嘿，诸位，猜猜看！啥？我知道宣布得迟了不过我们打算开一个万圣节派对。- 哦，好呀。- 太棒了。是个化装派对哦。别这样，会很有趣的。好吧，我参加。我是说，反正我那天都得在所有学生面前化装，所以也就……答应我你不要打扮成恐龙。怎么可能两年都这样。我参加，但我不化装。你不化不行。不干。我说，万圣节好蠢哦。盛装打扮，假装你是别人？你是演员哪。对了，罗斯，你会带摩娜来对吧？是啊，是啊，我会带她来的。是他们婚礼上那个辣妹吗？没错。嘿，我可以给她一些参加化装舞会的建议。她可以扮比基尼模特，风骚护士，或者性感的啦啦队队长。哦，哦，她可以装成《鬼驱人第三集》里那个德州电锯杀人狂！不对，不对，应该是风骚杀人狂。婚礼上乔伊不是也迷上她了吗？答对了。他就是迷上人家了。但是我得到了她。好男人赢得了青睐。请不要横刀夺爱。哦，乌苏拉。哦。等一下，是……是我——菲比。哦，我还以为那儿是面镜子呢。好吧，再见。别急着走。嗯，近况如何？嗯，没什么特别的。我嘛，下星期要结婚了。你说什么？是这样，会有一个小型的仪式，只有家属参加，他的家属。哈。就这样吧。好的，真替你高兴。等一下。如果…如果你愿意参加的话，你可以来。真的？当然啦，为什么不呢？你当天可以充当我的妹妹嘛。对啊。好吧。嗯，对了，我的朋友们今晚要在我以前住那所公寓开万圣节派对，你来不来参加。届时我可以和你未婚夫见个面。嗯，不过呢，我今晚要去餐厅上班。现在也是我的上班时间。- 让工作见鬼去吧！- 好。忘了说了，是化装派对。哦，行，怪不得你穿成这样……不是的！不过谢谢你。你好。等等，你怎么没有化装呢？我有啊。我买衣服花了太多钱，得赶紧穿，不然身材走样可就穿不了了。哦，我扮猫女郎……我想在你发福以后借你的裙子来穿。好啊。不给糖就捣蛋！哦，哦，我来给他们发糖怎么样？现在我特别想跟孩子们相处。怀孕激发了我的母爱本能。不给糖就捣蛋！别吵！等会儿！你们多可爱！哇哦，你扮女巫好吓人呢。多可爱的小丑。你呢……你的打扮正合潮流走向哦。我在拉夫·劳伦公司上班的，我们整个秋季的主题都是骑士系列。你还没看过英国版《时尚杂志》的封面吧……就给我糖不行吗？好吧。给。啊，猫女郎，我们又见面了。是啊，女超人。是我呀，菲比。莫妮卡, 我能和你谈谈吗？听着，我谢谢你帮我准备服装。你给他弄的？不会吧？我以为他会喜欢的。他最喜欢的儿童书就是《天鹅绒兔》啦.天鹅绒兔是棕色和白色的。可是，也可以是粉红色的兔宝宝或者不像兔子嘛。就是不像兔子。一点都不像！嘿。你也不化装？我化了啊。我装成钱德.花花公子，怎么啦？你哪一点像我？好吧。钱德来啦。哦，太像你啦！我几时这样来着？我几时这副怪样了？不给糖就捣蛋！哦！哦，天哪，你是我见过最漂亮的芭蕾女郎。谢谢。哦，哇喔。我再给你一块糖。谢谢。好吧，我得多给你几块才行。我爱你。哦，哦！啊……哦，宝贝，给你，全给你吧。莫妮卡, 糖不够发了。什么？才招待了四个小孩子呢。没错，我知道，可是刚才有个小孩说她爱我，所以我全都给她了。怪不得你会弄大肚子。嘿。嘿。你这是演哪出啊？还记得苏联发射的第一颗人造地球卫星史泼尼克吗？我是一个土豆，或者叫我马铃薯。我头上还戴着天线。所以，史泼尼克就是……史泼尼克！史泼尼克。哇，我不是化装最滥的了。嘿，算了！罗斯扮嘟迪来啦。我可不是什么嘟迪。他是宇宙嘟迪。天哪！嘿，甜心。哦。不吻我一下吗？哦我会的，但你先得告诉我你究竟是谁。乌苏拉？乌苏拉的未婚夫?天哪，你是她妹妹。没错。我刚刚拍了我未来小姨子的屁股。是啊。我真是大笨蛋。你妈妈在这儿吗？也许我也该拍拍她的屁股。我妈自杀了。啊，这事我原本是知道的……我大汗淋漓。你瞧我，我都汗流浃背了。我是说，我有点语无伦次；你瞧瞧我 —— 汗如雨下。我看我最好走了。别，没关系的。我们重新来过好了。你好，我叫菲比。呃，我叫艾力克。你为啥这样看人？因为我眼睛里全被汗水糊住了。谢谢。擦一下。你这叫？不知道我这个状态有没有正式的名字？我很紧张，像疯子一样流汗。不，我是说你的装束。哦，我是……我是一个太阳系。学生们帮我打扮成这样的。我教二年级。我爱死二年级了！真的？是啊！比懵懂无知的一年级好得多啦！而且也比充斥着政治斗争和勾心斗角的三年级好得多！那么，你是做什么的呢？嗯，我是按摩师，白天给人按摩。很好。你没必要一直陪着我。我不勉强，跟你交谈我很愉快。