jason: You know that in certain remote areas of Brazil, coffee is considered to be an
maggie: Yes please. I think it's working.
jason: Well in that case...Well it's there if you need it.
maggie: Oh I love Saturday mornings...so tranquil. You know if you listen carfully, you can
almsot here the leaves fall.
jason: Big leaves this year.
ben: You scuzz ball!
carol: You're the scuzz ball!
ben: Your Mamma!
carol: Your Mamma!
jason: Hey kids, kids, you both have the same mamma.Come on, what's this all about?
ben: Carol turned the water off! I was taking a shower and Carol turned the water off.
carol: I had to he wouldn't let me in the bathroom.
ben: I was indisposed.
carol: He was in there for an hour and a half.
ben: One hour, thirty three minutes and twenty two seconds.
carol: He's trying to get into the world record book.
maggie: As what Ben, the human prune?
ben: No. For taking the longest shower. The record's only three hundred and seventy four
hours. I can beat that easy.
jason: But Ben three hundred...that's two weeks. You can't stay in the water that long.
ben: That's what they told Jaques Cousteaux.
jason: Ben, Jaques had a submarine.
ben: Not when he was nine.
ben: Great! I want to be immortal, instead, just wet.
carol: Immortal? How long have you wanted to be immortal?
ben: Since I was two.
carol: Well if you promise to stay out of the bathroom, maybe I'll help you.
ben: Ok. Hey, I wonder what's the longest anyones gone without a shower.
carol: I think it was Mike last summer.
jason: Well we were talking about those tranquil Saturday mornings...
jason: I guess he couldn't get in the bathroom either.
mike: Hey mom, dad, I wanna take Karate. I wanna split boards, I wanna break bricks.
jason: Hey quick...hide the chimney.
mike: Come on dad, I'm serious.The first class starts today.
maggie: Mike...why are you so hot all of a sudden about taking karate?
mike: Can you believe that dad, she wants to know why I wanna take karate.
mike: Yeah dad.
jason: Why do you wanna take karate?
mike: You know, I just want to.
jason: The analytical mind at work.
mike: Oh come on dad. Does everyone have to have a reason for everything they do?
mike: There you go then. So you'll pay for the lessons.
mike: Why not?
jason: No reason.
maggie: Mike. I think I speak for both your father and myself when I ask you: Is there a girl
in this class?
mike: What? A girl? You know, I resent that.
jason: I'd take that as a yes.
mike: What are you guys talking about?
maggie: Remember when you just had to take horse back riding lessons.
jason: Yeah, because you said it would help you overcome your fear of large animals.
mike: Yeah well you've gotta admit that Debbie Dazamba was large.
maggie: Right, and remember when you just had to learn Scottish folk dancing.
mike: Yeah, I was just starved for culture. This is different dad. This is karate it's a man's
sport..and it costs next to nothing.
jason: Oh good good. You got change for a dollar. Ok, how next to nothing?
mike: It's only a hundred and twenty five dollars dad.
mike: ...and that includes a dozen training bricks.
jason: Mike, here's ten dollars. Go buy her a burger, it's cheaper.
maggie: Bought you some coffee.
jason: Hi...Oh no not there. Would you get me a coaster there please. I polished this thing
within an inch of its life this week.
maggie: Aha.And now you're just keeping it warm.Ah, what are you doing Jason that you
don't want me to see?
maggie: Aha. Looks like you're working on a test.
jason: Oh. I guess you could say that yes.
maggie: Well what kind of a test is it?
jason: It's a dull test.
maggie: I mean, what's it for?
jason: Well it's a test to measure dullness.
jason: It's so dull, I can't even talk about it.
jason: Ok, it's a marriage compatability test that I'm planning to give a couple of my patients.
maggie: Oh, how fun!
jason and maggie: Let's take it and see how we do.
jason: I knew we would say that.
jason and maggie: Oh don't be such a stick in the mud.
maggie: Oh, am I that predictable?
jason: No...no,no, you're spontaneous and impetuous, and that's what I love about you.
maggie and jason: ...be a wise guy.
jason: Maggie, this is a test for couples having problems, it pinpoints areas of conflict. We
have no conflict.
maggie: Oh yeah. I wanna take the test, do you?
maggie: See. Conflict.
jason: Maggie, it's a boring test.
maggie: Not from what I see here. The questions are profound...astute...full of
insight...especially the smutty ones.
jason: Ah yes, number twelve.If you like that, wait til you get to number thirty three.
maggie: Oh come on Jason, fill one out. If you do well I'll give you a big, er, thirty seven.
jason: Thirty seven. Well what more insentive could any red blooded, card carrying man ask
maggie: Forty two.
mike: Yeah, Boner, yeah look. Remember when we saw "karate kid". Yeah well what was it
that the old man told the kid was the most important reason to study karate? No, no I was out
getting the goobers. Yeah...aha...good...oh good, Boner, good, yeah, great. Yeah great.
Alright, thanks alot, bye bye.
Dad! Hey can we talk?
mike: Ah, look, I know that I kinda got upset this morning when you said I couldn't take the
mike: And I know that in the past I may have used these activities to meet girls, but you know
I'm really glad you put your foot down about these karate lessons dad, because it forced me
to look deeper into myself, and ask: "Mike, why do you want to take these lessons?"
mike: And the answer came to me dad. Mike you want to take karate...because it develops
mike: ...not only physical discipline, but spiritual discipline aswell.
jason: That's important to you, is it?
mike: Oh, yeah dad. I mean without discipline dad, each one of us is like a waterless craft in
the sea of conflicting desires.And you know what dad. I need the rudder that karate will give
jason: I see. So what you're saying is that you're taking karate to reach the spiritual state
mike: Right, Don Ho.
jason: Mike. Don Ho is the Hawaain singer who recorded " Tiny bubbles".
mike: Right. Very spiritual guy.
Ben: (singing) You aint nothin but a hound dog, cryin all the time. You aint nothin but a hound
dog, tryin all the time. Well you aint never caught a rabbit and you aint no friend o mine.
carol: He's up to forty six minutes now, we're gonna do it.
jason: Do what? Throw out his hip.
carol: No, break the world's record of the most consecutive hours of singing Elvis.
jason: I take it you're going for endurance here, not accuracy. How much longer before he
gets in the book.
carol: What time is it now?
jason: About one thirty.
carol: A week from Thursday.
jason: Carol. Ben, I'm sure Elvis would be touched but you can't keep this up for twelve days.
Ben! The king is dead. I'm sorry.
carol: How do you feel?
ben: I'm all shook up. (singing) Yeah, Yeah, I'm all shook up.
maggie: Ah so did you finish scoring our test yet?
maggie: Well what's it say, what's it say?
jason: Well for one thing it says you're impatient.
maggie: Oh, come on Jason, are we compatible or not?
jason: I am. You're not.
jason: No, go ahead see for yourself, we got an excellent score. Agreed on just about
everything...especially the smutty questions.
maggie: Ah, here's one we disagreed on. What is your favourite hobby? Oh Jason.
maggie: I said gardening, and you said collecting baseball cards. Oh how can we go on with
this rift in our marriage.
jason: Oh. It's impossible. We'll have to sell the house and divide the kids. You take Mike.
maggie: Oh oh, here's another one you screwed up. What side of the bed do you sleep on? I
said the left and you said the left.
jason: Well that's right, you take up most of the bed and I sleep on what's left.
maggie: Oh, no, here's another one you bodged up. Jason you should be more careful. Would
you ever keep anything from your spouse?
jason: What did I say?
maggie: You said yes.
jason: Well that's what I meant.
maggie: What do you mean, you'd keep things from me. That's like saying that you lie to me.
jason: No. Now you're twisting my answer. The question simply asks, would you ever keep
anything from your spouse. Anything's a big word. It means...anything.
maggie: Well thanks for clearing that up. Now will you tell me what liar means.
jason: Ah, come on Maggie. What are you making such a big deal of this for. I've always been
honest with you.
jason: Yes. Remember when someone once tried to mix cement in your blender. I stepped
forward right away and said "Ben did it".
maggie: Jason, you think this is funny don't you.
jason: No, honey I'm just saying...
maggie: Well I'll tell you what I remember. I remember the "Manor Poiset Inn".
jason: The Manor Poi....yes, where we had our honey moon.
maggie: Yes, now remember that first night, remember infront of the fire place...remem....
jason: Honey, I remember what we did infront of the fire place.
maggie: Remember what you said?
jason: Yeah, I said let's try that again...without the ice cubes.
maggie: You also said that total honesty is essential to a happy marriage.
jason: I said that after we were married? Ok, ok, I said that. But we're more mature now.
maggie: So now we lie like rugs.
jason: No, I'm only saying that there are some things that I might not volunteer.
maggie: Well like what things? Give me an example.
jason: An example.
jason: Two trains traveling in opposite directions.
jason: Train A going at 85 miles an hour...
maggie: ...I meant an example from our lives!
jason: Well you didn't let me finish; we were on train B.
maggie: Dammit! Be serious.
jason: Oh you want a serious example.
jason: Ok. Here's something I didn't tell you because I thought it might upset you.
maggie: I will not be upset.
jason: A couple of weeks ago, I ran into Alison Van Dyke at the dry cleaners.
maggie: Your old girlfriend?
jason: That's the one.
maggie: How nice! Now why wouldn't you want to tell that you ran into Alison?
jason: I don't know. Maybe I thought you'd be....
maggie: Be upset. Nonsense. Does she still strip for money?
jason: Maggie, she's an artist's model.
maggie: And what does she have to dry clean anyway? You'd have thought they'd just have
to hose her down once a week.
jason: See this is exactly why I didn't want to tell you.
maggie: Oh no no no no no. I'm not upset that you saw her. I'm upset that hid it from me. So
what did you and the nudist talk about?
jason: See I knew that I should have kept this to myself.
maggie: Right. That and all your other little squalid secrets. Well if you'll excuse me I'm off to
do a little jogging Jason.
jason: Well I guess that means, no number thirty seven tonight.
ben: I'm tired I'm hungry I'm bored. I have to go to the bathroom. I'm sick of this. I'm sick
carol: Ah that's the spirit. Tell me more. Tell me what you really hate.
ben: I hate everything. I hate this house. I hate this room, this sofa cushion, this table. I hate
mike: Hey, what's with him?
carol: He's going for a record of complaining. You have to complain for sixty two straight
hours. So far he's got two straight minutes.
ben: I hate minutes, I hate stop watches, I hate your face.
mike: Oh, I'll give you something to complain about.
ben: I hate getting beat up by people bigger than me. I hate pain.
carol: Ah Ben, let's go upstairs and find something for you to hate. I hate stairs, I hate this
closet, I hate these handles, I hate....
Linda: Hi Mike. Are you ready for the first class?
mike: Ah Linda. I said I'd meet you down at the karate class.
linda: Oh I know, I just thought it would be more fun if we walked together. Was I wrong?
linda: It is ok that I'm here isn't it?
mike: Yeah. Look why don't I give you a tour of the house. This is the hall closet
jason: Mike. Your mother come back from her jog yet?
jason: Thought I heard her voice.
mike: No, dad.
jason: Hey now Mike. There's no use in you and I discussing this karate thing anymore unless
you're gonna be straight with me. Now I still think there's a girl in this class.
mike: No way dad. Alright, well maybe there is this one girl, but we're talking flea collars and
milk bones. This girl is the elephant girl.
linda: Hiiiiyaa. Nice to meet you Mr. Seaver.
