考研英语作文考场范文批改及点评(10)

From the picture we can see a young father died on the patient bed for the sake of(建议改为because of，for the sake of一般用来表示“为了”，后常接目的状语) overwork and his wife is crying and mourning for him with extreme sadness,so it is with their child(改为so does their child).What a shocked scene and how thought provoking the phenomenon that the picture insinuates.What the picture intends to convey is the significance of the awareness of health.With the development of society,people commence to live in(改为live，live in表示“居住，住在”，后常跟地点状语) a life of a rapid rate(改为a fast-paced life).They almost have no time to do some entertainments other than work.In(去掉)hence,they don’t have enough time to get enough rest.(语义和前一句重复，可删除)Moreover,because of the life burden(改为burden of life),some husbands need to work hard to sustain their families.Some husbands even have more than one job and they are overwhelmed by the strains.Last but not least,some people don’t place an emphasis on their health and almost ignore it in daily lives(改为life，daily life为固定搭配).What they leave to their family members is grief.From my standpoint,it is imperative that effective measures should be taken to eliminate the phenomenon.For governments,they are supposed to make some accordingly policies to relieve the workers’ pressure.For workers,they must cultivate a good awareness of health and combine exertion and rest.

编辑点评

文章写得还不错!但是应当注意词汇选择的准确性及句子的精简。以后的写作中，还是应该加强基础的语法知识，积累并模仿高分语言佳句，使自己的表达更地道更优美。

参考分数：12分(满分20分)