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老友记第八季809 The One With The Rumor

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嘿,菲比我和我爸今晚一起吃晚餐你要一起来吗?当然啦,他很性感呢哦,不,我和你一起的可以,那我们约定一个暗号如果顺利的话,你可以先走不,菲比,我要你在那里支持我我还没有告诉他我怀孕了。喔,为什么?因为我知道他一定会为此而抓狂,我不想他发怒噢,瑞秋,“爸爸别说教”菲比,他是个可怕的人有一次我抽烟给他发现,他说如果再给他看到我抽烟,他会让我吃下整包烟哦好的,我会和你一起的好了我不会告诉他,让他逼你吃掉你的孩子噢,那人是谁我应该认识他的不会的不,你不认识哦,我的天莫妮卡,他是你单身聚会中的脱衣舞男她的什么?你的秘密单身聚会你有一个单身聚会?她用牙齿解开他的G带找人制止我说下去!我想我们不应该办单身聚会我们都认为那是个笨传统吧!那是个古老的传统抱歉他们吓着我了我什么都不能做那,你应该用手把它解开吧这很不公平呢我只想为我朋友办场好的单身聚会但,哦,我不被允许只得到一顿无聊的西餐你和那女侍应回家了哦,是啊,那晚很过瘾呢你居然没告诉我你知道婚姻的两个支柱是公开和坦诚.让你知道然后让你咬我的屁股?我点的摩洛哥鸡行了没?哦,我-我不吃肉的那是鸡是,我也不吃鸡的我永远也猜不透你们同性恋那,宝贝,告诉我你有什么事吗?好,实际上呢....你的74年份Lafitte红酒,先生'74年份? 我点的是'75年份.这是很豪华的酒'74象潲水一样你拿潲水给我干吗?那是个很难的问题吗?你是个白痴吗?那是你永远是个侍应的原因吗?那是我告诉经理我不再接待你的原因哦,不要那么幼稚了注意到了吗?他很可怕吧但他说的对'74真的是垃圾这是个大误会我不能告诉他,菲比,我不能,我..瑞秋,不,没问题的要不这样我等个两年然后让那孩子告诉他为什么?他会迁怒于那孩子的啊?嘿,那是...那孩子的问题哦,那侍应怎样了?我怎么知道,我去了洗手间那宝贝,告诉我,你有什么新闻?好..唔... 我得了TiVo什么是TiVo?那是怀孕的俗称菲比!你真的怀孕了吗?那,恩,是,也不是去掉不是总的来说,是的父亲是谁?哦,不,不要告诉我 是她不,是罗斯的是罗斯,你喜欢罗斯哦,老爸,我希望你能接受这些想想这是好事你将要...这是你第一个孙子你快要成为爷爷了那倒是真的爷爷,,是啊我要变成爷爷了!哦!那婚礼什么时候进行?恩?什么?婚礼。会有婚礼吧!小姐,不要告诉我我第一个孙子是个私生子瑞秋·卡林·格林 告诉我会举行婚礼!2月2日你今天讲课很好啊哦,谢谢夸奖虽然你好象睡着了,,一点哦,不是,合起双眼有助于集中还有,你知道,吸收是啊,我很多学生都是这样的那,我得走的好的,今晚我找你好的,好的,拜拜哦..嘿,再次谢谢你给我看的化石标本实在是太惊人了天啊,你床上工夫一定很好好了,你和罗拉...好一阵了发展的怎样很好,发展的不错我意思是,我们相处的不错她,她很惹火?其实我想说很可爱,但,o恩o恩...她对瑞秋和那小孩没意见吗?恩,我还没告诉她的我不想吓跑她,知道吗?但,你要对她诚实一点否则事情会慢慢变的无法挽回的我要拿起那本书扔死你哦,天啊,你太爱我了我对单身聚会那事很难过所以今晚...你将会有一个单身聚会什么?是啊,我从我工作的人手上得到这个号码我请了一个脱衣舞娘来给你跳舞我是不是会被评为最佳妻子?!甜心,那太疯狂了,我不要什么脱衣舞你能让她说下去吗?来嘛。来嘛,那会很有趣的那让我好过一点我很感激,但是那有一点奇怪,你知道?