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老友记第八季802 The One With The Red Sweater

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好的。好的!给我一秒钟。好吧。好,我知道我不应知道。但我知道了,我真为你高兴。什么……发生什么了吗?莫妮卡怀孕了!噢,上帝!那就是你们结婚的原因吗?喂,我可没怀孕。哈。动作真慢?什么?!你说什么?你没有怀孕?你没告诉其他人,是不是?没有。我、我回去了。现在,我们为什么不给莫妮卡和受伤的战士单独照一张呢?噢,关于那。乔伊,你必须在晚会前先把这身衣服换了。我不能。我、我没其它衣服。找一找!什么都行,你这样~还不如说我惨死在法国了。很好,然后,怎么看不见伴娘。哦,好的。嗨!莫妮卡?你为什么不告诉他们你怀孕了呢?我没有。我们在你家发现了验孕棒。如果不是你怀孕。那、那么因为我是。-你说什么?-你在说什么?是的,是我。我有孩子了。我不想说什么,今天你是主角。我不想抢你的光彩。等一下。因此你告诉别人我怀孕了?这样做是想我记住这句话吗?-父亲是谁?-没错!我不能说。-为什么?-为什么不能?我不能说因为他很有名。噢,上帝!他是谁?菲比,过来!你必须告诉我们。好,好吧。他是詹姆士·布罗林。詹姆士·布罗林是我孩子的父亲。是芭芭拉·史翠珊的丈夫,詹姆士·布罗林?什么?!他居然从没跟我说过。哦,莫妮卡,为什么你不暂时离开一下我们会拍钱德和伴娘。好吧。怎么只是伴娘?你知道我是新郎,对吗?别人对我说,这可是件大事。是的。噢,我的上帝。谢谢你那样做。我刚刚都不知道怎么办好。因此你告诉我莫妮卡怀孕了?是你说她是。我只是没有反驳你。哼!狡辩噢,随便。微笑,女士们!噢,顺便问一句。唔。詹姆士·布罗林?我知道。我当时只想到两个名字。他和柏格利。我记得他是同性恋,所以他不是同性恋。是吗?非常感谢。女士们和绅士们,我很荣幸得向各位介绍钱德勒·宾先生和太太!在我们在那之前,我为你准备了一分礼物。亲爱的,我不是有意把我的手放在你的衣袋里。我一直在上跳舞的课。什么?是的,在最后的六个星期。我想我们将永远不会忘记这段时刻。噢,那是如此甜蜜。所以,你想跟我跳这第一支舞吗?作为丈夫和妻子来跳当然。怎麽了?我不知道。是这些新鞋子。它们太滑了。你确定可以这样做吗?不是很好。嗯,好消息是别人没都在盯着我们。因此,准备好了说它了吗?不现在?不!好,我们会说些其它的。父亲是谁?看,亲爱的,你知道什么?我还没告诉他,如此直到我做,我不认为我应该告诉另外任何人。是。那好的。那是公平的。是泰葛?噢。菲比!对,我很抱歉。我停止。好。他是罗斯吗?他是罗斯,不是吗?噢,我的上帝!是乔伊!请停止!我不会告诉你直到我告诉他。啊哈!至少我们知道它是——他。噢,甜蜜的主。我很抱歉,好吗?我去了礼品店,在那不是这件就是浴衣。什么更重要?我的穿着,或在你特别的日子与你在一起?亲爱的,我不是假装我正在听。嗨,喂!嗨?我是罗斯。我不相信我们遇见了。我是莫妮卡的哥哥。噢,嗨。我是莫娜,从她的餐馆。你好,从她的餐厅来的莫娜。莫娜。哇,多么美丽的名字。你这样想吗?我总是有些不喜欢它。快点!莫娜·利萨?莫娜。Uhm。克雷克洛金。著名的植物学家?噢,不是。她是个……嗯,她已经死了但是……大概她曾经是植物界的名人。真的吗?嗯嗯!好吧,我从来不知道她。琳达·克雷克洛金。如此,什么...你是在几号桌子?哦...我也是!好的。