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老友记第八季801 The One After "I Do

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上帝呀!我知道,Monica要生孩子了!这算不算些新鲜事?天呀.你认不认为这是他离开的原因?她应该是刚刚做的测试,我昨晚倒了垃圾.这会是最糟的婚礼.新娘怀孕了,新郎跑了,而我还拿着这个东西.Phoebe,我们不能告诉任何人.-好吧.-好的.你知道她用什么避孕吗?不知道,怎么啦?将来会是个很好的广告.有什么消息吗?没有.我告诉Joey了.他也没有Chandler的消息.我又和Chandler父母谈了.-你告诉他们他跑了?-没有.我装成要找他聊聊.我认为他们都对我有兴趣.-我们得告诉她.-不,我们不能.她就要开始准备了.你能拖延一下她吗?我要去下昨晚去过的地方.要多少时间?她准备好要多长时间?-一个小时.-给我两个小时.那你还问?-祝我好运.-我和你一起去.为什么?你很累了,你找了一晚.而且很明显,你在这方面很烂.我可有夜盲.-不,你没有.-好吧,但是我在这方面并不烂.待会见.等一下,你知道怎么拖延她吗?-我会找到方法的.-好吧,祝你好运.先画好妆,再弄头发.好吧,但是你开始之前,我想和你谈谈.谈什么?我嫁不出去啦!你会的,真命天子就在那里.我们谈完了吗?不,我是认真的.也许我该忘了这些.成为女同性恋或什么的.哪个女的有了你真是幸运.或者我和Joey上床会感觉好受一些.Rachel?你还好吗?对不起,Aaron?我对计划有点意见.我今天不应该工作的.我必须参加一个婚礼.是我最好的朋友的,我来主持,所以四点以后我不能工作.你要呆在这里,直到结束.我们不能因为你一个而不拍摄.又不是你的婚礼.是我的婚礼.我说的不清楚吗?你说是你最好的朋友的.是的,和我.我要娶我最好的朋友.这是不是很好?-你说你要主持.-没错.你自己的婚礼?这种事比你想象的发生的要多.对不起,还是不行.我要动手术.什么?我捏造出婚礼,是因为不希望你担心.其实我今天要手术.什么样的手术?移植手术.你礼拜一要上班呀.头发移植.可是你又不是秃顶.不是在我头上移植.我做不了什么.你也许四点以前就可以走了我们只有一幕要拍,就你和Richard,而他又是这么专业.你会没问题的.早上好,Richard.你在这里呀!走吧,伙计!我们还有一幕要拍!我穿了两条皮带.-你喝醉了吗?-没有.你喝醉了!好吧.我们找不到他的.就他一个人,这个城市这么大.天呀,那个是不是他?那是个中国老女人.他可以化妆呀.没错,你是对的.等一下....Chandler!现在你明白了.也许我们想的都是错的.如果你是Chandler,你想躲起来...什么地方是人们认为你最后会躲的地方?这就是你的办公室?你们怎么找到我的?我真应该躲在健身房.-你到底在干吗?-惊慌失措中.顺便用Internet尝试证明我和Monica有关联.-她怎么样?-她不知道你跑了.而且她不需要知道.来吧,我们回去.-我做不到.-为什么?如果我回去,我们就会成为Bing氏夫妇.我不能Bing氏夫妇.Bing氏夫妇有什么问题吗?Bing氏夫妇有恶劣的婚姻.他们争吵,打架,用泳池男孩.....做为他们性游戏的赌注.你有没有穿上黑色晚礼服,让我和你一起去酒店?-没有.-那你就不是你的父母中的任何一个.不止是他们的婚姻.瞧瞧你的,瞧瞧大家的.只有PaulNewman有美满婚姻.我又不是PaulNewman.我不开赛车或做爆米花.我的收入没有捐给过慈善机构.瞧,Chandler...现在对你,没有人有比我更低的评价了.但我还是相信你做的到.我希望如此,我很爱她,但是我害怕这件事太重要了.没错,很重要.那么我们一次做一点试试.暂时忘了婚姻.你能回家洗个澡吗?-好的,可以,不过到时候---不不不!我们只是回家洗个澡.