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老友记第八季804 The One With The Videotape

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嘿,亲爱的,你高兴吗?我们要去蜜月旅行了。是的,我高兴。百慕大群岛, 巴哈马群岛,来吧, 美丽的妈妈。好吧, 当我们单独在一起时忘记它.嘿。我们是来说再见的.蜜月旅行愉快.谢谢.我最好去整理行李.哦,不.我已经整理好了.唯一我没找到的是你的性感泳裤。性感泳裤?我才没有.我去把泳装带上.哦,太好了,你还在.我想对你说,蜜月旅行愉快.哦,谢谢.我还想让你们知道,我今天将告诉孩子的父亲.什么?什么?什么?我们知道他是罗斯。啊?你们怎么知道的?那是他的毛线衣.但,哦,我的上帝!喔,我是想让罗斯第一个知道。但你们先知道了也让我放心了。我将成为你孩子的阿姨,那太好了!我也是。我将是叔叔。到这来。我们都将成为阿姨和叔叔。是啊,但我是唯一有血缘关系的人。好的,太棒了。现在你们都知道了,你们要帮助我。教我如何告诉罗斯.好吧,你将说什么呢?我要告诉他,我将生个孩子。如果他愿意,他可以和我一起.听上去不错.是啊,但你说,我如何开头呢?我是说,我一开始怎么说?Okay, 太棒了,谢谢.嘿,祝你好运.好的,再见.嘿,到底怎么了?好,我想现在可以告诉你发生了什么.瑞秋和罗斯将生一个孩子.什么?!我竟然一点也不知道...你为什么不告诉我?为什么我怎么说?我想你不能保密.什么?!我是个保密专家.我保守了所有我们的秘密。什么秘密?OH,不,不,乔伊.我不告诉你,因为我是保密专家.Psst. 你等会儿告诉我.你已经知道了.Oh, 送他们去蜜月旅行太浪漫了.莫妮卡和钱德结婚了.罗斯和瑞秋将有一个孩子.可能你和我也需要做点什么.多美好啊,亲爱的.多美好啊.Oh, 我把我的吉他留在公寓里了.好吧,你等会能让我进去是吧?不行,我没有钥匙.他们把我的拿去给你了.什么?他们把我的拿去给你了.为什么他们拿走我们的钥匙?可能他们不相信我们.不可能.他们上次外出时,给了我们钥匙的.你是说你打碎番茄酱瓶子的那次?然后你用莫妮卡的毛巾来收拾的?嘿,我都洗干净了.你没有.是啊,那不像我的作为.好吧,我该怎么办?我需要我的吉他.是啊,我也有些东西在里面.什么东西?莫妮卡的小鸡...我将照料它们.Hey, Treeger先生, 我是Joey Tribbiani.听着,我需要进莫妮卡和钱德的公寓。这是紧急事件.煤气泄漏了.是啊,带来了大蒜面包.Hey.Hey.瑞秋找过你吗?没有,什么了?Oh, 她正在找你.Oh, 好吧,我想我待会会看到她的.她现在很想和你谈谈.是啊,看上去很重要.Oh, 不.什么?我想我应该怎么那是关于什么的.真的?是啊, uh...我们保证没有告诉过如何人,但, uh...一个月以前,瑞秋和我一起睡觉了.然后呢?Wow, 我想,你们有些吃惊吧.Oh, 对不起.然后呢?好吧,我们说只发生一次,但我想她还想来一次吧.是啊,但我想并不是那样.什么,那会是什么?Oh, wow, 我感觉不好.不,我告诉你吧,我告诉你发生了什么吧.不奇怪,她在婚礼上看我的样子很有趣.她什么也没对你说吗?可能是你吃了什么.请去和瑞秋谈谈吧.好吧,我想我会的.朋友...你知道我意识到了什么?可能我不是那种类型的男人,女人只想和我一个晚上.要知道,她们都想多要一点.我应该记住.然后.他们在接吻. 让我们绕开他们.Oh, 亲爱的,让他们独处.他们相爱了.我也恋爱了.但是有计划的.下一个.Hi. 你能这样做然后离开吗?但她说了“下一个”对不起.