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老友记第七季722 The One With Chandler’s Dad

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-嘿.-嘿.我看到保时捷停在外面.能给我钥匙吗?我想开它出去兜几圈.Ross可以开它?当我问的时候,你说你是唯一可以开的人.他是我哥哥呀,而且他开的很慢,不会弄坏它.那是车, Monica,不是火箭船.只要你开完之后换了刹车灯就行了.(不确定)-嘿.-嘿.我看到保时捷了,看起来真棒.我什么时候能再开呀?-你让Joey开过?-我可没开过,一次都没有.好吧,开过一次.好吧,我经常开.谢谢各位啦,多好的一个"你可以开车但是不要告诉Rachel"的计划.哇哦,我真不敢相信你骗我.我可以解决这个问题.Monica,Rachel认为你脑子里只想着婚礼.我不让你开保时捷,是因为你是个糟糕的司机.怎么样,和婚礼无关吧.如果你想做保时捷的话,我可以带你在附近转转.你有几个小时吗?多愉快的兜风呀.-对我很显呀,是吗?-这样才感到舒服呀.给我钥匙,Monica是错的.我是个很棒的司机.你开的又快又不可靠.结论就是一个差司机.在高中,那就是一个拉拉队队长.你有没有看到她在注视着我?她一定看到我开着保时捷兜风.-她在看你的乱头发.-什么?-借我一把梳子.-把钥匙给我.-没门!-那么,就不要想要梳子.好,一点关系都没有.如果我没记错,厕所里有把梳子.是离婚赡养费.我们还没有你父亲的回复.好吧,也许是因为我没有寄给他邀请信.他是你的父亲呀.他应该出席我们的婚礼我都不太了解他的情况了.我好些年没见他了.如果他发现他连问都没被问过呢?我们不太和的来.我和你们在一起....他则在拉斯维加斯表演.我想我们可以互相换一下角色.你不会希望他在婚礼上的.没人会盯着新娘,当新郎的父亲穿着露背装.只要他不是穿着婚纱,我就不在乎.我想我需要去买点东西.好的.天呀!-你知道你在做什么吗?-清洗挡风玻璃.我不会让你开这辆车的.把钥匙交出来吧.噢!不要启动车子.好吧,好吧.我给你20块...你现在下车吧. 嘿!瞧.如果你不知所措的话,就上车吧.和你? 是呀,真不错.好吧.好吧,好吧,好吧.-你在干什么? 坐到前面来.-在那个要命的位置上?!-嘿,你好.-嘿,亲爱的.-准备好了吗?-我的包放在Monica那里了,我去拿回来.-等一下.-干吗? 噢.这个吻还有效呢.那么,你和Pheobe,怎么样啦?-你们在一起多久啦?-一个月了.我们要进一步了解对方.-这样很好.-是呀,那么...请问你叫什么名字?-Jake.-Joey.-你喜欢尼克斯队吗?-当然,忠实球迷呀.我也是.礼拜二有场比赛.你想去吗?真棒!我确认下礼拜二没计划.拿着.-那是什么?-你的行李箱.我们去拉斯维加斯.你是认真的? 私奔?不考虑那些愚蠢的婚礼的东西.不考虑是这些花还是那些花.想想这样我们能省多少钱.我们不是私奔.我们的婚礼能不能更宏大一些?我们去看你的父亲.我要去看看未来的公公.当我们过了这段时间,就是我占上风了.不,你不会的.亲爱的,你要知道.你就要娶我了,你不会占上风的.忘了它吧,我不想去.我不想见他.我知道你爸爸使你很尴尬.父母总是让他们的孩子感到尴尬.你应该知道多一些我的经历.在高中,每次我的游泳比赛,他都参加......穿的像个好莱坞小明星.对于14岁的人来说是很痛苦的,你还很瘦弱,你还穿着大短裤,你妈妈保证你会成熟.(不确定speedos的意思)你要是往好的方面看.那是你爸爸给你加油.他穿的象Carmen Miranda, 戴着有真水果的头巾.他过会把那些水果给你的朋友,就好像那是健康食品一样.他每次比赛都来给你加油.他是个好爸爸.他还和Garibaldi先生嘿咻.-谁是Garibaldi先生?-这有关系吗?!你已经不再是14岁了,好吗?也许是时候忘了这一切.如果他不参加你的婚礼,你可能会一辈子感到后悔.好吧,我只是为你这么做.-我再也不会占上风啦?-之前你有多少次占过上风啦?