Jason: Ok, now we've only got two days left to practise. So we've all got to help Carol work
on her gutter ball
Ben: But why Dad? It's perfect, it goes in the gutter every time.
Jason: Come on Carol! Now, let's try this release. So suppose it's headed for the gutter. Now,
what do we do? We lean to the left here and puller her over...
Maggie: Over to the right, over to the right!
Maggie: Never mind.
Ben: Come on guys get it together. We've gotta kill the Cussmans this year.
Jason: Now Ben, this is a neighbourly little game of ten pins. Let's not turn it into bowling for
Carol: Dad, they've beaten us three years in a row.
Maggie: And then little Kenny Cussman stands outside our window and does that stupid little
Ben: Turkeys, Ms, Chipmunks, Beavers. They all bowl better than the Seavers.
Jason: Well let's kill the Cussmans!
Maggie: Let's kill them! Woooo!!
Jason: Come on Maggie! We can do them!
Maggie: Ok, ok. You ready? Alright.
Jason: At a girl!
Maggie: Just watch this. Tell me if I'm doing it right.
Jason: Take your time.
Jason: Good bounce.
Maggie: Oh. Right.
Maggie: Oh well, how can we lose? We've got our new secret weapon, Mike "the strike"
Jason: Yeah. You know his average is up to one eighty seven.
Maggie: Oh good.
Jason: There he is now.
(everybody cheers Mike)
Everybody: We're number one! We're number one!
Mike: Ok, here we go.
Jason: The Seaver magic.
Mike: Ok. Watch...carefully. Here we go.
Jason: Never misses.
Mike: Yes thank you, thank you, and now there's just one more thing I'd like to say...Carol, I'll
give you three Dollars, if you write me a Neo Symbolist poem.
Jason: Mike. Why would you want your sister to write you a Neo Symbolist poem?
Mike: Dad, the most wonderful thing happened to me at school today.
Mike: I forgot what I was gonna say. Oh...Ok.
(We look in Mike’s memory to his day at school)
Teacher: Aaaahhhh Mike. Can you explain for us the significance of the sea, in Moby Dick?
Mike: Ah, sure, sure. It's the letter between the I and the K.
Teacher: It's a little technique I picked up at the last teacher's convention. Ok people, settle
Juliette: Hello, I'm Juliette.
Mike: And I'm Romeo.
(back to present time)
Mike: Dad, I've never met a girl like Juliette before.
Jason: Mike, you say that every time.
Mike: No, it's different this time Dad. I mean Juliette is really classy. Dad, she was born in
Paris, she was raised in London and New York. She writes poetry. Dad, she even speaks three
Carol: That's three more than you speak.
Jason: So you want to impress this new girl with a poem?
Mike: Yeah, but not just any poem Dad...A Neo Symbolist poem. That's her favourite brand.
Maggie: Mike, if Carol writes the poem, it's not yours, it's Carol's.
Mike: Not if she gives it to me.
Jason: Well Mike, if you're really gonna get along with this girl, sooner or later you're gonna
have to be straight forward with her.
Mike: Dad, I can't do that.
Jason: Well, sure you can. What do you usually say to a girl you like?
Ben: Hey baby! Want a one way ticket to paradise?
Carol: I better write him the poem.
Mike: Hey look, look. I know what you guys are thinking, but I'm just going to use this poem
to get her to talk to me. Then I'll be myself.
Jason: Well, if you guys think that a three Dollar poem is any substitute for real and honest
communication, then go ahead.
Carol: Mike, Dad's right. Real and honest is going to cost you five.
Juliette: "with eyes that scan the distance, with feet that cross the sand. With thoughts that
keep me dreaming, this place is where I stand. I hate my mother."
Mike: Ah. Ah. Way to write, Juliette. Oh. Ah. Was that a poem, or what guys?
Teacher: Err, thank you Juliette. Does anyone else have anything they'd like to read out to the
Mike: Ah, Miss Jeffers, I have a little poem, I'd kind o' like to recite for the class today.
Teacher: This isn't going to get me fired, is it?
Mike: Miss Jeffers, you know how they always say, that despite all the hardships of teaching,
there are those rare moments that make it all worth while.