另外我真的，真的为你和乌苏拉开心。我很幸运。她是个好女人。我认为她是我见过最美的女人。谢谢夸奖。- 嘿，乔伊。- 什么？你爱看漫画对吧？我看得多了。那你认为如果打架谁会赢？猫女郎还是女超人？猫女郎有十成的把握。对嘛。但要论你和菲比的话。。。我不得不认为菲比胜算大一点。什么？你这话当真？你开玩笑？菲比和各种人打交道，对吧？她又有股疯劲儿。她……她没站我后边吧？没有，你是安全的。那你说我打得过瑞秋不?难说。什么？！来试试看！我很强！你尽全力给我来一拳！算了，你能不能……轻松点！你这么认真干嘛。没什么大不了嘛。哦，是吗？好吧，如果我说我认为罗斯或者钱德可以揍扁你呢？我会说，“女人，随你怎么说。”嘿，乌苏拉的未婚夫太可爱了。他是个教师，而且做义工。你们都知道，我通常不喜欢可爱型的男人。但他呢，我真想一口把他吃掉。哦，天哪菲比。怎么啦？你居然迷上了你姐姐的未婚夫。不，我没有！你才迷上了他呢！早说过她有股疯劲儿了。不给糖就捣蛋！你好，小宝贝儿，我得告诉你我们的糖发光了，已经派人去买了我呢……可以发钱给你，不过钱包里也没有了。嘿这样好不好，我开张支票给你？好。你的姓名？蕾莱妮·米奥兰芳维琪。好的，我直接写给现金怎么样？- 你好，摩娜。- 嘿。- 你好。- 哦，嘿。乔伊看到你会吓一跳。他猜到你会扮成风骚护士来。嗯，事实上我只是扮成护士。你以为我这副打扮会无地自容，实际上我拿了最高分。- 你好。- 嘿，你来了。等等，你这是，嗯……你装成了土豆。是啊，我是马铃薯……还戴着天线……哦天哪，你是史泼尼克!答对了!娶她。好，我想到一个问题问你。如果罗斯和钱德对打，谁会取胜？我不好说——钱德是我丈夫。那你是说罗斯会嬴咯?是。嘿，美女。哈喽，帅哥。哦，上帝啊。哦，看你们俩。那，你们几时认识的？两周前。就两个星期而已？是啊，听来很疯狂，看不出我这样的人会干出这么冲动的事吧。但她实在太完美，而且我们有太多共同点。哦，是吗？我们都教书。啊？而且我们都参加了和平队。和平队，真的？实际上，当初我们在乌拉圭造房子的时候，我们就隔着两个镇子，却从未见过面。是啊。我到哪儿的时候那里还没建镇呢，我走的时候才算是个镇子。我们来个一醉方休怎么样？好。你好啊，嘟迪。很有趣，有意思。你呢，你的装束是今天派对上最有趣的，他老婆让他穿成这样。轻松点，老兄，放轻松点。你脸红脖子粗。估计我们讨论的问题马上就要见分晓了。你们讨论什么了？莫妮卡和我讨论如果你和罗斯对打谁会占上风。那还用说！就是说你也认为罗斯稳赢咯？你居然选罗斯?!罗斯确实强壮嘛。他是你们三个当中最壮的。乔伊除外。难以置信，你居然不选我。我得替她说两句，她没选错。我强一些，我可以打垮你。哦，真的？你强是吧？那你证明给大家看啊！哦，那我就证明好了！我就要证明这个公理！等一下！够了，别打了！停手！停手！不许在我家打架！嘿，莫妮卡，大家都是来看打架的。让他们打，别让大家失望。说得对!你们俩可以摔跤。对，就听风骚护士的。你完了。你彻底完了。没治了。我说真的，两位，光说不练可叫人尴尬。啊，加瑟，你买糖回来啦。谢谢你买上来。你好可爱。真的？对啊，以后哪个男人碰到你可就有福气了。- 不给糖就捣蛋！你好！哇。给你糖吃。我朋友路易丝说你这里发钱。哦是的，我刚才发钱，但现在我们又有糖了。我宁愿要钱。可，这可由不得你选。万圣节快乐。这不公平。对，你披个斗篷我就得白给你东西这可真是太不公平了。闭嘴。你闭嘴。你没权利叫我闭嘴。呃……我想我就是说了，还有——呃，哦，我还说：闭嘴。呃，瑞秋。没事，我能搞定。我没事，让我自己来。听说，我还有件事要告诉你：哦，就是，闭嘴。你这个吝啬的老女人。哦，别跑。别这样，闭嘴——我是说，你别哭啊。我拿支票簿来了。宝贝，你没必要在乎对吧？是你内在的力量吸引了我。就是说，你忠诚老实，你诚实。这些才是我爱的品质。我不吃这套。来呀！啊。你好啊，骗子。嘿。他信你的鬼话所以才会想要娶你。有可能是真的嘛。可你都是在骗人！对啊，两者有区别对吧？你为什么骗他？不清楚。他说了他的经历我就说我也干过那些事，他惊喜交加，让我觉得很有趣。亲亲？抽烟太丑恶太令人厌恶啦，你赶紧给我戒烟！她帮助了许多人戒烟。我说，我们该走了。晚上你还得上教堂呢。对啊。好吧，很高兴见到你。我也是。还有, 乌苏拉, 今晚见到你真是——太高兴啦。菲比，快来。