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老友记第七季715 The One With Joey’s New Brain

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感谢你们过来.我们想和你们商量一下婚礼的事情.-有什么问题吗?你还好吗?-只是...Monica说了"婚礼. "我们想你们中的一个可以读些什么.好吧,我想我也可以做这个.也?我还另外给你们准备了些东西.-你能告诉我们是什么吗?-不好意思.我到最后才告诉你们.不管是什么,我希望包括打盹.-嘿.-嘿.我刚和一个DOOL的剧作者聊过---什么是DOOL?-我们的日子(Days Of Our Lives).你们不会相信.我的角色就要清醒了!-真不错呀.-哇哦, Joey.不仅如此.我还会有个新的大脑!真是双喜临门呀.你的工作和你的个人生活都有好处.你会有个新的大脑?你们会杀掉一个角色,把他的大脑移植到我的身体里.什么?大脑移植?那是荒谬的.你三个月里没有性生活才荒谬呢.现在是冬天.街上很少人.他们要把谁除掉?Cecilia Monroe.她扮演Jessica Lockhart.不!她把饮料泼到人脸上是那么的棒.我从来没看她喝完过饮料.还有她扇人耳光.看了之后你不想做吗?别做!她一直都在这部剧集中.很难接她的班呀.等一下,问一个问题.当你完成这个大脑移植手术之后......你将成为她?对,不过是在Drake Ramoray的身体里.你怎么就这么难接受呢?我还以为你是科学家应该没问题呢.Rach, 那边那个男的是异性恋还是同性恋?哦,他太帅了,不太可能是异性恋.刚进来的人会帮我们搞清楚的.好吧,异性恋.而且不太会掩饰自己.他把他的手机忘了.我们可以让Gunther把它放到失物招领处.或者我们可以用它打电话到中国,看看那里的人在干什么.如果他拔打自己的电话,我接了电话......然后我们开始交谈,最后坠入爱河.这是不是很不错的故事?有点像数字时代的童话.听起来很不错.我去拿那个电话.什么?等一下.为什么你可以开展这段童话?我已经很久没有约会了.Phoebe,你三天前才约会过.那不是约会.只是两个朋友在一起,以及....做爱.好吧,我拿电话.不行,你一个礼拜前才和Tag分手.没错,直到现在,我还不认为我会再次恋爱.-装得不错.-等等.我们怎样才能公平的决定谁拿手机呢?我不知道.也许我们可以....啊哈!太慢啦!啊哈!太自信啦.我和他约会.你阻止不了这一切.好吧.来说说吧你想象你对Charles那样杀害他吗?哦,我的宝贝.停!拍的真棒. 那记耳光是那么真实.您是怎么做到的?-哦,只是多年的经验.-有人能给我些冰块吗?!我只想对你说你是多么的棒.你不是那个快死的影迷吧?我是Joey Tribbiani.我们昨天一起拍过戏的.-我就是那个昏迷的人.-哦,那是真人?当你离开剧集的时候,我会得到你的大脑......我很希望我能不能---我要离开剧集?-为什么?你听说什么了吗?谁告诉你的?-一个剧作者.-是那个秃的还是高的?要知道,这没什么关系,因为这不会是真的.好吧.如果不是真的,你怎么敢跑到我这里问角色的技巧.我已经演了二十年了!Monroe女士--好吧,干的不错.好吧,我有个主意.为什么我们不看看他手机的快捷键有什么号码...谁和他有更多共同点的得到手机.-好吧.-好吧.第一个快捷键的名字是"妈妈. "哦,我妈妈自杀死的.你不能用这个理由又得到帅哥又拿最后一个松饼.我今天已经用这个理由啦? 对不起." Ben, Carlos, David--"哦,我赢啦!他电话里有个Barney的快捷键.你不知道Barney是不是那个商店呀.那可能是他朋友的房子,或酒吧.谁会把商店的号码放在自己的手机里?他的新女友会.那是什么声音?我猜想是快死的猫们在游行.好像是从对面街传过来的.-哦,天呀.-怎么啦?记得Ross说要在婚礼上做些事吗?他曾经和我聊天,对我说,"你有一半苏格兰血统,是吗? "不,不可能.那不可能是Ross.真不敢相信.为什么你们家族是苏格兰的?为什么你们家族有Ross这样的?他不能在婚礼上演奏.不要呀,那只是噪音!连歌都不算.等等,如果你仔细听得话...... 我想那是Kool and the Gang写的"庆祝曲".你是对的.他们将让我离开剧集.他们不知道具体的时间,但是很快......就会到来.如果是我来决定,你不应该离开剧集的.-谢谢.-我是认真的我不敢相信他们这样对你.还有你的影迷.他们会伤透了心.他们是这么喜爱你..你是对的.谢谢你.你叫什么名字来着?-Joey.-谢谢你.你的安慰真好.瞧,我来见你的唯一原因......是因为......我对要成为你很紧张.如果你能帮我抓住角色的精髓....就可以继续让Jessica活下去.求你了?Joey,我会帮你的.不是因为我欠这个愚蠢的电视剧......而是因为我欠Jessica的.-哦,太感激了.-不客气.我看过些录像带.这样怎么样?Jessica Lockhart永远不会再来这里!永远!Jessica没有英国口音.我可以说英国口音?我的简历里又可以添一笔.-嘿,你好吗?-很好.记得我们在咖啡厅...我们决定了我拿那个帅哥的手机吗?记得我把它放到我的包里,所以它响的话,我就可以接了吗?你有没有记得你打开我的包,把手机偷走之类的事?哦,我不明白.-你偷了手机.-不,我没有.那就是说如果我打电话的话,这里不会听到它的铃声咯?-不会.-好吧.