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老友记第七季720 The One With Rachel’s Big Kiss

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嘿!我们这些人里,你觉得下一个结婚的人是谁?可能是莫妮卡和钱德.嘿.我要一包纽宝牌香烟.哦,嗯,我们不卖香烟,不过街对面的报摊上有.那很好,谢谢.哦天啊,梅丽莎.沃伯顿我可没什么精神准备.哦天啊!瑞瑞.格林?!梅丽莎!过去的7次女生联谊会你都象失踪了一样现在怎么样?我们到那边聊吧.我最后一次听说你,是你要结婚了.哦,可怜的瑞瑞.哦,不不,不!这很好!一切都很好!实际上我现在在拉尔夫.劳伦公司上班!别说了!我不会!我现在是运动男装部的领导!哦,别再说了!现在,你已经是拉尔夫的朋友了?哦,拜托...是吗?不是.听着,我-我们应该一起吃晚饭.明天晚上你有什么事吗?哦,明天,我不知道,嗯...现在你知道了.你和我一起吃晚饭.别说了.我得走了.这真是太好了,瑞瑞!哦,买来了.嗯,听着,给我打电话,这是我的名片.哦,喔,谢谢!哦,你在搞房地产!哦不,那-那是过去用的名片.嗯,我想离开这个行业,做一些真正能帮助人们,而且有些不一样的事情.喔!你现在在做什么?我策划聚会.明天见.好!嘿大家!看看谁回来了!是瑞瑞!闭嘴,那是我大学的同学梅丽莎.她看起来非常非常有意思!她实际上很可爱我们原来一度很亲密.等一等,她是不是...她是不是那个和你...和你什么?和你什么?!是.喔!喔?喔什么?!喔什么?!和你什么?什么?!!没什么大不了的!她们是爱人.-什么?!-什么?!不,我们不是!没有什么!只是一个晚上,我们毕业那年一起去聚会,喝多了甜酒,你知道,最后...亲了一下嘴.那么我已经有过两个同性恋妻子了.好,乐队在这儿.酒吧在这儿.这些针上面有出席的人的名字.瑞秋,你在这儿.哦.为什么我们不把我挪到这里,和可爱的男招待聊天呢.这些针不是用来玩的,对吧?好了,红色的是我的客人,蓝色的是你的.这太悲哀了.我是说,我只有大约10根针.钱德,放轻松,这不是比赛.实力相差太悬殊.你们好啊!嗨!嗨,瑞秋.别再想了!!好吧,我想就这样吧.座位都确定了.这就是我们的婚礼.他们看上去都很高兴,对吧?嘿,那我父母会在哪儿?哦!我们看看,那么...如果这是婚礼大厅,那么嗯你父母会在皇后区的家里.什么,他们没被邀请?!哦不,这太可怕了!他们会发疯的!为什么他们觉得会被邀请?你问倒我了.我不...乔伊!好吧,对不起.我想父母应该来!你想..你父母要来!钱德的父母要来!罗斯的父母要来!罗斯的父母就是我的父母!好-好,看到了?父母都会来!我想我们应该邀请他们.算了吧,你只是想多几根蓝针而已.这就是悲哀!好吧,好吧.也许我重新安排一下可以让他们来.但是,嗯,瑞秋你可能真的要坐在酒吧了!没问题.也许你想要点甜酒?哦,快滚吧!那么,我们所有的晚礼服都在这儿,随便你喜欢哪一件,我们都可以给你.任选一件.但是这三件是莫妮卡已经认可的.好吧,谢谢你帮我挑晚礼服,瑞秋.我希望你作为我的客人出席婚礼.我是莫妮卡的伴娘.好吗?别想把我钉在蓝色的针上!好吧,这些怎么样?看起来不错.哦,这些是很好.这些晚礼服是我们为一些名人制作的,这是他们用完了以后,送回来的.你是说就象颁奖典礼上用的?有些是.你是说,这些晚礼服会让红地毯上的人群大叫,"你穿的是谁的衣服?!你看起来太惊人了!"亲爱的,我建议你多看看体育频道,少看看娱乐频道.好吧,谁穿过这些?嗯,好吧,这件是汤姆.布罗考(NBC新闻主播)的.不错.好吧,这件是保罗.奥尼尔(美财政部长)的.他是谁?他是扬基队的.真的,看体育频道!露过一次面,而且在看台上.哦,这件是皮尔斯.布鲁斯南的!皮尔斯.布鲁斯南?嗯.当真?对.007?!这是詹姆斯.邦德的晚礼服?!-对.-哦,我要穿着詹姆斯.邦德的晚礼服结婚!这是件很酷的晚礼服.哦,不仅仅是这样,我会成为全英最强有力的武器.让美女心碎的喷气机,女皇陛下的密使.无所畏惧的男人,身怀杀人执照.莫妮卡会让我穿这件吗?我们真应该学学真正的玩法.我喜欢我们的玩法.哦!将!好棋.对.嗨!-嗨!-嗨!乔伊,我已经帮罗斯和钱德为婚礼挑了晚礼服.你要不要来一件?我要主持他们的典礼.我不穿晚礼服.好,那你打算穿什么?五彩长袍!哦,也许再戴个帽子.哈,莫妮卡知道吗?我想她不知道.你告诉她的时候我能在场吗?嘿,瑞秋,等等!今天晚上看电影去吗?哦,我去不了.我得跟梅丽莎吃晚饭.我能去吗?!我不会出声的!你最多只会听到我摄像机的声音.怎么了?怎么回事?