听着，先生最后一遍告诉你，我不在乎电脑记录。我们没从迷你酒吧拿吃的我们也没看色情电影嗨噢乔依，昨晚上你在我们房间吗没有。不是说电影名字不会出现在收费单上吗？你好.我们刚住完婚礼套房.是的.我不再是个新娘了.永无机会再当新娘.现在，我只是某人的妻子了.而我则是世界上最幸福的男人。噢，亲爱的，别这样.别难过.我们还有许多事值得期待噢，是呀.我们会度蜜月。噢，那要到礼拜四呢.婚礼照片.要好几周才弄得好.一次性相机，可不用等那么久对！我就知道没白嫁给你我等会拿去冲印，你先回家。好的什么？你拍的是什么？空白的。本该有内容，不是吗？啊？呃，罗斯拿着照相机他结帐走人了吗？你开玩笑吧?不，我没有.中午才是结帐时间，他还有11分钟所以?所以，罗斯不到万不得已、从不提前结帐嗯。有次我们约会就结帐晚了。他太兴奋了。那是我们做爱最美妙的一次。最后他尖叫"Radisson" （酒店名）唔，好吧。我去找罗斯把他照相机里的胶卷拿去冲印。32，乔依你是32房的这是你的帐单.噢，谢谢香槟，草莓.噢，上帝!真难以置信，钱德点了色情电视，在我们的婚礼当晚！真悲哀还点了Meshuga nut?- 嗨- 嗨肥皂，香波?你全都带走？为什么不呢?房间价格包含这些东西是，但你并不需要它们呀...这是什么?线.答对了一次性相机哪去了?一次性相机?相机，记得吗，昨晚我让你把它带好.不，你没说.不，我说了，想起来了吗?就在我们切蛋糕前，我走到你那，对你说的……噢，是啊.你走近我，问我能否帮个忙接着我叔叔默里走到你跟前，把帐单递给了你接着你说：“他们干嘛称这是帐单，而不叫‘南斯拉夫’?"嗯，然后你就偷笑那么，你是没拿相机咯?没有，抱歉，伙计那怎么办呢？照片没了?莫妮卡要发狂了嗯，我肯定相机还在饭店里我来帮你找。太好了嗯，再等三分钟.嗨.嗨.钱德都不在，你就想拆开礼物吗?不这只是，呃，你知道的，这……嗯，他们在叫我拆呢.我说，这小家伙爬到我腿上呢.噢，我只打开这个礼物，钱德是不会生气的。你说，这会是什么呢?一块小镜子，这样的话，你照镜子时会发现自己是个老女人是个小盐瓶!噢！上帝啊，装那些小小的盐粒.噢，好啊.嗯，这很有意思.嗯，是的。那很有意思。嗯，我就等钱德回来，一起打开其余的礼物了好的。吆!虽然，这是一部分装盐、胡椒粉我猜，那个礼物可能还有另一半。你怎么认为?嗯，我想如果是一套的话，我们可以再拆开一个看看。我看，很有可能是这一个。或者这个嗨嗨，你感觉怎么样？你早晨吐了吗?嘘! 他们还不知道呢，是吧？是的。乔依和罗斯什么都不知道。钱德还以为怀孕的是菲比- 噢.-是啊。钱德的确以为是我怀孕了.但他不问我的感受，也不帮我提包噢，我真为将和他终老的女人难过当然，是在你之后别担心，这黑锅你再背几小时就够了因为，今天我要去跟孩子的爸爸摊牌噢，那人在这栋房子里吗?是一楼那个高个儿男人吗噢——不是！哦？我认为他很可爱。嗬，那么你去怀他的孩子。相信我，我正在努力。你看，这真古怪我是说，你今天就要去告诉那个男人了，而他却一点都不清楚会发生什么 他不知道是呀你即将走过去敲他家的门，然后从此改变他的生活。你就像爱德·麦克（名主持人），不过你没钱（对我）也缺乏原始的性吸引力唔，我想这可是条大新闻大？是很重大.上帝，这家伙一无所知他只是走在街上想着“我跟瑞秋发生关系了"然后，砰他变了父亲，一切都不同了他愿意才会不同。我意思是，我不会向他提出任何要求好吧，可是，他仍然得做重要的决定接着他团团转、想着，我想当爸爸吗然后，砰那是什么？