Carol: Where are my wise men?
Mike: Taking the A train.
Carol: Mike what are the wise men doing on the train track?
Mi: Well they're wise men. They must know what they are doing
Carol: Mike, come on. It's a miracle.
Mike: We three kings we know what we like. Spending Christmas with our friend Mike.
Maggie: Ben, stop that. You get to open one present after dinner.
Ben: But I thought you said that everyone’s Christmas Eve present would have a big red bow
Carol: It will.
Ben: But everyone’s present has a big red bow on, except me.
Mike: Well maybe we should tell him the truth guys.
Ben: What truth?
Mike: Well Ben, you are adopted and Santa doesn't know your new address.
Carol: The only one of us kids who's adopted is Mike.
Mike: I'm not adopted.
Jason: Not yet.
Ben: My present is definitely not here.
Maggie: Well Ben maybe Santa just hasn't brought it yet.
Ben: O come on. There's no such thing as Santa.
Jason: Hey Ben. You know that for a fact?
Ben: Ok ok. I'll tell you what. I'll go get my self some Christmas cookies, and who knows,
maybe Santa will decide that this is the perfect opportunity to bring my present. Know what I
Carol: So when are you guys going to pick it up?
Maggie: Around four.
Carol: Oh! He's going to be so excited.
Maggie: So Jason. How excited am I going to be about my present?
Jason: Well that depends. Have you been naughty or have you been nice?
Maggie: I've been nice and naughty.
Jason: Santa likes it when you talk like that. Hey everybody! It's snowing.
Everyone: Oh on Christmas!
Mike: Look at it!
Maggie: Oh, it's beautiful.
Mike: You know Christmas is sort of neat with just the five of us hanging out. A nice warm
house, kind of getting into the spirit.
Mike: Hey you think I like being obnoxious all the time?
Everyone: Uh hu!
Mike: Yeah, I guess I do.
Mike: I'll get it.
Jason: what did we do to be blessed with such a child?
Mike: Dad! It's one of your patients.
Jason: Mr. Bodewell! I think the suit looks great.
Mr. Bodewell: I gotta talk to you doc.
Jason: Aren’t you supposed to be playing Santa down at the orphanage?
Mr. Bodewell: I can't go through with that.
Jason: Why not?
Mr. Bodewell: Watch this. Ho Ho!
Jason: Let's talk! Walter, when I saw you last week you were so excited about playing Santa
for all those kids at the orphanage. What happened?
Mr. Bodewell: Doc the kids are going to hate me.
Jason: Now why should they hate you?
Mr. Bodewell: Same reason everyone hates me. I make people uncomfortable. Look at you,
Jason: I'm not fidgeting. Ok now Walter what is the one thing in your life that bothers you the
Mr. Bodewell: Those little subscription cards that fall out of magazines.
Mr. Bodewell: Being alone.
Jason: Yes. And don't you think those kids at the orphanage are lonely too?
Mr. Bodewell: Yeah. But I don't know how to talk to kid’s doc.
Jason: Well relax. Be yourself. You'll know what to say.
Mr. Bodewell: Well I've been kicking around a few things.
Jason: Good! Imagine you have just come into the orphanage and you are surrounded by all
those happy little faces. Now what do you say?
Mr. Bodewell: To whom it may concern. It has come to my attention that tomorrow is
Christmas. Consequently I bring items in conjunction with...
Jason: Walter, I wonder if as an accountant you might have a tendency to be a little...
Mr. Bodewell: I know, I know. Too formal.
Jason: I don't know that that much talk is expected of Santa. I might just go with something
more traditional. You know like: Ho Ho Ho, boy do I have gifts for you.
Mr. Bodewell: You have obviously worked with children.
Jason: Come on Walter. You'll be fine.
Mr. Bodewell: Oh Doc, I don't even know if I brought the right gifts.
Jason: You can’t go wrong with kids. They love gifts. Let's see what you got here. Ground
Mr. Bodewell: Go on say it. Should have brought pork.
Jason: Well that's a close call Walter. Come on let's see what else you've got. Tupperware!
