内急，借厕所一用.快去吧.去之前确认一下，那儿有乔伊专用的浪漫杂志吗?没有.好! 可以去了!谢谢菲比!本, 是瑞秋!无所谓了.一切都顺利吗?现在别跟我讲话!喔, 跟他老爸一个样.能帮我个忙吗? 院长办公室刚来电话说要开个紧急会议.能帮我带一下本吗? 就一小时.怎么, 怎么不找莫妮卡?噢, 她不在家.那就只有我一个人吗?还有本啊.怎么了?哦, 这个…我从没试过呢. 和他单独在一起.瑞秋, 他又不是从监狱里放出来的.好吧. 我该和他干什么呢?不知道! 就跟他讲话, 让他高兴还有留他一条小命好的.本? 过来.是这样, 我把你留在这儿和瑞秋阿姨一起呆一个小时.可以吗? 你会乖吗?我想可以吧.我又不是问你.我会好好的.呆会儿见, 小子.一小时后回来.- 爸爸再见.- 再见.- 啊…这挺有趣的, 对吧?- 不觉得.- 好吧. 想来点喝的吗?- 好.太好了!健怡可乐可以吗?大人不准我喝汽水.哦. 我们也只有这个…你喝过virgin margarita吗？（无酒精玛格丽特酒）?什么是virgin(处女)?就是水.我们见的第二个牧师怎么样? 我有点喜欢他.你说那个口水怪?拜托! 没那么糟吧!你当然无所谓, 到时你有面纱挡着.好吧, 那第三个呢?你是说盯着你胸脯看的那个?那你能怪他吗?对不起, 我不想我说"我愿意"的时候,他想着, "我也愿意干她!"那问题还没解决.什么问题?哦, 我们想找人主持我们的婚礼 可他们不是闷蛋就是讨厌鬼 要么就老爱盯着女生这里看.噢! 应该让我们谁来主持!菲比, 我们要真的结婚, 不是过家家.不开玩笑! 真的可以呢!任何人都可在网上申请成为牧师, 之后可以主持婚礼之类的仪式.真的吗?是啊! 我有个朋友就申请成功了, 是绝对合法的.我报名!!谁也不许跟我争！什么?! 不行! 这是我的主意!非常谢谢你们, 但你们两人都不行.怎么报名不算数了吗?!我们还是要找个正式的牧师!正式的意思是, 他得是同性恋、还要能控制自己的口水!本你知道吗, 当你还是个婴儿的时候, 我们常在一起呢.因为我, 我曾是你爸爸的女友.但你已经不是了!对, 不是了.因为你们当时就已经分手了.嘿! 我们当时没有…算了. 无所谓!知道吗? 本.等你长大了我要告诉你到底怎么回事到时要喝啤酒和真正的玛格丽特, 好吗?我爸爸什么时候回来?52分钟后.你没有兄弟姐妹呢!那样很好吧. 不用和别人分享东西.能分享是好事.噢, 你是那种人呀.我有两个妹妹, 我们总是互相捉弄.真的? 怎样捉弄?我们, 互相学舌, 或是, 从衣柜里跳出来吓唬对方,或者把糖和盐互换, 让她们在燕麦片上洒盐. 这个真棒.是吗? 你喜欢这个?喜欢, 你很有趣.我很有趣?谢谢老天爷!我还有好多这些把戏呢!想听个更有趣的吗? 还有一个.你拿个硬币, 然后, 把边涂黑. 之后你就对人说,我敢打赌你不能把这硬币从你的额头 一直滚到下巴而不会掉下来. 一旦他们这样做了, 脸的正中间就会留下一条长长的黑色的铅笔线.我能要你这么做吗?我很有趣, 但我不笨.你们找到牧师了吗?没有, 但 "想干莫妮卡牧师" 来电想知道我们分手没有.我们永远也找不到合适的人选.那就让我做吧!- 乔伊…- 不-不-不! , 我想过了.我是演员, 对吧?所以我在众人面前讲话不会紧张.-乔伊, 你的想法很不错…-不-不-不-不, 听我说!我既不喷口水, 也不盯着莫妮卡的胸脯看!人人都知道，我更喜欢看屁股!那倒是真的.最重要的, 在台上的不会是不了解你们的陌生人.而是我! 我发誓一定会做得很好.再说, 我爱你们两个, 这对我来说会非常有意义.我们还没找到其他人.也许会挺酷的.那我可以做吗?行啊, 你可以做.太好了!!! 太好了!!! 好的, 我要开始准备讲稿了! 噢, 等一下, -网上注册牧师仍可以有性生活, 对吗?-对.嘿菲比, 还好吗?噢, 我头疼. 头好疼!噢, 真可怜. 要点儿什么吗?噢天啊, 你别老喋喋不休的!吃几片这个.这是什么?是Hexadrin.噢, 不要, 我不相信西药.你只要用力按这个穴位. 那你的手就会受伤, 可头还是疼, 给我, 谢谢.好的, 等待药片见效时, 我扶你坐到沙发上. 来.拿几个松软的枕头垫着头, 打开电视, 随便你看点儿什么. 然后我会-坐下-会帮你泡点茶.然后, 我会帮你揉揉脚.噢! 我的头! 噢! 噢!我对你有些不满.啊哦.Yes! Ben learned a little trick.正是! 本学了个小把戏.是吗? 他是不是拿…没错! 没错!保鲜膜裹在马桶座上,所以尿得到处都是!- 噢, 那个.- 对, 那个!你知道我讨厌恶作剧!又低级又愚蠢…我不想我儿子学这些鬼东西!噢, 不至于吧!保鲜膜裹在马桶座上, 你就不觉得有一点点有趣?我当时光着脚.告诉我, 你只教了他马桶那玩意儿是不?是的.真神奇啊! 我的头完全不疼了!那些药片叫什么名字?Hexadrin.噢, 我爱你Hexadrin!噢, 看! 这药片还有个故事呢!不, 菲比, 那张纸是告诉你副作用的.说什么的?就是有可能产生的副作用.噢我的天啊!头昏眼花,神经过敏,渴睡，面部肿胀,恶心反胃,头疼-头疼. 呕吐,胃出血,肝损伤!我想不起你给我这致命小胶囊时有提过任何一样! 噢, 对不起, 是特强致命胶囊!菲比, 放轻松, 没有先例! 法律规定要写，所以做做样子!为什么法律这样规定?就怕万一有副作用.跟乔伊崔比昂尼牧师问声好吧!你去申请了! 你得到任命了?!是啊, 我刚刚下线!天, 网上色情的东西真不少!我们的牧师…我的肝受损了. 嗷! 噢!菲比, 你的肝在这儿.好吧, 那就是失去判断力了.我准备好了婚典上说的话, 想听吗?这只是初稿, 所以…"我们今天共聚在这欢快场合来庆祝莫妮卡和钱德所分享的特殊爱情"嗯? "这是基于给予和接受的爱. 也是拥有和分享的爱.他们所给予和拥有的爱也是分享和接受的爱.通过这拥有和给予和分享和接受." "我们也能分享和爱和拥有和接受."打个电话给口水怪?嘿瑞秋!真是稀客呢! 你来干嘛?