砰！我不知道。他，他被车撞了之类- 嗨.- 嗨.你好，乔依，如果一个曾跟你发生关系的人告诉你她怀孕了。你会怎样做？谁打过电话来?听起来象金发女郎吗?哈？她有口音吗?我得去打个电话了。我根本不该去Sunglass Hut零售店。乔依……乔依没说你.你没让谁怀孕.噢。你干吗这么吓唬我?到底出了什么事?谁怀孕了吗?噢，是的，我.噢，上帝啊，菲比!你就要有个孩子了?是的噢，天哪。我就要生孩子了!等等.父亲是谁?你不认识他.那不重要。他不想跟我或孩子有牵扯哼，这家伙是谁?他是谁？我会找到他，然后踢他的屁股大卫· 林恩大卫· 林恩大卫· 林恩大卫· 林恩大卫· 林恩是谁?是跟我一个体育馆的人.有点讨厌.钱德?喂，你找到相机了吗?没有。你呢?我找到了.所以我才在桌子下面————庆祝嗯，我去失物招领处询问过了。我跟经理谈了。但是没人捡到.嗯，这太好了.这是今天唯一能让莫尼卡高兴的事了她相当沮丧。可你们刚结婚她干吗不高兴?我努力不想这个问题.真难相信我竟然把相机搞丢了抱歉，伙计.有办法了这是同一个舞厅.有个乐队.会有许多盛装的人.你建议我们跳舞来忘掉烦恼?噢，不，不.我是说，我们等会去礼品商店买点胶卷套上咱们的晚礼服，再拍几张照片.我们要做的就是别把别人拍进去.你没开玩笑？我只是想到你家里新婚的妻子。你真想让你们的共同生活从失望开始?婚姻建议?真的吗?这看起来很象你的婚礼这些花都是一样的吗?我不知道。是莫尼卡挑的花。嗯，那么椅子呢?也是她挑的.地方呢？还是她选的.那你做什么了?我保管相机.礼品商店?嗯.喂.噢，你说了吗?还没有.噢.唔，那你在这干吗？你准备好去说了吗?是阿甘吗?不.不是阿甘.感谢上帝，我可不想孩子长那样的头发菲比，孩子的父亲不在这，知道吗?我没告诉他，我现在根本不能告诉他为什么不?我不知道.我在路上边走边想我今天就去告诉他，然后，砰!巴士?不，你.菲比，你让我产生错觉.你一直在说这多严重。嗯，但它确实严重.我知道，但我只是在想，对我来说它有多重要。我从没想过对于这个父亲来说，这多重要。你想得太多了告诉他，作个了断就像撕开这块邦迪。看，快而且不疼。天啊……明白了？噢……我们来拆礼物吗?不，不。我们不该拆礼物乔依，我失去控制了!乔依，帮我个忙吧。不过我说什么，做什么请别让我再打开一个礼物了好不好?好的.再给我一个.好.喂噢，好呀——你在这.唔，菲比，听着，坐下.有些话我想对你说好吧。嗯……世道凶险尤其对单身妈妈来说.我总是觉得你和我，有一种——特殊的纽带，因此——菲比· 芭菲，你能嫁给我吗？噢，上帝啊.乔依……好，我嫁你.你不能嫁给他.喂，女士！你风光过了现在轮到我了.菲比……什么？她为什么不能嫁给我?我能嫁，而且我愿嫁。她没怀孕.是瑞秋.怀孕的是瑞秋，明白了？噢，天哪！喂!9个月后你不生孩子，我想他会发现的他是乔依.我没法相信瑞秋怀孕了?-啊哈.-是的.好，那谁是孩子的爸爸?我们不知道.噢!我琢磨着会不会是那个花花公子?有个花花公子?是.是?是谁？大约一个月以前，那家伙跟瑞秋过了一夜l.呃，我不知那是谁，但……这事完了吗?那家伙离开了.噢，上帝。我知道孩子的爸爸是谁说话不许只讲一半！嗯，打搅一下.请帮我们拍张照片，好吗?噢，当然.呃，能给我们拍一张吗?嗯，没问题.按.它没响.我听到它响了。- 听到了？- 我听到了。但是没闪光.你为什么不拍?噢，我马上拍,我会给你们拍照片的.