嗨! 你们不会相信的! 我刚刚接到经纪人的电话ˇ哦 天呐! 对不起 反应太快 继续我因为在光辉岁月里的表演而被提名了!乔伊!太好了!祝贺你! 哇! 我不敢相信你获得艾美奖提名!不-不是肥皂剧文摘年度奖？不是! 我被提名Soapie(肥皂剧)奖!亲爱的? 这是你编出来的，对吧?不, 不, 不! 这是真的! 从1998年设立到现在 嗨 瑞秋! 瑞秋! 我被提名Soapie奖!哦 我的天! 哦 我的天!! 排名第三的肥皂剧奖 真的有这个奖!谢谢! 我在考虑应该带谁去领奖 哦, 别说了! 别开玩笑! 大明星都要去吗?很多有这个打算哦 天呐! 哦 天呐! 我不能去! 我会紧张死的!那好, 我去!不!! 你要结婚了! 这就是我的全部ˇErnst Muhlbrat最先假定速龙会竖起它的颈片发出高频率的声音以恐吓他的敌人 什么事 刘易斯? 什么样的声音?是一种高频率的威胁性的叫声但是到底是怎么样的?我们-我们不是很清楚但根据我的观点它-它叫起来应该像这样 当然, 这只是推测 好吧,今天-今天就上到这 莫斯, 我能和你谈谈吗? 是的，先生莫斯 我得跟你关于期中考的事 恐怕我不能让你及格为什么?!你还差60分才及格ˇ我得了几分?7分不算太好不 不好 怎么回事 Ned?也许你可通融一下我恋爱了很遗憾 但 这 这-真的不是我的问题我爱上你了这让我有点受宠若惊看, 这就是我考砸的原因 我没办法集中精神你站在那 开始上课 你的表情那么严肃ˇ看起来帅呆了 你穿着那件小小的紧身圆领毛衣ˇ好了! Umm, 我是你的老师 对不起 你是学生 而且我喜欢的是女人不管别人在一些椅子的背后写的些什么哦 天呐！柜台旁边的那个男人一直在盯着你!真的? 天呐, 他真可爱过去泡他菲比, 我订婚了!我是说让你问问他电话以防万一 要是钱德发生什么意外不能人道的话他可能会希望你找个情人来满足他没法满足你的需要嗨!哦, 我是不是应该先告诉你？ 我很受宠若惊 但是, 我已经订婚了 Wow! Uh, 这有点尴尬 实际上我是过来和你朋友打个招呼你是该感到难为情我想你们知道我在看你们是的, 不过真的很有趣获奖者是ˇ乔伊 崔比昂尼! Ohˇ Wow! 我真的没有想到过会获奖我 uh 我没有准备讲稿但是 我想感谢我的父母 他们一直在那里支持我 我还要感谢我的朋友, 钱德, 莫尼卡, 菲比, 瑞秋ˇ我才排第四？ 看看你还有你拿的糖枫汁奖!是的 或许你不会告诉别人？什么? 不! 这没什么大不了的!我干过两次拿我的香槟酒瓶子真的?是的你练习的是什么奖?格莱美奖最佳新秀哦 嘿 今天Soapie奖组织者打电话过来说我得上台颁奖哦 太好了!!这么说你肯定会上台 就算不是上去领奖你-你认为我不会获胜?当然不! 但是你知道 最受欢迎男演员竞争很激烈 乔伊 我是说你要和那个从火葬场死里逃生的家伙竞争是的 我知道可能会输,但是ˇ我从来没获得过提名! 我太想得到这个奖了乔伊, 你或许会得奖但是万一失败了你应该有得体的表现 当镜头对着你的时候你要表现得有点失望但是又觉得你的同行应该获奖的样子 你明白吗? 就像这样ˇ 很好，你也练习过失去格莱美奖?哦 不 格莱美奖我从不失手哦 嘿!嘿!你和JAKE的约会怎么样?哦, 棒极了! 我们整晚视线都没有离开过对方每一次那个 你知道 他都俯下身来抚摸我的头发 触摸我的颈项 好吧 别这样 菲比 你让我浑身发麻你知道我惟一能想的就是 "他会吻我吗? 他会吻我吗?"他吻你了?我是个淑女 莫妮卡 我接吻的时候不说话 但是 这小东西自己会说话 我明白 我明白我真的很喜欢他 我觉得自己就像喝了10杯酒 实际上我今天只喝了6杯哦,自从我和钱德开始交往后我就再也没有过这种感觉Wow, 我不会再有这种感觉了对吗?你听起来像个男人不, 男人会说, "我再也不能和其他女人睡觉了" 哦，我的天! 我再也不能和其他男人睡觉了! 我一直在忙着筹备婚礼都忘记了我将要放弃的一切！我是说, 我ˇ我再也不会有第一次接吻了你会有最后一吻我能问你个问题吗? 你被男人迷上过吗?这就是你给我打领带的理由?我的班上有个孩子说他爱上我了喔!罗斯有个男朋友我-我没有男朋友 我的班上有个孩子说他爱上我了真的吗?是的! 我不知道 我是说去年是伊莎贝拉 现在是这个孩子 到底是怎么回事?! 我是不是散发出一种ˇ性感教授的味道? 现在没有我是说，我是说是我天生的超凡魅力让他期中考试不及格哦, 我替那个孩子感到难过! 我曾经迷上过老师,那真的很痛苦! 你知道吗?我没法集中注意力 每次他看我 我都会脸红我是说, 就像19岁的我们恋爱的感觉是的 我想我可以对他通融一下最后你怎么摆脱那个老师的?