Growing Pains 417
Mike: Hey Ben, if this Amy girl that you are so hot for already said yes to the movie, then
what's your problem? Yes! Alright, the pressure's on. You miss this, you've got C A R O.
Ben: My problem is that mum and dad have never really officially said that I can go out on
Mike: Yes, my young hornball, but have they officially said that you cannot go out on these
Mike: So then what’s your problem? Shoot the ball. Alright alright. Oh hoo. That’s C A R O,
and I've only got a C. Ok, here we got. Yes.
Ben: But Mike, mum and dad have got that long standing rule that if you don’t ask
Mike: Bennie, Bennie, Bennie, that’s for when toilet roll man walks in the door.
Julie: Your dinners on.
Mike: Alright, let’s just ask Julie.
Ben: no way.
Julie: Ask me what?
Mike: It’s about girls.
Julie: Bennie, you can ask me. I probably know more about girls than Mike does.
Mike: I doubt that. And yet I don’t.
Ben: Well it’s kind of a guy thing.
Julie: Well I’m sure that whatever Mike says it will be good advice.
Mike: Oh thank you.
Julie: For what?
Mike: For believing in me.
Julie: What’s not to believe in?
Ben: What the heck was all that crud?
Mike: Manners Bennie, manners. Shoot the ball. Alright.
Oh hoo. That’s C A R O L, that spells Carol, and you lose.
Ben: I don’t care. I do not care if I got Carol. What am I supposed to do about my date with
Mike: Bennie, I know, we'll let God decide.
Ben: I think he’s going to side with mum and dad.
Mike: No, no, no, no. Ben listen. If you make the shot, then you go out with Amy. And if you
don’t then, uh, I have a secret relationship with Julie.
Mike: Just kidding. Alright.
Ben: Yeah!Maggie and Jason: There you are!
Mike: Ahh! What am I panicking for? I'm just getting baloney.
Jason: Sorry Mike, we thought you were Ben.
Maggie: We're a little upset.
Mike: Hey if I thought I was Ben then I’d be a little upset too.
Jason: Well do you know where your brother is?
Mike: Well its midnight. My guess would be in bed.
Jason: He’s not. He’s snuck out.
Maggie: On a date.
Mike: No! Well that little hornball.
Maggie: Amy Bowen’s mother called and wanted to talk to Amy. I said she's not here. She said,
well there must be some mistake. So I went in to talk to Ben and what do you think I found?
Mike: Three pillows.
Jason: Two pillows. What do you know about this Mike?
Mike: Look, all I know is that that young lad broke a long standing Seaver rule, and he should
be punished as punished severely. Now I shall enjoy my baloney.
Maggie: That’s him
Mike: Let’s get him.
Jason: We know all about your secret date young man.
Carol: I'm sorry, I’m sorry. I should have told you.
Mike: That’s her all right. This is getting good.
Jason: Now we thought you've been in bed the last four hours.
Mike: Exactly what kind of a date what this?
Jason: Exactly what kind of a date was this?
Carol: Just with a guy from school.
Maggie: But you snuck out. We didn’t meet him. We didn’t know where you were. You know
Mike: Long standing I believe.
Maggie: What is going on here? I've got two kids who snuck out, and the one who didn’t I’m
not too thrilled with.
Carol: Ben snuck out?
Carol: On a date?
Mike: And where do you think he learned such behavior? That’s him.
Carol: Let’s get him.
Ben: Um, I was dreaming about food. I woke up. Got dressed, flipped up my color and came
down for a snack.
Maggie: You really don’t feel I’m slothing off my parental duty by having you handle both
Jason: No. You won the coin toss far and square.
Maggie: That’s very adult of you.
Jason: Ben, Ben, Ben.
Ben: Yes, yes, yes.
Jason: What you did last night was wrong. Now we have to know where you are at all times,
and that’s not negotiable. Alright? Now what do you have to say for yourself?
Ben: Just that I love you both very very much.