兔宝宝大战嘟迪。就等你了。好了，好了，听我说。一招定胜负。等一下。奖品是什么？自尊。尊严。好吧，如果你们硬要提升到这个高度的话。好，准备好了吗？好了，开始。嘟迪! 兔宝宝!哇，他们都很强呢。要么是同样的弱。哦，天哪。钱德的表情好象他做爱的时候哦。你累了吧？不累，我整天跟你扳手腕都没问题。是吗，我也不累。我只是有一点点累。神啊，我筋疲力尽。听着，局势对我不利，摩娜... 摩娜就在旁边观战，哦，天啊，她在跟乔伊说话。你得让我赢。等等，无论如何你得让我赢。不然我老婆会以为我没用。嘿，至少你娶到老婆了。我却一再离婚，让人望而却步。而且我还打扮成嘟迪.你是史泼尼克.得了吧，少自欺欺人。我就是嘟迪.求你了，她看着呢。好吧。哦，不会吧。哦，我赢啦！赢啦！你是我的英雄。你真怪。嘿，乌苏拉把包忘在这里了。哦。哦，找到就好。祷告组的所有成员的联系电话都在这里边呢。是啊，对，对。好吧，我们婚礼上见。嗯，我大概不会去……参加婚礼，祝你幸福。我们会幸福的。另外，太完美了，她一直为我守身如玉。算了，我不能眼看你受骗。她在骗你。什么？她撒谎，我可以证明给你看。抱歉。看，你看。并不是什么祷告小组，只是银行地面设计详图。看，这是她在餐厅做女侍的姓名牌。不是什么老师，是个女侍应。好，找到她的驾照了。这下叫她现形，她从来不说真实年龄。她告诉你说她几岁？她说她25。哦，我不该叫你看这个。（意识到此举等于暴露自己的年龄。）你只要记住我比她年轻一分钟就够了。我真傻。她的确在撒谎。她不是教书的。天方夜潭，她怎么可能在高度保密的小学里教小孩当间谍呢。不，你不傻。但我也不聪明。我只是平生头一次想跟着感觉走，想浪漫一点。那很好啊。你可以跟着感觉走，你可以罗曼蒂克。只不过……只不过你遇人不淑罢了。怎么了？奇怪，两个外表如此相象的人……内在却千差万别。艾力克,该走啦！那我走了。好，你走吧。快点！我还要去祷告呢！嘿。嘿。我不得不给了那孩子50块，他才不哭了。那还不坏嘛。我还不得不装成他女朋友陪他兜了一大圈。哦，我应付不了小孩。别这么说，你擅长跟小孩打交道。小孩子就是万圣节时玩得疯一点，贪得无厌的索要糖果。是吗？仅此而已？没错，万圣节时最糟。圣诞节除外，那时他们更疯一点。他们的生日也够呛。嗯……夏天他们也不老实。还有饿了或者困了的时候，也安分不了。是啊，小孩子难对付。祝你好运。我想告诉你，你输了我好遗憾。听着，告诉你一个秘密。我高抬贵手让他，他才赢的。这是秘密吗？还是谎言？不，真是我让他的！- 罗斯!- 在。你可否告诉她是我让你赢的。哦是啊，呃，钱德让我赢的。钱德好强壮哦。哦，我的胳膊快断了……哦，护士！我就是强壮。我证明给你看。钱德, 别这样。哦，怎么了。怕了吧？放马过来吧，兔宝宝！一，二，三，开始！我要自杀。
807 The One With The Stain
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is sitting in the living room as Monica enters.]
(Monica notices something.)
Monica: Oh my God! You cleaned! (Gasps) Look at these floors! You did the windows! Oh, I have been begging you for months and you did! You cleaned! And nagging works!
Chandler: Y’know uh, I didn’t actually do this.
Monica: Oh no, was I cleaning in my sleep again?
Chandler: No, it wasn’t you.
Monica: Well then who?
Chandler: I got a maid. Yay!
Monica: (shocked) I hope by maid you mean mistress, because if some other woman was here cleaning then…
