ben: Here she comes and she's mad.
jason: Did you finish moving your science project carol?
carol: You bet.
maggie: Oh we're sorry sweetheart but we needed the guest room.
carol: So you throw my volcano out on the street?
mike: That's wrong mom, I say keep the volcano, just throw Carol out on the street.
jason: Carol, we're all sorry, it's just that Jeff's law school interview got moved up a week.
These things happen.
carol: Yeah well, I've cleaned it up as best I could. If he finds any soot in his bed he can sew
maggie: Boy...Jeff must be...twenty three by now...I don't think we've seen him since Fred
and Dorris moved to Ohio, what, five or six years ago.
jason: Yeah, I hope they've resolved that situation with his teeth.
ben: Oh yeah, now I remember this guy.
ben, carol and mike: Hi I'm Jeff, huh huh.
maggie: Hey, can it you guys. Now Jeff's a nice boy and while he's in this house I expect you
to treat him like one of the family.
mike: Ha ha ha.
jason: Better you treat him like a human being.
maggie: Oh that'll be him.
carol: Oh no please don't get up. I rather enjoy doing all the work in the house.
jason: Carol be nice!
carol: Oh come on dad, when have you ever known me not be...nice.
jeff: Carol? Boy somebody's really grown up.
ben: Somebody's reall been to an orthadentist.
jeff: Well after I graduated I decided to do some travelling in South America.
maggie: Oh, give us the high lites.
jeff: Well, I went to carnival in Rio, did some rock climbing in the Andes, and got dissentary
carol: That sounds fascintating.
jeff: You've obviously never had dissentary.
jason: So tell us about Brazil Jeff, I've always wanted to go there.
jeff: Well it's spectacular, the people, the history, the culture...
mike: Yeah I hear they got a load of nude beaches there.
carol: Mike!! He's so immature.
jeff: Nude beaches aren't so great Mike.
jason: Yeah, where are you supposed to keep your keys?
ben: You could hang them on your...I was going to say ear.
maggie: Ok, we're ready for a little "Trivial Pursuit".
jeff: Great! What are the teams?
mike: Hey, I'm not getting stuck with Ben again. I mean when he doesn't know the answer he
ben: I do not!
jason: Ben, it's ok Ben, I'll be on your team.
ben: Oh great, now I have to carry dad again.
maggie: Wait a minute, wait a minute, Jeff's our guest he should get to pick.
carol: Yeah Jeff you pick.
jeff: Ok, one question. Who wrote "Gulliver's Travels"? What's the chemical equation for (cuts
carol: Johnathon Swift, H2 SO4, the southern most tip of Argentina.
jeff: There's my partner.
jason: What's so funny?
maggie: Oh, I was just thinking about Carol and Jeff last night. She has such a crush on him.
jason: Nooo. Well I remember Miss White, my seventh grade biology teacher...wow. Of
course that was more of a relationship than crush.
maggie: Aha, and I bet every boy in your class had the same relationship.
jason: Na, I was different. I was the only guy allowed to clean out the hamster cage.
maggie: ooohh. Sounds pretty torrid
jason: It was in her apartments
jeff: Well I found that road map, now I really have to visit Aunt Vera.
jason: Ah, there's the one who's always dreaming up those fatal diseases.
jeff: Aha, you name it, she's almost died from it.
mike: And now for the Huntington Huskies, it's number sixty eight in your programme, and
number one in your hearts. It's Ben the sandman Seaver. Sandman, all of America wants to
know, why do they call you "The Sandman"?
ben: Cos when I hit 'em I put 'em to sleep.
jeff: What position do you play Ben?
ben: Defensive Tackler.
jeff: Wow! Big man hey? What do you tip the scales at... two eighty? two eighty five?
ben: Seventy three and a half
jason: Today he goes against the biggest of the line men in the league.
mike: Yeah "Jumbo Jimbo Lewsetski" four foot six, eighty one pounds.
ben: Say he can eat a whole cheeseburger in one sitting.
jason: Your last chance Jeff. Sure you don't wanna join us for some Piwi football.
ben: Yeah and you don't even have to watch the game. Most guys just watch the Piwiettes.
jeff: I'd really love to guys, but I promised my Aunt Vera I'd stop by so she could do this for
half an hour: "Oh Jeff I've been dancin', why don't you call more?"
mike: Hey well if she's dead when you get there why don't you swing by the game.
mike: Just kidding.
maggie: Well we're about ready, where's Carol?
mike: Want me to go and get her for you mom?
mike: Yo rhino breath!!!!!
carol: Mike you are such a....Oh hi Jeff.
maggie: Come on Carol, are you ready to go to the game?
carol: Oh, er, I've got to watch my banana bread cool.
jason: Oh Carol, I'm no physicist, but I think it can manage without you.
carol: I can't abandon it now dad. I've been with this bread since it was dough.