这没什么可怕的是吗?这就要看你的"我们"是怎么回事了-你没问题了-没错.Chandler又有笑话说了.你觉得怎么样?我会洗个澡,不过我不想--没事,那就是我们说的所有事.走吧,回去吧.嘿,谁是MikeSmith?我确认过这是我的办公室呀.夜晚是最难熬的.但是到了白天就会和晚上一样困难.-等到晚上到来---白天和晚上都困难,我知道了!我必须开始准备了,今天我结婚.我知道,在黄昏.那对我是一个很艰难的时刻.我要开始化妆了.我们要在一个小时内到那里.-等一下!-等一下.我们去吃午饭吧!我不能去吃午饭!好吧.哦,天呀,我摔倒了.怎么回事?好吧.好吧,亲爱的,听我说.当我告诉你之后,记住....我们都支持你,爱你.好吧,你真要弄得我慌了.我们找不到Chandler的马甲.我们找不到Chandler的马甲.怎么会这样?等等,你是认真的吗?找到马甲了.我们得留意些省得又丢了.哦,好了,不要再吓我了,好吗?那一瞬间,我就好像,"天呀!最坏的事情发生了!"我会在和你见到她之前死去!(不确定)这是可以修正的.-重来.-什么?他砍到我了.我们从刚刚的地方开始.你今天是不是有点不在状态?进度很慢呀.我最好的朋友就要在一个小时内结婚了.我是司仪.求求你,你能帮忙下吗?当然,对不起.我讨厌你把这个算到我头上.我会做到的.谢谢.开始!我会在和你见到她之前死去!这是可以修正的.真是又小又滑的东西!你们结过婚是吗?后来发生了什么,你们分居啦?你还记不记得我们的结婚的那天?你知不知道我和伴郎上床了?他告诉我了.至少,我认为是这个意思.他的腿缠着我的脑袋的时候,不太好听懂他的话.新娘来了.哦,天呀,Monica!我想天天穿着这个.你看起来真漂亮.我真为我感到高兴.[电话铃响]-你好?-Chandler出现了吗?-我们找到他了,一切都很好.-该死!-你在哪里?-我还在拍摄中.婚礼不到一小时就要举行啦.对不起,那个人喝醉了.直到我拍完,他们不让我走.-天那,我该找另一个司仪.-不,我是司仪!让他们接电话,我在这里宣布他们结婚.Joey,我要走了.不要挂掉电话!我会让你和我结婚!我有这个权利好啦,你现在穿上礼服了!不是很吓人,是不是?不是.我告诉你,就穿一小段时间.好吧,下面干什么?结婚.你可以做到.就好像你前面做的一样.好吧,你是对的,我做的到.-我要出去一下.-你去哪里?我不会跑掉的.我需要点新鲜空气.-好的.-好的.哦,新鲜空气!-掩护我-也许你有点反应过度了.我们该做点什么.Joey没办法办到.我要找找其他的婚礼的司仪.不要告诉他们Monica怀孕了.他们会不高兴做司仪的的.好的.AnastassakisPapasifakis的婚礼.太棒了.恭喜你们.太好了.嗨,哦,很不错的帽子.我希望你主持另一场婚礼.可以吗?我不知道.他们是希腊东正教徒吗?是的,是的.他们是我的朋友,MonicaStephanopolis.和ChandlerAcidophilus.嗨.嗨.谁见到Chandler了吗?-我想他是和你在一起.-他曾经和我在一起.我们在玩捉迷藏.你不能问我们,儿子.那是作弊.你是对的.谢谢你让我保持诚实,爸爸.他不能来这里看到穿着婚纱的新娘.当我们结婚的时候,我看到穿婚纱的新郎.那是在婚礼之后.不会带来厄运的.亲爱的,那不是好运.上帝呀!Monica.我知道!-Chandler在干吗?-他很好.他做的很好.不用担心Chandler.-你还好吧?-是的.你在流汗.那是为你和Chandler感到高兴.这是喜悦的汗水.哦,真好.不要碰我.-Phoebe,我能和你谈谈吗?-好的.-怎么啦?-Chandler又跑了.你为什么要和一个你知道有很大风险会跑掉的人玩捉迷藏?Aaron,你得让我走,那家伙晕头转向的.对不起,只要他还在这里,还有意识,我们就得拍下去.你有没有一个大的叉子?我和导演谈过了.我们今天的戏拍完了.我们拍完那一幕了?-是的,你表现的很好.-和你一样.我开来你的车了.就在外面.为什么,我们收工了吗?