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老友记第七季719 The One With Ross and Monica’s Cousin

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哦,嗨!试演如何?对不起,我认识你吗?你在干吗?没事,我在练习疏远你们,因为我就要成为一个电影明星了!哦!你得到角色了?嗯,不,还没有。不过试演很成功。片子讲什么的?哦,这个还在做预算的电影是讲世纪之交时,三个意大利兄弟来到美国的故事。很经典的故事!哦,而且那个导演据说是下一个下一个Martin Scorcese(著名黑帮影片导演)。下一个下一个?对,有个来自芝加哥的家伙据说是下一个Martin Scorcese。可我说的这家伙排在他后面。你好!Joey!我是Estelle!我刚和剧组的人谈过,他们喜欢你!他们喜欢我!对,他们想明天再见见你。天啊!只有一个问题。正面全裸你能接受吗?你开玩笑吧?我租的每部片子都有裸体看!哦...嗯,这样吧,我一会儿打回去。怎么了?他们要我在影片中全裸!哇!是啊,我奶奶会看到的!奶奶要排队。婚礼就要到了!你们紧张吗?紧张。不过我多少也有些盼着它赶紧结束呢!Chandler和我说好在婚礼前不再有性爱。无性的约定,嗯?实际上我和每个美国女人都有这样的约定。嗨Phoebe,帮个忙?好啊。我要收拾一下客房。嗨,Cassie表妹要和我们住一阵子。Cassie?嗯哼。哇,我已经很久很久没见过她了。我想她可能还带着芭比娃娃四处跑呢。Ross,她都25岁了。那又怎么样?我不是还有...哦,看来你是对。嘿!嗨!嗨!嗨Pheebs,能在这儿跟你谈点事吗?行!狡猾的家伙!什么?我知道你们在谋划我的新婚惊喜聚会。就算是吧别破坏气氛合作些吧!好的,抱歉。哦天啊!我们要为她举行个聚会吗?嗨!那部影片你怎么决定的?我不知道!这看起来不像个色情片。这是个严肃的、正统的片子。你知道而且裸戏在故事中很重要。我就是这么说色情片的啊!你说的对。也许我都不必回复他们。不!你应该回复他们!很多主流明星都演过裸戏!我是说这是个当电影明星的机会,怎么样啊?嗯,你说的对。我只有一处裸戏。再说,故事听起来确实不错。我的角色是个天主教徒,爱上了一个犹太姑娘。我们一起私奔,却遇到了可怕的暴雨。于是我们躲进谷仓,脱掉对方的衣服拥抱在一起。真的很温馨。再说,大家都能看到你的那玩意了。那我们什么时候办这个聚会?她忙得厉害,我们只有两个日子可选。周五不错...那就只有两天准备时间。另一个日子呢?昨天!那如果我们昨天就办好了的话,好耶!搞定了!哦天啊,Phoebe,这事没法办!我们没法在周五办!我们要找个地方。我们要邀请客人!我们要准备吃的!要做的事太多了!没法办!我们做不了!我们做不了!我们做不了!Rachel,冷静!好,抱歉。你是对的,你是对的。冷静一下,女人!Phoebe,我已经..已经冷静下来了。哦,好吧,看来我需要冷静一下。好,好。我认为如果组织得当,我们是能办成的,是吧?我们有两天时间准备。我们只要决断些就行!对不?好,我们在哪里办?嗯,就这儿。几点呢?4点。吃的呢?三明治和茶。哦太好了!很像Monica。还有红辣椒!啊,这就过了。嗯,鲜花还是气球?都要!你知道我们要自己掏腰包的。那就都不要!好,嗯,聚会的主题是什么?肉体的欲望。什么?我不知道。牛仔主题怎么样?嗨!嗨!你知道,我...我很高兴我们决定在婚礼前不再发生关系。哦,小子,我也是!我在想如果我们...大吵一架,分手几个小时...s..理论上讲我们可以再发生关系。哦?你觉得如何,专横独裁的家伙?婚礼取消了,肥胖幼稚的家伙!就是我!来吧!好。等等,我们不能这么做。