我没有摆脱他 我让他拜倒在我的石榴裙下问题解决再见 菲比再见 好吧 再见 再见! 我们在门口说再见这样不会太招摇菲比 好吧 你没必要在我旁边转来转去 我已经想过了, 你知道? 失去新鲜的恋爱感觉没什么 我不在乎 ˇ我开始想你了!!我也想你!!!! 看见了? 这就是我说的 我是说 这很好! 但是我不会拿现在拥有的东西去换我是说，我将和钱德共度余生, 这才是让我开心的事嗨 亲爱的 过来! 过来坐这我和菲比正在谈我们的感情多深多有意义真的是这样 你说呢?哦 绝对是! 拉着我的手指颁发最受欢迎男演员奖的是McKensizeˇ来了! 来了，这是我被提名的奖项我知道! 天呐! 你准备演讲了吗?是的, 准备了!失败者得体的表情呢?是的 乔伊 记住 你获奖的话要拥抱我! 拥抱我!好的 我能轻轻捏你的屁股吗?在电视上?! 行!好的! 被提名最受欢迎男演员的是: 约翰惠勒 中央医院 加文格兰特 年轻的躁动达金哈灵顿 激情燃烧的岁月乔伊崔比昂尼 光辉岁月获奖者是ˇ加文格兰特 年轻的躁动!最受观众支持女演员奖颁奖嘉宾乔伊 崔比昂尼 来自光辉岁月今晚所有获得提名的杰出女演员都应该把这个奖杯捧回家可惜的是获奖者只能有一个 最受欢迎女演员提名获得者 激情燃烧的岁月 艾琳 高弗 一生平安 玛丽 罗兰 毕肖普 我的孩子 莎拉 麦克汉 光辉岁月 杰西卡 阿什利 获奖者是ˇ杰西卡 阿什利 光辉岁月遗憾的是杰西卡今天晚上不能和我们在一起 所以我将代表她领取这个奖项我相信杰西卡将会感谢我的父母 他们一直信任我 她还将感谢我的朋友, 钱德, 莫尼卡, 罗斯, 菲比, 还有瑞秋 她就坐在那儿! 乔伊! 为什么我们要跑那么快?!瑞秋 我们得赶快离开 因为, 看 我拿回来什么! 哦 我的天 你偷了她的奖杯!不 不! 不 我是以她的名义接受这个奖项乔伊 我想你不知道名义是什么意思我当然知道! 是个动词! 就像"我名义它!"乔伊, 你得把它还回去!为什么?! 我应该获得一个奖杯 而且我真的想得到它 可她一点都不在乎 甚至不来参加颁奖!这也可以是格莱美奖不! 乔伊!来吧 瑞秋! 没人看见我们! 这玩意儿那有一桌子呢你真的想要不是你赢回来的奖吗?不! 我想要自己赢回来的奖! 但是没人颁给我! 还有 瑞秋 如果我把它放在那别人过来看见 他们会以为是我获的奖乔伊 这上面写着最受欢迎女演员!我可以把它刮掉不 乔伊 这是错的! 你得把它还回去, 好吗? 你不想这样赢奖 你很有才能 总有一天你会获得一个真正的奖杯 这个会变得毫无意义好吧!好吗? 谢谢我明天把它还回去如果我有就等于你有! 盖勒教授?是的，刘易斯,我能为你做什么吗?我知道我期中考表现不是很好 但是, 我希望你能改变我的成绩我为什么要这么做? 因为我爱你什么?!是的,我爱上你 还有你的一举一动 所以你能改变我的成绩吗?不!为什么? 你改动了Ned的成绩!好吧 这不一样! 因为他,他真的爱上我!不 他没有! 他完全是在耍你! 他已经对三个老师用过这招了!什么?他有女朋友!不敢相信有人会为了成绩这样做我知道! 这样做很烂我爱你你看到钱德了吗?不 为什么?因为我一直在考虑所有我将失去的东西，这让我心神不宁 我不知道该怎么做 Okay, 别着急 钱德不在这 所以你说吧 别管他那个男人很可爱 菲比! 拜托 我是认真的! 我得跟他谈谈不，这是你最后的选择!为什么?因为你要嫁给他!他得帮我 菲比好吧, 我没订过婚也没真正结过婚我只能告诉你我妈说过的话 要是你对一段感情有怀疑、恐惧或者焦虑的话, 不要告诉你的丈夫所以我不应该告诉那个我将要与之共度余生的男人我的怀疑和恐惧?没错! 是的, 你应该把所有这些藏起来放在记忆深处的一个小盒子里，然后锁紧它你妈妈跟你说的?是的!那个结过好几次婚并且在你13岁的时候自杀的女人?哦 我的天! 你是对的! 快去! 快去告诉钱德! 快点 趁还得及! 不 等等! 这是不是说你对作爱不感兴趣了? 真不敢相信我会见到杰西卡 阿什莉!Okay 等等-等等 冷静一点! 好吗? 我和这女人一起工作Okay, 我很冷静! 请进嗨 杰西卡嗨 杰斯这是我朋友瑞秋嗨.Sup? 这是你的Soapie奖 我帮你领回来了 哦 我的天! 我获奖了! 你知道这意味着什么吗?! 就--就这样? 你不打算, 你不打算把它摆在架子上或者其他什么的吗?不, 我要留着放真正的奖杯 现在, 如果你们不介意的话 拿回去?完全正确干得好 亲爱的, 婚礼越来越近了, 你有什么事情想跟我说吗?好吧, 我想餐桌中间的摆设太大了你错了! 餐桌中间的摆设很好! 你害怕过吗?有点 那些摆设真的很大你有没有不安过因为你再也不会有新的浪漫关系?什么?