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老友记第八季806 The One With The Halloween Party

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行了, 这是嫩煎的.这块是半生熟的.去啊, 去, 去!嘿~, 菲比!嘿!嘿, 晚餐怎样?!十分好!只是过来打个招呼!我要走了!噢, 你好.你好.我在餐牌上没有见到有他啊.哦, Tim 这是菲比,菲比, 他是Tim我新请的Sous-Chef(大厨).噢, 那么你是莫尼卡的老板?实际上, 她才是我老板."Sous"是法语 意思是"under."(低层),啊! 我明白了(以为sous-stand=understand).嘿, Tim. 我要一条墨鱼和一份凯撒色拉还有~能拿一下香蒜酱给我吗?好.你-你会做香蒜酱?是啊, 我会.你能说你的香蒜酱是最好的-哦?我也不知道,但我可以说它们做的十分好-哦.好啦~, 还差一条墨鱼和一份凯撒色拉.你的项链很好看.噢~ 我自己做的.你很有天分啊.是吗, 它又不是香蒜酱.够了, 够了, 你们能不能先不要搭讪啊~?你是单身的, 你是单身的.,他十一点钟就下班.她会等你的电话的.我会给你她的电话我只想要一条墨鱼和一份凯撒色拉!我没有大叫. 我没有抓狂.F*R*I*E*N*D*S翻译:兆桓for蚊兰最好的六人行网站http://www.topcmm.com/friends/805:瑞秋有约哇, 宾.在开夜车啊.先生~你知道我为人的.喔, 有件事情要问你一下.你知道怎样才能绕开办公室的网络好让我能上黄色网站?你真爱开玩笑, 宾.有什么好笑的?嘿, 对不起 要你久等了.没关系啊.那么, 你有地方想去吗?噢,厄, 我想你知道我想去哪里吧.巨岩咖啡厅?没错.又去?是啊!我告诉你, 我喜欢那里的食物.你是喜欢它里面的小饰物.嘿, Bob.嘿, Toby, 晚上好.刚刚那家伙叫你Toby吗?是的, 他以为那是我的名字.那么, 你为什么不告诉他你的真名?噢, 他已经叫了太久了.他第一次说错的时候我们在走廊里擦肩而过所以我没有说什么然后下一次碰面时他说"嘿, Toby, 你想生个女儿吗?"而~~,我-我想要个女儿.然后五年过去了 女儿影都没有而我仍然是Toby.五年了? 钱德,你一定要给他说他真话.不行, 那会很尴尬的.,而且, 我们在不同的部门工作~.他在六楼办事.所以他也是偶尔叫我一下.有什么关系呢? 他这样叫我.都没有叫我Muriel(女生名字)难听.Muriel.为什么他要叫你Muriel?噢, 不会吧.钱德 M. 宾.中间不只是个 "M."你中间的名字是Muriel!嘘!这是个族名.钱德 Muriel 宾.朋友, 你父母一点机会都不给你呢?德雷克, 我终于知道你头痛和失忆的原因了.是什么?显然是你的大脑移植没有完全成功.看来你的身体在排斥Jessica的大脑.,那严重吗?除非我们从宿主身体中提取出..综合抗体, 然后植入你的身体里面就可以停止你的身体对大脑的排斥了.噢, 听起来好想很简单嘛.我们现在就去做吧.我也想 但当我们去挖掘Jessica尸体的时候发现 她已不在了.停!演的好啊, 你们.好了, 等我换好衣服就去吃饭.哇, Jessica的尸体怎样啦?我不能说的.你要自己看电视.你不知道, 是吧?是啊. 他们忘记了.嘿, 演的很好啊, 伙计.嘿, 你也是.是吗.什么啊? 你不能加入演出的.哦!噢, 不好意思.厄, Cash, 这是我的朋友瑞秋.瑞秋, Cash.Cash, 瑞秋.Hi.Hi.怎么我以前没有在这里见过你的?是啊, 可能乔伊怕我丢他的脸.他以为我是那种“肥皂剧白痴”.其实我不是的,不是的.我知道你最喜欢吃奶油核桃味的冰淇淋还有, 你养的狗的名字叫Wally.哇, 你看,我居然摸到你的手了.我们走啦! 我们走啦.噢~我们走啦.拜, Cash.拜拜.替我问候Wally.噢, 莫尼卡.嗨.哦, 天啊.昨晚我和Tim玩的太高兴了.他人太好了.噢, 我都快等不及要上了.厄... 我, 我一定要解雇他.为什么?因为他太差了. 好了吗?他手脚慢, 他会烧着东西.昨晚他烧到我的糕点师傅.或者他只是紧张而已呢.你知道 你太咄咄逼人了.还有, 我见过你的糕点师~她太不可一世了.是吗, 但她现在眉毛都没有了.他做的很好.但 莫尼卡, 他很喜欢他的工作的.你再给他一次机会吧, 拜托?好吧, 但如果他再烧到人就一定要滚蛋!这很公平.非常感谢你. 谢谢.喔. 看来他烧到糕点师的时候也烧到你了.我花钱去烫的头啊.很好看!嘿.嗨.噢, 告诉你,Cash那天说觉得你很不错.他说你很有魅力呢.噢, 我还以为自己象傻瓜一样呢.嘿, 这点我同意.他还叫我猜 你会不会跟他去约会.噢,噢, 我有点想吐.那你怎么说?我说 不可能.什么?!你怀孕了还会跟人约会吗.好了, 乔伊...首先..Cash Ford-- 不是个普通人.第二, 他知道我怀孕时说了什么?我没有告诉他.我不知道你想不想告诉人家.话说回来Cash只是个普通人.好了, 不要告诉他,只管让他打电话给我, 好吗?我真的觉得这主意...够了, 你就去说吧!