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老友记第七季723 The One With Chandler and Moni

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你们有没有意识到,这是最后一次,我们六个单身的人在这个咖啡厅?这个咖啡厅要发生什么事了吗?噢,我知道了.从现在开始,只有你们四个,和我以及这位女士.这位小妇人.这位妻子.这个陈旧的婚姻枷锁.-陈旧的?-这个年轻性感的婚姻枷锁.-好多了.-我们该走了.-你们去哪里?-我们要去拿礼服,还要和妈妈一起吃午饭.Joey,你也是?我只是听到午饭.我也可以去呀,当然啦.事实上,我很高兴他们离开.我要和你谈些事情.-怎么啦?-也许会有点尴尬.如果你需要钱,现在不是时候.明天我要请128个人吃饭.不,不是这个问题.我不是以你朋友的身份说下面的话而是以Monica的哥哥的身份.-但你还是我的朋友?-暂时不是.-那么现在,你还是不是我的伴郎?-不是.-你还是Ross吗?-是的.你们就快结婚了,而我激动不已.但是做为她的哥哥,我必须告诉你:如果你伤害了我的妹妹,如果你使她不开心,我会把你摁倒在地上,揣你的屁股.你怎么啦?我是认真的!-伙计,不要这样,我不是开玩笑.-我明白你说的事啦,并且,感谢你的警告.没问题.我们现在又是朋友了吗?是的.你不会相信Monica的哥哥刚刚和我说了什么!你在干什么,Mon?我在列一些在婚礼上会出问题的事情.这样我可以有所准备.-是些什么事情?-目前为止,比如没拿礼服,婚纱的蒙面纱找不到,还有就是我极端想念的某些东西.我是负责这些的呀.我必须以防万一.嘿,你们好.记得那个我落选的试演吗?-那个广告?-不是.-那部戏剧?-不是.-另外那部戏剧?-不是.-那部电影?-对!-是那部关于飞行员和他的狗的?-不.不过,那件事很伤我的心.-是一部关于一次大战的士兵的.-噢,不错呀.不过我们称之为"伟大的战争"它确实是.他们希望我回去参演!我今天会有拍摄!恭喜你!-可是今晚上你要参加晚宴呀.-我会在开始之前搞定的.那你快去吧,电影明星!再见了各位,我要去和纳粹作战了.等一下,Joey.我们是在二次大战和纳粹作战,不是一次大战.哇哦.那我们和谁打一次大战?继续呀.你就要迟到了!快去,快去!我们和谁打一次大战呀?-墨西哥?-没错,很对.-嘿,Joey.我们准备好了.-是呀,我也是.Richard,我们已经准备好了.JoeyTribbiani,RichardCrosby扮演Vincent.-我和你一起演出?-很高兴认识你.我真不敢相信.不可思议.你刚刚赢得了奥斯卡奖.不,我没有.我认为你有.我想我落选了,三次.-饼干要吗?-不了.现在距离开拍还有一个小时.-你们能不能排练一下?-好的,没问题.好的.开始!-我们必须找到那个排!-不,忘了他们吧,那个排已经完了!-什么?-那个排的人都死了!面对现实吧,Tony!那我们该做什么?我们没有援军,也没有食物.食物在地下室里.有土豆和一些通心粉.暂停.Joey,你老是摸你的脸.有问题吗?没有.我只是....我认为那会是角色的一个很酷的特色.他是个爱摸脸的人.我不这么认为.从Richard的最后一句台词开始.开始!没有武器,我们还有食物.土豆,通心粉以及几罐吐拿鱼罐头!亲爱的,我们该走了!我有一个永远都不想问的问题:我爸爸能借一串你的珍珠项链吗?你知道他戴哪种款式的吗?不知道.我只见过他一次,但我猜是,低胸V字型?他是那种"爱显美"的爸爸.我没有,我看看Rachel有没有.好呀,让更多人知道这件事.你有没有意识到明天我们就结婚了?我明晚好像有个约会.-我不敢相信我们做到了.-好像没有那么令人吃惊.对不起,不过......-没事了.-怎么啦?好吧,老实说?自从我们订婚之后,我一直等着看你不安的样子.老实说?我也是.-真的?-是的.我认为如果某些困难突然发生的话,我会.......变得很不自然.-但是没有任何事情发生.-我真高兴.谢谢你一直保持镇静.这让我保持镇静.-我可能会变得更糟的.-好啦.我就来.[电话铃响]在礼拜六之前,你找到的是Monica和Chandler.但如果礼拜六之后你打电话,你找到的是Bing先生和Bing太太.请给Bing氏夫妇留言!-Maureen!-你好.-这是我的表妹,Maureen.-我们是Bing氏夫妇.嘿!你们看起来真棒.Bing先生,Bing太太!哇哦,Monica.告诉你们,我以哥哥的身份和Chanlder谈了谈.说了些什么?我告诉他,如果他伤害了你我会把他摁倒揣他屁股.大家到底怎么啦?我很认真的.我会揣他屁股的!Ross,不要再来啦,我的化妆!嗨.-Chandler.-妈妈.感谢你戴了...些东西真令人激动!我以为我们已经害得你不敢结婚了呢.想象一下,很快就会有一大堆姓Bing的小孩.我到时候必须回去工作,让人往脸上吐口水.至少往你脸上吐口水的是名人.-谁向你吐过?-我不想讨论工作.Bing太太?这是我的父母,Judy和JackGeller.-很高兴人是你.-那么你是他的父亲还是母亲?Jack!怎么啦?他们两个我从来没碰到过.爸爸,Ross在那里.去和他说话吧.我还没表现我对这种事没关系呢.好呀,各位.好呀...爸爸.你好,Bing先生.-Nora.-Charles.-真高兴看到你们都在这里.-是呀.尽管,我们可能看某人看的很多了.以你的年龄,是不是不适合穿成这样?那你是不是多了些东西而不适合穿成这样?哦,上帝.你当然可以揣他的屁股,儿子.只要你想,你可以揣任何人的屁股.谢谢你们.-Rach,Rach?-怎么啦?和Chandler的爸爸聊聊天,不要让他和Chandler的妈妈在一起.-他看起来象什么样?-一个穿着黑色晚礼服的男人.我是Rachel,是Monica和Chandler的朋友.-我是Amanda.-哦,我明白了."一个男人"(音同Amanda)[ROSS敲玻璃杯]大家注意下好吗?