唔，你的手指盖住镜头了.你当你是谁？安塞尔· 亚当斯（名摄影师）?!出去!抱歉以前给你心理压力所以，我打电话给孩子的父亲，让他来见你，你告诉他走.等，喂，等等.菲比，你怎么知道那孩子的爸爸是谁?我也许有时干傻事，但是……别只把我当成个大屁股的金发美女我想这毛衣是孩子的爸爸的噢，上帝。噢，他现在在那吗?嗯.现在，你要么放弃，要么去撕开邦迪你想干什么?唔……撕开它真的？你肯定?噢，菲比.嗯，对不起.嗨，瑞秋你为什么不到讲台上?我给你拍张演讲的照片.好的，好的。那辆95年别克房车的车主在吗？请到柜台处你的车要被拖走了.那是我的车.一辆95年的房车？是的.是辆绿色的?是的噢，抱歉，我是说蓝色的.是，蓝绿色.好的，走吧.去把它开走!好的。准备好拍压轴照片了吗?行了。准备好发动了.祝贺你们结婚.干什么？瑞秋有些事想告诉你嗯，我想这是你那件红色羊毛衫。不这是我的红色羊毛衫.噢，不.你们谁要咖啡，或者……？毒药？不？就给我？好的.然后呢，瑞秋?没什么.菲比犯了点小错.但是，你经常穿那件毛衣。所以被卷入这场误会菲比打来电话，我很高兴我们分手是因为，你认为我不够成熟。但是我长大了，我们应该重修旧好噢，不是时候是时候了.嗯。我还有进一步的准备Tag……瑞秋，再给我一次机会我有孩子了。噢！你可以走了.谢谢你.我不知道这里头有多少打开过了你全都打开了?我知道！我很糟糕钱德不会再相信我了噢，嗨，你拿了我父母的礼物嗯，那是什么?我不知道。大概是某种意大利腊肠喂，它们放在哪?嗯，Tag在哪？Tag不是父亲.乔依现在知道了吗?瑞秋，我为你感到高兴哇噢，你甚至不打算解下我胸罩.你打算告诉我们谁是父亲吗?是的，我会说.只是不打算在今晚嘿，瑞秋，不管那家伙说什么我想让你知道，在这世上，你不孤独我不是吗?不.听着，我，嗯……世道凶险尤其对单身妈妈来说。.啊，乔依……嗯, 我总是觉得你和我之间，有一种特殊的纽带,你知道？因此，瑞秋· 格林，你愿意嫁给我吗？啊?什么?什么?!菲比，把戒指还给我.不!乔依，噢，你真可爱.你真太可爱了，甜心.但是我不需要一个丈夫.我知道.如果你不介意，我得去躺会了.我受伤了但是我会还给你的，乔依·崔白尼嗯，是的，听我说，菲比，关于那个噢，是.意大利腊肠!朋友！成了.我们回来了.太好了！你在厨房我们就待在厨房.欣赏照片时间.你会喜欢它们的.这个是罗斯的照片……那是我我和罗斯.噢，这是我们成为夫妻后的初吻喔，棒极了，这张照片嗯?是的.而且还很有趣，我在我们的一个包里发现了相机真没想到嗯，所以那不是我们婚后的第一个吻而是我跟这位小姐的第一个吻从你脸上我能看出你会记得的，所以我们不需要它了……没必要保留……不如我们……现在来拍点真正的照片，再马上把它们冲印出来，你看怎样?- 这是个好主意.- 好的.我不在时，你打开了所有的礼物?我以为我们该一起拆礼物你吻了另一个女人？扯平？好吧.嗯，我要去把这些放在水里.你从别人的婚礼上偷东西?不，我从酒店大堂里拿的.他们想让我为莫须有的色情电影和一袋Meshuga nuts付钱得给他们点教训啊，我的羊毛衫.我已经找它找了一个月了- 噢，上帝!- 噢，上帝!噢，上帝!嗨，你过得怎样?很好，很好。好久不见了。是呀。我喜欢你的羊毛衫；噢，嗨，你穿着正好。瑞秋真疯狂，是吗?呃，是的，她是个疯狂的女人。那么，是谁的?不清楚，某个意大利牌子？得了，看看你自己衣服上的牌子好了再见.好的.他真古怪.