我就去摄影棚里和更多演员碰头.我会和他们全部人见面!好吧.嘿, Bob.嘿, 我老朋友Toby今天怎么样啊?如果我见到他就问一下吧.Toby!不, 不, 不, 不, 不.嘿, 嘿, 宾.刚刚跟你聊天的是六楼的Bob吗?是的, 就是他.很好, 你们原来都认识的.我们只是知道对方名字而已.你觉得让他加入我们这一组好吗?Bob?噢. 在这里和我们一起工作?每一天?是啊, 我不知道他做不做的来哦.真的吗?他在六楼很受欢迎的.但这里是十一楼.这里比六楼几乎“高”了一倍.好吧, 我明白你的意思了.Bob会原地不动的.我想这是最好的, sir.但我们要找个人上来帮忙啊.这里都开始忙不过来了.我桌上的文件有这么高了.你知道你该怎么办吗?把它们丢到碎纸机里去假装你没有收到过文件就行了.很好的一个笑话, 宾.为什么这里的人都不信我说的话?- 嘿.- 嘿.好, 我已经给了Tim一次机会了,但他不能再留下了.但是...不. 不, 不.他完全无法胜任这工作.所以, 我打给推荐他的大厨.他说, "哈哈! 你中招啦!"好了, 好了, 但你不能今天解雇他.为什么啊?因为我今天要跟他分手.什么? 你说他人很好的啊.他是很体贴.他体贴过头了!他整天的打电话给我."你自己回家没有问题吧?""你洗完澡没有啊?"那你不要接他的电话就可以啦~.那么他就跑来我家啊."我好担心你啊."厄, 象样一点吧!什么? 所以我现在就不能解雇他?我们不能在同一天里解雇他又和跟他分手.,他可能会去自杀的.我要今天就解雇他,而你和他继续来往一个星期.你在开玩笑吗?和这种笨蛋过一个星期,那我去自杀好了.好吧, 好吧, 那么我们今天一起说,让他自生自灭吧~~.好吧, 但问题是, 谁先去说呢?'谁后说的就成贱人了.为什么这么讲?想一想.老板开除一个刚刚被女友抛弃的人? 贱!那抛弃一个刚刚被老板开除的人呢?金发贱人!我几天前已经想过解雇他了.所以应该我先说,厄, 有点道理呢.厄, 但是...管你的, 我先说!嘿, Toby, 有时间吗?当然, 什么事?我刚开完会.我真的很想调上来这里工作但我刚才收到通知,不可能了.显然 有人觉得我不是在11楼工作的材料.说起来, 厄...钱德到底是哪个混蛋啊?嘿, 你觉得我用哪个借口比较好?我今晚的约会不可以喝酒啊--说我是个接受治疗的酒鬼?说我是摩门教徒 还是我昨晚喝太多了所以到现在还有点醉?- 嘿.- 嗨.嘿.你今晚有地方要去吗?今晚在Angelica电影院会放一部乌克兰电影应该会很好看的.有兴趣吗?不. 没有,但我可以陪你去看一部普通人看的电影.瑞秋, 你要去吗?噢 不行,我有约会.约会?对啊. 为什么这样问,你觉得很奇怪吗?为什么, 不是, 那一点都不奇怪.那 那个, 厄, 很平常.那是 那是... 很世俗的.其实,其实约会很无聊的.约会又不是乌克兰电影.噢, 耳环!约会?她和人约会? 和谁去啊?我介绍给她的和我一起工作的演员.你介绍给她的?不是.乔伊, 你在想什么啊?我以为那应该没有问题,因为罗斯你和瑞秋已经5年没有约会了.乔伊, 我不是担心她.我是担心我的孩子啊.谁和她约会,也就是和我孩子约会.那么,那么 那个"演员"要和她去哪里?嘿! 我也是个"演员"啊.我也不肯定啊. 我想他们坐渡轮去Staten岛上的意大利餐厅吧.坐渡轮?我的BB要上渡轮.你有没有想过这是多么危险的啊?!渡轮不是那种可以载汽车的很大的那种船吗?它们才走5英里每小时吧?为什么他们不跳伞去算了, 哼?很好玩的约会吗.他们可以用火柴互烧.那也很好玩啊. 喔!嘿, 乔伊.嘿, Cash.厄, 嘿, 这是罗斯.罗斯, 他是Cash.嘿.嘿. 我听说你今晚要上渡轮 是吗.没错.没错.你胆子很大嘛~不是吗?嘿, 你们看.你觉得这衣服太低了吗?嗨, Cash.嘿, 瑞秋.嗨.准备好了吗?行了. 好了, 过会见了 伙计.好. 你们玩的高兴一点吧.- 谢谢.- 谢谢.没错, 这衣服太低胸了!嗨.嗨.很高兴你打电话给我.我老觉得只有我打电话给你.有什么事吗?菲比没有什么事吧?快有了, 很快.听我说--Tim, 你真是一个很好很好的人.那是因为我和你在一起.嗷.我现在的感觉,就象是在生命中...噢. 对不起.你说吧.噢, 是餐厅的急召.莫尼卡要马上见到我呢.噢, 哦, 不, 她不要你!我知道是什么回事. 你可以留下来的.嗷. 我也会惦着你的, 菲比.我会在这里....想着你的.有什么电影想看的吗?不要再挑外语片了(有字幕), 好吗?我看书都已经够难受了.看书?对啊, 汽车杂志, 娱乐新闻啊...已经够我受了!你知道吗, 不如我们, 厄...干脆我们留在这里吧?我们不用去看电影了;我们就呆在这里.在这里等瑞秋约会回来?嘿, 如果你想这样做, 我不反对.老兄, 你怎么啦?我只想... 我要知道她约会得怎样了.为什么?这个男的可能会成为我孩子的继父啊.他们才出去约会一次你就担心他们会结婚?他又不是你!我只是... 我... 我无法相信...她去约会了.嘿, 罗斯, 你觉得她接着会怎么做?我不知道啊.我想我无法接受这种事实.你-意思是?我经常这样想, 当我有了第二个孩子,一切都会不一样.你知道的, 我-我爱我儿子Ben但每次我都要把他送回Carol和Susan家里...那时候, 我真的有点感伤.