我们没有听到.我们在蜜月旅行.Oh.让我看看我能做些什么.头等舱还有一些座位.你听到吗?他们让他们坐头等舱,因为他们正在度蜜月.来吧,我们装成我们在度蜜月吧.我们是在度蜜月.跟着我.下一个.Hi. 对不起.我没有听见,你知道?我太爱我的新丈夫了.我们在度蜜月.恭喜.谢谢.先生,你将座 25J女士你将座 25K.,Uh, 不,你知道,我们在度蜜月.所以,你能把我们的作为升为头等舱吗?对不起,所有头等舱的作为都满了.那对夫妇座了最后两个座位.你看?如果听我的 ,我们绕过他们,她就能让我们坐头等舱.该死.25J 和 K.有可能不在一起吗?我仍然不详细他们拿走了我的钥匙.你确信我拿了你的.当然.我将把钥匙还给你.那是什么?Whoa, whoa, whoa.Treeger, 你在干什么?听说这煤气泄漏了.好吧,但为什么不用你的钥匙?因为如果等我找到钥匙,这个地方已经爆炸了.如果发生在我管理的另一幢楼里,人们已经提问了。来,快一点。Oh!我们已经在做了.看那里,看那里他们去了头等舱.你知道他们在那里干什么?不.我也不,我们必须去那里.装着像你是头等舱的.Oh, 上帝,桔子!Shh!很高兴再次看到你.Uh, 先生.我能看一下您的票吗?当然.对不起,您能移开你的拇指吗?我看不到座位号码.没关系,我记得,是 1A.先生,这不是头等舱得票.对不起.接受道歉.原谅我们.先生,恐怕,我只能让你们离开.好的.走吧! 走吧!走吧!Hi.Hi.Hi.Um...我想我们必须谈谈.我想我们正在谈.为什么我们不进去?Okay.看, uh...我知道为什么你在这.你做的?是啊.把你从困难中解救出来我想我们应该先谈谈.Okay.Okay?罗斯和瑞秋...罗斯和瑞秋...那是秋千,是吗?什么?我说,看那里...那晚我们很开心,也很有激情.不过你不认为我们是朋友会更好吗?认真一点,什么?Okay, okay.你知道什么?如果你想要...我们可以再来一次.我的意识是我可以.事实上,我现在正好有时间.Okay, 罗斯.你知道什么?我现在能说吗?- Oh, 当然.- Okay.我怀孕了.罗斯?罗斯?Okay.无论你是否准备好.你将成为父亲.但你走了.你需要一些水吗?不,我很好,我很好.罗斯,对你没有压力,是吗?我的意思是如果你愿意.是, 我, uh...我真的不知道.我不懂 um...这是怎么发生的.我们用了避孕套.我知道,但你知道,避孕套的有效率是,97% .什,什么?什么?!好吧,他们应该把这印在盒子上!他们做了.不他们没有!好吧,他们应该用大写字母来印!Okay, 罗斯,来吧.让我们忘记避孕套.Oh, 好吧, 我可以!,听着,你知道吗? 当我发现...,我非常反常。反常,嘿,我没有我非常愤怒作为一个消费者.你知道吗,我们待会儿谈吧.不,不,我们现在谈,好吗?事实上,我想和避孕套公司的总裁谈一谈.Okay, 你知道吗?我会回来的.- Shh.- Okay.好吧,我会压住一个!我看了所有地方.没有煤气泄漏。Huh.那我能把这加热吗?无论怎样,我将移动那扇新门.好的,你能帮我个忙吗?不要告诉莫妮卡和钱德发生的一切因为,你知道,他们现在还没孩子这门就像他们的孩子。好吧,我将配一把新锁.他们肯定会发现的.Oh, 不.这看来要花一天.我只能取消我的瑜伽课了.Hey, 罗斯.Hey.你能告诉Jasmine 我今天不去上瑜伽课吗?当然.Namaste(你好).Namaste(你好).Oh, 我的上帝,这是怎么了?那是显而易见的, huh?好吧,瑞秋在吗,我们要谈谈.,你们不是已经谈过了吗?是的,但...Okay, okay, 看--你们知道瑞秋和我一起睡觉了,还有瑞秋怀孕了.