Mike: This one's for you. "Let us go then, you and I, when the evening is spread out like a
swatted fly. Life being Miasmic, somewhat protoplasmic. What does it matter, if raindrops
pitter patter like loose pancake batter, on the griddle of our days? I should have been a pair
of pantyhose, hanging on the shower rod of our dreams."
Juliette: Michael. That was incredible.
Mike: Oh really? I mean, it was really one of my minor works.
Juliette: I found it to be a fascinating, sporadic melding of popular culture in the lyrical mode.
Mike: Yeah, yeah, that's it!! God, it is so nice to be understood.
Juliette: You know Michael, it is wonderful to discover how gifted you are. Because for some
reason, I got the impression that you were just another suburban dolt.
Mike: Me? A suburban dolt? Ah, life can be cruelly ironic, can't it Juliette?
Juliette: All that, and cute too.
Mike: Ok, now Juliette's gonna be here any minute. Now there are few little things here I'd
like to go over.
Carol: What's this?
Mike: Ah, it's a brief family history. Now if you guys could just quickly commit this to memory.
Mike: Yeah Mom.
Maggie: Says here that I'm a writer.
Mike: Oh, you are Mom.
Maggie: And that I've just completed my twenty seventh novel.
Mike: Ok, alright. So, it was a rough estimate.
Jason: Apparently, I'm a painter.
Mike: Well you gotta admit Dad, you did a pretty bang up job on that upstairs bathroom.
Ben: I'm a child pr...pr...
Jason: Prodigy Ben.
Mike: Yeah, Ben, see. I just told Juliette that you were sort of a...erm...Well that you were a
genius at Philosophy. So whenever I wink at you like this. I want you to read on of these little
phrases here. Alright, let's try one.
Ben: I think, therefore I am.
Mike: Good!! Good!
Jason: Mike! This is ridiculous.
Maggie: Mike, you don't seriously expect us to tell Juliette that we're all these things?
Mike: Oh come on Mom! I'm just trying to make you guys look good.
Jason: Oh, I appreciate that Mike. But you're asking us to lie...and badly.
Mike: Oh come on guys. Just one night. Bare with me! Look, if you can't count on your family
at a crucial moment in your life, who can you count on? Juliette!
Jason: To think, we came that close to naming him that in the first place.
Mike: Ah, Mom, Dad, this is Juliette. Juliette, these are my parents.
Maggie: Hello Juliette.
Juliette: Mikhail’s told me so much about you. Sounds like you have a fascinating life.
Ben: Yes. But what is life?
Mike: Ah, so profound for one who's nine. Don't you think? But then I guess it runs in the
Juliette: It must. Tell me Mrs. Seaver, what does it feel like to win the Pulitzer prize for
Maggie: Well, I'll be honest with you Juliette it...it feels good. Darn good.
Carol: The first couple of times anyway.
Juliette: And Mr. Seaver, Mikhail tells me you're a painter. Do you work in oils, or acrylic?
Jason: Mostly flat latex...and some high gloss enamel. Would you like to see one of my recent
works? I call it "Upstairs Bathroom".
Mike: Dad! No, Dad, maybe some other time.
Juliette: Mr. Seaver, tell me; have you been influenced by the recent wave of German Abstract
Jason: No! No, no. I'm really more influenced by the Dutch boys.
Juliette: Oh, you mean Rembrandt and Vermeer. Well that's fascinating, considering you were
a student of Picasso's.
Mike: Which reminds me Mom. Is Uncle Pablo coming to visit for the holidays this year?
Carol: Mike, Picasso is dead.
Mike: Well, I guess that's a no. Yeah, Uncle Pablo loved it when we joked this way about
Ben: Yes. But what is death?
Mike: Oh, you are so deep. Sometimes it even scares me.
Ben: Thank you.
Juliette: You know, it really is extraordinary meeting a family like you in a place like this.
Jason and Maggie: Oh??
Juliette: I mean, I thought I'd have to go into the city to find a cultural evening like this.
Because Lord knows that most suburbanites are brain dead. Which reminds me...Mishka. I
was wondering if you'd like to come to the city with me to see some performance art?
Jason: Oh, go Mike. No go! Because lord knows you can't get a decent piece of performance
art in the suburbs..
Mike: Yeah! You know? That really burns me up.
Juliette: Tomorrow is the last night of Gerhardt's performance piece. And there's no one I'd
rather see it with than you.
Mike: Well then, it's a date.
Mike: Yea Ma.
