Jason: You can be sure the wok is at the correct temperature by sprinkling water on the
surface. The droplets should dance before evaporating. Yes, ballet or rumba?
Mike: Hey dad, look. We got a deal for you. If you'll just order pizza we'll pay for it.
Ben: Two toppings!
Jason: Are you guys saying that you have no faith in your old dad’s ability to cook a simple
Maggie: Hi honey!
Ben and Mike: Hi mum
Maggie: Hi guys. What's burning?
Jason: Me. If anyone says one more thing about my cooking, I may just forget the whole
Ben: Hey (mouth covered up)
Maggie: No one's going to say a word. What are we going to have?
Jason: Packed beef.
Carol: Sorry I’m late. I was over at Annie's.
Maggie: Oh your new friend? Oh Carol, I don't remember that sweater.
Carol: Oh! No! It's not mine. It’s Annie’s. She loaned it to me.
Mike: Oh call the nerd police. She's out of uniform again.
Jason: Are you wearing make up?
Carol: Oh just a little base, powder, blush, lipstick, mascara and eye liner.
Carol: Yeah. She says with the right color and shading, I have a beautiful face.
Maggie: Oh you know, she's right.
Carol: Mike, shut up! You don't see me making fun of your friends. Even the ones that drool.
Jason: You guys will be a little less hostile after some crispy friend duck lips.
Carol: I'm just glad that I won't be around here with HIM tonight.
Carol: Yeah. Annie and I are going out. If that's Ok?
Maggie: Well Carol, usually we know your friends before you go out with them.
Carol: Well what's to know. She's a cheerleader; she's on the drama club, very funny and
Ben: So what's she hanging around with you for?
Mike: Hey, I didn't say it. He did.
Jason: Sorry, it sounded like you.
Carol: So is it Ok?
Maggie: Where will you be going?
Carol: Shopping for ear rings, since I just got my ears pierced.
Carol: So is it Ok?
Jason: Sure. Just be careful walking after dark.
Carol: Oh don't worry. We won't be walking. Annie drives.
Maggie: Annie drives.
Jason: I heard.
Mike: Hey do you think she could pick some burgers up for us on the way over.
Maggie: I was going to take Carol to get her ears pierced. At least one ear.
Jason: Well honey. If it makes you feel any better, you can take me to get my ears pierced.
Maggie: I'm serious Jason.
Jason: Well what I'm hearing is that uh..I think you're a little bothered by the fact that Carol
is actually making a friend who has some real influence on her.
Maggie: How wrong you are doctor. I want Carol to have plenty of friends. I just wish she'd
pick someone who wasn't a slut.
Jason: Come on Maggie. You haven't even met the little tramp.
Maggie: You're defending a girl who makes our daughter up to look like Prince.
Jason: Prince is very popular.
Maggie: I know, I know. I'm just worried about her. That's all. I mean Carol has never had a
friend before who is so social.
Jason: Well Carol is also at the age when she is going to rebel a little. And that may include
picking some friends her parents might not approve of. Think how the parents of Mike's friends
Mike: Hey, mum, dad, I'll see you in the morning.
Maggie and Jason: Morning! Wo!
Jason: Hold it Mike.
Maggie: Where are you going?
Mike: Boner just called, and his parents don't want him home alone tonight ‘cause they're
out. So I'm gonna go spend the night at his place.
Jason: You're baby sitting Boner?
Mike: Hey, somebody's got to.
Maggie: Mike, shouldn't you tell us these things first?
Mike: that's what I just did mum.
Jason: No, no. That’s not how it works.
Mike: Are you guys actually saying that I can't go?
Jason: Very good.
Mike: Dad! Mum, can you talk to him?
Maggie: You know the rules Mike. You have to ask in advance.
Mike: Please O please can I go to Boners house?
Maggie: Maybe staying home tonight will teach you how and when to ask for something.
Mike: I don't. You guys have gone too far this time. You know what I'm going to do? I'm
going to tell you what I'm going to do.
(stands on his head)
I'm going to stay like this until you let me go to Boner's house. How do you like that?
Jason: Well maybe all that blood rushing to your brain will do it some good.
Ben: What didn't they let you do this time?
Mike: Spend the night at Boners.
Carol: I can't believe this. Annie Boyers sleeping at my house, and my stupid brother is
sitting on his head.
Mike: Yeah! And I'm going to stay just like this.
Carol: Mum! Mum!
Maggie: What? What is it?
Carol: It's him.