- 上帝啊,神圣的母亲!- Oh, 上帝,我不敢相信!是我的孩子.这是最新的消息!你们已经知道了,是吗?一点点.你怎么样?Okay, okay. 我会没事的.只是我想我不能处理的非常好.你怎么对她说的?没有.但避孕套公司给了我吃惊的回答.但我回去的时候,她不在了.Oh, 罗斯.但,我想避孕套有效率是97% .什么?我要去找她。Whoa, hey, 坚持住!你是认真的吗?所以,3%的时候不起作用?Huh? 他们应该把它印在盒子上!他们这样做了.什么?我不能相信我们在这.Oh, 你想和我开玩笑.什么?酒店将给你蜜月套房做为结婚礼物。不,你已经一天了你是谁?我们是你,等10秒钟!你已经得到一等舱的票子,你得到了长沙发,和免费食物!不仅你们两在都蜜月!如果愿意,你们可以得到套房.我们不在乎住在哪里.我们在这庆祝我们的爱.我们不需要免费食物.我们仅需要在一起.我们需要食物.Hey, 莫妮卡, 那是乔伊.听着,非比和我发现你们公寓煤气泄漏了.什么,你们是认真的?乔伊闻到了煤气味.然后呢?我们就来检查,但你们拿走了我们的钥匙.我们做了一些事就进来了!怎么进来的?我想我可以砸了你的门.是啊,做吧!我们搞坏了门,你不怪我们?不!你现在在干!快,我没听见任何声音。Uh, okay,我会砸了它.,Okay, hi, 他正在做.他正在砸门.Okay 我们已经进来了.Okay, 瑞秋,你还好吗?如果我说好了,你能帮我看病吗?医生马上就来.Okay.Oh,朋友,我发誓他们已经卖了...Hi.Hi.我们需要谈谈.现在吗?因为我现在处境尴尬请,我真的对我今天的表现说抱歉.Okay, 罗斯,没事,你能靠近一些吗?什么, oh, 好的, 对不起.我想我有一点疯了.我只想我自己,但我应该想的是你.- 头, 罗斯, 头, 罗斯, 头, 罗斯.- 好,好.我只想告诉你,我会和你在一起, okay, okay?看医生助产课, 婴儿看护--,虽然在结婚前有些麻烦.结婚?是的,我想我们应该结婚.什么,那就是你对整件事的答案?不,因为那是正确的事.Yeah, 可能,如果你恋爱了.但,罗斯,我们不相爱,是吗?不,但...但,我们不能单独面对.,原谅我?来吧,瑞秋. 你不能独自在饭店吃饭。什么?我刚说,如果你不能一个人吃饭你怎么能一个人抚养孩子?我当然能一个人吃饭.什么时候?当有些人离开了桌子,但我还没吃好.好吧,那些人花2小时喝一碗汤.Oh, 请, 你吸入你的食物.我和莫妮卡一起长大.如果你吃的不快,你就不吃!我打扰你们了吗?Oh, 没有, 医生请进.他是罗斯.他就是父亲.但显然不是丈夫,她能一个人完成。Oh,很高兴见到你.我马上开始.我不知道你为什么不承认你需要我.我需要你!我需要你在我的头边。Okay, 一切都很好.在屏幕上.这是她的子宫和这里你们的孩子.Oh, 我的上帝.Wow.那是,我看见了.恭喜.我给你们一分钟.- Okay.- 谢谢.令人吃惊吧?我没看见!什么? 什么?我没看见!你,你刚说你看见恶劣.我知道,我说慌了.我不想让他认为我是个糟糕的母亲。我不能看见我的孩子!,Oh, 来这里.你肯定可以.来这里,看.就在这里.Oh.Oh,太美了.我现在看见了.真的吗?不,我看不见!Okay, 来, 来.Okay, okay, 你看这-这看上去想花生?是的.亲爱的,那就是.那就是?是,我看见了!Oh!!!!Oh, 谢谢.不用.Wow.我不能相信那就是我们的孩子.是的,那是我们的孩子.Hi.- Hey.- Hey.医生怎么说?一些都很好.好.Hey, 让他们看看你子宫的照片.Oh.我没看见孩子,在哪里?Oh 不. 我知道,我一开始也看不见就在... um...罗斯, 我又找不到了.好吧.