803 The One Where Rachel Tells…
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are getting ready to go on their honeymoon. Monica is entering from the bedroom.]
Chandler: Hey! Babe! Aren’t you excited we’re going on our honeymoon?
Monica: Yeah I am!
Chandler: (singing) Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama…
Monica: That’s right. Get it out of your system while we’re alone.
Joey: (entering with Phoebe) Hey!
Phoebe: Yeah! Have a great honeymoon!
Chandler: I’d better go pack.
Monica: Oh no, I already packed. The only thing I couldn’t find though was your Speedo.
(Joey looks at him, Phoebe tries not to smile, and Chandler is shocked.)
Chandler: A Speedo? Uh, I don’t have a Speedo. I’m gonna go pack my regular long bathing suit. (Goes into the bedroom.)
Rachel: (entering) Oh good you’re still here!
Rachel: I want to tell you to have a good honeymoon! (Hugs Monica.)
Monica: Thank you.
Rachel: And I also wanted you guys to know that I am telling the father today. (They all look at her expectantly) What? What? What?
Joey: We know its Ross!
Rachel: How?! How do you know?
Phoebe: It was his sweater, but—Oh my God!
Rachel: Oh, I so wanted Ross to know first, but I’m so relieved you guys know.
Monica: This is so great! And I’m gonna be your baby’s aunt!
Rachel: I know! (They hug.)
Phoebe: Me too! (Joins the hug.)
Joey: I’m gonna be an uncle! Come here! (He joins the hug.)
Rachel: (breaking the hug) You’re all gonna be aunts and uncles.
Monica: Yeah, but I’m the only one related by blood.
Rachel: Okay. Great! So now that you guys all know you can help me. Give me some advice on how I’m gonna tell Ross!
Monica: Well, what were you gonna say?
Rachel: Well I was gonna tell him that I’m-I’m gonna have the baby and he can be as involved as he wants.
Joey: Well that, that sounds good.
Rachel: Yeah but how do I start? I mean, what’s-what’s the first thing that I say? (They all pause to think.) Okay great! Thanks. (She starts to leave.)
Monica: Hey! Good luck!
Phoebe: Yeah, bye.
Chandler: (entering) Hey, what was that all about?
Monica: Well I guess there is no harm in telling you now, Rachel and Ross are gonna have a baby.
Chandler: (in a high pitched voice) What?! I didn’t even know that—Why didn’t you tell me?! (Pause) Why am I talking like this?!
Monica: I didn’t think you could keep it a secret.
Chandler: (in the high pitched voice) What?! (Normal voice) I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of our secrets.
Joey: What secrets?
Chandler: Oh no-no Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper.
(The girls walk away.)
Joey: (whispering to Chandler) You’ll tell me later?
Chandler: You already know.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are entering.]
Phoebe: Oh, it's so romantic to send people off on their honeymoon.
Joey: Y’know, Monica and Chandler are married. Ross and Rachel are having a baby. Maybe you and I should do something.
Phoebe: All in good time my love. All in good time. Oh shoot! I left my guitar in their apartment. Well you can let me in later.
Joey: I don’t have a key, they took mine to give to you.
Phoebe: What?! They took mine to give to you!
Joey: Why would they take away our keys?
Phoebe: Maybe they don’t trust us.
Joey: No that’s not it. They let me keep my key the last time they were out of town.
Phoebe: You mean the time you broke the ketchup bottle and cleaned it up with Monica’s guest towels?
Joey: Hey, I washed those!
Phoebe: No you didn’t.
Joey: Yeah that didn’t sound like me.
Phoebe: Well, what am I gonna do? I really need my guitar!