Maggie: Aren't you forgetting something?
Jason: Yeah. A prior commitment like something else for tomorrow night.
Carol: One that's very very important to your entire family.
Mike: Ah, gee, no. I don't think I had any plans for tomorrow night.
Ben: Sure you do Mike. We're supposed to go....
Juliette: Mishka?? What is he doing?
Mike: Ah. He's dancing. Yes, incredibly enough, little Ben here is a Philosopher, and a modern
dancer. Now...er...he's got a recital tomorrow night. But once you've seen one little
Philosopher dance, you've seen 'em all.
Juliette: So, we're on?
Mike: Great, we're on.
Juliette: Aurevoir, Mishka.
Mike: Hey, was she incredible or what, huh? I know, I know, I'm sorry I had to pass on the
bowling, but I knew you guys would understand. You don't understand. You really don't
Carol: Mike, you have to go with us. You promised.
Ben: How are we supposed to beat the Cussmans without you?
Mike: You guys, it's just a game!
Carol: That's not the point Mike. You made a commitment. We're all counting on you.
Jason: And if you can't count on your family, who can you count on?
Mike: Look, Dad! I'm involved in a relationship here...with an artist! I can't just drop that to
Carol: A relationship!! She doesn't even know who you are. She thinks you're Mishka; and
you're just a bowler like the rest of us.
Mike: Hey! How do you know what I am. Maybe I'm not a bowler, maybe I am Mishka.
Ben: Maybe I'm gonna barf.
Mike: If he was in the Russian army, he'd be tried for desertion and shot.
Jason: Carol, we're not gonna force your brother to go bowling with us. Anyway, I have a
hunch that pretty soon he'll realise he's not Mishka. But what do I know? I'm just a painter.
Mike: Ah. Essence of cow? What piece of...
Juliette: Oh, this. I love this.
Mike: Oh yeah. Yes, I love this thing. I mean I haven't seen cow essence before, but this...
Juliette: Andre!! Fabbrisio!!
Andre: Oh Juliette!
Juliette: God, I haven't seen you since the Gertrud Steinerthon. This is a good friend of mine,
Michael Seaver. Michael is a poet.
Fabbrisio: Oh, look! The performance piece is about to start.
Juliette: Oh, I hear it's brilliant.
Performance: Arang Utan's bark at the sound of sunlight. Why are there no Lumberjacks. Big
big cities. Big cities!! Big Cities! Big Cities!
Juliette: Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!
Fabbrisio: It's a perfect commentary on the fashions and foibles of middle class America.
Mike: Oh, yes, yes, absolutely; fashions and foibles! Fashions and foibles!
Juliette: Oh, Mishka, you can't be serious. It's obviously a plea for nuclear disarmament.
Mike: Ah. Obviously. Yes, nuclear disarmament. You'd have to be dumb as a post to miss that.
Fabbrisio: So, you're saying that it's a comment on contemporary fashions, and nuclear
Mike: Yes. Yes, right...erm...I mean everybody knows that contemporary fashions are
obviously nuclear, and that's disarming.
Jason: Alright team! Let's go!! Give me and S!
Maggie, Ben and Carol: s.
Jason: gimme an E!
Maggie, Ben and Carol: e.
Jason: Alright, I'll finish it myself. A! V! E! R!, what does it spell?
Maggie, Ben and Carol: Losers.
Jason: No! Come on. Now maybe we've lost one of our stronger team members. But we gotta
believe we're gonna win. And we do believe we're gonna win, and why do we believe we're
Ben: Because we're idiots?
Jason: No, Ben. Because we're the bowling Seavers. What do you think? Look at this.
(Jason shows the shirt he has had made for the bowling.)
Carol: Jason "Bud" Seaver?
Jason: And that's not all. I also have one here for Ben "Fud" Seaver. For Carol "Spud" Seaver.
And Maggie "Mud" Seaver.
Jason: Well, there aren't that many words that end in "ud". Ok, are we ready? Now, gimme an
Jason: Gimme an E!
Jason: Gimme an R!!
Jason: What have you got?
Juliette: So, Michael, why don't we talk about your work? Michael read the most remarkable
poem the other day.
Mike: Ah, it was just a little something from my recent Neo Symbolist period.
Fabbrisio: Really? What were you before you became a Neo Symbolist?