现在那里有谁会喜欢我的名字。是的,会有的。噢,猜什么,莫莉·吉伯?你刚刚被换到第一桌了如果你不介意,我想坐到你原来第六桌的位置。马丁·克雷克洛金那样更好一些.现在,胳膊再弯过去一点.嗯,过去吧.好的,向前看这一次,我希望你认真得对待。是的。钱德,亲爱的,瞧!这一天终于来了我向你介绍丹尼斯·菲利普恭喜.谢谢.丹尼斯是我亲爱的老朋友,也是个美妙的情人.嗬!丹尼斯。谢谢你让我妈妈开心真遗憾我错过仪式了.我给试演绊住了.噢,是呀。丹尼斯正在导演一处百老汇新剧。真难以置信.我们见过!乔伊·崔别宁丹尼斯·菲利普.噢!我喜欢您的作品很多年了。您的那些作品真令人惊奇。噢,谢谢.嗯,如果你不介意,我得去拿点喝的了一会就回来.喔噢,丹尼斯·菲利普这很好。你们怎么认识的?呃,你知道吗,这是个有趣的故事。是有趣的哈哈,还是滑稽的噗噗嗯唷?嘿……谢谢。非常感谢。现在,如果大家愿意就座,那么晚餐马上开始。嗨.我认为你该坐在第六桌.啊,9!噢!看……先前你可是那样拿给我看的。那样……那样误导了.嗯.哈罗?钱德.你看你妈妈能帮我递简历吗?给丹尼斯·菲利普如果我能进百老汇表演,我早就可以干其他活了。电影,电视,戏剧。只剩下广播。那可是给长相丑陋的人准备的.你穿多大的鞋?唔……11号,11号半太好了。我的鞋子有点小问题,在舞会地板上你能不能把鞋子借给我?不好意思,我忘了把它们搁哪了这可不是11号半.哦,好的。我穿7号鞋。我的脚小得让人惊讶.除此以外都很不错,你会看到你能相信吗?菲比怀孕了!噢……亲爱的。这会我们别谈这个这可是条大消息啊.当然。但是,得了,跟你的婚礼比它一样重要吗?当然不是。没有更重要的了。哇,在你我之间.是呀,在这一天和这个年纪在怀孕这事上,你可真是迟钝嘿,你知道吗?有时候你能做好每件事每个人都能表现出他们所该表现的并且,其中的一个家伙已经做到了怎样做到的?不知道.也许他们有工具帮忙。嗯,我跟她谈过了。可以肯定她想要这个孩子你知道,她说她要自己养大这孩子嗯,也许是这样的也许。那可真是有勇气。或许……我只是希望她能意识到这很困难可能她还没想清楚有很多事需要考虑的我指的是,她怎样,唔……她怎样在经济上处理这事?她要怎么才能同时工作?她想过她不会再有约会了,在以后的,嗯,比如说18年?我不知道.你怎么了?嗯.我只是在想菲比的事.可怜的菲比,累坏了.香槟?噢,是的。谢谢其实,法国人就是那样喝的.唔.才接完电话,詹姆斯·布罗林打来的,他是我男友。噢,是吗?嗯。显然他跟一位歌手结的婚但他说,为了我,他会离开她的,然后,我问:“詹姆斯,詹姆斯·布罗林,你肯定吗?詹姆斯·布罗林说那个怀孕的人真是雷切尔吗?什么?!为什么烦恼?你觉得怎样?我不知道。不知道自己怎么想的这一切来得太快了.我不想下决定,但却必须下.要是有人把这些都带走该有多好!冷静点,也许你压根没怀孕呢?啊?什么?我怀孕的时候,为了确定,我做了三次测试嗯,也许那检测显示阳性是假的你肯定滴尿液试,方向没弄错吗?做那个测试有几种方法?我是说,直到完全肯定,否则别相信错觉.好的,等我回到家,我会再测一次你现在就应该做了.快点,测吧。就当是给我的礼物。好的,谢谢你嗯.我出去给你拿一个.你真好.噢,等等!谁是孩子的父亲?噢,不,她不会告诉我们的.快点啦,这是我的婚礼啊!那也许会成为我的礼物.嗨,我刚才把你的尿液滴在一端了嗯,这就是你记录的原因.又是chair,是吗?我没在干!它是,呃,看啊!我不……你知道是什么吗?嗨?嗨.想跳舞吗?当然。好极了.盖勒博士?我认真的!一个小游戏嗯?盖勒博士,愿意跟我一起跳舞吗?