Jason: Oh sa-weet heart. You know, i was just thinking, with Carol working late and Chrissy
asleep, Bens out doing god knows what, you and I have this whole house to ourselves.
Maggie: Jason, its not even dark out.
Jason: I know.
Maggie: Honey, can’t it wait? This is my favorite re run of Cagney and Lacey
TV: Spread em clown!
Jason: Never mind.
Ben: What did you hit me for?
Maggie: Sounds like your son is in trouble again.
Jason: Lets get him in here and watch Cagney and Lacey.
Jason: What the heck is going on out here?
Maggie: And why is there sand all over the driveway? And its forty degrees out. What are you girls doing in bathing suits?
Girl: because we were stupid enough to believe that Ben was a serious filmmaker, like Sylvester Stallone.
Maggie: Ben, what do you have to say for yourself?
Girl: Let’s go ladies.
Jason: Talk now.
Ben: well, see, I was just finishing my movie for English class, when Laura-Lynn got the crazy idea that I was just doing the movie so I could um,..
Girl: So you could grope me.
Ben: If you are going to leave. Leave. Women can be so nuts.
Maggie: Wrong parent Ben.
Ben: Women can be so nuts.
Jason: Wrong drive way Ben.
Maggie: Ben, I thought you were going to do a documentary about me. A working mother trying to balance career and home.
Ben: Face it mum. No one's interested in that.
Maggie: So you passed up something worthwhile like that to do girls in bathing suits. Hu, Jason can you believe this?
Jason: Your mothers got a point Ben. There's nothing wrong with doing a boring movie.
Jason: well Ben, we better see this little movie right now.
Ben: There's a lot of stuff on that tape I haven’t edited out yet.
Maggie: Yeah, I bet there is.
Carol: What are you guys watching?
Maggie: Ben’s movie for English class.
Carol: What, Ben, you said you'd tell me when it was done so I could see how I’d come out.
Maggie: So you knew. You knew he wasn’t making the documentary about me too?
Carol: Well I was there when dad talked him out of it.
Maggie: Jason, we are about to start the tape.
Jason: Ben, its rated R. Come on. You admit it’s dirty.
Ben: No I don’t. Its just no kid wants to watch a movie anymore if its not rated R.
Mike: Ah Ben, your movie is rated R? I'm watching it.
(Ben’s movie) Florida. The Summer of 1978.
Mike: Well Maggie, speaking as your husband Jason, it sure has been a great Florida vacation. Considering its 1978 and we are a typical American family.
Carol: And me being a working mum trying to balance a career and a home.
(Back to the real world)
Maggie: Is that supposed to be us?
Jason: Seems like it just would have been simpler to just write your movie parents like your real parents.
Ben: They're kidding right?
Mike: Either you get it or you don’t.
Mike: Yup yup yup yup yup.
Carol: Jason, everything is so perfect. The sunshine, the good times, the oranges. What could possibly go wrong/
Mike: Hey Maggie look! Baby alligators for fifty cents each. Alligator, little uh, uh, what's his name?
Carol: Jason, that is our son you are talking about.
Mike: Give me a little bit more of a hint than that.
Ben: Hey, stop all the hammering! We're trying to make a movie here.
(Ten minutes later)
Carol: Ah, the baby alligator is so cute.
Mike: Yeah, and the best part Maggie, is that I got a ten percent discount. They only have one eye.
Carol: What? We forgot baby timothy at the alligator farm.
Mike: Baby who?
Carol: Our son Jason.
(Ben Seaver Presents: The Horror, A Film by Ben Seaver. Starring Ben Seaver. Produced by Ben Seaver. Directed by Ben Seaver, Screenplay by Ben Seaver. Based on an original concept by Ben Seaver. Original music by some other dude, chosen by Ben Seaver. Shot entirely at Seaver Studios by Ben Seaver. In association with Ben Seaver Productions) Carol: Ben, some of us have parts too.
Ben: Keep your shirt on.
Mike: Yes please.
(With, Chrissy Seaver, Carol Seaver, Veto and Stinky Sullivan, Mike Seaver)
Ben: Happy now?
(Twelve years since Florida)
Mike: well honey, being your husband Jason, it sure is a beautiful day for nineteen ninety, being a typical American family.
Carol: Jason honey, wasn’t it...
