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雅思大作文点评:应帮助当地社区还是国际组织?

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zhaocongcong

2017年11月05日

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  ome people think we should provide help for the local communities. Others think we should give money and support to the national and international organizations. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

  The developments of local communities and national international organizations are important results caused by social improvement. Thus a heatedly discussed issue is that whether (两个连词引导一个从句,明显错误) we should help the local communities or provide money and support to the national and international organizations (这句照抄了题目里的句子) . However in my opinion they are both necessary and complementary that we should not quit neither of them.

  点评:2+1’的模式,最后一句话正面表达了作者自己的观点。但是前两句话写得并不好,要么有错误,要么照抄了题目里的句子。

  Local communities play an important role in our daily life. Meanwhile they contribute a lot to the cultrual development. A unforgetable memory is that I joined a local league whose aim is to help the senior citizens in need when I was in high school. The group I belonged to was respected to help an old lady who lived alone and in a poor health. Our regular visits made her didn't feel lonely any longer.   What's more,   our activities jnflunced other citizens living in the same community,   and they egan to help the old lady as well. A good atmosphere formed. It's not difficult to imagine how terrible our life will be without local vommunities, those who need help may receive much less cocerns, and people's sense and awareness of helping each others whould fade away.

  点评:这段有许多问题需要澄清一下:

  1 .段落中举例的问题。例证法是段落展开的常用方法,但是在雅思考试中不宜用太过冗长或描述很具体的例子,这样会显得段落太过繁琐的。以上就是明证,尽管作者企图用个具体的例子来证明自己的观点,但是效果并不好。由于,例子太长,犯了很多语言错误。

  2 .单词拼写错误过多也会降分。

  Some people hold the opinion that national and international oranizations have nothing to do with us common people ,(这里需有个逗号) which I strongly disagree with. The best example is the international children fund SOS. The organization have heop thousands of children who have no patent or home from different places. Maybe some of them is not far from us. To many degrees, national and international organizations are the advanced form of local communities, they have the similar functions and effects.

  点评:这段写的比较简洁,反而容易理解。

  In other words, local communities and national and international organizations are the two sides of a coin. We can begin with helping local communities, then, we can go on to support the national and international organizations. ( 306words )


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