那是你告诉我的.谢谢你.不用谢.现在,我们走吧.这是我的屁股吗?-他在这里!-怎么啦?你这次不要想再跑了.除非你想我揣你的屁股!-Ross!-嗨呀!我是认真的!你别想离开我的妹妹没错,我不会.-那你去哪里啦?-我知道Monica的事了.-你知道?-什么?-我听到你和Rachal的谈话.-关于什么?你不知道?如果再没有人告诉我的话,我就...什么,你就嗨呀?Monica怀孕了.天呀.天呀,而你没有惊慌?我曾经,然后我到礼品店买香烟.-香烟?接着我在礼品店,看到了这个.然后我想,能套进这个东西的不会有什么可怕的.很显然你没看过ChuckieIII.瞧,这个多小,多可爱呀.我把它给Monica的话,她就会明白我对这一切有准备了.伙计.干得好孩子,我知道你会找到他的.我们的小家伙终于结婚了.瞧瞧你,多英俊.你看起来很漂亮,妈妈.你也是,爸爸.我爱你们.我很高兴你们在这里.你是Chandler吗?你是Joey吗?-真好.-怎么啦?我从来没有走在一条不通往离婚的过道上.我希望你奶奶活着看到这一切.-她就在那里.-不是那个老女人.我的妈妈.祝贺你,亲爱的.我们爱你,甜心.你看起来真漂亮.-这是新的?-现在不是了.-他是谁?-我是Karabasos神父.他是希腊东正教的.和你们一样.我们开始吧.亲爱的各位....那是我的话!我会搞定剩下的.谢谢.亲爱的各位,我对我来迟感到抱歉.你们也许对这身衣服有点疑惑...但你们不是在参加2002年的战争纪念日.让我们在新郎逃跑之前开始吧.今天我们聚在一起参加这位先生和女士的神圣婚礼.我很久以前就认识Monica和Chandler,而且我想象不出...比他们更合适的一对.现在,正如我忘在更衣室的笔记写的,我们进行宣誓.Monica?-他逃跑过?-继续,继续.Chandler,很久以来...我都一直怀疑我能否找到我的王子.我的真命天子.直到三年前,另一个婚礼我从一位朋友那里得到安慰.就在那时,我找到了我一生都在追求的.现在......我们在这里......和我们的未来.而我只希望和你一起分享我的王子.我的真命天子.我的朋友.除非你不想.到你了.Chandler?没事的.我曾认为这会是我做的最艰难的一件事.但当我看到你从过道走过来,我发现一切都这么简单.我爱你.任何吃惊的事的到来都没关系,我会一直爱你.你是我希望能一起度过人生的人如果你想知道我是否肯定?你现在可以亲吻新娘.那么我以纽约州赋予我的权利...以及网上的家伙赋予的...我现在宣布你们为丈夫和妻子.等一下,你们愿不愿意和对方在一起?-我愿意.-我愿意.是呀,你们愿意!戒指那?哦,废话.现在交换戒指.我们干得不错吧?再一次我宣布你们为丈夫和妻子.现在再亲她一次.我爱你.而且我知道孩子的事.-什么孩子?-我们的孩子.我们有孩子?Phoebe在垃圾桶里找到你的怀孕测试器.我没做过怀孕测试.那是谁做的?瞧他们.他们就要有孩子了.是呀.
801 The One After "I Do"
[Scene: The Wedding Hall, Monica and Chandler have just said "I do," and the photographer is taking the required pictures. First of Monica, Chandler, Ross and Joey.]
Photographer: Great. (Takes a picture.) Great! Just give me a sec to change film.
Monica: Okay.
Ross: (To Monica) Okay, I know I’m not supposed to know, but I do. And I’m so excited for you!
Joey: What? What’s going on?
Ross: Monica’s pregnant!