Mike: A beautiful day for nineteen ninety, considering we are a typical American family.
Carol: Jason, I thought you were going to make breakfast today. I mean after all, I am a working mother trying to balance a career and home.
Ben: I need one of you guys to sign my report card.
Mike: well shouldn’t it be one of your parents?
Ben: You guys are my parents.
Mike: Oh right,uh, uh...
Mike: Yes Jim. Jim, my haven’t you grown since the last twelve years when we bought that alligator and flushed him down the toilet and haven’t thought of since.
Carol: Don’t you think we should check his report card before we sign it?
Mike: Why? Little Tim has turned out just fine.
Ben: Jim! Jim!
Mike: We named you, we can change it. Well son, to show you that I have no hard feelings about these selfish outbursts, I’m going to reward you for all these fine C's. Here's a, here's a couple for, uh, for six cents off tidy flesh, which you can use to clean the toilet bowl where we flushed the alligator twelve years ago and haven’t thought of since.
Girl: Start right here? No.
Ben: What are you doing? If you just shut up, we'll shoot this thing.
Ben: Sorry I’m late Miss Birkin. Here’s my report card. Report card. Mike (playing teacher): You, boy. Do you go here?
Ben: I'm Jim Jenkins.
Mike: Jim. Well how long have you been in my class?
Ben: Eight years.
Mike: Eight years! How come I’ve never seen you before?
Ben: You have seen me. Every day when we have this conversation.
Mike: Oh, well then stop being so lamb.
Ben: Yes mam. Well this is getting old. My parents don’t know me, my teacher doesn’t know
Stinky: You can’t sit there. My best friend Jim Jenkins usually sits there.
Ben: I am Jim Jenkins.
Stinky: Sorry Jim, you're just so darn forgettable.
Ben: Well I don’t forget who you are, skunky.
Stinky: That’s because I smell.
Ben: Oh, oh, here comes Bambie. The hottest most beautiful girl in school. She's got the body of a five foot eight inch beauty on a four foot eight inch frame.
Bambi: You're not going to use that are you?
Ben: Not only is she beautiful, she's smart. She's today’s woman with the right combination of savvy, style and sophistication. And the giddiness that makes me dizzy.
Bambi: Who are you?
Ben: I'm Jim Jenkins. I've been going to school with you for eight years. I knew you before you had breasts.
Stinky: I've always had breasts.
Ben: Shut up Stinky. That’s her line.
Bambi: I'm not going to say that Ben.
(In real life)
Ben: A breast is a part of a chicken. The most popular part I believe.
Mike: Bennie, you're not helping yourself here.
Bambi: I have a wardrobe question. Why am I wearing a bathing suit in class?
Ben: Because you are going to the beach after.
Bambi: But would my character know that yet?
Ben: Laura, Laura, Laura. See, this girl Bambie isnt like you at all. See, she's just a dumb
Bambi: But you said she was a savvy, stylish, sophisticated woman.
Ben: I didn’t say that. Jim said that. See he was just lying. He'd do anything just to get a chance to grope her.
Bambie: That sleaze!
Ben: Hey, he disgusts me too, but I’ll do my best to play him.
Ben: Ok, action. Great, when is mike going to get this stinking thing fixed? Let’s just erase it and start over.
Stinky: Don’t erase it. We'll send it to Americas funniest home vide....And everyone forgetting my name. I hate school. I think I’m going to drop out.
Stinky: don’t be a fool. Stay in school. Drop outs just take their future and drop it down the toilet. Much like that one eyed alligator.
Ben: Oh, oh great!
Stinky: Don’t be a fool. Stay in school. Drop outs just take their future and drop, drop it...Don’t be a fool. Stay in school. Drop outs just take their future and flush it down the toilet.
Much like that one eyed alligator your parents bought for you twelve years ago and never thought of since.
Ben: Thanks stinky. I'm glad we had this little talk. I'm going to stay in school.
Stinky: Speaking of dizzy, do you want to talk about blondes first, or red heads?
Ben: I don’t care who we think about. I just got to get my mind of the beautiful Bambie. Just stick to the script.
Stinky: I'm sure some day Jim, you'll do something to make her notice you. Something big.
Something great. Til then, you can dream. I have to go to the can. Ahhh! Urgh!!!
Ben: At least open the window crack in there dude. Skunky! Skunky, are you ok in there?
