菲比.干嘛?看看窗边那个男人.哇.一个小矮子耶.还在一个人自言自语.说句老实话,他的床上工夫一定很差.噢, 我最近怎么搞的啊?我意思是 我见到的男人都好吧, 打比方说那个男的.通常来说，我是不会对这种男人感兴趣的但现在我唯一想做的就是把他的裤子扒光.等一下，你现在已经怀孕了四个月了，对吗？是啊.那么这就完全正常了.四个月左右, 你的荷尔蒙就会乱来了.真的吗? 那你也试过会这样?那还用说.肯定啦噢，我还记得, 我怀着三胞胎.在医学术角度上说 我比你更难受三倍呢.哇, 我终于搞懂啦~~.上个周末, 我走了很多家商店为的是给圣诞老人抱一抱呢.对了对了，我还试着把那个荷里菲特（重量级拳王）的硬纸版人像偷回来呢.是吗, 噢.你知道吗, 我明天要去见一下医生.我要问一下他这个问题.或者他可以给我点什么药丸吃吃.对，对, 你就需要那个,一些好的丸.嘿. 嗨.嘿.我把我们在洛克菲勒中心拍的照片拿回来了.噢, 是吗. 嘿 乔伊要看看我和Mona溜冰的照片吗?噢, 厄... 平常的话我会看的不过我的手出了很多汗.那些饼干店老板帮我们拍的照片呢?噢, 对了, 应该是在后面.噢 天啊.他拍的都是我的胸部.我还是来看看好了?你要拍她的脸才行啊, 罗斯.好了, 好了, 总算有张象样的合照了.哇, 拍的不错耶.哇, 象明信片一样哦.你看, 中间的那棵大树还有那些溜冰的人和雪景 .你知道吗 每一年我都想要送出明信片但是我一次都没有实现不如我们今年一起送出这张吧?一起?你指两个人?是啊, 你想想, "节日快乐-Mona和罗斯."那一定很可爱了 对吗?是啊.噢, 我要上班了. 记得要找我哦?噢 肯定啦.- 大家 再见.- 再见.恭喜你了, 你刚结婚了.我知道, 你能相信吗?等等, 我不明白一张节日明信片有什么大不了的?夫妇会寄出他们的卡.一家人会寄出他们的卡.但才约会了几个月的恋人是不会寄出他们的卡的.她有什么毛病吗?嘿 嘿, 你说的是你老婆啊.宾!噢, 还有接宾放学的人.噢 老婆 还记得我的上司Doug吗?当然, 你好.你好. 有好消息-- 离婚已经办好.上午我去签字了.噢, 我不知道你和Carol要离婚呢.真替你难过.难过?我终于把脚从陷阱里拔出来了.嘿 无论怎样，恭喜你们了.是啊, 我们的脚都没受伤呢.是吗, 走着瞧.那么, 离婚的事,你们结婚的事 我们应该庆祝一下呢.不如我们明晚出去吃个饭吧?我想不到明晚有什么事做啊.为什么我会想不到明晚有什么事做呢?那么就明晚咯.我应该六点就可以离开法院了.他们经常搞些性骚扰案麻烦我,而我每次都可以一棍把他们打出场外.好了, 那明晚见.我要告诉你,我们和他明晚不会见面的.我已无法和他再相处一个晚上了.你还记得他在我们的婚礼上做了什么吗?不记得.那是因为我们没有请他参加婚礼.因为他在我们订婚派对上的所作所为.喔, 我想起了.天啊，他的尿把冰雕融化了，对吗？- 嗨.- 嘿.嘿, 我去过相片店了.你看看. 这是我们的卡的成品.你觉得怎样?呵. 哇, 十分不错呢.上面应该写什么呢, "爱你 罗斯和Mona"?那个嘛, 我们都还没有向对方说过 就...我想对其他人说会没关系吧.你想要多少张?我要100张.100张?我, 喔, 我想我要, 厄...Mona...我-我 不... 我不太想要这..明信片.是吗, 为什么啊?一起寄出明信片...我还不确定我们是否已经到达那种关系了.你知道吗, 我也不是这么想的.你说的对... 你说的对.,那我可以问你一个问题吗?可以啊.我们到达哪里啦?呵?你知道的啊... 我们在哪里了?我们的关系到哪个程度了?唔.我想说, 我爱和你一起的时间, 你知道吗?我只希望我们的关系向前一步.我们应该好好谈谈了,你觉得是吗?我们还是做明信片吧.什么?明信片啊. 我想我们到达那个程度了.那好.但我想我们还是要谈谈.有必要吗? 你看...我们不是有明信片了吗?- 嗨.- 嗨.我要告诉你一下Long医师今天不在他被医务所叫去了.Schiff医生会来看你的.噢，没关系.嘿, 我能问你一下吗?那个给我抽血的人样子好看吗?你知道我说谁吗,碗形的头发, 手指上很多毛的那个.嗨, 是瑞秋吗?我是Schiff医生.是啊，你就是.你感觉怎么样?噢，感觉非常非常好.不过已经够受了.来吧,说说你是哪里人? 你做什么工作的?我是个医生.没错... 没错.其实, 我想问, 你平常.,会煮饭吗? 你会去溜冰吗?还是会经常陪你的老婆或女朋友?,厄, 我没有老婆和女朋友不过我很喜欢溜冰.噢, 我喜欢溜冰.多么不可思议啊?那，你有觉得哪里不舒服吗?没有， 我觉得很舒服.放屁时会痛吗?不会！噢, Schiff医生, 你在问什么问题啊?好的 那.你可以躺下来吗?那么, 你想我躺下来吗?对不起, 是不是有什么事发生了?你也感到啦?嗨.噢, 嘿, 怎样了?见过医生好点了吗?好 我看看, 他们安排给我一个帅哥医生.