Chandler: Uh honey, I know you don’t like to relinquish control…
Monica: Oh, relinquish is just a fancy word for lose!
Chandler: Look, she’s really nice. Okay? And she mentioned that she adored the way that you arranged the sponges.
Monica: Did she really say that?
Chandler: Yes, I distinctly remember ‘cause I thought it was a joke. Now just give her a chance, okay?
Monica: Fine, I can do it. (Gets anxious.) Whew.
Chandler: What’s the matter?
Monica: Well, usually when I’m this anxious, I clean!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there as someone’s cell phone starts to ring with one of those fancy ring tones.]
Phoebe: (looking around) Who’s cell phone is that? It’s just so annoying; everywhere you go.
Ross: I think it’s coming from your bag.
Phoebe: (checks) I never get calls!! (Answers the phone) Hello?
Eric: Hi, it’s Eric. From the Halloween party, Ursula’s fiancée.
Phoebe: Oh my God Eric hi! Wait, how’d you get this number?
Eric: Oh, I have a friend who’s a cop and he got it for me.
Phoebe: Wow! What an incredible violation—and wonderful surprise.
Eric: Uh listen, I just—I thought you should know I broke up with Ursula.
Phoebe: Oh you did? (To Rachel) He did it! He did it!
Rachel: Wow! What did he do?
Phoebe: Shhh! I’m talking.
Eric: Anyway, I was wondering if, you were the sort of person who…eats lunch.
Phoebe: Are you asking me out? ‘Cause it would be kinda weird since you just broke up with my sister.
Eric: Yeah uh…okay. I’m-I’m sorry. Bye.
Phoebe: No! Wait! I was just saying that so you’d think I was a good person. Fight for me.
Eric: Uhh, I won’t take no for an answer.
Phoebe: Not great, but we can work on it at lunch. Okay, I can be at your apartment in two hours.
Eric: Great! But wh-wh—How do you know where I live?
Phoebe: I’ve got friends too. Okay, bye.
