mike: And he's tearing up the board folks, this man cannot be stopped! Alright give me your
best shot here Carol, I feel hot, I feel ready.
carol: Ok. Ha ha ha! What nineteen fifty seven, Roger Coreman film, starred Pamela Duncan
and Richard Garland?
mike: What are they serious?
mike: "Attack of the Crab Monsters". Come on, give me a hard question Carol.
carol: I don't believe it.
mike: Oh wow, Carol! You remember this song? (song on the radio plays)
carol: Oh yeah! Mom and Dad used to play this to us all the time when we were little!
mike: Yeah! remember what we used to do? (Mike and Carol sing and dance together)
ben: I hope this isn't hereditary.
maggie: Hey guys report cards came!
carol: Oh yeah! Report cards came!
maggie: Yeah. Here's yours.
jason: Maggie, we have a child who actually likes getting report cards; where did we go
carol: I don't even know why I'm so nervous...I mean I already know what I got...Yep A, A,
A, A, A, A....woooo!!!
maggie: Oh, that's great sweetie. Mike!
maggie: C, C, C, C, C....D, B.
jason: Well he did get one B. Phys Ed?
maggie: You got it. What drives me crazy is that...
jason: I know. He's not dumb.
maggie: In first and second grade he got B's and B pluses.
jason: Well that was before Carol came along and started getting all A's...the nerve!
jason: Well at least he had two great years. That's better than that poor guy a couple of Popes
jason: Maggie, maybe we're being a little too hard on him, you know not all kids have to get
maggie: But for the last couple of years it's been getting worse. Well that's what puberty's for;
you take a difficult situation and you make it impossible.
maggie: Where you been Mike?
mike: Oh, I thought I'd go look for Duke.
jason: Mike, Duke ran away six months ago.
jason: And he wasn't our dog.
mike: But what does that really mean Dad? "Our dog". I mean can one person ever really own,
another living thing?
maggie: Hey I got a great idea. Why don't we all take a look at what's in this envelope.
mike: Oh, Ok. "If your name is Mike Seaver you may have already won two million Dollars".
Hey look Mom, before you get too upset, ah, you should know that some of these grades
might be wrong.
jason: What scares us, is that some of them might be right.
mike: Hey I got a C average. That's not bad, it's average.
maggie: Is that what you wanna be Mike? Average?
mike: Well it's a higher C, so actually it's a little above average.
jason: Don't they have C pluses for that?
mike: Well it's not that high!
maggie: You could do better than this. Can't you?
mike: It's not my fault Mom, I have a personality conflict with my teacher.
jason: Well Mike, you have about the same grade for six different subjects, with six different
mike: I know. The profession just seems to attract people who are difficult to get along with.
maggie: Mike! How many times do we have to go through this? I mean you're just gonna
have to work a little harder.
mike: I am working hard!
maggie: Then why is it every time I go up to your room when you're supposed to be studying,
you're either napping or throwing darts.
mike: It's how I unwind.
jason: Look Mike! Are you saying you're trying as hard as you can?
jason: So these C's are honestly the best you can do?
mike: No, I can better than C's Dad.
jason: Well Mike. What about this D in Geometry?
mike: I dunno.
jason: Are the classes too hard for you? I mean you rather be in a Math section that's a little
mike: Dad, I can do it! I mean I'm passing aren't I? Look you don't have to go putting me in
with the rejects!
carol: Hey Mike! Wanna finish our game?
mike: Er, no, I wouldn't want to keep you from admiring you A's...please go ahead, don't let
me stop you.
carol: Come on Mike!
mike: Ah come on, don't be modest Carol! Let's share this special moment. Oh I'm so proud
of you Carol...Algebra, A. Social Studies, A. Advanced Nerdiness, A plus.
carol: I'm not a nerd!
mike: Hey Carol! There's nothing wrong with being a nerd. I mean without nerds, who would
by all nerds, who would buy all the back-to-school supplies? Who would dig the guys on the
Math team? And who would raise their hand in class and go, "Ooh ooh ooh ooh!!!"