在检查途中, 我把小指头放到他下巴凹位.噢，天啊.你为什么这样做啊?好了, 你记得我怀孕时的“四月之痒”?噢, 是哦, 那个荷理菲特的纸板.噢 天啊 但是你太饥渴了几乎连我也不放过呢.你就想.嘿, 我要上你的话随时都可以.噢 是吗? 过来上我试试看.够了, 你们不要挑逗我了.- 嘿.- 噢, 好吗.嘿, 罗斯.嘿, 你和Mona还好吧? 你们还没有分手吗?噢 很好 很好, 我们的关系向前跨了一大步.你快要收到我们的节日贺卡了.你和Mona一起发贺卡?是啊, 我们只是做个卡嘛.她还想和我详谈一下~~关于我们的关系之类的.哦, 小女人.我知道, 我知道.为什么我们要好好谈谈啊, 吓?没有一个有自尊的男生会问一个女人"我们到那一步了?"厄, 罗斯, 你问过我哦.嘿, 你已经本盖起的书了, 知道了吗?我又不是个超能力者（透视）.除此外, 我讨厌那些详谈. 我很怕这种事的, 真的很怕.,或许我可以做点什么事.你看, 一些可以表示我们向前迈进又不用开口说明的事.比如叫她搬去和你住?什-什么... 要小一点好吧.和她合做录音留言?厄, 要大一点.给你公寓的钥匙给她啊.哇, 喂喂? 我们是比录音带要亲密.你有说过 "我爱你"吗? 你可以说 "我爱你."啊对, 我想... 我想我们还没有到那个地步.但, 噢! 我可以这样说 "我爱和你一起的时间."不, 女人都讨厌这种话.就象是被掌掴了一下一样.噢, 算了吧. 告诉你们, 我... 我还是和她好好谈谈算了.我可以说 "我喜欢我们现在这样子"希望有个好结果吧.你觉得怎样, 瑞秋?我想，如果这里冷一点的话我就可以隔着衣服看到你的乳头了.宾.我们今晚出去. 8:00.噢, 厄, 有点事, 我们不去了.莫尼卡要工作.噢 我的前妻没有工作.除了她那生孩子的“工作”.好吧. 没关系. 那么 明天晚上.噢, 厄, 那个嘛, 明天她也不是很方便.噢? 为什么?因为她要参加准决赛... 是...bocci球的联赛.有什么问题吗, 宾?你老婆..对我有什么不满吗?那, 你... 你真爱乱说话.那为什么我们三人不能一起出去啊?因为 我们-我们-我们吵架了.莫尼卡和我吵翻了.拥抱我.天啊 天啊, 宾, 我...我也不是完全看不出来的.那天我看到她看你的眼神...里面一点爱意都没有.而她看着我的眼神.非常淫荡.告诉你，那段难受的时间里 只有掐人才让我好过一点.我可以掐你吗?唔. 宾, 孩子， 让我们把这一切忘记吧.我现在有个计划.拿好你的衣服.我们去脱衣舞夜总会.噢, 不, 不行. 莫尼卡会气疯的.不过，谁理会她那个贱人呢.Mona,唔, 我想是时候好好谈谈我们的关系了.没错, 我记得是我说要谈的.噢, 我们-我们都...我真的很喜欢你我爱和你在一起,我得到很多很多乐趣.然后...我是想说没有理由因为有乐趣就整天的和某人在一起吧.一定要有点... 一定要有所进展啊, 对吗?那我们到那一步了?啊! 那是... 那就是问题所在了.而答案就是...去到某个...有趣的地方了.我知道你在想什么.乐趣对你来说很够了, 就象是, 十年前的事了,但那个时候 你已经不再年轻了.不是-- 我意思不是说你你看着越来越年轻了.我想说你变年轻了就象是一眨眼的事你有什么秘诀吗?对不起. 那么...我们到底怎样呢?对哦 对哦, 总结来说...我们一起很有趣.你看起来很年轻.是...但那是不够的.这是我公寓的钥匙.真的吗?真的.你不觉得太快了吗?唔-唔!你给了她一条你公寓的钥匙?不是一条钥匙. 是唯一一条钥匙.我现在是一个有认真恋爱关系的流浪汗了.嘿... 哦, 罗斯. 和她谈得怎么样?噢 很好. 我要住在街上了.街上哪里?- 嘿.- 嗨.好的, 莫尼卡, 瑞秋.这是我朋友 Roger.- 嗨, Roger.- 嗨, Roger.我倒点东西给你喝吧.你能帮我一下吗?好啊.恩... 他是来这里跟你做爱的.什么? 什么?不用谢我.菲比, 不要!没关系的.他还是个处男瑞秋, 我刚刚和他说了几句我想他要跟你做爱呢.好了，我们两个离开让你们独处吧.不~！你们别走, 我不管什么荷尔蒙作用了.我不要随随便便和一个男人做啊.好. 那你自己和Roger说因为他抱着很大期望.噢 宝贝. 看看那两个艳舞姊妹.我叫他们过来给你跳贴身舞吧, 吓?噢 很好, 先生.但那里只有一个女孩而已.宾...这是什么?是一只手.你把他当成是拿可乐的工具了.不是. 这是一个结婚戒指. 你一定要把它脱下来.我们现在就去河边把它丢进去!噢, 不, 不, 不.噢, 要, 要, 要, 要.我丢进去了以后爽得不得了如果你手动作做得对的话你可以打晕一只海鸥哦.好了. 噢, 我还要一串后备的钥匙.厄, 很显然, 我会无端端的把它们送出去的.嘿, 罗斯. 在做什么啊?你在换锁?不是啊.是那个人在换.我不明白啊. 你给我钥匙现在你又要换门锁.唔...祝你好运, 老兄.