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老友记第八季810 The One With Monica’s Boots

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嘿, 瑞秋. 听我说.你知道怀孕期间, 你的手指会肿成原来两倍粗,并且不会再缩小?噢天啊! 给我看看.你每次都中招~~.- 嘿!- 嘿.你看, 我给你带来了我的旧孕妇服.喔, 菲比. 你真是好人.噢, 这裤子很可爱啊.是啊.还有 你看.看它能撑开很宽让婴儿长大.孩子出生以后,就可以用它去店铺偷窃.很好. 你们全都在.明天感恩节, 4点.噢, 你猜猜我还请了谁?还记得那个人吗, 高中同学Will Colbert?不记得.他是跟罗斯一班的.参加过游行乐队.有点肥胖.应该是超级肥胖.我想说, 我那时算是他的“瘦朋友”了.喔, 我完全没有印象呢.你是不是在说着你的幻想中的男友啊?不会, 那个是Jared.哇.我也很久没想过他咯.不管怎么说, Will他Will他正在本地公干而且他也没有别的地方去所以我就请他来了.那不错嘛.没错.还有啊, 他已经没有了一大堆肥肉.我意思是, 他看起来很不错.非常非常正点.我还是喜欢钱德的.这是你的口头禅吗.是了,我要告诉你一下,我今年不准备煮火鸡了.什么?菲比不吃火鸡.菲比!火鸡是很美丽, 很有智慧的动物.不是, 它们不是!他们是又丑陋, 又蠢, 又美味的动物.不止是菲比.Will他也在节食,钱德又不吃感恩节的食物,而瑞秋讨厌吃家禽.她?是啊, 你不记得你们养鸡的时候我都不过来的吗?是~但是我以为是因为我把它捉在手上让它这样在桌上走来走去的缘故啊.不管怎样, 只为三个人煮一只火鸡太麻烦了, 明白吗?很费精神的.但是感恩节一定要有火鸡才行啊.我意思是, 感恩节没有火鸡, 就象是...国庆没有苹果派.或星期五没有双份比萨.好吧, 好吧. 如果真的要煮.就会吃剩很多菜啊.不会的.我保证我能把那火鸡吃光.你是说, 你能一顿把整只火鸡吃光.没错.因为我是崔比昂尼家族的一分子.我们就是能做到.我们或者没有什么聪明才智...或什么领导能力.我们不怎么识字或跑的很快之类.但 该死! 我们能吃!下一年这张桌子边上多了一个小孩子会不会很奇怪呢?瑞秋的孩子.但很好我知道你是怎么想的了.嘿.感恩节快乐.感恩节快乐.我能帮什么忙吗?的确有点事要你帮忙.通常都是钱德做的, 但是他很想看这场比赛 所以我不想麻烦他.你能帮我排好这些餐巾吗?好啊.我要到对面去看看那些土豆泥.好的.不, 不, 不, 不是, 亲爱的.不是.不是这样弄的. 我们又不是要开篝火晚会.你要把他们叠成象天鹅一样.我圣诞的时候教过你的, 记得吗?是的. 它忽然间涌上我的脑袋里了.比赛怎么样啦?我不知道.什么?是啊, 我只是假装在看比赛那样我就不必帮忙做事了.我真不敢相信你这么做.你实在是...太聪明了!莫尼卡一点都不知道吗?不知道.每隔一阵我就对着电视大叫两声.你的那队赢了吗, 亲爱的?噢 是的. Anderson又达阵取分了.根本没有Anderson这个人.我也想加入呢.嘿, 莫. 我想我不能帮你忙了.我刚才不知道直播着这场比赛.是吗.我不知道你喜欢看橄榄球的哦.是么, 平常的话. 我是不爱看的.但, 你要知道.这是绿色海湾队的比赛啊.你喜欢绿色海湾队的吗?是啊, 它是我最喜欢的海湾了.嘿.感恩节快乐.噢, 谢谢.天啊, Will. 你能出席我太高兴了.你实在... 看起来实在太棒了.你一定减掉了...150磅.我是三明治公司的死对头呢~~.这是派.没错. 它没有油, 没有糖, 没有奶油.它什么也不是. 把它丢掉吧~~.我给你介绍一下.这是我老公 钱德.钱德, 他是Will.- 嘿.- 哦, 嘿.我想跟你握个手的, 但我实在太喜欢看这场比赛了.还有, 我这样说可能没有那么自私, 因为我们站太远了.这是菲比.你好?嘿.(哇).做的好.你能帮我忙吗?当然.莫尼卡, 你看起来也很不赖嘛.你很迷人呢.你也是一样. 你就象是...你很健硕.我是在看比赛, 但我不是聋子.我一定要告诉你. 罗斯正在回来的路上.罗斯会来. 太好了.我喜欢罗斯.那太好了. 还有瑞秋.格林也来.噢.有什么问题吗?没有.没问题. 只是...天, 我很讨厌她.什么?没错, 我讨厌她.她在高中的时候是我的噩梦.但 嘿, 已经是很多年以前的事了.我现在很好.或者再见到她也不错吧.有没有什么蛋糕, 饼干, 之类的东西?不行, Will! 不可以!知道吗, 我们已经好一阵没有叫了. 我们叫一下好吗?噢, 好的.- 上啊!- 不行!去你的ref! 你去死吧!嘿, 你在干什么?你要空着肚子啊.你还要吃几乎一只火鸡啊.让我解释一下人体是怎么运作的.我要先给我的胃热身一下.吃薯片就象是...压腿.随你便.不用担心.崔比昂尼是永远不会饱的.我知道你的想法 我只想告诉你, 朋友.你可以,不停的吃, 但没有东西能填满那种空虚感.这个家伙是谁啊?Will. 我的高中同学.- 乔伊.- 你好.- Will!- 罗斯!嘿,你来了.天啊, 你太帅了吧.尤物!尤物?能见到你太好了, 老友.是啊. 我也是.你在做什么工作?我是个生活品经纪.真的?是啊.