jason: Well ok, let's go team!
maggie: Bye guys!
jeff: Oh well I'm out of here
carol: Oh? What do you have planned for the day?
jeff: Well I'm gonna visit a relative, then I'm gonna meet a friend in the city for dinner and a
carol: Ah, what are you gonna see?
jeff: The new Gershwin review.
carol: Ah I just love Gershwin. His music is so...musical.
carol: Hello. No there's no spud brain here!
jeff: Oh Carol I think that's for me. Yo Tommy! Buddy! Bro! You jerk! Well what am I
supposed to do with these two tickets? Fine yeah great! Good talking to you too spud brain,
carol: Yeah Jeff.
jeff: What are you doing tonight?
carol: Errm. Eating Banana bread.
jeff: Darn! Shoot! Heck! I was hoping you weren't busy.
carol: I'm sure I can get out of it.
jeff: Would you like to see the Gershwin Review tonight?
carol: Gee! Shucks! Such short notice. Oh what the heck.
jeff: Great, pick you up from your place?
carol: Do you know where I live?
jeff: Let's see...second door from the bathroom.
jeff: That's it.
carol: Someday he'll come along, the man I love, and he'll be going to NYU law school in the
fall, the man I love, the man I love (singing).
jason: Hup to, hup to.
mike: He's down field, he's got the wide low fetcher in the open...and perfect pass...mediocre
catch and wait here's another tackle for Ben "the meat clevre" Seaver.
jason: Are you guys hungry?
ben: Not me, I had Jumbo Jim for lunch.
mike: Alright, somebody get this kid a cheeseburger.
jason: A whole one?
ben: Yeah, and make it raw.
maggie: Hey I hate to sound like a mother here, but you guys won't be happy til you've
broken something, will you?
jason: No, no
maggie: Ok team, hit the showers!
mike: Ok, remember punting practice is in the living room. Joke mom, joke.
maggie: So have you heard what your daughter has planned for tonight?
jason: Not price indexing her "National Geographics" again.
maggie: No, she's going to dinner and the theatre in the city....with Jeff.
jason: Oh, that sounds alot like a date.
maggie: I'm afraid that's what Carol thinks.
jason: Oh, and Jeff just thinks that he's taking his little friend Carol out to see a show.
maggie: You got it.
jason: Well, we shouldn't be too protective and tell her she can't go, she'll be crushed.
maggie: Yeah, but if we let her go and then she finds out she's taking it all wrong, she'll
jason: Well, at least she'll get to see a good show first.
jason: Well Maggie, maybe Carol isn't as carried away as we think. I'm sure on some level she
realizes that Jeff's an adult and she's still a child.
mike: Well...look at you...
jason: Holy cow!
carol: Wow, the show was great, the theatre was packed!
jeff: It's always like that on helmet night. Thankyou.
carol: She's very pretty.
jeff: She's ok.
carol: If she's only ok, I'd like to see your idea of great.
jeff: Looks aren't everything, she looks a little dopy to me.
carol: So you ideal women should be intelligent?
jeff: Yeah, I like an intellectual woman. But she should be romantic too. But not take herself
too seriously. Like that!
carol: Alright, what else?
jeff: Wait a minute. You have someone specific in mind don't you?
Leslie: Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey Backman, it's really you.
jeff: Leslie, I don't believe this, I thought you were in London.
leslie: Oh yes, well I had a fight with my acting coach. He insisted I played lady Mcbeth in a
jeff: Hey, I'd go.
jeff: Sorry Leslie, this is...
jeff: ...Carol Seaver, Carol this is Leslie Barrinson. Carol's an old family friend. She's like the
little sister I never had
leslie: Wow, Oh that's sweet! What grade are you in, in school Carol?
carol: Ninth. If you'll excuse me I have to go to the bathroom.
jason: Ok, I think I hear them. Let's try and act natural.
maggie: Hi honey.
carol: Hi mom, hi dad!
carol: Well, I'm off to bed now.
maggie: Wait, wait honey! How was the show?
carol: The show?
carol: Oh, the show was great. Well good night.
carol: What dad?
jason: Where's Jeff?
carol: Oh my goodness, I must have locked him out. Oh Jeffrey, I'm sorry, I guess I just
forgot about you.
jeff: Well it's really my fault for not really wanting to sprint that last fify yards.
carol: Right well, nighty night.
jeff: Er, I think I can explain.
jeff: Well, I guess that's it.
jason: Hey kids why don't you help Jeff get his bags in the car.
mike: Ok, I get the big one
ben: No, I want the big one!
mike: Ok, but only because you're my brother and I love you. Works every time.
jeff: Be sure to say goodbye to Carol for me, I really feel terrible about last night.
maggie: Oh Jeff, how many times do we have to tell you, it's not your fault.
jason: Carol gets a little carried away, but she's resiliant. She gets hurt, she bounces right
back. That's bouncing.
carol: Oh Jeffrey, I'm so glad I caught you before you left, I'd like you to meet Richard
jeff: Pleasure to meet you Richard.
jason: Significant other what?
carol: Richard's been out of town. He just flew in from Paris.
maggie: Oh, now what were you doing in Paris Richie?