我... 我想我们跨出了一大步而你现在,你又向我发出这种信号.你到底想跟我说什么啊?我想要告诉你的是我给你做了一盘留言录音.什么?我爱你.噢... 噢!我也爱和你在一起的时间.嗨, 老婆, 我回来了.从鸡尾酒厂回来?太可怕了.为了不和Doug去吃晚饭我骗他说我和你分手了然后他带我去了所有夜总会和野鸡酒吧.然后, 当我不给他我的结婚戒指他用一个汽水罐扔鸟.过来. 我可以用嘴闻一下.噢，亲爱的.你知道最坏的是什么吗?我看到了没有了你我将会过的生活.知道吗, 那是一个只有贴身舞的理想世界.答应我，永远不要离开我我们两个一起变老然后一起过完我们的下半生.我答应你.嘿, 随便说一下我们不如一起寄出节日贺卡吧.噢. 我不知道我们有没有到那个程度呢.没错, 嗨. 我想要买一个比萨.噢, 嘿, 我可以问你一件事吗?今晚是不是那个金发帅哥送货?非常帅 而且性感的那个?我一会再打过来吧.那是谁?只是比萨店.你和比萨店搞上了?我从未和你的朋友搞上过啊.对不起, 我今天...今天过得太差了.噢，什么事啊?噢 你一定... 一定不想听这些事的.那我干嘛要问你啊?那好, 那是... 这让人很尴尬 但是最近, 因为怀孕了的关系我发现自己... 我该怎么说呢?唔... 性趣很大.正式的说是不是"性冲动?"没错.所以, 你知道, 我有着这样的感觉但不知道该如何处理因为我不能想普通人一样去约会没关系, 因为我不需要什么恋爱关系.我只是, 我只是要一晚.只有性, 明白吗?没有束缚, 没有关系...和一个我觉得不错的人一起不管他做什么工作.只是要一个夜晚.但那实在...太难... 找了?你今天过得怎么样?很好. 我, 厄, 看到一只很大很大的白鸽.那个, 我明天要早起 现在都差不多7:00了, 所以...没错, 我也要回房间了.好的, 晚安.晚安.我不能这样做!我没有叫你做!你是瑞秋!你是乔伊!你是我的好朋友!马上回去!没错... 还有, 这是错的又奇怪 而且还 坏得很.非常坏.我甚至不知道你在说什么因为我没有开口叫你做任何事!我知道!你想做吗?不想!我也一样!我只是在考验你!嘿, 很好, 我们的对话可以结束了.我们根本没有对话过.没发生过.- 晚安.- 晚安.给我回去!嗨.听着, 对于Roger的事很抱歉.我处理得太差了我想要补偿你一下, 唔,我带了点东西来 你应该会喜欢的.记住 我只是借给你的, 明白吗?我会要回去的, 所以.我现在要走了.对不起. 我以为我可以忍痛割爱, 但我实在做不到.
812 The One Where Joey Dates Rachel
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are entering carrying groceries and find Phoebe already there standing in front of a huge object that has been gift wrapped.]
Phoebe: Hey! I got you a present!!
Chandler: Oh my goodness! Where did you hide it?
Phoebe: I got it for your wedding and I ordered it weeks ago, and it finally got here!
Chandler: Pheebs you didn’t have to get us anything for our wedding you already sang…
Monica: (interrupting) I love it! It’s huge!! Let’s open it! Open it!! (Monica rips open the paper.)
Phoebe: It’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine!!
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: I didn’t know where to put it so I just left it here for now.
Monica: Oh well, maybe we can put it in the guest bedroom.
Chandler: Oh, okay.
Monica: All right. (He goes to push it and it doesn’t move.)
Chandler: I kinda like it here.
Phoebe: Do you really like it?