Mr Bodewell: Sure, I thought it goes with the beef. They'll use it to mix up some Swedish meat
balls, or ... the gifts are wrong. Doc I want to give these kids something that's going to make
them happy, but I don't know what to bring.
Jason: Walter, I'm going to throw out something kind of crazy now. Toys.
Mr. Bodewell: Toys.
Mr. Bodewell: Doc that is so crazy. It might just work.
Jason: Here. Ho ho ho ho
Ben: You guys can't fool me. You are going to get my present.
Maggie: Nonsense Ben. We are going to the um...
Mike: Blacksmith's. Carol needs new shoes.
Jason: Actually we are going to return all of Mike's gifts. You Take his Porsche.
Mike: What? You guys.
Ben: Now come on; just tell me what my present is.
Maggie: That's between you and Santa.
Ben: I'm getting pretty sick of this particular folk hero.
Jason: I wouldn't say that too loudly.
Maggie: Bye guys.
Mike: Bye. Have fun!
Ben: Mike Carol. Carol Mike. Do you know what Christmas means to me? It means caring,
Mike and Carol: We're not telling you Ben.
Mike: But I like your style.
Ben: Who do you have to talk to, to get some hard facts around here?
Mike: Well I’d look for a fat man in a red suit.
Door Bell rings
Mike: Mr. Bodewell!
Mr. Bodewell: Is your father here?
Mike: No, he stepped out for a minute.
Carol: Would you like to come in and wait?
Mr. Bodewell: No, I can't wait.
Mike: Ok. I'll tell him you were here. Merry Christmas!
Carol: He sure looked unhappy.
Ben: Mike, Carol, Carol, Mike. One dollar for the hiding place.
Mike: Ben that is hardly the Christmas spirit.
Ben: Ten bucks?
Mike: Jingle bells, jingle bells... I wasn't going to tell him. Not for less than twenty.
Ben: Who's up there?
Voice: Who do you think?
Ben: Wo! Santa? Santa Clause! Wow this is unbelievable.
Voice: Get out of there kid. Look I'm coming down and I don't want you to see this.
Ben: Well if it might be easier for you, you can throw my present down.
Voice: Present. Oh ok. I'll give you a present.
Ben: Raw meat?
Voice: You got a problem with that?
Ben: Well it wasn't my first choice.
Mike: Christmas Eve. A real stuff your face holiday.
Carol: Come on Ben. Let's have some eggnog.
Ben: Mike, Carol, Santa's on the roof and look what he gave me.
Mike: Raw meat! Ben what are you talking about?
Ben: Come on. Santa, my brother and sister are here. You got anything for them?
Voice: Oh it’s for the young lady, and would you please get out of there.
Mike: Mr. Bodewell?
Mr. Bodewell: You got it.
Carol: Mr. Bodewell, what are you doing up there?
Mr. Bodewell: I'm going to dive down your chimney. Head first.
Carol: Oh my god! He's going to commit suicide in our fireplace.
Mike: Ok, I'm going to call the cops.
Mr. Bodewell: No! No cops.
Mike; Ok, I didn't say cops. I said mops.
Mr. Bodewell: Well no mops either.
Carol: No mops.
Mike: Right, or cleaning supplies of any kind.
Carol: Mr. Bodewell, just stay where you are. (whispers) I'll be right back. I think you are
supposed to keep him talking.
Ben: Even after he jumps?
Mike: Hi Mr. Bodewell, why don't you come down and have some eggnog?
Mr. Bodewell: I’m about to kill myself and you’re offering my eggnog?
Mike: Well it says here "Festive for all occasion"
Ben: Oh Mike!
Mike: Ok Ben. Your turn.
Ben: Mr. Bodewell! Even though you are not Santa, thank you for the meat. I know I’ll use it
for years to come.
Mr. Bodewell: Come on kid admit it. You hate the meat.
Ben: No really, it's a child’s dream come true.
Mr. Bodewell: Nice try kid, but I know the truth. You hate me. Everybody, everybody hates me.
