GRE写作满分范文六十

Hospital statistics regarding people who go to the emergency room after roller-skating accidents indicate the need for more protective equipment.  Within this group of people, 75 percent of those who had accidents in streets or parking lots were not wearing any protective clothing (helmets, knee pads, etc.) or any light-reflecting material (clip-on lights, glow-in-the-dark wrist pads, etc.).  Clearly, these statistics indicate that by investing in high-quality protective gear and reflective equipment, roller skaters will greatly reduce their risk of being severely injured in an accident.  

The argument presented is limited but useful.  It indicates a possible relationship between a high percentage of accidents and a lack of protective equipment.  The statistics cited compel a further investigation of the usefulness of protective gear in preventing or mitigating roller-skating related injuries.  However, the conclusion that protective gear and reflective equipment would "greatly reduce.risk of being severely injured" is premature.  Data is lacking with reference to the total population of skaters and the relative levels of experience, skill and physical coordination of that population.  It is entirely possible that further research would indicate that most serious injury is averted by the skater's ability to react quickly and skillfully in emergency situations.  

Another area of investigation necessary before conclusions can be reached is identification of the types of injuries that occur and the various causes of those injuries.  The article fails to identify the most prevalent types of roller-skating related injuries.  It also fails to correlate the absence of protective gear and reflective equipment to those injuries.  For example, if the majority of injuries are skin abrasions and closed-head injuries, then a case can be made for the usefulness of protective clothing mentioned.  Likewise, if injuries are caused by collision with vehicles (e.g. bicycles, cars) or pedestrians, then light-reflective equipment might mitigate the occurences.  However, if the primary types of injuries are soft-tissue injuries such as torn ligaments and muscles, back injuries and the like, then a greater case could be made for training and experience as preventative measures.  

Commentary  

This strong response gets right to the work of critiquing the argument, observing that it "indicates a possible relationship" but that its conclusion "is premature."  It raises three central questions that, if answered, might undermine the soundness of the argument:  

-- What are the characteristics of the total population of skaters? -- What is the usefulness of protective or reflective gear in    preventing or mitigating rollerskating-related injuries? -- What are the types of injuries sustained and their causes?  

The writer develops each of these questions by considering possible answers that would either strengthen or weaken the argument.  The paper does not analyze the argument as insightfully or develop the critique as fully as required for a 6 paper, but the clear organization, strong control of language, and substantial degree of development warrant more than a score of 4.