Jason: You don’t have the chops for that Mike stuff, ok. But you're getting there, and that
Ben: Thank you.
Jason: That was not a compliment Ben. Come on, now I want an explanation.
Ben: Any Bowen is so pretty. I just wanted to go out with her. Just her and me for a whole
movie. Which by the way was rated G.
Jason: Well Ben, don’t think I don’t remember what its like being a twelve and a half year old
Ben: All I know is that whenever I see Amy shoot those red banks out of her eyes, I just melt.Jason: Well there is something about red heads, isn’t there. For me it was freckles.
Jason: Yeah, I can still remember Rosalind Bladder hanging from that jungle gym. Freckles
from here to Tuesday.
Ben: Amy has this really cute way of touching your arm when you're reaching for a pencil.
Jason: Like it was an accident?
Ben: Yeah, but she knows she's doing it.
Jason: Oh Ben, they all know.
Ben: Dad I know I wouldn’t have done any of that bad stuff if I had been able to think.
Jason: Don’t be so hard on yourself Ben.
Ben: But I disappointed you.
Jason: Look, you went to a movie. That’s all you did. With a girl. I'd be a little disappointed if
Ben: Dad, I snuck....go on.
Jason: And I think you've learned your lesson about disobeying me and your mum.
Ben: Oh I did. I did.
Jason: Alright. So your punishment this time Ben, is going to be a stern warning. Ok. But I
also want you assurance that this won’t happen again. Your mother worries.
Ben: It won’t. It won’t.
Jason: Ok. Hey Ben. Get out of here you lady killer.
Jason: Carol, Carol, Carol.
Carol: Yes, yes, yes.
Jason: I am...
Carol: Very disappointed in me.
Jason: What you did..
Carol: Very wrong.
Jason: Yes and if you don’t..
Carol: Expect so much better form me.
Jason: I'm doing the punishment. I get to talk, ok.
Carol: Go ahead.
Jason: Ok. What do you have to say for yourself?
Carol: Well see, there's this guy Charlie in my trig class, and he's really really cute. Shy. So
when out of the blue he invited me to the movies..
Jason: Is there anything, Carol, in what you are going to say, that will change the fact that
you broke a long standing Seaver rule?
Carol: Dad, I can explain sneaking out of the house.
Jason: I'm not talking about that rule. I'm talking about the other Seaver rule. We have to
meet your friends, and we have to know where you're going to be at all times. And thank you
for pointing out that you broke two Seaver rules.
Carol: I didn’t plan on breaking any rules, it just..
Carol: Well yeah. Don’t you remember when you were young?
Jason: I remember obeying my father’s rules.
Carol: Don’t you ever remember losing your head over a really cute guy?
Jason: Not that I can recall.
Carol: Dad, I know what I did was wrong..
Jason: You bet it was.
Carol: But if..
Jason: Did you know the rules?
Carol: Well yes.
Jason: Did you break the rules?
Jason: Were you under the control of alien beings?
Jason: No. Then you are grounded for two weeks.
Carol: Two weeks! Dad I’ve learned my lesson. You have my assurance that this will not
Jason: Wait a minute. That’s exactly what you said the last time this happened. So you aregrounded fro a full month. Are we clear?
Mike: Alright Bennie! You got a warning! You are almost as good as I was when I was your
Ben: That’s what dad said.
Mike: Wow. I made an impression on the man.
Carol: What are you so happy about squirt?
Ben: My punishment.
Carol: Yeah, well I guess a month of grounding doesn’t mean much to someone with your
Mike: Dad grounded you for a month?
Carol: Uh hu.
Mike: You know my respect for that man grows more and more every day.
Carol: Why? What did you get Ben?
Ben: Well, I don’t think I should tell you.
Carol: Come on Ben. How long were you grounded for?
Carol: Two weeks?
Carol: One week?
Ben: Not exactly.
Carol: What what?
Mike: Hey hey. Get off his back. He got a warning.
Carol: A warning! A stinking warning!
Ben: Plus my word that I would never do it again.