jason: You thought Debby Dezamba was an animal.
maggie: Oh, don't let me disturb you. I just think I left my glasses in here somewhere.
jason: So you did.
jason: Don't mention it.
maggie: Well it's all I wanted, I won't bother you anymore.
jason: It's no bother. In fact I have a free hour if there's anything you'd like to discuss...Mrs.
maggie: Well Doctor, there is something troubleing me.
jason: I knew it, I'm a psychiatrist. I sense these things. Would you like to sit down and tell
me about it.
maggie: It's my husband.
jason: What about him?
maggie: He's impossible. I mean I love him and he's a great father, but sometimes....
jason: Does he beat you?
jason: Drink to excess?
jason: Scratch himself in public?
jason: Then why is he so impossible?
maggie: Because he doesn't believe in total honesty.
jason: Mrs. Seaver, are you being totally honest with me now?
jason: Well there's one sure way to find out.
jason: Hypnosis. You just keep your eye on the hypnotic trance inducer...
maggie: Very impressive. Now may I see you do "walk the dog".
jason: Not for these prices Mrs. Seaver. Now you're getting tired. You can barely keep your
eyes open. You're out. Works every time. So Mrs. Seaver you are now incapable of telling a
lie, and everythin you say will be the complete and absolute truth. Do you understand?
maggie: Yes Doctor.
jason: Right. We'll start with a simple test question. What do you really think of your
husbands red plad blazer.
maggie: His red plad blazer?
maggie: Well I think that it really brings out the colour of his gums.
jason: The whole truth Mrs. Seaver.
maggie: I think it's the ugliest thing I've seen since carol's snake got caught in the dish
jason: Good, now we're getting somewhere.
maggie: And that awful tie he wears with it...makes him look as if a thrift shop blew up in his
jason: I only asked about the blazer.
maggie: I'm just being honest.
jason: Well I'm glad you're enjoying it. I have one more question for you Mrs. Seaver. By any
chance at last year's Christmas party, did Marty Brant make a pass at you?
maggie: Well how did....
jason: Well it doesn't matter how I found it. Did he make a pass at you or not?
maggie: Well...yes. But it was nothing. I wouldn't even call it a pass.
jason: He asked you to go to Taihiti with him.
maggie: Just for the weekend.
jason: Well why didn't you tell me? I mean doesn't a husband have a right to know when his
wife if propositioned?
maggie: Jason, I didn't see that there was any point in mentioning it. I mean honey, I didn't
want to ruin your friendship with Marty. Besides Marty had too much to drink, he didn't know
what he was doing.
jason: Oh I know, because as soon as you turned him down, he staggered over to me and
blabbed the whole sordid story.
maggie: Marty told you?
jason: Mmm. He confessed, and then he broke into tears and tried to blow his nose on my tie.
The one I wear with my red plad blazer.
maggie: Jason, I'm sorry, I should have told you.
jason: Maybe. Or maybe you realized that telling me wouldn't do anyone any good...so you
kept it to yourself. I admire you for that.
jason: Mmm. And I'm sure if Marty had been sober he would have told me everything....as
soon as you'd got back from Taihiti.
maggie: And I'm sure you'd have told me if Alison had been....nude.
jason: Right after we got back from Taihiti.
maggie: Jason, I mean Doctor Seaver, you've been very helpful.
jason: Yes. Well it has been a most productive session. However there is one other thing I'd
like to try with you...something I've never tried before with a patient
maggie: Oh? What's that?
jason: Number forty two.
maggie: Oh, Doctor!?!?
jason: There's no use resisting, you're under hypnosis.
maggie: Who's resisting?
carol: When those world record people get this letter, we'll be in their next edition for sure.
maggie: So what record did you guys break?
ben: Most failed attempts trying to get into the world record book in one day.
jason: And they said it couldn't be done.
mike: Mum dad, can I take modern dance?