也许等会。现在我要跟这位女士跳了.好的。直到.知道这位女士不介意让你离开.我很高兴这样.你真好.嗯,我是的.事实上,嗨!我们干嘛不试试我那个特别的方法你能在我的脚上跳舞当然!嗯?向上跳.那个漂亮的小姐在看着吗?嗯.我们继续跳.谁都不会知道。你跟丹尼斯谈过我了吗?是的。我告诉你很有才能.我告诉他一切,关于”我们生命中的日子“不,不,不!你不该跟百老汇的人说这个现在他一定在想,我只是个肥皂剧演员了.但你并不只是个肥皂剧演员呀.你是,一个有着古怪小脚的肥皂剧演员.嘿!谢谢你.不,谢谢你,梅林达.梅林达!好吧.多可爱呀?噢,你在看吗?我能跳下一支吗?当然。跳起来吧!好的。但是我在她之后才能跳Iamsogonnascore.什么?我喜欢你点头的样子.让我们干杯.为了莫妮卡和钱德.这世界上最棒的一对儿.还有我最好的朋友们.嗯,在我第一次发现他们要结婚时我我有点不高兴,象上帝,为什么?为什么?你怎么能把他们从我身边带走。后来,换个角度想,我还有所有的回忆美好的回忆.是的,也有一些悲伤的.很抱歉.还有一些令人惊慌的.然后,接着,我意识到我永远是他们的朋友.这个朋友用任何声音说话.并且,有舞台战斗的训练,也愿意部分裸体噢!为了这幸福的一对儿谢谢.那很好,艾什利.我们可以再做一次吗?噢,不。所以.轮到我了吗?我是下一个.好的.你可以先和她跳舞.噢,真的吗?嗯.好的,那,你叫什么名字?葛丝.很好听.你在干吗,葛丝?在你脚上跳舞,象其他女孩那样唔.跳起来,葛丝!你为什么不动动你的脚?我正在努力.快点!你不够快!也许我就站在你脚上算了!所以,你?碰巧听到我的祝酒词了?噢,天哪!这是为了我好?嗯。我乐意这么想,每个人都有一些小玩意.我听说那场演出,由你派角色.听着,乔伊。我认为你并不适合那个节目。瞧,这正是你的错误所在.不管那是什么,我都能做.请让我试试,如果你还没决定。那是个完全中国式的角色.你能像个中国人吗?唔,我不是骄傲,但是噢,我的上帝。别,别嗨准备好回到舞池吗?地板变成沙地了吗?来吧!我爱这首歌.来吧,你会感觉很好的.噢,不。你知道我为什么学这些东西吗?这是第一次,我不想你变得被人看见在局促不安地跳舞,和一个笨拙的傻瓜.噢,甜心,你怎么会让我不安呢.嗯,你很容易让我感到尴尬.但是,来吧?这没关系!我已经娶了你.所以我要跟我的丈夫跳舞,在我的婚礼上别怕,加油试着移动你的脚步。很好。钱德,我会害你被捕的。怎么了?你偷走了我的步子.多久了?30秒.30秒,好吧。我少了吗?雷切尔我想你知道这个如果那是阳性的,我们就得我知道,我知道-你知道.-嗯.到时间了。没有!继续,雷切尔。噢!等一下……你知道我不能看,不能看我没法看那个,谁告诉我结果吧。好吧。好的是阴性的。什么?是阴性的。噢噢你没事了哟这,这太好了,这真是太好了。真是一个好消息。你知道的,因为整个……还没准备好。而且财务方面还有其他喔,这真是理想的结果嗯,太好了嗯!谢谢。噢,上帝,这真是太蠢了。我怎么能对没有的事而感到沮丧。这是阴性?不,这是阳性。什么?这不是阴性,而是阳性你确定吗?是的。我原来撒谎了。上帝啊!现在你知道你对这件事的看法了这可是个有风险的游戏。你非得这么做吗?没错!我会生下这个孩子。我将有个孩子。我将有个孩子。跟谁的?噢,现在还不能说。那首快曲还每到。别说话。我们会把你带到房间,泡泡你的脚-没事的.-谢谢你.那真好.是的我是说,真诚的好人太少了接着说我感觉好像我自己一个人守着一座堡垒是乔伊,是吗?是的。等会儿噢,我可真是个好人。整个晚上我都在跟孩子们跳舞。你的脚有多小?