Carol: Well pardon me while I pop my pantyhose.
Ben: Hey, all I really did was break one of mum and dads rules.
Carol: Its two rules, and I did the same thing you little rodent.
Mike: Hey, I believe calling your brother a furry little animal violates Seaver rule number six.
Carol: Pus bag.
Mike: Uh hu. Seaver rule seven.
Ben: Hey Mike. Are you coming? Me and dad are going to watch the Nicks game.
Mike: Yeah. In a minute.
Carol: I do not get this at all.
Mike: Well then obviously Carol, you are missing a very important point.
Mike: Well that you are a girl and Ben is, although a small one, a guy.
Carol: That’s sexism.
Mike: Hey look Carol. If you feel that strongly about it, just stop shaving your armpits.
Maggie: Carol, it won’t do you any good to appeal your punishment to me. Your father spoke
for both of us.
Carol: mother, there is something I must tell you. There is a sexist male in out midst.
Maggie: What sleazy thing did mike say to you?
Carol: Mum, I’m talking about a bigger pig. A man you married.
Maggie: Carol, that is very disrespectful. No one calls your dad a pig, but me.
TV: Ewing shoots. Yeah!
Ben, Mike and Jason: Yeah!
Maggie: Jason honey, have you got a second?
Jason: Yeah, in a minute honey. Nicks are down by two. Last minute of the game.
Maggie: See Carol has this silly idea that ....
Jason: He's done it!
Ben, Mike and Jason: Yeah!
TV: Driving, driving, yeah!
Mike: Yes, it’s all tied up.
Maggie: Oh, this is almost as good as you getting off with no punishment.
Ben: You said it.
Maggie: Jason.Jason: Yeah, the next commercial honey.
TV: He's got it. He's making a dribble drive down the lane. This could be the game. He shoots
and it’s in.
Ben, Mike, Jason: Ahhh!
Maggie: The next commercial is here.
Jason: Maggie, what is it? We got Ewing dribble driving down the lane here!
Maggie: Is television really more important than family life?
Ben: It is to me.
Maggie: Ben, go to your room now.
Mike: Look, I’m going too. And dad look, I don’t know what Seaver rule you broke, but you
are in big big trouble.
Maggie: Mike we are just going to have a simple discussion.
Mike: Alright. But just one word of advice for you dad. Remember you're a man.
Jason: I know that Mike. I'm kidding Maggie, I’m kidding. Well what is so important?
Maggie: Jason honey, I think you've sent the wrong message with these punishments you’ve
Jason: What message?
Maggie: Well I’m a little embarrassed to say, but carol thinks that the reason she was
punished and Ben wasn’t, is because you're sexist.
Jason: Well it’s totally wrong.
Maggie: I knew it was.
Jason: I should hope so. Yes.
Maggie: I told her it was all a misunderstanding and I knew you had very good reasons for
giving out different punishments.
Jason: You bet I did.
Maggie: What were they?
Jason: You want to hear them now?
Maggie: Oh no, no. I don’t need to hear them
TV: This is the most incredible game in the history of the MBA. These two...
Maggie: Just incase Carol asks me, I should know.
Jason: Ok, well in Carol’s case, she knew the rules but she snuck out anyway with a boy we'd
never met. Alright? It was her second offence that’s why I doubled the grounding.
Maggie: Uh hu.
Jason: Now in Ben’s case, he's a young lad. He's got those raging hormones. He sees a pretty
girl and he lost his head, so who can blame him?
Maggie: Uh hu. Did you mention it to Ben that he's still six months away from being old
enough to date?
Jason: Not specifically no, but I..
Maggie: Did you tell him that his sneaking out caused us both to walk the floor with worry?
Jason: In a round about way. Yes I brought up that the core issue here..
Maggie: Did you mention anything specifically in a non round about way?
Jason: I certainly did. Sort of.
Maggie: Like what?
Jason: Well I, I told him you were worried. Those were my exact words. I said your mother is
Maggie: Jason, listen to yourself.