Monica: Are you kidding?! I practically spent my entire childhood at the arcade! This is like—Oh my, this is like my second favorite game!
Phoebe: Oh really? What was your first?
Monica: Well I-I really don’t remember the name of it.
Chandler: Well what did it do?
Monica: Well, you just—you put a quarter in and y’know pull-pull some handles and win like a candy bar or something.
Chandler: A vending machine?
Monica: Don’t feel bad for me! I won like every time!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Rachel are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey! Oh, I’m so glad you guys are here. I’ve been dying to tell someone what happened in the Paleontology department today.
Joey: (To Rachel) Do you think he saw us or can we still sneak out?
Ross: Professor Neuman, the head of the department, so….
Rachel: They made you head of the department!
Ross: No, I get to teach one of his advanced classes! (Pause) Why didn’t I get head of the department? (Goes and gets some coffee.)
Joey: Oh! Hey Rach, listen umm…
Joey: I got a big date coming up, do you know a good restaurant?
Rachel: Uh, Paul’s Café. They got great food and it’s really romantic.
Joey: Ooh, great! Thanks!
Rachel: Yeah! Oh, and then afterwards you can take her to the Four Seasons for drinks. Or you go downtown and listen to some jazz. Or dancing—Oh! Take her dancing!
Joey: You sure are naming a lot of ways to postpone sex, I’ll tell ya…
Rachel: Ooh, I miss dating. Gettin’ all dressed up and going to a fancy restaurant. I’m not gonna be able to do that for so long, and it’s so much fun! I mean not that sitting at home worrying about giving birth to a sixteen pound baby is not fun.
Joey: Hey, y’know what?
Joey: Why don’t I take you out?
Rachel: What?! Joey, you don’t want to go on a date with a pregnant lady.
Joey: Yes I do! And we’re gonna go out, we’re gonna have a good time, and take your mind off of child birth and c-sections and-and giant baby heads stretching out…
Rachel: (interrupting) Okay! I’ll go with ya! I’ll go! I’ll go with ya.
