Julie: Mike, go!
Mike: Yep yep yep. Time to go alright.
Julie: Mike, I’m Chrissy's nanny. I don’t want your parents walking in on us making out.
Mike: I just wanted to hear you say making out.
Mike: Alright. Oh and one more thing..
Mike: Just kidding.
Maggie: Ah, so Julie, how did you make out?
Julie: Make out!
Maggie: With Chrissy.
Julie: Oh fine. Fine. Hi everybody. How was dinner?
Wally: Thanks again Jason for picking up the check.
Jason: Oh don’t even mention it. Actually Maggie insist......You're welcome Wally.
Maggie: So Julie, have you seen Mike tonight?
Julie: No. I haven’t seen him the whole evening. It’s just been me and Chrissy.
Mike: Ah. Mum dad. When the heck did you guys get home? Grandma, Wally, what are you
guys doing here?
Grandma: Your father won’t let us leave until we pay half the check.
Ben: Good one grandma.
Mike: Hey Julie, here’s the soda you asked for.
Carol: I thought you hadn’t seen him all evening.
Maggie: We have some major family news to talk about.
Mike: Yeah, about what?
Maggie: Well, a loving couple that has come a very long way in just a few short months.
Mike: Ah, do I know them?
Jason: Yes it seems that your grandmother and, uh...
Jason: Wally, have set a wedding date.
Mike: Ah right grandma!
Maggie: Yes, its exactly two weeks from tomorrow.
Grandma: On a cruise to the Caribbean.
Carol: And on the very same boat that they met and fell in love.
Grandma: And, the whole family's invited.
Wally: Yes. My treat. Unless you think I’m going overboard. Yo0u get it? Overboard.
Maggie: Oh and Julie, I had an idea. If you can take the time, we'd love for you to come with
us and help with Chrissy.
Julie: An ocean cruise to the Caribbean!
Maggie: Uh hu.
Maggie: Oh and Wally, you can’t pay for all of us and Julie.
Wally: Oh I insist.
Maggie: I know Wally, but I think that’s its just...
Jason: Maggie, the man insists. I'll pick up the next cruise.
Ben: Hey you guys please, if I meet a pretty girl, don’t mention that I pick my nose.
Mike: Hey, the little one picks his nose.
Grandma: Do you have everything Wally?
Wally: Oh, by this time tomorrow I will. Everything I need in one little package.
Maggie: Jason, you promised.
Jason: Did I say anything negative?
Maggie: Well I believe in our discussion, you also foresaw eyebrow lip squints, throat clears
and bulging eyes.
Jason: But Maggie..
Maggie: And buts. Especially big buts.
Jason: Pardon me?
Maggie: If you can’t give your mother your blessing, at least give her a silent smile.
Maggie: Well she hardly needs my blessing Maggie. Mum, do you have everything you need
for this trip?
Grandma: Sure do.
Wally: I'm in the mood for love....
Wally and Grandma: Simply because you're near me.
Mike: Not a bad commute.
Ben: Mike, listen to this. Fun activities for the whole family; shuffle board, a ping pong
tournament and every Tuesday night a limbothon. Wooooo, hold me back! Mike, there's got to
be something we can do on this ship.
Mike: Yeah Bennie. There's got to be.
Ben: And I’m not going to rest until I find it.
Mike: Me either.
Jason: Maybe it’s out here Maggie. Women! One suitcase is too many and a thousand is not
Julie: That was close.
Mike: No, this is close.
Jason: Honey, found your yellow bag. Where do you want it?
Maggie: That’s not yellow, that’s canary. Your shirt is yellow.
Jason: I thought it was golden. Well that must be mums, or Wally’s. Mum, is this your
Grandma: What this about a canary dear?
Grandma: I think that uh, Jason was a little upset about what we were doing.
Wally: What were we doing?
Grandma: Making out.
Wally: I know. I just wanted to hear you say making out.
Jason: Hey Mike.
Mike: Hey who are we waving to?
Jason: I don’t know Mike. Just go with the flow.
Ben: Children’s play room. When I have kids I’ll be back. Casino. Well, well, well.
Lady: for the last time, you are too young. Now stay out!
Ben: And the only reason you are throwing me out is because I was winning. Man, there's
got o be something I’m old enough to do. Limbothon, beer drinking ...
? Young man. Would you like a little captain’s hat?
Ben: That’s ok.
? They are free.
Ben: My dad will probably want one.
? I'm Doreen. Your ships kids’ officer. What’s your name?
Ben: Ben Seaver.
Doreen: Seaver. Seaver, Seaver, Seaver.
Ben: It might be under Wally Openmyer.
Doreen: The Openmyer wedding party? I just met them. They are such a cute couple. I'm
taking care of all the bridal arrangements. I'm also "your ships social director". Hey, let me
show you are darned exciting play room. You want a make up holder for your mum?
Ben: Oh that’s ok.
Bikini Lady: (speaks in Swedish)
Doreen: I'm also "your ships linguist". This is the University of Stockholm’s gymnastic team.
Bikini Lady: (more Swedish)
Doreen: (reply in Swedish)
Ben: What did she just say? What did she just say?