听起来很不错嘛.是吗, 不是的.但我变得又有钱又苗条.我记得最后一次见你是在...Lance Davison的毕业晚会上.那天晚上实在是太有趣了.是啊, 如果我们不参加就好了,但是... 实在有趣.- 是啊.- 是啊.天啊, 我们那时喉都醉了.你还记得我们怎么钻进那恐龙里吗?记得~~.话说回来... 你从事什么?哎 你会在这城市呆多久?嗨.嘿.瑞秋.格林.噢, 就是她.你还好吧?没事 没事.天啊, 我太讨厌她了, 罗斯.我讨厌她!Will, 高中已经过去了.你看她拿着那些土豆站在那边.那是我生平最大的两个敌人, 罗斯.瑞秋.格林和甜食.噢 天啊! 莫尼卡, 他是谁?他是Will, 高中时代的同学.我不记得他了.哇, 的确很性感的大帅哥呢.噢 天啊. 他...你看他看着我的样子.我想他在跟我说什么, 但我猜不出来.好啦, 晚饭准备好了.比赛太精彩了.是啊!防守的很好.是吗, 那么哪边赢?绿色海湾.底特律.什么?是这样的,狮队技术上来说是赢了.但绿色海湾队在精神上打倒对方...。嗨.你叫Will,是吧?没错.是的, 嗨.我是瑞秋.格林.噢, 我...我记得你.真的吗?你人真好.我一定要告诉你 虽然... 我...我对你没有什么印象.哦, 噢, 等等!我想我记起来了.我们...我们在Lance Davison毕业舞会里见过吗?你真是令人难以置信.谢谢.瑞秋, 瑞秋, 你不如坐这里吧, 而...Will, 你坐这边.就这只?就算没人帮我, 我都可以把它搞定.至少给我点难度嘛.这是钱德的鸡.这才是你的火鸡.它有多重?大概19磅吧.我出生的时候也只有那么重呢.好. 谁要土豆泥?Will?噢, 你喜欢土豆泥, 是吗?什么?你可以把那只鸡, 和火鸡放到桌子的那一边吗?那种味道太...典型.对不起. 你说什么?我说这种行为是典型的.典型的你, 瑞秋格林.女王瑞秋. 喜欢做什么就做什么.我认真的, 这个家伙是谁啊?不好意思.你... 你是不是对我有意见啊?不知道呢. 我有吗?我有吗?我想你有.很明显, 你曾...在高中的时候做了点过分的事.一点过分的事?你令我的生命失去色彩.我一点都不知道有这种事啊.对不起.对, 你应该道歉.该死的! 把土豆泥拿来.Will, 但是你努力这么久...土豆泥!好啦.Will, 我只是想说 无论我在高中对你做过什么 我很抱歉.不只是我.我们有个俱乐部的.你们有个俱乐部?没错.叫“我恨瑞秋.格林”俱乐部.噢 我的天啊.这么说 你们组织起来恨我?还有谁参加了这俱乐部啊?我, 还有罗斯.不用指着我. 她知道谁是罗斯的.那么说,你真的加入了“我恨瑞秋”俱乐部?是的.不, 不.那么,还有谁参加过那俱乐部?实际上, 还有哪个泰国来的交换生, 但是我想他不知道他加入的是什么俱乐部.好啊,罗斯, 我们约会了两年而你从未向我提起你参加过“我恨瑞秋”俱乐部?你和他约会?我们要遵守守则的啊.那是高中的事了.并不是一辈子都要遵守的东西.那为什么守则里面有“永恒”这个词啊?好了, 莫尼卡?你之前知道这事吗?我发誓,我不知道.这就是你们两个整天锁在房间里的原因吗?没错.我一定要说. 我放下心头石了.听我说, 瑞秋.对不起, 好吗?我当时什么都不懂, 是吗?我加入的唯一原因...是联合创办.联合创办的原因...创办这个俱乐部的原因是因为我疯狂的喜欢着你.我一定要说, 我无法把持自己.但你仔细想想, “我恨瑞秋”俱乐部实际上是“我爱瑞秋”俱乐部.除非那个俱乐部的确是“我恨瑞秋”俱乐部.好了, 那又怎样?你们就两个人聚到一处然后说我的坏话?我们还做了一点点小事.不, 不, 没有, 没有.你们还做了什么?我们造谣.什么谣言?别这样, Will.把衣服脱下告诉我们吧.罗斯!其实不是什么大事来的.我们... 我们...我们说...那谣言是...那个 恩...你有两个...男性和女性的生殖器官.什么?!没错. 我们说你父母用掷铜板,决定把你当是女生来教养,但你还是有那么一条小东西.噢 天啊!是你们说起的?什么,你听过这事?我们学校的每个人都知道!我们学校的每个人也都听过!原来你就是长岛来的两性人拉拉队长?喔, 不要!天啊! 我终于想明白怎么回事了.难怪Adam Carter不肯和我约会了.还有Billy Trent光摸这里.其实Billy Trent现在成了同性恋, 所以他这样对你不是我们的错.莫尼卡, 为什么你从不告诉我这件事?我以为是真的.我怕告诉你 你会哭起来,然后拿出来给我看.乔伊, 不要再盯着我看了. 那里什么都没有. 那是假的.我很怕, 我要看到证据.你是我的珠穆朗玛峰.乔伊, 你不一定要把它吃完的.噢, 我要吃完.不然的话, 下次是什么啊?今天, 我只是个不能吃完火鸡的人, 但明天, 我是个吃了半根棒棒糖,把剩下的卷起来放回冰箱里的人?不可以!我只需要换条裤子.我之前怎么想的?牛仔裤不够松动.好了. 好了.听听Shawn McMahon写了什么在我的高中纪念册上.亲爱的瑞秋, 你是那么好的一个人.不是女生. 是人!瑞秋, 我想你有点想得太深了吧.亲爱的瑞秋, 你是那么好的一个人.为你的小缺点感到可惜.你想我怎么样啊?你想我打电话给我们所有高中同学,告诉他们这件事不是真的?没错.你可以顺便告诉他们我现在瘦下来吗?噢! 我也是.你看. 你看.