在你打电话的时候,我给你看看我的会响的手袋.瞧,它响了.-Phoebe.-那是另一个电话.哦,是吗?你好. 你好.请问Rachel在吗?是的,她在.请等一下.这是我的!该死的证据.哦,天呀,我想是他.我的数字童话就要开始了.你能不能不要老是这样做?你好? 是的,我是找到你电话的人.-Phoebe,你不能-嘘,我在打电话.是的,你可以今晚来拿.8:30如何?在我的公寓.是14号公寓,Morton街5号.之后,恩,你知道的,我们能不能出去吃点东西或干什么.好的,好的,到时见,拜拜.他来的时候我会在这里.你怎么知道他来的时间?你刚刚说的.噢.这个角色的精髓所在之处是她的自信.举个例子,当Jessica进到房里,...她掌握着房里的......一切事物.-你试试.-好的.他不是对房子生气.再试试,他掌握着,他掌握着一切.一切都是他的.他掌握着!有点古怪,但是有提高.我会想念这个女人的.我不知道我将来该干什么.这是我生命中的20年呀.嘿,也许这是好事.这给你一个机会重新开始,扮演不同的角色.你是这么有天赋.也许我几年前,在有传言的时候就该离去了....... 但是我当时刚刚在这里感到满意....我拒绝了些很不错的工作.比如什么?好吧,假设15年前我就离去...今天,墨西哥电影院里放映的就会完全不同的.哇哦.但是现在,已经是不同的时期了.嘿,不要这样子.我来告诉你些事情?当我在看你拍摄的时候,我在想"她真是一位伟大的女演员. "同时我也在想, "她真性感. "你认为我性感?你掌握着一切.我们也许该....是呀,我们也许该--当Jessica吻一个男人的时候......她通常会把......她的双手放在那个男人的脸上.我注意到了.是因为她很充满热情?不,是因为这样做的话,镜头里就只能看到她.你想试下吗?是的,好的.做的不错,做的很不错.但我想你的手可能,应该稍微放下来点. 他们应该-我想还是要点小吃吧.你想要点短面包吗?是苏格兰的,和你一样.不,谢了.我不喜欢和我苏格兰血统有关的东西.什么?当我们整个家族被......维京海盗赶出苏格兰之后.听起来好像你们家族打算寻根呀.你不能在婚礼上吹风笛!你们怎么知道的?-我们从我们公寓听到你的吹奏.-是你们叫的警察?这个现在不重要.重要的是,我们很接受你的好意......我们只是觉得风笛不适合在我们婚礼上吹奏.-为什么?-因为我们讨厌它.给我个机会在你们面前表演一下,再由你们决定.我不会告诉你们我要演奏什么.当演奏完之后......那会是"庆祝曲"的一段.嘿,嘿!是哪位?我是Don.我来拿我的电话.你为什么要应门?-为什么我不行?-因为这是我的公寓.那就由我给他电话.好吧,祝你好运,慢慢解释下打到中国的电话.嘿.哇哦,我们争论了多久?你不是那个丢手机的人呀.-不,他是我的助手.-他会来吗?不.-你能不能稍微等一下?-好的.我们就回来,先生.-我们该怎么做?-我不知道.你能相信吗?我们在等一个性感的人来,结果出现一个更性感的.我明白--什么?Rachel, 听我说......如果你让我和他约会,我真的欠你一个人情.好吧.好吧,我让你和他约会.但是你欠我一个很大的人情.你们中哪一位和我出去吃晚餐?是我,先生.真棒.好了,你现在完全掌握那个地方了.事实上,我租了这套房子.我明白你的意思了,谢谢.-嘿.-嘿.我的天那.我的天那.哦, Jessica Lockhart!在我的公寓里!我是你的忠实影迷!我是你的忠实影迷!很高兴知道--Monica!这是我的室友, Rachel.这就是为什么有女式内衣了.当然..天呀,这是真的!你能赏脸下吗?当然.你能不能扇我一耳光?我很乐意,但是我律师说我不能再这么做了.好了,走吧.不,再等等.-你是个愚蠢的贱人.-我真的不能扇你.-天呀,你是这么棒.-谢谢你们的过路访问.-我很抱歉.-不.被人崇拜着,我经常碰到这样的事.不用担心.-天那.-什么?这是我今天的剧本.他们从没有给我送过剧本.-他们没有?-我在昏迷中呀.这就意味着我有台词了.噢.是怎么发生那件事的?你从马上摔下,撞到电网.什么?Jessica不喜欢马.这之后她也不会喜欢电的.松开妈妈的马的缰绳真是聪明呀,Fredrick.还有电网,真是机灵呀.谢谢你,小甜心.我还不敢相信她真的死了.瞧我们周围,一切都是我们的.我不这么认为.你是谁?怎么啦, Dina?你认不出你自己的......妈妈吗?停! 演的不错,各位.谢谢.演的真不错!我认为你演的Jessica比我还好.-噢,不是的-当然不错, 但是你演的不错.谢谢.好消息. 我得到另一份工作了.真好!是什么?在Guadalajara拍的一部电影.是机场?不,那是LaGuardia.-是在墨西哥.-噢,哇哦.那么,你要去多久?8个月.-是很长的一段时间呀.-是的,但是你可以来看我.我到时可以掌握某些地方.是呀,我也许应该先在那里买套房子.我明白你的意思了.这真的---很狡猾.-是很狡猾.祝你好运.你也是.现在,记住,你们要想象着我穿着苏格兰短裙.1,2,3,4!你们知道这首歌,一起唱呀!怎么样?不行!
715 The One With Joey’s New Brain
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are sitting around the table.]
Monica: I’m glad you’re here, we have a couple of things to ask you about the wedding ceremony.
Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh…
Ross: What’s the matter? You okay?
Rachel: Yeah, it’s just y’know…
Chandler: (To Ross) Monica said wedding.
Monica: Uh, so anyway, we thought one of you could read something during the ceremony.
Rachel: Oh! I would love to read a poem.
Chandler: Do you think you could get through a poem?
Rachel: (crying) It’ll be a short one.
Monica: Okay, so Ross will be doing the reading.
Rachel: Ohhh…
Ross: Okay. Yeah, I guess, I guess I could do that too.
Chandler: Too?
Ross: Yeah, I kind of uh, have something else planned for you guys.
Monica: Do you mind telling us what it is?
Ross: Sorry, I’m kinda keeping this one on the Q.T.
Chandler: Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking. (Winks in a spy-type manner.)
Joey: (entering, excited) Hey!
All: Hey!
Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and…
Monica: What is DOOL?
Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, you’re not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!!
All: Oh!!
Chandler: That’s great!
Joey: And-and-and not only that, I’m gettin’ a new brain!!
Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!
Rachel: Wait, what do you mean you’re getting a new brain?
Joey: Oh well, they’re killing off one of the characters on the show, and when she dies her brain is being transplanted into my body.
Ross: What? A brain transplant?!
Joey: (seriously) Yes, it’s a highly controversial procedure.
Ross: It’s ridiculous!
Joey: Well, I think it’s ridiculous that you haven’t had sex in three and a half months.
Ross: (to Monica and Rachel) It’s winter, they are fewer people on the street. (Rachel and Monica smile and nod, knowingly.)
Monica: Who are they killing off?
Joey: Uh Cecilia Monroe, she plays Jessica Lockhart.
Rachel and Monica: Noo!!
Monica: She’s my favorite character on DOOL.
Joey: Nice.
Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in people’s faces, I mean I don’t think I’ve ever seen her finish a beverage.
Monica: And the way she slaps all the time!
Rachel: Oh!
Monica: Wouldn’t you love to do it just once?! (Raises her hand towards Chandler.)
Chandler: Don’t do it.
Rachel: Cecilia Monroe man, what a great actress.
Joey: Oh, tell me about it. And she’s been on the show forever, it’s gonna be really hard to fill her shoes.