你知道当你穿着裤子,探身过来的时候...我偷看你的内裤吗?当Jack这么做的时候...我看到他穿着女士内裤.我知道,那是我的.噢!等一下,那太古怪了.当我们在一起的时候,我激他穿上的.太古怪啦!-我现在穿着他的呢.-哇,好性感.我也认同.然后前面那个小地方?很适合放我的唇膏.我从来不知道这样的事.Jake说女士内裤更舒服一些.他喜欢那些丝摩擦他的皮肤的感觉.下一次他会说高跟鞋对他的姿势有好处.Jake没错.他很有男人味.我认为比你还多些.他就好像那些伐木工人穿着粉色蕾丝装一样.只有对自己的男子汉气概有信心的人...才敢穿着女士内裤到处走.我不认为你行.-我对我的男子汉气概很有信心.-好吧,不管怎么说.你都看到我那一大堆的黄色录像带啦.天呀,我都忘了我多么喜欢开车.我应该去更新我的驾驶证.你没有有效的驾驶证?把它给我开.你太紧张啦.放松好吗?明白吗?只需要放松就行了.只需要放松.你干什么? 这不搞笑.停下来换我来开.我才不是在开车?我是在飙车.哇噢.镇静,不会有事的.你不会有麻烦的.真的? 你是这么认为?我是对我说.你会有麻烦!你们点东西了吗?噢,是的,她帮点的.他?她?对不起,我第一次来,我不太....-我点了啤酒.-你是异性恋,我明白了.如果我们打电话给你爸爸,我们会有更好的位置.我不想让他知道我们在这里.我还没准备好他不会高兴见我的.为什么?他一直尝试和我联系...-在这些年里有很多次了.-什么?是呀,他打电话,写信.他曾来过纽约.我说我太忙了.复杂的要命.我不想再说那些了.(cat's cradle 为翻花绳游戏,所以我猜想是这样解释)开始啦.女士们,先生们,欢迎无以伦比的......Helena Handbasket.好呀,亲爱的.那就是我爸爸.和我换位置,快点!我从下面,你从上面.-是呀,我会那样做的.-快点呀!干吗? 不. 嘿, Rach, 不要这样.我们做这样的事是不会被逮捕的.你好呀,警官.我是不是开的快了点?噢,天呀.-我能看下你的驾照吗?-当然可以.有点奇怪,昨天晚上我梦见我被一位警官拦下来,然后他....也许我不应该告诉你剩下的.-你的驾照.-好的,给你, 帅......警官.-我叫Hanson(音似帅Handsome).-噢,不好意思,我弄错了.我的天呀!-哇哦!-知道了吧.真是不错的照片.真的? 你也这么认为? 知道吗,我当时刚起床不多久.你看起来很不寻常呀.她当然是!那是10年前拍的!你知道的,你也许......会对过去的岁月感到惊奇.是呀,你是水瓶座的?-我猜你是双子座?-不.-金牛座?-不.-处女座?-不.-人马座?-对了.我就知道,我就知道!你不能再超速了,好吗?我不会再超速的.-还有注意下你的驾照,好吗?-我保证.还有让他来开.他有驾照吗?-他会用方向盘吗?-怎么说那....我会用方向盘!-那不可能是你父亲.-我已经这样说了好些年了.-我的天呀!-怎么啦?是Garibaldi先生在弹钢琴.大家好,欢迎观看演出.我看到观众中的一些熟面孔.也有些不熟悉的.-他走向观众啦.-放松,你会没事的.噢,干得不错.你现在隐形了.-你从那里来?-Bakersfield.-对不起?-Bakersfield.不,我听到了.我只是感到对不起.我待会和你在酒店见面.瞧,已经有一位迫不及待了.演出才开始呢.转过来,亲爱的.让我看看你漂亮的脸蛋.能拿来我们的饮料吗?男...女招待?-嘿, Pheebs.-嘿.瞧瞧.我多有男子气概?哇哦,真棒.有男性味,还有点点放荡.我开始明白Jake的意思了.丝的感觉真棒.而且不想我想象的那么坏.那挺好.而且比起男性内裤来说,你有更多的选择.三点式, 法式的(French cut),吊带式的.材料有棉的,丝的,蕾丝的.(对内裤没研究,第二个不知道怎么翻-_-)你知道我一直向往的是什么吗?裤袜!从脚趾开始,再往上到---我应该把它们换掉,对吗.-我想你最好还是换掉.你叫什么名字?Chandler.Chandler?多么不寻常的名字.你一定有一对十分令人感兴趣的父母.是呀,他们是很有趣的一对.你的朋友是谁?我是Monica.