Joey: Yeah, I have stuff in there too.
Phoebe: What stuff?
Joey: Monica’s chicken parm! I’ll take care of it. (He picks up the phone) Hey Mr. Treeger, it’s Joey Tribbiani. Listen, I need to get into Monica and Chandler’s apartment. It’s an emergency. (Listens) Uhh, gas leak! Yeah oh, and bring garlic bread. (Hangs up.)
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Did Rachel find you?
Ross: No why?
Phoebe: Oh she was looking for you.
Ross: Oh well, I guess I’ll catch up with her later.
Phoebe: Well, she really wanted to talk to you now.
Joey: Yeah, it seemed pretty important.
Ross: Oh no.
Ross: I think I might know what this is about.
(Phoebe and Joey trade looks)
Ross: Yeah. Uh, uh we promised we weren’t gonna tell anybody this but uh, about a month ago Rachel and I slept together.
Phoebe: (deadpan) And?
Ross: Wow! I thought you would be a little more shocked.
Phoebe: Oh sorry. (Shocked) And?!
Ross: Well, we-we said we’d just do it that one time but, but now I think she may wanna start things up again.
Joey: Yeah, I don’t think that’s what it is.
Ross: Why? What-what else could it be?
Joey: Oh wow, I don’t feel well.
Ross: I’m telling you. I’m telling you. That’s what it is. No wonder she was looking at me all funny during the wedding. She didn’t say anything to you?
Phoebe: (To Joey) Maybe it’s something you ate?
Joey: Please, just-just, just go and talk to Rachel.
Ross: Yeah, I guess I should. (Starts to leave.) Man, y’know what I have to realize? Maybe I’m just not the type of guy women can have just one night with. Y’know, they-they always seem to want a little bit more. I should remember that. (He pauses and then exits.)
[Scene: The Airport Ticket Counter, Monica and Chandler are standing in line behind another couple kissing who are next in line to be served.]
Ticket Agent: Next?
(The kissing couple doesn’t move.)
Monica: They’re kissing let’s just go around them.
Chandler: Oh honey, leave them alone, they’re in love.
Monica: I’m in love too! But in an orderly fashion.
Ticket Agent: Next?
Monica: (to the couple) Hi! Can you do that and walk? ‘Cause she said, "Next."
(The couple moves up to the counter.)
Woman: Sorry. We didn’t hear you; we’re on our honeymoon.
Ticket Agent: Oh, let me see what I can do. (Checks the computer) There are some first class seats available.
Monica: (To Chandler) Did you hear that?! They bumped them up to first class because they are on their honeymoon! Come on! Let’s act like we’re on our honeymoon.
Chandler: We are on our honeymoon.
Monica: Grab my ass!
Ticket Agent: Next?
(They go up to the counter.)
Monica: Hi, sorry. I almost didn’t hear you, because y’know I’m just so in love with my new husband. We’re on our honeymoon.
Ticket Agent: Congratulations. Okay, Mr. Bing you’ll be in 25J and Mrs. Bing you’ll be in 25K.
Monica: Oh no, you see we’re on our honeymoon. So umm, can you do your little thing and bump us up to first class?
Ticket Agent: I’m sorry, all our first class seats are taken. That couple got the last two.
Monica: You see, if we’d gone around them like I said, we—She would’ve given us those tickets. Damnit!
Chandler: 25J and K, any chance those aren’t together?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Phoebe and Joey are playing Rock ‘em, Sock ‘em Robots.]
Joey: I still can’t believe they took away my key. You trust me with yours.
Phoebe: Of course I do! And I’m gonna give it back to you as soon as they’re done with it at the key shining place.
(They hear a knocking sound coming from the hallway and go to investigate.)
Joey: What the hell is that?
(They go into the hallway and see Mr. Treeger watching one of New York’s bravest breakdown Monica and Chandler’s door with an ax.]
Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Treeger, what are you doing?
Mr. Treeger: You said there was a gas leak in here.
Phoebe: Well why don’t you use your key?
Mr. Treeger: Because by the time I find it on this thing (Holds up a huge key ring with a thousand keys on it), the whole place might have exploded. If that happens at another building that I manage, people are gonna start asking questions. (To the fireman) Come on! Hurry up.