我很爱你 只是ˇ只是有时候有些事会困扰我 我将失去那种感觉 你知道当你第一次邂逅某个人的时候那种新鲜感还有兴奋感? 你知道那种感觉?不不,通常当我第一次遇见某个人的时候 我会恐慌 焦虑 还会一直出汗好吧，但是你是个男人你再也不能和其他女人上床，你不为此感到不安吗?不，和刚认识的女人上床会让我恐慌, 焦虑,还会流更多的汗就算和我在一起?和你在一起的前六个月我差点脱水而死你看, 对我来说最让人激动的事就是知道自己将和你共度余生真的吗?真的! 但是现在我知道你的想法 我又开始恐慌、焦虑我需要来点运动饮料过来! 过来! 亲爱的 你不需要担心 你知道，除了这些以外，我们还将拥有很多新的东西我们第一次买房子我们第一次有孩子 第一个可爱的孩子ˇ水! 水! 水!莫斯, 我能和你谈一会儿吗?今天的讲座真是棒极了 你把头发理了?是的 是的 你喜欢吗? 你爱它们吗? 我想告诉你我把你的成绩改回去了什么?! 为什么?因为我知道你想得到什么 好吧？这不管用我没想过得到什么好处 我爱你 先生你想知道吗? 我-我不想再谈这件事 好吧? 这事结束了我知道你有女朋友!是的! 我也知道你对其他教授干过的事! 你知道我什么感觉吗 Ned?! 你利用我! 你不爱我,你也从来没爱过我!温斯顿教授 弗雷德里克森教授 我马上过来 别把这事搞砸了我就给你C可以走了? 瑞秋? 我很快出来哦 这真是太意外了! 我ˇ我 ˇ我感到很荣幸被提名诺贝尔奖你知道因为按摩特别是我刚刚获得托尼奖最佳女主角ˇ亲爱的, 我们得走了 我们订了8点的位子因为在Neil Simon的《8点的位子》一片中的表演谢谢你 Neil 谢谢你的建议 亲爱的 你下次再继续吧我们就快迟到了 我们得走了先别放音乐 我还有一句话要说 纽约直播! 周六晚上!!
718 The One With Joey’s Award
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Monica are there as Joey is entering excitedly.]
Joey: Hey! You guys! You’re not gonna believe this! I just got off the phone with my agent…
Phoebe: Oh my God! (Joey looks at her.) I’m sorry, too soon. You go.
Joey: Okay. I got nominated for my part on Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe: Good for you!
Monica: Congratulations! Wow! I can’t believe you’re nominated for an Emmy!
Monica: Oh Soap Opera Digest award!
Joey: No! I’m up for a Soapie!
Monica: Honey? Is that something you’re making up?
Joey: No, no, no! It’s real! And it has been since 1998. (Rachel returns from the bathroom.) Hey Rach! Rach! I’m up for a Soapie!
Rachel: (gasps) Oh my God! Oh my God!! That is like the third most prestigious soap opera award there is!
Joey: Thank you! Well, I guess now I know who I’m taking to the awards. (Points to Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh, stop that! Don’t kid about that! (Gasps) Will all the stars be there?
Joey: Many are scheduled to appear.
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God! I can’t go! I’m gonna be too nervous!
Monica: (to Joey) Okay, I’ll go!