Ross: Yeah-yeah, help me out here, when you come out of the "brain transplant," you are going to be her?
Joey: Yes, but in Drake Remoray’s body. (Ross laughs unbelievably.) Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch in Central Perk]
Phoebe: (Clears Throat) Rach, so, that guy there. Straight or gay?
Rachel: (They both look behind them.) Well, I'd have to say gay.
Phoebe: Yeah? Why?
Rachel: Well mainly because he's kissing that other guy.
Phoebe: Oh no not that guy there. That guy right there. (Pointing to an attractive man sitting at a table behind them.)
Rachel: Oh yeah he's too cute to be straight.
Phoebe: (A woman with large breasts walks in the door) Ohh knockers will help us figure it out. (She walks by and he checks her out.)
Rachel: All right, straight, and not subtle. (The man gets up and leaves.)
Phoebe: Ohh, he left his cell phone.
Rachel: Oh, well, we can hand it to Gunther and he'll put it in lost and found.
Phoebe: Or we could use it to call China. See how those guys are doing.
Rachel: What if, um, if he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it and I answer and we start talking and we fell in love. I mean wouldn't that be a great story? Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age.
Phoebe: Yeah… That does sound great. I'm going to get the phone. (They both get up.)
Rachel: What? Wait! Why…why do you get the story?
Phoebe: I don't know. I haven't been out on a date in so long.
Rachel: Phoebe, you had a date three days ago.
Phoebe: That wasn’t a date! That was, that was just friends getting together…(quietly) having sex.
Rachel: Okay. Okay, see? I get the phone.
Phoebe: No way! No way! You just broke with Tag a week ago.
Rachel: Yeah! (Breaking up) And until now, I didn’t think I’d love again.
Phoebe: Nice try.
Rachel: Oh hey-hey wait! How do we fairly decide who gets the phone?
Phoebe: I don’t know.
(They edge closer to the phone on the table.)
Rachel: Well umm, maybe we could uhh… (Grabs the phone) Ah-ha! Too slow!!
(She holds the phone out and starts taunting Phoebe. Phoebe calming knocks the phone out of Rachel’s hand and catches it.)
Phoebe: Ah-ha! Too cocky!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is watching Jessica Lockhart perform a scene.]
Dina: I’m going to keep dating him Mother, and there’s nothing you can do about it!
Jessica Lockhart: Oh yes there is!
Dina: What are you going to do? Kill him? Like you did with Charles?!
Jessica Lockhart: (gasps) That was an accident! And so were you.
Dina: Well, at least I’m not a murderer! (Jessica slaps her.)
Jessica Lockhart: (crying) Oh, my baby! (Hugs Dina, but moves Dina’s head to her other shoulder so that she’s the only one in the picture.)
The Director: Cut!
(Joey walks up to Cecilia Monroe who plays Jessica.)
Joey: That was a great scene! And-and-and that slap looks so real! How do you do that?
Cecilia: Oh, just years of experience.
Dina: (crying) Can I get some ice here?!
Joey: Oh anyway, I just wanted to say how wonderful I think you are.
Cecilia: You’re not the fan who’s dying are you?
Joey: Say what?
Cecilia: I’m supposed to meet and hug a fan whose dying, but that’s not supposed to be until (to no one in particular) later!
Joey: No. No, I’m Joey Tribbiani; we did a scene together yesterday. I-I’m the guy in the coma!
Cecilia: Oh that was a real person?!
Joey: An-an-anyway I-I just wanted to say that since I’m getting your brain when you leave the show, I was wondering if there was any tips you can give me…
Cecilia: I-I-I’m leaving the show?
Joey: (quickly) I don’t know. Why? Did you hear something?
Cecilia: Who told you that?
Joey: Oh uh, one of the writers.
Cecilia: Which one? Was it bald or was it tall?
Joey: Umm…
Cecilia: Y’know what? It doesn’t matter! Because it is not true!
Joey: Okay.
Cecilia: And if it were true, how dare you come to me ask me for tips about a character that I’ve been playing for 20 years—I’ll give you a tip! (She throws her drink in his face.)
Joey: Ms. Monroe… (She slaps him) Oh there you go. (She storms off, leaving Joey standing next to Dina. They share a nod at the ferocity of the slap they just received.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still arguing over the phone.]
Rachel: No Phoebe! You cannot get the phone that way; that’s not fair! Okay look, I have an idea. Why don’t we, why don’t we see what kind of number he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And then whoever does gets the phone.
Phoebe: Or, we can decide by whose ever name is closer to the word phone.
Rachel: I don’t think so.