Joey: Oh my God! Is that why you guys had to get married?!
Monica: Guys! I’m not pregnant.
Joey: Ah. (To Chandler) Slow swimmers? (Chandler looks at him.)
Ross: What?! What do you mean? You-you-you’re not pregnant?
Monica: You didn’t tell anybody I was did you?!
Ross: No! (Pause) I’ll be right back. (Exits.)
Photographer: Now why don’t we get a shot of just Monica and the bloody soldier.
Monica: (To Joey) Oh, about that. Joey, you have to change before the party.
Joey: I can’t! I-I don’t have any other clothes here.
Monica: Find some! Please! Anything that doesn’t say I-I died tragically in France. (Joey leaves to find clothes.)
Photographer: Well then why don’t we see the bride and the groom and the bridemaids.
Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe and Rachel join Monica and Chandler on the altar.) Hey Mon, why did you tell the guys you weren’t pregnant?
Monica: Because I’m not.
Phoebe: We found your test in the trash, if you’re not pregnant—(She sees Rachel shaking her head)—It’s because I am.
(Flash, the photographer takes a picture of Monica and Chandler’s stunned faces.)
Chandler: What?! What are you talking about?
Monica: What are you talking about?
Phoebe: Yes, I…I am with child. (Flash) And I didn’t want to say anything because it’s your day; I didn’t want to steal your thunder.
Monica: Wait a minute! So you told people I was pregnant?! (Flash) Does this look like a conversation that I want to remember?!
Chandler: Who’s the father?
Monica: Yeah!
Phoebe: I can’t say.
Monica: Why?!
Chandler: Why not?
Phoebe: I can’t say because he’s famous.
Rachel: Oh my God, who is it?! (Phoebe rolls her eyes.)
Monica: Phoebe, come on, you have to tell us.
Phoebe: Okay, okay. It’s James Brolin. James Brolin is the father of my baby.
Chandler: As in Barbara Streisand’s husband James Brolin?
Phoebe: What?! Well he never said that to me!
Opening Credits
[Scene: The Wedding Hall, continued from earlier.]
Photographer: Why don’t we have Monica step away and we’ll get Chandler and the bridemaids.
Phoebe: How about just the bridemaids?
Chandler: Y’know I am the groom right? I was told it was kinda big deal.
Phoebe: It is.
Rachel: For you. (Chandler leaves.)
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Rachel: Oh, thank you for doing that. I just can’t deal with this just quite yet.
Phoebe: So instead you told me Monica was pregnant.
Rachel: You said that she was, I just didn’t disagree with you.
Phoebe: Sneaky.
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Photographer: Smile ladies.
Rachel: Oh! (They smile and the picture is taken.) Oh by the way?
Phoebe: Uh-hmm.
Rachel: James Brolin?
Phoebe: Oh, I know. I could only think of two names, him and Ed Begley Jr. and then I remembered he’s gay.
Rachel: Ed Begley Jr. is not gay.
Phoebe: (intrigued) Really?!
[Scene: The Reception Hall, the party is in full swing.]
Bandleader: Thank you very much! Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. Chandler Bing!
(They enter.)
Chandler: Before we go out there I’ve got a present for ya.
Monica: Honey, I’m going to put my hand in your pocket!
Chandler: No?
Monica: No.
Chandler: I’ve been taking dancing lessons.
Monica: What?!
Chandler: Yeah, the last six weeks. I wanted this to be a moment you will never forget.
Monica: Oh that is so sweet!
Chandler: So? Would you care to join me in our first dance as husband and wife?
Monica: Yes.
(They walk onto the dance floor and Chandler slips and almost falls.)
Monica: What’s the matter?
Chandler: I don’t know, it’s these new shoes, they’re all slippery.
Monica: Well, are you going to be able to do this?
Chandler: Not well.
(They start dancing and Chandler starts slipping around.)
Monica: Well, the good news is, I don’t think anyone’s looking at us.
[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel at their table.]
Phoebe: So, are you ready to talk about it?
Rachel: No.
(Pause)
Phoebe: Now?
Rachel: No!
Phoebe: Okay, we’ll talk about something else then.
Rachel: Thank you.