哦, 我刚刚就在附近, 经过你们这儿 就想到,"不知卡罗尔和可爱的小本好吗?"真有心, 哦, 进来吧.嗯, 我煮点咖啡, 我们可以, 嗯, 聊天.好啊. 那真好… 可爱的小本在哪儿呢? 我想和他…吓死你!!我找到他了!真有趣, 到这儿来!这就是我来这儿跟你谈的原因.瑞秋, 咖啡里要加糖吗?要, 噢…我要在咖啡里该加糖吗?不用了, 只要牛奶就行, 谢谢.你记得我昨天教你那些东西吗?记得我昨天教你那些东西吗?别学我.别学我.说真的, 你爸爸不喜欢恶作剧.说真的, 你爸爸不喜欢恶作剧.噢, 该死的!噢, 该死的!不! 别说这个! 别说这个!该死的!别说了! 还是重复我讲话吧!该死的!噢, 屁话!噢, 屁话!我觉得脸肿了. 我的脸肿了吗?菲比, 你的脸很好!得了, 没有一样副作用会让你中标的! 别老像个孩子一样!噢, 真有趣, 你就那样叫我吧! 我可能永远不会有孩子了!我又写了一点. 准备好听了吗?"当我想到这两个给予者和接受者所分享的爱, 就忍不住 嫉妒他们这一生将要度过的拥有和爱慕和给予和…"下面我想不到一个好词.“接受”这个词怎么样?正是!乔伊, 不是嫌你写得不好!但是，找认识的人主持婚礼，好处之一就是，所说的可以和我们更贴近可以更有针对性. 你可以讲我们的故事!噢, 就像上次，咱俩去大西洋城, 我让你笑得吐出了整块牛排?! 记得吗?不对, 不是我们…是我们!明白了. 对不起.那你曾令他吐出过整块什么东西吗?你给他喂过毒胶囊、让他眼睛流血吗?那上面没写那症状!噢! 有人突然对副作用了如指掌!我们希望你讲个故事, 但要是,浪漫、动人的故事.噢. 好的要不说说伦敦吧! 在那儿你们俩儿搞上了! 只是, 只是我不会说搞上了. 我会说,"他们展开的美好旅程…"就是这样!"…是干出来的"乔伊?好. 好的.那你们是怎么开始的?你们两个先对上了眼儿?接着你就发现你们在浴缸里, 她在给你喂草莓?那不是你和伴娘的风流史吗?正是!!我管那叫 "伦敦式艳遇".我们不一样.我当时很难过, 因为某人以为我是罗斯的妈妈,钱德好贴心, 他安慰我. 我们也确实喝多了.对了, 宝贝!我当时可是个完美的绅士, 我送她回酒店房间说再见.但当晚晚些时候…这才对, 宝贝!嘿!睡衣小可爱! 你还真像在伦敦住家呢, 哈?这么晚了，没想到还会有人来…才9:15.乔伊在吗?最后一次见他、是和伴娘一起, 还拿着一桶草莓出去了. 所以…你该不是还在为那人说的话难受吧?换了是你、你不难受?这阵子你情绪波动大, 又喝了那么多酒.可你必须忘了那事, 好吗?今晚婚宴上、你是最美的女人！真的吗?那还用说? 在大多数地方你都是最美的女人..喔! 喔! 喔! 怎么回事?咱俩刚刚亲嘴了!咱俩在亲嘴吗?哦, 已经没有了.但我们不应亲嘴.我知道, 我只是觉得会挺好玩的.你有多醉了?醉得想要你.但还没醉得神志不清，所以你不必为揩我的油而感到内疚.不多不少恰恰好!你知道什么很奇怪?什么?咱们越轨、却不觉得奇怪!可不是嘛.你真是接吻高手.哦, 我吻过不止四个女人.- 你想钻到被子里面吗?- 嗯!哇! 你动作好快啊!速度快让你印象深刻对我来说是好兆头.我们会看到对方裸体.没错!一起看?数三下?一!二!三!我想可以毫不夸张的说我们的友谊彻底破坏了.嗯, 反正我们也不是那么要好!乔伊! 乔伊! 乔伊! 乔-乔伊-乔-乔伊!嘿!嘿乔伊! 我正在看电影…噢, 老兄, 我很抱歉!不! 不! 不是的!嘿, 没关系的! 我只呆一下, 我还和伴娘一块呢,你买的那些避孕套呢?在那包里.嗯, 能留一个给我吗?你一个人还要用?是啊.这样吧, 和我一起下楼去吧? 那儿有好多不错的女孩.不用了, 我挺好的.好吧,给你, 老兄.好好快活吧.原来是这么回事呀?!我还以为——以为你偷偷干坏事呢.那我可不感兴趣能换个话题吗?因为我不感兴趣要是当时没留一个套子给你？你们两个也许永远也不会在一起.假如当时、我叫个妓女去你房间，能想象吗?! 我还确实这么想过.这就像是全靠运气呢!Yeah, it's totally meant to be.是啊, 这确实是命中注定.告诉他、你那晚本想勾搭谁.什么?你最初想和谁搞上?好, 我说, 但别不高兴, 好吗? 我当时真的很沮丧, 而且…醉得很厉害!我只想干点毫无意义的傻事. 我只想…只想纯做爱. 所以当我…那晚去你们房间…我其实是想…找乔伊.好啊, 宝贝!不好, 宝贝!就是说你去我们房间要钓的是乔伊? 你有没有想过要告诉我?没有, 因为似乎并不重要.噢, 不重要?这不重要?! 如果没有那伴娘你现在要嫁的是他、而不是我!不对!! 重要的是那晚是你在那儿!我要嫁的是你! 我爱的人是你!而且这种爱是基于拥有和给予和接…真难以置信. 那是我这辈子最浪漫的一晚而我竟然是个替补.钱德, 别这样!你知道我现在有多庆幸那晚乔伊不在吗?!嘿! 我现在是牧师, 但我还是有感觉的!现在你更不可能主持我们的婚礼了.什么?! 太不公平了! 又不是我的错!我又不在那儿, 我和伴娘在一起!谁说我就会答应她?!我会答应的.钱德, 你把这事儿看得太严重了.现在不是一切都很好!好吧, 就是觉得怪!我不想站在那儿说誓词时脑子里全是你和莫妮卡的画面.我要…我不知道要干什么. 我要去走走.钱德等等, 拜托, 也没那么大不了吧!对我来说大不了.你本想和蝙蝠侠上床, 可你不得不和罗宾将就着干了.这真是莫名其妙.是啊! “罗宾”好像同性恋!我们说好了什么?不再搞恶作剧.还有呢?你和爸爸当时还没有分手.非常好.瑞秋! 你来这儿干嘛?我只是来看看我的好朋友卡罗尔.你的好朋友?是啊!她姓什么?卡罗尔…- 女同志?- 很好.顺便问一下, 我脸上的那条线?什么线?什么, 什么线? 那条线 那天最后一节课，有学生问我, "好家伙, 你从来不洗脸的吗?"好吧, 对不起我没告诉你, 可你当时已经好气了!我当然好气了! 我告诉过你、我讨厌这些鬼东西!这些破玩意太无聊了!- 嘿罗斯!- 嗨.- 什么太无聊了?- 恶作剧.噢我…我觉得挺有趣的.