-我是RossGeller.-RossGeller博士.爸爸,不要这样.正如我说的......我是RossGeller博士.而且我是伴郎.我对今天大家一起在这里有点惊喜.告诉一下那些不太认识Chandler的人,他是那种不太相信二人关系的人.事实上,我认为,在他碰到Monica之前......他唯一真正的关系是......和一个叫Molly的女性.他本来可以娶她的,可是她控制不了她的膀胱.那是他的狗.我没说那是他的狗吗?不管怎么说......这个婚姻对我有双重特殊意义......不仅仅因为新郎是我最好的朋友......还因为新娘是我的妹妹.她是最好的妹妹.各位请举杯......向这对夫妇致敬.-致Bing氏夫妇.-致Bing氏夫妇!下一次你见到Chandler就在婚礼的过道上了.(国外婚礼两边是宾客席,中间留过道让新娘新郎走过)我不敢相信明天之后婚礼就结束了.不会结束的.你就要嫁给Chandler了.是呀.我可以在万圣节穿那套礼服!我要熨一下我的礼服.谁来帮我弄一下呀?-我来.-谁要来?有人吗?-我说了我来了.-没人吗?-那好吧,我自己弄.-我不会弄糟的.你很对,我错了.你今晚真是帮了大忙了.感谢你送我奶奶安全到达酒店.-当然了!这就是为什么我在这里.-好吧.对不起.什么奶奶?-你去哪里了?-送我父母去酒店呀.-我回去工作!-好的.-好墨镜.-如果我在拍摄的时候戴......就不会有口水跑到我眼睛里了.如果我没记错的话,雷朋眼镜是一次大战的赞助商.太棒了!好了!待会见.-Chandler在哪里?-我想他在Rachel的房间里.Chandler?Chandler?[敲门]-嘿.-嘿.-Monica在吗?-她在熨衣服呢,怎么啦?-我想Chandler跑了.-什么?-他留下这个.-"告诉Monica,我很对不起她."天那.怎么啦?"告诉Monica,我很对不起她."要说你自己去说呀.天呀.Chandler就这样跑了吗?也许事情不是我们想的这样."告诉Monica,我很对不起她,我把最后的牛奶都喝完了."或者"告诉Monica,我很对不起她,我用她的镊子拔鼻毛."我曾经看他干过.或者他想告诉她,他要改名成:"告诉Monica,我很对不起她."-这个留言的意思是他很惊慌失措,跑啦!-不要那么悲观!会不会他现在就坐在那里面?Phoebe,我认为Ross是对的.我们该怎么办?我要去找他,把他带回来.你们不要让Monica发现,好吗?好吧,不过如果你没找到他,把他带回来我就把你摁倒,揣你的屁股!我会找到他的.好了,礼服好了.怎么啦?我们为你感到高兴.哦,你们真好.我们能谈谈明天我要嫁的人吗?-我有多幸运呀?-真是个好问题.我希望你们也能找到象Chandler的人.我希望我们能尽快找到很像Chandler的人.Joey?你能和我排练一下这几段吗?哦,他们才刚刚给我补妆好.-就最后两页.-好吧.我找到照片了!照片?什么照片?我妻子的照片!我在你的包里找到的!你能把剧本放低点吗?我不太乐意.我需要看到你的表情好作出反应.好吧.我知道你很杰出,演过很多莎士比亚的人物但你老是喷口水到我脸上.-当然啦!-你知道你在吐口水?那是真正的演员做的事呀.发音标准是好演员的表现.当你发音标准的时候,你吐口水.真的,我还不知道?谢谢,好吧,我来试试.照片?什么照片?-你见到Chandler了吗?-没有,我没见到他.-该死.-他明天就要结婚了,对吗?是的,不用担心.一切都会好的.-婚礼见.-我没被邀请.那就后天见.妈妈?爸爸?你们在这干吗?你们老是说这个地方,现在我们知道为什么了.-我明白为什么女孩子喜欢来这了.-为什么?因为那个吧台后的金发性感尤物.-Gunther?-你妈妈她刚把他加入名单里.-你的名单?-就是那些我们想.....我知道名单是怎么回事.做下喝杯东西吧.我不行,对不起.如果你看到Chandler,告诉他我找他.如果你见到RitaMoreno,告诉她我找她.开始!我找到照片了!什么照片?我妻子的照片,在你的包里!你动我的私人物品?为什么你包里有Paulette的照片?因为,Vincent,我们已经是恋人...两年了!停!很好!拍的不错,对吗?你看起来很可怕.最后一句话,你都把我弄湿了.-这是明天的剧本.-我明天没工作呀.-现在有了.-不,你要帮帮我.我有计划,很重要的计划!-还是没有Chandler的消息.-天呀.不过他们在第五大道找到奶奶了.至少搞定一件事.我今天结婚啦!我的肋骨伤到了.不过我不在乎,今天是我的婚礼!我的婚礼终于到啦!她也许根本没注意到他跑掉了.我要开始准备了!我们不能让她开始准备.太糟啦!她穿好了婚纱,可是他没出现.然后她就得脱下婚纱停!你不能在这里说这件事.对不起,对不起.只是太伤感了.不要这样子.她不能看到你这样子.-她会发现有问题的.-我知道,我知道.这里还没有纸巾.你能帮我撕些卫生纸下来吗?也用完了.这里真是Monica的浴室吧?-我找到一张.-好了.谢谢.天呀.你能再给我一张吗?当然.你还需不需要一些棉线?我不敢想象他不出现的话会发生什么.这里还有一些.她会穿着婚纱等着然后人们就会低声说:"那个可怜的女孩"然后她就回来这里,孤独的生活.-天呀.-怎么啦?在垃圾桶里有个怀孕测试仪,而且显示是有孕.Monica怀孕了.我猜她至少不是完全孤独的.
723 The One With Chandler and Monica’s Wedding
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Monica: Do you realize this is probably the last time we’ll all be here in the coffee house as six single people?
Phoebe: Why?! What’s happening to the coffee house?! (Monica looks at her.) Oh! (Realizes.)