哦,好!能让我来告诉她吗?!能让我来告诉她吗?!好吧,你想听实际发生的,还是乔伊的下流版本?乔伊的!好...嘿,拜托!我有个大学里的朋友,我犯了个愚蠢的错误,告诉乔伊有一次...她和我...亲了一下嘴.对,这当然发生了.这是发生了!当然!嘿.这发生了!对,是我大学毕业那年.一次σκ夏威夷舞会以后,梅丽莎和我喝的大醉!最后我们接吻了!足足有好几分钟!也就是在脸颊上轻轻地亲了一下.为什么把我美好的想象都打破了?为什么你就不相信呢?好吧!我只是..我不知道你是同性恋.我没说我是同性恋!我只是说这发生了!好吧,这事太疯狂了,而你..你知道太...乏味.-乏味?!-对.我不乏味!我干了好多疯狂的事!我是说,我在维加斯喝醉了嫁了人!嫁给罗斯.好吧,要是你真的不相信我说的,今晚你跟我一起去和她吃晚饭,她会告诉你的.好吧!好!我只是无法想象这事.哦哦,你应该到我的脑子里去.嘿!猜猜我为你的婚礼找到了什么!一个脑袋上有衣架的畸形女友?不.瑞秋帮我找了件晚礼服!但不是一般的晚礼服,蝙蝠侠的晚礼服!什么?对了!这件晚礼服是给瓦尔.基尔默在电影中用的...蝙蝠侠就是他演的.你不能穿那个!我穿了著名的晚礼服!詹姆斯.邦德的晚礼服!那么?如果你穿那个,我就不那么特别了.你需要什么东西让那天变得特别吗?嘿!你-你有最特别的一件事啊!你要娶你心爱的女人.别把让我扮不成酷,求你了!求求你!求求我?这可不象007.看,这是我的结婚日,对吧?如果结婚的是你,我就不会做任何让你生气的事.我结婚那天你睡了我的妹妹.这象007了吧.嗨.嘿,太好了你在这儿!我已经算好了.为了把你父母加进去,我撤掉两个八人桌,换成三个六人桌,好了吧?我还给准备宴会的人打了电话,加了两人份,我们已经准备好了!很好,不过他们不来了.什么?!不知道为什么,他们觉得你邀请他们是因为我.他们...有点觉得自己是多余的.哦,这太糟了.这是事实,不过太糟了.你看莫妮卡,如果你给我妈妈打个电话...哦,乔伊!拜托!只是打个电话.让她知道你真心希望他们去.别忘了,这可是每年都给你送烤面条的女人.不,她没有.没人给你送难道是她的错?好吧,我应该怎么说?我不知道.就说嗯,就是请柬弄混了,或者..不不不!抱怨邮局,他们讨厌邮局.还有爱尔兰人!但是我觉得你没法怪他们,所以...你好对,嗨!崔比昂尼太太?嗨,我是莫妮卡.盖勒.对,我只是想说钱德和我嗯,真的希望你们能来参加婚礼.对,显然有一捆我们的请柬没有送到.嗯,我猜出错的一定是那该死的邮局!跟我说说这个!对,对,联邦邮局?不,不如说是联邦丢局!什么,他们是爱尔兰人吗?!...总之,他叫爱伦,我们交往3年了.他是我当聚会策划人的第一个客户.当时是给他的女朋友策划聚会.哦.她是锡拉库扎大学的θβπ联谊会的.哦.哦,这太棒了!嗯,菲比,你参加过女生联谊会吗?当然!我参加过,嗯Thigh Mega Tampon(大腿止血棉球).什么?对!我们规模也很大,但是他们把我们解散了,因为雷吉娜.弗兰吉死于酒精中毒.哦,因为一个女孩就出事,就把别人也都牵连了,真是丢脸.好了,醉话说的太多了.我跟菲比说了那次σκ夏威夷舞会以后的疯狂事,就是我们俩来电那次.什么?记得吗?我们?我们都穿着土著裙子,还有椰子比基尼上装...啊?...我们回到房子,真是愚蠢,我们...我们来电了.哦喔,瑞瑞,我不知道你在说什么.真的?!罗斯是蝙蝠侠!哦,他把这个秘密保守的时间可够长的.瑞秋给罗斯弄来的晚礼服,是瓦尔.基尔默在蝙蝠侠里穿的.蝙蝠侠可比詹姆斯.邦德酷多了!你在说什么啊?!007有好多新式武器!蝙蝠侠有多功能腰带!007有特制的汽车!蝙蝠侠有蝙蝠车!007总是有美女相伴.蝙蝠侠有罗宾!我们有体育频道吧?不如你穿上007的晚礼服,我给你弄点马提尼酒.实际上,我不喜欢马提尼酒.那Youhoo酒加上麦杆呢?哦,好啊!-嗨.-嗨.听着,我知道请柬上写着6点,但是是说你希望大家6点到,还是演出6点开始?演出?!好吧.好吧婚礼,明白.但是,能不能开始得稍微晚一点?我是说,婚礼晚一点进行,行吗?你参加过我的婚礼吗?啊,你看,事情是这样的.这天是我外甥女的洗礼,而且我真的希望我父母能及时赶到见到我.因为我的角色是在开始部分,演出的其他部分没我什么事.婚礼!婚礼6点开始.好,好,我完全明白.哦,那这样如何?在他们来之前我搞个小节目?你搞个节目?!对!就象给大家热热身.问问他们是从哪里来的.因为得到了乔伊.崔比昂尼,你就得倒了一个牧师和一个演员.我是个表演牧师!没有更好,没有更棒的了!你怎么能不记得我们接吻了?!我不知道.我不记得好多没发生过的事.什...拜托!记得吗?我们在卧室外的走廊!我们无法停止傻笑?