maggie: Mail's here, telephone bill, letter from your mother, "Simone's of Siyasi Sexy
jason: Mmmm. Wonder how we got this.
maggie: Mmm. I don't know. Could it be because it's addressed to a Doctor Jason Seaver?
jason: Is it now. You know I've been getting this darn junk mail ever since I sent away for
"Slim Whitman's Greatest Hits".
maggie: Mmm. The winter catalogue. Jason, a woman could freeze in an outfit like this.
jason: They'd keep me warm.
maggie: Oh, I can't believe this...seemless, strapless...see through ...blueberry, raspberry,
jason: Well who says you can't eat well and have a little fun too?
ben: Not me!
carol: What you reading Mom?
maggie: Ooh, just this diet magazine we got in the mail, it's ...garbage.
mike: Mom, Dad, hold onto your hats. We have got a Speckled Chickedy out by the garage.
mike: So!!! Good God woman. Don't you realize that the Speckled Chickedy is almost
exclusively indigenous to the lower Adarondac valley? We have got a freak of nature out
ben: We've got a freak of nature in here too.
maggie: Gee Mike, I didn't realize you were such a woodsy kind of guy.
mike: Mom, me?
mike: Heck, yeah. I mean sometimes I feel more at home being outdoors, than I do in my
jason: That's because outdoors is cleaner.
mike: Na, I'm serious Dad I mean, nature's always been a great release for me, from the
pressures of suburban life.
jason: And that's why what you want is....
mike: ...to go camping with Jimmy and Boner, and Boner's older brother Mich. I mean he's
the most mature guy in the whole high school.
carol: He ought to be he's twenty one.
maggie: So Mike, what do you and your friends plan to do all weekend?
mike: Breathe free Mom.
jason: And once you get the hang of that, then what happens?
mike: Then,ah the usual, a little fishing, hiking, dirt biking, bird watching, stuff like that.
maggie: Wait a minute, wait a minute. What was that right before bird watching?
mike: Dirtbiking, I said dirtbiking, ok.
maggie: Jason, may I have a word with you in the lirrnrm.
ben: She said, "may I have a word with you in the lirrnrm". What's wrong with you people?
jason: Well here we are in the lirrnrm, to discuss Mike's ddrrttbikn.
maggie: Come on Jason, I think it's important that we present a unified front to the kids.
mike: I wish I knew what they were saying.
carol: I know what they're saying, "we've got to present a unified front to the kids".
ben: And Dad is saying, "come on Maggie, I know Mike's screwed up before, but we can't
raise the kid in a bubble".
carol: And Mom is saying, "I don't see why not, it's not like it's never been done before".
ben: And Dad is saying, "Maggie, you're over reacting".
maggie: I am not over reacting!! I just don't want to see him get himself killed up there.
jason: Oh honey! He could get killed right here, he could fall down the stairs, he could drown
in the tub, he could choke on my "pastrami surprise".
maggie: Well that does it. Tomorrow we're gonna get that kid a bubble.
mike: Come on, who's kidding who, I mean they're not gonna let me go camping 'cause it's
mike: I know, I know; you guys don't have any fun, so you don't want me to have any fun.
carol: Mike, they didn't wanna have you.
jason: Mike, we decided to let you go camping.
mike: Oh, I can. Alright!!!
maggie: But you can't go dirt biking.
mike: I can't go dirt biking. Dad what does she mean I can't go dirt biking?
ben: Well Mike, my interpretation would be, you can't go dirt biking.
mike: I knew you guys didn't want me to have any fun.
maggie: Mike, it's not a question of fun, it's a question of .....death.
mike: But Mom I could get killed right here at home.
jason: Well frankly, your mother and I discussed that and we preferred it that way.
mike: Alright, but I don't believe you guys.
jason: Hey Mike there's something you ought to consider here...
ben and carol: We don't have to let you go at all.
ben: And all of a sudden the dream changes, I'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth, and
then they're not my teeth anymore....and it's not my face. It gets all ugly and weird...it's
either the elephant man, or Mike!!!