804 The One With The Videotape

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Monica are returning from their honeymoon.]
Chandler: Wait. Before we go in, I just want you to know I love you. I had a great time on our honeymoon, and I can’t wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together.
Monica: You’re really sticking with the shell necklace huh? (Points to necklace of shells he’s wearing.)
(Joey and Phoebe burst forth from his apartment.)
Phoebe: Hi!
Joey: Hey! You’re back! (Hugs and kisses all around.)
Monica: Hi sweetie!
Phoebe: Come on in!
(They grab the luggage and drag it into Joey and Rachel’s forcing Monica and Chandler to follow.)
Phoebe: So how was the honeymoon?
Monica: Oh, so much fun. But the best part is, we met this incredible couple on the way back.
Phoebe: That was the best part? (To Chandler) Good honeymooning tiger.
Monica: No, they were really cool. They were on their honeymoon too!
Chandler: They’re terrific, and they live right here in the city.
Monica: Yeah, can we go call them? Is it too soon to call? I wanna call.
Chandler: I’m sorry, we’re just kinda excited because we finally have a couple to hang out with.
Monica: I know.
Joey: A couple? Like two people? Like (points to himself) one (points to Phoebe), two people?
Monica: This is different! Greg and Jenny are in a relationship.
Phoebe: Oh, Greg and Jenny yuck! (Angrily) Hi Greg, I’m Chandler this is Monica. Hi Monica, this is Jenny. Hi Jenny. Hi Greg.
Chandler: Listen, they are really great. If you just got a chance…
Joey: Y’know what? Why don’t you just give us our souvenirs and get the hell out of here?
Chandler: We really…didn’t get a chance to…
Phoebe: You have got to be kidding me!
Monica: We didn’t get anything for anyone.
Joey: Hm-mm! Yeah nice necklace!
Monica: That you can have.
Opening Credits
{Transcriber’s Note: Tradition was broken here as there were no commercials immediately after the opening credits, just more show.}
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Ross and Rachel are entering with the rest of the gang already inside.]
Rachel: Hi!
All: Hey!
Ross: Hello!
Rachel: Welcome home.
Ross: So, how was the honeymoon?
Monica: It was great! It was great! How about you?! I mean you’re having a baby!
Rachel: Oh! Look! I have a sonogram picture!
Monica: Oh great! (Shows them the picture.)
Chandler: Ross! It’s got your wavy black lines!
Monica: All right, so now that Ross knows can you tell us y’know how it happened? I mean, when did it happen? How many times did it happen?
Phoebe: Monica! That’s not right! Start with where.
(Rachel looks at Ross and gets his approval.)
Rachel: Well it happened about six weeks ago, and uh I had just got home from work and Ross was already there ‘cause I guess he had been hanging out with Joey.
Joey: You’re welcome buddy.
Ross: (glaring at him) Yeah, thanks. (Joey nods no problem.)
Rachel: And so I had a lot of work to do so Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out. And then we had a little wine, we got to talking, and the next thing you know out of nowhere Ross comes on to me.
Ross: (laughs) Umm that’s…that’s a little misleading.
Rachel: What is?
Ross: The lie you just told.
Rachel: That-that you came on to me?
Ross: There’s the one!
Rachel: But you did! I mean, let’s be honest.
Ross: Yes let’s. Y’know what? Uh, it’s-it’s not important. What is important is that, is that we’re having a baby. And it’s not—Doesn’t matter who came on to who.
Joey: Whom. (Everyone looks at him shocked.) That’s right.
Rachel: You know you kissed me first.
Ross: What? What?! You were begging me to kiss you! You-you-you were sending me signals all over the place!
Rachel: I was sending you signals?
Ross: Yeah!