(With a final swing the door gives way.)
Phoebe: Oh! We could have done that.
[Scene: The Airport, Chandler and Monica are following the previous couple through a tiny hallway that proves this is a set on a sound stage and not an actual airport, and see them enter the first class lounge.]
Monica: Look at that! Look at that! They’re going into the first class lounge! Do you know what they have in there?
Monica: Me neither! We have to get in! (She runs through the door with Chandler in tow.)
Chandler: Just act like you belong.
Monica: Oh my God! Oranges!
Chandler: Shh! (To the guy behind the counter) Nice to see you again. (They tries to walk past him.)
Airline Employee: Uh sir, may I see your tickets please?
Chandler: Yes, of course. (Shows him the tickets.)
Airline Employee: I’m sorry, would you move your thumb? I can’t see the seat number.
Chandler: Oh that’s all right, I have it memorized. It’s 1A.
Airline Employee: (grabbing the ticket from him) Sir, this is not a first class ticket. I’m sorry.
Chandler: Apology accepted. Excuse us. (They try to enter again.)
Airline Employee: Sir! I’m afraid I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
Monica: Fine. (Starts to walk away then she runs over and grabs an orange before she exits.) Go! Go! Go!
[Scene: The Hallway Outside Ross’s Apartment, Ross is walking towards his apartment and sees Rachel sitting in front of the door.]
Rachel: (seeing him) Hi!
Rachel: Hi. (He helps her up.) Umm, I think there’s something that we really need to talk about.
Ross: (quietly confident) I think we do. Why don’t we go inside? (They go inside.) Look uh, I know why you’re here.
Rachel: You do?
Ross: Yeah, and to save you from any embarrassment umm, I think maybe I should talk first.
Rachel: (warily) Okay.
Ross: Okay. (He sits her down in a chair.) Uh, Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. That’s been one heck of a see-saw hasn’t it?
Rachel: (confused) What?
Ross: I mean look, that-that one night we had was fun and…and certainly passionate, but don’t you think it’s better if we just stayed friends?
Rachel: Seriously. What?!
Ross: Okay. Okay. Y’know what? If you want to, we can do it one more time. I mean I’d-I’d be okay with that. In fact, I have some time right now.
Rachel: Okay, y’know what? Can I, can I talk now?
Ross: Oh sure. (He sits on the apothecary table and touches her hand.)
Rachel: (touches his knee) I’m pregnant. (Ross stops.) Ross? (Ross is staring off into space.) Ross? (Ross is still frozen) Okay, whenever you’re ready. (Sits back and opens her magazine.) And you’re the father by the way—but you got that…
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]
Rachel: (closes her magazine) Can I get you some water?
Ross: I’m good. I’m good.
Rachel: Ross, there is no pressure on you. Okay? I mean you can as involved as you want. (Ross nods.)
Ross: Yeah, I need uh… I’m just—I don’t know—I don’t understand, umm, how this happened? We-we used a condom.
Rachel: I know. I know, but y’know condoms only work like 97% of the time.
Ross: What? What? What?!! Well they should put that on the box!!!
Rachel: They do!
Ross: No they don’t!!! (He runs to the bedroom to check and returns with his box of condoms.) Well they should put it in huge black letters!!!!
Rachel: Okay Ross come on let’s just forget about the condoms.
Ross: Oh well I may as well have!
Rachel: Listen, y’know what? I was really freaked out too when I found out…
Ross: Freaked out? Hey no, I’m not freaked out! I’m indignant! As a consumer!
Rachel: Y’know what? Let’s, let’s talk later.
Ross: No! No! I want to talk now! Okay? I—In fact, (picks up the phone) I am going to talk to the president of the condom company!
Rachel: Okay, y’know maybe I should come back… (Starts to leave.)
Ross: (grabs her) Shh! Shh! Shh!
Rachel: (stops) Okay.
Ross: (on phone) Yeah I’ll press 1! (Presses one which allows Rachel to escape.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Mr. Treeger has finished inspecting Monica and Chandler’s apartment.]