carol: Ah, this part gets a little fuzzy. Ben, I paid you at the beginning of this dream.
ben: But this one's extra long
carol: Look I'm a poor student working on a paper. Ok, but from now on it's fifty cents per
dream, up front, no matter what the length.
ben: Ah it's clear now, I turned into Mike, I'm beating myself up, my life is wasted but I'm too
stupid to know it!!!
ben: And then I wake up.
carol: So did you have any other dreams last night?
ben: No that was the only one.
carol: But Ben, I need more material to analyze.
ben: Carol, it's the middle of the day, I can't just fall asleep, I need something to relax me,
to get me in the mood. Suddenly I'm getting drowsy.
maggie: Oh Jason, I want you to see something.
jason: The "Simones Catalogue".
jason: I thought you threw that away.
maggie: Oh, I did, but somehow it found it's way back home.
jason: Well maybe some good samaritan passing by, saw it falling out of the garbage, noticed
the address and returned it.
maggie: And taped it back together?
jason: A very good samaritan.
maggie: And slipped it into my lingerie draw.
jason: Possibly a great samaritan.
maggie: Jason, something tells me you'd like to see me in one of those outfits
maggie: Not even a little bit?
jason: I'm not that kind of guy.
maggie: Oh of course not Jason, but if you had to be that type of guy. Let's just say, let's just
say there was a gun at your head, which one would you pick?
jason: Naa Maggie, I didn't even....page seventeen, item twenty six, ninety three, with the
maggie: Oh with the whistle.
jason: Just off the top of my head.
maggie: Aha, seventeen, call of the wild
jason: In pink.
carol: Boy, Ben had the weirdest dream. I think he's got some deep rooted anxiety towards
jason: Who doesn't?
maggie: I wish I didn't.
maggie: Oh Jason, he's out there in the wilderness, with Boner. Did we make a mistake?
jason: Maybe...fifteen years ago. But we agreed not to worry about it this weekend.
maggie: Oh, I just hope he's ok.
mike: "I want you Gwen, I need you because I'm a man", he snorted, "and so at last, finally,
I mean now, I get to realize my dream"
boner: Which is?
mike: To be continued in next month's issue, oh great, well this thing doesn't even have a
jimmy: Oh way to go Boner.
mich: you're up Seaver.
mike: Ah look Mich, I told you, I dirt biked my brains out last summer and I'm kind of burned
out on the experience.
boner: Wait a minute Seaver, didn't you tell me last week that you never tried one of these?
mike: Yeah one of these. I mean this is the Oshima 705, now I've tried the 702, the 703, 704
and almost everything else.
mich: Oshima don't make the 704 Seaver.
mike: Yeah, because when I tested the prototype, I told 'em it was a piece of garbage.
mich: You're not afraid of the 705 are you...Mikey?
mike: Hey look guys, I'm just not supposed to.
boner: Who says? Your Mommy!!
mike: No not my Mommy, my Mom. The jokes don't stop coming with you guys, do they? Well
you see the fact is that, well several prominent Doctors have advised that breaking any more
bones could kind of ruin my chances of turning pro.
mich: I didn't know they had professional wusses.
mike: Ok I'm not a wuss ok?
mich: No, no, no, no, no, he's not a wuss, he just does a good imitation of one.
mike: Hey, knock it off!
mich and boner: Oooohhh! Mikey's mad
mike: Give me the bike. I'm not doing any stunts.
boner: Wow, look at him go, I didn't realise those things could go through a bush like that.
mich: Now he's got his elbows wrapped around the handlebars. Look he's hanging from the
boner: And he said he wasn't gonna do any stunts.
mich: Holy Cow.
mich: I couldn't find him anywhere.
jamey: You don't think he went over the cliff, do ya?
mich: Well if he did, that mean more ribs for us.
mike: Hey guys how's it going?
mich: Jees, Seaver, we thought you boarded up there.
mike: Oh you mean my trick dismount?
boner: You mean you expect us to believe that you did that on purpose?
mike: Yeah of course I do look, you're my friend, you're not all that bright.
mich: Wow, look at the back of his pants.
mike: What's wrong with the back of my pants?
mich: They're not there.