我已不再是单身了那就不要当它是个单身聚会当它是..结婚两月纪念日吧当然,一年是纸婚,两月是篝火舞拜托,我很不好过只要看着火辣女郎赤裸裸好啦,好啦!但我不是只为你这样做啊太好了还有祖儿谢谢--你还想邀请谁呢?恩,不,没有只有罗斯和乔伊已经够让人尴尬了哦,实际上,对不起,我不能参加我今晚要见蒙娜我明白,我不会要你为了一个假单身聚会而取消约会很抱歉我要取消约会了,宝贝我很抱歉我不能参加你的“婚礼”了我那天很忙我要给一头独角兽洗礼我知道,我很害怕我不想他对我大呼小叫好象我是...'74 LaTour.那是La Fitte--实际上'74 LaTour很好喝他来了我要这样做,我要告诉他,我要坚强我刚打了个电话给我朋友是吗?我想短期内能订下一个广场真的吗?一个广场?哦,老爸哦,我的..好..老爸 我要谈谈请坐什么呢? 甜心不会有婚礼的罗斯和我不会结婚什么?很抱歉,老爸怎么可能!老爸 请冷静点冷静!我怎么能冷静!?这很难接受,瑞秋我要知道原因是否那混蛋罗斯不要你?就是这样,是吗?是,是,他说我老坏事你对结婚很紧张?你在干嘛啊?瞧,我们假装这是真正的单身聚会吧,好吗?要知道,在你结婚之前要寻些乐子好的我无法相信明天是个大日子看,你感觉怎样,要知道你...将不能和别的女人在一起了你将会每天起床看到同样的脸孔每一天 直到你死亡你说的对~这比较有趣是她 好了 来吧!好吗好哪个是叫钱德的幸运儿?恩,是 是我是我乔伊·崔比昂尼你的观众那 那里是卧室吗?是的,直走好啦, 随时等你准备好很奇怪呢。她为什么到卧室去呢?我在等着啊!那么说,她是..是 是个赤裸的妓女我喜欢这里这是从哪里来的?这是从加尔各答来的18世纪的印度哦,喔那么..你不只有恐龙而已还有好多恩哦!哦 我的天啊哦,天啊 对不起恩 没事这是个赝品对不起你以为你能搞过我女儿就算啦?我应该杀了你知道吗?我现在不方便那 来吧!盖勒,解释首先你让我家瑞秋怀孕了你让瑞秋怀孕了?谁干的?你干的!是是 是我做的 但 但只是一夜情而已那不代表什么哦?是吗?那就是我女儿的价值吗?毫无意义?不 不 她对我很重要我意思说 我紧张她 我爱她什么?哦 不是那种爱 我意思说...我意思是 我没有爱上她我象对朋友一样爱她哦 是吗? 那是你待友之道吗?你给她麻烦 然后拒绝娶她?嘿,我说过我要娶她什么?但不是我自愿的那 为什么?所以你就花时间陪这个贱女人?贱女人?对不起格林医生。蒙纳蒙纳,这是格林医生我无法相信那有个裸体妓女等等 等等可能她兼营妓女和脱衣舞但她不知道应提供哪种服务有可能 我意思是 她是个脱衣舞娘我们 就这样放弃吧嘿!你也是个脱衣舞娘吗?恩,不 但是我可以假装是但,那要额外收费还有 我能装成...残疾的 激烈的....可能莫尼卡给你开个玩笑看 给她老公请妓女那很好玩呢很好玩可能在我生日那天她要杀人我敢打赌罗斯也是其中一个我意思是 他老是没空你介意我在这吸烟吗?哦 那个 我想...可以 随便反正我们都要把那个房间烧掉你怎能隐瞒着我?我正准备告诉你 但...但 什么?你告诉她你要什么然后抛弃她就好象你对瑞秋一样嘿,我没有抛弃瑞秋尽管我们没在一起哦,恩我能..?干脆让那机器回答他吧嘿,罗斯,我是祖儿有个妓女在这 我想你应该知道一点吧不 不 不不 不是!我 我 我 我要晕啦今晚是个单身聚会,是吗?是啊 嘿 谢谢你给我那个女孩的号码没问题那 那是谁的聚会啊?给我老公的你给你老公请妓女?她是个脱衣舞娘不 她是个妓女是否有时人们这样称呼脱衣舞娘?当她们做妓女的时候哦 天啊 怎么可能我这样做现在 你完全证实她是个妓女她是最出名的,那是我有过最贵的约会了可能她真的要给你一个妓女为什么她要这样做可能她要你学些什么哈?