Phoebe: (handing Rachel the phone) Fine all right, but I’d bet you’d be singing another tune if we were fighting over a ratchet.
Rachel: (checking the speed dial) All right, first name on the speed dial is mom.
Phoebe: Ohh, I lost my mom to suicide.
Rachel: Okay no way, you cannot use that to get the cute guy and the last blueberry muffin.
Phoebe: Did I use that already today? I’m sorry.
Rachel: Yes okay. (Checking the speed dial again.) Well now see this isn’t telling us anything. (Reading the speed dial) Joe. Carlos. Peter. Ooh! Peter Luger! T hat’s a steak house!
Phoebe: Okay, a meat eater. Fine, that’s one for you.
Rachel: (looking at the speed dial) Oh, I win! He’s got Barney’s on his speed dial.
Phoebe: So you don’t know that’s Barney’s the store! That can be y’know his friend’s house, or a bar. Who has Barney’s the store on their speed dial?
Rachel: (showing Phoebe her phone) His new girlfriend!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch, when they start to hear a horrible screeching noise. It sounds like someone is skinning a cat.]
Monica: What is that?
Chandler: I think it’s the dying cat parade.
Monica: It sounds like it’s coming from across the street.
Chandler: (turning around and looking) Oh my God!
Monica: What?
Chandler: Y’know that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?! He was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, "You’re half Scottish right?"
Monica: Nooo!!
Chandler: Yes!!
[Cut to Ross’s apartment, he his playing the Bagpipes, badly. He’s worse than that whole keyboard thing a few years ago.]
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier. They both get up and move to the window.]
Monica: No, there is no way! It can not be Ross! (She looks through the window and sees Ross practicing and fumbling around with the pipes.) Unbelievable! Why is your family Scottish?!
Chandler: Why is your family Ross?!
Monica: He cannot play at our wedding! I mean everyone will leave! I mean come on, that is just noise! It’s not even a song!
Chandler: If you listen very carefully, I think its Celebration by Cool and the Gang.
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is putting out some Sunflower seeds as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel: How are ya?
Phoebe: Good.
Rachel: Umm Pheebs, remember when we were in the coffee house we decided that I was going to keep the uh, the cute guy’s cell phone?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: And remember how I said I was going to keep it in my purse so that if it rang I could just pick it up?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: And do you remember going into my purse and stealing the phone?!
Phoebe: Ooh, now you lost me.
Rachel: You stole the phone!
Phoebe: No I didn’t!
Rachel: No? So you’re saying that if I called it, it wouldn’t ring?
Phoebe: No.
Rachel: Umm, okay. But while you dial, let me show you the features of my new ringing handbag. (Rachel dials her phone and Phoebe’s bag starts to ring.) Oh, it does work! (Rachel grabs the phone and takes it out of Phoebe’s handbag.)
Rachel: Phoebe!
Phoebe: That is a different phone.
Rachel: Oh is it?! (She answers the cute guy’s phone.) Uhh, hello? (On her phone) Yes hi, is Rachel there? (On the other phone) Yes she is, just one moment please. (To Phoebe, holding out both phones.) It’s for me!
Phoebe: That is damning evidence.
(The cute guy’s phone rings.)
Rachel: Oh my God! I bet that’s him. My digital fairy tale is about to begin. I wonder how I should be? Should I be uh (In a sexy voice) Hello? Or should I be (Happily) Hi! It’s Rach… (Phoebe knocks the phone out of Rachel’s hand, catches it, and answers it.) Would you stop doing that?!
Phoebe: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yes, I’m the one who found your phone.
Rachel: Phoebe! You can’t do th…
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Shhh! I’m on a call! (On phone) Umm well yeah, you can pick it up tonight, say 8:30? At-at my apartment. It’s umm, it’s umm 5 Morton Street, Apartment 14, umm and then maybe y’know after we can grab a bite to eat or whatever. (Listens) Okay, well okay I’ll see you then. (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up.)
Rachel: You do know that I will be here when he comes over.
Phoebe: Oh? And how will you know what time to come over?
Rachel: You just said it!
Phoebe: Oh. Okay, well I-I was kinda hoping that I would just…be alone y’know to think about my mom and her suicide.
Rachel: Oh Phoebe!
Phoebe: What?! That’s the first time today!
Rachel: Ohh! (Exits.)
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Dina is at the craft services table getting some food as Joey walks up.]
Joey: So you like the nachos uh? Myself I’m partial to…
Dina: (interrupting) I’m 16.
Joey: See you in 2003. (She walks away.)