你脸上有一条线. 什么?好吧, 也许你不觉得有趣…噢我的天啊!卡罗尔也不觉得!但对孩子来说有趣 再说谁会受到伤害呢?!啊, 知道吗? 我告诉你谁受过伤害! 伤害了那个在体育课被偷走了所有衣服、只戴着棒球手套给叫去校长办公室的男孩!那是你啊?! 我们上初中的时候听说过你呢!你真的对着空气挥拳大叫, "我要报仇?!"我会报仇的!我不希望你再灌输这些鬼把戏给我儿子知道了吗?好吧.好吧, 但我要告诉你、一旦我教他那些东西, 他会叫我"有趣的瑞秋阿姨". 我喜欢做"有趣的瑞秋阿姨"但我会做回“无聊的、不安的瑞秋阿姨”, 如你所愿!不, 我不愿那样.你们两个亲密愉快、我很高兴, 但…他又没有兄弟姐妹, 总得有人教他这些东西! 我又没有教他六岁孩子不该会的东西!屁话!!我得走了!嘿. 你要这块烤饼吗? 是给我的, 但它可能更想和你睡!拜托, 什么都没发生过啊!乔伊, 我知道你想主持婚礼…不, 嘿, 不用!如果你不想我主持,我同意. 我无所谓. 我只是…我不想你老这么沮丧.我怎么可能不沮丧? 我终于和这个超棒的女人相爱, 结果发现她最初想要的是你!是啊, 就一晚, 还大概只要半小时!钱德, 她的余生要的都是你呢!你真幸运!看我不在那儿错过了什么!就算在, 也可能永远不会像你们一样,因为你们两个是绝配.知道吗, 我们看着你们在一起、就觉得…觉得好相称. 就知道一定会天长地久的.那就是你该说的.什么?当你主持婚礼的时候, 那就是你该说的话.真的? 我能主婚?我很愿意让你主婚.就说那些话! 一字不差!我不知道能不能记得全, 但是, 也就和拥有和给予、和分享和接受差不了多少.嘿!嘿, 抱歉又要让你帮忙了, 你可以再帮我带一下本吗? 就一会儿. 我要回学校开会. 他问能不能找他的"有趣的瑞秋阿姨", 所以…噢! 当然没问题啦!我们在一起很开心, 是吗本?好吧, 迟点见, 伙计.噢, 好的.等一下.嗯, 本, 我不能这么做.- 什么?- 我不能让他就这样出去, 他要去开会呢.你背上有张东西.太可恶了. 太可恶了.我们刚刚才说过什么, 本?!好吧, 我受够了! 过来, 你这…不! 你惹大麻烦的, 小子!不! 等等! 别这样!等等! 不! 本, 过来! 我不是跟你开玩笑的!你们别这样…啊!!!!!! 天啊!!!!!!!!!! 噢我的天啊!!!!!!!你们和好了吗?好了, 我们谈了一下 莫妮卡让我知道我反应有些过激了 生命中有些事更重要.说的好, 宝贝!我真的很高兴你们和好了, 但我总在想你们两个要真是搞上了会怎么样.亲爱的! 晚餐准备好了!我的小厨子今晚给我做了什么呢?你的最爱!有奶酪的油炸东西!对了! 做了好多呢!谢谢, 亲爱的.你好吗?给你.噢天啊! 药效只有六小时!行了! 我脱离险境了!噢! 一身轻松!恭喜你!如释重负！看, 没掉头发,没有皮疹, 没有麻疹,我真是太开心了!因为 没有气短, 没有暂时的欣快症, 噢(欣快症: 一种不正常的幸福感)
716 The One With The Truth About London
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is filing her nails as Ross and Ben enter.]
Rachel: Hi! Hi Ben!
Ross: Hi, we have a little bathroom emergency.
Rachel: Oh, yeah go ahead.
(Ben starts to go, but Ross stops him.)
Ross: Uh, before we do uh, are any of Joey’s special romance magazines in there?
Rachel: No. No.
Ross: (to Ben) Okay! All clear!
Ben: (running to the bathroom) Thanks Phoebe!
Rachel: Ben, its Rachel! (He closes the door.) But whatever.
Ross: (to Ben) Everything okay in there?
Ben: Don’t talk to me now!
Rachel: Awww, just like his daddy.
Ross: Hey listen can you do me a big favor? The dean’s office just called and said there was an urgent meeting. Can you watch Ben for like an hour?
Rachel: What-what about Monica?
Ross: Oh, she isn’t home.
Rachel: (nervous) So it would just be, me alone?
Ross: Well, Ben would be there.
Rachel: Huh umm…
Ross: What’s the matter?
Rachel: Well that—y’know it’s just uh, I’ve never done that before. Me and him alone.
Ross: Rach, he’s not an ex-con.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, what do I, what do I do with him?
Ross: I don’t know! Just-just talk to him-entertain him and keep him alive.