802 The One With The Red Sweater
Scene: The Hotel Lobby, Rachel and Phoebe are at the front desk checking out.]
Rachel: Listen y’know what sir? For the last time, I don’t care what the computer says, we did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Oh! Joey uh, were you in our room last night?
Joey: No. (Phoebe grabs the receipt and shows it to Joey who gets mad.) I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill!
(Chandler and Monica enter.)
Chandler: (to the front desk clerk) Hi! We’re checking out of the bridal suite.
Monica: (depressed) That’s right. I’m no longer a bride. I’ll never be a bride again. Now, I’m just someone’s wife!
Chandler: And I’m the happiest guy in the world! (Monica goes and sits down in a huff.) Oh honey, come on don’t be upset. We still have so much to look forward to!
Monica: Oh yeah, right. (Rolls her eyes.)
Chandler: We got the honeymoon.
Monica: That’s not ‘til Thursday.
Chandler: The wedding pictures?
Monica: They won’t be ready for weeks.
Chandler: Not the disposable cameras from the tables.
Monica: That’s true! (Happily) I knew I married you for a reason!
Chandler: I’ll tell you what, I will go get them developed and you can go home.
Monica: Okay.
(Joey giggles.)
Chandler: What? What did you take a picture of?
Joey: Nothing! It was something.
Chandler: Okay Ross has the cameras, has he checked out yet?
Rachel: Are you joking? Check out is not ‘til noon and he has a good (checks her watch) eleven minutes left.
Chandler: Oh.
Monica: Ross has never checked out of a room a minute before he had to.
Rachel: Yeah, one time, when we were dating, uh we got a late checkout, he got so excited it was the best sex we ever had. Until y’know, he screamed out Radisson at the end.
Chandler: Okay, well I’m gonna get Ross, get the cameras, and get them developed. (Joey laughs again.) 32 Joe. You’re 32! (Exits)
Front Desk Clerk: (To Monica) Here’s a copy of your bill.
Monica: Oh thanks. (Reading the bill) Champagne, strawberries…Oh my God! I can’t believe Chandler ordered porn on our wedding night!
Joey: Yeah, that’s sad. Mashuga nut?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Ross’s Hotel Room, he is letting Chandler in.]
Ross: Hi.
Chandler: Hey. (He sees that Ross is packing all of the hotel toiletries) Soaps? Shampoos? Are you really taking all this stuff?
Ross: Why not? It’s built into the price of the room.
Chandler: Yeah but you don’t need—(Picks up something)—What is this?
Ross: Thread!
Chandler: Score! Where are the disposable cameras?
Ross: What disposable cameras?
Chandler: The cameras? Remember last night I told you to take them?
Ross: No you didn’t.
Chandler: Yes! Remember? Right before we cut the cake, I went up to you and I said…
Ross: Oh-oh yeah, you-you came up to me and asked if I could do you a favor, and my Uncle Murray came up to you and handed you a check. And then you said, "Why do they call it a check? Why not a Yugoslavian?" (Chandler laughs.) Yeah, then you did that.
Chandler: So you don’t have the cameras?!
Ross: No. Sorry man.
Chandler: So? What? What? They’re gone! Monica’s gonna freak!
Ross: Well, I’m sure they’re still somewhere here in the hotel. I’ll-I’ll help you look for them.
Chandler: Great.
Ross: In-in three minutes.
