考研英语作文考场范文批改及点评(4)

The picture describes a prevailing phenomenon that the copycating(改为copycatting products) is(改为are) become more and more populat(拼写错误，改为popular).In picture the man painting(句子缺谓语，改为is painting) the vase which(此处用定语从句不合适，建议改为and) his mind is fulled(改为full，be full of为固定短语) of money, (逗号改为句号，然后加There are)large of fake products behind with(去掉with，behind本身为介词，后面不用再加其他介词)him .That may created(改为creat，may为情态动词，情态动词后面跟动词原形) a cultural(改为the culture,cultural为形容词，此处应该为名词，再者，culture为不可数名词，不能用a修饰)so called(改为which is so called) "copycating(拼写错误，改为copycatting)culture" (注意句末加句号)Slow growing(改为Slow-growing) fish are outlive than fast growing one(改为fast-growing ones).Make money we should choice(choice为名词，此处需要动词，改为choose) a batter(去掉a，将batter改为better) ways (汉语式英语，整句话可改为If we want to make money, we should choose a better way).In our social(改为名词形式society) we live(去掉) ,people always saw(改为see,always常与现在时态连用) the money as their primary reason for being .No mater(改为Whether you are a) businessman or producter(改为a producer) they make money be anxious to achieve quick success and get instant benefits(汉语式英语，改为you will be anxious when you achieve quick success or get instant benefits),(注意断句)they make money by a wrong means like copy the well goods what sell well(汉语式英语，无逻辑，改为They want to make money by wrong means, for example, they copy the goods which sell well),what more ,producters(拼写错误，改为producers)producting(注意词性的正确选择，改为produce) goodsin low capture(改为with a low cost) or added(改为add) poisonous(加things，poisonous为形容词，用来修饰名词) in food,how terrible it is ,(注意断句)that way to product food harmful with people(表达有误，改为and it is harmful for people) .Obviously the events of sanlu(汉语拼音首字母要大写，用斜体，改为Sanlu) milk poweder(改为which contains vc poweder) it(去掉) can be said babys' disaste(改为disaster),many knock-off(意思用于此处不正确，改为producers) didn't(文章时态整体保持一致，改为don’t) conform with official safety standards .Recently,the event about copycating(拼写错误，改为copycatting) iphone charger result in user die rise people care about copycating again(汉语式英语，改为which result in the death of users makes people care about copycatting products again.)above(首字母大写) all of accident caused by fake product i (改为I) think that many reason(改为reasons，many修饰可数名词复数) result it but the most important have three(注意正确使用积累的经典句型，改为can explain the phenomenon, and I would explorethree of the most ones here). The(序数词作为“首先，其次，……”解释时，前面不加定冠词) first ,was(句子无主语，改为it is) the low moral consciousness of business and producter (汉语式英语，改为that businessmen and producers have low moral consciousness),(加连词and,两个句子之间应该用连词连接)they want noting except(改为but，nothing but为固定用法) money that careless(可改为needless to say) consumers .the(去掉the)second ,from consumers(改为consumers’) options,they choice(改为动词形式choose) the low price something(改为things) compare with high price(可改为they would like choose the low price things rather than choose high price things) ,and the most of copycating(拼写错误，改为copycatting, 后加products) attract consumers by low price .the (去掉the) last as supervision department(加逗号，然后加主语they) didn't enhance supervise.In my opinion there are some ways that defending (改为to defend)the phenomenon of copycating (拼写错误，改为copycatting),primary (改为Primarily,) is(去掉) as consumers we are dong (改为should not)buy the copycating(拼写错误，改为copycatting),the (去掉the)second ,surpervision(拼写错误，改为supervision) department take serious methods attack(改为to against) copycating(拼写错误，改为copycatting,再加products) producters(删掉) good people do noting that like help bed tings so we all should join in the campaign that defend copycating(拼写错误，改为copycatting) (整句话改为：and we should make joint efforts to boycott copycatting products)

编辑点评

文章整体是以汉语式英语完成的，建议作者从最简单的做起，先积累一些词汇，句子;并学习简单的语法知识，要写好文章，首先要能写出好句子，而好句子则是建立在正确的句子基础之上。一定要搞清楚句子的成分，简单句一般是由主语+谓语+宾语或主语+系动词+表语构成;在弄清楚简单句的基础之上，再学习复杂的从句，一步一个脚印，踏踏实实提高自己的写作成绩。你可以在积累、学习一段时间之后，写一些句子，然后再练习写文章。

参考分数：9分(满分20分)