我不会打什么电话的.这事象已经过了一百万年了.我不管它过了多久.你告诉人们我是阴阳人.你知道吗? 我想提一点,我高中的时候从未做过伤害你的事.那倒未必.什么?什么?是啊, 是你先说起那个关于罗斯和Alton老师做过的谣言,那个50岁的图书馆老师.你怎么知道的?!真的吗?不是.是的,是真的.我看到你们俩躲到分类卡柜后面去.怎么...Alton老师?她也和Nataca Kaikette做过就在他回泰国的前一个晚上.对不起.你高中的时候和一个50岁的女人干过那种事?嘿, 她看起来一点都不象50岁!他看起来象60岁?噢, 在纪念册里有她的照片.哇!她拍起照来不好看.她可能对生命的过程不熟悉,花了大半生坐着画画.究竟是怎么发生的啊?她有...她用一些给小鸟的早餐来引诱你吗?某个下午我在图书馆里工作到很晚.当时只有我们两个.她要人帮忙搞好她的图书分类.当时发生了一些事.告诉你们...Anita是非常文雅和温柔的.希望她得到安息.她不是要拄着拐杖走路的吗?只是天气潮湿的时候才是!我无法相信...你把这事告诉别人?每个人都知道?你知道么?我要重新加入俱乐部.Yeah!我也要参加!菲比!对不起. 对不起.但我从来没有加入过俱乐部.我没有上过高中.但我们三个可以在垃圾房后见面学习法语.Bonjour.好. 好.你们就继续你们的无聊小俱乐部吧~~,我只想说一句你做的坏事比我做的事要更坏.你给我一个小东西啊.Yeah.好了 够了.听着.你们想的太严重了.瑞秋, 就算是有那个传闻, 你还是学校里最受欢迎的女生.每人都想学你一样.有一个女生因为非常想学你,她塞了一卷指头大小的东西在裤子里.哇.还有 罗斯.如果没有瑞秋的谣言高中里就没有一个人会记得你.她把你变成话题了.和一个老人谈恋爱啊?嘿 是你自己说Aldman老师是那种很漂亮的女人啊.她的双眼.它依然在闪耀着.嘿 老友.这些都是陈年旧事了.你们想的太多了.现在你们的生命里有更多更重要的东西.你们能不能就这么算啦?她说的对.我是想说...我们都有了孩子了.等等!你让她怀孕了?是啊.你要和她结婚吗?不会.那就是说,你搞大她肚子, 但你不准备和她结婚.老兄!有人要来吗?好的.和我想的一样过瘾.好了. 那火鸡在哪里?乔伊, 那是我的孕妇裤子.不是. 它是我的感恩节裤子.好了.我吃光了.出的汗里面都有鸡油了.很好, 乔伊. 我们全都...非常为你感到骄傲.是的, 我相信总统也快要打电话过来了.有什么我可以为你做的吗?没有了. 只是...谁都不要摸我的肚子.顺便说一下,那条裤子归你所有了.你那里有什么?是馅饼吗?是啊, 你要吗?切一小条给我就好了.多一点.多一点.你在担心什么?实实在在的切一块给我啊!
810 The One With Monica’s Boots

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is trying on a pair of new boots as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Hey! So what do you think?
Chandler: New haircut? (Monica nods ‘No.’) Necklace? (No) Dress? (No) Boots? (Monica nods ‘Yes.’) Boots!
Monica: Yes! Now, they’re a little more than I normally spend on boots…or rent (Shows him the receipt.)
Chandler: Oh my God!
Monica: I know.
Chandler: I’m gonna miss being able to afford food.
Monica: I’m sorry, they just, they just look so good! And the saleswoman was looking at me like, "Oh, these are way too expensive for you."
Chandler: She had a point. (Shows her the receipt.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi!
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Oh my God! (Notices the boots) Oh Monica! Those boots are amazing!
Monica: They’re mine!
Chandler: Yeah well, too bad we’re gonna have to return them.
Rachel: Return them?! Shh! They’re gonna hear you!