carol: Well, you're just jealous because you never get good grades!
mike: Look if I studied, I could probably get all A's.
carol: You couldn't get an A in lunch as a second language!
mike: Oh that's funny carol! You ever considered being a stand-up? Maybe you could do like
Chemistry comedy and stuff.
carol: Oh you're such a jerk. If you could get such good grades then don't you study?
mike: Because I have better things to do.
carol: Like what? Like getting Lloyd Kreager to laugh milk out of his nose.
mike: No! Like hanging out with friends. Which certain people don't have.
carol: Yeah well, we'll just see how smart you are on Monday, won't we?
mike: Why? What's Monday?
carol: It's the day the whole school takes the Idaho standardized test.
mike: So! If I study, I'll probably get the highest grade in school.
carol: You can't study for this test bogey brain! It's an aptitude test.
mike: I know! What's an aptitude test?
carol: It's basically an IQ test to see how smart you are....or in your case, how smart you
teacher: Alright now, listen up! This is the Idaho Standardized test!
richie: God I hate these tests. I hate number two pencils. I hate this whole experience.
mike: Hey look calm down will you. This isn't such a big deal.
richie: Not a big...not a big deal. Tell that to the hives that are breaking out on my thighs
mike: You have hives on your thighs?
richie: You wanna see 'em?
mike: No! No!
richie: Oh my God!
mike: This test doesn't even count on your grades. I mean what difference does it make what
richie: Are you kidding? This is an IQ test, this is ten times more important than your grades!
mike: Wait what are you talking about?
richie: This test decides once and for all how smart we are. I mean after today, our parents
will know how stupid we are. Our brothers and sisters will know how stupid we are. I can only
assume, the whole state of Idaho will know how stupid we are!
mike: Our parents get these results?
richie: I'll never hear the end of it. "Poor Richie, he's just not as smart as his brother David.
Our David is pre-law at Princeton this year. Oh hi Richie! Could you take out the garbage
please. We're hoping he can do it professionally some day".
mike: Richie, what do you care about your brother? I mean so he's a nerd. Every family's got
richie: Hang on, that's right, you've got Carol. She's a genius! You're gonna look like a tree
stump next to her.
mike: No I'm not! Cause for one thing, I'm just as smart as she is. And for another thing, I
happen not to believe in these tests. You know what I do? I don't even read the questions, I
just fill in the computer dots in a pretty pattern like this.
teacher: Alright! You may begin!
richie: You're crazy! What are you doing?
mike: Oh, it's a self portrait. They're gonna love this is in Idaho.
jason: Alright Mr Ellis. Is there anything else you'd like to talk about before we stop for today?
mr ellis: No! Everything's just great.
jason: Good. Ok, well I think we're making some real progress here with your problem.
mr ellis: What problem's that?
jason: Well Mr. Ellis, we both know, don't we, that you're an habitual liar.
mr ellis: No I'm not.
jason: Mr. Ellis!
mr ellis: Ok, Ok! Don't pressure me like this. My whole life's going down the drain.
jason: Ah but just a minute ago you said that everything is just great.
mr ellis: No I didn't.
jason: Well then, we certainly do have a lot to talk about next time Mr. Ellis.
mr ellis: What next time? I'm never coming back here again!
jason: Whatever you say.
mr ellis: Fine! See you next Wednesday.
jason: Sure, Ok.
Alright Ben let's do it!
ben: Oh Dad!
jason: Come on Ben! I don't ask you to do too much around here when I do I expect it to get
ben: But Dad!
jason: Without an argument.
ben: Oh, can't I do it later?
jason: Ben you're testing me now.
jason: That's more like it. (Ben and Jason dancing)
Ah Ben you're a pure pip!
ben: What's a "pip"?
jason: A state of mind
ben: Hello. Ok, wait one second. It's for you.
jason: Oooh! Don't go away now, we're not done. Hello...well no, my wife is at work. Yes, yes
of course if it's important. Alright, I'll see you then. Hey Ben will you turn that off please.
