GRE写作满分范文三十二

"Our declining environment may bring the people of the world together as no politician, philosopher, or war ever could.  Environmental problems are global in scope and respect no nation's boundaries.  Therefore, people are faced with the choice of unity and cooperation on the one hand or disunity and a common tragedy on the other."  

      WORKING TOGETHER FOR EACH OTHER AND THE ENVIRONMENT  

Our Environment, if we take care of it, it will take care of us.  CFCs destroying the ozone layer, hundreds of acres of the rain forest being destroyed daily, smog-infested air to breathe, global warming, world population increasing at an exponential rate, these are but a few of the things that we need to not only think about, but find ways to deal with them.  We are not given this world by our ancestors we are borrowing it from our children and our children's children.  We spend so much time trying to fix other countries problems, when we should be incorporating them in working toward solving the environmental issues.  If we do not this huge, living planet will eventually  become a lifeless hunk of rock floating in the large universe. 

There are many ways that we can begin to work on these problems.  First  decrease the amount of CFC production and usage.  Second save the rain forests, which are being cut down to make farmland that is not properly maintained.  In a few years this farmland becomes infertile and more land is needed; thus more of the rain forest is destroyed. Educating farmers on different crops that will replentish the soil and keep it fertile.  Third develop alterative methods of  power other than fossil fuels, such as more hydro-electric,solar,and wind generated.  The increasing population is going to require more food production as well as other needs.  We need to be willing and able to manage our resources to meet these needs.  If we work together we can accomplish the things that are necessary to protect the Earth and our future on it. Comments: 

This essay presents a clear position on the issue but is limited in its development.  The author first argues that everyone needs to cooperate to solve environmental problems and then lists the ways in which "we can begin to work on these problems": lowering CFC's, saving rain forests, developing alternative energy sources, and increasing food production.  Although the proposed solutions are clearly relevant, they are not sufficiently explained, nor is the topic's claim about the challenges of international cooperation adequately addressed.  

The overall organizational plan is adequate: introduction, list of solutions ("First???? Second???? Third????"), and a conclusion.  Within the paper, however, the ideas are not always organized logically.  In the first paragraph, for example, the sentence about "our ancestors" is followed abruptly by the idea that we need to work with other nations.  The writer could improve this response by clarifying the connection between ideas and by explaining these ideas in more depth.  

Sentence-structure problems (run-on sentences, fragments, lack of parallelism) appear throughout the essay: "We are not given this world by our ancestors we are????"  At times, the sentence structure is so awkward that the reader is somewhat confused about the writer's intended meaning: for example, "incorporating them in working."