Monica: Honey, I’m not returning them. Okay? I mean I-I know they cost a lot, but I’m going to wear them all the time. You’ll see. Besides, I love the compliments. I mean, have you ever had something so beautiful everyone wanted it?
Chandler: I have you.
Monica: Nice try; I’m keeping the boots.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are sitting on the couch and Ross is talking to Rachel’s, who is now showing, stomach.]
Ross: That’s right, I love you! And-and I’m gonna play with you all the time.
Phoebe: How can you let him talk to your crotch like that?
Rachel: (pause) He’s talking to the baby.
Phoebe: Ohh! Okay! Okay, cause when-when he said, "I can’t wait to hear your first words," I thought, "There’s a trick."
Rachel: Okay. Well, I gotta go you guys. I’ll see you later.
Phoebe: Okay.
Ross: Bye.
Rachel: Bye. (She gets up to leave but is stopped by Joey)
Joey: Oh hey Rach, listen—Hi!
Rachel: Hi.
Joey: Umm, can you do me a favor? I was talkin’ to my sister and she knows you work at Ralph Lauren
Rachel: No, forget it! No way! I am not sending anymore Ralph Lauren clothes to prison. It is a waste.
Joey: No-no-no-no-no-no, not her, not her. My youngest sister, Dina, she’s really interested in fashion, and she wants to talk to someone successful, y’know, to give her some advice.
Rachel: I guess I can talk to one of my supervisors…
Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, she wants to talk to you!
Rachel: Really?! Oh my God! I’m successful!
Joey: Okay, so will you meet with her?
Rachel: Yes! I’d love to! Have her come by the office.
Joey: Great! Thanks! You’re gonna love her so much. And—Oh, she’s the smartest of all the Tribbiani children. Hey, y’know the S.A.T’s?
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: She took ‘em!
(Joey goes to get coffee and Rachel exits as the camera pans to Phoebe and Ross on the couch.)
Phoebe: Hey Ross! Doesn’t Ben go to the Smithfield Day School?
Ross: Yeah. Why?
Phoebe: Sting has a son that goes there too!
Ross: Yeah I know; he’s in Ben’s class.
Phoebe: You knew this and you never said anything?! With all the stupid dinosaur stuff you tell us?!
Ross: Fine! No more dinosaur stuff! Can I talk about fossils? (Joey is about to sit down and hears this so instead he groans and exits.)