我是说, 在我的脑海里经常会闪现我和我下一个妻子靠在床上我的孩子跑过来扑上床然后我们一起读报纸, 你明白吗?又或者争论科学问题.你的想法很好啊.你或许还有这样的机会.不, 不, 我没机会了.你看 瑞秋和别人去约会了.而且我的孩子也跟着去了.那个美好画面离我而去了.嘿, 我可以问你个问题吗?,在... 在你那想法里...你的妻子是瑞秋吗?以前是这样想的.现在-现在 我妻子的样子很模糊了.而且, 身体也是模糊的.形容得好.是了, 但那个脸孔,那个脸孔不是瑞秋.是, 但... 啊~~,如果还是她就好了.是, 我知道, 但我不觉得她也会这样想.不, 我也不想要这样.我不能迫自己再爱上她.好了, 罗斯,或者你的想法要换一下了. 好吗?事情不会象你幻想的一样发展,但不管怎样,你都会有一个新生的孩子.你的孩子.你怎么想已经不重要了.对哦.嘿, 告诉你.我们两个出去找点乐子吧, 好吗?随你喜欢. 走啊.我们还可以赶去看那部乌克兰电影.不行, 我说找乐子.嘿, Toby.嘿, Bobby.我名字叫 "Bob"嘿, 你在这里工作的.可以告诉我那个钱德.宾的办公室在哪里吗?厄... 可以啊.那个房间在... 在-在那边...那里.对了. 你找他, 干嘛?我想找那混蛋谈谈,看他脑子出什么毛病.好, Bob, 你听着, 那个...其实是我让你无法上来这工作的.Toby, 不要.Bob...Toby, 我不想你替他辩护.你刚才说的话只会让我更讨厌那钱德.是吗, 这么说让我很为难啊.- 嘿.- 嘿. 我收到传呼. 有什么事吗?厄, 这, 那取决于你和菲比的感情如何?噢, 十分好.十分好. 非常感谢你撮合我们.哦, 这是我的荣幸.好吧, 那我有个坏消息要告诉你.菲比!莫尼卡!- 我...- 我要和你分手!- 你被解雇了!什么?我-我要跟你分手.,我要炒你鱿鱼.为-为什么?对不起, 我真, 我...我还没有准备好跟人认真建立关系.,我也很抱歉, 但是...,我只是, 我喜欢的事无法改变而我们的性情格格不入.噢, 这句好.我们的性格也不合.哇.唔, 那好.唔...我-我-我-我知道我有点过火但那只是因为你实在太完美了.还有, 厄,我只是想... 我只想说我很感激你给我这个机会...你是我见过的最厉害的大厨.无论如何...Tim, 等等.什么事?厄... 我想我决定得太快了.这工作肯定有个适应期的,或者...或者我们可以再试试看.真的吗?没错.很感谢你, 我知道我可以做得更好的.好吧.还有, Tim... 我只想说祝你好运.你好.嗨.那约会怎么样?那个嘛, 我现在独自一人拿着15块钱的棒棒糖.你认为会怎样?厄 呵.发生什么事了?我不小心告诉他我怀孕了.喔, 他, 厄, 无法接受?噢,他接受能力比你强.但是, 还是不能接受.哦?是啊 他马上变的怪怪的,喷着口水说,"是了,我的痔疮发作了."他说的真恶心.是吗?嘿, 你想... 你想听个有趣的事吗?当然啊.- 坐下.- 好.猜猜谁的名字中有Muriel.钱德 M. 宾.对-没错.噢, 不会吧.我真的替你约会的事难过.嗷, 没关系的.我想我的约会史要就此结束了.就象生命中又有一件事情彻底改变了.太难接受了.对, 我也知道.换个角度说, 大约... 大约再过七个月你就会拥有一个孩子她比起你以前约会过的人重要得多.等一下吧.一直等到, 唔...一直等到她能抓住你的手指头.只是你还不知道.谢谢你, 亲爱的.你, 哦, 你要去喝杯咖啡吗?噢, 不用了. 我想要回家吃掉10根棒棒糖.嘿, 我-我还以为我把你心情搞好了.噢, 是啊-- 这里面有20根糖呢.(我只吃10根)是吗.晚安.晚安.罗斯?什么事?嘿, 我是Mona.婚礼上那个啊.噢, 嗨!嗨.哇, 厄... 你好吗?我很好, 不过你还欠我一只舞呢.喔, 没错.是了, 你有兴趣看一场乌克兰电影吗?噢, 你说真的. 当然啦.太好了. 那么, 唔...我, 我想我还要一杯咖啡.好啊, 我请客吧.好的.Bob!Bob!Bob!你在干什么啊?我刚找到的! 这里就是钱德的办公室!来吧, Toby! 帮我忙!
806 The One With The Halloween Party

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Chandler and Monica enter. Oh, and Joey is wearing a FDNY T-shirt to make this the first nod to the tragedy that Friends have made.]
Monica: Hey you guys?
Ross: What?
Monica: I know it’s last minute, but we decided to have a Halloween party.
Phoebe: Oh good! (And there’s general excitement.)
Monica: And everybody has to wear costumes. (And there’s general disconcertment.) Come on! It’ll be fun!
