
Earl: Not me.
Phoebe: May I ask why?
Earl: You wanna know why. You wanna know why?
Phoebe: I surely do!
Earl: Okay, I don’t need any toner because I’m going to kill myself.
(Phoebe desperately tries to find the scripted response to that line.)
Phoebe: (doesn’t have any luck) Umm, is-is that because you’re out of toner?
[Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is still talking to Earl.]
Earl: Okay, so…no toner today. Thanks anyway, bye-bye.
Phoebe: No-no wait-wait! I can’t just let you hang up! Just please talk to me.
Earl: Well…I only have one thing to do today. (He looks at his board in his office that reads, "Today’s Tasks: KILL SELF.") I guess I could push it back.
Phoebe: Yeah! Now, why do you want to kill yourself?
Earl: It’s just that I uh, have been working for ten years now at this meaningless, dead-end job and nobody here even knows I exist!
Earl: I-I’m sorry?
Phoebe: No look, I-I’m sure that people know you exist!
Earl: Oh yeah? I work in a cubicle surrounded by people. I’ve been talking to you for five minutes now about killing myself and no one’s even looked up from their desk. Hang-hang on. (To the people standing around his cubicle.) Hey everybody! Uh, I’m gonna kill myself! (There’s no response; no one even looks up.) I’ll get back to ya. (To Phoebe) I got nothing. Wait. (He sets the phone down.) Uh, hey Marge! (Mimes putting a gun to his head, pulling the trigger, and splattering his brain on the wall behind him. Then points to himself. Marge watches this, then goes back to work.) (To Phoebe) Ehh, nothing. Nothing.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler has replaced Rosita with his chair.]
Chandler: My chair. Now, if anybody asks, your name is Rosita! (He runs out the door, grabs the back of Rosita, and we can hear Joey and Rachel talking as they are coming up the stairs. Neither of them have reached the landing yet.)
Rachel: You will like it!
Joey: No I won’t.
(Chandler runs to check on them coming up the stairs.)
Rachel: You don’t even know!
Joey: Because, I know what I like and what I don’t like! It’s not the same thing!
(Chandler throws the back of Rosita into his apartment and quickly starts pushing the base into his apartment.)
Rachel: Well look, if you don’t like this…(The audience’s laughter at Chandler’s progress cuts out the rest of Rachel’s line.)
Joey: I don’t know why you say that so soon.
(Joey and Rachel reach the landing just as Chandler closes the door.)
Rachel: Come on Joey, I just bought you a new chair! The most expensive one in the store! Hey, y’know what I was thinking? We could name her Francette.
Joey: Francette? What is she? A couch?
(They enter their apartment.)
Joey: Poor thing. Cut down in her prime.
Rachel: Joey, the new chair will be here in an hour. Maybe we should actually move Rosita out of here. Y’know, start the heeling process?
Joey: Well, I guess you’re right. Maybe, maybe I’ll take her down to the incinerator. It’s gonna be so said, and kinda cool. (He goes to remove the back, but it doesn’t come off. So he sits down in it, puts his feet up, stands up, and looks back at it.) She’s heeled!
Rachel: That’s weird.
Joey: No it’s not weird, it’s a miracle!
Rachel: It’s not a miracle Joey! I’m sure there’s some explanation.
Joey: Oh there is! If you want something enough and your heart is pure, wondrous things can happen!
Rachel: Joey, I really don’t…
Joey: (interrupting her) Can you tell me how this happened?
Rachel: Well no.
Rachel: No, y’know what? Maybe somebody came in here and fixed it! Or something!
Joey: Someone like an…angel?
Rachel: That’s right Joey, the chair angel came in and heeled your chair. (She sits down in the chair.)
Joey: (angrily) Get your non-believer ass outta my chair! (She gets up and heads for her room.)
[Scene: The Geller’s Garage, continued from earlier. Ross and Mr. Geller are still deciding what to do.]
Mr. Geller: Well, she’ll understand right? It’s not like I did it on purpose.
Ross: Dad that won’t matter to her. Look, all my stuff is safe and dry and all her is-is, is growing new stuff! See, this is exactly the kind of thing that makes her think you guys love me more than you love her.