Chandler: Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the misses. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain.
Monica: Old?
Chandler: The young hot ball and chain.
Monica: That’s much better.
Rachel: (checking her watch) Op! We gotta go! (The girls stand up.)
Ross: Oh, where are you guys going?
Monica: We’re gonna pick up the wedding dress then we’re gonna have lunch with mom. (Joey stands up.)
Ross: Ah. Joey you’re-you’re having lunch with my mom?
Joey: No, I-I just heard lunch. But yeah, I can go. Sure! (They all exit.)
Ross: (To Chandler) Y’know what? Actually I’m kinda glad they’re leaving ‘cause uh, I need to talk to you about something.
Chandler: What’s up?
Ross: Well this uh, this may be a little awkward.
Chandler: Listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. I’m buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.
Ross: No, its…Its not that. Umm, now what I’m going to say to you, I’m not saying as your friend. Okay? I’m-I’m saying as it as Monica’s older brother.
Chandler: But you’re still my friend?
Ross: Not for the next few minutes.
Chandler: During this time…are you, are you still my best man?
Ross: Nope.
Chandler: Do I still call you Ross?
Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and-and I couldn’t be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monica’s older brother I-I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down, and kick your ass! (Chandler laughs.) What? I’m-I’m-I’m serious! (Chandler laughs harder.) Come—Hey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? I’m-I’m not kidding here!
Chandler: (smiling) Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning.
Ross: No problem.
Chandler: So are we…friends again?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Okay. (Pause) You won’t believe what Monica’s older brother just said to me!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the girls are having breakfast.]
Rachel: What ‘cha doing Mon?
Monica: I’m making a list of all the things that are most likely to go wrong at the wedding. Now, that way I can be prepared.
Phoebe: What are they?
Monica: Well, so far I have uh, my bride’s maids dresses won’t get picked up, my veil gets lost, or I don’t have my something blue.
Rachel: Hey! Those are all the things I’m responsible for!
Monica: I had to go with the odds Rach.
Joey: (entering) Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and didn’t get the part?
Rachel: The commercial?
Joey: No!
Phoebe: That play?
Joey: No!