Joey: I’ll be fun.
Rachel: All right?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is watching Phoebe play Ms. Pac-Man.]
Phoebe: No. No! Yes! Ahh. Oh, would you look at that Monica? I just knocked off all of your top scores, how sad.
Monica: Okay, I’m next. (Phoebe starts another game.) Don’t! Don’t start another game! I said I’m next! Phoebe!
Phoebe: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you over all the winning.
Monica: Chandler! Phoebe’s hogging the game!
Chandler: Who cares? It’s a stupid game.
Monica: You only think it’s stupid because you suck at it.
Chandler: I don’t suck. It’s sucks. You suck.
Phoebe: Wait okay, if this game is gonna cause problems between the two of you, then maybe I should just keep it.
Monica: No! No-no! I love it! It is a great present! In fact, why don’t you go home and wait for the thank you card?
Chandler: Why do you want to play this game so bad?
Phoebe: Yeah! It’s not like it spits out a Clark bar after every game.
Monica: Okay. Phoebe that’s it. Come on, get out—out of the chair. Get out! (She goes to move Phoebe, but Phoebe goes limp and Monica can’t move her.) Oh come…Phoebe!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her date with Joey as there is a knock on the door.]
Rachel: Joey? Could you get that? (There is no answer and she goes and opens the door to Joey.) What are you doing here? I thought you were in your room?
Joey: No, I’m picking you up for our date. These are for you. (Hands her some flowers.)
Rachel: Ohh, Lilies. Joey, they’re my favorite. Thank you.
Joey: And, a brownie! (Hands her a bag with the brownie in it.) Well, half a brownie. Actually, it’s just bag. It’s been a long walk from the flower shop and I was startin’ to feel faint so…
Rachel: Oh man! This is so great! I actually feel like I’m going on a real date! Although, I have a hint of morning sickness, and I’m wearing underwear that goes up to about…(She snaps the waistband on her underwear that is just slightly below her breasts)…there.
Joey: Hey come on now, this is a real date. Uh, so…nice place you got here. Foosball, huh? Pizza box. Oh, a subscription to Playboy, my kind of woman.
Rachel: Yeah, actually that’s my roommate’s.
Joey: I would like to meet him. He sounds like a stand up guy.
Rachel: Ah yes, but he’s very protective of me so you’d better watch yourself.
Joey: Ah… Hey, so this roommate of yours…is he good looking?
Joey: Oh yeah, it must be tough to keep your hands of him, huh?
Rachel: (laughs) Yeah, but I’m pretty sure he’s gay.
Joey: No-no-no-no, he’s not! No! Why are you trying to ruin the game? Come on!
[Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is teaching a class.]
Ross: …which brings us back of course to Greely’s theory of dominance. (The bell rings.) Okay, that-that’s all for today. Oh, uh does anyone know where the Freeman building is?
Student: Yeah, it’s the new building on Avenue A.
Ross: What?! That-that’s all the way cross town, I’m supposed to teach a graduate seminar there in ten minutes.
Student: Ooh, dude. That’s not gonna happen.
(Ross grabs his things and runs to the door only to be blocked by his exiting students.)
Ross: Move it! Move it! Move it!! Hey!!! I’m the teacher!!
[Scene: The Freeman Building, Ross is entering his new class completely out of breath.]
Ross: Hello. (He throws his jacket towards the coat rack and misses.) I’m sorry I’m a little late. Ah—(Checks his watch)—Whoa! A lot late. Let me start by uh, by introducing myself, I am Professor Geller. (The bell rings.) So to sum up, I’m Professor Geller. Good job today.
[Scene: A Restaurant, a waitress is taking Joey and Rachel’s dinner order.]
Rachel: Now the filet mignon, what comes with that?
Waitress: There’s a side of steamed vegetables.
Rachel: Emmm. Now, instead of the vegetables, is there anyway I can substitute the three-pound lobster?
Joey: Y’know what? Bring her both, and I’ll have the same. (The waitress leaves.)
Rachel: Wow! This is shaping up to be a pretty good date—Oh, I almost forgot. I didn’t pay you the rent check.
Joey: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa, no roommate stuff. Okay? We’re on a date.
Rachel: Okay. Wow! So I get to see what Joey Tribbiani is like on a date. So do you have any moves?