Jamey: We better go home and get him to a doctor.
mike: No, no look man, I'm fine really. Just need to sit down for a minute. Aarrrgghh!!
nurse: May I have your name again, Sir?
mike: Ah, Mcmannus, Bartholemew Mcmannus.
nurse: Well Bartholemew...
mike: Just call me Barth.
nurse: Ok, Barth. The doctor will see you in a moment, why don't you just have a seat.
mike: Ah, no, no, I sit all day.
doctor: I'll need Mrs. Crandon's xrays...Michael, Michael Seaver.
mike: Hi Doctor Mcloughski, look I didn't think you worked on weekends. Don't you have that
doctor: Oh you mean Doctor Emmet, no he's on vacation this week.
mike: Well you must be very busy, look I'll come back some other time...
doctor: Nonsense, nonsense, here, jump up here. Now what seems to be the trouble?
doctor: I guess that says it all. I'll have a look.
mike: It's just a little scratch Doc.
doctor: Ah that looks bad Mike...it's broken in half. Does that hurt.
mike: Aarrgghh!! No, no, not really. Was that you?
doctor: How did this happen Mike?
mike: To tell you the truth doc. it's kinda always been like this; it's just acting up.
mike: Ok, ok, I was at a party and I sat on a hot pizza.
doctor: Oh, well there seem to be some abrasions.
mike: Those are cheese marks.
doctor: And what about the gravel?
mike: Err, we didn't order that.
ben: So I'm flying over New York in my underwear, and then all of a sudden people start
yelling, "hey look, it's on inside out!"
carol: Now is this before or after the one where you were Ben "the forgotten" Kennedy?
ben: It was before that, and after the one where I turned into the human hotdog.
carol: Ben, you know I'm getting graded on this paper. You're not just making this stuff up
ben: No Carol, these are real dreams.
carol: You swear.
ben: Cross my heart. I'd never make up a dream.
carol: Great well, this should be enough for penetrating, a psychological profile of the real
ben: Penetrating and profitable.
jason: (sining) Get your motor running, heading on the highway, yes I'm looking for
adventure, ooh, and whatever comes my way.
maggie: Jason you are crazy!
jason: Why, because I was born to be wild?
maggie: Mmm, no because you have a dirt bike in my living room.
jason: Well we also have a very unhappy boy up at Bear Mountain right now, so I thought why
go out and rent a bike and teach him how to ride myself.
maggie: What a sweet and incredibly terrifying idea.
jason: Maggie, I know what I'm doing. I used to ride a Harley for crying out loud.
maggie: I know sweetheart, I visited you in the hospital.
jason: Hey that cow came out of nowhere.
carol: I'm gonna kill you!
ben: I'm gonna kill you back!
carol: You can't; you'll be dead.
ben: Not if I go slowly.
jason: Wow, hold on, I'll do the killing around here
carol: Ben ruined my paper.
jason: Not the portrait of a sleeping nine year old?
carol: He said all the dreams he sold me were real, and now I catch in on the front lawn,
buying a nightmare from Ralph Binsterwald.
ben: Hey, I said they were real dreams, I didn't say they were mine.
ben: So I bought a few off some friends...I barely broke even.
ben: Ok, ok, so I made a two hundred percent profit, but is that such a crime?
carol: But you ruined my paper, now all my conclusions are meaningless.
jason: Oh, I don't know Carol, I think there might still be a paper in there somewhere...say
"the emergence of the criminal mind", Or, "the effects of swift and severe punishments" such
as...doing your sister's chores for a whole weekend.
carol: Oh I think it'll take a lot more than a weekend to get reliable data, I need at least a
jason: Sounds like a good idea to me. What do you say Ben?
ben: Oh, I hate it.
jason: Ok, make it a month.
ben: A week sounds fair.
jason: Ben, Ben, never sell your dreams..
ben: Not at these prices.
mike: Mom!! Have you lost weight?