Monica: That other play?
Joey: Nooo!
Phoebe: The movie?
Joey: Yes!!
Phoebe: Ohh!
Joey: Yes that’s the one about the soldiers who fight in World War I!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Back then y’know, we called the Great War. It really was!
Joey: Well anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! I start shooting today!
Phoebe: Congratulations!
Rachel: Oh that’s great!
Monica: Wait! Wait! Wait! You can’t start today! Today’s the rehearsal dinner!
Joey: Oh no, I’ll be done by then.
Monica: Oh. Well then way to go you big movie star!
Joey: I know! All right, I’ll see you guys over there! I’m off to fight the Nazis.
Rachel: Oh, wait Joey! We fought the Nazis in World War II, not World War I.
Joey: Whoa! Okay. Yeah well, who-who was in World War I? (Rachel pauses as she thinks.)
Phoebe: Go ahead.
Rachel: You’re gonna be late! Go! Go! (He runs out.)
Monica: Who did we fight in World War I?
Rachel: Mexico?
Phoebe: Yes! Very good.
[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is in costume and standing at the craft services table. He checks his pockets and finds some prop coins in a pouch, which he replaces with some cookies.]
The Assistant Director: (approaching) Hey Joey! We’re ready.
Joey: Yeah! Me too. (He pats his pocket.)
The Assistant Director: (to another actor) Richard? We’re ready for you. (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby he’s playing Vincent.
Joey: I’m doing my scenes with you?
Richard: Nice to meet you Joey.
Joey: Wow! I can’t believe this! This is incredible. I mean you just won an Oscar!
Richard: No I didn’t.
Joey: I think you did.
Richard: I think I lost. Three times.
Joey: Uh…Cookie?
The Director: (approaching) Okay! We’re about an hour away from getting the scene lit. So uh, if you guys don’t mind, can we run it a couple of times?
Richard: Yeah, sure.
The Director: Okay, all right. Let’s do it. (He walks off.) And…Action!
Joey: We have to find the rest of the platoon!
Richard: Forget the platoon! The platoon is gone! (He is spitting on the hard Ps and Ts.)
Joey: (wiping his face) What?!
Richard: (still spitting) The platoon is dead! Face facts Tony!
Joey: (wipes face) So what are we gonna do?! We have no reinforcements! No-no food!
Richard: No, we still have food in the basement! I saw potatoes and some dry pasta!
(Joey wipes his eye.)
The Director: Hang on a minute! Joey, you keep touching your face. Is something wrong?
Joey: (glances at Richard) No. Nope, I uh…I th—I thought it might be kind of a cool character thing. Y’know? He’s uh, he’s a face toucher. (Behind his back, Richard is nodding no.)
The Director: I don’t think so. Let’s take it back to Richard’s last line. (Walks off.) Action!
Richard: We may not have any weapons, but we still have food. In the basement I saw potatoes and some dry pasta, and a few tins of tuna! (Joey backs away and wipes his face again.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is standing in the kitchen ready to leave for the rehearsal dinner.]
Monica: Honey, we gotta go!
Chandler: (entering from the bedroom) Okay. Here’s a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
Monica: (laughs) I don’t have anything like that, but let me go see if Rachel does.
Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.
Monica: Hey, do you realize that at this time tomorrow we’ll be getting married?
Chandler: Wait a minute! I have a date tomorrow night.
Monica: I just, I can’t believe that we made it!
Chandler: Well you don’t have to sound so surprised.
Monica: I’m sorry but…nothing.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Well…honestly ever since we got engaged I have been waiting for something to, to flip you out.
Chandler: Honestly? Me too.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah. Y’know I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and I’ll go all…Chandler. But nothing has.
Monica: Ohh, I’m so glad. Thank you so much for staying so calm during this. I mean it’s really, it’s made me stay calm. (Chandler just looks at her.) I coulda been worse!
Chandler: Okay. I’ll be right there.
(She exits and as Chandler picks up his coat, the phone rings and the answering machine gets it.)
Monica: (voice on answering machine) Hi! If you’re calling before Saturday, you’ve reached Monica and Chandler. But if you’re calling after Saturday, you’ve reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing! Please leave a message for the Bings!
(Chandler freaks out and loosens his tie.)
[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner, Chandler and Monica are greeting guests as they arrive. A woman enters.]
Monica: Hey Maureen! (They hug.) Gosh! Hey uh, Chandler? This is my cousin Maureen.
Chandler: We’re the Bings.
(Phoebe and Rachel walk up.)
Rachel: Hi! Oh you guys look so beautiful!
Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing! (Walks away.)
Ross: (walks up) Wow Monica! Hey, just so you know I had my uh, older brother chat with Chandler.
Monica: What is that?
Ross: Well I…I told him that if he ever hurt you I would hunt him down and kick his ass! (The girls all laugh.) What?! What?! What is the matter with everybody?! I am serious! I would kick his ass! (The laugh harder.)