我的表妹在客房里呢。我们说好一起吃午饭的。那就摆脱她,强迫症和尖嗓子。lunch.尖嗓子?婚礼又恢复了!我好像听到你们的声音了。你就是Chandler吧。嘿!很高兴见到你!很高兴见到你。那,你准备好出发了吗?好了。Chandler!我跟你一起去。Cassie得住在你那里了。什么?为什么?因为这位“举止不当”先生老盯着她看。什么?Chandler她是我们的表妹!我们没有盯着她看,知道吗?我只是在专心倾听。这是一个健谈者的行为。你们看。说点什么。你当时盯着南方8英寸处。好吧,她就住我那里吧。顺便问一下,Cassie现在长成什么样了?她长得很像Marilyn姨妈。嗯,那Marilyn姨妈是...她来不来参加婚礼啊?别惹我发火!嗨,我回来了!嘿,Joey。嗯,那我要不要再演一遍那个场景?其实,我们本来要打电话给你。你今天不用来了。哦太好了!你知道我很适合这个角色,不过无所谓!非常感谢你们做了个错误的决定毁掉了你们的影片!再见!等等Joey!你不用来,是因为导演昨天看过你的表演录像...而且很喜欢。还有场景!嗯?是不是很好玩?我们有些改进好!好!你...你说吧。嗯,导演认为你对角色的把握很正确,想明天见见你。哇!行!太好了!哦而且你的经纪人说你同意演裸戏。对!对没错,只要处理得当,而且那个谷仓别太冷就行。太好了!那,嗯,还有一件事。嗯,对于这个导演来说,影片中每个东西都看上去可信很重要。那在你和Sarah的爱情场景中,她说到她从未见过非犹太人的裸体男子。所以...所以什么?所以...嗯,导演强调无论谁演那个角色都必须可信。从解剖学角度看应该不是个犹太人。你知道我在说什么吧?知道!好。不知道,你说什么呢?一个意大利天主教移民应该没有...bah mitzvah?(参加过犹太成人礼)那么说,要得到这个角色你就不能割过那个?对。可你其实割了?对可你告诉他们,你没有割过?是啊。哇!哇!那这就全完了?没有什么可做的吗?你有什么主意?我不知道!我真想得到这个角色!他们告诉你在试演中,无论对方问你什么,你都回答是。比如...比如他们要你骑马,你就说会骑!回头再去学。Joey!这可不像学骑马那么简单!这就像学习如何...长出衣领来!我知道!我知道!行了吗?显然明天我要去见导演,还要脱下裤子让他们检查我的身体什么样。哦天啊,你准备怎么办?看来我只能给我的经纪人打电话,告诉她我没法演。除非!除非什么?哦,听起来可能有些疯狂,不过也许我们可以做个造型。什么样的?哦,我还没想好,不过,嗯,我突然有个念头,用双面胶带和一些午餐肉。嗨!我想到了该送客人们什么礼物。嗯,我们找点桃木盒子,把每个人的名字都刻在上面,里面装上每人的生日石。好,好。好吧,你负责这个。还有,聚会就在明天,我们还没有客人名单呢。好!好吧,我们知道谁会来?我,还有你?嗨!嗨!嗨!什么事Mon?啊,我想为Joey做点什么。不介意我搜刮一下你的冰箱吧?搜刮吧。嗯,好,火鸡。嗯,这个没用,奶酪...也没用,Olive面包...我希望没用。你给他做三明治呐?不,这个...嗯,更像条围巾。好了,嗯,我得走了。我想你们可以继续讨论该给我什么礼物了!我们还要给她礼物?是啊,不过瞧啊!瞧我找到了什么?她的通讯录!我们有客人名单了!哦天啊,你真了不起!你刚才从她钱包里顺出来的?嗯哼,还有一点聚会的启动资金。Cassie?嗨Ross!嗨!好久不见!上次我看见你的时候,你正忙着收帐篷好去看Return of the Jedi。哦,哦,没错。这么说你那天你看见我了,我还以为你没看见呢。是啊,不好意思啊没事,进,进来吧。谢谢你让我住在这儿!我是说Monica那里不错,就是她的未婚夫老盯着我。哦。哦天啊!你学起Chandler来很像啊!嗯哼。是的,我...我模仿别人有一套。啊,也许等我们重新了解后,你可以学(干)我。