Rachel: No!! You are getting married! This is all I have.
[Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is giving a lecture.]
Ross: …and it was Ernst Muhlbrat who first hypothesized that the Velociraptor would expand it’s collar and emit a high pitched noise to frighten it’s predator. (A student raises his hand.) Yes Mr. Lewis?
Lewis: What kinda noise?
Ross: Just a high pitched intimidating noise.
Lewis: But like how?
Ross: Well we-we don’t know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded something like this. (He makes a high pitched noise and Alan doesn’t know what to make of it.) Of course, this is just conjecture. Okay, that’s uh, that’s all for today. (Everyone starts to get up.) Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?
Morse: Yes sir.
Ross: Mr. Morse I need to talk to you about your mid-term exam, I’m afraid I-I had to fail you.
Morse: (shocked) Why?!
Ross: Well you need 60% to pass…
Morse: What’d I get?
Morse: That’s not so good.
Ross: No-no it’s not. What-what happened there Ned?
Morse: Well maybe you can cut me some slack. I’m sort of in love.
Ross: Well I’m sorry but, that-that’s really not my problem.
Morse: I’m in love with you.
Ross: Well that brings me in the loop a little.
Morse: You see, that’s why I did so bad on this test. I’m having a hard time concentrating. When you’re up there (Points to the podium) and you’re teaching and your face gets all serious…you look so good. (In a sexy voice) You wear that tight little turtleneck sweater…
Ross: Okay! (Walks away from him.) Umm, I uh, I’m your teacher. I’m sorry, you’re-you’re a student and I-and I like women. In spite of what may be written on the backs of some of these chairs.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are drinking coffee and Phoebe notices a cute guy checking them out.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! That guy at the counter is totally checking you out!