Phoebe: Sting’s son, seven years old and there’s a picture.
Ross: What are you reading? The Kidnappers Guide to Manhattan Private Schools?
Phoebe: No, it’s New York magazine. It’s an article about the best schools in the city. So how well do you know Sting?
Ross: Uh, I actually haven’t even met him.
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah that’s too bad. I really want to go to his concert Friday night, but it’s totally sold out. I know! Why don’t you meet him and get tickets?! If you get two I’ll take you.
Ross: Well actually, I’m picking Ben up tomorrow, maybe he’ll be there.
Phoebe: There you go! Oh, you are so lucky! You might actually get to meet Sting tomorrow! That’s why you have kids!
[Scene: Central Perk, the next day Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler are there as Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey guys!
Chandler: Hey-hey.
Rachel: Hi Monica!
Monica: Hey. (Sits down on the arm of the couch.)
Rachel: Hi boots.
Monica: See Chandler? I’m getting a lot of use out of them already! They’re very practical. See, you can wear them with dresses, with skirts, with pants…
Chandler: You can wear them with shorts on a street corner and earn the money to pay for them. (Goes and gets some coffee at the counter.)
Phoebe: Wow! They’re beautiful!
Rachel: Ahh…
Monica: (almost crying) They hurt so much!
Phoebe: What?!
Monica: The guy who made these hates feet and wants to see them die!
Rachel: Well-well you can give them to me! I haven’t felt my feet in years!
Monica: I can’t! I spent so much money on them and I told Chandler that I’d wear them all the time, I just can’t give them away!
Phoebe: Well then get your money back and return them!
Monica: I can’t do that either! The soles’ are already a little scuffed up and the insides are filled with my blood.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Chandler: (returning to his seat) Hey!
Ross: Hey I uh just picked up Ben from school…
Chandler: (spinning around looking for him) I don’t think you did a very thorough job!
Ross: I dropped him off at Carol’s. (To Phoebe) Anyway, it turns out that I’m not going to be able to get those tickets though.
Phoebe: Oh no! Why not?
Ross: Well it turns out that Ben and Sting’s son do not get along.
Phoebe: How come?!
Ross: Apparently, Sting’s son made fun of the fact that Ben’s moms are lesbinims.
Phoebe: Wait! But Ross if they don’t get along then you should smooth things over. Make them be friends.
Ross: Phoebe, you can’t force kids to be friends.
Phoebe: Sure you can! Give them some blocks, put them in a playpen!
Ross: Playpen?! Ben’s seven!
Phoebe: Your kid is seven?! (Ross nods, "Yes.") (To the rest) He’s really small. (To Ross) Please! Please get the tickets!
Ross: Look I’m sorry Pheebs, I can’t do it.
Phoebe: Yes you can! Sting says so himself!
Ross: What?
Phoebe: (singing) Rosssss can!
Ross: Look Phoebe, I’m sorry it’s just…
Phoebe: (singing) Rossss can!
Ross: Phoebe, I…
Phoebe: (singing) Rosss can! Give me the tickets! Ross can give me the tickets!!
(Ross runs out to get the tickets.)
[Scene: Rachel’s Office, Joey has brought Dina to meet with Rachel.]
Joey: (entering, with Dina) Here she is! Future fashion superstar!
Rachel: Oh Joey, I’m hardly a…
Joey: My little sister Dina!
Rachel: Right! Hi Dina!
Dina: Hi.
Rachel: Nice to meet you. (They shake hands.)
Dina: Thanks so much for meetin’ with me. Joey’s told me so much about you!
Joey: This is so exciting for her. Well, I’ll let you two fash…ists get down to business. (Exits.)
Rachel: Okay. All right Dina, well let’s talk about the different areas of fashion that you could get involved in. Let’s see, there’s design, but you may need a whole other degree for that. Uh, there’s-there’s sales, which is great because you get to travel…
Dina: I…I don’t care about fashion! I’m pregnant! And I know you are too, so you gotta help me!
Rachel: (stunned) And there’s marketing…
[Scene: The Hallway, Monica is returning, but before she enters the apartment she stops on the step and changes from wearing tennis shoes to the boots and she moans in pain as she puts each boot on.]
Monica: (standing up) Ahhhhhhhh!
Chandler: (opening the door) What’s wrong?
Monica: Oh nothing I’m just—just was yawning. (Mimics the groan from before and stretches.)
Chandler: Oh don’t forget, my office holiday party is tonight. (They go into the apartment.)
Monica: Honey, we don’t really have to go to this thing tonight do we?
Chandler: Now sweetie, I know you don’t like my office parties, but you can wear your new boots. See? Every cloud has a…supple leather lining.