是。不!我快吃完了。感谢上帝。我记得我们最后一次见面,我们父母一起租下了那栋海滨别墅。哦对,没错。哦,记得那时我...我把你按倒在地,把你咯吱哭了。我们现在已经不能那么孩子气了。我会永远记得那个夏天的,因为那时起我开始长这些雀斑。嗯哼!嗯哼!还有...我会永远记得那个夏天,因为那时我才意识到我们是亲戚。你长那么大才明白过来啊,嗯?哦,我...我反应有些慢。就像我们的孩子一样。嘿!嘿!你好吗?好。嘿,感谢光临。哦,谢谢。谢谢。不要?好吧。哦,见到你真高兴。不要。不,谢谢。好吧。嗨,Rach?嗯?这些家伙到底是什么人?哦,我不知道。我给她通讯录上所有的人都打了电话。这些是24小时内...可以来的所有人了。嗯,你知道他们有另外一种称呼。衰人!嘿!我是Rachel。这位是Phoebe。我是伴娘。你怎么认识Monica的?我四年前是她的会计。哦!我很想知道过去四年都是谁在管她的税务。太好了!那,Monica什么时候来啊?我不知道。请等我们一会儿。你没通知她来?该是你通知的!不,不该我!你负责通知她,我负责准备蛋糕!好吧,我这就去叫她。好!请让她带蛋糕来!好,我们有几种选择,你可以试试这些模型。哇!看起来很棒!是啊!好,这个是蘑菇的伞。嗯,这个是用腊肠做的。还有...还有牙签?哦,先等胶水干了再说。感谢上帝!这个,这个比较实用,不过容易腐烂。啊!怎么样?这里有粉红的山羊皮,很不错。不过...嗯,如果湿了的话就会缩水。哦,那我们就不要它了。我还...用毛皮做了个东西。不过,嗯,是为我自己做的。嗯。那么,你干吗不进屋去试试这些玩意?这样我们就可以知道哪种方式更好。谢了,你真是个好朋友。这事太诡异了。噢!牙签?对。你现在试哪个呢?水果卷儿。怎么样?好吃!Joey!等一下!等一下!有个合适的!什么?哪一个?泥彩蛋(Silly Putty)!现在没那么傻(silly)了!她是你的表妹。她是你的表妹!如果她知道你脑子里在想什么,她会认为你有病!她真的会那么想?让我们回顾一下。是她提议打开酒瓶的。是她调暗灯光的。是她要租Logan' s Run 这样一部性感影片来看的。哦,我知道那种眼神。算了吧!我这么想,她也这么想。我要开始了。嗨!你到底在干什么?说点机灵的话!好,不一定是机灵的,说点什么就行。说点什么。任何话都可以!哦天啊!从来没有人这么长时间都不说话的!说什么都比现在这样强!说就是了!我...我很长时间没有过性生活了。是啊,你真的什么都不该说。Phoebe!Rachel!我是Monica!我不知你们这么晚才通知我到底想玩什么花招!哦。哦 Monica,我们很抱歉。为了什么?嗯首先,我们忘了要给你准备新婚聚会。接着又忘了通知你来。你们...你们已经办完了?是的。嗯,我们给你通讯录上的每个人都打了电话,来了好些人,可是...过了很久才把你叫来,他们已经走了。是啊,我们本来想给你个大惊喜和难忘的聚会,现在你什么都没得到。我们全搞砸了。唔...等一下,你们说的不对!不,你们做的非常好。而且这多少就是我想要的。你...你什么意思?哦,我现在要和我真正喜欢的人一起办这个聚会!我是说,我不用和那些我不喜欢的人说话就能收下他们的礼物!惊喜啊...惊...惊喜?...Monica。最酷的是,这个人物来自那不勒斯,是吧?是。我全家都来自那不勒斯!哦,太好了!好,我已经听到了所有我想听的。我还要...嗯,Leslie...Joey,这是比较难办的地方。哦!对了!没问题。我完全理解。你需要知道我没有什么吓人的疤痕或纹身。别担心,我没什么可隐瞒的。现在瞧吧,这就是我。百分之百天然的!我跟你们说,这事从未发生过。Cassie,东西都可以吧?是啊!真的谢谢你让我住这儿。哦!没问题!我...怎么了?说点什么!什么都行!约她出去!她不是你的表妹!