Phoebe: Ross, please! My make-up! (He walks away angrily.)
(Chandler’s Mom enters and Chandler meets her by the door.)
Chandler: Hi.
Mrs. Bing: Chandler!
Chandler: Mom. Thanks for wearing something. (They hug.) (She’s wearing a tight dress with a lot of cleavage showing.)
Mrs. Bing: Oh honey! This is so exciting! I thought we screwed you up so bad this day would never come. Oh and just think. Soon there’ll be lots of little Bings. (He freaks out and loosens the tie again.)
(Monica and her parents walk up.)
Monica: Mrs. Bing? Here, these are my parents umm, Judy and Jack Geller.
Mrs. Geller: (shaking her hand) It’s lovely to meet you.
Mr. Geller: (shaking her hand) So are you his mother or his father?
Mrs. Geller: Jack!
Mr. Geller: What?! I’ve never seen one before!
Monica: Dad! There’s Ross (points), why don’t you go talk to him?
(Mr. and Mrs. Geller start to walk away.)
Mr. Geller: I didn’t even have a chance to act as though I’m okay with it!
Mr. Bing: (entering) Hello all!
Chandler: Hi…dad.
Monica: Hi Mr.…Bing.
Mr. Bing: Nora!
Mrs. Bing: Charles.
Monica: It-it’s so great to see you both here.
Mr. Bing: Yes! Although, I think we may be seeing a little too much of some people. Aren’t you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Mrs. Bing: Don’t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?
Chandler: Oh my God! (He and Monica walk away.)
[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller talking to Ross.]
Mr. Geller: …of course you can kick his ass son.
Mrs. Geller: You could kick anyone’s ass you want too.
Ross: Thanks you guys. (Walks away happily and his parents smile.)
[Cut to Monica.]
Monica: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would talk to Chandler’s dad and try to keep him away from Chandler’s mom?
Rachel: Yeah! But I don’t know what he looks like!
Monica: He is the man in the black dress.
Rachel: Man in the black dress… (Monica walks away and Rachel looks around to find a woman in a black dress.) (To her) Hi! I’m Rachel! I’m a friend of Monica and Chandler’s!
Woman: I’m Amanda.
Rachel: Oh I get it! A…man…duh!
Ross: (clinking a wine glass) Can I have everyone’s attention please? I’m uh; I’m Ross Geller.
Mr. Geller: Doctor Ross Geller.
Ross: Dad…dad, please! As I was saying umm, I’m Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh, and I’m the best man. And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me umm, because not only is the groom my best friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And, she’s the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if you’d all please join me in raising a glass to the, the couple we’re here to celebrate. (Everyone does so.) To the Bings.
All: To the Bings!
(Everyone clinks glasses and Chandler freaks out again.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are in the kitchen.]
Monica: All right, I’m gonna go steam my wedding dress okay? Who wants the responsibility of making sure nothing happens to it?
Rachel: I’ll do it.
Monica: Who wants it? Anybody?
Rachel: I said I’ll do it!
Monica: Nobody wants to do it? All right, I’ll do it myself.
Rachel: Monica! I’m not gonna screw it up!
Monica: Y’know what? You’re right, I’m sorry. Actually you were a big help tonight. Yeah, and thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab and making sure she got to the hotel safely.
Rachel: Well of course that is what I’m here for!
Monica: Okay. Sorry. (Monica goes into the bathroom.)
Rachel: Ugh! (To Phoebe) What grandmother?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is wearing sunglasses and as he exits his bedroom, Ross enters the apartment.]
Joey: Hey! Where have you been?
Ross: Oh, taking my parents back to the hotel.
Joey: Oh.
Ross: What? Are you going back to work?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: Nice shades.
Joey: Thanks. Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes at least I won’t get spit in the eyes, y’know?
Ross: And if I remember correctly, Ray Ban was the official sponsor of World War I!
Joey: Great! All right. I’ll see you later. (He starts to leave.)
Ross: Hey, where’s Chandler?
Joey: Uh, I think he’s in Rachel’s room. See ya. (Exits.)
Ross: (going up to Rachel’s closed door) Chandler? (He opens the door and looks inside and doesn’t see him.) Chandler? (He checks the bathroom and still doesn’t find him. He then finds a note on the counter. He picks it up and reads it.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe and Rachel are in the kitchen as there is a knock on the door. Rachel answers it.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Is uh, is Monica here?
Rachel: She’s steaming her dress, why? What’s up?
Ross: I think Chandler’s gone. (He hands her the note.)
Rachel: What?!
Ross: He left that.
Rachel: (reading the note) Tell Monica I’m sorry.
Phoebe: (walking up) What’s up? (Rachel hands her the note and she reads it.) Tell Monica I’m sorry. (Pause) Tell her yourself!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Hallway, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are discussing the note.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! Chandler just left though!