Ross: Well, I’ll-I’ll be there. I mean I have to wear a costume to all my classes that day anyway so…
Rachel: Please tell me you’re not gonna dress up like a dinosaur.
Ross: (exhales sarcastically) Not two years in a row.
Joey: Look, I’ll come to the party but I’m not dressing up.
Monica: You have to!
Joey: No way! Look, Halloween is so stupid! Dressing up, pretending to be someone you’re not…
Chandler: You’re an actor!
Monica: So Ross, are you gonna bring Mona?
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, I think I will.
Joey: That hot girl from their wedding?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Well hey-hey if she needs any idea for costumes, she could be a bikini model, or a slutty nurse, or a sexy cheerleader huh—Ooh-ooh, Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre—No-no-no! Slutty Leatherface.
Phoebe: Now wasn’t Joey hitting on her at the wedding too?
Ross: That’s right! He was hitting on her, and I got her. I guess the better man won. (To Joey) Please don’t take her from me.
Opening Credits
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking down it and passes Ursula.]
Phoebe: Ursula! (Ursula turns, smiles, and continues walking.) Wait! Err-err, it’s me! Phoebe!
Ursula: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay, bye-bye. (Starts to walk again.)
Phoebe: Wait a second! So, what’s new with you?
Ursula: Umm, nothing. I mean, I’m getting married next week.
Phoebe: What?!
Ursula: Yeah! Yeah, it’s gonna be a small ceremony. Just family. (Phoebe looks at her.) His.
Phoebe: Huh. Okay. Well, I’m really happy for you. (Starts to walk away.)
Ursula: Wait! If umm, if you want to come, I guess that’d be okay.
Phoebe: Really?
Ursula: Sure! Why not? You could be my sister for the day.
Phoebe: Yeah. Okay. Umm, y’know, my friends are having a Halloween party tonight at my old apartment so, you could come. Maybe I could meet the guy you’re marrying.
Ursula: Huh. Well, I’m supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight. I’m supposed to be working right now, so who cares.
Phoebe: By the way, it’s a costume party.
Ursula: Oh! Okay, so that’s why you’re… (Motions to what she’s wearing.)