那 你有没有什么“弱项”?你知道..性方面?这是最最差的单身聚会你们怎么这么慢啊?很快很快?很快什么?好啦!好啦!或者,可能你就这样叫她走为什么是我?嘿,这是你的聚会啊这是你的责任看,我不要你快去啊你来你来好,剪刀石头布来决定吧!什么?让人怀念呢。我不记得我和你猜过拳啊不不不不不 我怀念和你陷入困境好啦 我们还是在困境中的是的,不过情况没有那么糟记得吗?我们以前多么有趣而现在 只是就象有所不同你知道的。。有所不同.我已经结婚了是,当然 嘿 不要误会 我很为你高兴但 我只是.我怀念只是..我们两人一起的时光你知道?对,我也怀念对?我告诉你为什么从今以后 我们要腾时间来两人相处好的来吧哦 天啊我差这么一点就要杀死你们了她是妓女!她是妓女!她是..好吗?我们电话里聊过了你爸来过他是个和蔼的人呢哦 不会吧!我应该走了只是到这里 我不想错过你们吵架罗斯 很对不起好的 我保证 我明天解释清楚到他面前或电子邮件我不管他,我只担心蒙纳她当时也在 她完全恼怒我了哦 可以 我会搞定她的她的电子邮件地址呢?瑞秋?好啦!我保证我会搞定的 我会跟她说的好的好的谢谢就这样?你叫这种叫吵架?应该“我们分手吧!”“我不要”你们两个怎么搞的?很感谢你回来哦你在这是 我很担心那会让人很不舒服你要知道 蒙纳只要听我说第一 我很抱歉我爸对你呼喝但我听到你能完全控制住自己你能告诉我怎么办到的呢?重点!好 恩 但是 好的是 罗斯和我以前常约会还有 是 我们将会有个孩子但我们绝对不会再在一起我怎么能确定呢?哦 因为我们都很恨对方是啊我意思是 他占有欲太强他妒忌心很强他太执着于一些小事试着约会这个女人又怎样但都不能和他善解人意、温柔、和聪明相比可能你不要碰我好点你知道吗 我-我只是我不想要卷入一些复杂的关系里面我知道 但 蒙纳 什么关系不是复杂的呢?我是说 我们都有各自的包袱你也一定有你为什么还要孤单一人呢?我要走了我要为你开门吗?(你要走吗?)我还没有确定不如你告诉我这一切?因为瑞秋怎样也不会影响我对你的感觉是的 但 你还是要告诉我我知道 我正要这样做但....我想你最好从瑞秋的父亲口中知道她的事看 我犯错误了但那只是因为我真的真的喜欢你真的好啦我想你能关上门了忘了拿手袋哦...你们和好了!他接吻很棒吧,是吗?我要走啦!我发誓我不知道她是个妓女你让她在这里抽烟啦?她的屁股印还在你祖母的被子上你还要谈抽烟的事吗?你知道吗?我要这样做我答应过给你一个脱衣舞娘...现在你有一个脱衣舞娘了莫尼卡,等等什么?继续吧歌:I had to figure outIt's only been a yearI'm, oh, so confidentAnd I ain't going nowhereGo on and let meAnd I'm going to take my time噢 这条裤子太紧了- Let me blow your mind我想我要把它脱下来你不要光用说的行吗?好的 水手就因为你不爱他你就不和他结婚?噢 你说真相给你爸吗?大约一个小时以前要去看电影吗?好的让我告诉你 金钱远远比爱情持久再见 爸爱情算什么鬼东西?婚姻比爱情重要的多嘿,我已经想过我这决定的后果了谁给你权利去...去死吧!居然有笨蛋在我电话里
809 The One With The Rumor

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is reading What to Expect When You’re Expecting as Rachel enters from her bedroom.]