Monica: Really? (Looks.) My God, he’s really cute.
Phoebe: Go for it.
Monica: Phoebe, I’m engaged!
Phoebe: I’m just saying, get his number just in case. But no Chandler is in an accident and can’t perform sexually and he would want you to take a lover to satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill.
The Cute Guy: (To Monica) Hi!
Monica: Op, can I just tell you something? Very flattered but umm, I’m engaged. (Points to her ring.)
The Cute Guy: Wow! Uh, this is kind of embarrassing. I was actually coming over to talk to your friend.
Monica: Well you should be embarrassed. (Leaves.)
The Cute Guy: (To Phoebe) I thought you knew I was looking at you.
Phoebe: I did, but that was really fun.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is sitting in the chair.]
Joey: (pretending to be an announcer) And the winner is…Joey Tribbiani! (He then gets excited and goes over to the counter to practice his acceptance speech using a bottle of maple syrup as the award.) Oh… Wow! I honestly never expected this. I uh, I didn’t prepare a speech. But umm, I’d like to thank (Rachel enters quietly) my parents, who’ve always been there for me. I’d also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel…
Rachel: I’m fourth! (Joey is startled.) Look at you with your little maple syrup award!
Joey: Yeah may-maybe you don’t tell anyone about this.
Rachel: What? No! It’s not a big deal! I do that too, with my shampoo bottle.
Joey: What award are you practicing for?
Rachel: Grammy, Best New Artist.
Joey: Oh, hey listen! The Soapie’s called today and I also get to present an award.
Rachel: Ohh that’s great!
Rachel: So you’ll definitely get onstage, even if you don’t win.
Joey: (confused) What you-you don’t think I’m gonna win?
Rachel: Well of course I do! But y’know, favorite returning character is a tough category Joey. I mean you’re up against the guy who survived his own cremation.
Joey: Yeah. No-no I-I know I might not win, but it’s just…I’ve never even been nominated before! I want it so much.
Rachel: Well Joey, you’ll probably get it. But you should probably your-your gracious loser face. Y’know when like the cameras are on you and you wanna look disappointed but also that your colleague deserved to win. Y’know? So it’s sorta like… (Does it, you’ll have to see it.)
Joey: Hey! (Likes it.)
Joey: You practice losing the Grammies too?
Rachel: Oh no, at the Grammies I always win.
[Scene: Monica’s Restaurant Kitchen, she’s cooking as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Oh hey!
Monica: Hey! How’d your date go with Jake?
Phoebe: Oh, great! We couldn’t keep our eyes off each other all night and then every once and a while y’know, he’d kinda lean over and stroke my hair and touch my neck. (Does that to Monica.)
Monica: Okay, stop it Phoebe, you’re getting me all tingly.
Phoebe: (laughs) All I could think of was y’know, "Is he gonna kiss me? Is he gonna kiss me?"
Monica: And did he?
Phoebe: I’m a lady Monica, I don’t kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself. (She starts to open up her blouse.)
Monica: Okay-okay, I got it. I got it.
Phoebe: I just like him so much that I just feel like I’ve had 10 drinks today and I’ve only had six.
Monica: Oh, I haven’t had that feeling since I first started going out with Chandler. Wow, I’m never gonna have that feeling again am I?
Phoebe: You sound like a guy.
Monica: No, a guy would be saying, "I’m never gonna get to sleep with anyone else." Oh my God! I’m never gonna get to sleep with anyone else! I’ve been so busy planning the wedding that I forgot about all the things that I’d be giving up! I mean, I…I’m never gonna have a first kiss again.
Phoebe: You’ll have a last kiss.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is helping Joey with his tie.]
Ross: Can I ask you something? Have you ever had a guy have a crush on you?
Joey: Is that why you wanted to tie my tie?
Ross: There’s this kid in my class who said he’s in love with me.
Rachel: (entering from her room) Whoa what?
Joey: Ross has a boyfriend.