Mike: I didn't do anything mum. Maybe it's time we wallpaper Carol’s room in rubber. Now if
you'll excuse me, I have to call Boner and break my best friends heart.
Carol: Why does he have to be related to me? Why can't I have a normal brother who's not
a total embarrassment?
Ben: Hey! That's what I'm here for.
Mike: Boner, look I'm sorry. I just can't make it alright. My family needs me. Yeah alright.
Let me ask.
Hey dad. You're busy. Yeah Bone, it should be fine. I'll call you if there's a problem. Ok bye.
Jason: These are good. You want one?
Mike: No thanks dad. Ah about tonight. I'd really..
Jason: About tonight. Would you please do me a favor and try not to tease your sister
Jason: Yeah, that sister. She's got a new friend, you know. So try to be a little sensitive ok?
Mike: Hey dad, guys are supposed to be tough, not sensitive.
Jason: Oh really? Well then explain Allan Alder?
Mike: I can't.
Jason: Let me let you know a little secret Mike. Women go crazy for sensitive guys.
Mike: Oh come on dad.
Jason: Yeah, you remember those classic movies I bought and I forced you to watch?
Jason: You remember Casablanca?
Mike: Yeah with that old guy with the lisp.
Jason: Bogey, yes. Well do you remember how Carol and your mum cried at the end?
Jason: Well they cried, as all women do, Mike. Not because Bogey's a tough guy, which he
was, but because he was also sensitive.
Mike: Sensitive huh?
Mike: Here's looking at you kid.
Jason: Needs work.
Carol: Bye mum! Bye dad! See you later.
Maggie: Carol, wait!
Annie: Hi Carol.
Carol: Annie, this is my mum. Mum THIS is Annie.
Maggie: Nice to meet you Annie. Jason!
Annie: Thanks. You too.
Carol: And this is my little brother, Ben.
Annie: Did you bring more clothes for Carol?
Annie: It's Ok. I have a little brother too.
Carol: And this is my father.
Jason: Hi Annie.
Jason: Well it's nice to meet the artist who painted Carols face.
Annie: It's Ok. I have a father too.
Carol: And that's Mike.
Carol: See you later Mike.
Mike: Oh, yeah right! I have to go out and change. I was just in the garage fixing the
Jason: Mike, we don't have a Porsche.
Mike: Ah right! Porsche, Ferrari, who can keep them straight.
Annie: Come on Carol. I brought over a couple of hot sweaters I want you to try.
Carol: Oh, great!
Maggie: So you guys can just hang around here tonight.
Annie: This one makes you look so sexy.
Annie: What do you want to do tonight?
Carol: Well I thought we were going to the mall?
Annie: Well we just did that this afternoon.
Carol: Well we could see something at the Six Blacks?
Annie: Anything you want to see?
Carol: Not really.
Annie: Me neither.
Carol: I've seen them all.
Annie: Me too.
Carol: Well, where else?
Annie: I don't know.
Carol: I don't know either.
Annie: We don't have to go out.
Carol: You mean stay here?
Annie: We could.
Carol: For the night?
Annie: Hey that would be fun.
Maggie: Carol's going to have her own friends and we shouldn't worry unless there's
something to worry about.
Jason: You sound so smart when you agree with me.
Maggie: Don't push your luck.
Jason: Sweet and sour shrimp?
Maggie: Oh, is that for me?
(spits it out)
Jason: Ah, this can't be. You know I followed that recipe to the letter. I had water dancing
like Baryshnikov here.
Maggie: Honey. I think you used salt instead of sugar.
Jason: Well that's impossible.
Maggie: Well that's ok. I mean it could happen to anybody. It looks exactly alike. It's an
Jason: So you've done it too, huh?
Maggie: You've got to be kidding.
Annie: This color would look good on you
Carol: not as good as it looks on you.
Annie: Not true.
Carol: Let’s face it. All these look better on you.
Maggie: Carol! Your father and I are getting some Chinese take out, from wok around the
Carol: I thought dad was..
Maggie: He was. Would you set the table for me please?
Carol: Sure. Are you sure you don't mind hanging out here all evening?
Carol: what do you want?
Mike: Ah, not a thing. I was just out for a fresh of breath air. Vicious sweater Annie.
Annie: Thanks. It's nice to have a boy’s point of view.
Mike: Yeah, well, that’s me. All boy. Some might even say a man. Some might even say a
Carol: Some might even say I'm gonna puke on my shoes.