Cecilia: (walking up) You’re absolutely right they are writing me out of the show. They don’t know exactly when it’s going to happen, but apparently going to be very soon and that’s it.
Joey: I’m so sorry. Look, if it was up to me you would never leave the show.
Cecilia: Yeah, thanks.
Joey: No I mean it! I can’t believe they would do this to you! And to your fans! I mean they are going to be devastated! Heart broken! They love you so much!
Cecilia: Oh you’re right. Thank you! What’s your name again?
Joey: Joey.
Cecilia: Joey, well thank you. That is so sweet. Oh, excuse me. (She throws her drink on a passing writer.)
The Writer: It wasn’t my decision!
Cecilia: (to him) I’m having a conversation here! (To Joey) You were saying?
Joey: Uh yeah-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye—l-l-l-l-l-look the-the-the only reason that I, that I came up to you before was because well, I’m really nervous about-about being you. Y’know if you can help me capture the essence of the character. Y’know? Help me keep Jessica alive. Please?
Cecilia: All right Joey, I will help you. Not because I-I owe it to this stupid show, but because I owe it to Jessica.
Joey: Oh that’s great! Oh thank you so much!
Cecilia: You’re so welcome.
Joey: Hey! Now, I’ve been watching some tapes, how’s this? (In a British accent.) "Jessica Lockhart will never step foot in this place again! Ever!!"
Cecilia: Is that supposed to be me?
Joey: Yeah.
Cecilia: Yeah but Jessica doesn’t have an English accent.
Joey: (shocked) I can do an English accent?! That baby’s going on my resume!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting on the armchair.]
Chandler: Well, I feel like a snack!
Monica: Do you want some shortbread? Eh that’s Scottish like you are.
Chandler: Oh no thanks. I don’t like any thing from my Scottish heritage.
Ross: What?!
Chandler: Well it’s just my entire family was run out of Scotland by…Vikings. Anyway, lots of bad memories. (Makes a few unintelligible noises.)
Ross: Oh well, it sounds to me like your family is ready to uh, rediscover its Scottish roots.
Monica: No! No-no they’re not. They’re still very angry! But y’know Chandler is also half-Swedish. You know what the Swedish people are famous for? Sitting down and being quiet.
Ross: Well yeah-yeah the Scottish history is so much more…
Monica: (interrupting) You can not play bagpipes at the wedding!!
Ross: How did you know about that?!
Chandler: We heard you play all the way from your apartment!
Ross: Were you the ones called the cops?!
Chandler: That’s not really important right now. What is important is; while we appreciate the gesture, we just don’t feel bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.
Ross: Why not?
Chandler: Because we hate them.
Ross: Come on that’s not fair! I mean you haven’t even heard me play!
Chandler: We have heard you play.
Ross: No, you’ve heard my practice. Okay? Just-just give me a chance to perform for you and then decide whatever you want. And I’m not going to tell you what song I’m gonna play either. But uh, let’s just say when it’s over I’ll bet there will be a we bit o’ celebration.
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is getting pointers on how to play Jessica Lockhart.]
Cecilia: So, the essence of the character is rooted in her confidence. So, when Jessica enters a room for instance, she owns everything and every person in that room. (Joey is nodding.) You try.
Joey: Okay! (He scurries out the set door and re-enters, extremely impressed) All right!
Cecilia: No, he already knows that he owns everything in the room! He’s not finding it out for the first time! So, try it again.
Joey: Okay. Okay. (He goes out and comes back in, glaring at everything.)
Cecilia: Right. He’s not angry at the room either. Try it again, he owns it! He owns the room. It is his. He owns, owns, owns, owns the room! He owns it!! (Joey gets a snooty look on his face.) All right, it’s a little weird, but it’s getting better. (Joey is pleased.) Oh well, I’m gonna miss this woman so much. I don’t know what I’m going to do! I mean, it’s been 20 years of my life.
Joey: Oh well—Hey-hey! Maybe, maybe uh, maybe this is a good thing. Y’know? It’ll-it’ll give you a chance to shake things up, play different characters. You’re so talented.
Cecilia: I am. I am, but I don’t know you know. An actor of a certain age is not that easy.
Joey: Hey that’s not true! Look at uh, look at Angela Lansb—Angelina Jolie!
Cecilia: I probably should’ve just left years ago when the offers were pouring in, but y’know I just got so comfy here! And… Ohh, I turned down some amazing work!
Joey: Like-like what?
Cecilia: Well, let’s just say if I left 15 years ago, the landscape of Mexican cinema would be very different today!
Joey: (impressed) Wow!
Cecilia: But… Well now, now’s a different time for me. (Starts to cry.)