Joey: No! No. Umm, just myself and if they don’t like me for—(Laughs.) I’m sorry I couldn’t even get through that.
Rachel: I knew it! I knew it. Come on tell me your moves.
Joey: Oh alright. Umm, well, okay, I usually start by having a bottle of wine sent to my table from a fan.
Rachel: Oh my God. And that works?!
Joey: Well it does when you combine it with, "This is so embarrassing, I just want to have a normal life!"
Rachel: Oh, you poor little famous man.
Joey: Oh okay, how about this one. I was gonna wait until the end of the night to kiss you, but you’re so beautiful…I don’t think I can.
Rachel: (looks interested) Oh my God! Wow! That was fantastic, I almost leaned in. I really almost did!
Joey: Alright, so…so tell me one of your moves.
Rachel: Alright. So where’d you grow up?
Joey: That’s your move? Boy Rach, you’re lucky you’re hot.
Rachel: Come on, just answer the question!
Joey: (exasperated) Queens.
Rachel: And so were-were you close to your parents?
Joey: Yeah, with my mom. Yeah, not so much with my dad.
Rachel: Why not?
Joey: I don’t know. I guess there’s just always been this distance y’know—I mean we both try to pretend it’s not there, but it is.
Rachel: (sympathetic) Oh. (Starts rubbing his wrist with her fingers.) It’s gotta be rough.
Joey: Yeah, it is. It’s really tough. Y’know sometimes I think—Wow!! Nice move!
Joey: "Where’d you grow up," it’s so simple!
Rachel: Thank you! And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the rest room.
(Rachel gets up and heads for the rest room.)
Rachel: And now you’re watching me walk away.
Joey: Yes I am! Again so simple!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is entering to find Chandler playing Ms. Pac-Man.]
Chandler: You are not going to believe what I did today!
Monica: Well it clearly wasn’t showering or shaving.
Chandler: I got good. I played this game all day and now I rule at it! They should change the name of it to Ms. Chandler. (Pause) Although I-I hope they don’t.
Monica: Wait a minute, you stayed home all day and played Ms. Pac-Man while I went off to work like some kind of chump?!
Chandler: Uh-huh, and I got all the top ten scores, I erased Phoebe off the board! High five! (Holds up his hand to give Monica a high five, only he can’t straighten his fingers.)
Monica: What is the matter with your hand?
Chandler: Well I’ve been playing it for like eight hours, it’ll loosen up. Come on, check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, they’re dirty words.
Monica: Chandler, why would you do that?
Chandler: Because it’s awesome.
Monica: You think this is clever?
Chandler: Well y’know, they only give you three letters, so after A-S-S it is a bit of a challenge.
Monica: Hey wait a minute, this one isn’t dirty.
Chandler: It is when you put it together with that one.
Monica: Ah, well if you don’t clear this off, you won’t be getting one of those from me. But Ben’s coming over here tomorrow to play this game, this can’t be there.
Chandler: Come on, he won’t even know what they mean.
Monica: Chandler! He’s seven; he’s not stupid.
Chandler: Have you talked to him lately?
Monica: All right, look I’m just gonna unplug it.
Chandler: No-no-no, if you unplug it, I’ll have nothing to show for my day! It would be like I was at work. (She unplugs it.) No! (And plugs it back in.) Hey look at that! Look at that, it’s still there! This thing must have some kind of primitive ROM (Read Only Memory, it’s a memory chip.) Chip in it or something!
Monica: Honey you-you got to beat your scores!
Chandler: With the claw?!
Monica: All right fine. Fine, I’ll do it. I’ve just got to get this off the screen. Carol and Susan are still upset that you taught him pull my finger.
Chandler: (smiles) Pull my finger—(Looks at his hand)—My hand is messed up.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Rachel are returning from their date.]
Rachel: I am not gonna answer that!
Joey: Oh come on! Just pick one! Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross if you had to, if you had to, who would you punch?
Rachel: No one! They are my friends, I wouldn’t punch any of them.
Rachel: Yeah, but I don’t know why. Look at me, I’m having such a wonderful time!
Joey: Me too! Hey Rach, can I just say I think this is the best date I ever had!
Rachel: I know!
Joey: I never laughed so hard—Did you see the wine come out of my nose?
Rachel: Joey, I think everyone saw the wine come out of your nose.
Joey: I gotta say, I never knew I could enjoy the non-sex part of the date so much.