Jason: Honey, what’s your point?
Maggie: I think that Ben got off easy because he's a guy.
Jason: I don’t like what you are accusing me of.
Maggie: Well I don’t feel so hot myself.
Jason: Come on. Don’t you remember back in the days when you were burning bras? I was
always there with a full box of matches. You'll laugh later.
Maggie: Jason, I don’t know what to say.
Jason: Honey, I think you are just looking at this in very simplistic terms.
Jason: It doesn’t matter what I say or do right now does it? You are going to be stuck there in
this illogical rut.
Maggie: Illogical rut?
Jason: Oh my choice of words may not be ideal. I'm sorry.Maggie: But isn’t that what you meant?
Jason: Why are you offended? I'm the one being accused of being a sexist.
Maggie: If the snout fits, wear it.
Jason: Well then if you didn’t think that I could handle the punishment fairly, why did you
agree to coin flip?
Maggie please. Come down here. Both of us, we should just calm down.
Maggie: Oh, and forget that I’m a simplistic illogical female stuck in a rut.
Jason: I'm game if you are.
Maggie: Ben, Ben, Ben.
Ben: Yes, yes, yes.
Maggie: You know the rules of the house?
Ben: Yeah, and I thought one of them was that you couldn’t get tried for the same crime
Maggie: No Ben, that’s the United States. This is Seaver land.
Ben: But mum, Amy Bowen is so pretty, I mean I just wanted to go out with her. Don’t you
remember what its like to be a twelve year old boy?
Maggie: Not that I recall. Oh Ben, does anything that you are about to say change the fact
that you broke three long standing Seaver rules?
Maggie: You snuck out. You met a date we didn’t know and you're not old enough to date.
Ben: This is getting worse and worse and I’m just standing here.
Maggie: Save it Ben, now for your punishment. No TV for a month.
(Growing pains will not be seen for a month)
(Because Ben messed up)
Ben: Oh no!
Maggie: Starting tomorrow.
Carol: Mum, mum, mum.
Maggie: Carol be quiet. I'm going to do the talking.
Maggie: What were you thinking? I count on you, you're my daughter.
Carol: I know.
Maggie: I expect these kind of shenanigans from the boys, but you!
Carol: Mum, I lost my head. Yesterday when Charlie asked me out..
Maggie: Charlie Maginly?
Carol: Uh hu.
Maggie: From trig class?
Carol: Uh hu.
Maggie: The cute one you told me about with the jeans?
Carol: That’s the one.
Carol: I know. Well anyway, when he asked me out yesterday, I was afraid to tell you. I mean,
this guy is so cute, dad would have hated him for sure.
Maggie: That cute hu?
Carol: Cuter. Well anyway, you know, I’ve been flirting with him for weeks to ask me out. But
not too much, because I didn’t want him to think that I was a tease. But on the other hand, I
didn’t want him to think that I was a cold fish. Oh mum, being seventeen can be so horrible.
Maggie: Oh honey.
Carol: You know, I thought that Charlie might be interested in me when I noticed that he
always seemed to be tying his shoe by my locker. When then shelly said it wasn’t an accident
and he knew what he was doing.
Maggie: Carol, they all know.
Carol: And mum, he looks so adorable in his gym shorts.
Maggie: Oh those gym shorts. Did I ever tell you about Clud Tyler?
Maggie: Well he was on the basketball team, and I was a cheerleader. We went steady allsenior year. I dumped him after graduation. He didn’t have a lot upstairs, but, uh, I’ll never
forget those gym shorts.
Carol: Mum, mum.
Maggie: Oh yes.
(Mike kisses Julie)
Julie: Hi Ben.
Julie: Got ya.
Mike: What the heck are you doing here on Saturday?
Julie: I couldn’t stay away.
Mike: White bread. Rye bread.
Julie: Uh, what’s the matter Bennie?
Ben: Mum over ruled dad, and I got a month of no TV.