Rachel: Yeah but, maybe it’s not what we think. Maybe it’s tell Monica I’m sorry I…drank the last of the milk.
Phoebe: Or maybe he-he was writing to tell her that-that he’s changed his name, y’know? Tell Monica I’m sorry.
Ross: I think it means he freaked out and left!
Phoebe: Don’t be so negative! Good God! Isn’t it possible that Sorry is sitting in there (Joey and Rachel’s apartment) right now?!
Rachel: Okay. Phoebe, I-I think Ross is right. What are we gonna do?
Ross: Look—Okay, I’m just gonna—I’m gonna have to go find him and bring him back! Okay? You-you make sure Monica does not find out, okay?
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: (pointing at Ross) Okay but if you don’t find him and bring him back, I am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass!
(Ross laughs and Phoebe points harder.)
Ross: (scared) I will, I will find him.
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is getting his make-up touched up as Richard approaches.]
Richard: Hey Joey, could you uh, go through these lines with me? (He’s holding a script.)
Joey: Oh man! They-they just redid my make-up!
Richard: Just the last two pages.
Joey: All right.
(They go onto the set.)
Richard: I found the picture!
(He’s still spitting and Joey holds his script in front of his face.)
Joey: Picture? What picture?
Richard: Could you uh, could you lower your script? I need to see your face so I can uh, play off your reaction.
Joey: Okay uh, look I know you’re a great actor, okay? And you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuff…
Richard: Oh, thanks.
Joey: But you’re spittin’ all over me man!
Richard: Well of course I am!
Joey: You know you’ve been spitting on me?!
Richard: That’s what real actors do! Annunciation is the mark of a good actor! And when you enunciate, you spit! (Spits on the t)
Joey: (wiping face) Wow! Didn’t know that.
Richard: Great!
Joey: Thanks! Okay-okay check it out! (Reading from the script) Picture? What picture? (He pauses then spits) Eh?
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is behind the counter as Ross enters looking for Chandler.]
Ross: Gunther have you uh, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther: No. No, I haven’t seen him.
Ross: Oh damn!
Gunther: He’s getting married tomorrow right?
Ross: Yes. Yes. Don’t worry. Everything’s fine. We’ll uh, we’ll see you tomorrow at the wedding.
Gunther: I wasn’t invited.
Ross: Well then we’ll-we’ll see you the day after tomorrow. (Walks away slowly, but notices something.) Mom?! Dad?! (They’re sitting by the window.) What-what…what you guys doing here?!
Mr. Geller: Well you kids talk about this place so much, we thought we’d see what all the fuss is about.
Mrs. Geller: I certainly see what the girls like coming here.
Ross: Why?!
Mrs. Geller: The sexy blonde behind the counter. (She waves at Gunther who waves back.)
Ross: (shocked) Gunther?!
Mr. Geller: Your mother just added him to her list.
Ross: What? Your-your list?
Mrs. Geller: Yeah, the list that—of people we’re allowed to sleep…
Ross: Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list is! Mom! Look if you see Chandler, could you just let him know I’m looking for him?
Mr. Geller: And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know I’m looking for her.
(Ross points at him and exits.)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Richard and Joey are doing a scene.]
The Director: Action!
Richard: I found the picture!
Joey: What picture?!
Richard: The picture of my wife! In your pack!
Joey: You went through my personal property?
Richard: Why do have a picture of Paulette in your pack?!
Joey: (pause) Because Vincent, we were lovers. (Pause) For two years!
The Director: Cut! Wonderful!
(Joey and Richard both wipe their faces and are given towels.)
Joey: Great scene yeah?
Richard: Oh you’re awesome! And, in that last speech? You soaked me.
Joey: Thanks a lot.
The Assistant Director: (To Joey) Here’s your call sheet for tomorrow.
Joey: Oh, I’m-I’m not working tomorrow.
The Assistant Director: You are now.
Joey: No! No! I can’t! You gotta get me out of it! I’ve got plans! (Spits.) Important plans! (Spits on the Ps.)
(The AD walks away wiping his face.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the next morning, Rachel and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Rachel: (closing the door) Ross said there’s still no word from Chandler.
Phoebe: Oh man.
Rachel: Oh but he did say that they found the grandmother wandering down fifth avenue.
Phoebe: Okay. Well there’s one down.
Monica: (entering from her room, excitedly) I’m getting married today!!! (She trips and falls.) (Getting up) I think I just cracked a rib. But I don’t care because today’s my wedding day! My day is finally here!! (Runs back into her room.)
Phoebe: Y’know she might not even notice he’s gone.
Monica: (re-entering) I’m gonna start getting ready! (Goes back into her room.)
Rachel: God! Don’t—We can’t let her start getting ready! This is too awful! Oh God, but wait she’ll be in the gown and then he won’t show up and then she’s gonna have to take off the gown…
Phoebe: Shhh! Stop it! Stop it Rachel! You can’t do this here! (She drags her into the bathroom.)