Ross: I do-I do not have a boyfriend. There’s a guy in one of my classes who-who has a crush on me.
Ross: Yeah! I don’t know. I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it?! Am I giving out some kind of…sexy professor vibe? (Rachel and Joey both look at him.)
Rachel: Not right now.
Ross: It-it—The point is my natural charisma has made him fail his midterm.
Rachel: Oh, see now I feel bad for the kid! I had a crush on a teacher once and it was so hard! Y’know you—I couldn’t concentrate and I blushed every time he looked at me. I mean come on, you remember what’s it’s like to be 19 and in love.
Ross: Yeah. I guess I can cut him some slack.
Joey: How’d you get over that teacher?
Rachel: I didn’t. I got under him.
Joey: (To Ross) Problem solved.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is saying good-bye to her boyfriend Jake at the door to Central Perk.]
Jake: Bye Phoebe.
Phoebe: Okay bye. (They kiss.)
Jake: All right. Bye. (Backs out the door.)
Phoebe: Bye! (Phoebe goes over and joins Monica on the couch.) We said good-bye at the door so as not to flaunt our new love.
Monica: Phoebe, it’s okay. You don’t have to tip toe around me. I-I’ve been thinking about it and umm, y’know what? I’m okay about not having that new relationship feeling…
Jake: (yelling through the window to Phoebe) I miss you already!!
Phoebe: (yelling back) I miss you too!!!! (He walks away.)
Monica: See? That’s what I mean. I mean that, that’s great! But I wouldn’t trade in what I have for that. I mean I’m gonna be with Chandler for the rest of my life, and that’s what makes me happy. (Chandler approaches.) Hey sweetie, come here! Come sit down. Hey Phoebe and I were just talking about how our relationship is deep and meaningful. It really is don’t you think?
Chandler: Oh totally! (Holds up his finger.) Pull my finger.
[Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, Joey’s category is up next and the presenter walks to the podium.]
Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Returning Male Character is McKensize…
[Cut to Joey and Rachel’s table.]
Joey: (To Rachel) This is it! This is my category.
Rachel: I know! My God! Do you have your speech?
Joey: Yeah, I got my speech!
Rachel: Do you got your gracious loser face?
Joey: Yeah. (Does it.)
Rachel: Now Joey remember, if you win you have to hug me! You hug me!
Joey: Okay. Can I squeeze your ass?
Rachel: On TV?! Yeah!
[Cut to the presenter.]
The Presenter: …in the category of Favorite Returning Male Character the nominees are: John Wheeler from General Hospital (Applause), Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless (Applause), Dunkin Harrington from Passions (Applause), and Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives (Applause). And the Soapie goes to…(She opens the envelope)…Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless!
Joey: What the?! (Joey pounds the table and starts yelling at Rachel, and which is drowned out by applause. Rachel is desperately trying to tell Joey that he’s on TV right now. He finally notices and he does his gracious loser face.)
[Scene: The 2001 Soapie Awards, the announcer is introducing the next presenter.]
Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Supporting Actress is Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives. (Applause as Joey angrily walks to the podium and eyes the trophy.)
Joey: (angrily and monotone) Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately only one can. (Shakes his head in disgust.) The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are from Passions Erin Goff. (There is applause, which Joey disgustedly waits to dye out.) From One Life to Live Mary Loren Bishop (They start to applaud again, but Joey interrupts in with the rest of the nominees), from All My Children Sarah Mchann, and from Days of Our Lives Jessica Ashley. And the winner is…(Opens the envelope)…Jessica Ashley from Days of Our Lives. (Applause) Uh, unfortunately Jessica couldn’t be with us tonight so I’ll be accepting this award on her behalf. (Realizes something) And I’m sure that Jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. She’d also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel who’s sittin’ right there! (Points at Rachel.) (The music starts and his microphone is turned off, this angers Joey again and he disgustedly exits.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are entering.]
Rachel: Joey! Why did we have to rush out of there so fast?!
Joey: Rach we had to get out of there because, look what I won! (He whips out the award for Best Supporting Actress that he accepted for Jessica.)
Rachel: Oh my God you stole her award!