Rachel: Oh please. Okay, anyone in this room think that I would send Ross begging symbols, please show of hands. (Ross raises his hand and no one else.)
Ross: Y’know what?! It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter what you believe! What matters is what happened!
Rachel: Okay. So these signals Ross, explain this to me, ‘cause maybe I need to be more careful. I mean, am I sending you these signals right now?
Ross: Y’know what? Y’know what? Rachel, just-just drop it.
Rachel: No please, show me how I begged you!
Ross: I can show you, I have it on videotape! (Stunned silence) It’s an expression.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, time has lapsed, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are sitting at the kitchen table.]
Phoebe: I can’t believe he taped the two of them having sex!
Joey: Yeah! You gotta tell a girl before you tape her. Such a rookie mistake.
Chandler: Y’know who has a great video camera?
Phoebe: (nasally) Greg and Jenny?
Monica: Do you still wanna call ‘em? I wanna call ‘em.
Chandler: Let’s call ‘em.
Joey: Yeah! Ask them if they brought their friends any souvenirs!
(Monica goes over and dials their number.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Eighth street deli?
Joey: Hey, hang up! You get food poisoning just talkin’ to that place.
Monica: (on phone) Uh sorry, wrong number. (Hangs up)
Chandler: Here you go. (Shows her the number again.)
Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) (To All) It’s the deli again!
Joey: All right! I’ll have a sandwich!
Monica: (hangs up) I don’t think this number’s right!
(Joey and Phoebe laugh.)
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: You got fake numbered.
Monica: What?! People don’t do that!
Joey: Oh I think we do.
Monica: They gave us a fake number? Why? Why would they do that?
Chandler: I don’t know! You were a delight to talk to. You asked all those insightful, great questions.
Monica: And you’ve never been funnier. Joke, joke, joke, you were a hoot!
Joey: Y’know what? Don’t worry about it, you still got me and Phoebe.
Phoebe: Excuse me, I don’t want Greg and Jenny’s rejects.
Ross: (entering) Rachel won’t talk to me! She won’t even open the door!
Phoebe: Hmm, I wonder why. Pervert!
Ross: Okay, listen I am not a pervert!
Phoebe: That’s like the pervert motto! Yeah! Yeah! They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand down your pants, and repeat that!
Ross: Filming Rachel is not something I planned. Okay look, here’s what happened, and Joey you-you can back me up on this. All right, about-about a month and a half ago I came to you with a problem? Umm, a personal thing.
Joey: Personal thing? What personal thing? I don’t know.
Ross: About…about sex? (Joey looks at him confused) That I hadn’t had sex in months?
Joey: (laughs) Yeah I knew what you were talkin’ about.
Six Weeks Earlier
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading a cereal box as Ross enters wearing the red sweater.]
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Do you have a minute? I’d like to talk to you about something I’m, I’m really uncomfortable talking about.
Joey: Sure. What? About uh, you showering with your mom?
Ross: I actually had a topic in mind! I’m, I’m kinda going through a dry spell, sex wise.
Joey: Whoa, for like months?
Ross: Five to be lying, six.
Joey: Six months? Whoa that’s rough.
Ross: Well, I mean it’s not all bad. I’m learning to appreciate the uh, smaller things in life. Like the sound of a bird and the color of the sky.
Joey: The sky’s blue Ross and I had sex yesterday!
Ross: Please, help me! I have a date tonight. It has to go well okay—I’m scared for my health!
Joey: Okay. Okay. Umm…Ooh! Oh-oh, I got something. It’s this story I came up with, very romantic. I swear any woman that hears it; they’re like putty.
Ross: Really? Well then tell it to me.
Joey: Okay. Now you’re gonna want to have sex with me when you hear it, but you have to remember it is just the story.
Ross: (sarcastic) I’ll try to control myself.
Joey: Okay. (Clears throat) Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe…
Ross: (laughs) You were backpacking across Western Europe?
Joey: Have a nice six more months Ross! (Starts to leave.)
Ross: (stopping him) Okay! Okay! Okay. I’m sorry. Please, please, you were in Western Europe and?