Phoebe: Who’s the father?!
Rachel: Ugh! Look honey y’know what? I haven’t told him yet, so until I do I don’t think I should tell anybody else.
Phoebe: Yeah. That’s fine. That’s fair. Is it Tag?
Rachel: Phoebe!!
Phoebe: Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll stop.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Is it Ross? It’s Ross isn’t it—Oh my God, it’s Joey!
Rachel: Honey, stop it! I am not going to tell you until I tell him.
Phoebe: Ah-hah! At least we know it’s a him.
[Cut to Joey entering wearing a preppy tennis outfit.]
Monica: (seeing him) Oh sweet Lord.
Joey: I’m sorry! Okay? I went down to the gift shop and it’s either this or a bathrobe! Look, what’s more important, the way I’m dressed or me being with you on your special day?
Monica: Honey, I’m not even going to pretend I was listening. (Sees someone else.) Hey! Hey! (Goes over to that person.)
[Cut to the hallway outside the room, Ross is going to see which table he’s at and sees a beautiful woman doing the same thing.]
Ross: Hi. I’m uh, I’m Ross. I don’t, I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Monica’s older brother.
Woman: Oh hi, I’m, I’m Mona from her restaurant.
Ross: Oh! Hello uh, Mona from her restaurant. (He uses his card to mouth those words.) (Pause) Mona, wow what a, what a beautiful name.
Mona: You think so? I’ve always kinda hated it.
Ross: Aw come on, Mona Lisa?
Mona: Uh-huh.
Ross: Mona umm…Clickclocken. The famous botanist? Huh? Oh no she’s uh—well she’s dead now. No, supposedly she was once quite the hottie of the plant world.
Mona: Really?! Well see? I never knew about her.
Ross: Linda Clickclocken. (Pause) So what uh, what-what table are you at? (She shows him.) Oh, uh me too.
Mona: Oh good. Now there’ll be someone there who likes my name.
Ross: (sexily) Yes there will. (Mona leaves and Ross tries to find the same table.) Oh guess what, Molly Gilbert you’ve just been bumped up to table one. And if it’s all right with you I’m gonna take your place at table six—Martin Clickclocken.
[Cut back inside to Joey giving a beautiful woman a tennis lesson by standing behind her.]
Joey: That’s better, now just bend your arms a little more. There you go. Okay, look straight ahead. Now this time I want you to really put your ass into it. (They do a practice swing and she really puts her ass into it.)
[Cut to Chandler sitting down near Joey as his mom walks over. His birth mother, not the mother who recently visited one of those clinics in Sweden.]
Mrs. Bing: Chandler darling! Look, my date has finally arrived. I’d like you to meet Dennis Phillips.
Dennis Phillips: Congratulations.
Chandler: Thank you.
Mrs. Bing: Dennis is a dear old friend and a fantastic lover.
Chandler: Bravo Dennis thanks for pleasing my mother so.
Dennis Phillips: Oh, I’m so sorry I missed the ceremony, I was stuck at auditions.
Mrs. Bing: Oh yes, Dennis is directing a new Broadway show.
Joey: I don’t believe we’ve met, Joey Tribbiani.
Dennis Phillips: Dennis Phillips
Joey: Wow, I’ve admired your work for years. You-you’ve done some really amazing stuff.
Dennis Phillips: Oh, thank you. Well if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go get myself a drink. Be back in a moment. (Walks away.)
Joey: Wow Dennis Phillips! That’s great! How did you guys meet?
Mrs. Bing: Well, it’s a funny story.
Chandler: Funny: ha-ha or funny: (Mimes blowing his brain out.)
[Time lapse. The band is finishing another song.]
Bandleader: Thank you, thank you very much. If everyone will please take your seats, dinner will be served.
(Ross starts looking for table six and finds out that it’s the kid’s table. He sees Mona sitting at another table.)
Ross: Hey! Uh, I thought, I thought you were at table six.
Mona: No, nine. (Shows him the card again.)
Ross: Oh see, before you uh, when you showed it to me you-you held it that way (he turns her hand upside down) which uh, which was misleading. Well I’m… (He goes at sits down at his new table and the kids stare at him.) Hello.
[Cut to the hallway, Chandler is putting tape on the bottom of his shoes.]
Joey: Chandler. Will you see if your mom can give my resume to Dennis Phillips? ‘Cause if I can get in a Broadway show then I would’ve done it all, film, television, and theater. The only think left would be radio, and that’s just for ugly people.
Chandler: What size shoes do you wear?
Joey: Uh, eleven, eleven and a half.
Chandler: Great, because my shoes are giving me a little problem on the dance floor, can I borrow the boots from your costume?
Joey: Uh, I don’t even really know where I left those. Sorry.
Chandler: (looking at Joey’s feet) Those aren’t eleven and a half.
Joey: Okay fine! I’m a seven! All right, I have surprisingly small feet. But the rest of me is good, I’ll show ya!
[Cut to Monica and Rachel at their table.]
Monica: Can you believe Phoebe got pregnant?!
Rachel: Oh y’know what honey? Let’s not talk about that right now?
Monica: This is so huge.
Rachel: Sure, but come on, as big as your wedding?
Monica: Of course not nothing is. Between me and you…
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: …in this day and age how dumb do you have to be to get pregnant?
Rachel: Hey! Y’know, sometimes you can do everything right, everyone can wear everything they’re supposed to wear, and one of those little guys just gets through!
Monica: How?
Rachel: I don’t know! Maybe they have tools.
Monica: Well I-I talked to and uh, she’s definitely going to have this baby. Y’know, she said she was gonna raise it on her own.
Rachel: Well, maybe that’s, maybe that’s really brave.
Monica: Maybe. I just hope she realizes how hard it’s gonna be.
Rachel: Maybe she hasn’t really thought it through that well.
Monica: Well, there’s a lot to think about. I mean, how is she, how is she going to handle this financially? How is she going to juggle work? Does she realize she’s not going to have a date again for the next eighteen years?
Rachel: (starting to cry) I don’t know.
Monica: Are you okay?
Rachel: Uh-hmm. I’m just thinking about Phoebe; poor knocked up Phoebe.
Waiter: Champagne?
Rachel: Oh yes! Thank you very much! (She grabs a glass, takes a sip, and realizes what she just did. She then tries to spit the champagne back into the glass without Monica noticing. It doesn’t work.) Oh that’s-that’s actually how the French drink it.
(Monica gasps.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: continued from earlier, only now Phoebe joins them.]
Phoebe: Well, I just got off the phone with my lover, James Brolin…
Monica: Oh really?!
Phoebe: Yes, and apparently he is married to some singer, but he said he would leave her for me. And I said, "James, James Brolin, are you sure?" James Brolin said…
Monica: (interrupting) Rachel’s really the one who’s pregnant.
Phoebe: (shocked) What?! (deadpan) Why bother?
Monica: How do you feel?
Rachel: I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel. This is all happening so fast. I have to make all these decisions that I don’t want to make. (Takes another sip of champagne and spits it back out) Somebody just take this away from me!!
Phoebe: Calm down. Maybe you’re not pregnant.
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: When I got pregnant with the triplets, I took that test like three times just to make sure.
Monica: Yes! Maybe it’s a false positive. Are you sure you peed on the stick right?
Rachel: How many ways are there to do that?
Phoebe: I’m-I’m just saying, don’t freak out until you’re a hundred percent sure.
Rachel: All right, I’ll-I’ll take it again when I get home.
Monica: You-you gotta take it now. Come on, do it as a present to me.
Rachel: Okay. Thank you.
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: I’ll run out and get you one.
Rachel: Oh, you guys are so great.
Monica: Oh, wait a minute! Who’s is the father?!
Phoebe: Oh no, she won’t tell us.
Monica: Oh, come on it’s my wedding! That can be my present.
Rachel: Wh—Hey, I just gave you peeing on a stick.
Phoebe: See? This is why you register.
[Cut to Ross at the kiddie table. He reaches for something and a fart noise emanates which causes the kids to laugh.]
Ross: It was the chair again! Okay? I’m not doing it! It what—look, I don’t—y’know what—eh-eh… (He walks away and goes over to Mona.) Hi.
Mona: Hi!
Ross: Umm, would you like to dance?
Mona: Sure.
Ross: Yeah?
Mona: Yeah.
Ross: Oh great! (They get up to dance and Ross is interrupted by a little girl.)
Little Girl: Dr. Geller?
Ross: I wasn’t farting! (To Mona) Uh, a little game from our table. (To the little girl) Yes?
Little Girl: Dr. Geller, will you dance with me?
Ross: Oh umm, well uh, maybe-maybe later. Right now, I’m about to dance with this lady.
Little Girl: Okay. (She drops her head in disappointment and walks away.)
Mona: Ohhhh!
Ross: Uh, unless! Unless, uh this lady wouldn’t mind letting you go first.
Mona: I’d be happy to. (To Ross) You are very sweet.
Ross: Yes I-I am. In fact umm hey, why don’t we try it my special way? You can dance on my feet.
Little Girl: Sure!
Ross: Yeah? Hop on. (They start dancing and Mona sits down.) Is the pretty lady looking?
Little Girl: Uh-huh.
Ross: Keep dancing.
[Cut to Chandler in the hallway practicing dancing and is doing it very well.]
Chandler: And the world will never know.
Joey: Hey! Did you talk to Dennis about me yet?
Chandler: Yes, I told him how talented you were. I told him all about Days Of Our Lives.
Joey: No-no! No! No! You don’t tell a Broadway guy that! Now he just thinks I’m a soap actor.
Chandler: But you’re not just a soap actor. You are a soap actor with freakishly tiny feet.
Joey: Hey!
[Joey walks back inside just as Ross’s dance is finishing.]
Little Girl: Thank you.
Ross: No-no, thank you Miranda.
Little Girl: Melinda!
Ross: All right. (Walks over to Mona.)
Mona: How cute was that?
Ross: Oh-oh, were you, were you watching?
(Another little girl walks over to him.)
Second Girl: Can I go next?
Ross: What? Of course you can! Hop on!
Mona: Okay, but I get to hop on after her. (Ross bites the air in response.)
Ross: I am so gonna score.
Second Girl: What?
Ross: I like your bow.
[Behind them, Joey goes up to the bandleader and interrupts the song.]
Joey: (clinks his glass) I’d like to propose a toast. To Monica and Chandler, the greatest couple in the world. And my best friends. Now, my when I first found out they were getting married I was, I was a little angry. I was like, (overly angry) "Why God? Why? How can you take them away from me?!" But then I thought back over all our memories together, some happy memories. (Does a fake laugh.) And-and there was some sad memories. (Starts to break down and cry.) I’m sorry. And-and some scared memories—Whoa! (He jumps back, startled.) Eh? And then, and then I realized I’ll always be their friend, their friend who can speak in many dialects and has training in stage combat and is willing to do partial nudity. (Starts to walk away, but realizes something.) Oh! To the happy couple!
[Time Lapse, the interrupted song is finishing.]
Bandleader: Thank you.
Ross: (to the second girl) That was very nice Ashley.
Ashley: Can we do it again?
Ross: No-no. (Walks over to Mona again.)
Mona: So, is it my turn now?
(A large little fat girl walks over.)
Fat Girl: I’m next!
Ross: Oh! (Recoils in horror.)
Mona: Uh, that’s okay. You can dance with her first.
Ross: Oh, you-you sure? (She nods yes.) Okay. (To the girl) Okay. So what’s uh, what’s your name.
Fat Girl: Gert!
Ross: That’s, that’s pretty. (They start to dance and Gert tries to step on Ross’s feet, but he pulls them out of harm’s way.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing there Gert?
Gert: Dancing on your feet! Like the other girls did it.
Ross: Okay. (Swallows hard.) Hop on Gert. (She does and Ross winces in pain.)
Gert: Why aren’t you moving your feet?
Ross: I’m trying. (He strains to move his feet.)
Gert: Faster! You’re not going fast enough!
Ross: Maybe I should stand on your feet! (Gert’s shocked and Ross realizes what he said and tries to brush it off.)
[Cut to Joey going over to talk to Dennis Phillips.]
Joey: So did you uh, happen to catch my toast up there?