-Monica. 你从哪里来?-纽约.我不太喜欢纽约.皇后区我喜欢.这是......多么耀眼的东西呀,亲爱的,对吗?事实上,我和Monica订婚了.真的呀?祝贺你们.什么时候是大喜的日子?两个礼拜后.我明白了.我祝你们两个一生幸福.那么,你是秃的等一下.我们很高兴你能参加.是真的吗?我知道那会让我感到高兴的......女士.那我绝对不会错过的.我的眼睛里都有泪水在打转了.你也许以为我在褪腿毛或干什么的.-你还好吗?-是的.感谢你让我做这些.在我们继续表演之前,我要对新娘和新郎说...他们找到彼此是多么的幸运.在每个人生中,阴雨总是会落下.幸运的是......在我的生命中....在我长大的时候,我扮演最左边的那个.要我把你介绍给某人吗?-谁?-第四档.他想干什么?我什么都没做.也许他看到你的手老是在十点钟和两点钟方向中间晃动.也许是那位人马座警官过来再放多一些电.这是不同的人.-晚上好,警官.-你知道你开的多快吗?我不知道,但是应该不会超过60英里时速.没错,是37.你不会因为我开的过慢而给我开罚单吧?没错.你瞧,警官....我昨晚有个很怪的梦.我的天那!你的驾照,谢谢.你不想听听我的梦吗......靓......警官?我叫Petty(音同靓pretty).我就拿过来你的罚单.-你有儿子的.-我知道,我知道.-感觉好多啦?-是呀,好多了.听着....不是我对我的男子汉气概没信心,但是......现在我需要找个女友.我明白.你看起来很熟悉,我认识你吗?我不认为.也许因为我在电视上.-我是"我们的日子"的演员.-哇哦,真的?-4.5元,谢谢.-噢,我来付.这是给你的.
722 The One With Chandler’s Dad
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around the kitchen table as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hey uh Mon, I saw the Porsche parked out front, can I get the keys? Thought I’d take that bad boy out for a little spin.
Rachel: Wait a minute! (To Monica) You let Ross drive the Porsche and when I ask you, you say you’re the only one who’s allowed to drive it.
Monica: Yeah, well he’s my brother! And plus he drives so slow he could never hurt it.
Ross: It’s a car Monica! Not a rocket ship!
Monica: Whatever Ross! Just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after you’re done.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Saw the Porsche out there Mon, lookin’ good. When do I get to take that baby out again?
Rachel: (shocked) You let Joey drive it?!
Phoebe: I’ve never driven it! Okay? Not once! Okay once. Okay, I drive it all the time.
Monica: Nice work everybody! So much for the y’know, "You can drive it, but don’t tell Rachel" plan!