(She hangs up.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! I’m going out with Eric! Ooh, this day is really gonna be so much better than I thought it was gonna be. Oh Ross, I can’t make lunch. (Exits.)
Ross: So apparently I’m available for lunch.
Rachel: I can’t. I’m busy. I’m apartment hunting.
Ross: You’re moving?
Rachel: Yeah, I can’t live with Joey once the baby comes. I don’t want my child’s first words to be, (in a baby’s voice) "How you doin’?"
Ross: So does-does Joey know you’re moving?
Rachel: Well, I haven’t discussed it with him yet, but I know he’s gonna be relieved. Last week, he brought this girl over and I started talking to her about morning sickness and then I showed her pictures from my pregnancy book.
Ross: That’s not really porn.
Rachel: Not so much.
Ross: Hey, y’know what and if you’re looking for a place? I just heard in the elevator this morning that a woman in my building died.
Rachel: Oh my God! Was she old? Does she have a view?
Ross: Well I don’t know, but how-how great would that be huh? You living in my building. I could help take care of the baby. I can come over whenever I want. (Rachel looks at him.) With your permission.
Rachel: Yeah that would really be great.
Rachel: Well can we see it?! Oh maybe we shouldn’t. I mean if she just died this morning out of respect.
Ross: Yeah. No. No you’re right.
(Pause as they both take another sip of coffee.)
Rachel: Shall we?
(They both exit.)
[Scene: Ross’s Building, they are approaching the apartment of the woman who died. Ross knocks on the door and a woman answers it.]
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Yes?
Ross: Hi. I’m Ross Geller. I live in the building.
Rachel: And I’m Rachel, an admirer of the building.
Ross: I-I heard about Mrs. Verhoeven passing away and I’m so sorry for your loss.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: She didn’t pass.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: My mother’s still alive.
Ross: Oh, thank God!
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: It looked like we were gonna lose her this morning, but she’s a tough old bird.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Are you close with her?
Ross: Of course! Uh yeah, she and I would talk all the time in-in (Rachel pokes her head in and starts to look around) the laundry room. (Pushes Rachel out of the way.)
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: You speak Dutch? (In Dutch) Zeer vereerd een vriend van mijn moeder te ontmoeten. (Translation: I’m very honored to meet a friend of my mother.)
Ross: Y’know I would it’s just painful.
Rachel: So she’s really not dead.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: No, she’s hanging in there.
Rachel: Hmm. Do you think—Could you tell me if she’s hanging in, in a one bedroom or a two?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is observing the new maid, Brenda, clean.]
Brenda: Mrs. Bing, this tile cleaner is incredible! Where’d you get it?
Monica: Oh well umm, I make it myself! It’s two parts ammonia and one part lemon juice. And now the secret ingredient is…y’know what? We just met.
Brenda: Okay. Uhh, I’m gonna go get the clothes from the laundry room now. And, when I come back I’ll clean behind the refrigerator.
Monica: (To Chandler) I love her.
Brenda: I’ll be back in a minute.
Monica: Okay. (As Brenda exits Monica notices something.)
Chandler: See? I told you.
Monica: She stole my jeans!
Chandler: (pause) What?
Monica: I have been looking for them all week and she is wearing them!
Chandler: So she stole your pants and then she came back and wore them in front of you?
Monica: Don’t you see? It’s the perfect crime!
Chandler: She must’ve been planning this for years!
Monica: I will prove it to you! Okay? About a week ago I was wearing those jeans and I dropped a pen in my lap and it left an ink stain on the crotch. Now when she comes back I will find it and show you that stain!
Chandler: Honey, isn’t it possible that the company that sold the jeans made more than just the one pair?
Monica: I guess.
Chandler: So, shouldn’t we go give her the benefit of the doubt before we go…snooping around her crotch?
Monica: Fine. I’m just glad I didn’t give her my secret ingredient.
Chandler: Out of curiosity, what is your secret ingredient?
Monica: Yeah! (Laughs.)
[Scene: Eric’s Apartment, he’s opening the door to reveal Phoebe.]
Eric: Come in, I’m so glad you’re here.
Phoebe: Yeah, me too. Not in the shaky angry way you are though.
Eric: Sorry, I just saw Ursula. I had to give the engagement ring back.