Yeah Maggie, can you meet me down at the high school in about a half an hour? Well it's the
school psychologist. It's about Mike.
psychologist: Dr. and Mrs. Seaver. We have some concern over...breath mint? No...over the
results of Mike's IQ test.
maggie: Why? What did he get?
jason: Now, then Maggie, you know these are highly subjective, many diagnosticians, they
don't even consider these to mean....What did he get?
psychologist: He got....Well let me just put this in context for you Mrs. Seaver. Now a score
of a hundred is about average, a hundred and twenty is very bright, a hundred and forty is
considered a genius, and a hundred and sixty is.....
maggie: What did Mike get?
psychologist: twenty seven.
Maggie: What? This is ridiculous. I mean this is obviously a mistake.
psychologist: I'm sorry Mrs. Seaver. We checked and double checked. Ant-acid?
jason: Twenty seven?
psychologist: I'm glad that you're a psychiatrist Dr. Seaver. You'll understand what I'm
jason: Yeah! You're saying my son is an idiot.
psychologist: No! Technically, he's an imbecile.
psychologist: Well, zero to twenty five is an idiot. Twenty five to fifty is an imbecile.
maggie: Well that's certainly a load of my mind.
psychologist: Let's see...I believe that sixty to seventy is a moron, no, wait. What's fifty to
jason: I don't know...a bozo?
psychologist: Ba, never mind. This has nothing to do with Mike.
jason: No, no, because according to this Mike could never even aspire to become a bozo.
psychologist: Oh now Dr. and Mrs. Seaver, the worst thing we can do is over react to this. Has
Mike taken a sharp blow to the head recently?
psychologist: Suffered any prolonged oxygen deprivation?
jason: No Dr. Marlands, our son is not brain damaged!
psychologist: Ok! Just checking. Now look. Mike's file indicates he's always had ah, how shall
we say?...a problem with authority. For example, it says here that last year he placed a litter
of baby gerbils....into Mrs. O'Brian's Kleenex box, and when she went to blow her nose…ha ha
ha ha...the whole pack must just have....Oh look, excuse me. There's so little joy in my job,
and he's got a lot of good stuff in here.
jason: Thank you. Dr. Marlands, what are you getting at?
psychologist: You see this. This is a normal test answer sheet. It's a mess...little dots are
scattered randomly around the page. You see this. This is your son's answer sheet. The dots
make little pictures of houses, airplanes. Look here, there's even one of a young woman's
body in profile...nice figure.
maggie: So you're saying, you're saying that Mike did this intentionally?
psychologist: Well either that Mrs. Seaver, or he's a highly artistic imbecile.
(Mike is playing the guitar)
carol: What is it? That's pretty.
carol: Well erm, heard you got called down to the school psychologist today.
mike: Oh yeah. Mom and Dad are down there right now.
carol: They are? Why? What'd you do?
mike: I only got a twenty seven on my IQ test.
carol: Ah well, you know Mom and Dad really don't care about sort of thing, so don't feel
bad...You got a twenty seven!!??
mike: Hey, I did it on purpose bone head. I mean I didn't even read the questions.
mike: Hey well, I know I'm brilliant, so I figure, why waste my valuable time on playing fill in
carol: Come on! You didn't really do that.
mike: Carol, Carol, Carol. How should I put this? You see before you were born Mom and Dad
came to me and they said, "Mike, we hope that our next child isn't some goody goody nerd
face, but that he's a real independent free thinker...like you."
carol: Yeah. Little did they know you had peaked intellectually.
carol: They're gonna kill you.
mike: Carol maybe Mom and Dad have realized how stupid these tests are. Maybe they're
gonna admire me for what I did.
jason: Mike! Can we speak to you for a moment please.
carol: Maybe they're gonna have you killed professionally.
jason: Mike! Can you explain to us what this is?
mike: Oh, ok. This here's a Boeing 747, this is a large ????? bass, and this, this is a full body
profile of Ronda Tishki.
maggie: Mike. Why did you do this?
mike: She's got a great body Mom.
jason: Mike, this isn't a joke. Come on, why did you do that?
mike: I dunno, I just felt like it.
maggie: You just feel like it?