Joey: No-no! No, I’m accepting it on her behalf. (He puts it up above the TV to display it.)
Rachel: Joey I don’t think you know what behalf means.
Joey: Sure I do! It’s a verb! As in, "I behalfin’ it!"
Rachel: Joey, you have got to take this back!
Joey: But why?! I should’ve won one and I really want it and she didn’t even care enough to come to the thing! It could also be a Grammy.
Rachel: (looking at the award) No! Joey!
Joey: Come on Rach! No one saw me take it! There was a whole table full of ‘em.
Rachel: Do you really want an award you didn’t win?
Joey: No! I want an award I did win! But nobody’s giving me any of those! Plus—Hey Rach, if-if I put it up there (Points to the TV) right? When people come over they’ll see it and they’ll think I won it.
Rachel: Joey is says Best Supporting Actress!
Joey: I can scratch that right off.
Rachel: Joey no, this is wrong! You have to take it back, okay? You don’t want to win an award this way. You’re very talented. And someday you’re gonna win one of these for real and that one is gonna mean something.
Joey: All right!
Rachel: All right? (He sets the award down.) Thank you.
Joey: I’ll take it back tomorrow.
Rachel: Thank you.
(He goes into his room and closes the door. Rachel goes to pick it up and…)
Joey: (opening his door) If I can’t have it you can’t have it! (Rachel walks away angrily.)
[Scene: Ross’s Classroom, he is writing on the board and Alan is coming in to see him.]
Lewis: Professor Geller?
Ross: (turning towards him) Yes Mr. Lewis, how can I help you?
Lewis: I know I didn’t do well on my midterms and stuff but, I was kinda hoping you could change my grade.
Ross: And why exactly would I do that? (Goes back to writing on the board.)
Lewis: Because I’m in love with you.
Ross: (turning around and dragging the chalk down the board) What?!
Lewis: Yeah, I’m all…in love with you and stuff. So could you change my grade?
Lewis: Well why not you changed Ned’s grade!
Ross: Well that’s different! Okay? Because he, he was actually in love with me!
Lewis: No he’s not! He’s totally yanking your chain! He’s done this with three other teachers!
Lewis: He’s got a girlfriend!
Ross: I can’t believe someone would do that for a grade.
Lewis: I know! It’s awful. I love you.
(Ross glares at him.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Monica enters.]
Monica: Have you seen Chandler?
Phoebe: No. Why?
Monica: ‘Cause I just keeping thinking about all these things that I’m not gonna have and it’s freaking me out. I don’t know what to do about it.
Phoebe: Okay, don’t sweat it. (Looking around her.) Chandler is nowhere around so go ahead get it out of your system. That guy’s cute. (Points to a guy sitting behind Monica.)
Monica: Phoebe! Come on I’m serious! I just got to talk to him about all this.
Phoebe: No that is the last thing you want to do!
Phoebe: Because you’re marrying him!
Monica: You gotta help me out here Pheebs.
Phoebe: All right, I’ve never been engaged and I’ve never really been married, but I can only tell you what my mother told me. Whenever you have doubts or fears or anxieties about a relationship, do not communicate them to your husband.
Monica: So I’m not supposed to share my doubts and fears with the guy I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with?
Phoebe: That is correct! Yes, you’re supposed to take all of that stuff and put it in a little box in your mind and then lock it up tight.
Monica: Your mother told you this?
Monica: The woman that got married a bunch of times and killed herself when you were 13?
Phoebe: Oh my God! You’re right! Go! (Monica starts to leave.) Go tell Chandler! Hurry before it’s too late! Wait no! (Monica stops.) Does this also mean putting out doesn’t get you love? (Monica is shocked.)
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey and Rachel are there to give Jessica her award.]
Rachel: I cannot believe I’m gonna meet Jessica Ashley!
Joey: Okay wait-wait p-please be cool! Okay? I work with this woman.
Rachel: Okay, I’m totally cool! (She coolly knocks on the door)
Jessica Ashley: Come in.
Joey: Hey Jessica.
Rachel: (coolly) Hey Jess.