Eric: Just seeing her brought it all back. All the lies, the way she used me. I just…I got so angry just looking at her…(Looks at Phoebe)…face.
Phoebe: Yeah. (Covers her face with her hand.) Yeah.
Eric: I’m sorry. I just…when I look at you I see her. When I see her I get a little bit angry.
Phoebe: Maybe this is too weird.
Eric: No wait! There’s only a problem when I look at you. (Sits down on the couch.) Oh I got it! I got it. (Puts his hands to his eyes.)
Phoebe: No don’t tear out your eyes!!
Eric: I was just, I was just gonna take out my lenses.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah try that. (He finishes and looks at her.) So, is that better?
Eric: Not really. You…you’re blurry, but you still look like Ursula. You’re Blursula. Okay wait. Maybe…If I-if I just don’t look at you for a while. (Stands up and turns his back to her.) See? It…it works. I’m not, I’m not angry at all anymore! This is a great date!
Phoebe: Look Eric, turn around. (He does so.) Look, I like you, but it shouldn’t be this hard. Y’know? This is our first date y’know? First dates are supposed to be about excitement and electricity and ‘Ooh, he just touched my hand, did he mean to touch my hand?’ and y’know first kisses and…(He kisses her)…second kisses. (Motions for him to kiss her again which he does and they start to make out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is reading some book and Gunther serves him a cup of coffee.]
Ross: Thanks for the coffee, or bedankt voor de koffie, Gunter. (He translates that phrase into Dutch.)
Gunther: Jij spreekt Nederlands? Dat is te gek. Heb je familie daar? (Translation: You speak Dutch That's cool. Do you have relatives there?)
Ross: Yeah, we’re done.
Gunther: Ezel. (Translation: D)
Ross: Ezel? Ezel? Ezel? (Looks it up in his book.)
Joey: (entering) Hey Ross! Listen, do you want to go see that new Imax movie on tide pools?
Joey: (laughs) No. But I got Knicks tickets for you, me, and Chandler.
Joey: All right, well finish your coffee; let’s go.
Ross: Okay I-I just have to stop by my place first.
Joey: To tape the game? You do this every time Ross, you’re not gonna be on TV!
Ross: No-no, I-I have to see if this apartment became available.
Joey: Oh, you’re switching apartments?
Ross: It’s not for me, it’s for Rachel.
Joey: But Rachel has an apartment.
Ross: Yeah, but when the baby comes she’s gonna want to move.
Joey: She is?
Ross: Yeah, you didn’t expect her to live there with a baby did you?
Joey: I guess I didn’t really think about it.
Ross: (finds the word in the book) Ezel! (Reads the translation.) Hey Gunther! You’re an ezel!
Gunther: Jij hebt seks met ezels. (Translation: You have sex with ds.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is sweeping and Monica is sitting at the kitchen table.]
Monica: Nice jeans!
Brenda: Oh thanks! I like your top.
Monica: Oh. (Holds on to it.) (To herself) You’re not gettin’ it.
(Brenda bends down to use the dustpan and Monica leans over to look for the stain, but leans so far over she falls out of the chair.)
Brenda: What happened?!
Monica: Oh, I fell asleep.
Brenda: I was thinking about taking my lunch break.
Monica: Oh, will you do the top of the cabinets? That’ll really work up your appetite for lunch.
Brenda: All right.
(Brenda pulls a chair to the counter and uses it to get up on the counter in order to clean the top of the cabinets. Monica sneaks over, bends over, and tries to see the stain. That doesn’t work so she sticks her head between Brenda’s legs. Suddenly Brenda changes her stance and traps Monica’s head between her legs.)
Brenda: What’s going on?!
Monica: I’m sorry. I’ve never had a maid before, is this not okay?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating pizza as Joey returns from the Knicks game.]
Rachel: How was the game?
Joey: Oh, okay. I…I ate way too much.
Joey: Ooh. (Notices the pizza, grabs a slice, and takes a bite.) So umm, I was talkin’ to Ross and he said you were looking for a new place.
Rachel: Oh yeah! Hopefully across the street if certain Dutch people would just let go.
Joey: I was kinda hoping you’d stay.
Rachel: Oh but Joey, I have to go. There’s no room for a baby here.