Ross: Okay. (Ben enters) Ben? Come here. All right, I’m gonna leave you here with Aunt Rachel for about an hour. Okay? Are you gonna be okay?
Rachel: Yeah I think so.
Ross: (To Rachel) I wasn’t talking to you.
Ben: I’ll be okay.
Ross: Okay, I’ll see you soon buddy. (He hugs and kisses him.) Be back in an hour.
Ben: Bye dad.
Rachel: Bye. (Ross exits.) Ahhh… (Silence) So this is fun, huh?
Ben: Not really.
Rachel: Okay. Uh, want something-want something to drink?
Rachel: Uh great! How do you feel about Diet Coke?
Ben: I’m not allowed to have soda.
Rachel: Okay. Well that’s pretty much all that we have—Oh! Oh! Have you ever had a virgin margarita? (Holds up a bottle of margarita mix.)
Ben: What’s a virgin?
Rachel: Water it is.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are talking. Joey and Phoebe are getting coffee.]
Monica: What about the second minister we meet with? I kinda liked him.
Chandler: You mean the spitter?
Monica: Come on! It wasn’t that bad!
Chandler: Easy for you to say; you’ll be wearing a veil.
Monica: All right, what about the third guy?
Chandler: You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest?
Monica: Can you blame him?
Chandler: Sorry, I just don’t like the idea of when I say, "I do," he’s thinking, "Yeah, I’d do her too!"
Monica: Well then we still have a problem.
Phoebe: (returning with Joey) With what?
Monica: Well, we’re trying to find someone to perform our wedding and they’re all either boring or annoying or y’know, can’t stop staring at the ladies. (Points to her chest.)
(Joey nods his approval.)
Phoebe: Oo! You should have one of us do it!
Monica: Phoebe, we’re getting married, married; not sixth grade married.
Phoebe: No! No! It’s-it’s uh a real thing! Anyone can get ordained on the Internet and perform like weddings and stuff!
Monica: Are you serious?
Phoebe: Yes! A friend of mine did it and it’s totally legal!
Joey: I call it!!
Phoebe: What?! No! It was my idea!
Chandler: Guys thank you very much but neither of you is marrying us.
Joey: Does calling it not mean anything anymore?!
Chandler: We are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy! And when I say legitimate I mean, gay and in control of his saliva!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Ben are sitting on the couch bored out of their minds.]
Rachel: Ben y’know when uh, when you were a baby, you and I used to hang out all the time. ‘Cause I was, I was your daddy’s girlfriend.
Ben: But you’re not anymore!
Rachel: No, I’m not.
Ben: ‘Cause you guys were on a break.
Rachel: Hey! We were not on a—Okay. That’s fine! Fine. Y’know what Ben? One day when you are a lot older I am going to tell you that entire story over a pitcher of real margaritas, okay?
Ben: When’s my daddy coming back?
Rachel: (checks her watch) Fifty-two minutes. (Pause) So no-no brothers and sisters, huh? That must be nice. You don’t have to share stuff.
Ben: Sharing is good.
Rachel: Oh, you’re one of those. But y’know what? I have two sisters of my own and we just-just tortured each other.
Ben: Really? Like how?
Rachel: Well y’know, we would umm, repeat everything the other said, or uh, we’d jump out of closets to scare each other, or switch the sugar for the salt so they’d put salt on their cereal.
Ben: (laughs) That’s a good one.
Rachel: Yeah? You like that one?
Ben: Yeah, you’re funny.
Rachel: I’m funny? Oh thank God! Well hey, I’ve got a ton of these! Umm, oh hear—Do you want a good one? Here’s a good one. Umm, you uh, you take a quarter, take a quarter and, and you blacken the edge. Right? (Does so.) And then you say to person, I bet you can’t roll this quarter from your forehead to your chin without it leaving your face. And then when they do it, they’re left with a big black pencil line right down the center of their face.
Ben: Can I do it to you?
Rachel: Yeah, I-I-I-I’m funny Ben, but I’m not stupid. Okay?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch as Joey enters.]
Joey: So, did you uh, find anyone to marry you guys yet?
Chandler: No, but Horny for Monica Minister called, wanting to know if we were still together.
Monica: We’re never gonna find anybody.
Joey: Well then let me do it!
Joey: No-no-no! Look, I’ve been thinking about it. I’m an actor right? So I won’t get nervous talking in front of people.
Monica: Joey look it’s really sweet…
Joey: No-no-no-no look no! I won’t spit, and I won’t stare at Monica’s breasts! Y’know? Everyone knows I’m an ass man!
Monica: That is true.
Joey: Yeah and the most important thing is that it won’t be some like, stranger up there who barely knows you. It’ll be me! And I swear I’ll do a really good job. Plus, y’know I love you guys and-and it would really mean a lot to me.
Chandler: (To Monica) Y’know, we haven’t found anybody else.
Monica: It might be kinda cool.
Joey: So I can do it?
Chandler: Yeah you can do it.
Joey: All right!!! Okay!! All right! Okay-okay, I gotta get started on my speech! Oh, wait a minute, Internet ministers can still have sex right?
(Phoebe enters slowly.)
Monica: Hey Pheebs, how’s it going?
Phoebe: Oh, I have a headache. A horrible headache!
Monica: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I get you something?
Phoebe: Oh my God, you’ve got to stop chattering!
Monica: Here, take a couple of these. (She gets up to grab a couple of pills.)
Phoebe: What is it?
Monica: It’s Hexadrin.
Phoebe: Oh no, I don’t believe in Western medicine. No, if you just apply pressure to these points right here. (She’s pinching the bit of skin between her right thumb and forefinger with her left hand.) Then your hand starts to hurt and you still have a headache, so thanks. (Takes the pills.)
Monica: Okay, while we’re waiting for these pills to kick in, I’m gonna sit you down on the couch. Come on. (Phoebe gets up and goes with her.) Get some nice soft pillows under your head, I’m gonna turn the TV on and you can watch whatever you want. And I’m—Sit down—(She sits down on the couch)—gonna make you some tea. And then, I’m gonna rub your feet.
Joey: Oh! My head! Oh! (He’s sitting on the chair, lies back, and puts his feet up for Monica to rub.) Oh!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is reading and there is knock on the door which she answers.]
(She opens the door to reveal Ross with a pencil mark from his forehead to his chin.)
Ross: I have a bone to pick with you.
Ross: Yes! Ben learned a little trick.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Did he pull the old… (She is waving her hand up and down her face. She’s thinking about the pencil mark.)
Ross: That’s right! That’s right! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat so the pee goes everywhere!
Rachel: Oh that.
Ross: Yeah that! You know I hate practical jokes! They’re mean and they’re stupid and-and I don’t want my son learning them!
Rachel: Oh, come on! Saran Wrap on the toilet seat, you don’t think that’s just a little funny?!
Ross: I was barefoot. Now tell me, the toilet thing is the only thing you taught him right?
Rachel: (looking at his mark) Yes.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are there.]
Phoebe: It’s amazing! My headache is completely gone! What are those pills called?
Monica: Hexadrin. (She gets the box out of her purse.)
Phoebe: Oh, I love you Hexadrin! (She kisses the box.) Oh look! It comes with a story! (She pulls out the instructions and side affects paper.)
Monica: No Phoebe, those are like the side affects and stuff.
Phoebe: Say what?
Monica: Y’know, the possible side affects.
Phoebe: Oh my God! (Starts reading them.) Dizziness, nervousness, drowsiness, facial swelling, nausea, headache—Headache. Vomiting, stomach bleeding, liver damage! Now okay, I don’t recall any of this coming up when you gave me these little death capsules! Oh I’m sorry, extra strength death capsules!
Monica: Phoebe, relax none of that stuff ever happens! They just put it on there for legal reasons!
Monica: In case it happens.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Say hello to Reverend Joey Tribbiani! (Holds up the piece of paper bearing the proof of his ordination.)
Monica: You did it! You got ordained?!
Joey: Yeah, I just got off the Internet! Man, there is a lot of porn out there!
Chandler: Our minister…
Phoebe: I have liver damage. Ow! Oh! (She grabs the left side of her torso.)
Monica: Phoebe, your liver is right here. (She points to the right side of her torso.)
Phoebe: Okay, then I must be disoriented.
Joey: Anyway, I started working on what I’m going to say for the ceremony, do you wanna hear it?
Joey: Now-now, listen this is just a first draft so… (Starts to read the piece of paper he brought.) "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share." (Monica and Chandler like it so far.) Eh? (He continues reading.) "It is a love based on giving and receiving. As well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving." (Phoebe nods her approval.) "We too can share and love and have and receive."
Chandler: (To Monica) Should we call the spitter?
[Scene: Carol and Susan’s, there is a knock on the door and Carol opens it to reveal Rachel.]
Carol: Hey Rachel! (The camera cuts to her face and we see that Ben pulled the quarter trick with her as well.)
Carol: What a nice surprise! What are you doing here?
Rachel: Well y’know I was just in the neighborhood and I passed by your building and I thought to myself, "What’s up with Carol and sweet, little Ben?"
Carol: Can I ask what—Come on in.
Carol: Umm uh, I’ll make some coffee and we can uh, chat.
Rachel: I’d love that. I would loooove… (Carol goes to make the coffee and she sits down.) So uh, so where is sweet little Ben? I would love to have a little...
Ben: (jumping up from behind her chair) Gotcha!! (Rachel jumps up startled.)
Rachel: I found him! (To Ben) Very funny, come here! (She sits down on the coffee table and Ben walks up.) That is exactly why I’ve come here to talk to you okay?
Carol: (from the kitchen) Rach, do you want some sugar in your coffee?
Rachel: Yes oh—(To Ben)—Do I want sugar in my coffee? (Ben nods no.) No, just some milk would be good Carol. Thanks. (To Ben) Okay, do you remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
Ben: (mimicking her) Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
Rachel: Don’t do that.
Ben: Don’t do that.
Rachel: Seriously, your dad doesn’t like pranks.
Ben: Seriously, your dad doesn’t like pranks.
Rachel: Oh damnit!
Ben: Oh damnit!
Rachel: No! Don’t say that! Don’t say that!
Rachel: No don’t! Go back to repeating!
Rachel: Oh crap!
Ben: Oh crap!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are returning from Central Perk.]
Phoebe: I feel like my face is swelling. (To Monica) Is my face swelling?
Monica: Phoebe, your face is fine! Come on, none of this stuff is going to happen to you! Stop being such a baby!
Phoebe: Oh, interesting you should call me that! Now that I may never have one! (Holds up the warning label.)
Joey: Okay you guys, I got a little more written. Are you ready?
Chandler: Yeah. O-okay.
Joey: (reading) "When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I can not help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving and…" And then I can’t think of a good word for right here. (He points to the stop on the paper where he left off.)
Monica: How about receiving?
Chandler: See Joe, not that that’s not grrreat! But, one of the cool things about having somebody we know perform the ceremony is that it can be about us! Y’know, it can be more personal. You can tell stories about us!
Joey: Ooh, like the time you and I went to Atlantic City and I made you laugh so hard you threw up your whole steak?! Remember?
Chandler: No, not us… (Motions Joey and him.) Us! (Motions Monica and him.)
Monica: I gotcha. Sorry. (To Monica) So, did you ever make him throw up a whole anything?
Phoebe: Did you ever feed him a poison capsule that made him bleed from the eyes?
Monica: It doesn’t say that!
Phoebe: Oh! Suddenly somebody knows all about the side affects!
Chandler: See Joe, we want you to tell stories but y’know, romantic stories. Nice stories.
Joey: Oh. Okay. Ooh! Ooh! Okay, maybe I’ll talk about London! Y’know when you two hooked up! Only, only I won’t say hooked up. I’ll say, "Began their beautiful journey…"
Monica: There you go!
Joey: "…by doin’ it."
Joey: Okay. All right. Umm, so uh, so how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room? And then the next thing y’know you’re in the bathtub together and she’s feeding you strawberries?
Chandler: Isn’t that what happened with you and the bride’s maid?
Joey: Yeah!! I call that London style.
Monica: No that is not what happened with us. Well, I was umm, I was really sad that night because this guy that I was Ross’s mom.
Monica: And then Chandler was, was really sweet and he consoled me. And well we drank too much…
Joey: Yeah baby!
Chandler: And I was a perfect gentleman and I walked her to her hotel room and said goodnight.
Chandler: But then later that night…
Joey: Yeah baby!
[Cut to London, Chandler’s hotel room. He is getting ready for bed by doing push-ups. One push-up. Just as he gets under the covers, there’s a knock on the door.]
Chandler: (answering the door) Hey!
Monica: (standing outside) Cute PJ’s! You’re really livin’ it up here in London huh?
Chandler: Well I was… I was exactly expecting company after…(He looks at his watch.) 9:15.
Monica: (entering) Is Joey here?
Chandler: Well, last time I saw him he was heading out the door with the bride’s maid and a bucket of strawberries. So uh, you’re not still upset about what that guy told ya are ya?
Monica: Wouldn’t you be?
Chandler: Well, look it’s been a really emotional time y’know, and you’ve had a lot to drink. And you’ve just got to let that go okay? I mean you were the most beautiful in the room tonight!
Chandler: You kidding? You’re the most beautiful woman in most rooms… (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What’s going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?
Monica: Well, not anymore.
Chandler: But we don’t do that.
Monica: I know, I just thought it would be fun.
Chandler: How drunk are you?
Monica: Drunk enough to know that I want to do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
Chandler: (thinks) That’s the perfect amount!
(They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.)
Monica: (breaking the kiss) Y’know what’s weird?
Monica: This doesn’t feel weird!
Chandler: I know.
Monica: You’re a really good kisser.
Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers?
(They do so and they take off their clothes.)
Monica: Wow! You are really fast!
Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
Monica: We’re gonna see each other naked.
Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time?
Chandler: Count of three?
Monica and Chandler: Three! (They lift up the covers and check each other out, then come back up with silly grins on their faces.)
Chandler: Well I think it’s safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
Monica: Eh, we weren’t that close anyway!
(They start making out again, and it takes Joey trying to enter to stop them.)
Chandler: Joey! Joey! Joey! J-J-Joey-Joey-J-Joey! (Monica hides under the covers as Joey enters. Remember?)
Chandler: Hey Joe! I was just watching a movie-e-e… (Notices that the TV is turned off.)
Joey: Oh, dude I’m so sorry!
Chandler: No! No! No!
Joey: Hey no-no-no-no! It’s cool! It’s cool! I-I’ll only be a second, I’m still with my bride’s maid, I just—Where are those condoms you brought?
Chandler: They’re in my bag over there. (Points.)
Joey: Ah. (Joey walks to Chandler’s bag by getting as far away from Chandler’s bed as possible.)
Chandler: Uh, could you leave me one?
Joey: (pause) For just you?
Joey: Hey listen, why don’t you come downstairs with me? There’s some really nice girls down there.
Chandler: No I-I-I’m fine.
Joey: All right, here you go buddy. (He tosses him one.) Go nuts. (Exits.)
[Cut back to Monica and Chandler telling Phoebe and Joey the story.]
Joey: That’s what that was?! ‘Cause that other thing? I thought you were on to something, but it did nothing for me.
Monica: Okay, can we change the topic? Because it’s really doing nothing for me.
Joey: Oh… (To Chandler) Can you imagine if I hadn’t left you that last one? You two might’ve never gotten together. Ooh-ooh! Could you imagine if I sent that hooker up to the room like I was gonna?! It’s like it was in the stars!
Phoebe: Yeah, it’s totally meant to be. (To Monica) Tell him who you originally wanted to hook up with that night.
Phoebe: (To Joey) What?!
Chandler: Who did you originally want to hook up with?
Monica: Okay, fine but please don’t be upset! Okay? I was really depressed okay? And really drunk! I just wanted something stupid and meaningless. I just wanted…just sex. So, when I…went to your room that night…I was actually looking…for Joey. (Joey smiles.)
Joey: Yeah baby! (Chandler glares at him.) No baby!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier.]
Chandler: (To Monica) So you came to the room looking for Joey? Did you ever in-intend on telling me about this?
Monica: No because it-it didn’t seem important.
Chandler: Oh, it’s not important? It’s not important?! If it wasn’t for a bride’s maid you’d be marrying him (Points to Joey) not me!
Monica: Noo!! The point is that is was you that was there that night! It is you that I am marrying! It is you that I feel in love with!
Joey: And it is a love that is based on having and giving and receiv—(Shuts up on Monica’s glare.)
Chandler: I don’t believe it. The most romantic night of my life and I’m runner up.
Monica: Chandler, please! Do you know how unbelievably glad I am that Joey was not there that night?!
Joey: Hey! (Monica turns and looks at him) Now I’m a man of the cloth, but I still have feelings!
Chandler: (To Joey) Look there is no way you’re doing this wedding now. Okay?
Joey: What?! That’s not fair! It’s not my fault! I was off with my bride’s maid! And who’s to say I would’ve even said yes?! (To Monica) I mean I would’ve said yes. Chandler look y-y-you are making way to big a deal out of this, all right? Look, everything worked out okay!
Chandler: Okay, it’s just weird! Okay? I don’t want to be standing their saying my vows and then having the mental image of you and Monica! I-I-I need…I don’t know what I need. I need a walk.
Monica: Wait Chandler come on, let’s—it’s not a big deal!
Chandler: It is to me. You wanted to sleep with Batman, and instead you had to settle for Robin. (Walks out and slams the door.)
Joey: This is crazy.
Phoebe: I know! Robin is so gay!
[Scene: Carol and Susan’s, Rachel is talking with Ben.]
Rachel: So now what have we agreed?
Ben: No more pranks.
Rachel: And-and what else?
Ben: That you and daddy were not on a break.
Rachel: Very good.
(There’s a knock on the door and Ross enters.)
Ross: Rachel! What are you doing here?
Rachel: I’m just visiting my good friend Carol.
Ross: Your good friend?
Ross: What’s her last name?
Ross: Nice. And by the way that uh, that line down my face?
Rachel: What line?
Ross: Wh-wh-what line? The line that prompted a student in my last class of the day to say uh, (In a college frat boy voice) "Dude, don’t you ever was your face?"
Rachel: All right, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but you were so mad already!
Ross: Of course I was mad! I told you I-I hate this stuff! Okay? It-it’s not funny!
Carol: (entering from the kitchen) Hey Ross!
Carol: What’s not funny?
Ross: Practical jokes.
Carol: Oh I…I think they’re funny.
Ross: You have a line down your face.
Carol: What? (Goes and checks.)
Rachel: Okay, maybe they are not funny to you…
Carol: (yelling from the bathroom) Oh my God!
Rachel: Or Carol! But they’re funny to kids and who is it hurting?!
Ross: Uh, y’know what? I’ll tell you who it hurts! It hurts the kid who has all his clothes stolen in gym class so he has to go to the principal’s office wearing nothing but a catcher’s mitt!
Rachel: That was you?! We heard about you in Junior High! Did you really just shake your fist in the air and shout, "I will be revenged?!"
Ross: I will be! Listen, I don’t want you teaching my son that stuff anymore. Okay?
Rachel: Fine. Fine, but I’ll have you know that once I taught him that stuff he called me Fun Aunt Rachel. And I loved being Fun Aunt Rachel but I’ll go back to being Boring and Uncomfortable Aunt Rachel if that’s what you want!
Ross: No that’s not what I want. Uh, I’m glad you guys were bonding but I…
Rachel: Look he doesn’t have any brothers or sisters, somebody’s gonna have to teach him this stuff! And I haven’t taught him anything that a normal 6-year-old doesn’t know anyway!
Ben: (yelling from off camera) Crap!!
Rachel: I gotta go! (Runs out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sulking on the couch as Joey enters to talk with him.]
Chandler: Hey. Do you want this scone? (Holds up his plate) It came for me but it would probably rather sleep with you!
Joey: Chandler, come on nothing even happened!
Chandler: Look Joe, I know you wanted to do the wedding…
Joey: No-hey-no! If you don’t want me to do it, I except that. I don’t care about that. I just…I don’t want you to be upset.
Chandler: How can I not be upset? Okay? I finally fall in love with this fantastic woman and it turns out that she wanted you first!
Joey: Yeah for like a half an hour one night! Chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life! You’re so lucky! Look what I missed out on by not being there! Although you know what? It could never have worked like you guys did, ‘cause you guys are perfect for each other. Y’know, we look at you and-and we see you together and it just…it-it fits. Y’know? And you just know it’s gonna last forever.
Chandler: That’s what you should say.
Chandler: When you’re marrying us; that’s what you should say.
Joey: Really? I can do it?
Chandler: I’d love it if you would do it.
Joey: Hey! (They hug.)
Chandler: But those are the words! Those exact words!
Joey: Well I don’t know remember exactly but, it’s-it’s pretty much about having and giving and sharing and receiving.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is in the kitchen as Ross and Ben are entering.]
Ross: Hey I’m sorry to do this to you again but uh, is there any way you can look after Ben for a little bit? I-I’ve got this meeting at school. And-and he-he asked for his uh, ‘Fun Aunt’ Rachel, so…
Rachel: Ohhh! Well of course I will watch him! We have fun, don’t we Ben? (He nods yes.)
Ross: Okay, I’ll see you later pal.
(Ross turns to leave.)
Rachel: Ohh, okay. (Ross has a sign on his back that reads ‘Poop.’) Wh—Ah-ha! (Ross stops and turns.) Wait a minute. Uh Ben, I can’t do it.
Rachel: I can’t let him go out that way, he’s got a meeting. (To Ross) You’ve got something here on your back.
Ross: What? (She takes the sign off and hands it to him.) That’s great. That is great. (Crumples up the paper and throws it down in anger.) What did we just finish talking about Ben?!
Rachel: Oh I…
Ben: What did we just finish talking about Ben?!
Ross: All right, that’s it! (He runs over to Ben, but he runs past him and out the door.) Come—you—no! You are in big trouble young man!
Rachel: No! Wait! Come on!
[Cut to the hallway, Ben runs upstairs with Ross in pursuit.]
Ross: Wait! No! Ben, come here! I am not kidding!
Rachel: No you guys… (She walks out into the hallway.)
Ross: I-I-am—(Suddenly Ross starts screaming and comes falling down the stairs landing just in front of Rachel.)
Rachel: EHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My God!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God!!!!!!! (She runs over to him and finds that it was a dummy and that she had been had.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are entering. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.]
Joey: So are guys doing okay?
Chandler: Yeah, we talked and Monica made me see that I over reacted a little bit and some things in life are more important.
Monica: Yeah baby! (Phoebe and Joey nod.)
Phoebe: I’m really glad you guys are okay but, I just keep thinking what would happen if-if you two (Points to Monica and Joey) actually had hooked up.
[Scene: Monica and Joey’s, Monica is cooking.]
Monica: Honey! Dinner’s ready!
(Joey, whose new diet is working out great, he looks like he only weighs 375 down from 420 enters from the bedroom.)
Fat Joey: What’s my little chef got for me tonight?
Monica: Your favorite!
Joey: Ho-ho-ho, (pausing for a rest next to the fridge) fried stuff with cheese!
Monica: Yep! And lot’s of it!
Fat Joey: Thanks sweetheart. Give me a little sugar here. (They kiss.) Okay.
(Joey sits down.)
Monica: Okay, in we go.
(Monica gets behind him and in combination with his sliding the chair forward and her pushing with her leg manages to get up to the table.)
Fat Joey: Here we go! Here we go! Here we go! (Groans and picks up a piece of food.) How you doin’?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is getting Phoebe some coffee.]
Joey: Here you go.
Phoebe: (still reading the label) Oh my God! This is a six-hour pill! (Checks her watch) That’s it! I’m out of the woods! Ohh! What a relief!
Joey: Good for you!
Phoebe: Oh, it’s like huge weight has been lifted! ‘Cause look, (reads the side affects) no hair loss, not a rash, no hives, I’m just so happy! Because no shortness of breath, no temporary euphoria—Oh.