Joey: Ah, this is my friend Rachel.
Jessica Ashley: Hi.
Rachel: ‘Sup? (Joey glares at her.)
Joey: Uh listen, here’s your Soapie. I accepted it for ya. (Hands it to her.)
Jessica Ashley: (shocked) Oh my God! I won! Do you have any idea what this means?! (She rolls her eyes and throws it onto the couch.)
Joey: Well, that-that-that’s it? You’re gonna, you’re gonna put it on your self or anything?
Jessica Ashley: No, I try to save that for real awards. Now, if you’ll excuse me. (She exits.)
Joey: (To Rachel) Take it back?
Joey: Y-y-yeah! (As they start to leave, Rachel pauses and steals a vase with flowers in it.) Yeah you do. (They exit.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is talking to Chandler.]
Monica: Honey, as we get closer to the wedding, is there anything that you would like to talk about or share?
Chandler: Okay. Well, I think the centerpieces are too big
Monica: You’re wrong! The centerpieces are fine! Do you ever get scared at all?
Chandler: Kinda. They’re really big.
Monica: Doesn’t it ever just freak you out that-that you’re never gonna be with anybody new again?
Monica: Just, I love you so much. Just…It’s just sometimes it bothers me that I’m never gonna have that feeling. Y’know when you meet someone for the first time and it’s new and exciting? Y’know that rush?
Chandler: No. No, see when I first meet somebody it’s uh it’s mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.
Monica: Okay, but all right you’re a guy, does it not freak you that you’re never gonna sleep with anybody else?
Chandler: Sleeping with somebody new, anxiety, panic, and I’m afraid even more sweating.
Monica: Even with me?
Chandler: I was dangerously dehydrated during the first six months of our relationship. (Monica laughs.) Look, for me the rush is knowing that we are gonna be together for the rest of our lives.
Chandler: Well yeah! But now that I know that you’re having these thoughts, I’m back to panic, anxiety, and uh I’m definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink.
Monica: Come here! Come here! (They hug.) Sweetie you don’t have to worry. No, besides y’know what? I’m gonna have a lot of new things with you. The first time we buy a house. Our first kid. Our first grandkid…
Chandler: (hoarsely) Water! Water! Water!
[Scene: Ross’s classroom, he has just finished his lecture and the students are filing out.]
Ross: Uh Mr. Morse, can I speak to you for a moment?
Morse: (walking up) That was a great lecture today. Did you get a little hair cut?
Ross: Uh-hmm, yeah-yeah do you like it? Do-do you looove it? I just want you to know that I’m changing your grade back.
Morse: What?! Why?
Ross: ‘Cause I know what you’re trying to pull here. Okay? It’s not gonna work.
Morse: I’m not trying to pull anything. Look I love you dude.
Ross: Y’know what? I-I’m not even gonna talk about this. Okay? This little thing is over. I know you have a girlfriend! Okay—(Ned looks shocked)—Yeah! And I know about the other professors! How do you think that makes me feel Ned?! You used me! You don’t love me and you never did! (Ross turns around to make a grand exit but runs into two colleagues.) Ah Professor Winston, Professor Fredrickson, I’ll be right with you. (To Ned) Don’t make this worse and I’ll give you a C. (To the professors) Shall we? (They leave.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering.]
Rachel: I’ll be out in a second.
(Phoebe notices the Soapie on the counter.)
Phoebe: Oh. (Picks it up.) It’s just so unexpected! I…I uh…Boy I’ll tell you it’s just such an honor to be nominated for a Nobel Prize and y’know to win one for a massage. Especially after having just won a Tony award for best actress in…
Rachel: (entering from her room) Honey, we have to go. Our reservations are at 8:00.
Phoebe: …in Reservations at 8:00 by Neil Simon. (To an imaginary Neil Simon) Thank-thank you Neil. Thank you for the words. (Blows him a kiss.)
Rachel: Okay honey, you can finish this later we’re gonna be late. We gotta go.
Phoebe: Please, don’t play the music. Just uh one more. LIVE FROM NEW YORK! IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!