719 The One With Ross and Monica’s Cousin
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are on the couch as Joey enters.]
Phoebe: (To Joey) Oh hey! How was your audition?
Joey: I’m sorry, do I know you?
Phoebe: What are you doing?
Joey: Nothing, I’m just practicing blowing you off because I’m gonna be a big movie star!
Phoebe: Oh! You got it?!
Joey: Well, no not yet. But the audition went really good.
Monica: What was it for?
Joey: Oh, it’s this big budget period movie about these three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. It’s really classy! Oh, and the director is supposed to be the next, next Martin Scorcese.
Phoebe: The next, next?
Joey: Yeah, there’s this guy from Chicago who’s supposed to be the next Martin Scorcese, all right? But then this guy’s right after him. (Joey’s cell phone rings and he answers it.) Hello!
Estelle: Joey! It’s Estelle! I just talked to the casting people; they loved you!
Joey: (to Monica and Phoebe) They loved me!
Estelle: Yeah, they wanna see you again tomorrow.
Joey: (on phone) Oh my God!
Estelle: There’s just one thing. Do you have a problem with full frontal nudity?
Joey: Are you kidding me? I never rent a movie without it! (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Uh, okay uh let me call you back. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: What’s the matter?
Joey: They want me to be totally naked in the movie!
Monica: Wow!
Joey: I know! My grandmother’s gonna see this!
Phoebe: Grandma’s gonna have to get in line.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, (although its really just Monica’s now with Matthew Perry in rehab) Monica is folding her laundry with Ross reading the paper and Phoebe standing in the kitchen.]
Phoebe: Hey the wedding is so close! Are you getting nervous?
Monica: Yeah. But a part of me also can’t wait ‘til it’s over. Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex again until the wedding.
Ross: A no sex pact huh? I actually have one of those going on with every woman in America.
Monica: Hey Phoebe, will you give me a hand?
Phoebe: Sure.
Monica: I gotta make up the guest bedroom. (To Ross) Hey, Cousin Cassie is coming to stay with us a few days.
Ross: Cassie?
Monica: Uh-hmm.
Ross: Wow, I haven’t seen her for like forever. I wonder if she still carries that Barbie everywhere she goes.
Monica: Ross, she’s 25 years old.
Ross: So what! I still have—No you’re probably right.
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey Pheebs, can I talk to you over here for a second?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Monica: Subtle guys!
Phoebe: What?!
Monica: I know you’re planning my surprise bridal shower.
Rachel: (laughs) Well okay—Well don’t ruin it! Just play along at least!
Monica: Okay. Sorry. (She goes into the guest bedroom.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Oh my God! We have to throw her a shower?!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is entering.]
Monica: Hey! What did you decide to do about the movie?
Joey: I don’t know! It’s not like it’s porn! This is a serious, legitimate movie. Y’know? And the nudity is really important to the story.
Monica: That’s what you say about porn.
Joey: You’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t even go on the call back.
Monica: No! No you should! A lot of major actors do nude scenes! I mean the chance to star in a movie? Come on!
Joey: Well that’s true. And I am only naked in one scene. Plus it sounds really great. My character’s catholic and he falls in love with this Jewish girl. Who run away together and they get caught in this big rainstorm. So we go into this barn and undress each other and hold each other. It’s really sweet and-and tender.
Monica: Plus, everyone’s gonna see your thing. (Giggles.)
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are trying to plan Monica’s shower.]