Monica: I-I don’t-I don’t think that I’m gonna wear the boots tonight.
Chandler: Why not?
Monica: Well y’know, I’m just-I’m just worried that bosses will see them and think they pay you too much money. Or! Or your assistant will see them and-and want a raise!
Chandler: Do you think I work at some kind of boot pricing company?
Monica: Anyway, I picked up this outfit that I want to wear and the, and the boots don’t really go with it.
Chandler: You said that you paid all that money because those boots go with skirts, dresses, and pants!
Monica: Fine! If you want me to wear the boots, I’ll wear the boots. In fact, I’ll go into my room right now and y’know try the outfit on.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Okay? (She starts to walk which causes her to start crying) Ooo wee! Christmas party in my boots! (Runs into the bedroom and mixes saying ‘ow’ with laughing.)
[Scene: The Hallway, Rachel is about to enter her apartment with Dina to tell Joey the news.]
Dina: I-I can’t go in there. I can’t tell him!
Rachel: Honey, it’s going to be okay. He’s been incredibly supportive of me, and if he gets a little upset; that’s what the meatball sub is for. (She gives Dina a sandwich wrapped in aluminum foil.)
Dina: Thank you.
Rachel: Okay.
(They enter.)
Joey: Hey! It’s my fashion girls! (They don’t react.) What’s wrong?
Rachel: Honey, why don’t you sit down? Dina has something that she wants to tell you.
Joey: (concerned) Oh. What’s, what’s going on? Is it mom? Is she sick? Is it dad’s heart? Is that a sandwich?
Dina: Joe, mom and dad are fine…
Joey: Is that a sandwich?!
Rachel: Joey…there’s something that you…should know. Dina?
Dina: I’m pregnant.
Joey: (angrily) What?!
Rachel: (To Dina) Now! Give him the sandwich! Give him the sandwich! (She quickly sets the sandwich in front of him.)
Joey: Well obviously this is a mistake! You can’t be pregnant! Because you have to have sex to get pregnant!
Dina: Joe, I tried to wait until I was 25 like you did!
Rachel: What?! Dina…
Joey: (to Rachel) Bub!!! (Points at her and quiets Rachel.) (To Dina) I can’t believe this! You’re the good one! You went to college! Both years! Who did this to you?!
Dina: Bobby Corso, but he’s a real nice guy. I like him a lot. He’s real funny.
Joey: You got pregnant for funny?! Dina…if he’s funny…laugh! All right, I’ll be back in a little while! You stay here!
Dina: Why? Where are you going?
Joey: I can’t look at you right now! (Exits and slams the door behind him.)
Dina: Wow.
Rachel: I know.
(Joey storms back in and covering his face so he doesn’t see Dina grabs the sandwich and heads back out.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Midfield Day School, it’s after school and Ben is taking a drink of water as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Oh, there you are Ben!
Ben: Aunt Phoebe, what are you doing here?
Phoebe: Well, I heard you’re having a problem with one of the boys in your class. And so I thought I would just come down here and sit you both down, have a little talk and make it all okay. Now umm, the boy’s name is Sting’s son.
Ben: Jack? I hate him! He’s a jerk.
Phoebe: Now Ben, sometimes people may seem like jerks on the outside, but they have famous fathers.
Ben: I have to go. My friend Doug is waiting for me over there. (Goes over to Doug.)
Phoebe: Him you’re friends with. (Starts looking at the children trying to find Jack and a teacher notices her.)
The Teacher: Excuse me. Can, can I help you with something?
Phoebe: Yes! Yes you can, I’m looking for Jack’s parents.
The Teacher: Are you with one of the students?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, I’m with Ben.
The Teacher: Are you one of Ben’s mothers?
Phoebe: I am one of Ben’s mothers. I’m a lesbian. It was, it was difficult coming out to my parents.
The Teacher: Well hi, I’m Jenny Boone. I’m the new teacher here.
Phoebe: Oh.
The Teacher: I’ve only met your partner Carol.
Phoebe: Ah! Okay so that would make me Susan.
The Teacher: Right. Are you looking for Jack’s parents to discuss the problems he’s having with Ben? (Phoebe nods ‘Yes.’) Yeah. Because I really do think the parents should sit down and have a conversation.
Phoebe: Yeah! Let’s do that!! That-that sounds good. We should sit down and talk, just me, my lover Carol, and the Stings. Umm, how-how will I get in touch with them?
The Teacher: Oh, their number is on the contact sheet.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Umm, could-could I get a copy of that? ‘Cause Carol threw it out, she lost ours. She’s such a scatterbrain, but man what a hot piece of ass.