Mr. Treeger: I’ve looked everywhere. There’s no gas leak.
Joey: (eating) Huh. So then I can heat this up? (Goes and does so.)
Mr. Treeger: Anyway uh, I’ll get moving on that new door.
Phoebe: Oh great! And listen, could you do us a favor and not tell Chandler and Monica about this? ‘Cause y’know umm, they don’t-they don’t have any kids of their own and-and this door was like a child to them.
Mr. Treeger: Well I’m gonna have to put on a new lock, they’ll find out anyway.
Phoebe: Oh no.
Mr. Treeger: (measures the top of the doorframe) Whoa! This looks like an all day job, I’ll have to cancel my yoga class. (Ross walks up.) Hey Ross!
Mr. Treeger: Could you tell Jasmine that I won't make it to yoga class today?
Mr. Treeger: Namaste. (Bows.)
Ross: Namaste. (Bows.)
(Treeger leaves and Ross notices the door.)
Ross: Oh my God! What happened to the door?!
Joey: So it’s noticeable huh?
Ross: Look, is Rachel here? I really need to talk to her.
Phoebe: Didn’t you two already talk?
Ross: Yeah but uh… Okay, okay look you guys know that Rachel and I slept together, but there’s something else. (Pause) Rachel’s pregnant.
Joey: (simultaneously) Oh my God!!! I can’t believe that!!
Phoebe: (simultaneously) Holy mother of God!!!
Ross: With my child.
Phoebe: That is brand new information!!
Ross: You already know don’t you?
Phoebe: A little bit.
Joey: How are you doing?
Ross: Okay. Okay. I mean I’ll be okay. It’s just I don’t think I handled it very well.
Joey: Well, what did you say to her?
Ross: Nothing. But the complaint department at the condom company got an earful. And then when I turned around she was gone.
Phoebe: Oh Ross.
Ross: But hey, in my defense I-I just found out condoms are like only 97% effective.
Joey: (shocked) What?
Ross: I gotta go find her.
Joey: Whoa! Hey! Whoa!! Hold up! Are you serious?! So like 3% of the time they don’t even work?! Huh? They should put that on the box!
Ross: Evidently they do.
Joey: What?! (Grabs his condoms from his pocket and looks.)
[Scene: The Atlantis Resort, Chandler and Monica are arriving to check in, but are behind the couple from before again.]
Monica: I can’t believe we’re here.
Chandler: Oh you’ve got to be kidding me.
Monica: What? (Monica sees the first couple and gasps.)
Front Desk Clerk: As a wedding gift to you, the hotel would like to give you the honeymoon suite.
Monica: No!! You have been screwing us all day!
Man: Who are you?
Chandler: We’re you just ten seconds later!
Monica: Yeah! You already got the first class tickets; you got the lounge! I mean we should get free stuff too! I mean you’re not the only ones on your honeymoon!
Woman: Well you can have the suite if you want. We don’t care about where we stay. We’re here to celebrate our love together. We don’t have to get free stuff. We just want to be together.
Chandler: (looks at Monica then at them) We need the stuff.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is on the phone and Phoebe is watching him.]
Joey: Hey Monica it’s Joey. Listen uh, Phoebe and I smell gas comin’ from your apartment.
Monica: What? Are you serious?! (To Chandler) Joey smells gas!
Chandler: What else is new?
Joey: Yeah and we’d go check it out, but you took away our keys.
Monica: Well do something! Get in there!
Joey: How? I guess I could break down your door.
Monica: Yeah! Do that!
Joey: And-and you won’t blame us for any damage? (Gives Phoebe a thumbs up.)
Monica: No! (Pause) Are you doing it?! I don’t hear anything! Come on!
Joey: Uh, okay I’ll-I’ll-I’ll break it down. (He hands the phone to Phoebe, gets up, picks up a chair, and starts banging it on the floor.)
Phoebe: Oh hey hi, he’s doing it. He’s breaking down the door. (The chair breaks in half.) Okay, we’re in. (She hangs up the phone.)
[Scene: A doctor’s office, Rachel is on an examining table with her legs in the stirrups.]
Nurse: Okay Rachel, are you comfortable?