Joey: No room? It’s a baby. It’s like this big. (Holds his hands about a foot apart.) Y’know, I mean you-you could you could put it over here. (A desk.) Or-or-or we could put it right here. (The chair.) Aw, it’s cute, right? Or-or we could put it over here. (By the bathroom door.) You wouldn’t even notice it. Where’s the baby? (Mumbles that it’s over in the corner.)
Rachel: Honey, it’s not just a matter of where you put it. I mean a baby changes everything. They cry all the time. I mean imagine bringing home some girl and trying to score when there’s a screaming baby around.
Joey: I could use a challenge! It’s getting pretty easy.
Rachel: Honey, it’s so sweet that you want me to stay, but I-I can’t do that to you. I mean it would disrupt your entire life.
Joey: I love living with you so much. I just wish things didn’t have to change.
Rachel: I know.
Joey: Y’know I blame Ross for this.
Rachel: I do too a little bit.
Joey: I’m gonna miss you, you’re the hottest roommate I ever had.
[Scene: Eric’s Apartment, he and Phoebe are still making out.]
Phoebe: Ooh, oh no! I have to go! I have a massage appointment.
Eric: Oh no, stay here we’ll keep doing this. I’ll pay you.
Phoebe: No, I got in trouble for that before. I’ll see you later.
Eric: Absolutely. (They kiss and Phoebe heads for the door.) I love the way you kiss.
Phoebe: Really? That’s the thing I’m worse at! You’ll see. (Exits.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is shaking out the rugs on the balcony as Monica pouts in the living room.]
Chandler: (entering) Hi!
Monica: Hey! Umm, I think Brenda needs a raise.
Chandler: How come?
Monica: Because I put my head between her legs.
Chandler: To see her pants?
Monica: They’re my pants!
Chandler: Are you sure? Did you see the stain?
Monica: No! I was just getting into position and then everything went dark.
Chandler: God! She is not stealing from us! Okay, will you let this go?
Monica: Fine. (Brenda comes in to use the bathroom and adjusts her pink bra strap on the way.) She’s wearing my bra!
Chandler: Oh dear God!
Monica: My pink flowered bra! I recognize the strap!
Chandler: And yet you don’t recognize that you’re crazy.
Monica: Here’s the plan! Okay? I’m going to leave you get a look at Brenda’s bra!
Chandler: Here’s another plan…No!
Monica: I would do it but she thinks I’m attracted to her!
Monica: Did you not hear where my head was? Come on! Come on we’re a team! We’re in this together!
Chandler: I fear a jury will see it the same way!
Monica: Do this for me! Come on, I catch you looking at woman’s breasts all the time!
Chandler: You see that?
Monica: Do you see this? (Mimics him drooling over a woman’s breasts.)
Chandler: All right. Yes. Okay. I get your point. But if it’s not your bra will you just let the woman clean the apartment?!
Monica: Yes! Absolutely. Okay? Look, you’ll know it’s mine because on the right cup, the lacey part, there’s a very noticeable rip.
Chandler: You need new clothes.
[Scene: Mrs. Verhoeven’s Apartment, Ross is back to inquire about the elder Verhoeven’s health or lack there of.]
Ross: Hi. How is she?
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: It’s not looking good.
Ross: (happily) Oh. (Realizes then sadly) Oh. Well I uh, I brought her some bloemen. (Flowers in Dutch.)
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: That’s so sweet. (Takes the flowers.) Would you like to come in and say good-bye? I’m sure it would mean a lot to her.
Ross: Oh I don’t know that it would.
Mrs. Verhoeven's Daughter: Well, her memory is pretty much gone.
Ross: All right then. (Follows her in and checks the place out.)
[Scene: Eric’s Apartment, he’s resting on the bed as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Eric: Welcome back!
Phoebe: Hey! (Jumps on the bed with him.) Can we pick up where we left off?
Eric: I don’t know, I’m still pretty tired out from this afternoon.
Eric: Uh, the sex.
Phoebe: What sex?
Eric: Our sex.
Phoebe: We didn’t have sex.
Eric: Well if I didn’t have sex with you, I had sex with someone that looked an awful lot like…
Phoebe: (simultaneously as Eric) Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!
Eric: (simultaneously as Phoebe) Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! No! No! No!
Phoebe: You-you…you had sex with Ursula?!