Skunky! Skunky!!!!! Skunky, what happened? You're just a head.
Stinky: An alligator came out of the toilet and ate me.
Ben: Why didn’t you run?
Stinky: I didn’t see him coming. I don’t have eyes in the back of my head. Come to think of it. I don’t have anything in the back of my head. Jim, I only have time to give you this one warning. All the alligators that were flushed down the toilets, by American parents who haven’t thought of them since, have come home to roost!
Mike: Well, as you're husband Maggie, I’m sure glad that we have a typical American family. With two cars, a beautiful home and a child of some sorts. And a big green dog.
Ben: Mum, dad! Skunky Mulligan just got eaten by an alligator that climbed out of our toilet. Run for your lives!
Mike: Well if you are..I'm sorry young man. Our son isn’t here to play with you.
Ben: I am. Skunky Mulligan just got eaten by a gator that came out of our toilet.
Mike: I'm sorry young man, but our son isn’t here to play with you.
Ben: I am your son. Jim.
Mike: Well if you are our son, you would know my name isn’t Jim. It’s Jason.
Carol: This is our son Jason.
Mike: We don’t have a son Jason. That’s my name.
Ben: While you two are trying to figure out who you are, an alligator could come through the living room.
Mike: well if it did, our big green dog would get him.
Ben: my parents wouldn’t believe me and no one else knows who I am. Who can I tell about this? Operator. Give me the number for nine one one. Oh yeah.
Mike: (as President Bush) This is President Bush.
Ben: That’s what you get when you dial nine one one?
Mike: well I got tired of giving out the time. By the time, its one fifteen and thirty seconds.
Ben: Look, Mr. President. A grave danger threatens the whole planet. There are alligators everywhere.
Mike: Hu. This is Vice President Quail again, isn’t it?
Ben: No, this is Jim Jenkins and I’m serious. Ok? Look, I,
Mike: (prompting him) You got to help, call the army)
Ben: You got to help. Call the army . The navy. Even the air force.
Mike: Now as your President, let me assure you that you have nothing to worry about.
Ben: Hello, hello. Is there anybody who can hear my voice?
Girls: jump, jump, jump!
Ben: Look, I’m not jumping you fools. I just climbed up hear to tell you the gators are heading this way.
Ben: Oh, the horror.
Maggie: Jason, we have to go to the bathroom.
Jason: I don’t.
Maggie: Yes you do.
Mike: Well look before you sit.
Ben: Man, for people who want to see my movie, they are sure taking a long time in the bathroom.
Mike: Bennie, they are not in the bathroom.
Ben: But they said they had to..
Mike: Trust me. It’s an old parent’s trick. They are talking about you.
Ben: You think?
Carol: They have a lot to talk about Ben. You are one sick little puppy.
Jason: Ok Maggie. You were right about Ben. His hornballosity has got out of hand.
Maggie: You are wrong Jason.
Jason: I agreed with you. How can I be wrong?
Maggie: I was wrong.
Jason: Then I’m not wrong?
Maggie: Of course you are. Haven’t you been listening? Jason, would Ben spend all this time money and effort with a caste of thousands just to make out with Laura-Lynn?
Jason: ha ha ha. I would. Not Laura-Lynn. No if I were a young boy and you were a young girl. Not that you aren’t a young girl Maggie.
Maggie: Jason, think about it. A kid nobody listens to. People, his parents ignoring him. So he's got to save the world on his own. Honey, this movie is a cry for help.
Jason: It’s a cry for something.
Ben: I stood on that ledge for an hour, thinking if I couldn’t save the world, at least I could
populate a new one with Bambi. Luckily I had a plane.
Pilot: Well, the engine looks ok. Now I’ll just get into the cockpit and...
Carol: Dad, you're ruining...
Ben: Ok, let’s see what this baby can do. Where could she be? Where could she be? Hey, they she is. Looking as fine as ever. Five foot eight inch beauty on a four foot eight inch frame.
Mike: That looks more like a four inch frame to me.
Ben: and there they are. I could look for a safe place to land, then I’d be too late. I can risk everything and save Bambi. Boy that was a close call. Hope I’m not late. Hey, everybody run
for your lives.
Bambi: Who are you?
Ben: I'm Jim Jenkins. I have been going to school with you before you had breasts.