我们的椰子相互敲击?哦,乔伊的脑袋该爆炸了.对吧?听着,我很抱歉,我不想让你难堪,不过我告诉菲比这发生了,可她不相信我.对不起,瑞瑞.我是说如果这发生了,我会说的.也许你是在我睡着了以后亲了我.不!!瑞秋,放轻松.你不用这么做,好吗?我相信你.好吧,如果你说你亲了梅丽莎,那么你就是亲了她.谢谢你,菲比.她没有.我知道.嗨!你到哪儿都带着它?对.我发现这可以成为我炫耀的资本.向谁?阿甘.嘿嘿!我们把晚礼服都穿上吧,来张照片,那就是蝙蝠侠和詹姆斯.邦德站在一起.我想呢,可我的不合适.裤子有点紧.有点紧?我可以从裤子上看出两个0和一个7.好吧,那很烂.我本来希望我们一起穿上名人的晚礼服呢.好,你是不是说,你不打算穿你这件参加婚礼了?什么,你开什么玩笑?这是蝙蝠侠的晚礼服!!我穿上试试!好吧,不过只能穿上衣.两个0和一个7不会到这里.OK.蝙蝠侠还真是舒服啊!这是什么?什么?电影《一见钟情》首映式的请柬?哦天啊!瓦尔.基尔默没有在蝙蝠侠里面穿这个!他穿这个演了个无聊的爱情故事,演的是个瞎子!让我看看!哦,老兄!你唯一超过常人的能力,就是嗅觉发达.嗨!嗯,莫妮卡?钱德?我能跟你们说句话吗?好吧,到此为止,我服了!无论什么你想怎么干都行!你打算唱歌?你打算跳舞?你想让你妈妈站在圣坛前大喊种族危机?我不在乎!不!不,我-我只是想谢谢你们对我父母做的,真是太好了.他们非常高兴成为你们大喜之日的一员.哦.好,不用客气.告诉他们,他们能来我们真的很高兴.好.我会的.哦!看看他们为你们的庆典,给了我什么!啊?你们结婚的时候我这么戴,而这么戴就是舞会时间.这发生了!我告诉你这发生了!好.好,很高兴见到你.瑞秋,我-我想我不会给你打电话了,因为嗯你变的怪怪的.你们保重.什么?!等等!等等!听着,那一晚的事是我这辈子里干的最疯狂的了,我不会让你这么轻易就否认!好吧,那么如果你不记得那个,也许你会记得这个!天啊!你爱我!什么?我当然记得那个吻.我每时每刻都在想着.我现在仍然能够听到椰子的碰撞声.我只是不想对你说,因为我不知道你对我的爱有什么反应.而现在你...喔!喔-喔-喔-喔!喔!喔!啊,看看谁开始害羞了.别告诉我你感觉和我不一样.没人能接吻这样棒还没有一点感觉.我-我只是...我只是个接吻高手!别说了!我很抱歉!哦,你不用抱歉.我...我明显是开玩笑.我并不爱你.我并不爱她.我没听到椰子的碰撞声.对,我没有...在和我男朋友做爱的时候,把他想象成你.不管怎样,我得走了.嗯...来个吻别?不?好吧.喔!我没想到会是这样...你这是干什么?!我只是想看看有什么大不了的.那么?我有过更好的.好了!我找到一件合适的!怪不得他们说,第23次是有魔力的.哦,看你多帅!是谁的?哦,这很重要吗?!重要的是你看起来很帅.是谁的?我不想说.哦,拜托!我不在乎!是谁的?黛安.姬顿
720 The One With Rachel’s Big Kiss
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch and Ross is sitting on the chair, and they’re all talking.]
Rachel: Hey! Out of all of us, who do you think is gonna get married next?
Joey: Probably Monica and Chandler.
(A woman walks up to Gunther in the background.)
Woman: (to Gunther) Hi. Could I have a pack of Newport Lights, please?
Gunther: Oh umm, uh we don’t sell cigarettes, but they have them at the newsstand across the street. (Points.)
Woman: That’d be great, thanks. (Gunther goes and gets them.)
Rachel: (to the gang) Oh my God, Melissa Warburton. I don’t think I have the energy for this.
Melissa: (Gasps when she notices Rachel) Oh my God! Ray-ray Green?! (Screams)
Rachel: (screaming) Melissa!