Joey: I was just outside Barcelona hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing and there was a lake, very secluded. And there were tall trees all around. (Whispering) It was dead silent. Gorgeous. (Softly) And across the lake I saw…a beautiful woman…bathing herself…but she was crying…
Ross: (intently listening) Why?
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, Ross is on his date with Kristen and they’re drinking wine.]
Kristen: Umm, this is great wine.
Ross: It’s from France…In Europe…Western Europe. Y’know umm, a few years ago I actually was backpacking across Western Europe.
Kristen: Really?
Ross: Uh-hmm—Wait! It gets better. Um, yeah I was in Barcelona.
Kristen: I studied for a year in Barcelona. (Ross is stunned and worried.)
Ross: Anyway, umm so I was um, I was hiking…
Kristen: I love hiking!
Ross: (whines) Oh that’s great! I was hiking along the foothills of Mount Tibidaybo…
Kristen: I think its Tibidabo.
Ross: Okay! Do you wanna tell the story?!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the counter as Ross enters.]
Joey: Whoa! What are you doing here? How did your date go?
Ross: Great! I’m across the street having sex with her right now. Your story sucks!
Joey: Hey! Look, if it didn’t work it’s because you didn’t tell it right! Show me how you did it.
Ross: No! No, I don’t…don’t want to.
Joey: How long since you’ve seen a girl naked?
Ross: I was backpacking across Western Europe.
Joey: I’m not feeling it.
Ross: I was just outside Barcelona, hiking…
Joey: No! No! No Ross! I’m not hot! Are you hot?
Ross: It’s been six months! I’m always hot!
Joey: Well you’re not selling the story! It’s like; it’s like you don’t believe it! Look, I gotta go. I got a date, but try this. Do what I do when I’m preparing for an audition. Okay? I’ll set you up with my video camera and you can record yourself and-and see what you’re doing wrong.
Ross: I’ll try that.
Joey: All right now… All right, you’re all set up. You’re good to go. Just hit record. All right?
Ross: Thanks.
Joey: Good luck.
Ross: Thanks. And-and hey Joe?
Joey: Yeah?
Ross: Listen, if you ever have any problem with the ladies you know I’ll help you out.
Joey: (trying not to laugh) That means a lot to me man. (Exits.)
(Ross pours himself a glass of wine, hits record, and sits down in front of the camera.)
Ross: Hello! Can I get you anything? Huh? Lens cleaner? Your battery okay? (Rachel bursts in carrying two boxes and Ross jumps up.) Rachel!
Rachel: Oh Ross!
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: Thank God you’re here! You have to help me! Were you just talking to yourself?
Ross: That’s less embarrassing, yes. Yes I was.
(They sit down on the couch, which is in front of the still recording camera.)
Ross: (voiceover) So when she came in, I got distracted and totally forgot about the camera. [Cut back to the present day.] It kept rolling and recorded everything.
(Pause)
Chandler: Yeah, we’re gonna need to see that tape. (They rest of them agree.)
Monica: Yeah, definitely.
Ross: What a great idea! That will get Rachel to forgive me!
Joey: Y’know what? This is not fair to her. Let’s just forget the tape!
Ross: Thank you. (Joey mouths to Ross, "You’ll show me right?") No!
Joey: You’re right. (Mouths, "I know you’ll show me, right?)
Ross: Joey! No!
Joey: Loud and clear! (Mouths, "You’ll show me," and nods.)
(Ross storms out.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are now sitting in the living room.]
Monica: I still don't get why Greg and Jenny would give us a fake number.
Joey: Y’know, if they knew what they were doing they probably didn’t give you real names either.
Monica: Okay, maybe people give out fake numbers, but they don’t give out fake names.
Joey: Oh yeah? (To Phoebe) Hi, Ken Adams, nice to meet you.
Phoebe: Regina Philange. (Ken and Regina shake hands.)
Chandler: I still don’t get it, we didn’t do anything wrong.
Monica: I know! Although, you did tell an awful lot of jokes.
Chandler: I thought you said those jokes were funny. Joke! Joke! Joke!
Monica: (rolling her head from side to side) Joke. Joke. Blah! Blah! (Joey and Phoebe laugh.)