Rachel: Wow! I can’t believe you lied to me.
Phoebe: Okay, I can fix this! Okay Monica, Rachel thinks all you can talk about is the wedding. (Rachel glares at her.)
Monica: Great! Well Rachel, the reason why I won’t let you drive the Porsche is because you’re a terrible driver. There! That wasn’t about the wedding.
Ross: Look Rach if-if you want to go for a ride in the Porsche I’ll be glad to take you for a quick spin around the block.
Joey: Yeah, you got a couple hours?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Ross enters with his all his hair sticking straight up.]
Ross: Whew! That was a brisk ride!
Rachel: Take the top down did ya?
Ross: Only way to fly.
(Rachel laughs.)
Rachel: Come on Ross give me the keys! Monica does not know what she’s talking about! I am an excellent driver!
Ross: You’re fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.
Rachel: Well in High School, that added up to head cheerleader.
(A woman walks by and smiles at Ross’s hair.)
Ross: Did you see the look that girl just gave me? Huh? She must’ve seen me cruising in the bad boy.
Rachel: I think she’s checking out your beehive Ross.
Ross: What?! (Checks his hair.) Give-give me a brush.
Rachel: Gimme the keys!
Ross: No way!
Rachel: Well no brush!
Ross: Fine! Y’know what? It doesn’t matter, because, if I remember correctly, there is a comb on the floor of the bathroom.
(He goes to the bathroom and after he leaves Rachel goes through his coat and grabs the keys along with a $20 bill. The woman from before watches her do this.)
Rachel: (to the woman) Alimony. (Runs outside.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are counting the invitations as Chandler exits from the bathroom.]
Monica: Chandler, we still haven’t gotten an RSVP from your dad.
Chandler: Oh! Right. Umm, maybe that’s because I didn’t send him an invitation.
Monica: Chandler! He’s your father; he should be at the wedding.
Chandler: I don’t even know the man. Okay? We’re not the close. I haven’t seen him in years.
Monica: Well what are you gonna do when he finds out he wasn’t even asked?!
Chandler: Well he doesn’t have to know! It’s not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.
Phoebe: Ooh, I think I wanna trade circles.
Chandler: Trust me, you don’t want him there either. Okay? Nobody is gonna be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a back-less dress.
Monica: So what! As long as he’s not wearing a white dress and a veil I don’t care.
Phoebe: Okay, I think I need to do some shopping. (Gets up and leaves.)
[Scene: A Street, Rachel is throwing her coat into the Porsche and getting in.]
Rachel: Ahhh! (Gets in.) Ooh, nice!
(Suddenly from out of nowhere Ross dives onto the hood.)
Rachel: My God!
Ross: What do you think you’re doing?!
Rachel: Just washing the windshield. (She turns on the wipers forcing Ross off of the hood.)
Ross: There is no way I am letting you drive this car! So why don’t you just hand over the keys?
Rachel: Oh.
{Transcriber’s Note: She puts the key into the ignition, which is on the left side of the steering wheel. Does anyone know why that is? It’s a tradition left over from Porsche’s racing history. The world’s greatest endurance race is the 24 Hours of LeMans. Which is in France and runs for 24 hours straight from noon on Saturday through the dark of night and finishes at noon on Sunday. In the 60s LeMans had a unique start where the drivers would actually start the race outside of the car and across the track. At the start of the race, the drivers would run across the track, get in the car, buckle up, start the car, and drive off. Porsche wanted to reduce the amount of time that took. Since all cars to that point had the ignition switches on the right side of the steering wheel, that required the drivers to use their right hand to grab the seat-belts, put the car in gear and start it. The driver’s left hand did nothing. Porsche in order to save a few seconds in a 24-hour race; moved the ignition switches to the left side of the steering wheel so that the driver could start the car with his left hand while grabbing the seat-belts with his right hand. That’s why every Porsche car built since then has the ignition on the left side of the steering wheel.}
Ross: No ah-ah-ah! Do not start this car! (She starts the car.) Okay! Okay! I will give you twenty bucks if you get out of this car right now! (He looks for the twenty Rachel stole and doesn’t find it.)