Phoebe: Well when can we have this shower?
Rachel: She has got so much going on we-we have only two options. We have Friday…
Phoebe: Well that’s only two days away. What is the other option?
Rachel: Yesterday!
Phoebe: Well if we make it yesterday, woo-hoo! We’re done!
Rachel: Oh my God Phoebe, this is impossible! We can’t do this by Friday! We have to find a place. We have to invite people! We have to get food! There’s just too much to do! It’s impossible! We can’t do it! We cannot do it! We cannot do it!
Phoebe: Rachel, calm down!
Rachel: (calmly) Okay. I’m sorry. You’re right, you’re right.
Phoebe: (grabs and shakes Rachel) Just calm down woman!
Rachel: Phoebe, I already, I already did.
Phoebe: Oh okay. All right, then I need to calm down a little.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. (They sit down.) I think we can do this if we just get organized. All right? We have two days to plan this party. We just need to make fast decisions! Okay? All right, where are we gonna have it?
Phoebe: Uh, here. What time?
Rachel: 4 o’clock. Food?
Phoebe: Finger sandwiches and tea.
Rachel: Ooh great! Very Monica.
Phoebe: And chili!
Rachel: Ah you went one too far. Uh, flowers or balloons?
Phoebe: Both!
Rachel: We’re paying for this y’know.
Phoebe: Neither.
Rachel: Okay. Umm, what should we do for the theme?
Phoebe: Lusts of the flesh.
Rachel: (pause) What?
Phoebe: I don’t know. (Timidly) A cowboy theme?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is on the couch writing when Chandler enters to make his brief cameo.]
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: Y’know I’m-I’m really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding.
Monica: Oh boy me too!
Chandler: Y’know I was thinking if we had a…a big fight and uh we broke up for a few hours…
Monica: Yeah?
Chandler: Technically we could have sex again. What do you think, bossy and domineering?!
Monica: The wedding is off, sloppy and immature!
Chandler: That’s me! Come on!
Monica: Okay. (They both jump up to head for there room, but Monica stops.) But wait, we can’t. My Cousin Cassie is in the guest room, we’re supposed to have lunch.
Chandler: Well get rid of her, obsessive and shrill.
Monica: Shrill?! The wedding is back on!
(Cassie enters from the guest room, with her hair up. The extremely beautiful and sexy Denise Richards is playing Cassie. Woo hoo! For those of you who don’t know who she is, rent Wild Things and she was also the last Bond girl in The World Is Not Enough.)
Cassie: I thought I heard voices. You must be Chandler.
Chandler: (transfixed) Hi! Nice to meet you!
Cassie: Nice to meet you too.
Monica: So, are you ready to go?
Cassie: Yeah.
(She lets her hair down and whips her hair around in Baywatch-esque slow motion with a Barry White song in the background. Chandler needless to say can’t help but stare along with the rest of the male and lesbian population of North America.)
Monica: (catching him) Chandler!
Chandler: I’ll be right with you.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Chandler and Monica enters.]
Monica: (To Ross) Cassie needs to stay at your place.
Ross: What—why?
Monica: Because Purvry Perverson over here can’t stop staring at her.
Ross: What?! Chandler she’s our cousin!
Chandler: I was not staring at her. Okay? I was just listening intently. It’s called being a good conversationalist. Watch. (Stares at Monica’s eyes.) Say something.
Monica: You were staring about eight inches south of there.
Ross: Fine, she can stay at my place. By the way, what-what does Cassie even look like now.
Monica: She looks exactly like Aunt Marilyn.
Chandler: Umm, so this Aunt Marilyn is-is-is-is she coming to the wedding?
Monica: Wafer thin ice!
[Scene: A Casting Director’s Office, Joey is entering for his callback.]
Joey: Hey, I’m back!
The Casting Director: Hi-hi Joey.
Joey: Uh so, will-will I be reading the same scene again?
The Casting Director: Actually, I tried to call to you. You didn’t need to come down here today.