Joey: Hey Rach listen, did you know that during pregnancy your fingers swell up to twice their size and never go back.
Rachel: (looking at her fingers) Oh my…God! Let me see that! (Grabs the book from him.)
Joey: (laughing) You fall for it every time!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Phoebe: I brought you my old maternity clothes! (Sets a bag on the counter.)
Rachel: Oh Pheebs that’s so sweet—(Grabs a pair of pants)—Ooh, those are so cute!
Phoebe: Yeah! And look, (Grabs the pants) see how they expand as the baby grows? (There’s a stretchy part in front.) And then after the baby’s born, they’re great for shoplifting melons.
Monica: (entering) Oh good you’re all here. Thanksgiving tomorrow, four o’clock. (To Rachel) Oh, guess who I invited. Remember that guy Will Colbert from high school?
Rachel: No.
Monica: He was in Ross’s class…marching band…kinda overweight? Well, really overweight. I mean I was his thin friend.
Rachel: Wow! I don’t remember him. Honey, are you sure you’re not talking about your imaginary boyfriend.
Monica: No that was Jarred! Wow! I haven’t thought about him in a long time… (Stares off into the distance lost in thought.) (Pause) Anyway, umm Will’s, Will’s here on business and he didn’t have a place to go so I invited him here.
Rachel: Oh that’s nice.
Monica: Oh, and by the way, he’s lost a bunch of weight. I mean he looks goo-ood! Okay, I mean really, really gorgeous! (Joey clears his throat.) I still love Chandler.
Joey: I just want you to say it once in a while.
Monica: All right okay, just so you know, I’m not gonna make a turkey this year.
Joey: What?!
Monica: Well Phoebe doesn’t eat turkey…
Joey: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Turkey’s are beautiful, intelligent animals!
Joey: No they’re not! They’re ugly and stupid and delicious!
Monica: All right! Okay, it’s just Phoebe. Will’s still on a diet, Chandler doesn’t eat Thanksgiving food, and Rachel’s having her aversion to poultry.
Joey: She is?
Rachel: Remember I had to leave the room the other day when you had that roast chicken?
Joey: Yeah. But I thought that was because I put the whole thing on my hand and made it walk across the table.
Monica: Anyway, it just doesn’t seem worth it to make a whole turkey for just three people. Okay? It’s a lot of work.
Joey: But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving! I mean, Thanksgiving with no turkey is like-like Fourth of July with no apple pie! Or Friday with no two pizzas!
Monica: All right fine! If it means that much to you! But just—there’s gonna be a ton left over.
Joey: No there won’t! I promise I will finish that turkey!
Monica: All right, you’re telling me you can eat an entire turkey in just one sitting?
Joey: That’s right! ‘Cause I’m a Tribbiani! (To Rachel) And this is what we do! I mean we may not be great thinkers or world leaders, we don’t read a lot or run very fast, but damnit! We can eat!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is watching football, and it’s actually the right game Green Bay at Detroit (although not this year’s), as Monica is getting everything ready.]
Monica: Hey, isn’t weird to think about how next year at this time they’ll be a little baby at the table? (Chandler turns around in horror.) (Seeing him) Rachel’s! But good to know where you’re at!
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Happy Thanksgiving!
Monica: You too!
Phoebe: Anything I can do to help?
Monica: Actually there is. Chandler usually helps me with this, but he’s really into the game so I don’t want to bother him. Could you help me fold these napkins? (Hands her a stack of them.)
Phoebe: Sure!
Monica: I’m gonna go across the hall to check on the yams.
Phoebe: Okay. (She starts folding the napkins in half.)
Monica: No! No! No! No sweetie! No! Not like that! We’re not at a barn dance. You’ve gotta—you wanna fold them like swans. Like I showed you at Christmas time, remember?
Phoebe: Yeah, it all just came screaming back to me. (Monica exits.) (To Chandler) So how’s the game?
Chandler: I have no idea.