Melissa: You have been M.I.A for the past seven sorority newsletters, what’s up with you?!
Rachel: Wh—(Turns and looks at the gang who’s staring)—Why don’t I tell you over here? (She walks Melissa away from the gang.)
Melissa: So last I heard you were gonna get married. (Grabs Rachel’s hand and notices that she doesn’t have a ring on it.) (Sadly) Oh poor Ray-ray.
Rachel: Oh no-no, no! It’s good! It’s all good! I-I actually work at Ralph Lauren!
Melissa: Shut up!
Rachel: I will not! I’m the divisional head of men’s sportswear!
Melissa: Oh shut up more! Now, are you friends with Ralph?
Rachel: Oh please…
Melissa: (excitedly) Are you?!
Rachel: No.
Melissa: Listen, we-we have to have dinner. What-what are you doing tomorrow night?
Rachel: Oh tomorrow, oh I don’t know. Um…
Melissa: You do now. You’re having dinner with me.
Rachel: Shut up.
Melissa: I-I’ve got to go. This has been so great Ray-ray! (Gunther returns with her cigarettes.) Oh, there you are. (Takes them from Gunther.) (To Rachel) Umm, so listen, just call me. Here’s my card. (Hands the card over.)
Rachel: Oh, wow thanks! (Reading the card) Oh you’re in real estate!
Melissa: Oh no, that’s-that’s an old card. Umm, I wanted to get out of that and-and do something where I can really help people and-and make a difference.
Rachel: Wow! What do you do now?
Melissa: (quietly) I’m a party planner. I’ll see you tomorrow. (Exits.)
Rachel: Okay! (Joins the rest of the gang.)
Joey: Hey guys! Look who’s back! It’s Ray-ray!
Rachel: Shut up that was my friend Melissa from college.
Ross: She seems really, really fun!
Rachel: She’s actually very sweet and we used to be very close.
Monica: Wait a minute, she isn’t… She’s not the one who you…
Joey: (excitedly) Who you what? Who you what?!
Rachel: (To Monica) Yes.
Monica: Wow!
Joey: (excitedly) Wow? Wow what?! Wow what?! Who you—what?!!
Rachel: It’s not a big deal!
Monica: (To Joey) They were lovers.
Ross: What?!
Joey: What?!