That's why I can't go on living.
Carol: But you have to go on living.
Mr. Bodewell: Why?
Carol: Wait a second, I’ll tell you.
Mike: Hey what's that?
Carol: One of dad’s text books.
Carol: Mr. Bodewell, I know that a suicidal person such as yourself can only see things through
a dark tunnel. But with proper counseling and long term therapy the patient can build his inner
confidence as outlined in Weber’s landmark study "Life without hope". Mr. Bodewell? Mr.
Bodewell are you there?
Mr. Bodewell: Yeah sure. I didn't think you were finished reading.
Carol: Mr. Bodewell please don't jump.
Maggie and Jason: Here comes Santa clause, here comes Santa Clause, right ...
Ben: Down the chimney!
Carol: Mr. Bodewell is on the roof and he's about to jump down the chimney.
Maggie: Oh my god!
Carol: Mr. Bodewell.
Mr. Bodewell: Don't come near me doc. I swear I'll dive.
Jason: Ok, don't worry. I'll stay right here. I just want to talk to you.
Mr. Bodewell: Well I don't want to talk. I want to die.
Jason: Walter, your problems are temporary. Death is permanent. You jump and there is no
second chance. Walter what are you doing?
Mr. Bodewell: I want to make sure I’m going to fit. I'll be damned if I’m going to get stuck in
Jason: What happened this afternoon?
Mr. Bodewell: The kids at the orphanage hated me.
Jason: Well I find that hard to believe Walter. You played Santa to a bunch of eight year olds.
Could it be that you misinterpreted the response?
Mr. Bodewell: Oh you tell me.
Jason: This Santa eats fruit cake.
Maggie: That's right a man on the roof is threatening to jump down the chimney. Well he's a
rather large man in a red suit with a white beard. No he doesn't have any rain deer.
Jason: Walter I understand what you are going through. Things look bleak for you now, but
you can't do this.
Mr. Bodewell: You're right. Not with this jacket on.
Jason: Walter your life is too valuable.
Mr. Bodewell: Don't come near me! Let’s face it doc. My life is a big zero. I wake up every day
and I’m wondering; why? Divide the circumference by pi. Why? Why me? Why was I chosen
to be Walter Bodewell? The man whose destiny was to.....damn my batteries are dead. Doc,
would you please tell me one thing.
Jason: What Walter?
Mr. Bodewell: What's thirty nine divided by three point one four one six?
Jason: Walter, I'm not going to help you with this.
Mr. Bodewell: Well fine. Have it your way.
Jason: Walter! (falls) Walter you want to be happy. You don't want to give up like this.
Mr. Bodewell: Why shouldn't I? Tell me why shouldn't I give up? I mean if I can't make it as
Santa Clause with a bunch of eight year old orphans, how am I supposed to make it as Walter
Jason: Well you work at it Walter. You chip away at each problem. You speak from the heart,
occasionally without a prepared statement. And then when you listen back you know you start
to sound just like everybody else. You're human Walter that means that occasionally you are
going to have some pain and sometimes you are going to feel lonely. But if you just keep
reaching out there is going to be someone there to lend you a hand.
Mr. Bodewell: Thanks doc. Goodbye!
Jason: Walter. Oh that's it, that's it. I see it now. It's a good idea Walter, I'm going to kill
myself too! That's it. You just have a problem and you jump down the chimney Walter.
Mr. Bodewell: No you can't do that.
Jason: Why not Walter? It's my chimney.
Mr. Bodewell: What are you talking about?
Jason: Walter! You think you're the only one with problems? Well I've got a problem too Walter,
‘cause I've got a big guy on my roof I've been counseling for four years, and he’s threatening
to kill himself because I can't talk him out of it. I can't live with that on my conscience Walter.
Mr. Bodewell: No!
Jason: Excuse me, mind if I go first?
Mr. Bodewell: No, I'm not going to let you do this. You have a wife and children.
Jason: Yeah, their Christmas is pretty shot as it is.
Mr. Bodewell: You are crazy.
