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老友记第七季714 The One Where They All Turn Thirty

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生日快乐!!!瑞秋! 出来!来过生日咯!嘿.她比去年漂亮了!林女士出来之前,有几点声明若能避免“老”、“走下坡路”或者“它们看来依然坚挺”之类的说法,她将感激不尽本来就是嘛!瑞秋! 出来吧! 莫妮做的早餐!巧克力脆皮饼!有礼物给你!送我好东西?都是遵照你两周前给我们开的单子买的收下礼物、还是29岁,行吗?得了,瑞秋,30岁没那么可怕是吗?你满30岁那天也这么豁达?上帝?! 为什么!!我们说好的!让别人变老,放过我!在关岛,我还只有29岁30岁真那么老吗?你知道地球多大岁数?30 好几?你们说说看,是不是只有我才反应过激?不单是你我的30岁生日也够戗。现在轮到钱德!我们都这么老了!为什么这样整我们?!瑞秋, 老天对你不薄工作称心,朋友亲密室友还是肥皂剧明星!我明白,我的生活一帆风顺但是看看周围,那么多人在30岁前得偿所愿怎么和我比菲比!加油!加油! 胜利了!我成功了!骑行弹力球一英里!30岁前,心想事成了!没有遗憾不过我还想和姐姐修好不过,耶~!!姑娘们,这玩意儿真是天赐宝物,懂我意思吗?30,30岁啊!莫妮, 五年级那个刻薄的女老师Kreeger,记得吗?她就是30岁!别这样,咱们乐一乐。今天想玩什么?什么都不想:(~30岁生日啥都不干,也胜过像罗斯那样干蠢事住口!我买的实用品!我买车代步!懂吗?接送孩子!我看来帅吧!罗斯, 跑车?要好看可以在鞋里垫双袜子,那样不是省钱一些?我不是图好看!我一直迷跑车,蓄谋已久要买车这宝贝多大马力?不晓得,但它多炫!你竟买跑车真是的!罗斯, 你发什么神经我晓得我浅薄,但我有点想吃回头草小姐,排队吧你搭个顺风车?上来.给你空前绝后的乘车享受见鬼!好,接下来谁坐?知道吗我今天有计划了我要像老太婆一样闲坐穿洞玩给鼻子和舌头穿个洞什么的当真?! 很痛哦不怕!我是说——呕!贱人!瑞秋,我完全了解你的感受我要过25岁生日了,多可怕请你出去,滚出我的家瑞秋,不管怎样,你还算坚强平心而论,谁过30岁生日不慌张?以你为首啊?你有什么事迹?想被撵出去?小子?戴回去好吗?!莫妮随时可能回家!它弄痛“乔伊结”了(乔伊’s Apple).最后一次告诉你那叫喉结(Adam's apple,以亚当命名)派对真棒,钱德样样东西都好可爱比不上您可爱。您竟有30岁的女儿,匪夷所思!还有您!竟有一件30岁高龄的晚礼服!还不止呢怀上罗斯那次,就有这件礼服作见证哦!快躲起来!我看见她了!她回来了!蹲下!见鬼.你们别动,我去侦察一下嘿!你开门啦!你喝醉了?没有!有点醉.哇!30岁让我有点紧张所以侍者的助手就带我去喝了几杯呆会吐你一身!听好我们在家给你准备了相当正式的生日惊喜派对亲友都在里边!包括你爸妈!不会吧!!!真的!不!!真的!父母从没见过我喝醉!当然他们有所耳闻有办法了你喝杯咖啡醒醒酒,你喝醉的事就会神不知鬼不觉真的?! 你发誓?我来帮你瞒天过海我好爱你你满嘴酒气,我们得想个招敷衍过去你还不是一样!气味是你嘴里来的记住,惊喜派对进去以后做吃惊状懂了惊喜吗!!!倒车!停!前进!停!罗斯,算了前后的车把去路堵死了你的车?其实~我的车!是我的!老兄,你太需要一车傍身添身价了我有高招了我把这辆车放空档你们在这车后推一把,罗斯就能突围了好,开始.快闪!!!!30岁生日快乐!给!献给你的童心,献给你的女人心30岁快乐!你翻来覆去是什么意思?我们过30岁生日啊非也,我们31岁等等!哦,是你啊对,你说什么?!我们不是30岁,31岁了不-啊!是-啊!我的出生证上写得明白你有出生证?我妈死的时候,留了一大盒家什给我我们的妈妈.对对对!有我的出生证吗?卖给瑞典逃犯了天——————————啊!我们31岁了对我的生命,整整损失了一年算是吧.你的中间名叫Pamela?对.我的呢?记得吗?记得!“菲比”“菲比”是我的名好吧,那我忘了开始庆祝之前,莫妮要换上礼服对!走生日快乐, 宝贝!抱一个!杰克,别起身!礼服上的别针会绷开的Paul !Phil.Phil!床上有礼服你表现很好,没有失态怎么了?莫妮有点醉我喜欢莫妮喝醉的样儿!噢ˇ换衣服!她不想让父母察觉那好办只要我喝得烂醉,比莫妮还失态,大家就不会注意到她了,怎么了? Phil醉了? 莫妮烂醉如泥.这样也许派对会更有趣去帮她换衣服!照顾醉裸女,不是一向都由乔伊出马?对.我送的啊!没按单子买,希望你喜欢单脚滑行车!千万要照单子买不要自做主张我喜欢呢!谢谢接下来是我们送的!好.你们结婚以后就可以只送一份礼物?你呢?上次我生日,你送我一个拥抱!快看卡片上的祝词!好.生日快乐、奶奶!过了高峰(超过30岁)总比葬身山脚好爱你的:莫妮和钱德.好有趣别哭!是笑话!我知道!我看明白了,所以说有趣好笑的地方是,你并非祖母对啊,要当祖母,必须结婚生子,而我根本不沾边所以有趣就让你买张卡还这么多事!看谁来了!生日女郎!生日女郎心情如何?我心情很好,但你不怕吓坏其他小朋友吗什么?好!做决定了因为没有丈夫和孩子就沮丧,我真笨我只需要拟个计划我打算要三个孩子我猜,你是想一次生三个,而且给你弟弟生对吧?也就是说35岁前我要有第一个孩子所以我还有5年时间。这个计划妙不可言,我想嫁给这个计划!那我要嫁弹力球如果35岁前要有孩子,34岁前一定要怀孕Prada有四年时间帮我准备孕妇装!但是,我希望在怀孕时至少已结婚一年当真?这么久?你的心愿,在我们身上应验了!所以我33岁结婚也来得及还有三年,整三年不对我需要一年半筹备婚礼订婚前,我还需要对男方有一年或一年半时间的了解所以我得在30岁之前碰见我的未婚夫!那没问题!因为你刚满28岁!不! 罗斯!问题大了!根据计划,我现在应该同我的未婚夫在一起了!该我了!她好象小鹿Bambi学走路哦你醉了!妈妈、爸爸一定会大发雷霆我好象也有醉意好! 端过来!请给我们来点好吗?要一份蟹饼?我不是打过招呼,蟹饼好了直接端给我?好点了?你真帅!我现在、就想和你、在这里、做爱你还是忍一忍的好再撑一下子,好吗然后我就抱你上床睡。保持微笑,免开尊口下面请生日女郎发表生日感言!菲菲!!看见吗?我成了焦点阴谋得逞!我连上衣还没脱呢,就吸引了目光!说两句!莫妮!钱德, 你对她真是爱不释手呢这很甜蜜这很必要感谢大家前来各位亲朋好友哇!!喔!我真想说知道我真想说什么吗?我醉了!!爸、妈,我不再是乖乖女!而且!我以前就大醉过!还吸过一支烟!我的内衣抽屉里还藏着一盒甜食!一切都理所当然,因为我今天满30岁了!我可以为所欲为,我是成年人了!快帮我脱上衣!好!!我损失了整整一年!我不信!这太不公平!菲菲,其实没什么大不了是吗?若你发现你31了,你作何感想?不可能。我和上帝有了新约定我的计划全毁了31岁前的心愿,一样都没达成例如?例如没遇见过葡萄牙人也没有完美之吻也没有上过狙击手培训班!菲比,上楼吃蛋糕好吧?我想单独呆一会好吗?再见,谢谢你们嘿.菲菲好可怜嘿,我有个主意我去送送她哦天!什么?他是奔着蛋糕去的!菲菲! 等等我!闭上双眼你的心愿清单上,可以划掉一条了?是另外我有1/16葡萄牙血统哦哦!都清楚了?我们把它抬起来并移动要有团队精神,懂吗?抬起车来并滑出去抬和滑这不可能抬!和滑!开动各就各位,抬!滑出去!乔伊,我想——别打岔!刚轮到我!我想和Tag谈谈我到外面玩可以吗?随你便,我又不是你妈好!别上街滑!好!嘿感觉好点吗?我很好。咱们谈谈好.恩ˇ怎么了?Tag, 你是个好男人,我们一起很开心,但我不能等一下!我明白你意思了在你宣判之前,能不能让我说两句?说得很好我们那么开心,有吻为证不过我已经过了开心就好的阶段了瑞秋,别急着决定都是30岁生日闹得就是!而你还是个孩子!你才25实际是24天啊!生日愿望?我希望你能大六岁假如真要许愿,我倒希望我能年轻六岁同感抱歉结束了?如果只要两个孩子,能不能把Tag 再留一年?你的决定没错我厌倦这玩意儿了.一群30岁的家伙天,再过10年我们就都40岁,恩?为什么!上帝!这样对我们!哈!宝贝车总算解脱了!好!发动!兜风去!哇喔!我们好帅!你买不买车?不要不要
714 The One Where They All Turn Thirty
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is knocking on Rachel’s door, whose door frame is decorated with balloons. The rest of the gang is there as well. Rachel opens the door and the gang blow on noisemakers.]
Ross: Happy birthday!!!
Monica: Happy birthday!!!
(Rachel glares at them and goes back into her room, closing her door.)
All: Rach! Come on! Rach!
Monica: It’s your birthday!
Tag: (entering from her room) Hey.
Chandler: (To Monica) She’s not as pretty as she was when she was 29.
Tag: Ms. Green would like to establish some ground rules before she comes out. She would appreciate it if you don’t use the words old or downhill or (To Joey) they still look pretty damn good. (Joey smiles and everyone glares at him.)
Joey: They do!
Phoebe: Rachel! Come on out! Monica made breakfast!
Monica: Chocolate-chip pancakes!
(There is no response from Rachel.)
Ross: We’ve got presents!
(She opens the door.)
Rachel: Good ones?
Monica: They all came from the list you handed out to us two weeks ago.
Rachel: Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29?
Joey: Come on Rach! Look, turning thirty is not that big a deal.
Ross: Oh really. Is that how you felt when you turned thirty?
[Flashback to Joey’s thirtieth birthday party. It is being held in Monica and Chandler’s apartment.]
Joey: (screaming) Why God?!! Why?!! We had a deal!! Let the others grow old! Not me!! (He buries his head in Phoebe’s lap for comfort.)
[Cut back to Rachel’s party, everyone is now eating breakfast, except Rachel.]
Rachel: Y’know, I’m still 29 in Guam.
Ross: Hey, 30 is not that old! Do you know how old the Earth is?
Rachel: Late thirties? Oh come on you guys! Is it just me? Am I overreacting to this?
Chandler: No Rach, it’s not just you. My thirtieth birthday certainly wasn’t that much fun.
[Flashback to Chandler’s thirtieth birthday party. It is also being held in Monica and his apartment. He is about to blow out the candles on his birthday cake.]
Joey: (screaming) And now Chandler! We’re all gettin’ so old! (Looking up) Why are you doing this to us?! (Turns away crying.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, breakfast is finished but Rachel’s still down.]
Monica: Rach, you’re in a great place in your life. Come on, you’ve got a great job! Good friends…
Joey: Yeah, you’re roommate is a soap opera star.
Rachel: Look, y’know I know my life’s going pretty well, but I look around and I just see so many people who’ve accomplished so many other goals by the time they’re thirty.
Phoebe: Yeah, but you shouldn’t compare yourself to me.
[Flashback to: The Street in front of Central Perk, Ross and Joey are holding a yellow tape across the road and everyone is cheering Phoebe as she bounces around the corner on a hippity-hop.]
All: Come on Phoebe! You can do it Phoebe! Come on!
Rachel: There you go!
(She crosses the line and they all cheer again.)
Phoebe: I did it! One mile on a hippity-hop! That’s it!! That’s everything I wanted to do before I was thirty. Oh, except I wanted to patch things up with my sister. But oh well. Yay!! (They all cheer again.) And-and girls this thing is a Godsend if you know what I mean. (Rachel and Monica look intrigued and as they all head into Central Perk, Rachel picks up the hippity-hop that Phoebe left behind.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Thirty. Ugh, I mean thirty! Monica, do you remember mean, old Mrs. Kreeger in the fifth grade? She was thirty!
Tag: Come on, let’s have some fun. Huh? (To Rachel) What do you want to do today?
Rachel: Nothing. I don’t want to do anything.
Monica: Well, doing nothing on your thirtieth is better than doing something stupid, like Ross.
Ross: Hey! That was a practical purchase! I needed that car for transportation! Okay? I-I have a child!
[Flashback to: A street, Ross is sitting in his newly purchased MGB. Which is one of the better British sports cars ever made. Of course, ‘better’ is a relative term. Which reminds me of a joke. Why don’t the British make computers? Because they couldn’t figure out how to make them leak oil. Anyway, the gang is all staring at his new purchase.]
Ross: How hot do I look in this, huh?!
Chandler: Ross, a sports car? Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to just stuff a sock down there?
Ross: That’s not what this is about okay? I-I am a sports car enthusiast. I have always been into cars.
Joey: Hey, what’s the horsepower on this thing?
Ross: (giddy) I don’t know, but-but look how shiny!
Monica: I can’t believe you bought this.
Rachel: Really! God Ross, what were you thinking? (To Phoebe, quietly) I know it’s really shallow, but a part of me wants him again.
Phoebe: Oh, well get in line missy. (To Ross) So, can I have a ride stud?
Ross: Hop in. (Phoebe hops in.) Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life.
(He starts the car and surprisingly in fires right up and comes to a nice idle. (Both can be rarities with British sports cars with their lovely Lucas ignition systems, which tend not to work especially in the rain.) Anyway, this being New York he is parallel parked on a street with the car in front of him only inches ahead of his bumper, likewise with the car behind him. He’s completely boxed in and can’t move more than two inches. He tries to get out several times by bumping the bumpers of both cars to no avail.)
Ross: Damnit! (Shuts the car off.)
Phoebe: (getting out) Okay, who’s next?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is pouring Rachel some coffee.]
Rachel: Y’know what? I am going to do something today. I’m not just gonna sit around like some old lady. I’m gonna get something pierced. Like my uh, like my nose or my tongue or something.
Phoebe: Really?! ‘Cause y’know that hurts.
Rachel: So what?! Y’know what? The way I see it—(Phoebe pulls out a hair from the back of her head)—Ow! Son of a bitch!!
Tag: Look Rachel, I know what you’re going through. I’m totally freaked about turning 25.
Rachel: (glares at him) Get out, get out of my apartment.
Monica: All right Rach, for what it’s worth, I think that you’re doing great. I mean y’know let’s face it, no one handles this well.
Phoebe: Least of all you.
Tag: Why? What you’d do?
Monica: Weren’t you asked to leave sonny?
[Flashback to Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Chandler has a bunch of people over in formal wear to give Monica a surprise birthday party. Joey is coming out of the bathroom and removing his tie.]
Chandler: (To Joey) Would you put that back on?! Monica’s gonna be here any minute!
Joey: But it hurt’s my Joey’s Apple.
Chandler: (frustrated) Okay, for the last time. It’s not named for each individual man.
(Joey walks away and Mr. and Mrs. Geller walk up. Mr. Geller is wearing this ancient velvet tuxedo.)
Mrs. Geller: (To Chandler) You’ve done a wonderful job with this party Chandler. Everything looks so lovely.
Chandler: Oh well, not as lovely as you. I mean, I can’t believe that you would have a thirty-year-old daughter! (To Mr. Geller) And you! I can’t believe that you would have a tux that’s thirty years old! (Puts his hand on Mr. Geller’s shoulder.)