(Chandler goes into the bathroom, closes the door, and then opens it again right away. Ross looks up and hands him the toilet paper Ross already packed.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is entering to see Monica sitting in front of a mound of wedding gifts.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Are you gonna open the presents without Chandler?
Monica: No! (Pause) But, they’re callin’ out to me! I mean this little guy (Holds up a small one) even crawled up into my lap. Oh come on, Chandler wouldn’t mind if I opened just one present! What do you think it is?
Phoebe: A little mirror that when you look into it you see yourself as an old woman.
(Monica opens it anyways.)
Monica: A tiny salt shaker!!!
Phoebe: Ohhh! My God! For tiny salt!
Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Well that was fun.
Phoebe: Oh yeah.
Monica: Good. Okay, I’m just gonna wait for Chandler to open the rest of them.
Phoebe: Okay.
Monica: Whew. Although y’know, this is part of a salt and pepper set. I mean… I guess y’know it may just count as a half a present. What do you think?
Phoebe: Well I guess it’s okay to open one more if it’s part of a set. Y’know, it’s probably this one. (Grabs another small one.)
Monica: Or this one! (She grabs and starts to open the biggest present.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi.
Monica: Hey, how are you feelin’? Any morning sickness?
Rachel: Shh-shh-shh! The guys don’t know yet do they?
Monica: No! Joey and Ross don’t know anything and Chandler still thinks that Phoebe’s pregnant.
Phoebe: Yeah that’s right Chandler does still think I’m pregnant. He hasn’t asked me how I’m feeling or offered to carry my bags. Boy, I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him. (Monica looks at her.) After you of course.
Rachel: Don’t worry I promise that you will only have to be pregnant for a few more hours, ‘cause I’m going to tell the father today.
Phoebe: Ooh, is it someone in this building? Is it that tall guy from the first floor?
Rachel: Ew! No!
Phoebe: What?! I think he’s cute.
Rachel: Well then you have his baby.
Phoebe: Believe me I’m trying.
Monica: Wow. Y’know it is so weird. I mean, you’re gonna tell this guy today and he has no idea what’s gonna happen.
Phoebe: Yeah. You’re just gonna knock on his door and change his life forever. You’re like Ed McMahon except without the big check, or the raw sexual magnetism.
Rachel: Yeah. Uh-huh, I guess it is pretty big news.
Phoebe: Pretty big? It’s huge! God, this guy doesn’t have a clue! He’s just walking down the street thinking, ‘I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock!’ then bam! He’s a father and everything’s different.
Rachel: Well it’s only different if he wants it to be. I mean, I’m not gonna ask him for anything.
Phoebe: Okay. Then he still has this huge decision to make. Now he’s walking around thinking, ‘Do I want to be a dad?’ and then bam!
Monica: What was that bam?
Phoebe: I don’t. He got…he-he-he-he’s hit by a bus.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant?
Joey: (warily) Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have an accent? I gotta make a call! (Starts to leave) I shoulda never walked into that Sunglass Hut!
Rachel: Oh Joey! Joey! No, it’s not you! You didn’t get anybody pregnant!
Joey: Oh. Why would you scare me like that? What the hell is going on? (Pause.) Is somebody pregnant?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. That’s me.
Joey: Oh my God Pheebs! You’re gonna have a baby?
Phoebe: Yes. Yes I am. Oh my God, I’m gonna have a baby! (Joey and Phoebe hug.)
Joey: Whoa, wait a minute. Who’s the father?
Phoebe: You don’t know him. It’s not important. He wants nothing to do with me or the baby. (She sits down like she’s pregnant.)
Joey: Well who is this guy?! Huh? Who is he? ‘Cause I will track him down and kick his ass!
Phoebe: David Lynn.
Joey: David Lynn! David Lynn! David Lynn!! (Exits)
Monica: Who’s David Lynn?
Phoebe: Oh some guy from my gym. A little annoying.
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Chandler is under one of the tables as Ross enters.]
Ross: Chandler?
Chandler: Hey! Did you find the cameras?
Ross: No. Did you?
Chandler: Yes! And that’s why I’m under the table. Celebrating.
Ross: Well I checked in the uh, lost and found, I talked to the manager, no-one’s turned them.
Chandler: Well this is great. Y’know, those cameras were the only thing that was gonna cheer Monica up today, she’s really depressed.
Ross: Now you guys just got married, why is she so depressed?
Chandler: All my energy is going into not asking that question. I can’t believe I screwed this up!
Ross: I’m sorry man. (Formally dressed people start to enter.) Here’s a thought. This is the same ballroom. There’s a band. There’s gonna be plenty of dressed up people.
Chandler: Are you suggesting we dance our troubles away?
Ross: No-no-no, I’m saying we-we buy more of this (disposable cameras) at the gift shop, throw our tuxes back on, and take a few pictures. All we have to do is make sure not to get anybody else’s faces.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Ross: I’m just thinking about your new bride at home. Okay? Do-do you really want to start your life together by letting her down?
Chandler: Marriage advice? Really?!
Ross: I’m telling you, this looks exactly like your wedding! Aren’t these the same flowers?
Chandler: I don’t know, Monica picked out the flowers.
Ross: What about the chairs?
Chandler: She picked those out too.
Ross: How about the place settings?
Chandler: That was her.
Ross: What did you do?
Chandler: I was in charge of the cameras! Gift shop?
Ross: Hmm. (They head off to the gift shop.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting on the couch as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, did you do it yet?
Rachel: Not yet.
Phoebe: Oh, well what are you doing here? Are you about to do it? (Gasps) Is it Gunther?
Rachel: No! Phoebe, it’s not Gunther.
Phoebe: Thank God, ‘cause that hair on a baby…
Rachel: Phoebe the father is not here okay? I haven’t told him yet and I don’t think I can tell him at all now!
Phoebe: Why not?
Rachel: I don’t know, let me think. I was walking down the street thinking, ‘I’m gonna tell the father today’ and then bam!
Phoebe: Bus?
Rachel: No, you! Phoebe you freaked me out. You kept saying how huge this all is!
Phoebe: Well-well but it is huge.
Rachel: I know, but I was just thinking about how huge this is for me. I didn’t even go to how huge this was going to be for the father.
Phoebe: You’re thinking about this way too much. Just tell him and get it over with. It’s like, it’s like ripping off this Band-Aid. (On her arm) Quick and painless, watch. (Rips it off.) Oh mother of…See?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has now opened more of the wedding gifts.]
Joey: (entering) Ooh-ooh-ooh! Are we opening presents?
Monica: No! No! I shouldn’t have even opened these! I mean I—Joey I am out of control!! Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present! Okay?
Joey: Okay.
Monica: Give me one more.
Joey: Okay. (Hands her one.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
Joey: Oh good, uh you’re here. Uh Pheebs? Listen uh sit down. I-I got something I want to say.
Phoebe: All right. (She sits down like she’s pregnant again.)
Joey: Umm, now uh… It’s a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. Y’know, now I always thought you and I had a special bond so… (He goes to one knee and pulls out a ring.) Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
Monica: Oh my God! Joey!
Phoebe: Hell yeah! I’ll marry you! (She grabs the ring and puts it on.)
Monica: You can’t marry him!
Phoebe: Hey lady, your day’s over! It’s my turn!
Monica: Phoebe!
Joey: Why?! Why can’t she marry me?!
Phoebe: I can and I will! (Kisses him.)
Monica: She’s not pregnant. It’s Rachel. Rachel’s the one who’s pregnant.
Joey: Oh my God.
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Phoebe I think he would notice if you didn’t have a baby in nine months!
Phoebe: It’s Joey! (Joey turns and looks at her and she mouths ‘I love you’ to him.)
Joey: (smiles then stops) Now I can’t believe it! What? Rachel’s pregnant? (The girls nod yes.) Who’s the father?
Phoebe: We don’t know.
Joey: Ohh… I wonder if that dude.
Monica: There’s a dude?
Joey: Yeah.
Phoebe: Who? Who is it?
Joey: About a month ago this guy spent the night with Rachel, I didn’t see who it was but… (He walks out and closes the door.)
Phoebe: Was that story over?
(They follow him and meet him in the hall coming out of his apartment carrying a sweater.)
Joey: The guy left this.
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God! I know who the father is… (She walks into Monica and Chandler’s.)
Monica: People have got to finish their stories!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross and Chandler are in their tuxes and have started to fake the pictures.]
Chandler: (to another couple) Uh, excuse me? Could you take a picture of us?
Woman At The Wedding: Oh! Of course. (Ross and Chandler pose and she takes the picture.)
Man At The Wedding: Uh, would you take one of us?
Chandler: Uhh… Yeah sure. (Holds the camera up to his face.) Click!
Woman At The Wedding: It didn’t click.
Ross: I heard it. I heard it.
Man At The Wedding: But there was no flash.
Woman At The Wedding: Why won’t you take our picture?
Chandler: Oh yeah. I’ll take, I’ll take your picture. (He takes the picture with his finger over the lens.)
Man At The Wedding: Uh, your finger was covering the lens.
Chandler: Who are you? Ansel Adams?! Get outta here!
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are about to go inside.]
Phoebe: Look, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called the father and asked him to meet you here so you can tell him. Go!
Rachel: What? Hey wait a minute! Phoebe, how do you even know who the father is?
Phoebe: I may play the fool at times, but I’m a little more than a pretty blond girl with an ass that won’t quit. (She takes the sweater out of her purse.) I believe this belongs to the father of your baby.
Rachel: Oh God… Oh, he’s in there right now?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Now you can turn around or you can go in there and rip the Band-Aid off. What to you want to do?
Rachel: Uh, let’s rip!
Phoebe: Really? Are you sure?
Rachel: Oh Phoebe!
Phoebe: Okay, sorry. Yeah. (They go inside to confront the father.)
Tag: Hey Rach.
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross is taking a picture of a plant, Chandler a fork. The band stops.]
Chandler: Why don’t you go up on stage. I’ll get a picture of you doing the speech.
Ross: Okay. Okay!
(He goes up on stage, mimes like he's giving the speech, and Chandler takes his picture. However, before he gets down everyone starts clinking their glasses for a real speech.)
Ross: Will the owner of a 1995 Buick LeSabre please see the front desk? Your car is about to be towed.
Anxious Wedding Guest: (rushing up) That’s my car!
Ross: A ’95 LeSabre?!
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes!
Ross: A green LeSabre?
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes!
Ross: I’m sorry, I meant a blue LeSabre.
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes! Green-blue!
Ross: Well go! Go move it! (He runs off.)
Chandler: Okay, you ready for the last picture?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Get ready to run. (Chandler walks over to the new bride.) Congratulations on your wedding. (He grabs her, kisses her, Ross takes the picture, and they both run out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Tag: So, what’s this about?
Phoebe: Rachel has something that she wants to tell you and umm, I believe that this is your red sweater.
Tag: No. (Unzips his coat.) This is my red sweater.
Phoebe: Oh no. Could I get anyone a coffee or…poison? No? Just for me? Okay. (Walks away.)
Tag: What’s going on Rach?
Rachel: Nothing! Phoebe kinda made a mistake. But y’know you do wear that sweater a lot, are you involved in some kind of dare?
Tag: Y’know, I’m actually glad Phoebe called. (He pulls out a stool and Rachel sits down.) I know we broke up because you thought I wasn’t mature enough, but I’ve really grown up and think we should get back together.
Rachel: Oh, it’s just not the right time.
Tag: It is the right time. (Takes her hand.)
Rachel: Okay.
Tag: I’m ready for more.
Rachel: Tag…
Tag: Come on Rach, let’s give it another try.
Rachel: I’m having a baby.
Tag: Oh. (He drops her hand.)
(Pause)
Rachel: You can go.
Tag: Thank you. (Gets up and hurries out.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has finished opening all the presents. She’s ashamed of this, at least, because as someone enters…]
Monica: (throwing up the last present) I don’t know how any of these got opened?!
Joey: (entering) You opened them all?