Phoebe: What?
Chandler: Yeah! I’m just pretending to watch the game so I don’t have to help out with stuff.
Phoebe: I don’t believe you! That is…brilliant! And Monica has no idea?
Chandler: Nope! Every once and a while I just scream stuff at the TV.
(Monica enters and Chandler screams stuff at the TV.)
Monica: Is your team winning hon?
Chandler: Yeah! Anderson just scored again! (To Phoebe) There’s no Anderson.
Phoebe: Well I want to get in on this. Hey Mon? I don’t think I can help you after all, I didn’t realize this game was on.
Monica: Oh, I didn’t know you liked football.
Phoebe: Well normally I don’t, but y’know…(looks at the TV)…Green Bay is playing.
Monica: You like Green Bay?
Phoebe: Well it’s only like my favorite bay! {Actually, it’s not bad. It just gets a little cold in winter, but in Wisconsin winter only lasts from August to June. J }
(Phoebe joins Chandler on the couch as there is a knock on the door which Monica answers.)
Monica: Hey!
Will: Hey!
(Oh, I should point out that the live studio audience at this point goes absolutely wild. And I had absolutely no idea that this Will character was that popular! Maybe they should make him the seventh friend. Which would work out just fine since he’s already married to one of them. Will is played by some guy named Brad Pitt, I guess he’s some sort of actor.)
Will: Happy Thanksgiving!
Monica: Aww thanks! God Will I’m so glad that you came! You look great! You must’ve lost like…
Will: 150 pounds. Yeah, I’m gonna be in one of those Subway sandwich commercials.
Monica: A pie! (Will brought a pie.)
Will: Oh right. All right, it’s no fat, it’s no sugar, it’s no dairy…it’s no good. Throw it out.
Monica: You wanna meet some people? This is uh; this is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is Will.
Will: Hey.
Chandler: Oh hey. I’d shake your hand but uh; I’m really into the game. Plus, I think it’d be better for my ego if we didn’t stand right next to each other.
Monica: This is Phoebe.
Phoebe: (nonchalantly glancing) Hey. (Turns back around.) Wow! (Looks up.) Well done.
Monica: (to Will) Wanna give me a hand?
Will: Sure! Monica, I can’t get over how great you look! You look stunning!
Monica: Well you look incredible too! You’re just—you’re so fit!
Chandler: I’m watching the game, but I’m not deaf!
Monica: Oh umm, I meant to tell you, Ross is coming.
Will: Ross is coming. Great! I love Ross!
Monica: Good. And Rachel Green too. (Will stops suddenly.)
Will: Oh.
Monica: Is there a problem?
Will: Nope. Uh, it’s okay. It’s just uh, God I hated her.
Monica: What?
Will: Yeah, I hated her. She was horrible to me in high school. But hey, it was a long time ago, I’m in a good place, it might be actually fun to see her again. You got any cakes or cookies or something? (Starts looking.) No Will no!
Chandler: (To Phoebe) Y’know, it’s been a while since we’ve screamed something. Maybe we should.
Phoebe: Oh okay.
Chandler: Oh come on!
Phoebe: Noooo!! Damn you ref! You burn in hell!!!
(Joey enters eating potato chips.)
Monica: Hey, what are you doing? You gotta save room, you’ve got almost an entire turkey to eat.
Joey: Let me explain to you how the human body works. I have to warm my stomach first. Eatin’ chips is like stretching.
Monica: All right.
Joey: Don’t worry, Tribbianis never get full.
Will: I actually know what you’re talking about. I’m here to tell you something my friend, you can eat and eat and eat but nothing will ever fill that void.
Joey: (To Monica) Who the hell is this guy?
Monica: Will! From high school.
Joey: Oh hey!
Monica: (to Will) Joey.
Will: Hello.
Ross: (entering) Will!
Will: Ross!
Ross: Hey-hey you came! Man you look incredible! Hot stuff! (They hug and Ross realizes what he said.) Hot stuff?
Will: It’s good to see you man.
Ross: Yeah, you too. Man, so-so what are you up to?
Will: I’m a commodities broker.