Mr. Geller: Oh my God, does she really thinks that?
Ross: Well, can you blame her?
Mr. Geller: Well I don’t know, I-I suppose we may have favored you unconsciously, you were a medical marvel! The doctor said your mother could…
Ross: Dad, dad I don’t want to hear about it.
Mr. Geller: Really?
Ross: Well, not right now. Okay look, Monica came here for some memories and damnit, we’re gonna give her some! Okay, grab…grab some empty boxes. Okay? We’ll-we’ll take stuff from mine and whatever we can pass off as hers we’ll-we’ll put ‘em in their.
Mr. Geller: Great!
Ross: Like uh y’know like this! This! (He picks up one of those art projects that kids make in kindergarten and first grade.) She-she could’ve made this!
Mr. Geller: Sure!
Ross: Right? And this! (He picks up a trophy) She-she could’ve won this!
Mr. Geller: (grabbing a glove) This could’ve been hers!
Ross: Sure! Ooh-ooh, what about this?
Mr. Geller: Your make-up kit? I’d feel better.
(Ross angrily throws the kit into one of Monica’s new boxes.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting the now heeled Rosita as Rachel is sitting in the newly arrived Francette. Francette is one of those new chairs from La-Z-Boy that has and does everything except cook and go to the bathroom for you. It’s got a small refrigerator under one armrest it has phone jacks for the Internet and regular phone, and so much more.]
Rachel: (grabbing a beer out of the chair’s fridge) I am so psyched I kept this chair for myself!
Joey: Yeah, me too. (He flips up his armrest in disgust.)
Rachel: Hey, how’s…how’s the uh, miracle chair?
Rachel: Yeah? Wow! Y’know, that this thing has speakers in the headrest!
Joey: No. Really?
Rachel: Yeah! You can hook it up to your TV and you get radio!
Joey: (quietly) My chair heels itself.
[Scene: The telemarketing office, Phoebe is still trying to talk Earl out of suicide.]
Phoebe: Earl, you’re not hearing me! All I’m saying is that you’re not alone all right? Everybody hates the people they work with! (One of her coworkers overhears that, and she mimes that she didn’t mean him.)
Guy: (walking past Earl’s desk) Hey guy!
Phoebe: Wait, what was that? That sounded like someone being nice to you.
Earl: No! That’s just the "Hey Guy" guy. He says that to everybody! He’s the worst! I’d like to take him with me!
Phoebe: All right so Earl, let’s just forget about the people at the office, okay? There-there’s gotta be someone else in your life worth sticking around for! What about-what about your family, your friends, or maybe your girlfriend?
Earl: (laughs) Yeah! Right!
Phoebe: Oh sorry, boyfriend!
Earl: Oh no.
Phoebe: No, whatever! Anything!
The "Hey Guy" Guy: Hey guy!
Phoebe: Yeah, he’s gotta go.
Earl: Okay, I should, I should probably be getting back to my thing now. See ya. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: No! I’m not finished yet! Don’t! Don’t you dare hang up on me!!!
Supervisor: (walking by and overhearing that) (to the rest of the staff) The new girl’s good.
[Scene: The Geller’s Garage, Mr. Geller and Ross are finishing up recreating Monica’s memories as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey guys! Hey!
Monica: Hey, I just whipped us up some Easy Bake treats, they should be ready in about three days.
Mr. Geller: (overacting) That’s a good one! Do you hear that Ross? Three days!
Ross: (overacting as well) Yeah! Yeah! (Laughs.) Oh, this will make a great memory.
Monica: (wary) Okay. So, which boxes are mine?
Ross: Well, these. These are yours right here. (Pointing to the boxes they just created for her.)
Monica: Okay. (Starting to go through them) Oh! A coloring book! (Holding it up.)
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, oh you loved that thing. You always had it with you. You never went anywhere without-without that coloring book.
Monica: (looking through it) Really? Wow! It looks like I had some trouble staying inside the lines.
Ross: Nu-uh! (Grabs it and examines it.)
Monica: (holding up a glove) Oh, an old glove?
Mr. Geller: Oh, yeah you loved that glove! You took it every place you went. You never went any place without that glove.