Rachel: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just…It’s just so sad!
Phoebe: Yeah, but you’ve got to pull yourself together! Monica can’t see you like this! Then she’ll know something’s wrong!
Rachel: I know. I know. Oh God. (Looking around) There’s no tissue! Can you grab me some toilet paper?
Phoebe: Yeah. (Looks.) Oh, that’s gone too. This is Monica’s bathroom right?!
Rachel: Oh!
Phoebe: No-no! I-I…I found one.
Rachel: Okay.
(Phoebe reaches into the trash can, pulls one out, and hands it to Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh thank you! (Wiping her nose.) Oh God! (She throws it out.) Can I have another one?
Phoebe: (looking into the trash can) Sure. (Reaching into the trash can.) Do you need some floss? (Grabs a piece of it.)
Rachel: Oh God I just can not imagine what is gonna happen if Chandler doesn’t show up!
Phoebe: Oh here’s a whole bunch.
Rachel: Oh, I mean she’s gonna be at the wedding waiting for him and people will be whispering, "Oh that poor girl." Y’know? Then she’ll have to come back here and live all alone.
Phoebe: (finding something interesting in the trash can) Oh my God!
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and it’s positive. Monica’s pregnant. (Rachel covers her mouth.) So I guess she won’t be totally alone.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s bathroom, the scene is continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: I know! Monica’s gonna have a baby! Hey, can this count as her something new?
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off?
Rachel: No, she had to have just taken that test because I took out the trash last night.
Phoebe: Oh God, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant. The groom is missing. And I’m still holding this. (She throws the test back into the trash.)
Rachel: Okay Phoebe, we can not tell anyone about this.
Phoebe: Right.
Rachel: Okay?
Phoebe: Yeah, okay. Hey, wait. Do you know what kind of birth control she was using?
Rachel: No. Why?
Phoebe: Just for the future, this is hardly a commercial for it.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is just hanging up the phone as Rachel and Phoebe enter.]
Rachel: Anything?
Ross: No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasn’t heard from him. I-I-I talked to Chandler’s parents again!
Phoebe: You told them he was missing?
Ross: No! I made it seem like I was just calling to chat. Pretty sure, they both think I’m interested in them.
Rachel: All right, we’ve got to tell her he’s gone. (Starts to leave.)
Ross: No! Hey! Hey! We can’t!
Rachel: Ross, she’s gonna start getting ready soon!
Ross: Well, can’t you at least stall her a little? I’ll-I’ll go back to some of the places I went last night.
Rachel: All right, well how much time do you need?
Ross: Well how much time before she absolutely has to start getting ready?
Rachel: One hour.
Ross: Give me two.
Rachel: Then why do you ask?!
(They all go into the hallway.)
Ross: Okay, wish me luck.
Phoebe: Okay. I’m going with you.
Ross: Why?!
Phoebe: Ross, you’re tired. You’ve been looking all night. And clearly you suck at this.
Rachel: All right, I’ll see you guys later.
Phoebe: Okay. Wait, do you know how you’re going to stall her?
Rachel: I’ll figure something out.
Phoebe: All right. Good luck.
Rachel: Thanks.
(Phoebe and Ross go to look for Chandler and Rachel enters Monica and Chandler’s.)
Monica: Hey! Okay, so I thought we’d start with my make up and then do my hair.
Rachel: Okay uh, but before you do that. I-I, I need you to talk to me.
Monica: About what?
Rachel: Umm… I’m never gonna getting married!
Monica: Yeah you will! The right guy is just around the corner! Okay, are we done with that?
Rachel: No Monica! I’m serious! Oh, maybe I should just forget about it. Become a lesbian or something.
Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have ya.
Rachel: Well maybe it would make me feel better if I slept with Joey.
Monica: (jumping up) Rachel! You okay?
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is reporting for work.]
Joey: Excuse me, Aaron? (The director turns around.) Hi! Umm, I have a little problem with the schedules. Originally, I wasn’t supposed to work today, and I have this wedding that I really have to be at. It’s my best friend’s, and I’m officiating so I really can’t work past four.
The Director: Joey, you gotta stay until the end. We can’t stop filming just for you. It’s not like it’s your wedding. (Starts to walk away.)
Joey: I’m having surgery!
The Director: What?!
Joey: Yeah, I-I just made up the stuff about the wedding because I didn’t want you to worry about me. But, I’m having surgery today.
The Director: What kind of surgery?!
Joey: Transplant.
The Director: But you’re supposed to work on Monday.
Joey: Hair transplant.
The Director: But you’re not bald.
Joey: It’s not on my head.
The Director: Look Joey, there’s nothing I can do. Besides, you’re probably gonna be out by four anyway. We’ve just got one short scene. It’s just you and Richard, and God knows he’s a pro. You’ll be fine. (Walks away and sees Richard entering.) Morning Richard.