Mike: I was a...erm...a Neosenephron.
Juliette: Oh. A joke! How funny!!
Fabbrisio: Er...well, Michael, why don't you read on of your poems to us no?
Juliette: Yes, now. Right now. Everybody, I'd like to introduce Michael Seaver, an exciting...
Mike: Ah, Juliette, I can't do that.
Juliette: Why not?
Mike: I didn't even bring my poem.
Juliette: So what! Why don't you recite one of your older works?
Mike: Ah, no, no, actually I couldn't do that.
Juliette: What are you talking about Michael?
Mike: Look! Juliette, it's this legal thing. I mean, I sold all of my poems to Hollywood, and
from now on, only Jack Nicholson's allowed to read them.
Juliette: Oh, Mishka. Stop joking around and read your poem. Everybody's waiting.
Mike: Look! Look, Juliette, I have to tell you something. The truth is, I'm not a poet.
Juliette: What? But the poem you read was...
Mike: I didn't write it...I bought it.
Juliette: You mean you lied to me?
Mike: Look, Juliette. When you first walked into that classroom, I thought you were so much
different, so much classier than anyone else I'd ever seen. I just wanted to impress you.
Juliette: But your family. The Pulitzer prize, the modern dance recital...
Mike: No, my family's not at a modern dance recital.
Juliette: Then, what was this?
Mike: Yeah!! Bowling! See, it's this big match we have every year with the neighbours. It's
called...it's called "Bowling for dinners"; that was my dad's idea. And the losers have to take
the winners for a big Surf and Turf dinner at "Ferbam’s House of Meat and Fish"!!
Juliette: "Ferbam’s House of Meat and Fish"??
Fabbrisio: Well, it's just, it's such a disgusting image. I mean two entire families rolling balls
Mike: Hey, cut to the salad, and choice of rice and potato, ok?
Juliette: I don't believe this. You are one of those people that bowls, and hangs out at malls
and...eats hot dogs on a stick.
Mike: Yeah! Yeah, I guess I am. So what's wrong with that? Maybe I like mauls, maybe I like
Juliette: Michael, will you please lower your voice.
Mike: What? Why? Are you ashamed of me Juliette? You're ashamed of being seen here with
Juliette: This is really embarrassing.
Mike: Oh! You want embarrassing? I'll give you embarrassing!! Hey! Buddy, you wanna...you
wanna know why there's no Lumberjacks in the big cities?? Huh?? Because they're out in the
mauls eating hotdogs on sticks.
Carol: It's over.
Ben: We're dead.
Maggie: It's hopeless!
Jason: Oh, come on guys!! We've only lost two games!
Maggie: We've only played two games.
Ben: I hate the Cussmans.
Carol: Did you hear them over there? They had the whole snack bar singing, "Mopping the
floor with the Seaver Four".
Ben: I won't even tell you what they've been singing in the men's room.
Jason: Well then, let's practise. Come on Carol! You can do it. Let's just grab a ball right now,
and work on your approach a little bit. Just remember to square your shoulders and whip that
wrist and follow through, ok? Come on.
Carol: Ha ha! I got eight pins!!
Jason: Yes. Well I'll have to check the rule book on this, but I'm pretty sure they have to be
in our lane. Well, this will be an expensive dinner this year. The Cussmans are off their diet.
Maggie: The slobs
Mike: Hi guys. I'm sorry I'm late.
Maggie and Jason: Mike!
Mike: Hey look guys. About the way I've been acting. I don't know how to say this, but...well
I guess I owe you guys an ap...
Jason: Hey Mike!
Mike: Yeah Dad.
Jason: Do you wanna bowl, or are you gonna write a poem about it?
Mike: I'm gonna bowl!
Jason: And you better hurry. Better bowl fast, Michael.
Mike: Alright, here we go.
Family: Woooo!!! Hey!!
Jason: Hey, Mishkal!!
Family: We're number one! Yes! We're number one! Hey! We're number one! Hey! We're
number one! Hey!
Jason: Alright, alright. Attention please. On behalf of the entire Seaver family, I'm talking
about Fud, Spud, Mud, and of course myself, Bud. May I present this to the man who led us
Maggie: Yeah Mike!!
Carol and Ben: Woooo!!
Mike: Well, I guess when all's said and done, it's your family who knows you best. Mike!
Jason: Number one.