Mr. Geller: It’s older than that. Ross was actually conceived right near this tuxedo.
Chandler: Ohh! (He quickly removes his hand and looks at it.)
Rachel: (entering) Hey! Everybody hide! Hide! I saw her! She’s coming!
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Everybody down! Everybody down! (Rachel turns off the lights and everyone crouches. As everyone crouches, a ripping noise erupts from the assemblage.)
Mr. Geller: Crap.
(We hear some fumbling at the door, then silence.)
Chandler: (getting up to investigate) Okay, everybody stay here. I will find out what’s going on.
(He goes out into the hall and finds a very drunk Monica lying up against Joey and Rachel’s door.)
Monica: Heyyy!! You got the door open!! (Giggles.)
Chandler: Hey-hey are you drunk?
Monica: Nooo! (Giggles) Okay. (She tries to pull herself up by Rachel and Joey’s doorknob, but the door opens and she almost falls into the their apartment. She manages to catch herself.) Whoa! (Stands up, unsteadily) Okay. See I was, I was a little nervous about turning (whispering) thirty. (Giggles.) So the bus boys took me out for some drinks. (Pause) I wanna puke on you later!
Chandler: Okay, here is the thing. We have thrown a very formal surprise party for you in there! All of your friends are in there and your parents!
Monica: Noo!!!
Chandler: Yes!
Monica: Noo!!
Chandler: Yes!!
Monica: Oh no! My parents have never seen me drunk! (Pause) That they know of.
Chandler: Okay, here’s the thing. We’re gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that you’re drunk.
Monica: Really?! You promise?
Chandler: Yeah, I’ll take care of it.
Monica: Okay. I love you so much. (Kisses him.)
Chandler: (laughing) Okay we have to do something about your breath.
Monica: What about your breath?! (Breathes on him.)
Chandler: That’s still yours. Okay, now remember it’s a surprise party. So, when you go in, act surprised.
Monica: Okay. I can do that.
Chandler: Okay.
(Chandler opens the door and Monica sneaks up on it. They go inside.)
All: Surprise!!!
(Monica screams and they all stare at her.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross’s birthday, Joey is now trying to get his car out while Ross is directing him.]
Ross: Okay, forward. Forward—Stop! (The car moves an inch and Ross runs to the back of the car.) Okay, back—Stop! (The car barely moves and Ross runs back to the front.) Okay, forward—Stop! Stop! Stop!
Monica: Ross, just forget about it. This guy’s got you totally wedged in.
(A beautiful woman approaches.)
Woman: (To Joey) Is this yours?
Joey: Well actually…
Ross: No-no-no! It’s mine! It’s-it’s mine. (The woman walks away.)
Joey: Dude, you soooo need this car.
Phoebe: (running up) Okay. Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. Okay, I’m gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of his spot. Okay? All right, here we go. (She opens her coat and reveals that thing car thieves use to break into cars as Ross jumps in behind the wheel. She inserts the device, unlocks the door, opens it, and the alarm goes off.) Haul ass!!!! (Runs off.)
(The rest of the gang runs away, except for Ross who’s tramped inside his car. To hide he puts the top up as Monica, Rachel, and Joey come running past.)
[Scene: Phoebe’s birthday, she’s taking the hippity-hop to Ursula’s apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]
Phoebe: Happy thirtieth birthday! Here! (Hands her the hippity-hop.) It’s for the child in you, and the woman. Happy thirtieth!
Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that?
Phoebe: Because it’s our thirtieth birthday.
Ursula: Yeah, no we’re not thirty. We’re 31. Okay. (She closes the door.)
Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.)
Ursula: Oh, it’s you.
Phoebe: Yeah. What?!
Ursula: Yeah, we’re not thirty, we’re 31.
Phoebe: Nu-uh!
Ursula: Yea-huh! That’s what is says on my birth certificate.
Phoebe: You have your birth certificate?
Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.
Phoebe: Our mom.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Right! Okay. (Hands Phoebe her births certificate.)
Phoebe: Do you have my birth certificate?
Ursula: No, I sold it to a Swedish runaway.
Phoebe: (reading the certificate) Oh my God! Oh my God, we are 31.