Joey: Oh great! Y’know I would’ve been perfect for this part, but whatever! Y’know, thanks for making a bad decision and ruining your movie! Good day! (Starts to leave.)
The Casting Director: Wait Joey! You didn’t need to come down because the director saw your tape from yesterday and loved it.
Joey: And scene! Huh? Wasn’t that fun? We did a little improv there. Yeah! Okay! So you-you-you-you were saying?
The Casting Director: Well, the director thinks you’re really right for the part and wants to meet you tomorrow.
Joey: Wow! Sure! That’s great!
The Casting Director: Oh and your agent said you were okay with the nudity.
Joey: Yeah! Yeah sure, just long as it’s handled tastefully and that barn is not too cold.
The Casting Director: Terrific! Well uh, there’s one more thing. Uhh, uh it’s really important to the director that everything in this movie is authentic. Yeah and so in your love scene with Sarah she talks about how she’s never seen a naked man who wasn’t Jewish. So… (Laughs.)
Joey: So…What?
The Casting Director: So uh well the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what I’m saying?
Joey: Yes!
The Casting Director: Okay.
Joey: No. What?
The Casting Director: An Italian Catholic immigrant at this time would not be…
Joey: Barmifsaed?
(The casting director shakes her head.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is telling Monica what the casting director was trying to get too.]
Monica: So to get this part you can’t be?
Joey: Nope.
Monica: But you are?
Joey: Yep.
Monica: But you told them you weren’t?
Joey: That’s right.
Monica: Wow! Wow! And it’s definitely all gone? There’s nothing there to work with? (Joey glares at her.) What were you thinking?
Joey: I don’t know! I really want this part! And they tell you no matter what you get asked at an audition you say yes. Like if-if they want you to ride a horse, you tell ‘em you can! And just figure out how to do it later.
Monica: Joey! This is not like learning to ride a horse! This is like learning to…grow a turtleneck!
Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like.
Monica: Oh my God, what are you gonna do?!
Joey: I just have to call my agent and tell her I can’t do the part. (Gets up for the phone.)
Monica: Unless!
Joey: Unless what?
Monica: Well, this may sound crazy, but there maybe something we could fashion.
Joey: Like what?
Monica: Well I’m not sure yet, but umm of the top of my head I’m thinking double sided tape and some sort of luncheon meat.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering and Rachel is still planning.]
Phoebe: Hey! I’ve got a great idea for party favors for the shower. Okay, we get some uh mahogany boxes and carve everyone’s names in them and inside is everyone’s individual birth stone.
Rachel: Okay. Okay. All right, you take care of that. And meanwhile, the party is tomorrow and we still don’t have a guest list.
Phoebe: Okay. Okay! Well okay, who do we know that’s coming? Me. Are you?
Monica: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hey! What’s up Mon?
Monica: Well uh, I’m trying to make something for Joey. Do you mind if I raid your fridge?
Rachel: Have at it.
Monica: Okay. (Opens the fridge.) All right, turkey. Eh, that won’t work. Cheese? (Picks it up) That won’t work. Olive loaf? (Picks it up) I hope that won’t work.
Rachel: Are you makin’ him a sandwich?
Monica: No it’s umm, more like a wrap. Okay so uh, I’m gonna go guys.
Phoebe and Rachel: Okay.
Monica: I guess you can get back to deciding on what to get me for a present! (Runs out.)
Rachel: (To Phoebe, after Monica’s gone) We have to get her a present?!
Phoebe: Okay but look! Look at what I got! It’s her address book! (Holds it up.) We have a guest list!
Rachel: Oh my God you’re amazing! Did you just pull that out of her purse?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, and a little seed money for the party. (Holds up $40.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, there is a knock on the door and Ross opens it to Cassie.]
Ross: (shocked at her beauty) Cassie?!
Cassie: Hey Ross!
Ross: Hey!
Cassie: (hugs him) It’s been so long! Last time I saw you, you were setting up your tent in line to see Return of the Jedi.
Ross: Oh. Oh, that’s right. So-so you did see me that day because it seemed like you didn’t.
Cassie: Ah yeah, sorry about that.