Annie: I like your outfit too.
Mike: This? Well Don Johnson sends me these test clothes every month, for my approval. I
guess I'll give these a thumbs up.
Carol: Ah Mike. There's something hanging from your nose.
Mike: Cool. I get the distinct feeling that you want me to leave. If you do, just say the word
and I’ll go.
Carol: I want you to know, you don't have to be nice to Mike just because he's my brother.
Carol: I'm got to go set the table.
Annie: I'm going to change. I'll be right down.
Annie: (phone call) Sherry! Guess where I am? The Seavers. Yes, and Mike's here. I think he
likes me. Well he changed his clothes and combed his hair. No, Carol doesn't suspect a thing.
Jason: Come on Maggie.
Maggie: I'll be there in a minute. Mike, Mike Mike. I was wrong. You should spend the night
at Boners. And leave now.
Mike: Hey mum. How am I ever going to learn that darn lesson, if I don't stay here tonight?
Maggie: Well I don't want you learning any more this evening. I think you should go. Go and
baby-sit your friend.
Mike: Yeah but mum!
Boner: Hello, thanks Mrs Seaver.
Boner: Yo Mikey!
Maggie: Boner, what are you doing here?
Boner: Well my folks didn't want me to spend the night alone, so I asked Mikey if I could stay
over. He didn't ask.
Maggie: No! He didn't.
Mike: No, no, I didn't ask him. We all know what that means. No asking no getting. I'm only
going to learn the hard way. Boner, my friend, you’ll have to go.
Maggie: Oh no. But we're all human mike. We all forget things. I mean why should your
innocent friend suffer, on account of saving me?
Mike: That's ok. Boner's tough.
Boner: No I’m not.
Maggie: Mike, I insist. Boner, please stay and enjoy the Seaver hospitality. Watch TV, play
games, keep each other busy.
Jason: Maggie, what holding you up?
Maggie: Let's go Jason. We don't have all night.
Annie: So, I was crying, and my dad said "what's wrong?" I was too embarrassed to tell him.
Carol: Well what was it?
Annie: Something on TV. I don't want to tell you. You'll think I'm a ditz.
Carol: No I won't.
Annie: Promise you won’t laugh?
Carol: I promise.
Annie: Ok. It was one of those long distance commercials.
Carol: Are you kidding? They make me cry too.
Annie: They do not! Are you kidding me? Which one?
Carol: The Father and the son.
Annie: Yes, that's the one I was crying about.
Annie: I feel so stupid, yep.
Maggie: And we have to tell Carol, because she has to know. But we can't tell Carol,
because it would break Carol's heart if we tell her, but we know she should know. Yes or no?
Jason: Believe it or not, I do.
Maggie: I was right about Annie all along. You see?
Jason: Oh, this is no time to talk about whose right or wrong.
Maggie: Why do you only say that when I'm right?
Jason: Look. After we pick up dinner, then we'll come back, we'll warn Mike about Annie. By
then, maybe we'll have figured out a way to break it to Carol.
Maggie: We can't go now.
Jason: Oh Maggie, it's a minute there, a minute back. Nothing will happen. Especially with
Boner: Mikey. Come on, let me in.
Mike: Boner, look. If you're really my friend, then you’ll go spend the night at Eddies.
Boner: Eddie's got a date tonight. Come on Mike. You'll at least let me in to get my sleeping
Mike: Alright, alright. But just for a second.
Boner: This is so that you can make the moves on that chick, huh?
Mike: Of course not.
Boner: You know Mike, this is totally uncool. She's your sister's friend and ...oh wow!
Mike: You were saying?
Carol: Mike is Boner staying for dinner?
Mike: Ah, no, no. Actually, he's leaving right now to go spend the night at Eddie’s house.
You're sure you can't get out of it. Yeah, Eddie gets real disappointed. But thanks for stopping
over, and I'll see you in school on Monday.
Annie: Carol, go ahead and try on the peach blouse I brought. I forgot the chopsticks.
Carol: Ok! Call us when mum and dad get back. Ok?
Mike: Yeah, sure, fine, no problem.
Annie: Are these the good chopsticks?
Mike: Ah, best we have. Ah Annie, that blue thing you have on there, it's nice. What do you
Mike: Ah good. That's catchy.
Annie: I'm not that this one goes with my earrings though.
Mike: Ah, earrings?
Annie: Here, tell me what you see?
Mike: Yeah, yeah, those are earrings alright.
Annie: But do they go with my sweater?
Mike: Oh, oh definitely.
Annie: Are you sure?
Mike: Ah, well, just to be sure, let me double check.
Annie: Wow! I was hoping this night would end up like this.
Mike: Yeah, but Carol might come back.
Annie: Forget Carol.
Mike: Ah, I like your style.
Mike: Hey Carol!
Maggie: Oh my god, we have to talk.
Maggie: Now I know this is shocking, but Annie is using Carol because she’s interested in
Maggie: Yes, I heard her on the phone and I wanted to warn you before anything happened,
because something like this could devastate Carol.
Mike: Yeah. I mean yeah! You know, probably the best thing would be for me to go over to
Boner's right now.
Mike: Hey see you dad.
Jason: Where are you going?
Mike: Boner's house.
Mike: Mum’s idea.
Jason: Don't give me that.
Annie: Carol! Open the door. Please?
Carol: No. I'm never coming out. Ever.
Annie: She's trying on a skirt she doesn't like.
Annie: Carol, I'm sorry.
Carol: Go away!
Jason: Carol! Chinese food.
Carol: Chinese food, Chinese food. You expect me to eat Chinese food?
Maggie: Dinner will be on the table in a minute.
TV: Remember long distance.
TV: When a friend really matters.
Annie: I got to go talk to Carol.
Jason: Don't mention Chinese food.
Mike: I got to go outside.
Ben: I'm surrounded by loons.
Boner: Mikey, I won't bother nobody. I'll just stay right here.
Mike: Boner I kissed Annie.
Boner: Oh man! That's fantastic.
Mike: What are you nuts? It's horrible.
Boner: But I thought that's what you were after?
Mike: Boner, hitting on your sisters best friend is totally uncool. Where have you been? Boner,
Carol saw us and she ran upstairs crying.
Boner: Oh! So how was it?
Mike: How was what?
Boner: You know. The kiss.
Mike: Well, I'm not one to kiss and tell Boner, but just between you and me, it was pretty
Boner: Wow! Show me.
Carol: I was so stupid to think that somebody like you would want to be my friend.
Annie: I am your friend.
Carol: Annie, I'm not stupid. I've a four point zero grade average; I'm a member of the
chess club, and president of the Future Nuclear Physicists of America. I know why you're here.
Annie: Ok, you're right. But I really like you too. I swear. I never told anybody about those
long distance commercials before. Carol, this is the worst thing I've ever done. If you hate me
forever, I don't blame you.
Carol: Fine, I will. Just one question though.
Annie: What? Anything to make it up to you.
Carol: Why Mike?
Annie: He's cute.
Mike: But he can't kiss for a doodlely.
Carol: You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Annie: Yeah, I am.
Maggie: Somehow Carol must have found out what Annie was up to. Well we'd better get up
there and check on them.
Jason: That's what I've been saying all along.
Maggie: So you agree?
Jason: Of course I agree. I said it.
Maggie: Jason, this is no time to be claiming credit.
Maggie: Sweetheart, are you Ok?
(Noise of squealing)
Maggie: Oh Jason, they are both hysterical.
Jason: Carol! Annie!
Carol: I know dad, Chinese food.
Jason: Told you there was no reason to come up here.
Mike: I didn't mean to hurt anybody. Is it my fault that women find me irresistible?
Boner: It's a curse.
Mike: Now, what would that sensitive guy with the lisp say?
Boner: I guess he's say "I'm thorry".
Mike: I got it. Hey Carol, Annie, can I talk to you both for a minute?
Carol: Uh hu.
Mike: Alright. Now a great many things have happened to us tonight, and I know that I have
to do the thinking for all of us.
Carol: What is it Mike?
Mike: Alright, look! I'm no good at being noble Carol. But, it doesn't take much to see that
the problems of three little people, don't amount to a hill of beans. Yeah, now you guys must
remember this. A kiss is just a kiss.
Carol: Mike, is this going to take long?
Mike: Alright look. The point is...Annie I'm sorry, but it can never be for us. And Carol, I'm
really sorry that I kissed Annie.
Carol: Forget about it Mike.
Annie: Yeah, it was nothing.
Mike: It was nothing? Forget about it? Hey, what about the tears? The heartbreak? Hey what
about my kiss? What about Alan Alder?
Film: "Here's looking at you kid"
Ben: That guy with the lisp is good.
Mike: Would you look at that. She's crying. I don't get it. What was I doing wrong? Play it
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