Phoebe: (looks down) No. But thanks. (Walks away.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, The Halloween party has started. Monica is setting out some food as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hi!
Monica: Wait! You’re supposed to wear a costume!
Rachel: I am! I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress and she wants to wear it, because soon she won’t be able to fit into it.
Monica: Oh.
Rachel: Ahh!
Monica: I’m Catwoman, who wants to borrow the dress when you’re too big for it.
Rachel: Okay.
(There’s a knock on the door.)
Kids: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Oh! Oh! Can I give out the candy? I really want to be with the kids right now. Y’know, ever since I got pregnant I-I have the strongest maternal instincts.
Kids: Trick or treat!!
Rachel: (to them) Just a minute!!! (She takes the candy and opens the door to two parents, a witch, a clown, and a cowgirl.) Look at you guys! Wow! You are a very scary witch. (Gives her candy.)
Witch: Thank you.
Rachel: And you are a very funny clown. (Gives him candy.)
Clown: Thank you.
Rachel: (to the cowgirl) And you are so in style right now. Y’know, I work at Ralph Lauren and the whole fall line has got this like equestrian theme going on. I don’t suppose you saw the cover of British Vogue, but…
Cowgirl: (interrupting) Can I just have the candy?
Rachel: Yeah. Sure. (Throws some in her bag and she walks away as Phoebe, dressed as Supergirl walks up and eyes Monica who eyes her back.)
Phoebe: Ah, Catwoman. So we meet again.
Monica: So we do Supergirl.
Phoebe: No, it’s me. Phoebe!
Chandler: (entering from the bedroom wearing a big, pink bunny costume) Monica! Can I talk to you for a second? Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume…
Rachel: (To Monica) Oh, you did this to him?
Monica: What?! I thought he’d love it! His favorite kid's book was the Velveteen Rabbit!
Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white!
Monica: Well, it was either a pink bunny or no bunny at all.
Chandler: No bunny at all!! Always no bunny at all!!!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Monica: You didn’t dress up either?!
Joey: Yes I did! I’m Chandler. (Looks at Chandler) Dude, what happened?
Chandler: How is that me?
Joey: Okay. I’m Chandler (makes a growling/gurgling sound at the end and the girls laugh.)
Phoebe: (To Chandler) That is so you!
Chandler: When have I ever done that?!
Joey: When have I ever done that?! (And does the sound again.)
(There’s a knock on the door.)
Girl: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Oh! (Opens the door to reveal a ballerina) Well you’re just the prettiest ballerina I’ve ever seen.
Ballerina: Thank you. (Pirouettes.)
Rachel: Oh wow! That deserves another piece of candy.
Ballerina: Thank you. (Does another ballerina move.)
Rachel: Well, I have to say that earns tutu pieces of candy.
Ballerina: I love you! (Hugs Rachel.)
Rachel: Ohh… Oh, honey here. Take it all. (Pours the entire large bowl into her bag and closes the door.) Monica! We need more candy?
Monica: What?! There’s only been like four kids.
Rachel: Yeah I know, but one of them just said that she loved me so I just gave her everything.
Phoebe: No wonder your pregnant.
Ross: (entering) Hey! (He’s wearing a costume as well.)
Rachel: Hey.
Monica: What are you supposed to be?
Ross: Remember the Russian satellite, Sputnik? (They all look at him.) Well, I’m a potato or a…spud. And these are my antennae. (Points to the colander with an old TV antenna glued on top that he’s wearing.) So Sputnik, becomes… (They’re still confused) Spud-nik. Spudnik!
Chandler: Wow! I don’t have the worst costume anymore!
Joey: (sees Ross) Hey all right, Ross came as doody.
Ross: No, I-I’m not doody.
Monica: No, space doody!
(Joey gives him the okay symbol, and Ross rushes towards him to be stopped by Chandler. Meanwhile, Phoebe goes over to the snack table as some guy, which turns out to be Ursula's fiancée Eric, walks in and smacks her butt.)
Eric: Aren’t you gonna give me a kiss?
Phoebe: Okay, I will. But right after you tell me who the hell you are.
Eric: Ursula?
Phoebe: Ursula’s fiancée?
Eric: Oh my God, you’re the sister!
Phoebe: Yeah.
Eric: Okay, I just slapped my future sister-in-law’s ass.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Eric: I’m an idiot. Uh, is your mother here? Maybe I can give her a little slap on the butt.
Phoebe: My mother killed herself.
Eric: She, now I knew that and…now I’m sweating. Look at me, I’m really sweating—Now I’m saying, "Look at me," I’m getting even sweatier. I think I probably should go.
Phoebe: No-no! That’s okay, we’ll just start over. Okay? Hi! I’m Phoebe.
Eric: Eric. (They shake hands and he’s squinting. And, no, it’s not me.)