Ross: Really? Yeah that-that sounds interesting.
Will: Yeah, it’s not. But I’m rich and thin.
Ross: Oh! Man I don’t think I’ve seen you since uh, Lance Davis’ graduation party.
Will: That was such a fun night!
Ross: Yeah. It would’ve been good if we had gotten in, but still real fun.
Will: Yeah.
Ross: Yeah.
Will: God we were lame back then. Do you remember how into dinosaurs we were?
Ross: (laughs) Yeah.
Will: So what do you, what do you do now?
Ross: So how long are you in town?
Rachel: (entering, carrying a baking dish) Hi!
Monica: Hey sweetie. Oh good. (Takes the baking dish from her.)
Will: (glaring at Rachel) Rachel Green.
Ross: Aw—oh, that’s right. Are-are you gonna be okay?
Will: Oh, I’ll-I’ll be fine. Just God I hate her Ross! I hate her!
Ross: Will, high school was-was a long time ago.
Will: Look at her standing there with those yams! My two greatest enemies Ross: Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates.
Rachel: (sees Will) Oh my God Monica, who is that?
Monica: That’s Will from high school!
Rachel: Oh! I do not remember him! Wow! He's really got that sexy, smoldering thing going on. (We see Will angrily staring at Rachel.) Oh my God, he’s… Look at the way he’s just staring at me. I think he’s trying to mouth something to me, but I can’t make it out. (Will mouths, "I hate you.")
Monica: Okay, dinner’s ready!
Chandler: Good game!
Phoebe: Yeah.
Chandler: Yeah. Solid effort. Solid effort.
Monica: Oh, so who won?
Phoebe: (simultaneously) Green Bay.
Chandler: (simultaneously) Detroit.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Well the Lions technically won, but it was a moral victory for the Green Bay…Mermen.
(They sit down at the table and Will goes to talk to Rachel.)
Rachel: Hi! Will, right?
Will: Right.
Rachel: Hi! I’m Rachel Green.
Will: Oh I-I remember you.
Rachel: Really?! Aren’t you sweet! I gotta tell you though, I am, I am having the hardest time placing you. Oh-oh hang on! Did we umm, did we fool around at Lance Davis’ graduation party?
Will: You are unbelievable.
Rachel: Thank you!
Monica: (breaking it up) Uh Rachel? Rachel, why don’t you sit here? (Next to Joey) And Will you sit way over there. (The other side of the table.)
(Monica sets something on the table and removes the cover. It kinda looks like turkey.)
Joey: That’s it?! Even if nobody helps me I can eat that no problem. At least give me a challenge!
Monica: (laughs) This is Chandler’s chicken. This is the turkey. (Sets down a huge turkey.)
Joey: (quietly) Oh. How-how big is that?
Monica: About nineteen pounds.
Joey: (To Rachel) It’s like me when I was born.
Rachel: All right, who would uh, like some yams? Will?
Will: Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t ya?
Rachel: What? (Joey starts offering Ross some turkey.) Oh y’know what? Can we please keep the chicken and the turkey and everything on the other side of the table? The smell is just yuck!
Will: (sneeze talks) Typical.
Rachel: I’m sorry. What?
Will: I said it was typical. Typical of you, Rachel Green, Queen Rachel does whatever she wants in little Rachel land. (Does a fake hair flip.)
Joey: (To Monica) Seriously, who is this guy?
Rachel: Umm, I’m sorry. Do you-do you have a problem with me?
Will: I don’t know? Do I? Do I?
Phoebe: I think you do.
Monica: (To Rachel) Apparently you were umm, a little mean to him in high school.
Will: A little mean? You made my life miserable!
Rachel: I’m-I’m—I had no idea. I’m sorry. I…
Will: Well you should be. Screw it! Bring on the yams!
Monica: Oh Will. But you-you’ve worked so hard…
Will: Yams!!!!
Monica: Okay. (Chandler grabs the dish from Monica and hands it to Will who starts dishing out a large helping.)
Rachel: Uh Will umm, I just want to say that I’m real sorry for whatever I-I did to you in high school…
Will: Oh, it wasn’t just me. We had a club!