Dennis Phillips: Oh my God, that was for my benefit?
Joey: Well, I’d like to think there was something for everyone. Look, I know you’re casting for this new show…
Dennis Phillips: Look umm Joey, I-I don’t think you’re quite right for this project.
Joey: Oh, see that’s where you’re wrong. Whatever it is I can do it. And if didn’t see it up there, just-just try me.
Dennis Phillips: It’s an all Chinese cast. Can you be Chinese?
Joey: Well I’m not proud of this, but… (He turns around and starts to mess with his eyelids.)
Dennis Phillips: Oh my God! No-no-no! Please! Please! Don’t-don’t-don’t!
[Cut to Monica walking up to Chandler.]
Monica: Hey, are you ready to get back on the dance floor?
Chandler: Did it turn into sand?
Monica: Ohh come on, I love this song! Come on, you’ll be fine. (She starts to walk towards the floor.)
Chandler: (sliding up behind her) No. No, I won’t. Do you know why I took all those lessons? See, for the first time I didn’t want you to be embarrassed to be seen on the dance floor with some clumsy idiot.
Monica: Oh sweetie, you can never embarrass me. (Chandler grunts.) Okay, you can easily embarrass me. But come on, it doesn’t matter. All right? I married you! So I want to dance on my wedding night with my husband. Come on. (They go onto the floor.) Just try not to move your feet at all. (Chandler starts to get into the groove and bust a move.) There you go.
(Mr. Geller dances over.)
Mr. Geller: Chandler, I’m gonna have you arrested.
Chandler: Why?
Mr. Geller: You stole my moves. (He starts to dance like Chandler was and Chandler stops.)
[Scene: The Women’s Restroom, Rachel and Phoebe are waiting for the outcome of Rachel’s second test.]
Rachel: How much longer?
Phoebe: 30 seconds.
Rachel: 30 seconds, okay.
Monica: (entering) Did I miss it? (Phoebe nods no.) Rachel, I-I want you to know that, if it’s positive, we’re gonna…
Rachel: Oh I know. I know. (They hug.)
Phoebe: It’s time.
(Another woman starts to enter.)
The Girls: No!! (The woman backs out.)
Monica: Go ahead Rach.
(She goes over to look.)
Rachel: Oh wait! Y’know what? I can’t, I can’t look at it. I can’t. Somebody else tell me, somebody tell me.
Phoebe: Okay.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Umm, it’s negative.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: It’s negative.
Rachel: Oh. Oh. Well there you go. Whew! (Pause) That is—that’s great—that is really great-great news. (Pause) Y’know ‘cause the whole not being ready and kinda the financial aspects, all that. Whew. Wow, this is so just the way it was supposed to be. (Starts to cry.) God.
Monica: Well… Well, great.
Phoebe: Here. (Gives Rachel a tissue.)
Rachel: Thanks. (Crying) God this is so stupid! (Pause) How could I be upset over something I never had? It’s negative?
Phoebe: No, it’s positive.
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: It’s-it’s not negative, it’s positive.
Rachel: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well yeah, I lied before.
Rachel: Oh!
Monica: Oh God…
Phoebe: Now you know how you really feel about it.
Rachel: Oh-oh, that’s a risky little game!
Monica: Are you really gonna do this?
Rachel: Yeah. I’m gonna have a baby. I’m gonna have a baby. I’m gonna have a baby! (They all hug.)
Phoebe: With who?
Rachel: Ah, it’s still not the time.
Dedicated to the People of New York City
Closing Credits
[Scene: The Reception, Joey is helping Ross walk after Gert got through with him and Mona is looking on concerned.]
Ross: I just didn’t see the fast song coming.
Joey: Shh. Shh. Don’t try to talk, we’ll get you up to your room, we’ll soak your feet, you’ll be okay.
Ross: Oh, thank you.
Mona: That is so sweet!
Joey: Yeah.
Mona: No, I mean it. There are so few genuinely nice guys out there.
Joey: Tell me about it, I feel like I’m holding down the fort all by myself.
Mona: It’s Joey right?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: Wait a minute! No! I’m the nice one! I’m the one who danced with the kids all night! How…How small are your feet?! (They all look down.)
End
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