Rachel: No we weren’t! It was nothing! It was one night, senior year we went to a party, had a lot of sangria and y’know, ended up…kissing for a bit.
Ross: So that’s two of my wives.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is working on the seating chart while Chandler looks on and Rachel reads.]
Monica: (telling Chandler the seating arrangement) Okay so this is where the band is. (Points.) And this is where the bar is. (Points) And all these pins have people’s names on them. (She has pins to show the seating at each of the tables.) And Rach, here you are. (Points to Rachel’s place.)
Rachel: Oh wow. Why don’t we just take me (Grabs her pin) and put me with a Manhattan in my hand, talking to the cute bartender. (Puts her pin at the bar and laughs. Monica just glares at her.) These pins aren’t for playing are they?
Monica: (To Chandler) Okay, the red ones are my guests and the blue ones are yours.
Chandler: This is so sad. I mean, I only have like ten pins.
Monica: Chandler, relax it’s not a contest. (To Rachel) Certainly not a close one.
Joey: (entering) Hello!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: Hey Rach. (Stares at her.)
Rachel: Stop picturing it!!
Monica: Okay, I think that’s it. The seating chart is done. This is our wedding. They all look like they’re having fun don’t they?
Joey: Hey, so where are my parents gonna be?
Monica: Oh! (Gets up) Let’s see, well…if this is the wedding hall then umm (Walks away) you’re parents will be at home in Queens.
Joey: What they’re not invited?! Oh no, that’s terrible! They’re gonna be crushed!
Monica: Why would they think they’re invited?
Joey: (looking around) You got me. I don’t…
Monica: Joey!
Joey: Well, I’m sorry. I thought parents were coming! Y’know? Your parents are comin’! Chandler’s parents are comin’! Ross’s parents are comin’!
Monica: Ross’s parents are my parents!
Joey: Well-well—see? Parents are comin’!
Chandler: Y’know I think we should invite them.
Monica: Oh please, you just want more blue pins.
Chandler: Well this is just sad!
Monica: All right, all right. Maybe I can fit them in if I just do some rearranging. But uh, Rachel may actually have to sit at the bar!
Rachel: That is not a problem.
Joey: (leaning down to her) Maybe you’ll order a little sangria?
Rachel: Oh, get out of here! (Jumps back and walks away.)
[Scene: Ralph Lauren, Rachel is showing Chandler the selection of tuxedos.]
Rachel: (motioning to a rack) So now, these are all the tuxedos that we make and if there’s anything that you like, we can make you a deal. Anything at all. (Grabs a few) But these are the three that Monica pre-approved.
Chandler: Well, thanks a lot for hookin’ me up Rach. I want you to know that I want you to attend our wedding as my guest.
Rachel: I’m Monica’s maid of honor. Okay? Don’t try to blue pin me!
Chandler: (sees another rack) Well, what’s the deal with these? These-these look nice.
Rachel: Oh they are nice. We-we custom-make tuxedos for celebrities and then when they’re done with them they just send ‘em back.
Chandler: You mean like for award shows?
Rachel: Some of them.
Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people yelling, "You are you wearing?! You look fabulous!"
Rachel: Honey, might I suggest watching a little more ESPN and a little less E!?
Chandler: Okay, who wore those? (Points to the tuxedos.)
Rachel: Umm, well let’s see uh, this one is Tom Brokaw.
Chandler: Not bad.
Rachel: (reading a tag) This one is uh Paul O’Neil.
Chandler: Who’s that?
Rachel: He plays for the Yankees. Seriously, ESPN! Just once and a while, have it on in the background. (Chandler nods and Rachel grabs another tux) Ooh, this one was Pierce Brosnan!
Chandler: Pierce Brosnan?
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: 007?! This is James Bond’s tux?!
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: Oh, I have to get married in James Bond’s tux!
Rachel: It’s a pretty cool tux.
Chandler: Oh, it’s not just that, I would be England’s most powerful weapon. Jet setting heartbreaker on her majesty’s secret service. A man who fears no one; with a license to kill. (Worried.) Would Monica let me wear this?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are moving chess pieces around on the board and hitting the timer at random.]
Joey: We should really learn how to play the real way. (Moves another piece.)
Phoebe: I like our way. Oh! (Grabs a piece and jumps a bunch of Joey’s like in Checkers.) Chess!
Joey: Nice move.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: So Joey I just hooked Ross and Chandler up with some tuxedos for the wedding, do you need one?
Joey: No, I’m performing the ceremony. I’m not wearing a tux.
Rachel: Well, what are you going to wear?
Joey: Multi-colored robes! Ooh, and maybe a hat.
Rachel: Huh. Does Monica know about this?
Joey: I don’t think so.
Rachel: Can I please be there when you tell her? (Joey nods yes.)
Phoebe: Hey oh, Rach wait! Do you want to go to a movie tonight?
Rachel: Oh, y’know what? I can’t. I have to have dinner with that Melissa girl.
Joey: (excitedly) Can I come?! I won’t even talk! You’ll just hear the noise from my video camera.
Phoebe: What is this? What’s going on?
Joey: Oh good! Can I tell her?! Can I tell her?!
Rachel: Well, do you want to hear what actually happened or Joey’s lewd version?
Phoebe: Joey’s!
Joey: Okay…
Rachel: Hey, come on! I had this friend from college and I made the stupid mistake of telling Joey that one time…she and I y’know…kissed a little bit.
Phoebe: (laughs) Yeah, I’m sure that happened.
Rachel: It-it did!
Phoebe: Sure!
Joey: Hey. (Laughs then seriously) It happened!
Rachel: Yeah, it was senior year in college. It was after the Sigma Chi luau and Melissa and I got very drunk! And we ended up kissing! For several minutes!
Phoebe: (To Joey) Which means she had a couple spritzers and a quick peck on the cheek.
Joey: Why are you taking this away from me?
Rachel: Yeah, why is it so hard for you to believe?!
Phoebe: Okay! I just—I didn’t know that you are a lesbian. (Joey smiles and nods lewdly.)
Rachel: I’m not saying that I’m a lesbian! I’m just saying that this happened!
Phoebe: Okay, it just seems pretty wild and you’re so—y’know so…vanilla.
Rachel: (shocked) Vanilla?!
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: I’m not vanilla! I’ve done lots of crazy things! I mean I got-I got drunk and married in Vegas!
Phoebe: To Ross.
Rachel: All right, y’know what? If you don’t want to believe me about this, why don’t you just come with me to dinner tonight and she will tell you.
Phoebe: Okay! All right! Yeah! ‘Cause I just can’t picture it.
Joey: Oh-ho, you should get inside my head.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is on the couch reading as Ross enters carrying a garment bag.]
Ross: Hey! Guess what I got for your wedding! (Holding up his garment bag.)
Chandler: A freakish thin date with a hanger for her head?
Ross: No. Rachel hooked me up with a tux! But not just any tux, Batman’s tux!
Chandler: What?
Ross: That’s right! Made expressly for Val Kilmer and worn by him in the hit film…that Batman film he was in.
Chandler: You can’t wear that! I’m wearing the famous tux! James Bond’s tux!
Ross: So?
Chandler: So—If you wear that you’ll make mine less special.
Ross: Well, you need something to make this day special? Hello! You-you-you have the most special thing of all! You are marrying the woman you love.
(Chandler mimics him.)
Chandler: Please, don’t take away my cool thing. Please?! Pretty please?!
Ross: Pretty please? Not very uh, 007.
Chandler: Look, it’s my wedding day okay? If you were getting married I would never do anything to upset you.
Ross: When I got married you slept with my sister.
Chandler: That was pretty 007.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still working on the seating chart as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey.
Monica: Hey. Oh good-good you’re here! All right, I figured it out. I’m gonna take two tables of eight, I’m gonna add your parents, and I’m gonna turn them into three tables of six. Okay? And I called the caterer; I added two extra meals, we are good to go!
Joey: Yeah, they’re not coming.
Monica: (looking at him) What?!
Joey: Somehow they got the idea that you only invited them because of me. They…feel a little unwanted.
Monica: Oh that’s too bad. It’s true, but too bad.
Joey: Look Mon, if you could just call my mom…
Monica: Oh Joey!
Joey: Come on! Look just-just tell—let her know that you really want them to be there. Let’s not forget, this is a woman that has sent you many lasagnas over the years.
Monica: No she hasn’t.
Joey: Is it her fault that some of them didn’t make it to you?
Monica: Well, what am I going to say?
Joey: I don’t know. Just uh, just tell ‘em it was a mix-up with the invitations, or—No-no-no! Blame it on the post office. They hate the post office. And the Irish! But I don’t think you can blame it on them so… (He dials the phone and hands it to Monica.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yeah, hi! Mrs. Tribbiani? (Listens) Hi, this is Monica Geller. (Listens) Yeah I’m just calling to say that Chandler and I uh, really hope you can make it to the wedding. Yeah, apparently a bunch of invitations that we sent weren’t delivered. Umm, I guess there was some screw up at the damn post office! (Joey nods his approval.) (Listens) T-Tell me about it! (Listens) Yeah, yeah, the US Post Office? No, more like US lost office! (Listens) What are they Irish?! (Joey gives her a thumbs up.)