Ursula: Yeah.
Phoebe: I just lost a whole year of my life.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Okay.
Phoebe: Your middle name is Pamela?
Ursula: Yes.
Phoebe: Well, I never knew mine. Do you remember what it is?
Ursula: Yes! Phoebe.
Phoebe: That’s my first name.
Ursula: Right, okay, then no.
[Scene: Monica’s birthday, it’s just after the surprise.]
Chandler: Okay before we start the celebration, Monica has to go put on her party dress.
Monica: Yay!
Chandler: See? (Does his laugh.) Here we go. (Starts walking her to their room, and has to pass in front of Mr. Geller who’s sitting at the table and Mrs. Geller who’s standing next to him.)
Mr. Geller: Happy birthday, sweetie! Give us a hug! (Starts to get up.)
Mrs. Geller: (stopping him) Don’t get up Jack! The safety pins are about to blow.
(They continue their trek.)
Monica: (sees someone) Paul!
Chandler: (correcting her) Phil.
Monica: Phil!
Chandler: Now, there is a dress laid out on your bed. (Monica stumbles on the steps.) Okay, (catches her) you’re doing great. You’re doing great. You’re doing fine.
(Phoebe approaches as they almost get to their room.)
Phoebe: Hey, what’s going on?
Chandler: Monica’s a little drunk.
Phoebe: Yay! I love drunk Monica!
Monica: Awwwww… (Giggles.)
Chandler: (To Monica) Go change! (To Phoebe) She doesn’t want her parents to know she’s drunk.
Phoebe: Ohh! All right! All right. Here’s what we’ll do, I’ll get twice as drunk as Monica and then no one’s will even notice her.
(Chandler walks over to where the rest of the gang is.)
Rachel: What’s-what’s going on? Phil’s really pissed!
Chandler: Monica’s wasted.
Ross: Maybe that will liven up this party.
Chandler: (To Rachel) Okay, will you just go help her change please!
Rachel: Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for Joey.
Joey: Yep. (Starts for Monica’s room, but Chandler stops him.)
[Scene: Rachel’s birthday, everyone is presenting their presents to Rachel.]
Tag: (handing his to her) This one’s from me.
Rachel: Ahh!
Tag: It wasn’t on your list, but hopefully you’ll think it’s really fun.
Rachel: (opening it) A scooter! (She’s not happy.)
Ross: (to Tag) Stick to the list. Always stick to the list.
Rachel: No! No-no, I love it. Thank you. (Kisses him.)
Chandler: Okay, open ours next. Open ours next!
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: Now that you’re a couple, we don’t get two presents from you guys?
Chandler: For my last birthday you gave me a hug! (To Rachel) Okay, read the card! Read the card!
Rachel: Okay. (Opens the card and reads it.) Happy birthday Grandma! It’s better to be over the hill (starting to cry) then buried under it. (Breaks down as everyone glares at them.) All our love Monica and Chandler. (Crying) That’s funny, yeah!
Chandler: No-no-no-no! That was the joke!
Rachel: (crying) No, I know! I get it! It’s funny!
Chandler: No, because you’re not a grandmother!
Rachel: No I know, because to be a grandmother you have to be married and have children and I don’t have any of those things. That’s why it’s so funny. (Runs into her room crying.)
Monica: All you had to do was buy the card!
[Scene: Rachel’s birthday, a time lapse has occurred. Rachel is coming back into the living room carrying a notepad.]
Ross: Hey! Look who’s back! It’s the birthday girl! How’s the birthday girl feeling?
Rachel: Well, I feel fine, but I think you’re bumming out the rest of the kids.
Ross: What? (Glances over and sees the faces of the rest of the group, then goes and sits down.)
Rachel: Okay! Y’know what? I realized it was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids. All I really needed was a plan. See I wanna have three kids…
Phoebe: Oh let me guess, and you wanna have them all at the same time and you wanna have them for your brother.
Rachel: As I was saying… I should probably have the first of the three kids by the time I’m 35 which gives me five years. I love this plan! I wanna marry this plan!
Phoebe: If you could do that, I’d marry the hippity-hop.