Bambi: Oh yeah. You are the lamb boy whose parents flushed the alligator down the toilet and
haven’t thought of it since.
Ben: Yeah, well they are back and they are bad.
Ben: Hey, there is no time to run now, but I can handle this. I'll protect you.
Bambie: If you save my life, I’ll show you my appreciation. I didn’t know he could fight like that. He's such a man. I feel like such a fool for ignoring him all these years, like his parents do. Wow, you put him to sleep just by rubbing his belly? Belly.
Ben: Yeah Bambie. You feel like catching a little shut eye too?
Bambi: Watch out! Aghhhhh!
Mike (Playing Alligator): Jim.
Ben: You know my name? Nobody on earth knows who I am, but you know my name?
Mike: I was your gator Jim. Remember me. Flush ahhhhh!
Ben: Yeah. Where did you learn to talk?
Mike: You’d be surprised how much you pick up in the sewers Jim.
Ben: What are you, what are you doing killing people?
Mike: We never meant to kill anyone. We just want what everyone wants. Enough to eat. A decent neighborhood to raise our kids in.
Mike: And I want this guy here to get an A on this film project.
Ben: Well, why don’t you just swim for the open water, where the ocean is clean and there are plenty of fish?
Mike: What a great idea.
Ben: And as for me getting an A, its all in Mr. Bloomberg’s hands.
Mike: Well, he's a great guy and he won’t let me down. Com eon guys!
Bambi: Jim, you are my hero. How can I ever thank you? (He kisses her) (She slaps him)
Jason: Well your mothers got a point Ben. There’s nothing wrong with doing a boring movie.
Jason: That’s enough Ben. I think this is where we came in.
Ben: hey, it’s a well known fact that cameras can lie.
Jason: Yeah, so can thirteen year old boys. We are going to have a little talk about respecting women Ben.
Maggie: Jason, please. Ben. I know what you were trying to do.
Ben: You do?
Maggie: Yes. You were feeling ignored and insignificant.
Ben: I was?
Maggie: And why shouldn’t you? You're not the oldest and you are youngest and you are certainly not the smartest.
Ben: Mum, you are depressing me.
Maggie: I'm just saying honey, that I know you made this movie to be noticed.
Ben: I did?
Maggie: Well it’s either that or you are one sick little puppy.
Jason: That's how I vote.
Jason: Ben, I think you made this movie just so that you could kiss your girlfriend.
Ben: Ok, you got me.
Maggie: What? So this wasn’t a cry for help?
Ben: In a way.
Maggie: Oh I don’t understand males.
Jason: You're not going to learn anything by watching Cagney and Lacey.
Ben: I don’t understand women.
Jason: Cagney and Lacey can’t help you there either.
Maggie: Jason, you're not saying that you are actually proud of your son’s behavior?
Jason: No I’m not Maggie. I want Ben to learn to respect women, as human beings, not a sex objects. Cutie. Joke, joke.
Ben: Can I at least finish my movie?
Maggie: There's another scene?
Ben: Yeah. It’s the big scene. The big finish, and I was going to ask you and dad to be in it.
Jason: Yeah Ben. And I’m the president of the United States.
Jason (Playing President Bush): Here's your medal of honor Jim. For bravery above and beyond the call of duty.
Ben: Thank you very much Mr. President.
Maggie (Playing Barbara Bush): May I say something young man?
Ben: You see Mrs. Bush, you don’t actually have any lines here.
Maggie: But you see any time an upstanding American boy tries to kiss a girl under false pretenses, its wrong. Got it?
Ben: Yes mum.
Maggie: And you'll find that young American women are much too clever to fall for such silly ploys.
Laura-Lynn: Ben, you are shooting a scene without me?
Ben: What are you doing here?
Laura-Lynn: Excuse me Mr. and Mrs. President. I've been thinking about what happened today and I was so wrong. Your movie was kind of a video love letter to me. The savvy stylish sophisticated woman whose giddiness makes you dizzy. You didn’t want to grope me at all.
Ben: Finally we understand each other.
Laura-Lynn: I'm ready to go back to work now.
Ben: So what are we wasting our time on this dead beat scene for? Let’s go back to the beach.
Maggie: Ben, what about your movie?
Ben: Its over.
Jason: Well Barbara, it looks like you and me have the whole house all to ourselves.
Maggie: Oh George.
Ben: Could you kiss again? I missed it.