Chandler: Well maybe it was all of your questions.
Monica: What about my questions?
Chandler: The sheer volume, it was like flying with the Riddler!
Monica: Oh, I’m sorry. Was that another joke?
Chandler: (angrily) Was that another question?
Rachel: (entering) Hey! Is Ross still here?
Joey: Uh no Rach, he’s gone. But listen, he told us what happened and it does, it sounds like an honest mistake.
Rachel: Oh really? Well how would you like it if I had sex with you and I taped it? (Joey smiles luridly) Oh forget it! (Ross enters.) Oh there he is now, the father of my child, the porn king of the west village.
Ross: Look, it was accident! Okay? I-I feel bad that it happened, but I swear, I didn’t even watch it! Anyway, here. (He takes the tape out of his coat pocket.) I thought you might be more comfortable destroying it yourself. (Tosses her the tape.)
Rachel: Thank you. (She sets it on the floor and is about to stomp on it with her shoe when the rest of the gang jumps up and yells simultaneously.) What? (They all yell again.) You don’t want to see this do you?
Monica: Hell yeah!!!
Rachel: I am not gonna show you this!
Phoebe: No! Not the sex part, just the stuff leading up to it.
Ross: Forget it, she’s destroying it.
Phoebe: Okay fine! Fine! We’ll just have to think of some other way to put the whole ‘Who came onto who,’ thing to rest! Come on now, think!!
Ross: Look, forget it Phoebe. Okay? It’s Rachel’s tape and she can do whatever she wants with it. And she wants to destroy it. So, end of story.
Rachel: I wanna see it.
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Clearly you don’t want people to see this tape. Now I don’t want people to see this tape either, but you so badly don’t people to see it makes me want to see it. You see?
Joey: (confused) Are we watchin’ the tape or not?!
Ross: I don’t want people to see it for your sake.
Rachel: Ahh, I don’t believe you. I think you don’t want them to see you begging me. (Goes to put the tape in the VCR)
Ross: Rachel, please…
Rachel: Ah, a little preview!
Ross: Fine. Fine, but I want the record to show that I tried to take the high road, because in about five minutes I’m gonna be saying…(He laughs and points at Rachel sarcastically.)
(They both sit down.)
Rachel: Okay, here we go. (Pushes play.)
Ross: (on tape) Hello! Can I get you anything?
Joey: (To Phoebe) I’m so happy!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the scene is continued from earlier.]
Rachel: (on tape) Oh, thank God you’re here! You have to help me! Were you just talking to yourself?
Rachel: There I am.
Phoebe: You’re gonna get pregnant.
Rachel: (on tape) I screwed up so bad, I told Monica that I would stuff and send all these wedding invitations like weeks ago and I-I…
Ross: (on tape) You didn’t do it?
Rachel: (on tape) I-I know—I had put them in…in-in my desk at work and I completely forgot about them until today.
(Chandler is shocked and Rachel gets scared of Monica very quickly.)
Monica: (taking Rachel’s hand) Sweetie okay. It’s okay. Everybody made it to the wedding. I’m fine.
Rachel: Kinda hurtin’ my hand though.
Monica: I know.
Rachel: (on tape) (Ross hands her a glass of wine) I cannot believe that I did this. Especially after Monica just went on and on and on about it! (Mimicking Monica) "Okay Rachel! Here are the invitations Rachel! Now be very careful Rachel! Please, drinking no liquids around the invitations Rachel!" (She tilts her wine glass above and moves it back and forth across the invitations) Whoa oh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh…oh-oh-oh…
(Rachel hits fast forward. Monica is completely shocked.)
Chandler: Did you do it on our invitations?!
Ross: (pause) Not on the ones we sent out.
Chandler: So, just the ones gave back to us and we had framed! (Slams the framed invitation down onto the table.)
(Rachel stops fast forwarding.)
Rachel: (on tape) Can you believe this is already happening? I mean it seems like yesterday they just got engaged.