Rachel: So, if I wanna have my kid when I’m 35, I don’t have to get pregnant until I’m 34. Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes! Oh wait, but I do want to be married for a year before I get pregnant…
Monica: Really! That long?! (Chandler slowly turns and looks at her.) (To Chandler) Look all you want, it’s happening!
Rachel: No, so I don’t have to get married until I’m 33! That’s three years, that’s three whole years—Oh, wait a minute though. I’ll need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and I’d like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged… Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I’m thirty.
Ross: Which is fine! Because you just turned—(Removes two candles from the cake)—twenty-eight!
Rachel: No! Ross, no! It is not fine! Eh-eh-according to my plan I should already be with the guy I wanna marry!
(We hear Tag scream out in the hallway and jump into view of the open door on the scooter. He gives a hearty thumbs up to the group and rides off, with Joey following breathlessly behind.)
Joey: Will you quit hoggin’ it!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica’s birthday, Monica is now dressed and is being helped out by Chandler and Rachel.]
Rachel: (To Chandler) I’m telling you it’s like watching Bambi learn how to walk.
Ross: (To Monica) You’re drunk! Mom and dad are gonna be maaaaadd! Maybe I’m a little drunk.
(Monica sits down on the barca lounger.)
Chandler: (to a waiter) Oh that’s great! Right there! Can we get some of that over here please? (The waiter comes over) There we go.
Joey: (to the waiter) Hey! Are those crab cakes? (The waiter nods) Did I not tell ya to come straight to me when more crab cakes were ready?
Chandler: (To Monica) How are you feeling?
Monica: You are so handsome! I wanna make love to you right here, right now! (Growls and pulls him into a kiss.)
Ross: I really wish that you wouldn’t.
Chandler: (To Monica) Now all you have to do is just get through a little bit more, okay? Then we can put you in bed, okay? Just smile and don’t talk to anyone.
Phoebe: (clinking two glasses together) Speech! Speech! Let’s hear from the birthday girl! Huh?
Chandler: Pheebs!!
Phoebe: Don’t you see? Everyone’s looking at me! The plan’s working! I didn’t even have to take off my top yet!
Mrs. Geller: Speech! Come on Monica!
Ross: Come on!
All: Come on! Speech!
(Monica stands up and wobbles slightly and Chandler runs over to catch her.)
Mr. Geller: (filming this) Hey Chandler, you can’t keep your hands off her for one second!
Mrs. Geller: Oh-ho, I think it’s nice.
Chandler: I think it’s necessary. (Backs away anyhow.)
Monica: I-I-I wanna thank you all for coming. My family and my friends…
Phoebe: (screaming) Wooo!! Hoo!!
Monica: I really like to say that I’m-um… (Pause) Y’know what I’d really like to say? I’m drunk!! (Mrs. Geller pulls the camera down.) That’s right mom and dad your little Harmonica is hammered!! (Ross grabs the camera out of his dad’s hands.) And guess what! I’ve been drunk before! And I’ve smoked a cigarette! And I got a box of Ding-Dongs hidden in my underwear drawer! It’s all okay. It’s okay because I turned thirty today. And, and I can do anything I want! Because I am a grown up. (Falls over sideways with Ross filming the fall.)
Phoebe: (To Joey) Okay quick, help me get this off! (Motions to her top.)
Joey: Yeah!!
(Ross pans the camera over to Phoebe.)
[Scene: Phoebe’s birthday, she’s telling everyone what she found out at Ursula’s while sitting in Central Perk.]
Phoebe: I lost a whole year! I can’t believe it! This is so unfair!
Joey: Oh, I don’t know Pheebs. It’ll be okay.
Phoebe: Will it? Will it?! I mean, how would you feel if you found out you were 31?
Joey: That’s not gonna happen. No. (Looks up) Because we have a new deal!
Phoebe: Plus, it totally ruined my schedule! I…I haven’t done any of the things I wanted to do by the time I was 31!
Joey: Like what?
Phoebe: Like okay I-I-I, I haven’t met any Portuguese people! I, I haven’t had the perfect kiss! And I haven’t been to sniper’s school!
Monica: Phoebe, y’know why don’t we just go upstairs and have some birthday cake?
Phoebe: No, I just feel like being by myself for a while. All right? I’ll see you guys later. Thanks. (Gets up and exits.)