[Scene: A restaurant, Melissa, Rachel, and Phoebe are talking.]
Melissa: …anyway, his name is Allan and we’ve been going out for three years. He was my first client when I became a party planner. He was planning a party for his girlfriend at the time. Oh well. (Rachel and Phoebe politely laugh) And he was Theta Beta Pi at Syracuse.
Rachel: Oh. Oh, that’s great!
Melissa: Hmm Phoebe, were you ever in a sorority?
Phoebe: Of course! Yeah, I was uh, umm Thigh Mega Tampon.
Melissa: What one?
Phoebe: Yeah! Y’know, we were really huge too, but then they had to shut us down when Regina Philange died of alcohol poisoning.
Melissa: Oh, isn’t a shame when one girl ruins it for the whole bunch? (Phoebe agrees by grunting.)
Rachel: (changing the subject) Anyway, speaking of drinking too much. I was uh, tellin’ Phoebe about that one crazy night after the Sigma Chi luau where you and I uh, we made out.
Melissa: (shocked) What?
Rachel: Remember?! We—come on both had the sarongs on, and we had the-the coconut bikini tops…
Melissa: Yeah?
Rachel: …we went back the house and we got really silly and we…we made out.
Melissa: Oh wow, Ray-ray I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Phoebe: Really?!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is on the couch as Chandler disgustedly enters.]
Chandler: Ross is Batman!
Monica: Well, he did manage to keep his identity secret for a long time.
Chandler: Rachel got Ross the tuxedo that Val Kilmer wore in Batman. Okay Batman is so much cooler than James Bond!
Monica: What are you talking about?! 007 has all those gadgets!
Chandler: Batman has a utility belt!
Monica: 007 has a fancy car!
Chandler: Batman has the Batmobile!
Monica: 007 gets all the ladies.
Chandler: Batman has Robin! (Pause) We get ESPN right?
Monica: How about you go put on your 007 tuxedo and I’ll make you a nice martini.
Chandler: Actually, I don’t like martinis.
Monica: How about a Youhoo with a funny straw?
Chandler: Ooh, yum! (Runs into the bedroom.)
Joey: (entering) Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Joey: Listen, I know the invitation says 6:00, but does that mean that you want people to get there at six, or the show is gonna start right at six?
Monica: The show?!
Joey: Right. Right. The wedding, gotcha. But I mean, it’s gonna start a little late right? I mean, weddings start late. Right?
Monica: Have you ever been to one of my weddings?
Joey: Ah. Yeah. Well look, the thing is it’s the same day as my niece’s christening and I really want my parents to be there in time to see me. ‘Cause my part’s just in the beginning I’m not even in the rest of the show—Wedding!
Monica: The wedding starts at six.
Joey: Okay. Okay, I totally hear ya. Oo how about this? I vamp a little ‘til they get there?
Monica: You’ll vamp?!
Joey: Yeah! Yeah y’know, like warm up the crowd. Ask ‘em where they’re from. ‘Cause in Joey Tribbiani you get a minister and you get an entertainer. I’m a minis-tainer! (Rapping) There is no one better! There is no one greater!
[Scene: The restaurant, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: How can you not remember us kissing?!
Melissa: I don’t know. I don’t remember a lot of things that never happened.
Rachel: Wh… Come on! Remember? We were on the sleeping porch! We couldn’t stop giggling? And our coconuts kept knockin’ together?
Phoebe: Oh, somewhere Joey’s head is exploding.
Rachel: Yeah—but come on—Listen, I’m sorry I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I told Phoebe that it happened and she doesn’t believe me.
Melissa: I’m sorry Ray-ray. I mean if I thought it happened I would say it. Maybe I passed out and you did stuff to me while I was sleeping.
Rachel: No!!
Phoebe: Rachel, it’s okay. You don’t have to do this. I believe you. All right? Okay, if-if you say that you kissed Melissa, then you kissed Melissa.
Rachel: Thank you Phoebe.
Melissa: She didn’t.
Phoebe: I know.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are working on the seating chart as Ross enters carrying his tux around.]
Ross: Hey!
Monica: You just carry that around?
Ross: Yes. I find it to be something of a conversation piece.