Phoebe: Why are you looking at me like that?
Eric: ‘Cause the sweat’s getting in my eyes and its burning.
Phoebe: Okay. (Hands him a napkin.) So, what are you?
Eric: I don’t think they have a name for it. It’s just I get nervous; I start sweating like crazy.
Phoebe: (laughs) No I-I meant your costume.
Eric: Oh umm, I’m the solar system. (He’s wearing a black sweater with the planets glued on around the sun.) Yeah, my students helped me make it—I teach the second grade.
Phoebe: I love the second grade!
Eric: Really?
Phoebe: Yeah! It’s so much better than first grade when you don’t know what’s going on and definitely better than third grade. Y’know with all the politics and mind games.
Eric: So what do you do?
Phoebe: Umm, I’m a masseuse…by day. (Stands with her hands on her hips like a Supergirl pose.)
Eric: Y’know you don’t have to stand here with me, believe me…
Phoebe: No I’m having fun. I’m really—And I’m really-really excited for you and Ursula.
Eric: Oh I feel very lucky, she’s great. I think she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
Phoebe: Thank you.
[Time lapse, Monica is going over to talk to Joey.]
Monica: Hey Joey?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: You read comic books right?
Joey: Exclusively.
Monica: Who do you think would win in a fight, Catwoman or Supergirl?
Joey: Catwoman, hands down.
Monica: Yeah…
Joey: But between you and Phoebe, I’d have to give the edge to Phoebe.
Monica: What?! Really?!
Joey: Are you kiddin’? Phoebe lived on the street. Okay? Plus, she’s got this crazy temper. She—She’s not standing right behind me is she?
Monica: No you’re fine. (Joey checks anyway.) All right well, do you think I could take Rachel?
Joey: I’m not sure.
Monica: What?! Come on I am tough! Punch me right here! (Her stomach) As hard as you can!
Joey: Will you relax?! What are you taking this so seriously for? It doesn’t matter.
Monica: Oh really? Okay? Well what would you say if I told you that, y’know, Ross or Chandler could beat you up?
Joey: I would say, "Woman, please!"
Phoebe: (walking over) Hey. Ursula’s fiancée is really sweet! He’s a teacher, he does all this volunteer work. Y’know normally y’know, I don’t like really sweaty guys. But this one? I could just mop him up!
Monica: Oh my God, Phoebe!
Phoebe: What?
Monica: You’re getting a crush on your sister’s fiancée.
Phoebe: No I’m not! You are!
Joey: (To Monica) Here comes the temper.
(There’s a knock on the door and Rachel opens it to a little girl.)
Girl: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Hi! Y’know what honey, we’re actually out of candy right now. But someone just went out to get some and I have been giving out money but I’m out of that too. Hey, can I write you a check?
Girl: Okay!
Rachel: Okay, what’s your name?
Girl: Lelani Mayolanofavich.
Rachel: Okay, I’m just gonna write this out to cash.
Mona: (entering) Hi!
Rachel: Hey Mona!
Chandler: Oh! Hi!
Mona: Hi!
Chandler: Joey’s gonna be thrilled! He was hoping you’d come by as a slutty nurse.
Mona: Umm, actually I’m just a nurse.
Chandler: You’d think that would embarrass me, but you see I’m maxed out.
Ross: Hey!
Mona: Hi!
Ross: You made it!
Mona: Wait-wait! You’re umm, you’re a potato…
Ross: Well, I’m a spud…
Mona: And the antennae…Oh my God you’re Spudnik!
Ross: Yes!
Chandler: (To Ross) Marry her.
[Cut to Joey and Monica.]
Joey: Okay, here’s a good one for ya. Who do think would win in a fight between Ross and Chandler.
Monica: I can’t answer that! Chandler’s my husband.
Joey: So Ross?
Monica: Yeah.
[Cut to Phoebe and Eric.]
Eric: Hey beautiful.
Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in shame as they kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet?
Eric: Two weeks ago.
Phoebe: Two weeks? That’s it?
Eric: Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, and it’s not like me to do something so impulsive, but she’s just so perfect, and we have so much in common.
Phoebe: Oh really?
Eric: We’re both teachers.
Phoebe: Huh? (Ursula motions for Phoebe to keep quiet.)
Eric: And we were both in the Peace Corps.
Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? (Ursula motions, "I don’t know.")
Eric: In fact when we were building houses in Uruguay, we were, we were just two towns apart and we never met.
Ursula: Yeah. It wasn’t a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left. (To Eric) Shall we get me really drunk?
Eric: Sure.
(They walk away.)
[Cut to Mona and Ross walking past Chandler.]
Chandler: Howdy doody.
Ross: That’s funny. Yeah. Y’know you’re the funniest man here in a pink bunny costume his wife made him wear.
Chandler: Oh relax man, relax. You’re looking a little flushed.