Monica: Wow! Look at this! (Picking up a shirt.) I can’t believe I even fit into this shirt! (She holds it up and it reads: Tyrannosaurus Ross.) (She turns it around and looks at it.) Oh, this is yours. (Hands it to Ross.)
Ross: Oh, I don’t know how that got in there.
Monica: (holding up a small cowboy hat) This isn’t mine. (Sets it down and looks at the rest of the boxes.) Hey, this isn’t, this isn’t my stuff! Ugh, Ross! (Grabs and holds up a doll.) These are your boxes! Where are my boxes?
Ross: Umm, your boxes are umm…
Mr. Geller: Well, the garage flooded sweetie and it ruined everything in your boxes. I’m sorry.
Monica: Just mine?
Mr. Geller: I’m afraid so.
Monica: So why-why wasn’t Ross’s stuff ruined? (Pause) And if you say the words medical marvel I’m going to Easy Bake your head!
Mr. Geller: Well, I used your boxes to divert water away from the Porsche.
Monica: So wait, Ross’s stuff is fine, but I have no memories because you wanted to keep the bottom two inches of your car away from water!!!
Mr. Geller: There was also leaves and guk and stuff.
Monica: I can’t believe this! (Storms out.)
Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Screw it! I’m having one. (Takes out and lights a cigarette.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is writing a letter by the bay window as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey Chandler!
Rachel: How would you like to sit in a chair that fully reclines, has a rolling massage, and speakers in the head rest?
Chandler: Yeah, I’d love to but I’ve tried that so many times they won’t even let me in the store anymore.
Rachel: Well what if I told you, you can do it in my apartment?
Chandler: (excitedly) Are you telling me that you bought the chair that is making all other lounge systems obsolete? The chair that Sit magazine called the Chair of the Year?
Rachel: I just purchased the La-Z-Boy E-cliner 3000. (Which is an actual product by the way, I’m not sure about the 3000 part.)
Chandler: That’s awesome! That’s great! What made you do it?!
Rachel: Well, it’s a long story, but umm I broke Joey’s chair…
Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You broke Joey’s chair?
Chandler: I thought I broke Joey’s chair! That’s why I replaced it with mine!
Rachel: Ohhhhh. That’s how it got fixed!
Chandler: Well, what did you think, that-that elves came in and fixed it?
Rachel: Noo! (Laughs) Angels.
Chandler: I’m gettin’ my chair back! (Heads for Joey and Rachel’s.)
Rachel: What? Wh-hey!
(They enter Joey and Rachel’s to find that Joey has broken Chandler’s chair.)
Joey: Well, it looks like it wasn’t heeled after all! Yeah! So, I guess this chair is mine now! (Sits down in it and groans.)
Chandler: Joey you broke my chair!!
Joey: Your chair?!
Rachel: Yeah, he thought he broke your chair so he switched the chairs!
Joey: So, there was no miracle?!
Rachel: No Joe, no miracle.
Joey: (sarcastic) Oh no this is devastating! My faith is shaken. I’m so glad I have the new chair to get my through this difficult time in my life.
Rachel: Uh-huh! Nice try, but you don’t get that chair anymore! All right? That is my chair now! You can sit on my lap! (Joey starts to get up.) No I take that back!
Chandler: I think I should get the chair!
(Rachel and Joey both laugh at that suggestion.)
Joey: How do you figure?
Chandler: Because you (Points to Joey) broke a chair and you (Points to Rachel) broke a chair! The only one around here that hasn’t broke a chair, is me!
Rachel: No-no-no! This chair’s not going anywhere.
Chandler: Well, where’s the logic in that?!
Rachel: The logic is, that there are two of us and we are both strong enough to break a chair in half!
Chandler: So Joey breaks my chair and I get nothing!
(Joey whispers in Rachel’s ear to confirm his response.)
Joey: That’s right!
Chandler: What are you guys? Like a gang or something?!
(They confer again.)
Joey: Yeah! We are!
(Rachel whispers in Joey’s ear.)
Rachel: We’re the Cobras!
[Scene: Earl’s Office, Earl has his head in his hands as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: (to Marge) Excuse me! Can you tell me where I can find Earl? He’s the supply manager around here.
