考研英语作文考场范文批改及点评(12)

The duck mother, who is anxious and energetic, is begging the monkey teacher to teach her children the approach of climbing tree, which give(改为gives) him a fright. Conspicuously, that is a delicious(用词不当，delicious一般用来形容美食，故应去掉)ironic(改为an ironic)depiction concerning blind education,(加and，句子之间用连词连接)a phenomenon (句子缺谓语，加is)pervasive in contemporary society.This overwhelming, occupy with various kinds of irrational behaviors over children(句子表意不清，建议改为This overwhelmingly various kind of irrational behaviors), led(改为lead，句子时态应保持一致)us to conclude that the blind education is more of a devastation to children’s faculties than a reasonable practice. This kind of aimless education kids(加are，be exposed to为固定短语) exposed to tend to be in (去掉，be exposed to后面直接跟宾语)domestic situation, by, (此处by是什么意思?)unfortunately, their own parents, who exert great pressure on children’s already over-burdened small shoulder.(改为children’s over-burdened small shoulders) More ridiculously, many parents know that countless flaws are consist in this way of education and yet most did litter(改为little，litter意为“垃圾”) to change it. There are upsetting parallels today, as parents one wave after another force their little kids (加to,force sb. To do sth.)participate in various kinds of out-class courses(“课外课程”可表达为extra-curriculum courses)(注意句子顺序，改为as parents force their little kids to participate in various kinds of extra-curriculum courses one wave after another), as a result(去掉), their vulnerable heart become(改为will be) occupied with depression and anxious.The clear message is that we should get moving to protect our children. Firstly,suitable atmosphere must be created, where our kid can grow freely in harmonious, by us, especially the parents(表述不清新，建议将此部分去掉). Moreover, the authorities should charge with the obligation of fashioning the idea that education entails more than simply teach children numerous disciplines. Rather, making full display of children’s advantage and timely adjustment is(改为are) of substantial weight. Only by doing this, can we weather this crisis.

编辑点评

文章在句子组织方面，存在一些问题。作者应该注意句子的正确表达，弄清楚句子的成分，句与句之间的逻辑关系等。建议作者从句子练起，每周可花几天积累词汇、经典语句，然后自己根据积累的情况仿写句子。在做真题时，注意长难句解析，巩固基本的语法知识，达到自我提高的目的。

参考分数：10分(满分20分)