Doreen: I'll have to show them to the pool.
Ben: I'll do it. I'm your ships hornball.
Grandma: So Wally had no place to eat, but I juts happened to have an empty seat. And the
rest is history.
Maggie: And is this where you proposed?
Wally: Nah. That was in Urma's cabin, on the balcony.
Grandma: Under a full moon.
Ben: Did I miss lunch?
Maggie: Yes Ben. Ben! You are all wet.
Ben: Tell me about it.
Jason: Well go change into some dry clothes.
Ben: That’s alright. I think I’ll just try swimming in my trunks for a change.
Wally: Neither of you's ever been on a cruise before?
Carol: Grandma, mum, the bachelorette party's in less than an hour and you don’t want to be
late. That’s all I’m saying.
Grandma: Oh carol's such a good girl.
Maggie: I wonder what she's got planned.
Grandma: Oh I wonder.
Jason: Ah mum..
Grandma: Yes dear.
Jason: I have a little something for you.
Grandma: A wedding gift?
Jason: It’s not a gift so much, but yes it is for the wedding.
Jason: We'll be right with you. Can you give us just one minute?
Grandma: Well Jason, what is it?
Jason: Well mum, you know, uh, marriage is a wonderful beautiful thing. And the opposite of
marriage, divorce, that’s a horrible ugly thing mum. And god forbid it should ever happen to
you and Wally after you get married, but, uh, well just, I would like you to have the piece of
mind that something like this would provide.
Grandma: What’s this?
Jason: Just a little something I had my lawyer whip up. It’s really very simple.
Grandma: Standard pre-nuptial agreement.
Jason: Yep yep yep. It’s uh, I think as soon as you get over your initial reaction, mum you are
going to see the wisdom.....uh...
Wally: What’s the matter?
Grandma: Wally, I think I need some air.
Wally: What went on? What did he say?
Jason: So uh, see you two kids at rehearsal. What? Wasn’t I polite all through lunch?
Mike: So, what do you say, you and me both have our own private little lifeboat girl tonight?
Julie: Mike I can’t. They all invited me to the bachelorette party. I have to go.
Julie: Cos I’m a bachelorette. Who's totally free after seven o clock.
Mike: Oh what a coinky dink. I'm a bachelor who's totally free after seven o clock.
Man: Oh, it’s always nice to see a young married couple with a baby.
Mike: Oh, we're not married. Hey, mind if I drive? Hey, hold on Chrissy.
Julie: I feel very close to you right now Mike.
Mike: Hey we are.
Julie: I'm serious. I'm falling in love with you.
Mike: Well come on in. The water's fine.
Lady: Oh, a nice young married couple.
Julie: We're...thank you. It’s easier.
Ben: Mike, where are you?
Julie: I'll meet you right back here at seven.
Mike: Seven o clock. Ok, don’t be late.
Ben: Mike! Where are you?
Mike: I/m right here.
Ben: Mike, this is so cool. Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. Mike, Mike, Mike, you will not
believe this. Today is our lucky day.
Mike: What? What is it?
Ben: Mike, there are twenty of the hottest babes in the world on this boat.
Ben: We are talking Swedish, blonde, gymnast.
Mike: Hey Ben, look, there is much more to a woman than the way she looks. I mean you've
got to take into account all kinds of things like, a personality and her intelligence, and uh, and
her uh, uh, uh. So what was I saying?
Ben: What was who saying?
Maggie: Jason, I have an idea. Why don’t you just stink bomb you're mother’s bachelorette
Jason: Come on Maggie! Pre-nuptial agreements are hardly un heard of.
Maggie: Well I wouldn’t exactly call it a romantic gift.
Jason: Well sometimes romance doesn’t last for ever.
Maggie: Jason, don’t give me straight lines like that.
Jason: Can you blame me a man for trying to look out for his mother’s best interest?
Maggie: Yes, I can. Chrissy if you are ever going to have gas, now is the time.
Grandma: You would think Jason would know better.
Maggie: What was he thinking?
Grandma: What a boob.
Maggie: Urma, that boob is my husband.
Carol: Your bachelorette party is almost ready. Just give me ten seconds.
Grandma: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Carol: What's with grandma?
Maggie: Oh your dad did something stupid.
Carol: What was he thinking?
Maggie: What a boob.
Carol: Mum, that boob is my father.
Maggie: Sorry. You know Urma, no matter what Jason does, no matter how silly or twisted or
border line nut bar, he does it out of love for you.
Grandma: You're right Maggie.
Maggie: And you can’t let him spoil this week for you.
Maggie: Come on.
Carol: Welcome aboard. We've been expecting you.
Maggie and Urma: Oh kids!
Carol: Urma Seaver, kiss your single days goodbye. Have a punch, have a cracker and have a
ball, as you watch the amazing Lorenzo!
Song and Lorenzo strips: Get your motor running. Heading on the high way.
Maggie: Uh, uh, uh, uh. I cant. Carol, what is this?
Carol: Its ok mum. He's a professional.
Maggie: Where did you find him?
Carol: Well he's the dealer at the casino.
Maggie: I thought you had to be twenty one to get into the casino.