Marge: Sorry, I don’t know any Earl.
Earl: (screaming) I’m right here!!!!
Phoebe: (goes over to his desk) Earl! I’m Phoebe.
Earl: Phoebe? The lady who sells toner?
Phoebe: Umm, look it, you-you can’t kill yourself.
Earl: (exhales) Look, um I really appreciate your coming down…
Phoebe: No-no I can’t! I can’t let you do it!
Phoebe: Because it was fate that made me call you today!
Earl: I thought it was toner.
Phoebe: No! Think about it okay? This isn’t even my regular job! Okay? And my first day on the job, you’re my first call! And-and somebody else might’ve hung up on you, but I wouldn’t do that because I know about this stuff. My mom killed herself.
Phoebe: I’m not gonna give you tips! Look don’t you see that this-this…this all came together so that I could stop you from doing this.
Earl: Couldn’t it just be a coincidence?
Phoebe: No, it’s fate!
Earl: It doesn’t really seem like enough to be fate.
Phoebe: Oh. Well umm, okay here’s a weird thing. My mother was also a supply manager.
Earl: I’m actually the office manager.
Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! And! Get this, okay? Your-your name is Earl, right? Her name was Pearl, P-Earl.
Earl: Well, was there anything else?!
Phoebe: Sure! (Thinks.) Umm, where are you from?
Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! Oh, I’ve got-I’ve got goose bumps. (She holds out her arm.)
Earl: (inspecting it) Really?
Phoebe: Well, y’know I’m wearing layers and it’s warm.
Phoebe: But if—no look, okay. These jerks might not care about you, but the universe does! And that says a lot!
Earl: (To All) Did you hear that?! I don’t need you guys to care about me! Because the universe cares! The whole universe! (Laughs as everyone ignores him.) (To Phoebe) I really wished they’d care just a little bit though.
Phoebe: Y’know, I don’t-I don’t think it’s you. This is a freaky place. (To All) Hey! Guys! (Everyone looks up.) (To Earl) Oh no, it’s you.
[Scene: The Geller’s Garage, Monica is picking through her ruined childhood heirlooms with Ross.]
Monica: Oh, this terrible! Everything is destroyed! Look at this. (She picks up some kind of furry thing.) It obviously meant enough for me to save it, and I don’t even know what it is! Ohh, it’s still soft. (She rubs it against her cheek.) What do you think this is?
Ross: All right. I think it was a mouse.
(Monica screams, throws the mouse down, and rubs her hands on Ross’s sweater to clean them.)
Mr. Geller: (entering) How are you honey?
Monica: How do you think I am?! You’ve wrecked all my childhood memories. You love Ross more than me. And I just rubbed a dead mouse on my face!
(Ross gets up to let his dad sit next to Monica.)
Mr. Geller: Sweetheart, we love you just as much as Ross! Now, I’m sorry about everything that happened and I’d probably never be able to make it up to you, but here’s a start. (He hands her a small box.)
Monica: (opening it) What’s this?
Mr. Geller: It’s the key to my Porsche. Well, the key to your Porsche.
Monica: (shocked) What?!
Ross: (even more shocked) What?!!!
Mr. Geller: I’ve been thinking about getting rid of it. I was driving it the other day and saw my reflection in a store window. Your mother’s right, I do look like an ass.
Monica: Wait, you’re giving me your Porsche, you’re kidding me right?!
Ross: Well w-w-w-w-wait, w-wait, wait, wait a minute! I mean a couple of stupid boxes get wet and she gets a Porsche?!
Mr. Geller: (To Monica) Why don’t we take it for a spin?
Monica: All right!
Ross: Well, what about me?! I’m a medical marvel!!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is sitting in Joey’s lap on Francette, and they’re both groaning.]
Joey: Oh yeah.
Joey: Ahhh…… (To Rachel) Eh?
Monica: (entering) Hey guys!
Monica: Do you guys know what happened to Chandler’s barca lounger?
Rachel: Oh yeah, Joey broke it. Had to get rid of it.
Monica: Are you kidding?! I get a Porsche and the barca lounger’s gone?! This is the best day ever! (Runs out.)