Rachel: You had a club?!
Will: That’s right, The I Hate Rachel Green Club!
Rachel: Whoa! My God! So what, you all just joined together to hate me?! Who else was in this club?
Will: Me and Ross. (Points at Ross.)
Ross: No need to point, she knows who Ross is.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier.]
Rachel: (To Ross) So you were in an I Hate Rachel club?
Will: Yes he was. (Holds up his hand for a high-five.)
Ross: No. No.
Rachel: So who else was in this club?
Ross: Uh actually, there-there was also that exchange student from Thailand but I-I don’t think he-he knew what it was.
Rachel: So Ross, we went out for two years, and you never told me you were in an I Hate Rachel club.
Will: You went out with her?! We had a pact!
Ross: That was in high school! It’s not like it was binding forever.
Will: Then why did it have the word eternity in it?
Rachel: Okay Monica, did you know about this?!
Monica: I swear I didn’t. (To Ross and Will) Hey! Is that why you guys used to go up to your bedroom and lock the door?
Ross and Will: Yeah.
Monica: Hmm, a little relieved, I gotta say.
Ross: Look Rach I-I’m sorry, okay? I…I was a stupid kid, okay? The only reason I joined…
Will: Co-founded!
Ross: …co-founded. Co-founded the club was because I was insanely in love with you. Obviously I didn’t handle it very well. But if you think about it the I Hate Rachel Club was really the I Love Rachel Club.
Will: Uh, except that it was really the I Hate Rachel Club.
Rachel: Okay. So what? You guys would just like get together and like just say mean things about me?
Will: Well, we did a little more than that.
Ross: No-no! No-no. No-no.
Phoebe: What?! What else did you do?
Will: We started a rumor.
Rachel: What rumor?
Phoebe: Oh, come on Will! Just take off your shirt and tell us!
Rachel: Ross!
Ross: It was no big deal. We-we…said that the rumor was…that umm…you had both…male and female reproductive parts.
Rachel: What?!
Will: That’s right! We said your parents flipped a coin, decided to raise you as a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis.
Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God!
Monica: You started that?!
Rachel: What?! You heard that?! (Goes and stands behind Joey.)
Monica: Everyone at our school heard it!
Chandler: Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?!
Rachel: Oh no!!!! Oh my God!! This is all making so much sense to me now! This is why Adam Carter wouldn’t go out with me! This is why Billy Tratt would just stay in this region! (Motions to her breasts.) (Joey has turned around.)
Ross: Actually, Billy Tratt is gay now. So-so that one’s not really our fault.
Rachel: Monica, how come you never told me this?!
Monica: I thought it might be true. And I was afraid that you were gonna cry and then show it to me.
(Joey is now looking at Rachel, and since Rachel’s standing and he’s sitting down and he’s not looking at her face… You get the picture.)
Rachel: Joey stop staring! There’s nothing there! It’s not true!
Joey: I’m afraid I’m gonna need proof.
Rachel: Oh! (Hits him and storms out.)
[Time Lapse, dinner has ended for everyone except Joey who looks like to have finished the turkey, until he turns the plate around and reveals he only ate one side.]
Joey: You are my Everest.
Monica: Joey, you don’t have to finish that.
Joey: Oh yes I do. Otherwise what’s next? Today I’m just a guy who can’t finish a turkey, but tomorrow I’m the guy who eats half a Powerbar, wraps up the rest, and puts in the fridge? No! No, I just…I just—I gotta change my pants. (Gets up and heads for the door.) Jeans have no give. (Exits.)
Rachel: (entering carrying a book) Okay! Okay! Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote in my yearbook senior year, "Dear Rach, you’re such a good person." Not girl! Person!
Ross: Rach, I think you’re reading a little too much into it.
Rachel: (reading what he wrote again) "Dear Rach, you’re a great person. Sorry about your tiney-wienie." (Will laughs.)
Ross: Look, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to call everyone in the entire school and tell them it wasn’t true?!
Rachel: Yes!
Will: Could you also tell them I’m skinny now?
Monica: Oh! Me too!
Ross: Well look-look I’m not calling anybody! Okay? It was like a million years ago!