Rachel: Well that is because you have never been on a date with me before.
Joey: Huh. Huh.
Rachel: All right, now don’t judge me. I normally wait until my date leaves, but you live here. I’m ripping into this swan.
Joey: Ah! Okay, well then you don’t judge me. I’m gonna suck on the cellophane from the brownie I had before. (They both do as they planned.)
Rachel: So tell me, what are Joey Tribbiani’s end of the night moves?
Joey: Ah, well, if I want the girl to kiss me, first thing I do is make my lips look irresistible.
Rachel: How do you do that?
Joey: Now you can’t tell anyone, but uh…I put on shiny lip balm.
Rachel: Oh my God!
Joey: Yeah, like a moth to a flame, I’m telling ya. Okay all right, so now you go.
Rachel: No, I don’t want to tell you.
Joey: Why not?
Rachel: Because it’s embarrassing.
Joey: More embarrassing than shiny raspberry lip balm?! (Rachel just looks at him.) I didn’t say raspberry before did I? All right just-just tell me Rach, just tell me!
Rachel: (laughs) Okay. All right, stand up. (They do so.) Well, when we’re at the door, I lightly press my lips against his, and then move into his body just for a second, and then I make this sound, "Hmmm." Okay, I know it doesn’t sound like anything, but I swear it works.
Joey: (stunned and turned on) Yeah. Why—Yeah, that would work for ya…
Rachel: All right, I gotta go to bed. Honey, I had such a wonderful time.
Joey: Oh. (She kisses him.) Yeah. (She goes into her room.) Me to. (He then starts to freak out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is telling Rachel about his class location predicament.]
Rachel: …you were 50 minutes late to the class, what did you crawl there?!
Ross: No, I ran. It was really far, and when did people stop understanding the phrase, "Get the hell out of my way!"
Rachel: Well, why didn’t you just take a cab?
Ross: Ugh, between the traffic that time of day and all the one-way streets it’ll take me twice as long. Besides, I teach the class three times a week, who am I? Rockefeller?
Rachel: Well you’re not gonna be able to keep doing this.
Ross: Well I have too. Okay? If I don’t, they’ll take the class away from me. And…I already put it in my family newsletter.
Rachel: You what?
Ross: You’ve seen it, the Geller Yeller.
Rachel: Right. Wow!
Ross: Besides, I-I think I figured out a much faster route, I’m sure I can make it this time. I just…I just can’t be afraid to get a little bit…hit by cars. (He goes to the bathroom as Joey enters.)
Rachel: Hi! Hey, remember how last night we were talking about that movie Cujo?
Joey: Oh yeah, I still can’t believe you haven’t seen Cujo. What is wrong with you?
Rachel: Relax! It’s not like it’s Citizen Kane!
Joey: Have you ever tried to sit through Citizen Kane?
Rachel: Yeah I know it’s really boring, but it’s like a big deal. Anyway, I was thinking about renting Cujo sometime.
Joey: Oh yeah? All right, let’s do it tonight.
Rachel: Well don’t you have that big date tonight?
Joey: Oh right!
Rachel: Hey Joey, can I ask you something?
Rachel: After our date last night, did you feel a little weird?
Joey: Oh my God! You did too? It totally freaked me out, what was that?!
Rachel: I don’t know! (Pause) I’m-I’m kinda thinking it-it was the lobster…
Joey: Oh yeah-yeah, the lobster.
Rachel: Yeah, I mean I was up sick all night.
Joey: Yeah me too, all night.
Rachel: Really?! How come we didn’t cross paths?
Joey: Yeah well that’s because uh…I stayed in my room. Yeah, you don’t want to look in my hamper.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is trying to erase Chandler’s dirty words while he looks on.]
Monica: Okay, I got that. I’ll escape over there. I’ll come back over here. All right, come on Ms. Pac-Man. It’s got—Right—(She dies.) Well, you’re just a little bitch, aren’t you?
Phoebe: (entering) Hey, you guys. Listen, I’m sorry that I was hogging the game before—(Sees the top ten list)—Oh my God! Your friends have some unfortunate initials!
Monica: They’re all Chandler.
Phoebe: Chandler sucks! He couldn’t have gotten this good!
Chandler: I did. (Looks at his still deformed hand) But it came at a price.
Monica: But Ben is coming over tonight and he can’t see this.