Monica: Between you and…
Ross: Gunther. (To Chandler) Hey-hey! Why don’t we put them on? Y’know get a picture of Batman and James Bond together.
Chandler: I would but mine doesn’t fit. The pants are a little tight.
Monica: A little tight? I could see double-oh and seven in those pants.
Ross: Well that stinks. I was looking forward to us wearing our celebrity tuxes together.
Chandler: Well, does that mean that you’re not going to wearing yours?
Ross: What are you kidding? It’s Batman’s tux!!
Chandler: (standing up) Let me try it on!
Ross: Okay, but just the jacket. Double-oh and seven are not gettin’ in there.
Chandler: (trying on the jacket) Okay. Holy double-vented comfort Batman! (Finds something in the pocket) What’s this?
Ross: What?
Chandler: An invitation for the At First Sight premiere? Oh my God! Val Kilmer didn’t wear this in Batman! He wore it to the premiere of some tooty-fruity love story where he played a blind guy!
Ross: Let me see that! (Grabs the invitation and reads it.) Oh man!
Chandler: The only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell. (Hands him the jacket and walks away.)
Joey: (entering) Hey! Uh, Monica? Chandler? Can I talk to you guys for a second?
Monica: All right that’s it, I give up! Whatever you want you can have it! You wanna sing a song? You wanna do a dance? You want your mom stand at the Alter and scream racial slurs? I don’t care!
Joey: No! No, I-I just wanna thank you guys for what you did for my parents, that was really sweet. They’re so happy they get to be a part of your special day.
Monica: (defeated) Oh.
Chandler: Well, you’re welcome. And tell them we’re really glad they’re coming.
Joey: Okay. I will. Ohh! Check out what they got me to wear for the ceremony! (Runs to his apartment and returns wearing a rather silly hat.) Huh? I wear it like this when I marry you guys, and then this (He tilts it to the side of his head) is for party time.
[Scene: Outside the restaurant, Melissa, Phoebe, and Rachel are emerging.]
Rachel: It happened! I am telling you it happened!
Melissa: Okay. (To Phoebe) Well, it was great meeting you. And uh Rachel, I-I don’t think I’ll be calling you (hails a cab) because umm, y’know you’ve gotten weird. (The cab pulls up.) Take care you guys.
(She’s about to get in when…)
Rachel: What?! Wait a minute! No wait a minute! (She does so.) Okay? Look, that night was the one wild thing I have ever done in my entire life, and I’m not gonna let you take that away from me! Okay, so if you don’t remember that, maybe you will remember this! (She grabs Melissa and kisses her on the lips.)
Melissa: My God! You love me!
Rachel: (shocked) What?
Melissa: Of course I remember our kiss. I think about it all the time. I can still hear the coconuts knockin’ together I… (Phoebe is shocked.) I just didn’t want to tell you ‘cause I didn’t think that you’d return my love, and now that you have… (Leans in to kiss Rachel.)
Rachel: (moving away) Whoa! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Melissa: Aww, look who’s being suddenly shy. You can’t tell me you don’t feel what I feel. Nobody can kiss that good and not mean it. (Goes in again.)
Rachel: (moves away again) I-I-I-I’m just…I’m just a good kisser!
Melissa: (suddenly frightened) Shut up!
Rachel: I’m sorry!
Melissa: (laughs) Oh you don’t have to be (Laughs again) sorry. I’m…I’m obviously kidding. I’m not in love with you. (To Phoebe) I’m not in love with her. I don’t hear coconuts banging together. Yeah, I don’t…picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend. Anyway, I gotta go. Eh…kiss good-bye? (Rachel stares at her stunned.) No? Okay. (Hurries into the cab and drives off.)
Rachel: Wow! I mean I had no idea that that was gonna…
(Suddenly, Phoebe leans in and kisses her on the lips!)
Rachel: What the hell was that?!
Phoebe: I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
Rachel: And?
Phoebe: I’ve had better.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Ralph Lauren, Rachel is hooking Chandler up with another tuxedo.]
Chandler: (yelling from the changing room) All right! I found one that fits!
Rachel: Well y’know what they say, the 23rd time’s the charm. (Chandler enters.) Aww, look at you all handsome!
Chandler: Whose is it?
Rachel: Oh does it matter?! All that matters is that you look so handsome.
Chandler: Whose is it?
Rachel: I don’t want to say.
Chandler: Oh, come on! I don’t care! Come on! Whose is it?
Rachel: Diane Keeton.

End
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