(中英)现代散文:初恋 First Love

First Love

初　恋

◎ Zhou Zuoren

◎　周作人

I was then 14, and she about 13. I was living with grandpa's concubine Song in our temporary home in Hua-Pai-Lou, Hangzhou. The little girl was our next-door neighbour Yao's daughter. She had originally been the daughter of a Yang family in Qing-Bo-Men-Tou. As she was the third child of the family, people often called her San-Gu-Niang⑩. The old Yaos had no children of their own, so they took her as their goddaughter. Hence she put up with the Yaos for more than 20 days per month. Though Concubine Song was very friendly with the daughter-in-law of a distant neighbour named Shi, who owned a mutton shop, she was not on speaking terms with old Mrs. Yao next-door. San-Gu-Niang, however, didn't care about all that. She would push our door open and enter to have fun. She would first go upstairs to have a little chat with Concubine Song, and then, after coming downstairs, stand beside the wooden table, which I used to share with our servant Ruan Sheng, to watch me practising handwriting after a wood-cut copybook for calligraphy by Lu Runxiang⑪, carrying in her arms a big cat named San Hua.

那时我十四岁，她大约是十三岁吧。我跟着祖父的妾宋姨太太寄寓在杭州的花牌楼①，间壁住着一家姚姓，她便是那家的女儿，她本姓杨，住在清波门头，大约因为行三②，人家很称她作三姑娘。姚家老夫妇没有子女，便认她做干女儿，一个月里有二十多天住在他们家里，宋姨太太和远邻的羊肉店石家的媳妇虽然很说得来，与姚宅的老妇却感情很坏，彼此都不交口，但是三姑娘并不管这些事，仍旧推进门来游嬉。她大抵先到楼上去，同宋姨太太搭讪一回，随后走下楼来，站在我同仆人阮升公用的一张板桌旁边，抱着名叫“三花”的一只大猫，看我映写陆润庠的木刻的字帖③。

I didn't get into any conversation with her, and nor did I ever dwell my eyes on her face and bearing — perhaps due to my myopia. But there was another reason for it. Though unconsciously attracted by her, I felt meanwhile so overshadowed by her brilliance that I just could't lift my eyes to take a close look at her. As far as I can now remember, she seemed to be a little girl with delicate features, black eyes, slender figure and small feet, and have nothing especially appealing. But she was the first person of the opposite sex that had caught my notice. The first person that had made me love somebody else as much as myself. The first person that had made me sexually aware. The first person that had aroused my adoration for the opposite sex.

我不曾和她谈过一句话，也不曾仔细的看过她的面貌与姿态④。大约我在那时已经很是近视，但是还有一层缘故，虽然非意识的对于她很是感到亲近，一面却似乎为她的光辉所掩，抬不起眼来去端详她了。在此刻回想起来，仿佛是一个尖面庞⑤，乌眼睛，瘦小身材，而且有尖小的脚的少女，并没有什么殊胜的地方，但在我的性的生活里总是第一个人⑥，使我于自己以外感到对于别人的爱着，引起我没有明了的性之概念的，对于异性的恋慕的第一个人了。

Of course I knew then I was nothing but an "Ugly Duckling", but that didn't damp down my passion. Whenever she came to watch me practise calligraphy with the cat in her arms, I would hearten up unwittingly and go about my job with redoubled effort and inexplicable joy in my heart. I didn't bother whether she loved me or not, and nor did I know whether I myself was in love with her or not. Nevertheless, when she was around, I felt happy and desired to do all I could for her. That was my real state of mind, and that was also something bestowed on me by her. I didn't know how she felt, but as for me, it was just a feeling of adoration, and there was no thought of anything having to do with sexual relations at all. One evening, Concubine Song suddenly burst into another fit of abuse at the Yaos and ended it up with,

我在那时候当然是“丑小鸭”，自己也是知道的，但是终不以此而减灭我的热情。每逢她抱着猫来看我写字，我便不自觉的振作起来，用了平常所无的努力去映写，感着一种无所希求的迷蒙的喜乐。并不问她是否爱我，或者也还不知道自己是爱着她，总之对于她的存在感到亲近喜悦，并且愿为她有所尽力，这是当时实在的心情，也是她所给我的赐物了。在她是怎样不能知道，自己的情绪大约只是淡淡的一种恋慕，始终没有想到男女关系的问题。有一天晚上，宋姨太太忽然又发表对于姚姓的憎恨⑦，末了说道：

That Goddam Ah San⑫! She's no good either. She's sure to end up a whore some day in Gong-Chen-Qiao.⑬

“阿三那小东西⑧，也不是好货，将来总要流落到拱辰桥去做婊子的。”

I didn't quite understand what was meant by becoming a whore. However, I said to myself, "If she should really be reduced to a whore, I'll definitely come to her rescue."

我不很明白做婊子这些是什么事情，但当时听了心里想道：“她如果真是流落做了，我必定去救她出来。”

More than six months went by. In July or August of that year, I left Hangzhou for home to see my ailing mother. One month later, Servant Ruan Sheng incidentally paid me a visit while he was on leave. In referring to the state of affairs in Hua-Pai-Lou, he said,

大半年的光阴这样的消费过了。到了七八月里因为母亲生病，我便离开杭州回家去了。一个月以后，阮升告假回去，顺便到我家里，说起花牌楼的事情，说道：

San-Gu-Niang of the Yang family died of cholera.

“杨家的三姑娘患霍乱死了。”

I, too, felt very sad, picturing in my mind her tragic death, but, meanwhile, somehow remained very calm like a big stone weighing on my heart had been removed.

我那时也很觉得不快，想象她的悲惨的死相，但同时却又似乎很是安静，仿佛心里有一块大石头已经放下了⑨。

周作人（1885—1968），号知堂，原籍浙江绍兴，是现代散文家。《初恋》是他的早期小品，写于1922年9月。作者当时的小品散文大多情怀平淡、闲适，取材琐碎，文字质朴，独成一派。《初恋》是反映这种情调与风格的代表作之一。