Joey: (To Monica) Hey-hey-hey, I think we might find out the answer to our question.
Chandler: What question?
Joey: Monica and I were talking about who could kick whose ass in a fight, you or Ross?
Chandler: There’s no question.
Joey: So you think Ross too?
(Monica turns around slowly.)
Chandler: (To Monica) You picked Ross?!
Monica: Ross is really strong! Okay, he’s the strongest out of all three of you! (Joey looks at her.) Except for Joey.
Chandler: I cannot believe you didn’t pick me.
Ross: Uh, in her defense, she’s right. I am stronger. I would destroy you.
Chandler: Oh really?! You think you’re stronger? Why don’t you prove it? (He pushes Ross who starts to fall backwards until Mona catches him.)
Ross: Oh I’ll prove it! I’ll prove it like a theorem!!
(They start to fight with Ross pulling on Chandler’s ears and Chandler hitting Ross over the head with his carrot.)
Monica: Wait-wait!! Okay, stop it! Stop it! Stop! (Breaks it up.) Now listen, no one’s gonna fight in this apartment.
Joey: Hey Monica! (Grabs her and pulls her into the living room.) People came to see a fight, let’s give ‘em what they came for!
Mona: Hey, you guys could arm wrestle.
Joey: Yeah. Listen to the slutty nurse.
Chandler: (To Ross) You’re going down.
Ross: Oh yeah? You’re going further down! Downtown!
Joey: Seriously guys, the trash talk is embarrassing.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the party continues with Rachel leaning on the counter as Gunther walks in carrying candy.]
Rachel: Oh Gunther! You brought candy! Thank you so much for picking this up! You are so sweet.
Gunther: Really?
Rachel: Honey, someday you are gonna make some man the luckiest guy in the world.
(There’s a knock on the door.)
Kid: Trick or treat!
Rachel: Gotta go! (Opens the door to a boy in a cape.) Hi! Wow! There you go! (Hands him some candy.)
Boy in the Cape: My friend Lewis told me you were giving out money.
Rachel: Oh yeah, we were but umm, now we’ve got candy.
Boy in the Cape: I’d rather have the money.
Rachel: Well, that-that’s not your choice. Happy Halloween!
Boy in the Cape: This isn’t fair.
Rachel: Well is it fair that all you did was put on a cape and I gotta give you free stuff?
Boy in the Cape: Shut up!
Rachel: You shut up!
(The gang gets interested now.)
Boy in the Cape: You can’t tell me to shut up!
Rachel: Uh, I think I just did. And uh-oh, here it comes again. Shut up!
Joey: Rach?
Rachel: (To Joey) Yeah I know—I’m good—I got it! (Joey slowly backs away.) (To the boy) Now wait a minute, I’ve got one more thing I have to say to you…oh right! Shut up!
Boy in the Cape: You’re a mean old woman. (Runs away.)
Rachel: No! Wait no! Shut up—I mean don’t cry! Let me get my checkbook! (Grabs her checkbook and runs after him.)
[Cut to Mona and Joey clearing the dining room table for the grudge match between Chandler and Ross.]
Monica: (To Chandler) Look honey, you don’t have to do this, okay? It’s the strength you have inside that means the most to me. You’re loyal, you’re honest, and you have integrity! That’s the kind of strength that I want in the man that I love!
Chandler: That means nothing to me. (To Ross) Come on!
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe is exiting Monica and Chandler’s, and finds Ursula standing in the hallway smoking.]
Phoebe: Hi liar!
Ursula: Hey!
Phoebe: Y’know the only reason he’s marrying you is because he thinks all the things you were saying about yourself were true.
Ursula: Well they could be true.
Phoebe: But they’re not!
Ursula: Yeah, it’s a fine line huh?
Phoebe: Why are you lying to him?
Ursula: I don’t know. He said he did all this stuff and then I said I did it too and he got so excited, it was really fun.
Eric: (entering) Honey?
Ursula: (waving the cigarette in Phoebe’s face) It’s a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now!
Eric: She’s helped so many people to quit smoking.
Ursula: Y’know, we’d really better get going.
Eric: Oh right, you’ve got a church group meeting tonight.
Ursula: Right. (Walks down the stairs.)
Eric: (To Phoebe) Well, it was nice meeting you.
Phoebe: You too. And Ursula?! It was really nice meeting you tonight!!
Joey: (entering) Pheebs come on! Bunny vs. Doody! We’re waiting! (They go inside.) (To Chandler and Ross.) Okay. Okay guys, one match, winner take all. (They grasp each other’s hand in preparation for battle.) Oh wait-wait! What does the winner get?
Ross: Pride.
Chandler: And dignity.
Joey: (laughing) Okay, if you say so. All right, ready? Set! Go!
(They start wrestling, only they are unable to move either one’s arm despite a huge strain on their faces and a cheering crowd.)