Jason: Don't try to stop me Walter.
Mr. Bodewell: No Doc, I can't let you do this.
Mr. Bodewell: Quit whining, it's really pathetic.
Jason: It's not me.
Mr. Bodewell: Well what it is?
Ben: Oh, yap yap.
Mr. Bodewell: So you bought a puppy for your kid for Christmas?
Jason: Uh hu. He's been asking for one for years. I guess he found it a little early.
Mr. Bodewell: Yeah. What kind of puppy is it?
Mr. Bodewell: Well what's he doing?
Ben: He's licking my face.
Maggie: Ben, what are you....
Mr. Bodewell: I used to have a dog. Had a German shepherd.
Ben: Was he a nice dog?
Mr. Bodewell: yeah. He was the only guy who didn't get uncomfortable when he was around
me. I remember we used to have this great game we played together. I was called "ball".
Ben: You mean you’d throw the ball and he'd go fetch it?
Mr. Bodewell: That would have worked too.
Ben: What happened to him?
Mr. Bodewell: He died. Seventeen years ago. He was the last person I ever lived with.
Ben: Were you sad?
Mr. Bodewell: Yeah.
Ben: Did you cry?
Mr. Bodewell: Yes.
Ben: Are you still going to kill yourself?
Mr. Bodewell: I don't know.
Ben: Well if you don't kill yourself, you can have my puppy. ....Hello! Mr. Bodewell! Mum what
happened to him?
Maggie: I don't know honey.
Ben: Mr. Bodewell! Dad!
Maggie: Jason! Jason!
Mike and Carol: Dad!
Ben: Mr. Bodewell!
Maggie: Jason are you ok?
Jason: Yes, I think we're ok.
Ben: This is my puppy.
Mr. Bodewell: He's a nice one.
Ben: Merry Christmas.
Mr. Bodewell: Ho ho!
Mr. Bodewell: Oh and now it’s time for the opening of the Seaver family Christmas Eve
Mr. Bodewell: Oh now remember, I didn't buy any of these presents, so if you don't like your
presents, it's not my fault.
Mr. Bodewell: Oh, I’m sorry. Ho ho ho!
Jason: Better, better.
Ben: Ok, this one's for Carol, and this one's for Mike.
Mike: Oh! Dear Mike, this has been handed down in our family for three generations, to each
man as he comes of age.
Carol: A razor. Oh I think we'd better switch.
Mike: What and break family tradition?
Maggie: Oh thank you.
Ben: And one for dad.
Jason: Oh, thank you, thank you. Alright! 'Most improved cook of the year'.
Jason: Does that mean that you all want me to make Christmas dinner?
Everyone: Uh, it's ok, no thank you...
Jason: I'll thank you anyway.
Maggie: We love you. Is this the exciting and romantic gift I’ve been waiting all day for?
Jason: That's the one..Da da! Oh here, let me show you how it works.
Maggie: Oh, let's see here. Oh Jason, they're beautiful. Thank you honey, thank you.
Jason: They look real don't they?
Mr. Bodewell: Ben, I'm so sorry. There is no gift for you. Do you want Nick back?
Ben: No Walter, he's yours.
Jason: Walter, why don't you check the bag. Maybe Santa left something for Ben.
Mr. Bodewell: No, it's empty.
Carol: Well why don't you check it anyway. There might be something there.
Mr. Bodewell: No really. It's empty. See we put the ground beef in the freezer..
Mike: Walter, check the bag!
Mr. Bodewell: Oh! Ok!
Jason: Yes, I'll take him.
Mr. Bodewell: Oh wow! There is a present for Ben.
Ben: There is? Wow a puppy for me. He looks just like Nick.
Mr. Bodewell: Well thank you. All of you, for everything. Nick is beautiful.
Ben: So is my puppy. I think I'll name him...Walter.
Everyone: Merry Christmas!
Ben: Well Walter, we'll just leave this little snack for Santa Clause. Which is not to say that I
believe in Santa Clause, but in life Walter, you’ll find it pays to hedge your bets?
Santa: Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas!