Carol: Give it back!
Ben: No way!
Carol: Give it back!
Ben: No way! Look out Mom, she's a wild woman!
Maggie: Ok, stop it! Both of you. Now what did I tell you about disturbing your father this
Carol: Well in a nutshell, you told us not to.
Maggie: Mmm. And if you did?
Ben: You'd hang us by our thumbs in the basement.
Maggie: That's right. Now get me the rope.
Ben: Dad, I'm confident when you hear my story...
Ben: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I was wrong!!
Carol: Dad, I tried to tell Ben to be quiet, but he did he listen? No! He persisted...
Carol: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I was wrong!!
Mike: How's the paper coming honey?
Mike: I agree completely. But don't worry, you'll get it done. Now, how do you want your
Mike: I'm sorry, I think we're out of Tabasco.
Mike: I'll find some. I'll find some. Here, take this. This'll get you started and I'll bring the rest
out in a minute.
(Mike skateboards into the kitchen and knocks his Jason over.)
Mike: Mom, did you just wax this floor? 'Cause I picked up an incredible amount of speed...
Mike: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I was wrong!!
Maggie: Jason, Jason, go back to work. I'll take care of this.
Mike: Mom, it was an accident I swear.
Maggie: Mike, this is your last warning. If we catch you skateboarding in the house again, you
lose your phone privileges, your stereo, and your allowance for two months.
Maggie: Oh hi Richie.
Richie: Hi Mrs. Seaver.
Carol: Oh no.
Maggie: Richie, didn't you collect for the paper yesterday?
Richie: Oh, this isn't a professional visit Mrs. Seaver, I'm here...
Carol: Richie, I told you to meet me at the library.
Richie: Well, I just thought...I mean, in the light of our new relationship and all...Well that we
could work here.
Mike: Relationship!!?? What are you guys now? Like boyfriend and girlfriend, huh? Kind o'
Richie: Didn't she tell you? Carol and I are married.
Maggie: It's a Social Studies project.
Richie: Yeah. We have to work out a budget for a married couple.
Carol: A simulated married couple.
Mike: Ah, come on guys. I can feel the love in this room. So what brought you two kids
Richie: Destiny. Oh, and the fact that I paid off all the other guys in class, so they wouldn't
Carol: What? Richie, you...you bought me?
Richie: Yeah. I guess I'm just old fashioned that way.
Carol: That's it! I am not doing this project with you. Now out!
Richie: If we don't turn the paper in Monday, we get an F.
Mike: Ohh. I can see the headlines now, "Carol Seaver gets an F. Nation in shock!! President
to fly back from Santa Barbara!!"
Carol: Ah. Come on Richie. Let's get this over with.
Richie: Ready when you are...Dear.
Mike: Ah, isn't that cute?
Maggie: Not another word.(He hums "Here comes the Bride".)
Jason: Thanks honey. Just sit it on the desk there please.
Maggie: Ok. Sure. Listen Jason. Why don't you take a break. We could have a little chat.
Jason: Oh, I can't honey. I really gotta get this done.
Maggie: Oh? But how about a short break? And then we could talk and...
Jason: Maggie, no. I really gotta finish up here.
Maggie: But don't you think a little conversation and...
Jason: Maggie!! What do you want to talk about?
Maggie: Who me? Oh nothing.
Maggie: Gosh. Look at this picture of the kids. Mike must have been about eight years old.
Wasn't he a cutey pie?
Jason: I believe the word his second grade teacher used was, "devil boy".
Maggie: Oh, come on. He sent her a card in the hospital.
Maggie: Oh and look at Carol. She was always such a quick learner.
Jason: Yeah. That's why she's got alphabet soup up her nose.
Maggie: Yeah. Little Ben, he was always such happy baby.
Jason: Yeah. I remember the way he used to laugh, every time he'd fill a diaper.
Maggie: Oh yeah!! Ha ha. You know? I was over at Ellen Harper's the other day, and I saw
Jessica take her first steps...
Maggie: Oh, it was so exciting.
Jason: I would think so. The girl's seventeen.
Maggie: You're thinking of Marjorie.
Jason: Marjorie, yes...
Maggie: Anyway Jason you should have seen it. Jessica stood up on her chubby little legs, and
took three chubby little steps and then fell on her chubby little face. Ha ha!! Jason, do you
ever think about having another child?
Jason: Oh yes I do Maggie, yes. Sometimes I even dream about it.
Maggie: You do?
Jason: Aha. And then I wake up...screaming. Maggie, I know what you're going through.
Maggie: You do?
Jason: Yes. It's a syndrome. And it's very common among women your age, who suddenly
feel the urge to have one more baby.
Maggie: Well, what's wrong with that?
Jason: Well nothing. Except, you've just gone back to work. And we'd have to add a room on
to the house. Anyway, I thought we already had the family we wanted.
Maggie: Oh come on Jason. Those are just rationalizations. Now stop and think about it for a
minute. Can you give me one real reason why we shouldn't have another child?
Jason: Wait here. (He brings in Mike.)
Carol: Ok. Next we have to go over the basic home expenses; water, heat, gas, electrics. Are
you with me?
Richie: 'Til death do us part.
Mike: Hey, I haven't seen you crazy kids since you got back from the honeymoon. Hey Richie,
did you have any trouble finding a hotel that would take pets?
Richie: It's alright Carol. I'll handle this. Mike...I'll have to ask you to take that back.
Mike: No, no, Richie, don't get me wrong. I mean Carol's a great catch, and as soon as she's
cleaned scaled and deboned, she's fine.
Richie: Hey now I'm warning you Mike! Nobody talks to my simulated wife like that. 'Cause
simulated or not, I love her.
Richie: Ah. Now see what you've done? Honey, don't cry. Your Richie's coming.
Ben: What are you crazy? Mom told you not to do that.
Mike: What are gonna do? Tell on me.
Ben: I'm kicking it around.
Mike: How you gonna prove it? (skateboard crashes through the window)
Ben: Oh, I don't think evidence will be such a problem.
Mike: Ben! Ben! Ben! What can I say about you that hasn't already been said?
Ben: That I'm about to become a rich man.
Mike: Look Ben! You've gotta take the rap for me here. Now you're a first time offender, Mom
and Dad will only make you pay for the window, and I'll pay you back for that.
Ben: That, plus thirty Bucks.
Mike: Thirty Bucks??
Mike: Ben, I don't have that kind 'o money!
Ben: I'm sorry to hear that Mike.
Jason: Hey, what's going on in there!!??
Mike: Ben, you're my brother, I love you!!
Ben: Gee, Mike, I'm gonna cut you some slack here. 'Cause after all, money isn't that
important. Is it Mike?
Mike: No, no.
Ben: What's more important, is what one human being can do for another human being.
Mike: Right, right.
Ben: That's why I'd like you to be my personal servant for the weekend.
Mike: What? You little...
Jason: What was that noise in here?
Jason: Hey, who did this?
Maggie: Is that a skateboard?
Mike: Ok, ok, I'll do it.
Ben: Mom, Dad. I know this is unbelievable but...I was fooling around on Mike's skateboard,
and the thing went flying.
Maggie: You did this Ben?
Ben: Yeah. And I'm really really sorry.
Jason: Well sorry just isn't good enough Ben!! This is gonna come out of your allowance! And
if we ever catch you skateboarding in the house again, you're gonna discover the true
meaning of the word "sorry".
Maggie: Well, I'd better clean up that broken glass.
Mike: Alright little bro. We handled that pretty well.
Ben: Freeze sleaze!!
Ben: I believe we had a little arrangement.
Mike: Wait, wait a minute Ben. You didn't take that little joke about the servant business
seriously did you?
Ben: Oh Mom!
Mike: I'm pampering you silly.
Richie: I have my figures ready. We're still way under budget.
Carol: Richie, you've got zero Dollars down for entertainment.
Richie: I kind 'o figured we'd have home entertainment. How do you think we got eleven
Carol: Eleven children??!! I don't believe this, I mean first you buy me and then you turn me
into a baby machine!!
Richie: I thought that's what we both wanted.
Carol: That's it. I'll tell you what I want. I want a separation. We're dividing the budgets into
two, separate households.
Richie: Wh..what about the kids?
Carol: You keep the kids. You'll be hearing from my Attorney.
Richie: God, she's cute when she's angry.
Mike: Your sandwich.
Ben: Oh dear. What do I see here?
Mike: Ben, it's just like you ordered. Three parts peanut butter, one part marsh mallow, a
dollop of cream cheese, topped with one and a half raisins.
Ben: Yes. But I still see a speck of crust. You know my feelings about crust.
Mike: Ok. I'll cut it off.
Ben: No Michael, that just won't do. In the state I'm in I'll need an all new 'nother sandwich.
Mike: A new sandwich?
Ben: I see Salami and cheese and a tangy French mustard.
Mike: I ought to...
Ben: Oh Mom!!
Mike: Ok, ok.
Ben: Ok, ok, what?
Mike: Ok, ok, Lord Ben.
Maggie: Mind if I sit here a second?
Jason: Sure, fine, sit.
Maggie: You know, I've been thinking...
Jason: Sure, fine, think.
Maggie: ...about that summer home on Skwarm Lake. You know maybe we should hold off
putting down that deposit.
Jason: Sure, fine, hold off.
Maggie: Because, if we stay home this summer maybe we could add that new room onto the
Jason: Sure, fine, add a room.
Maggie: I was thinking we'd need an addition because, I might be having a baby.
Jason: Sure, fine, have a baby...
Jason: A baby?
Maggie: Now, I'm not sure yet. The doctor has to call back at two o' clock with the test results.
Jason: A baby!
Maggie: Oh Jason, I didn't tell you sooner because I knew you needed to concentrate on your
article, but then I got so nervous waiting for the doctor's call...
Jason: Maggie!! You know what this means? It means, we're having a baby!!
Maggie: You mean you're glad?
Jason: Glad???!!! Ha, ha, ha!! Maggie, "glad" doesn't begin to describe how I feel...I
Maggie: But Jason, I thought you didn't want to have another child.
Jason: That was before I got to know him.
Maggie: Oh honey, it's so weird that this should happen now, just when I started back to work,
I guess I'll, well I guess I'll just have to quit my job to be a mommy.
Jason: No, No, no! Don't you see it's different this time Maggie. I'm already home, I'll be the
Maggie: I guess that rules out breast feeding.
Jason: Yeah, no, yeah! But I can do everything else. I can bathe them, I can burp 'em, I can
change 'em...I'll guide his destiny. This is my chance...this is my chance to recapture all the
things I missed with the other kids.
Maggie: Like their crying all day long...
Jason: I'll wear ear plugs.
Maggie: Tons of dirty diapers...
Jason: I'll wear nose plugs.
Maggie: Three a.m feedings...
Jason: Maggie, if you're going to have a negative attitude about this, it's a good thing I'm
raising this kid.
Maggie: Well if that's the way you feel about it...have your own darn baby.
Jason: I could if I wanted to. Maggie, I want to have your baby!
Maggie: Oh, Jason, that's sweet.
Jason: Baby, baby, baby, baby, ooh ooh (singing)
Richie: Hi, Carol. How's it going?
Carol: Fine. How are things with you?
Richie: Oh Carol, you gotta come back, I can't make it alone on my budget.
Carol: Hey, you've got just as much money as I do.
Richie: I've got all eleven kids. We live in a shack...all we have to eat is fish food.
Carol: Richie, I think you're getting a little carried away here.
Richie: Hey, I think I'm allowed to get a little carried away for my sixty Dollars.
Carol: What are you talking about?
Richie: Oh, that's what I had to pay to get you as a partner.
Carol: Richie, that's crazy. I mean, that's a lot of money.
Richie: Ah, money isn't everything Carol. I would have paid six hundred Dollars for you, if
that's what it took.
Carol: That's the sweetest, and most morally psychotic thing anyone's ever said to me.
Richie: Hey! It's just the kind of guy I am...but I guess that's not good enough for you.
Carol: Look Richie. Maybe we can try a simulated trial reconciliation...until Monday.
Richie: Ah Carol, welcome home! Wait 'til I tell the kids.
Mike: Your Rambo doll's clothes are ready, your most exalted Ben.
Ben: Oh Michael, we're not pleased, Rambo's crease here looks terrible. How's the man
supposed to defend our country in wrinkled pants?
Ben: Oh my cookies are ready Michael...and I like them hot.
Ben: Channel seven Mike.
My cookies Michael I could swear I smelt them burning.
Ben: The phone Michael!
Mike: Seaver residence, home of the royal Ben's....Jennifer, Hi! Jennifer...
Ben: I said no personal calls.
Mike: Ben, that was Wonder Buns!
Ben: Hello, Wonder Buns, this is Big Ben here...Mike what do you think you're doing?
Mike: I'm revolting!!
Ben: No argument there Mike.
Mike: Oh you little...
Ben: I'm gonna tell Dad that you broke the window.
Mike: Yeah, well I'm gonna tell Dad you're blackmailing you little gangster!!!
Ben: Dad's gonna ground you!
Mike: Yeah well Dad's gonna ground you, and spank you!!
Jason: Hold it right there you two!!! You boys look so cute, I gotta take your picture...Oh,
yeah. Hey, you remember when you guys were just little babies, how we used to play "pat a
Jason: That was big time fun.
Mike: Yeah, what do you say we play a quick game right now?
Jason: Yeah, that's good!!
Mike: If I were you I'd get in on this.
Mike, Ben: (singing) Pat a cake, pat a cake, bakers man, bake me a cake as fast as you can...
Jason: Oh boys, you're both grounded until further notice. Ok? Smile come on!! Pat a cake...
Jason: Haa! I'm finished.
Maggie: Oh, that's great honey. I knew you'd finish your paper today.
Jason: No, not my paper. I couldn't concentrate on my paper. I have a list of baby names.
Jason: Here's my first choice, this is distinctive, it's commanding, it's noble, it's Julius.
Maggie: Ha ha ha, Julius Seaver?!?!
Jason: Aha!! I got plenty more just in case.
Maggie: Just in case of what?
Jason: Well, well just in case he turned out to be a comedian.
Jason: And if he were an all-American, every day kid...
Maggie and Jason: Beaver Seaver.
Maggie: Jason, what if he's a girl?
Jason: Oh oh, I better get back to work.
Maggie: Jason I was thinking that if it's a girl, that we could name her, "Rebecca".
Jason: Oh, Rebecca Seaver, that's pretty, I like that, I hope she looks just like you.
Maggie: Oh, me too...'cause she'd look kind of silly with a hairy chest! (phone rings) Oh that's
Jason: Oh don't answer it!!!
Jason: Well we've both got to be on the phone at the same time. I'll get the phone in the living
Maggie: Ok, hurry!!
Jason: Ok, go!
Maggie: (picks up the phone) Hello. Yes doctor, aha, I see, yes, well thank you for calling
doctor. (puts the phone down) Well I guess it's all for the best, I mean I wasn't really ready
to go through all that again, and it wouldn't have been fair to ask you to take so much time
away from your practice...I mean I guess....I guess it just isn't the time.
Jason: You really wanted to have a baby didn't you?
Maggie: Yeah, I guess I did.
Jason: Well, I did too. I guess we could look at this as "good news" and " bad news". The bad
news is that we're not going to have a baby right now, and the good news is that we can keep
trying to have a baby...even if it takes weeks.
Maggie: Or months.
Jason: I guess the important thing is that we keep at it.
Maggie: Well I'm willing to do my part. (they kiss)
Jason: alright the party's over let's get to work.
Mike: Ben, give me my skateboard!!
Ben: Not 'til you get my underwear down from the roof!!
Maggie: Very impressive honey. I might even go so far as to say that your paper is brilliant.
Jason: Well go so far, say it. What do you say we celebrate over dinner?
Maggie: Oh good idea.
Mike: Yes your Momness.
Ben: Yes your Dadness
Jason: We'll have two club sandwiches, just a hint of Mayo, on whole wheat toast.
Maggie: Oh, and hold the crust. You know how we feel about crust.