Rachel: I don’t care how long ago it was! You told people that I was half and half! Y’know what? I just want to point out I never did anything to hurt you in high school.
Monica: That’s not totally true.
Rachel: What?
Ross: What?
Monica: Well you-you did start that rumor about Ross making out with Mrs. Altman, our 50-year-old librarian.
Ross: (shocked) (To Rachel) How did you know that?!!!!
Monica: It’s true?!!
Ross: No.
Rachel: Yes it is! I saw you guys going at it behind the card catalog!
(Ross is at a loss for words.)
Will: Mrs. Altman? She also made out with Takaka Ci-Kek the night before he went back to Thailand.
Chandler: I’m sorry. When you were in high school you made out with a 50-year-old woman?
Ross: Hey! She didn’t look 50!
Chandler: Did she look 16?
Rachel: Ohh, there’s a picture of her in the yearbook actually.
Phoebe: Oh! (They all look.) Wow!
Ross: She didn’t photograph well!
Chandler: Well, she probably wasn’t familiar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings!
Phoebe: So how did this happen? Did she, did she lure you to an early bird dinner?
Ross: I was working late in the library one afternoon. It was just the two of us. She needed some help with her word jumble. And one thing led to another. If you must know, Anita was very gentle and tender. May she rest in peace…
Monica: Didn’t she walk with a cane?
Ross: Only when it was damp!! (To Rachel) I can’t believe you-you told people about this?! Everybody knew?! Y’know what? (To Will) I’m back in the club!
Will: Yeah! (They high-five.)
Phoebe: I wanna join!
Rachel: Wh—Phoebe!!
Phoebe: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I never got to be in a club. I-I didn’t go to high school, but three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn French. Bonjour.
Rachel: All right, y’know—Fine! You guys have your stupid little club, but I would just like to say is what you did to me is way worse than what I did to you! You gave me a tiney-wienie! (Will laughs.)
Monica: All right, listen you’re just being silly. Rachel, even with that rumor you were one of the most popular girls in school and everyone wanted to be like you. One girl wanted to be like you so much she stuffed her pants with a Tootsie Roll!
Rachel: Wow…
Monica: And Ross, if it weren’t for Rachel’s rumor I mean no one in high school would even know who you were. She put you on the map!
Ross: As a romancer of the elderly.
Monica: Hey! Mrs. Altman was the kind of woman you could tell she used to be pretty.
Ross: The eyes…did still sparkle.
Monica: Hey guys this stuff is just so way in the past. You-you’ve been through so much since then. And right now you’ve got so much more important stuff going on in your life. Can’t you just let this go?
Rachel: She’s right.
Ross: Yeah. I mean we are having a baby together.
Will: Hold on! You got her pregnant?
Ross: Yeah.
Will: Are ya getting married?
Ross: Nope.
Will: So you knocked her up but you’re not gonna marry her. Dude! (Wants another high-five and Ross ignores him.) Anybody?
Phoebe: Okay. (Goes over and hugs him.) It’s exactly how I’d imagined it would be.
Joey: (entering, wearing the maternity pants from earlier) All right where’s that turkey!
Phoebe: Joey! Those are my maternity pants!
Joey: Not now! These are my Thanksgiving pants!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Will has left and the rest of the gang is watching Joey finish the turkey.]
Joey: Well that’s it. I’m done. Whew! (Wipes his forehead.) There come the meat sweats. (Chandler hands him a towel and he wipes his face.)
Monica: Well Joey, we’re all…we’re all very proud of you.
Chandler: Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the President any moment now.
Phoebe: Is there anything we can do for you?
Joey: No just, nobody press on my stomach.
Rachel: You can keep those pants by the way.
(Joey notices Monica has gotten a pie.)
Joey: Whoa—hey—wh-wh-what do you got there? What is that? Pie?
Monica: Yeah, you want some?
Joey: Ah, just cut me a little sliver. (Monica prepares to cut a little sliver.) A little bigger. (Monica prepares to cut a bigger piece.) Little bigger. (Monica moves the knife again.) What?! Are you afraid you’re gonna run out?! Cut me a real piece!
End
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