Eric: Uh, a little bit. She-she-she walked in and I thought she was you and I kissed her and…
Phoebe: You didn’t notice she was wearing different clothes?!
Eric: Well I was just so excited to see you.
Phoebe: Oh. Ew! Ew! Ew! Ugh! Y’know what? This is too weird.
Eric: No-no it’s not! I don’t want to lose you! It’s-it’s like I was saying to Ursula when I was making love to her and I thought she was you—Yeah it is too weird.
Phoebe: So I guess this is it.
Eric: Yeah. (They hug.) Maybe it’s for the best. You smell just like her.
Phoebe: Yeah, so do you.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Brenda is wiping the coffee table and Chandler is trying to look at her bra and leans over on the coffee table to get a good look.]
Brenda: (noticing him) What are you doing?
Chandler: I’m leaning. This is where I lean.
Brenda: Okay. (Goes over and fluffs up the pillows on the couch.
Chandler: Brenda a bee!
Chandler: Yes! It’s flown into your blouse and you’d better undo your buttons lest it sting you!
Brenda: I think I know what’s going on here.
Chandler: You do?
Brenda: Look, I know it must be hard that your wife is a lesbian, but it’s wrong. You’re married.
Chandler: I totally understand. (They both laugh.) Can I just see your bra?
[Scene: The Hallway, Monica is sitting on the step as Rachel returns.]
Monica: (looking at Rachel’s jeans) Where did you get those jeans?!
Rachel: You gave them to me!
Monica: No I didn’t!
Rachel: All right, I took them. But I figured it would be okay because you got a big ink stain on the crotch.
Monica: Oh no! Did you take my bra too?!
Rachel: What bra?
Monica: The pink one with the flowers?!
Rachel: You mean the one that you’re wearing? (Adjusts Monica’s pink bra strap as Monica looks down her shirt.)
Brenda: (entering) I quit! (Storms off.)
Monica: Sounds about right.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel enters and notices that Joey has set up a space for the baby where the couch was, complete with a crib.]
Rachel: What is this?
Joey: Hey! Uh, this is just to give you an idea. Okay well, we can put screens here, (In front of the crib.) so that the baby has privacy, and-and-and maybe a mobile over the crib. And uh—Oh look! Here’s a baby monitor (Holds it up), which until the baby comes we can use as walkie-talkies. Huh?
Rachel: You’re so sweet. (Notices something in the crib.) Oh my God! And you gave the baby Hugsy! (A stuffed penguin wearing a ski jacket, goggles, and hat.)
Joey: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh…. That-that-that’s really just to show where the baby would go. Y’know why don’t I hold on to him so that there’s no confusion? (Takes him back, sets him on the chair, and apologizes to him.)
Rachel: But Joey the baby is going to be crying, it’s going to be loud.
Joey: I’m loud!
Rachel: It’s gonna be up all night!
Joey: I’m up all night!
Rachel: It’s gonna poop!
Rachel: What about all the women you want to bring home?
Joey: Look, if I’m bringing home a woman who can’t stand being around a baby, then maybe I don’t want to be with that woman! Or maybe we’ll just do it in the bathroom of the club!
Rachel: Joey, are you sure?
Joey: Yeah! All right—Look, I know sometimes it’ll be hard, okay? But, it’ll also be really…really great. Please Rachel! I-I-I really want you to stay.
Rachel: I want me to stay too.
Rachel: Thank you. (They hug.) Oh Joey and look at this crib! It’s so cute!
Joey: I know! I found it on the street.
Rachel: Are you serious—Really?! It’s in such good condition.
Rachel: Wow! Whoa-whoa what’s under the covers?
Joey: I don’t know.
Rachel: It’s moving.
Rachel: It’s still—(Screams)—It’s got a tail! Get it out of here! Get it out of here!!
Joey: Ooh! Ah! Okay! (Quickly drags the crib outside.)
Dedicated to the Memory of Pearl Harmon
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are toasting her staying put.]
Ross: Well, the old lady died. And how do I know? Her dying wish was for one last kiss. But I don’t care, (To Rachel) because you got the apartment. Yes!
Rachel: Ewww. Yeah. Umm. I think I’m gonna stay here.
Joey: Isn’t that great?
Ross: (stutters looking for words) Ezels!!