Monica: I know! I know! I am a terrible person! I mean, Chandler is never going to trust me with anything ever again!
Joey: Oh hey! You got my parent’s gift! (Holds it up.)
Monica: Yeah. What is that?
Joey: Well, I don’t know. I think it does something to salami.
(Phoebe and Rachel enter.)
Monica: Hey! How’d it go?
Joey: Yeah. What-what did Tag say?
Rachel: Tag is not the father! And Joey knows now?
Joey: I do Rach. I do, and I so happy for you. (They hug.)
Rachel: Oh wow, you didn’t even try to unhook my bra!
Monica: So are you ever gonna tell whoever it is?
Rachel: No, I will. I’m just not up for it tonight.
Joey: Hey Rach listen, no matter what this guy says I want you to know you’re not gonna be alone in this.
Rachel: I’m not?
Joey: Listen I uh… (He takes her hand.) It’s a scary world out there especially if you’re a single mom. Y’know, I always felt like you and I have this-this special bond. Y’know? So, (gets down on one knee again) Rachel Green will you marry me?
Rachel: What?
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: What?!!
Joey: Pheebs, give me the ring back!
Phoebe: No!!
Rachel: No! Joey, oh you’re so sweet. You’re so-so sweet, honey. But I’m not, I’m not looking for a husband.
Joey: (heartbroken) I understand.
Rachel: Now, if you will excuse me I am going to go and lie down. (Exits.)
Phoebe: I can’t say that didn’t hurt. But I’ll take you back Joey Tribbiani.
Joey: Uh yeah. Pheebs, listen about that. I only offered…
Phoebe: Ooh! A Salami Buddy!
Joey: There you go!
(Chandler and Ross enter with the new pictures.)
Chandler: We’re back!
Monica: Great! We’re hangin’ in the kitchen! (She drags him into the kitchen and turns his back to the living room) Let’s stay in the kitchen!
Chandler: It’s picture time.
Ross: Now you are going to love these.
Chandler: (showing her the pictures) Here’s a picture of Ross. (Shows another one.) And that’s me. (Another one.) And that’s me and Ross. (Another one.) Oh-ho, that is a picture of our first kiss as a married couple.
Monica: Wow! That is a great picture!
Chandler: Eh?
Monica: Yeah! Oh and interesting because I found the cameras in one of our bags! (Throws them into his chest.)
Ross: Huh, didn’t see that coming.
Chandler: Okay, so this isn’t a picture of our first, but it is a picture of my first kiss with…with this lady. Which by the look on your face I’m sure you’ll remember. So we don’t need—(Rips the picture)—There’s no need to have this picture. How about I take the real pictures and get them developed right now.
Monica: That would be a good idea.
Chandler: Okay. (Sees the living room.) You opened all the presents without me?! I thought we were supposed to do that together!
Monica: You kissed another woman!
Chandler: Call it even?!
Monica: Okay! (They high-five and he walks out.)
Ross: Well, I’m gonna go get these (the floral bouquet he walked in with) in some water.
Phoebe: Wait you stole those from these people’s wedding?
Ross: No-no, I took them from the hotel lobby. Yeah, they think they can charge me for some dirty movie and a bag of Mashuga nuts, they got another think coming. (Starts to leave.) Hey! My sweater! I’ve been looking for this for like a month!
(He exits leaving a stunned Phoebe and Monica.)
Monica and Phoebe: Oh my God!!
Joey: (slow on the uptake) Oh my God!
Closing Credits
[Scene: A Street, Ross walks past Tag wearing the same red sweater.]
Ross: Hey! How you doing?
Tag: Good! Good, long time no see.
Ross: Yeah.
Tag: Like your sweater.
Ross: Oh hey, right back at ya.
Tag: Oh, it’s crazy about Rachel huh?
Ross: Yeah. She—Well, she’s one crazy lady?
Tag: So whose is it?
Ross: (shows Tag his sweater tag) Umm, I don’t some Italian guy. Come on, read your own label. See you later.
Tag: Okay.
(They separate.)
Ross: He is so weird.
End
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