TV: We're going in to triple overtime. I don’t know about you, but mad dogs couldn’t drag me
away from this one. This....Coming up next, an interview with..
Jason: Are you happier?
TV: We are going to find out if Jane's career is over, or just on hold.
Maggie: Can’t we watch the Nicks game?
Carol: Julie, what are you doing here?
Julie: Oh, just dropping off the groceries. I got to run.
Carol: Oh, you got a date?
Julie: Kind of. Well I was hoping this guy would drop over around eight, and we'll probably
watch some TV and order in Chinese.
Mike: Sounds like fun.
Carol: Bye. Yeah well, I might go out on a date myself tonight.
Ben: Wait a minute, what happened to your punishment?
Carol: I'm doing it.
Mike: What, they are making you walk around with a goofy look on your face?
Carol: For your information, I have to do breakfast dishes all week.
Ben: It was your week anyway.
Carol: Uh hu.
Ben: That’s it? That is all mum gave you? And I got a month of no TV?
Maggie: Go, go, shoot it, shoot it!
Jason: So, what did you give Ben?
Maggie: Next commercial. Wow, great rebound.
Jason: Maggie, is TV really more important than..
Maggie: What a shot! Hey, are you nuts? They're in quadruple overtime.
Jason: Well I merely wanted to see how you remedied the situation dear, so I can learn to
become a better parent in the future.
Ben: That is the most unfair thing I’ve ever heard.
Mike: If I were you Bennie boy, I would not stand for this. I know sexism when i smell it.
Carol: Me too. It smells like cheap cologne.
Jason: Well my point is, is that maybe your punishment gave out children the wrong message.
Jason: Yeah. That certain mothers can give certain daughters certain breaks.
Maggie: Oh Jason, are you accusing me, Ms Maggie Malone, or sexism?
Jason: If the bra fits, burn it.
Maggie: Oh Jason, you can’t help but feel this way. I mean, you're just blinded by your own
Maggie: Possibly my choice of words was perfect.
Jason: That’s incredible. You don’t even know how wrong you are.
Maggie: Didn’t you let your son off Scot free?Jason: Didn’t you let your daughter off Scot free.
Maggie: Well I just gave my daughter a little understanding because I know how tough it is to
be seventeen, female, and dealing with boys.
Jason: And I know how confusing it is to be a boy who suddenly wakes up one day and finds
he would trade his immortal soul just for a nice view of freckles. I can’t say it any clearer.
Maggie: Jason, can’t you even consider the possibility that you were easier on Ben than Carol?
Jason: Of course I was.
Jason: Not because I’m sexist Maggie. Its just common knowledge. Both parents are always
much tougher on daughters than sons.
Maggie: oh it’s not common anything.
Jason: Well it should be.
Maggie: Men are such jerks. That's why I was so tough on Ben.
Jason: Maggie, listen to yourself.
Maggie: well I do know this, I am no more sexist than, than,..
Jason: Than I am?
Jason and Maggie: Oh Boy!
Jason: You want to hug a sexist?
Maggie: Do you?
Jason: I'm thinking.
Jason: So we want to talk to you about improving the punishment situation.
Ben: That’s exactly what I wanted to talk to both of you about.
Carol: Well I, for one, think things have gone wonderfully.
Maggie: We're talking about injustice.
Mike: Oh, let me get a good seat.
Jason: Doesn’t really concern you Mike.
Mike: Hey, are you serious? Injustice anywhere concerns me.
Jason: From now on, I will be handling all of Carol’s punishments.
Maggie: And I will be handling all of bens punishments.
Mike: Neither of you are going to get away with anything.
Ben and Carol: That’s right!
Jason: From now on in Seaver land, your mother and I will use our sexism for good, instead of
Maggie: So Ben, your month of no TV stands.
Jason: Carol, your month of grounding stands.
Mike: Hey, if you ask me, the two of you are getting off easy. Especially you Carol. Everybody
knows that girls are supposed to be better than boys. Right dad?
Jason: I'm not saying anything.