Rachel: Hey. (After she leaves.) Oh, poor Pheebs.
Joey: Hey, y’know what you guys? I think I’m gonna go walk her home. (Gets up and runs out.)
Monica: Oh man!
Chandler: What?
Monica: He’s gonna eat the cake!
[Cut outside, Joey is catching up with Phoebe.]
Joey: Pheebs! Wait up! (She stops.) Listen uh, close your eyes. (She does so and Joey passionately kisses her.) Maybe that’s one thing you can cross off your list.
Phoebe: Oh yeah.
(Joey starts to walk away, but stops.)
Joey: Oh, and plus I’m 1/16th Portuguese.
Phoebe: Oh! (Phoebe walks away smiling.)
[Scene: Ross’s birthday, his car is still trapped in it’s spot. Now Joey, Phoebe, and Ross are at the front of the car with Monica, Rachel, and Chandler at the rear of the car.]
Ross: Okay, is everybody clear? We’re gonna pick it up…and move it. Now all we need is teamwork, okay? We’re gonna lift the car…and slide it out. Lift and slide!
Rachel: Ross, I really don’t think…
Ross: (interrupting her) Lift!! And slide!
Chandler: Okay, here we go.
Ross: All right everyone, lift! (They and try to lift the car, of course it doesn’t raise up) And slide!! (Everyone leans over, but the car still does not move.)
[Scene: Rachel’s birthday, she is coming into the hallway where Joey and Tag are playing with the scooter.]
Rachel: Hey Joey, can I…
Joey: Oh, come on Rach! My turn just started!
Rachel: Actually, I just wanna talk to Tag.
Joey: Oh. Okay. Hey, can I ride this outside?
Rachel: Whatever! Okay, I’m not your mother.
Joey: Okay! (Runs off downstairs.)
Rachel: Not in the street!!
Joey: Yes!
Rachel: (to Tag) Hi.
Tag: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Tag: How are you doing? Are you feeling any better?
Rachel: Yeah, I’m doing okay. I’m um…let’s talk.
Tag: Okay. (They sit on the step.)
Rachel: Umm…
Tag: What’s up?
Rachel: Ohh Tag, umm…you’re such a great guy and we have sooo much fun together but I don’t-I don’t…
Tag: Wait! I think I see where you’re going, but before you say anything else, can I just say one more thing? (Kisses her.)
Rachel: Well said. And a uh good example of the fun I was referring to uhh, but I just think I’m past the point where I think I can y’know, just have fun.
Tag: Rachel, don’t do this. This is just because you’re turning thirty.
Rachel: Yeah, it is! But you’re just a kid! I mean you’re 25!
Tag: Twenty-four actually.
Rachel: Oh God! Y’know what I wish? I wish you were six years older. Well actually, if I’m wishin’ for stuff, I actually wish I was six years younger.
Tag: Me too.
Rachel: Yeah, I’m sorry. (They hug.)
[Time lapse, Rachel is entering her apartment after breaking up with Tag.]
Chandler: Hey! How’d it go?
Rachel: Oh, if I only want two kids, can I keep him for another year?
Phoebe: You did the right thing.
Joey: (entering, limping, and holding his arm) I don’t like this anymore. (He sits down with them in pain.)
Chandler: Well, here we are, just a bunch of thirty year olds.
Ross: God, do you realize in ten years we’re gonna be 40?
Joey: (crying) Why God?! Why are you doing this to us?! (He buries his head in Ross’s shoulder.)
[Scene: Ross’s birthday, night has fallen and Joey and Ross are walking by where his car is parked to find that both cars blocking him in have left.]
Ross: Yes! My baby’s finally free!
Joey: All-all right! (They run and jump in the car.) Start it up! Let’s go!
Ross: (starting it) Woohoo!
(Just as they are about to pull away, a big, fat, bald guy pulls up in the exact same car as Ross and stops next to him.)
The Man In The Sportscar: How hot are we? (He drives off.)
Ross: You wanna buy a car?
Joey: No.
(Ross shuts it off and they get out.)
Ending Credits
{Transcriber’s Note: There was no credits scene with this episode.}

End
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