Joey: Oh hey come on, don’t-don’t-don’t do this! Umm, look let-let me tell you something, okay? Now when I watch you do a scene, I’m thinking, "Boy, she-she is a great actress!" (She’s not buying it.) Uh but-but, I am also thinking, "She is hot!"
Cecilia: (intrigued) You think I’m hot?
Joey: You own the room. (She smiles and stares longingly into his eyes.) We should probably get-get uh…
Cecilia: Oh yeah-yeah, we should get the… (Pause) So when Jessica kisses a man, she usually puts umm, both her hands on the man’s face. (She does so.)
Joey: Yeah-yeah, I noticed that! Is that ‘cause she’s so passionate?
Cecilia: No! It’s because that way the camera only sees her! (She takes her hands off his face.) Do you wanna try it?
Joey: Yeah! Okay. (He puts his hands on her face and they kiss.)
Cecilia: That was good, that was really good. But I-I think your hands maybe a little off, they should be maybe right like… (She grabs the back of his neck and kisses him passionately causing them to fall onto the couch.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are waiting for the cute guy to show up for his cell phone. Rachel is putting on perfume by spraying it ahead of her face, and moving into it. Phoebe tries to steal some.]
Rachel: Hey! Hey!
(There is a knock on the door.)
Phoebe and Rachel: (simultaneously) Who is it?
Guy: Hi! It’s Tom, I’m here to pick up the phone.
(Rachel excitedly jumps up and heads for the door.)
Phoebe: Whoa! Why do you get to answer the door?
Rachel: Well why shouldn’t I?!
Phoebe: Because it’s my apartment!
Rachel: Well, then I get to give him the cell phone.
Phoebe: Okay. All right. (Hands her the phone.) Good luck explaining all the calls to China.
(Phoebe opens the door and Tom, an older gentleman with white hair, enters.)
Tom: Hi!
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wow! How long were we arguing for?
Rachel: (laughs) You’re not the man who left the cell phone.
Tom: No that’s my assistant.
Rachel: Is-is he coming? (Looks hopefully out the door.)
Tom: Umm, no.
Phoebe: Could you-could you umm, give us one second?
Tom: Sure!
Rachel: We’ll be right back sir.
Tom: Sure.
(They walk into the living room.)
Phoebe: Wh-what do we do?
Rachel: I don’t know!
Phoebe: Can you believe this? (Rachel exhales in amazement.) We were waiting for a hot guy and then an even hotter one shows up!
Rachel: I know! (Realizes what Phoebe said.) What?!
Phoebe: Hmm, they just don’t make ‘em like that anymore!
Rachel: (turning and looking at Tom again) No-no they do but, you just have to wait.
Phoebe: Rachel, listen—I mean, if you let me have him then I will really owe you one.
Rachel: (fake disappointment) All right. All right Phoebe I will let you have him, but you owe me; you owe me big!
Phoebe: Yeah! You’re such a great friend!
Rachel: Ohh…
Tom: So, which one of you lovely ladies am I going to take to dinner huh?
Phoebe: Oh that’d be me. Sir. (Hands him the cell phone.) After you.
Tom: Okay. Okay. (Exits and Phoebe checks him out.)
Phoebe: (whispering) Nice!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Cecilia is entering the living room from Joey’s room followed by Joey.]
Cecilia: Well, you certainly own that room.
Joey: Actually I rent the whole place and, I just got what you meant. Thank you.
(She laughs as Rachel enters.)
Rachel: Hi.
Joey: Hey!
(Rachel stops dead in her tracks when she sees whom Joey is with.)
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!! Ohh, Jessica Lockhart!! In my apartment!! I am such a huge fan! I am such a huge fan!
Cecilia: Well, it’s nice to know that you…
Rachel: (screaming) MONICA!!!! MONICA!!!! (Runs to Monica’s.)
Joey: That uh, that is my roommate Rachel.
Cecilia: Oh that explains all the women’s underwear.
Joey: (shrugs) Sure. Yep.
Monica: (entering with Rachel) Oh my God! It’s true!! Oh my God you are so amazing! Oh my God, can I just ask you to do me oh, just one favor?
Cecilia: Certainly.
Monica: Would you slap me? Would you slap me right here in the face?! (Points to her cheek.)
Cecilia: I’d love to, but my lawyer said I can’t do that anymore.
Rachel: God. You seem really, really nice.
Joey: Okay, bye-bye.
Rachel: I mean n-not-not fake at all like most famous people.
Joey: All right, here we go. (He grabs them and starts to pull them out of the apartment.)