Rachel: Look Ross, if you’re so freaked out, just get in the car!
Ross: With you?! Yeah right!
Rachel: All right. (She starts off.)
Ross: (grabbing the car) Okay! Okay! Okay! (He gets in, but into the back seat.)
Rachel: What are you doing?! Get in the front!
Ross: In the death seat?!!
Rachel: Oh my…
(They drive off.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are on the couch as a man enters.]
Man: Hey guys!
Joey: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey sweetie!
Man: Ready to go?
Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Ooh, I left my purse up at Monica’s. I’ll be right back. (She goes to get it.)
Man: (stopping her) Wait a minute!
Phoebe: What? (He leans in to kiss her.) Oh. (They kiss and Phoebe pauses.) Ooh. (Pause) Whoa! That one kept going. (Exits.)
Joey: So! You and Phoebe huh? How long have you been going out?
Man: Over a month.
Joey: Wow! Maybe uh, maybe you and I ought to get to know each other a little better.
Man: Sure, I’d like that.
Joey: So uh, what’s your name?
Man: (laughs) Its Jake.
Joey: Joey. (They shake hands.) Hey Jake, do you like the Knicks?
Jake: Yeah, big fan.
Joey: Me too! There’s a game on Tuesday do you wanna go?
Jake: Yeah that would be great! Let me make sure I’m not doing anything Tuesday. (He bends over to open his bag, when he does so his pants slide down his butt revealing a pink lace secret.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is entering from the bedroom carrying two bags of luggage.]
Monica: Here! (She sets a bag down in front of him.)
Chandler: What’s this?
Monica: It’s your suitcase. We’re going to Las Vegas.
Chandler: Are you serious?! I mean like eloping?! No more stupid wedding stuff?! No more these flowers or these flowers or these flowers—Think of the money we’ll save!! (Monica just looks at him.) We’re not eloping. I love the flowers. Can our wedding be bigger please?
Monica: We’re going to Las Vegas to see your dad. It’s time you two talked, and I want to get to know my father-in-law.
Chandler: Y’know we already went over this and I won!
Monica: No you didn’t. Oh and honey just so you know, now that you’re marrying me, you don’t get to win anymore.
Chandler: Look forget it okay? I don’t want to go. I don’t want to see him. I don’t wanna.
Monica: Chandler, look I-I know that your dad embarrassed you. I know…
Chandler: No-no all kids are embarrassed by their parents, you’d have to come up with a whole new word for what I went through. When I was in High School, he used to come to all of my swim meets dressed as a different Hollywood starlet. Y’know it’s hard enough to be fourteen. You’re skinny. You’re wearing speedoes—That your mom promised that you would grow into! And you look up into the stands and there’s your dad cheering you on dressed as Carmen Miranda. We was wearing a headdress with real fruit that he will later hand out to your friends as a healthy snack!
Monica: Hey, the point is that he was at everyone of your swim meets and he was there cheering you on! Okay? That’s a, that’s a pretty great dad.
Chandler: He had sex with Mr. Girabaldi!
Monica: Who’s Mr. Girabaldi?
Chandler: Does it matter?!
Monica: Chandler, you’re not fourteen anymore. Okay? Maybe it’s time that you let that stuff go. If your father’s not at your wedding…you’re gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
Chandler: Yeah o-okay, but I’m just doing this for you.
Monica: Yes!
Chandler: So I really never get to win anymore?
Monica: How much did ever really win before?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Joey enters.]
Joey: Pheebs!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Listen, you know how uh, when you’re wearing pants and you lean forward I check out your underwear?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Joey: Well, when Jake did it I saw that…he was wearing women’s underwear!
Phoebe: I know. They were mine.
Joey: Oh. (Laughs.) No! No wait, that’s weird!