Rachel: (sighs) If I said I was, would you judge me?
Nurse: The doctor will be here in a minute to do your sonogram.
Rachel: Okay. (The nurse exits.) Oh man, I swear if they sold these at Pottery Barn…
(There’s a knock on the door and Ross enters.)
Rachel: (shocked) Hi!
Ross: Uh we-we need to talk.
Rachel: Uh-uh-uh, right now? Because I’ve kinda got an el fresco situation going on over here.
Ross: Please, please I want to apologize for the way I acted earlier today.
Rachel: Okay Ross that’s fine, but can you please stand near my head?
Ross: What? Oh yeah. (He moves next to her head.) I’m sorry. I mean I-I think I went a little crazy. I mean I was thinking about myself when I (Wanders towards Rachel’s feet) really—I should have been thinking about you Rach…
Rachel: Okay. Head Ross! Head Ross! Head Ross!
Ross: Right! Right! I just—I want you to know that I’m going to be there through this whole thing, okay? Okay? The doctor’s appointments, the uh, the Lamaze classes, uh baby-proofing the apartment—Although we could probably worry about that ‘til after we get married.
Rachel: What married?
Ross: Well yeah, I think we should get married.
Rachel: What, because that’s your answer to everything?
Ross: No, because that’s the right thing to do.
Rachel: Yeah, maybe if you’re in love. But Ross, we are not in love, are we?
Ross: No but…but still you can’t possibly do this alone.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Ross: Come on Rach, you can’t even eat alone in a restaurant.
Ross: I’m just saying if you can’t eat by yourself, how do you expect to have a baby by yourself?
Rachel: I can too eat by myself!
Ross: When have you ever?
Rachel: When certain people leave the table and I am not finished!
Ross: Well certain other people take two hours to eat a bowl of soup!
Rachel: Oh please, you inhale your food!
Ross: I grew up with Monica! If you didn’t eat fast you didn’t eat!!
Dr. Long: (entering) Am I interrupting?
Rachel: Oh no Dr. Long, please come in. This is Ross, he is the father.
Ross: But not the husband, because evidently she can do this alone.
Dr. Long: Huh. Nice to meet you. I’ll get started on this.
Ross: (To Rachel, standing by her feet) I don’t know why you can’t admit that you need me.
Rachel: I do need you! I need you to stand near my head!
Dr. Long: Okay, everything looks good. Here it is on the screen. (We see Ross and Rachel looking at the screen.) Here is your uterus. And right here is your baby.
Ross: Oh my God.
Rachel: Wow. There it is, I see it.
Dr. Long: Congratulations. I’ll give you two a minute.
Ross: Thank you.
(Dr. Long exits and Rachel starts to cry.)
Ross: Pretty amazing huh?
Rachel: I don’t see it!
Ross: What? What?!
Rachel: I can’t see it!
Ross: You-you just said that you did!
Rachel: I know, I lied! I didn’t want her to think I was a terrible mother! I can’t even see my own baby!
Ross: Oh sure, come here! (Sits her up) Sure you can! Uh, look come here look, (rolls the machine closer) it’s-it’s-it’s, it’s right there (Points).
Rachel: Oh. Oh, it’s beautiful. I see it now.
Ross: Do you really?
Rachel: No, I don’t see it!
Ross: Come on! Come on! Here, okay-okay, you see this? (Points) This tiny thing that looks like a peanut?
Ross: Sweetie that’s it.
Rachel: That’s it? Well I saw that! Ohh-ohh-oh, thank you.
Ross: You’re welcome.
Rachel: Wow! I can’t believe that’s our baby.
Ross: Yeah, that’s our baby.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Phoebe are there as Rachel and Ross return from the doctor’s appointment.]
Phoebe: Hey! So how was the doctor?
Rachel: Oh, everything went great.
Ross: Oh hey, show them the picture of your uterus.
(She does so.)
Joey: I don’t see the baby. Where is it?
Rachel: Oh no, I know I couldn’t see it either at first, but it’s right umm… (Starts to cry) Ross, I lost it again.
Ross: Oh. (He takes the picture and hugs her.