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: (breaks away) Oh wait, just one more thing! One more minute! (To Cecilia) Umm, you’re a stupid bitch.
Cecilia: I really can’t slap you. (Monica walks away angrily)
Rachel: You are so beautiful.
Monica: Nice to meet you! My God you’re great!
Joey: Thanks for stopping by. See ya! (Throws them out and closes the door.) (To Cecilia) I-I am so sorry. I…
Cecilia: Oh no-no-no-no, being adored. I’m used to it, don’t worry about it.
Joey: (notices something in the mail that Rachel brought in) Oh my God!
Cecilia: What?
Joey: They sent me today’s script! They never send the script!
Cecilia: They don’t?
Joey: Well no, I’m just in a coma. This must mean I have lines! (Realizes what that means.) Oh…
Cecilia: How does it happen?
Joey: (flipping to the last page) Ew, you get thrown from a horse into an electric fence.
Cecilia: Ah what?! Jessica hates horses!
Joey: Yeah well, I’m guessing after this she’s not going to be crazy about electricity either.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool and the Gang on the bag pipe.]
Ross: …now remember you have to imagine me in a kilt.
Rachel: (giggles) (To Ross) I can imagine you in a short plaid skirt and knee socks.
Ross: (To Rachel) Do you wanna start telling secrets?
Rachel: No!
Ross: (stands up) Now umm, remember I’m still learning.
(As he prepares to start, he makes several horrible noises that scares Rachel into retreat.)
Ross: One, two, three, four!
(He starts. And well, Celebration was never meant to be played on the bagpipe, so even the best bag pipe players in the world would have trouble with that particular song. So of course, for a beginner like Ross, it sounds absolutely dreadful. The assembled audience minus Phoebe, are horrified. Phoebe, immune to bad music, seems to enjoy it.)
Ross: You know the song! Sing along!
(Ross resumes playing, this time accompanied by Phoebe screeching out E’s in tune with Ross. While Phoebe is singing along, Rachel is having a very difficult time keeping a straight face. Thankfully, Ross gives up after a little while.)
Ross: So?
Monica and Chandler: No!
(Ross throws the bagpipes down in disgust.)
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, a scene is being shot where Dina and Fredrick are celebrating Jessica’s horrible accident by drinking champagne.]
Dina: Loosening the saddle on mother’s horse was brilliant Fredrick. And the electric fence, inspired.
Fredrick: Thank you sweetheart. (They clink glasses.)
Dina: I can’t believe she’s really gone. Look around you, all of this is ours. (They move into kiss but; they’re stopped by Joey entering with a huge bandage wrapped around his head.)
Joey: (as Jessica) I don’t think so.
Dina: Who are you?!
Jessica Lockhart: What’s the matter Dina? Don’t you recognize your own (Does a hair flip) mother?!
The Director: Cut! That was great everybody! Thank you!
Cecilia: (running out to Joey) That was so wonderful! (Hugs him) Ohh, I think that you’re a better Jessica than I ever was!
Joey: Oh noo…
Cecilia: Well of course not, but you were very good.
Joey: Thanks!
Cecilia: And guess what? Good news! I got another job!
Joey: Great! Hey! All right! Well-well what is it?!
Cecilia: A film in Guadalajara!
Joey: The airport?
Cecilia: No that’s La Guardia. (Joey nods in recognition.) This is Mexico.
Joey: Ohh. Wow! Well how-how, how will you be gone?
Cecilia: Eight months.
Joey: That’s a really long time.
Cecilia: Yeah, but you can come and visit me. I bet that you could uh, own a few places down there.
Joey: Well I tell ya, I should probably buy a place in the city first. (Realizes.) And I just got what you meant again—That is—I tell ya, that is a tricky one!
Cecilia: That is a tricky one. Well, Joey I really wanna thank you. You’ve, well you made a very difficult time for me a little less painful.
Joey: Good luck.
Cecilia: You too.
(They kiss and both put their hands on the other’s face like Jessica would do.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool and the Gang on the bag pipe. Yes, I typed that earlier. We’re seeing this again, only this time Ross as already started playing.]
Ross: You know the song! Sing along!
Phoebe: Eeee!!! Eee!! Eee!!
(Monica (Courtney Cox) and Chandler (Matthew Perry) are laughing. That then causes Lisa and Jennifer come out of character and start laughing hysterically. And that finally causes David Schwimmer to come out of character and start laughing as well. Matthew decides to sing along now as well.)
Matthew Perry: Eee!! (This causes more laughter.)
Lisa Kudrow: Do it again!
(Matthew mimics the sound again.)
End
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