Phoebe: No, it’s not! We were just goofing around and I dared him to try them on.
Joey: That’s weird!
Phoebe: I’m wearing his briefs right now.
Joey: That’s…kinda hot.
Phoebe: I think so too. And that little flap? Great for holding my lipstick.
Joey: Yeah, I wouldn’t know about that.
Phoebe: And! Y’know what Jake says? That women’s underwear is actually more comfortable. And he loves the way the silk feels against his skin.
Joey: Yeah well next thing you know, he’ll be telling you that your high heels are good for his posture!
Phoebe: There is nothing wrong with Jake! Okay? He is all man! I’m thinking even more than you.
Joey: Oh yeah, he looked like a real lumberjack in those pink laceys.
Phoebe: I’m just saying that only a man completely secure with his masculinity could walk around in women’s underwear! I don’t think you could ever do that.
Joey: Hey! I am secure with my masculinity.
Phoebe: Okay whatever.
Joey: You’ve seen my huge stack of porn right? (Phoebe nods.)
[Scene: The Porsche, Rachel is driving along a highway and Ross has finally moved to the death seat and is terrified.]
Rachel: God. I forgot how much I love driving. I have got to get my license renewed.
Ross: (shocked) You don’t have a valid driver’s license—Okay that is it! Pull over right now!
Rachel: Oh Ross you’re so tense! You just gotta relax okay? Just need to relax all right? Just need to relax… (She takes her hands off of the wheel.)
Ross: (grabbing the wheel) What-what are you doing?! Are you—Okay that’s not funny! Just stop horsing around!
Rachel: I am not horsing around okay? I am Porsching around.
(Suddenly a siren goes off behind them.)
Rachel: Uh-oh. (She starts to pull over.)
Ross: Okay, stay calm. Nothing is going to happen to you, you are not in that much trouble.
Rachel: Really? You think so?
Ross: I was talking to myself! You’re going down!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is walking from the bathroom to his bedroom and walks past a pile of Rachel’s laundry, which just happens to include a selection of panties. He stops, goes back to the basket, looks for Rachel, picks up a lavender thong, and heads for his bedroom. However, he decides he doesn’t like his selection and goes back this time picking up a red low-cut silk brief and heads for his room, flexing along the way to prove his masculinity.]
[Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas and the strip before we arrive at 4 Queens bar, where Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table waiting for the show to start.
A Waiter in Drag: (to Chandler and Monica) Has someone taken your order yet?
Monica: Uh oh yeah, she did. Uh, he did. (To Chandler) She? (To the waiter) I’m-I’m sorry I’m new. I don’t…
Waiter in Drag: (To Chandler) Hm-mmm?
Chandler: Yeah, I just ordered a beer! (Pounds the table.)
Waiter in Drag: You’re straight. I get it. (Walks away.)
Monica: I still say that if we had called your dad we coulda gotten better seats.
Chandler: No! No! I don’t want him to know we’re yet! I’m not sure I’m ready for that. And besides he’s not gonna be too happy to see me either.
Monica: Why not?!
Chandler: I don’t know if I’ve told you this, but he’s kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years
Monica: What?!
Chandler: Yeah, he’s made phone calls, written letters, he even came to New York, but I always said I was too busy to see him. Y’know it’s all very Cats in the Cradle—I don’t want to get into it. (The show starts.) Here we go.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket!
(There’s applause as Helena turns around and it’s Kathleen Turner.)
Helena: Hello darlings.
Chandler: And there’s daddy!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Porsche, they have pulled over and are awaiting the cop to come talk to them.]
Rachel: Okay. Switch places with me! Switch places with me! Come on! I’ll go under, you go over!
Ross: Yeah, I’ll get right on that.
Rachel: Oh come on Ross!! (She tries to switch places with him and goes under his leg.)
Ross: No Rach! Come on! No-no! Yeah, I’m sure we won’t get arrested for this.
(She sits back up as the policeman approaches. She undoes her top button.)