Ross: (on tape) I know. Hey remember…remember the night they got engaged? How uh, you and I almost…
Rachel: (on tape) Oh, I remember how we almost. Do you think we would’ve gone through with it? Y’know, if we hadn’t gotten caught. Do you think we would’ve done it?
Ross: (on tape) I mean I…I know I wanted to. I just, I just wasn’t sure if you wanted to.
Rachel: (on tape) Oh I wanted to.
(Ross and Rachel trade looks while watching the tape.)
Ross: (on tape) So we…we both wanted to.
Rachel: (on tape) Interesting.
Ross: (on tape) Yeah. (Pause) Anyway umm, it probably worked out for the best.
Rachel: (on tape) Oh yeah, sure.
Rachel: Okay, in about ten seconds you’re gonna see him kiss me.
Ross: And in about five seconds you’re gonna see why.
Rachel: (on tape) Ross did I ever tell you about the time that I went backpacking through Western Europe?
(Joey’s shocked and everyone else looks at Rachel.)
Rachel: Okay, get ready to see some beggin’!
Phoebe: Oh, you came on to Ross!
Rachel: What?!
Ross: Now I’m so happy.
Rachel: What are you talking about?!
Monica: You used the Europe story!
Chandler: That’s the magic story you use when you wanna have sex!
Rachel: How do you know about that story?!
Joey: How do you know about that story?!
Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy!
Joey: (raises his hand) Some guy!! (Points to himself.)
Rachel: No. No, she told me his name was Ken Adams.
Joey: (raises his hand and points to himself again) Ken Adams!!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is looking at the tape sitting on the counter as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: So uh, apparently people are familiar with the Europe story?
Ross: Yeah. Listen about that, the whole uh, who came on to who thing really doesn’t matter. I mean, I think it would’ve happened either way. I mean if you hadn’t initiated it I-I-I know I would’ve.
Rachel: It was an amazing night.
Ross: It was. It was an amazing night.
(Pause)
Rachel: You think it looked amazing?
Ross: I uh… I don’t know. I mean I…I honestly didn’t watch it.
Rachel: Yeah, me neither. Yet…
Ross: Uhhhhhh…that-that may be weird.
Rachel: Yeah, it would be really weird.
(Ross grabs the tape and heads for the VCR as Rachel goes over and puts the chain on the door and locks it.)
Ross: Good luck.
Rachel: Good luck to you.
(Ross pushes play.)
Ross: Mind if I mute?
Rachel: Oh please. (He does so.)
Ross: Oh, oh there go the clothes.
Rachel: You are undressing very quickly.
Ross: Six months Rachel, six months.
Ross and Rachel: Ah. (Pause) Oh.
Ross: Hey. We-we look…we look pretty good.
Rachel: That’s what I was gonna say.
Ross: Oh nice tan!
Rachel: Thank you! I had just gone to the beach that weekend.
Ross: Ah….
Rachel: Have you been working out?
Ross: I have been working out.
Rachel: Really? Wow, this is so much better than I…
Ross and Rachel: Ohh! Ew!
Ross: Oh that’s not pretty.
Rachel: Oh! Oh!
Ross: No!
Rachel: Oh God!
Ross: Oh no!
Rachel: Oh, make it stop!
Ross: Oh no!!
Rachel: Make it stop!!
Ross: No!!
Rachel: Have to make it stop!!
Ross: No!!!
(They both get out of the chair and run for the VCR.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler have gone through the phone book and found Greg and Jenny’s number which Monica has just dialed.]
Monica: (on phone) Hello Greg? (Listens) Hi, this is Monica from the plane? Listen, the number that you gave me 853-5… (Listens) (To Chandler) That is their old number! Jenny’s been giving it out since they moved!
Chandler: Jenny! That is so Jenny!
Monica: (on phone) Hey listen umm, how would you like to get together? Say next Saturday? (Listens) Okay, how about Sunday? (Listens) Okay umm, the week after that? (Listens) The week after that? (Listens) Y’know what Greg? Y’know what? We are good, interesting, funny people with good questions and if you and your precious Jenny can’t see that then… (Listens) January 15th? (Chandler dances.) We’ll see you then! (Listens) Okay!
(She hangs up the phone and they hug.)
End
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