Ross: It’s okay. Come, come on in.
Cassie: Thanks for letting me stay here! I mean Monica’s place was nice, but her fiancee sure stares a lot.
Ross: Oh.
(She sets down her bag and we travel back to slow motion world. She once again whips her hair around in slow motion with the love doctor Barry White singing in the background. And I’d also like to take this opportunity to mention that she can also be seen in Starship Troopers and that she was born in Downers Grove, Illinois which just happens to be a few miles from where I live. Anyway Cousin Ross is now staring.)
Cassie: Oh my God! You do a great Chandler!
Ross: Uh-huh. Yeah I-I have a knack for impressions.
Cassie: Well, maybe after we get reacquainted uh, you can do me.
Ross: Yeah—No!!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie is eating dinner and Ross is pacing behind her because of what she’s eating.]
Ross: Cassie, how you-how you doin’ on that…hot dog.
Cassie: I’m all done.
Ross: (quietly) Thank God.
Cassie: I guess the last time we really hung out was when our parents rented that beach house together.
Ross: Oh right. Right. Ooh, remember the time I uh, I pinned you down and tickled you ‘til you cried? (She laughs) We’re probably too old to do that now.
Cassie: I’ll always remember that summer, because it’s when I got all of these freckles. (She pulls her blouse open to show him her shoulder and bra strap.)
Ross: (looking then moving away quickly) Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And-and-and I’ll always remember that summer because that’s when I realized that we are related.
Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out, huh?
Ross: Well I’m, I’m a little slow. (To himself) Just as our children would be.
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, it’s Monica’s bridal shower and Phoebe is passing out some finger food.]
Phoebe: Hi!
Woman: Hi!
Phoebe: How are you? (The woman nods) Good. (She goes over to another couple of women.) Hi, thanks for coming.
Woman: Oh thank you.
(The other woman declines.)
Phoebe: Thank you. (To the other woman) No? (She nods.) All right. (She goes to another pairing.) Oh, it’s so nice to see you.
Woman: No.
The Other Woman: No thanks.
Phoebe: Okay. (Goes over to Rachel.) Hey Rach?
Rachel: Yeah?
Phoebe: Who the hell are all these people?
Rachel: Well, I don’t know. I called all the people in Monica’s phone book and these are the only ones who could show up on 24 hours notice.
Phoebe: Hmm, y’know there’s another word for people like that. Losers!
(A woman approaches.)
Rachel: (to her) Hi! I’m Rachel. This is Phoebe. I’m the maid of honor. How do you know Monica?
Woman: I was her accountant four years ago.
Rachel: Ohhhh!
Woman: I’m very interested to find out who’s been doing her taxes these last four years.
Rachel: That’s great!
Woman: So, what time is Monica supposed to get here?
Phoebe and Rachel: (to each other) I don’t know.
Rachel: (to the woman) Excuse us for a minute. (They go into the kitchen.) You didn’t tell her to come?!
Phoebe: You were supposed to tell her!
Rachel: No I wasn’t! You were supposed to tell her to come and I was supposed to bring the cake!
Phoebe: Fine, I’ll go call her.
Rachel: Yes! And please tell her to bring a cake!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the counter as Monica enters carrying a tray.]
Monica: Okay, we have a lot of options here, a number of prototypes for you to try on.
Joey: Wow! This looks great!
Monica: Yeah! Okay, this one is a mushroom cap. (Points to it.) Umm, this one is made of bologna. (Points.)
Joey: And-and-and-and-and the toothpicks?
Monica: Oh, just until the glue dries.
Joey: Thank God!
Monica: (to a whole group) Now, these are-are more realistic, but perishable.
Joey: Ah.
Monica: Okay? (To a different group) Over here we have pink suede, which is nice. But umm, if it gets wet then you know it’s gonna shrink.
Joey: Well maybe we just take that one away. (Picks it up and throws it away.)
Monica: I also, did a little something in fur. But umm, that’s really just for me. (Rubs it against her cheek.) Okay. So, why don’t you go into your room and try these on and we’ll see—get a better idea of what’s gonna work.