Rachel: (sexily) Hi officer, was I going a little too fast?
Ross: Oh my God.
Policeman: Can I see your license please?
Rachel: Oh yes, absolutely! Y’know, it’s weird uh, but I had a dream last night where I was stopped by a policeman. And then he uh…well I probably shouldn’t tell you the rest.
Policeman: Your license?
Rachel: (handing it to him) Yes. Here you go Officer uh, Handsome.
Policeman: That’s Hanson.
Rachel: Oops sorry, my mistake.
Ross: Dear Lord!!
Policeman: Wow!
Ross: Here it comes.
Policeman: This is a great picture.
Rachel: Really?! You think so? Y’know, I had just rolled out of bed.
Policeman: Yeah? Well you look phenomenal.
Ross: Well she should, it was taken ten years ago!
Rachel: Y’know you’re-you’re probably wondering about the old date on there.
Policeman: Yes I am.
Rachel: Yeah.
Policeman: You’re an Aquarius, huh?
Rachel: I bet you’re a Gemini.
Policeman: Nope.
Rachel: Taurus?
Policeman: Nope.
Rachel: Virgo?
Policeman: Nope.
Rachel: Sagittarius?
Policeman: Yep.
Rachel: I knew it! I knew it, ahh….
Policeman: Well I tell you what…
Rachel: Yeah?
Policeman: You’re not gonna speed anymore right?
Rachel: I won’t speed.
Policeman: And you promise you’ll get this taken care of right away?
Rachel: I promise.
Policeman: And in the meantime you better let him drive. Does he have a license?
Rachel: Yeah!
Policeman: Can he handle the stick?
Rachel: Oh well…
Ross: I can handle the stick!!
[Scene: 4 Queens Club, Helena Handbasket is singing.]
Helena: I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and…(She holds the mike out to the audience.)
All: Gay!
Monica: That can’t be your father.
Chandler: Believe me, I’ve been saying that for years. Oh my God!
Monica: What?
Chandler: That’s Mr. Girabaldi playing the piano.
Helena: (singing) For I’m loved by a pretty wonderful boy! (Applause.) Hello! And welcome to the show. I see some of our regulars in the audience. And a couple of irregulars. (He starts going into the audience.)
Chandler: He’s coming into the audience. He’s coming into the audience.
Monica: Relax! You’ll be fine. (Chandler exhales and turns off the table light.) Oh much better. You’re invisible now.
Helena: (standing at a table and asking the guy sitting there) Where are you from?
Guy: Bakersfield.
Helena: I’m sorry? (Holds out the mike.)
Guy: Bakersfield!
Helena: No-no I heard! I’m just sorry.
Chandler: It can’t happen like this. Okay? I’ll meet you back at the hotel.
(He gets up to walk out, but Helena spots and stops him.)
Helena: (to Chandler’s back) Oh look, a standing ovation already! So early in the show. Oh turn around honey; let me see your pretty face. (He slowly turns around. Helena recognizes him.)
Monica: Can we have our drinks please?! Waiter—Uh, tress!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Joey enters strutting.]
Joey: Hey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.)
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe that he’s got panties on.) How much of a man am I?!
Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.
Joey: Y’know, I’m beginning to see what Jake was talking about.
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Joey: The silk? Feels really good!
Phoebe: Huh.
Joey: Yeah! And-and things aren’t as…smashed down as I thought they were gonna be.
Phoebe: That’s great Joe!
Joey: Yeah! And you have so many more choices than you do with men’s underwear!
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Joey: Bikini, French cut, thong! And-and the fabrics! You’ve got cotton, silk, lace! And y’know what I’ve always wondered about?
Phoebe: Hmm?
Joey: Pantyhose! Y’know? They way they start at your toe and go all the way up to here… (He mimed that and stops when he realized he went to far.) I should go take these off shouldn’t I?
Phoebe: I think it’s important that you do.
(Joey agrees and heads to take them off.)
[Scene: 4 Queens Club, scene continued from earlier.]