Carol: I didn’t meet him at the casino. I met him at the sauna.
Maggie: Carol, this is your fathers’ mother here. This is not appropriate entertainment.
Grandma: That’s right. We'll tell him to leave as soon as he's finished.
(Swedish ladies screaming in pool)
Mike: Twenty Swedish girls, and I can’t do a thing about it.
Ben: Hey Mike. What you doing up there? Come on in. The waters warm. And not just the
Mike: Hey, no thanks Bennie. I'd rather stay up here and watch. (Under his breath) From a
safe distance. Carry on.
Mike in his mind: Oh, no, no, no. Oh. Ooh.
Mike: Why now?
Ben: Hey mike, give it here.
Swedish girls: (screaming)
Ben: Mike come on. One more person is needed.
Mike: No listen. I've got to meet someone at seven o clock.
Swedish girls: Please. Please. Please.
Mike: Well, hey. If it will improve international relations and ease world tensions, what’s five
minutes? (Jumps in water) That’s three aside for chunky wunky.
(Julie waiting for Mike)
Doreen: I understand "your ships Elvis impersonator" is part of the wedding?
Grandma: I know it seems odd, but he was part of the magical night when we met. And we
just couldn’t tie the knot without the prince.
Wally: The King.
Doreen: Now then, pay attention! This is the aisle, and these are the chairs, and this is a very
Jason: No, I’m not unhappy. I was just thinking of a way I might apologize. I got everybody so
upset with that whole prenuptial thing, and please just forget I ever brought it up. Ok?
Maggie: Oh Jason, that’s so nice.
Grandma: Thank you Jason.
Doreen: Isn’t he a sweet heart.
Carol: It’s going to be Grandpa Wally after tomorrow.
Jason: Grandpa Wally! Now the last thing I want to do is upset anybody. Really. I just wanted
to make sure nobody has any lingering suspicions that Wally might be some kind of gold
digger on a pension dragging in an emotionally vulnerable woman. Nough said. Let’s have
Maggie: Lingering suspicions!
Wally: Gold digger on a pension!
Grandma: An emotionally vulnerable woman!
Carol: Nough said!
Jason: Well ok, maybe I should apologize for my apology now.
Maggie: No, no don’t say anything.
Wally: Now just a minute here..
Grandma: Wally, Wally. Forget it. Please, for me. Thank you.
Doreen: Isn’t he a sweet heart?
(Julie still waiting)
(Mike and Ben getting massages from the Swedish girls)
Mike: Lower, lower. Ah! You know Ben, I just realized that this is the first time in my life I’ve
been touched by eight female hands at the same time.
Ben: Second for me.
Mike: Yeah right. When did four girls put sun tan lotion on you at night? Well hello...
Mike: Julie, that’s funny I...Julie! Julie look, its not what it looks like. Alright, ha ha. Hey
Bennie, Bennie. Look who it is. It’s Julie.
Swedish Girls: Hi Julie.
Julie: What is it then?
Mike: well uh, I was just helping some foreigners with their first difficult days in America.
Julie: We're in international waters.
Mike: Yeah. Well if I found that out an hour ago, I wouldn’t have been here.
Julie: You expect me to believe that you didn’t stand me up to get greased down by a million
Swedish girl: Mikey, you do me now ya?
Julie: I trusted you.
Mike: Uh listen. You'll have to start without me alright.
Julie: Well maybe I should too.
Mike: Would you keep it down.
Julie: Keep it down.
Mike: Yes come on. Ben is right over there. You know. Our relationship.
Julie: What relationship.
Mike: Hey Julie. Julie!
Doreen: And then "your ships captain" will stand here and say: "If anyone among us knows
why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your
Jason: Ha ha ha.I was thinking of something else totally. Please.
Wally: Look pal. I've had just about enough of your hooee.
Wally: Well Urma, I can’t take this.
Grandma: look. No matter what Jason says or does, he's doing it out of love.
Wally: This isn’t about your son the boob. This is about you and me and our life together. Now
its time we forgot your goofy family.
Grandma: Well at least my goofy family had the courtesy to show up.
Wally: Oh and that’s a good thing?
Grandma: Don’t you talk to me in that tone.
Jason: Can we just table this conversation and get on with the rehearsal?
Wally: Shut up!
Grandma: Don’t you tell my son to shut up.
Maggie: Uh uh, Urma, Wally, why don’t you just calm down. We are losing sight of hwy we are
here. Doreen, why don’t you just..
Doreen: And then "your ships captain" will ask you two to step forward and take each other
Grandma: For life!
Wally: Well you make it sound like an alternative to the death penalty.
Grandma: Well maybe you would like a pardon.
Wally: Well maybe I would like a helicopter.
Grandma: Well don’t wait for the helicopter. Swim for it!
Jason: This is exactly the kind of unforeseen situation prenuptial agreements are designed to
protect you against.
Doreen: Attention happy passengers. I hope you all enjoyed the first day of your dream cruise.
Maybe you found a special person and you are with them right now. Or maybe you planned
ahead and brought that special person with you. Either way, I can just feel it. Romance is in
the air tonight. And remember everybody, there are six more wonderful days where this came