Joey: Hey! You’re here! Great! Great! Great! Let’s get going buddy, we’ve got a scene to shoot!
Richard: I’m wearing two belts.
Joey: Are you drunk?
Richard: No!
Joey: Yes you are!
Richard: All right.
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Ross are exiting a pizza place.]
Ross: We are never gonna find him! He’s one guy in a huge city!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Is that him? (She points at someone.)
Ross: That is an old, Chinese woman!
Phoebe: He could be in disguise, y’know.
Ross: Aw, y’know…Y’know, maybe we’re-we’re just approaching this all wrong. If you’re Chandler and-and you wanna hide, where is the last place on Earth people would think you’d go?
[Cut to an office building.]
Ross: So this is your office?
Chandler: How did you guys find me? I knew I should’ve hid at the gym!
Phoebe: What the hell are you doing?!
Chandler: Panicking! And using the Internet to try to prove that I’m related to Monica. How is she?
Ross: She’s fine. She doesn’t know you’re gone. And she doesn’t have to know, okay? Now come on, we’re going home.
Chandler: No! No! No! I can’t do that!
Phoebe: Why not?!
Chandler: Because if I go home, we’re gonna become the Bings! I can’t be the Bings!
Ross: What’s wrong with being the Bings?
Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!
Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!
Chandler: It’s not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybody’s! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And I’ve met me; I am not Paul Newman. I don’t race cars! I don’t make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity.
Phoebe: But look Chandler, right now, no one has a lower opinion of you than I do. But I totally believe you can do this.
Chandler: I want to. I love her so much, but I’m afr…It’s too huge.
Ross: Y’know, okay. You’re right. It is huge. So why don’t we take it just a little bit at a time? Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower?
Chandler: Well yeah, but then…
Ross: (interrupting him) Yeah—No-but-but-but-but! We’re just gonna go home and take a shower. Now, that’s not scary right?
Chandler: Depends on what you mean by we.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still trying to stall Monica.]
Rachel: The nights are the hardest. (Checks her watch.) But then the day comes! And that’s every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again…
Monica: (interrupting) The days and nights are hard! I get it! Okay? Look umm, Rachel I’m sorry! I have to start getting ready! I’m getting married today!
Rachel: I know. At dusk. That’s such a hard time for me.
Monica: (getting up) I’m gonna go put my make up on, we have to be at the hotel in an hour! (Starts for the bathroom.)
Rachel: Okay. But wait!
Monica: What?!
Rachel: Let’s go to lunch.
Monica: I can’t go to lunch!!
Rachel: Right.
(Monica goes into the bathroom and Rachel thinks quickly.)
Rachel: Oh good God! I’ve fallen down! (She trips and falls.)
Monica: (entering) What’s going on?
Rachel: Okay. All right. (Gets up.) Honey listen. When I tell you what I’m about to tell you, I need you to remember that we are all here for you and that we love you.
Monica: Okay, you’re-you’re really freaking me out.
Rachel: We can’t find Chandler…(Phoebe sticks her head and motions that they found Chandler)—‘s vest. We can’t find Chandler’s vest.
Monica: How can that be?! Oh wait! Wait! Are you, are you serious?!
Phoebe: (entering) Found the vest! I mean we’re gonna have to keep an eye on it, y’know make sure we don’t lose it again…
Rachel: Oh!
Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Don’t scare me like that okay? I mean for a minute there I was like, "Oh my God! The worst has happened!"
(Monica goes into the bathroom and Phoebe and Rachel breathe a sigh of relief.)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey and Richard are in the middle of a scene. They are both holding swords.]
Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!
Richard: That can be arranged.
(Richard thrusts, misses Joey by several feet and Joey screams in pain and drops to his knees.)
The Director: Let’s reset.
Joey: What?! He got me! Owwwwww!!!
The Director: Let’s take it from there.
Richard: (To Joey) Are you a little off today? It’s going terribly slowly.
Joey: Look, my best friends are getting married in like an hour. Okay? And I’m the minister. Please! Please! Can you pull it together?
Richard: Of course! I’m-I’m sorry. I-I’d hate you to miss anything like that on account of me. I can do this!
Joey: Thank you. Thank you.
The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!
Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!
Richard: Now, that can be arranged! (He brings his sword back and drops it, causing it to fly over the wall.) Slippery little bugger!
[Scene: The Hotel, Monica’s room, Mr. and Mrs. Bing are staring at each other while Phoebe looks on.]
Phoebe: So-so you two were married huh? What happened? You just drift apart?
(Rachel and Mrs. Geller enter.)
Mrs. Geller: Here comes the bride.
(Monica enters wearing her wedding dress.)
Phoebe: Oh my God Monica!
Monica: I wanna wear this everyday.
Rachel: You look so beautiful.
Monica: (starting to cry) I’m so happy for me.
(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
Rachel: Hello?
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