maggie: What are you doing here?
mike: Here? Here Mom? Let me ask you this, what are any of us doing here. It's a timeless
question, I think a dead philosopher once said...
jason: Mike!! What are you doing here?
mike: Dad!! Have you lost weight?
maggie: Mike, how come you're home a day early?
mike: Ah well to tell you the truth Mom I kinda got into a little argument with Boner.
jason: Aahh, I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm glad you're home Mike, 'cause I have a surprise
for you. Come on, take a look.
maggie: Mike, how come you're walking like that?
mike: I'm just trying to keep the suspense alive Mom.
jason: There she is Mike, Is that a mean machine, or what?
jason: It is an Osima 705. You ever see one of these babies?
mike: Ah, yeah once, it was going the other way.
maggie: Your father rented it for the weekend so he could teach you how to ride.
mike: Oh gee, what a Dad, what a pal, what a guy! Ahh well I'm off to bed now
jason: Mike, bike. Come on, plant that duff up here.
mike: Which stuff? Where?
jason: Come on Mike, go! Hop on!
mike: Ah, comfortable.
jason: Come on, sit down!
jason: It's not gonna bite ya. It's got great suspension too...Hey? Feel that. Maggie, I think he
likes it. VVRROOOOMM!!! Feel the wind in our hair already.
maggie: Jason, might I have a word with you?
mike: Yeah Dad, have words, lots of words. Nothing that says it quite like words.
maggie: Jason, that was Doctor Mcloughski on the phone, seems Mike stopped by there
jason: Yeah, what for?
maggie: Turns out he has some pretty bad bruises and abrasions on his gludio region.
jason: Well why didn't he tell us? Oh, now could these be the kind of bruises that you get
from say, er, falling off a dirtbike?
maggie: Mmm, you know, I just happened to ask Doctor Mcloughski the same question.
jason: And he said...
maggie: It's either that, or a freak shaving accident.
jason: Oh Mike, ready to go biking?
mike: Now Dad?
jason: Yeah, come on. We're gonna take this little puppy over some of the roughest terrain on
maggie: Aha, you know your father was out all day scouting for potholes.
maggie: And if you were real men, you'd do it without shock absorbers.
jason: Yeah, let's take them off, what do you say?
mike: Er, no, no Dad, I don't think we should do this. I mean dirt bikes are death machines,
people fall off and get hurt.
jason: No, no way, no, only a bone brain would fall off. Well come on! Let's get your rear in
gear, let's go Mike!!
maggie: Yeah come on Mike!
mike: Look, please don't make me.
maggie: But why not?
mike: Because I'm a bone brain alright. I mean I fell off one of these things on Bear Mountain.
I promised I wouldn't ride it and I did, and I got hurt. I mean you warned me and I didn't
listen to you. You were right, you're always right; personally I find that annoying. What is it
with you people?
maggie: I don't know Jason, what is it with us people?
jason: We can't help it. We're older. We're wiser.
mike: I find that annoying too.
jason: Then wait until you hear this. I think we agree that you should spend the next week in
mike: Can I spend it lying on my face?
jason and maggie: Oh alright.
jason: Hey Mike, what really upsets us, is not only that you went and rode the dirt bike, but
you tried to deceive us. I mean if you get hurt, we need to know.
mike: Does that mean that if I had told you guys, I wouldn't be punished.
jason and maggie: No.
mike: Just checking.
jason: Well, what a pity to waste this. It's rented for the whole weekend.
maggie: Oh well I don't know.
jason: Hot, very hot! Can you sit like that for the entire rental period?
maggie: Well I've got a better idea. Why don't we just take a little spin....upstairs.
maggie: A little shopping today at Simone's of Siyasi today picked up "call of the wild".
jason: In pink?
maggie: In chocolate. Ha ha.
jason: (singing) Get your motor running, heading down the highway
jason: Come on Mike, let's go!
mike: I'm not going.
maggie: Oh come on Mike, we'll miss the movie.
mike: Mom, people will see me.
jason: No they won't it's a drive in.