[Time Lapse: the crowd has left and only Mona, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are still watching to see who will be able to move the other’s arm first. An event that has yet to happen.]
Mona: (To Joey) Wow! They’re both really strong.
Joey: Or equally weak.
Monica: (To Phoebe) Oh God!
Phoebe: Hmm?
Monica: Chandler’s making his sex face.
(Basically Chandler’s face looks like he’s not all there and is staring off into the distance…)
Ross: (To Chandler) So, you gettin’ tired?
Chandler: Nope! I can do this all day.
Ross: Yeah? Me too. (Pause) Gettin’ a little tired though.
Chandler: God, I’m exhausted.
Ross: Look this is starting to look really bad for me. Okay? Mona, Mona’s standing right over there. (Looks behind him.) Oh God, she’s talking to Joey! You gotta let me win!
Chandler: No way! If anything you’ve gotta let me win! My wife thinks I’m a wimp!
Ross: Hey, at least you have a wife! I-I keep getting divorces and knockin’ people up! And I’m dressed as doody.
Chandler: You’re Spudnik.
Ross: Come on, who are we kidding? I’m doody. Please? She’s watchin’.
Chandler: Fine. (He lets Ross win.) Oh no!
Ross: (celebrating) Oh yeah!
Mona: (clapping) Yay! My hero!
Joey: (to her) You’re a weird lady.
Eric: (entering) Hey. Ursula said she left her purse.
Phoebe: Oh.
Eric: (finds it) What a relief. It has all the numbers of the people in her prayer chain.
Phoebe: Sure it does. Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Well, I guess I’ll see you at the wedding. (Exits and Phoebe follows him into the hall.)
Phoebe: Umm listen, I don’t think…I don’t think I’m gonna make it to the wedding. So I just want to wish you all the luck in the world.
Eric: I think we’ll be okay. Besides it’s so perfect and (whispering) she’s been saving herself for me.
Phoebe: Okay I can’t let you do this! She’s lying to you.
Eric: What?
Phoebe: She is lying! And I bet I can prove it. Excuse me. (She grabs Ursula’s purse and starts going through it and finds some papers.) Okay. Okay. Yeah—Not a prayer chain, but what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan. (Holds up her nametag.) Okay, here’s the nametag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress! Not a teacher, a waitress. All right, here’s her driver license, this oughta be good, she always lies about this. How old did she say she was?
Eric: She told me she was 25.
Phoebe: Oh, I almost don’t want to show this. (Hands it to him.) Just remember I’m a minute younger.
Eric: I am so stupid. Of course she was lying! She’s not a teacher. There’s not such a thing as the top secret elementary school for the children of spies.
Phoebe: No. You’re not, you’re not stupid.
Eric: I’m not smart. (Phoebe has no comeback.) I just wanted so much to…be impulsive once. To be romantic.
Phoebe: That’s good, you should be impulsive and you should be romantic. Just…you did it with the wrong person. (He looks at her.) What?
Eric: It’s just so weird, two people look so much alike, and so different.
Ursula: (yelling from downstairs) Eric!! Let’s go!!
Eric: I’d better go, deal…
Phoebe: Yeah, you should. (They shake hands.)
Ursula: Hurry up I gotta pray!!
(Phoebe hands Eric Ursula’s purse and he walks away.)
[Time Lapse: Rachel is returning from chasing down the boy in the cape.]
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Hey! Well, I had to give the kid fifty bucks to stop crying.
Joey: That’s not so bad.
Rachel: No, I also had to go to a couple houses with him as his girlfriend. Oh, I am just awful with children!
Joey: Come on! You’re good with kids. They’re just crazy on Halloween. Y’know, they’re all greedy and hopped up on sugar!
Rachel: Really? You think that’s all it is?
Joey: Absolutely! Halloween is the worst. Except for Christmas…and their birthdays. Kinda get a little crazy during the summer too. And anytime they’re hungry or sleepy. Y’know, kids are tough. Good luck with that. (Walks away.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Monica are standing in the kitchen.]
Monica: Look, I wanted to tell I’m-I’m sorry you lost.
Chandler: Listen, I’ve got a secret for ya. I let him win.
Monica: (laughs) Is that a secret or a lie.
Chandler: No, I let him win—Ross!
Ross: Yeah?
Chandler: Would you tell her I let you win please?
Ross: Oh. Yeah. (Sarcastically) Uh Chandler let me win. No, Chandler’s really strong. Oh my arm is so sore. Oh nurse! (Waddles over to Mona.)
Chandler: I am strong! I’ll show you! (He sits down at the table.)
Monica: Chandler please!
Chandler: Oh what’s the matter? Are you scared?
Monica: Let’s go big bunny!
(They assume the starting position.)
Chandler: Okay. 1…2…3—Go! (Once again he’s at a stalemate, but this time he’s in pain.) (Pause) I’m gonna kill myself!
End
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