Richard: Ah, I was on business.
jeff: What do you do Richard?
jason: He's our paper boy.
jeff: Well that's some round.
carol: Well, aurevoir Jeff. Do come back soon. Richie and I will be upstairs, we have so much
catching up to do.
Ow. We're so this way.
Rich: Oh, oh, this is incredible! Oh I mean, I come here to collect for the paper and I find
romance. Then, they say it comes when you least expect it.
carol: Get out of here! Not that way, this way.
rich: We're on the second floor.
carol: There's a ledge and a drainpipe; use your imagination. Now out!
rich: Alright, I'm going, I'm going. Wait, is this a test of my love for you
carol: Sure, now please out. I've been such a jerk
jason: Hi. Where's Richie?
carol: Oh, I threw him out.
maggie: Out where?
carol: Out there. Don't worry he climbs like a squirrel.
jason: Well, sounds like you two have a pretty stormy relationship.
carol: Oh come off it dad, you know Richie and I don't have a relationship. I just pretended he
was my boyfriend so I could get back with Jeff.
maggie: Ah sweetheart.
carol: Jeff must think I'm the biggest...Duffus he's ever seen.
jason: No Carol, Jeff does not think you're a duffus. He thinks you're a beautiful intelligent
young woman. Who just happens to be a bit too young for him
carol: Yeah sure.
maggie: No Carol, that's what he said. He feels terrible about the whole thing.
jason: Everyone acts a bit crazy sometimes. That doesn't mean you're a jerk. It just means
you follow your heart.
maggie: That's right honey. In fact your father made a major bozo out of himself over a
seventh grade biology teacher.
carol: Oh, what did you do?
jason: Oh, I didn't do anything....
maggie: Oh, come on...
jason: Well mine's a little embarrassing. I kidnapped her hamsters and threatened to flush
them if she married Mr. Sprinkleman, the shop keeper
maggie: You didn't tell me that.
carol: You didn't really do that.
jason: I really did. And I put a bag over my head and sat outside her window singing "that's
what you get for loving me".
carol: You must have looked like a real dufus.
jason: That happens to be one of my best numbers. Well I'm sure your mother's not exactly
innocent in the dufus for love department.
carol: Ah, what have you done?
maggie: Oh well honey I've done so many silly things, I couldn't possibly list them all.
jason: Oh come on, pick one.
carol: Yeah, the silliest
maggie: Well ok, ok, let's see. Ok, once, once I wrote a note that said "I think you're cute" to
a boy I didn't even know.
carol: That's the silliest thing you ever did?
jason: You're mother's a pretty zany lady Carol.
carol: So I guess you're trying to tell me this problem's genetic. Mom?
maggie: Yes sweetheart.
carol: Did Jeff really say that he thinks that I'm beautiful, and intelligent.
maggie: Mmm. He really said that.
jason: And I think he'd appreciate it if you went downstairs, and said goodbye to him.
carol: He's still here.
jason: He said he'd wait for you.
carol: Yeah? Did he say how long
jeff: Hi. I really appreciate you coming down to say goodbye, what with Richie flying in from
Paris and all
carol: Well Richie and I have an understanding...he lets me say goodbye to other men.
jeff: Look, Carol, if I hurt you in any way I'm really sorry....
carol: Hey don't worry about it, we had some good times. What more can you ask from life.
jeff: Yeah. Well if it makes any difference, if I was fourteen, I'd be one love sick puppy.
carol: Imagine how fun it would be if we were both twenty three. Well maybe when I'm
twenty three and you're thirty two.
jeff: Or when you're thirty two and I'm forty one.
carol: Hey, I'm not going to be wanting to date any old geezers when I'm in the prime of my
jeff: What if I'm a rich old geezer? You know you're very special Carol, pretty soon you're
gonna bump into some lucky guy your own age, who's going to find that out. Bye Carol.
carol: Bye Spudbrain. Richie!
Richie: Well, guess I should be going huh?
carol: Ah, Richie, I'm sorry I was so rude to you, I hope you can forgive me
richie: Oh that's ok, this was the best day of my life.
carol: You're sweet, thanks for everything.
richie: Sure. You know I couldn't help but over hear what Jeff was saying about some lucky
guy your own age, I just thought that since I am fourteen and....
carol: Go! Men!
jason: Ready! Set! Tingo, Biker, Germaine!
carol, ben and mike: Ok, hey!!
maggie: Ok, you guys really won't be happy until something gets broken, will you?
jason: Alright, time out, I'm sorry, mother's right.
maggie: Aaarghh. Huh, huh.