[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Monica are walking down the sidewalk after his office holiday party.]
Chandler: Y’know, that party wasn’t bad.
Monica: Yeah! I didn’t know there would be dancing. That was a fun surprise!
Chandler: I don’t see any uh, cabs. Maybe we should just walk?
Monica: Oh no, we can’t walk!
Chandler: What honey, it’s like fifteen blocks to the subway. Let’s go.
Monica: Hey! Do you think that we can get to the subway right there if we climb down through the manhole cover?
Chandler: What’s going on?
Monica: I can’t walk. Okay? Okay? These boots were a huge mistake!
Chandler: What?
Monica: Okay you were right! All right, I never should have bought them! They’re killing me! One toe at a time!
Chandler: So I was right. This is what it feels like to be right. (Pause) It’s oddly unsettling.
Monica: How are we gonna get home? Maybe a piggy-back ride?
Chandler: Hop on.
Monica: Okay. Wait, just give me a second, I need to just get my boots off first. (She starts taking them off.) Ah…Ooh…Oohh…Ohh…Oh God…Ohh…Oh…Ohh…Ohhhh…
Chandler: Honey, I know you’re in pain right now, but I’m a little turned on.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Dina and Rachel are reading pregnancy books, Dina Pregnancy for Dummies and Rachel something else.]
Dina: Do you ever worry that you’ll be walking and your baby will just like slip out?
Rachel: What college was that Dina?
(Joey enters dragging a guy.)
Dina: Oh my God! Bobby!
Bobby: Hi Dina. Good to see you.
Rachel: Joey, what are you doing?
Joey: Just what needs to be done! Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman…
Rachel: Oh Joey this is crazy!
Joey: Don’t interrupt me when I’m talkin’ to God! Now where were we? Oh right, okay. Do you Dina, take this man…
Dina: No!
Joey: Oh you’ll take ‘em!
Dina: No I won’t!
Joey: Hey! You don’t get a say in this!
Dina: Yes I do!
Joey: Ahhh! I heard "I do", we’re halfway there! Okay! (To Bobby) You!
Rachel: All right Joey! That is enough! (Grabs him and pulls him away from Bobby and Dina) Listen, as beautiful and moving as this ceremony is, it’s not legal. Okay? They-they don’t have a marriage license, they don’t have any witnesses, and the groom only has on one shoe!
Bobby: Yeah, he took the other one off and hit me with it.
Joey: Well what am I supposed to do?
Rachel: You’re supposed to realize that they are adults! And that they can make their own decisions.
Joey: No they can’t! They were stupid enough to get knocked up!
Rachel: Heyyyyy! Contraceptives are not always effective! (To Bobby and Dina) Right?
Bobby: Yeah…we kinda didn’t use any…
Rachel: Oh, come on kids! A little help here!
[Scene: Sting’s Apartment, Phoebe has come to talk about Jack and is waiting for Sting’s wife, Trudie Styler, to enter.]
Phoebe: Wow! This place is incredible! (Gasps) Sting’s pen…that he gave to Phoebe. (Puts the pen in her purse and goes over to a floor-to-ceiling bookcase) Come on! Secret passageway! (Starts pulling books at random as Trudie enters.)
Trudie Styler: Hi! (By the way, it’s actually her.)
Phoebe: Hi!
Trudie Styler: I’m Trudie.
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Trudie Styler: You must be Ben’s mum.
Phoebe: Why else would I be here?
Trudie Styler: Do sit down.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. (They go and sit down.)
Trudie Styler: I gather Jack and Ben haven’t been getting along lately.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Trudie Styler: I’m told there are two sides to this story, but all I’ve heard is that Ben’s a bit of a poo-poo head.
Phoebe: Umm, I’m sorry. Won’t-won’t Jack’s father be joining us?
Trudie Styler: Oh I’m sorry, Jack’s father is not available.
Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Okay. Well then, could we reschedule? For say, Friday night perhaps at 8 o’clock?
Trudie Styler: Oh no, I know that wouldn’t work. My husband’s in concert.
Phoebe: Concert. Yeah. That does put us in…quite a pickle. Because you see I’m very busy before and after the concert, and he’s obviously busy during.
Trudie Styler: So, I guess you and I should talk about Jack and Ben right now.
Phoebe: Unless! Unless umm, okay I-I would be willing to go to the concert, umm, all the while thinking about the children of course.
Trudie Styler: Are you here for tickets?
Phoebe: Oh, thank you. Four would be great.
Trudie Styler: I’m not giving concert tickets to someone who’d use their son like this!
Phoebe: Oh good! Then you’re in luck! Ben’s not my son!