Joey: Thanks, you are such a good friend. And this is so weird.
(He goes into his room to try them on and closes the door.)
Joey: Ow!
Monica: Toothpick?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: What are you trying on now?
Joey: The fruit roll up.
Monica: And?
Joey: Delicious.
Monica: Joey!
Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We have a winner!
Monica: What?! Which one?!
Joey: The Silly Putty! It’s not so silly anymore!
(They hug.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Cassie and Ross are watching a movie and Cassie is pouring Ross some more wine as Ross has his hands full with the glass and holding the bowl of popcorn in his lap.]
Ross: (in his head) She’s your cousin. She’s your cousin! If she knew what was going on in your head she’d think you were sick! (She grabs some popcorn.) Or would she? Let’s back up a second. She was the one who suggested opening a bottle of wine. She was the one who turned down the lights. She was the one that wanted to rent Logan’s Run, the sexiest movie ever. (She grabs the blanket from behind him and looks at him.) Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I want it. She wants it. I’m going in.
(They exchange looks, smile, and shrug their shoulders before Ross suddenly lunges forward in an attempt to kiss her, but she expertly backs away.)
Cassie: Hey! What the hell are you doing?! (They sit back up.)
Ross: (in his head) Say something clever! (Pause.) Okay, doesn’t have to be clever, it just has to be words. Say some words. (Pause) Any words will do. (Pause) Oh my God! This is the longest that anyone has not talked ever! (Pause) There is nothing you can say to make this worse!! So just say something!! (Pause.) (To her) I-I, I uh haven’t had sex in a very long time. (She leaves.) (In his head) Yeah, you really shouldn’t have said anything.
[Scene: outside Phoebe's apartment, Monica is knocking on the door.]
Monica: Phoebe! Rachel! It’s Monica! I wonder what you could possibly need me for on such short notice! (She bursts into the apartment to find only Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch.) Oh.
Rachel: Oh Monica, we are so sorry.
Monica: For what?
Rachel: Well first, for forgetting to throw you a bridal shower.
Phoebe: And then for forgetting to invite you to it.
Monica: You al-you already had it?
Phoebe: Yeah. Well, we called everyone in your phone book and bunch of people came, but it took us so long to get you here that they-they had to leave.
Rachel: Yeah, we wanted to throw you a big surprise and a great shower, and now you don’t have either.
Phoebe: We ruined everything.
Rachel: Ugh…
Monica: Well no wait a minute that’s not true! No, what did, that was really sweet. And it kinda works out for the best.
Rachel: What do you, what do you mean?
Monica: Well now, I get to spend my shower with the only people I really love! I mean, I get all those presents (Motions to the pile in the corner) without having to talk to people I don’t even like!
(Suddenly, everyone stands up and comes out of hiding. All of them are glaring at Monica.)
Rachel: Surprise…
Phoebe: Sur-surprise.
Rachel: …Monica.
[Scene: The casting director’s office, Joey is there to show off to the director, so to speak.]
Joey: And what’s cool is, the character is from Naples, right?
The Director: Yeah.
Joey: My whole family’s from Naples!
The Director: Oh that’s great! Okay, well I’ve heard everything I need to hear. I just need to uh, Leslie…
The Casting Director: Joey, this is awkward part.
Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to y’know make sure I don’t have any horrible scars or tattoos. Don’t you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands back up and looks down.) So there you go, that’s me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joey’s legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, there’s a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is getting out linens for Cassie who is in the bathroom.]
Phoebe: Cassie, are you finding everything okay in there?
Cassie: Yeah! Thank you so much for letting me stay here.
Phoebe: Oh! No problem! I… (Cassie emerges from the bathroom and we once again visit slow motion Barry White background music land with the sexy hair-flipping thing going on, only this time Phoebe is entranced. For more information on Denise Richards you can visit your local library or look her up on the Internet at her official website at www.deniserichards.com.)
Cassie: (noticing her) What?
Phoebe: (in her head) Say something! Say anything! Ask her out! She’s not your cousin!

End
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