Mike: Well, Gee. I didn't realize how important these tests were to you guys. Maybe you
should have told me that you were only interested in having kids with high IQ scores.
mike: No, but hey that's ok, I mean you guys got one smart kid. Mrs. straight A's here, can
go and become and astronaut and Mikey can always mix the Tang no problem.
jason: Why don't just let him cool off.
mike: What do you want?
carol: Nothing really, I mean I just....
mike: Why don't you just get out of here.
carol: Look Mike! You're not really stupid.
mike: Well thanks Carol, I'm deeply touched by your superiority.
carol: I hope I don't make you feel stupid Mike.
mike: You don't make me feel stupid alright. Just get out of here, ok. Nobody makes me feel
stupid, 'cause I'm not stupid.
carol: I said that.
mike: Well maybe I was just too stupid to understand.
carol: Mike, come on I mean, you're always calling me a nerd and stuff, and I dunno, I guess
I was just trying to get you back. I guess because you're older and cooler and everything, and
I just figured that I was the only one who was getting hurt. I mean I am a sort of a nerd but,
you're not really stupid.
mike: Oh, so I guess it's just coincidence that you get all the A' s and I get all the C's.
carol: Look! I don't know why you don't get good grades, I mean, maybe it has something to
do with the fact that you sleep and play darts while doing your homework
mike: Man!! What is it with these darts. I mean, am I the only guy around here who knows
how to unwind?
carol: Ok, listen: What year did Max Heinburg start playing drums for Bruce Springstein?
mike: Wait. Did we just start a new conversation?
carol: Come on! What year?
mike: nineteen seventy three, so what does that mean?
carol: Mmmm, aside from being a huge boost in income for Max Heinburg; it means you're
mike: Why? Because I know one useless fact.
carol: You know millions of useless facts. Like, I mean, the attack of the crab people thing. I
mean I couldn't believe that.
mike: Crab monsters, Carol. "Attack of the Crab Monsters".
carol: See, I mean, you don't remember things for tests, you just remember things...you
wanna remember, for some strange reason.
mike: So I have a good memory, big deal.
carol: It's more than just that, I mean, ok. Remember last year, when you borrowed twenty
bucks from me on Valentine's Day?
mike: Yeah. So?
carol: And I made you sign an "I owe you".
mike: Which I gladly did.
carol: Mmmm. Promising to pay me back on...February twenty ninth
mike: Hey come nineteen eighty eight, that twenty bucks is yours.
carol: You see that wasn't...just intelligent, that was actually very...creative.
mike: Ah, you were just a sucker.
carol: You see, that's my point, I mean, I do dumb things all the time, and...and you do smart
things...when you feel like it.
carol: Well hey why do you think Mom's always telling you to shut your smart mouth. I mean
it takes brains and hard work to be as obnoxious as you are!
mike: Yeah. I guess it does. But when you love what you do, it really doesn't seem like hard
carol: I mean...for all we know, you and me might have the same IQ.
mike: Yeah, who knows? Mine might even be higher!
carol: Let's not get hysterical now
mike: Hey Carol....thanks.
carol: You jerk!
mike: Nerd! I...I meant that in a nice way.
jason: Aha, thank you. Yes thank you very much. Alright. Bye-bye. Hey Mike, Dr. Mylands
says you can take that IQ test over again on Saturday morning ten o' clock.
mike: Oh that's great Dad, but I've been thinking about it and I'm kind of happy with the
mike: Yes Dad, Ok, I'll take it.
jason: Ah yeah!! Ah yeah!!