Trudie Styler: (stands up) Look, I’ve just pressed a button, triggering a silent alarm. Any minute now, the police will be here!
Phoebe: The Police? Here? A reunion?! (She gets out her camera.)
[Scene: The Street, Chandler is carrying Monica past a store window.]
Chandler: Okay, ten blocks down. Five to go.
Monica: (notices something in the window) Oh wait! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Chandler: Oh I’m sorry! Do you need a break?
Monica: My boots in tan! Hey! Can you get a little closer so I can see the price?
Chandler: I can see it from right here. It’ll cost you one husband.
Monica: Okay, I’m sorry. I think I can walk the rest of the way now. Just-just give me my boots.
Chandler: (pause) I don’t have your boots.
Monica: Well I don’t have them either. Where are they?
Chandler: Well, why don’t you check in one of my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay!
Monica: Okay. (She gets off him.) God well, we gotta go back and get them!
Chandler: Honey, are you seriously ever gonna wear the boots again?
Monica: Okay, I’m never gonna wear them again. I just didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.
Chandler: Y’know what? You can say goodbye to the tan ones.
Monica: Okay. (Climbs back on his back.) All right.
Chandler: Okay. (Moves closer to the window.)
Monica: (to the boots) Bye boots—Wait! Half off?! (Chandler runs off.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are still discussing Bobby and Dina’s situation.]
Rachel: Joey, just because they’re not getting married doesn’t mean this is going to be a disaster. Maybe they have a plan!
Joey: Oh? Oh! Okay! Okay! Let’s hear their plan! Now, what’s the future look like for Dina and Bobby?
Bobby: Well…I really have high hopes for my band.
Joey: (to Dina) You were right. He is funny.
Rachel: Hey, now wait a minute! I get when you told people at first that you wanted to be an actor they laughed at you! Now come on Bobby, why don’t you tell us a little bit about your band?
Bobby: Well it’s just me and my pal Rooster, the band’s name is Numb Nuts.
Rachel: (To Dina) Really? (Nods her head at Bobby.)
Joey: Dina, if you’re having a baby you should be married! Even if it is to Bobby! (Bobby gets happy.) Dude, that’s not a compliment!
Dina: No Joey! I knew you wouldn’t be supportive!
Joey: So whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What are you gonna do? You’re gonna have the baby and-and raise it by yourself…without a husband?! You can’t be a single mother alone! You’re gonna ruin your life!
Rachel: Oh excuse me! Am I ruining my life?
Joey: No! No! No! It’s different for you. You’re so strong and together. You’re not some dumb kid who doesn’t know what she’s doing.
Dina: Excuse me?
Joey: One pregnant woman at a time, please! I just want you to be okay.
Rachel: So forcing her to marry Bobby is gonna make that happen?
Joey: Maybe! (To Bobby) Well! Well…so-so uh, what kind of music does Numb Nuts—Oh forget it! I can’t!
Dina: Joey, I am scared to death about this. But I really think I can do it, I’m just gonna need some help. And Bobby’s gonna be here the whole time.
Bobby: You bet I am! (To Joey) And to answer your earlier question, we’re straight-up gangster rap. (Joey shakes his head as if he’s about to lose it.)
Dina: Look, Rachel’s told me how much easier you’ve made all this on her. Why can’t you do that for me?
Joey: Because! ‘Cause… ‘Cause you’re my baby sister!
Dina: And you’re my big brother! I mean, you’re my favorite guy in the whole world. I’m not even scared to tell mom and dad. I was scared of telling you.
Joey: Well I’d be scared of them, but all right.
Dina: Joey, I can’t stand the thought of having this baby with you mad at me. I want him to have his uncle. Is my baby gonna have his Uncle Joey?
Joey: Of course he’s gonna have his Uncle Joey!
Dina: We’re gonna be all right. I mean, even if we’re not married this baby is gonna be so loved. Not just by us.
Joey: That’s right! By his uncle too!
Bobby: And by you.
Rachel: Okay Bobby, why don’t we just come over here and let them have a little moment. (Drags Bobby away from Joey and Dina.)
Joey: Come here! (Hugs Dina and Bobby looks to hug Rachel.)
Rachel: No! Seriously! What’s wrong with you?!
Closing Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Ross are there.]
Ross: You’re gonna love me so much. I got Sting tickets!! (Holds up two.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! I do love you! How did you do it?!
Ross: Well…let’s just say… (singing) Rosss caaaaan!
Phoebe: Oo, where are the seats?
Ross: Uh, middle balcony.
Phoebe: Okay, now would you say that that’s more than 50 yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: Then that’s not breaking the law! I’m there!
End
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