Helena: So what’s your name?
Chandler: (resigning himself to his fate) Chandler. (He quickly sits down.)
Helena: Chandler? What an unusual name! You must’ve had terribly fascinating parents.
Chandler: Oh, they’re a hoot.
Helena: (To Monica) And who is your friend?
Monica: I’m-I’m Monica.
Helena: Monica! Where are you from?
Monica: New York.
Helena: I’m not very fond of New York. Queens I like. (Noticing Monica’s ring.) Ooh, what is this sparkle something! (Shows the audience who woos.) Honey! Huh?
Chandler: Actually Monica and I are engaged.
Helena: Really?! Congratulations. When’s the big day?
Monica: (looks at Chandler) In…in two weeks.
Helena: (disappointed) I see. Well, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness. (To a bald guy.) So you’re bald?
Chandler: Wait! Wait! We’d really love it if you could be there.
Helena: We? (Looks at Monica who nods.)
Chandler: I know it would make me happy, ma’am.
Helena: Well I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Oh! I’m getting all misty here! You’d think I was having my legs waxed or something. (Goes back on stage.)
Monica: (To Chandler) You okay?
Chandler: Yeah. Thanks for making me do this.
Helena: Before we go on with the show, I just want to say to the bride and groom how lucky they are to have found each other. In every life, a little rain must fall. Fortunately, in my life… (Four guys wearing rubber boots, shorts, hats, and nothing else carrying umbrellas run onto the stage.) (Singing) It’s raining men!
The Chorus Line: Hallelujah!
Helena: It’s raining men!
The Chorus Line: Amen!
Chandler: (To Monica) When I was growing up I…played the one on the far left.
[Scene: The Porsche, cars are whizzing by and honking their horns on both sides very quickly as Ross creeps along.]
Rachel: Remind me to introduce you to someone!
Ross: Who?
Rachel: Fourth gear!!
(Suddenly a siren goes off.)
Ross: What?! What does he want?! I wasn’t doing anything!
Rachel: Well maybe he saw your hand slip briefly from the ten and two o’clock position.
Ross: Maybe it’s uh Sergeant Sagittarius coming back to flirt some more! (They pull over.)
Rachel: It’s a different guy!
(The policeman walks up.)
Ross: Good evening officer.
Policeman: Do you know how fast you were traveling back there?
Ross: Ah no. I don’t, but it could not have been more than sixty.
Policeman: You’re right. It was 37. (Rachel laughs.)
Ross: I mean you’re not gonna give me a-a ticket for driving too slow are ya?
Policeman: That’s right.
(There’s a pause as Ross gets suddenly flirtatious.)
Ross: Y’know of-officer I uh…I had the weirdest dream last night…
Rachel: Oh my God!
Policeman: Your license please.
Ross: (laughs) You don’t-you don’t want to hear about my dream Officer…Pretty?
Policeman: It’s Petty. (He grabs Ross’s license.) I’ll be right back with your ticket. (Walks back to his car.)
Rachel: (pause) You have a son!
Ross: I know. I know.
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is returning from having removed Rachel’s panties.]
Phoebe: Feel better?
Joey: Yeah! Much! Listen uh, not that I’m y’know insecure about my manhood or anything y’know, but I think I need to hook up with a woman like right now.
Phoebe: Yeah, I understand.
Joey: Yeah! Okay! (He notices a beautiful woman sitting behind the couch and goes to talk to her.) Hey! Hi!
Woman: Hi!
Joey: Y’know, you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?
Woman: I don’t think so.
Joey: Oh! Maybe it’s because I’m on television. I’m an actor on Days of Our Lives.
Woman: Wow!
Joey: Yeah.
Woman: Really?!
Joey: Hm-mmm.
Waitress: (to the woman) $4.50 please.
Joey: Oh, let me get this. (He takes out his wallet, but the panties come with it. The woman and waitress are shocked.) (Realizing) (To the woman) These are for you.
End
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