Chandler: Oh come on, by age seven kids have already seen orgies. (They both look at him.) Was it just me?!
[Scene: N.Y.U, Ross’s new class, he is entering out of breath.]
Ross: Yeah!!!! Yes, I made it! I’m on time! (Grabs a bottle of water from a student, takes a drink, and splashes some on his face like the marathon runners do.) Okay, why don’t we all uh, (Exhales loudly) open our books to page 23. Where… (Exhales again) Where you will see…a uh…a bunch of uh…red spots. Okay, (Closes his book.) umm, why don’t, why don’t you all start to read, while I—(Passes out and collapses.)
[Scene: A Restaurant, Joey is on his hot date and they’re not speaking right now.]
Joey's Date: Hey. Are you all right? You seem a little distracted.
Joey: No-no! I’m fine. It’s just… Hey, can I ask you something? Have you ever looked at someone that you’ve known for a while and then suddenly…suddenly see them a different way?
Joey's Date: You mean like from behind?
Joey: Yeah. Yeah, that…that’s exactly it. You’re right. Yeah.
Joey's Date: Ew, y’know what? One time I saw this guy from behind and he seemed like a totally normal guy and then he turned around and it was Stephan Baldwin!
Joey: (deadpan) Ooh! Yeah. So yeah, so you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Joey's Date: Totally! Wow! (Pause) Would you excuse me for a sec?
Joey: Oh yeah, sure. (She gets up, walks towards the bathroom, and Joey watches her go.) Ehhh.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, now it’s Phoebe’s turn to erase Chandler from the board.]
Monica: Oh my God Phoebe, you’re on fire!
Phoebe: I know!
Chandler: One more score to go! You can do it! (Touches her shoulder.)
Phoebe: Don’t touch me!!
Monica: Don’t touch her!!
Chandler: All right! Go left! Go left! Go right!! Go right!!
Phoebe: I can’t!! I can’t!! (She dies.) Noooooooo!!!!!!! You son of a bitch!!!!!
(At this point a stream of obscenities burst forth from Phoebe’s mouth just in time for Ben and Ross to enter and hear most of it, and in slow motion Ross tries to shield his innocent son from Phoebe’s vulgarity.)
Phoebe: Oh hi Ben—No!! Don’t look at the machine! (Covers the screen.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is watching Cujo while Joey returns from his date scaring Rachel.]
Rachel: Oh God! Thank God you’re home! I’m watching Cujo.
Joey: (incredulous) Alone?!
Rachel: Yes! But what is wrong with this dog?!
Joey: Hey, did you get to the part where they’re trapped in the car and Cujo’s throwin’ himself at the windshield?
Rachel: No! No! Seriously, what’s wrong with the dog?! Wait a minute, what are you doing home so early? What happened to your date?
Joey: Oh uh, it didn’t work out.
Rachel: Oh. Do you want to watch the rest of the movie with me?
Joey: Oh uh, okay. Yeah.
Rachel: Y’know, I never thought I’d say this about a movie, but I really hope this dog dies. (Joey brings over a stool at sits on it next to Rachel who’s in the big chair.) What are you doing over there? Come sit here, you protect me.
Joey: Oh sure, yeah, why not? (Sits on the arm of the chair.)
Rachel: Okay. (Pushes play.) Okay, that’s him! That’s him! That’s Cujo! That’s Cujo!
Joey: All right, I know! I know. Yeah, it’ll be okay.
Rachel: Oh my God….What’s he gonna do now? I can’t watch! (Drags Joey closer to her and cowers into his chest.) Oh. Seriously, how can you watch this? Aren’t you scared?
Joey: Terrified. (But for a totally different reason.)
[Scene: N.Y.U, Ross’s new class, this time he’s actually about to do a lecture.]
Ross: So is everybody here? I got here a little early myself. Let us begin. Now, the hydrosaurids have been unearthed in two main locations. (He moves to the map and we see why he made it to class on time, he’s wearing in-line skates and hasn’t taken them off.) Here. (Points to the map, somewhere in the Middle East, then spins on the skates and points to the map.) Here. (China.) Now as for the hydrosaurs…
(He tries to move in front of the class, only goes out of control and rolls into the hall, catching himself on the doorway with his pointer. He then pulls himself back into the room with the pointer, only he jams one end of it between the door frame and the door and breaks the pointer in half.)