雅思写作范文：传统文化在流失

题目：As the development of modern science and technologh,some aspects of traditional culture are being lost, so some people think that the traditional culture and technologh will be replaced by the modern science and technology such as computer or internet, what is your opinion?

原文：

It has been widely noted that some aspects of tradional cuture are being lost along with the development of modern science. As far as I concerned, the traditional culture and technologh will be replaced by the modern one for several reasons as follows,

My first reason is that the traditional culture is hindering the development of new science which can improve people's life. Traditional technology always combines with low efficiency. Suppose if the scientists are still using cars to go abroad and attand meetings, the cloning technique will be found many years later, and consequently, a lot of patient have died.

My second reason is based on the high fees used to protect the traditional culture. Government provide a huge amount of money to rebuild or decorate the old buildings just because they were built by our ancestors, never thinking of their uselessness for accomodation. If the money used to protect these buildings is delivered to the poor, a lot of them will solve the accomodation problem.

My third reason is that people prefer the modern science and technology with the increasingly improved education system. Twenty-first century has seen a great deal of development in the proportion of people who have taken the high education. They are more willing to use the modern science. For instance, college student always collect their thesis materials by surfing the Internet instead of borrowing books from the libraries.

All in all, although traditional culture is a heritage from the ancient, it couldn't keep pace with the development of society. The traditional culture and technology have no place in the future and will be eliminated in the end.

I want to ask what aspects I should improve if I want to get 6.5 in writing?

修改：

It is widely noted that some aspects of traditional culture

has been lost along with the development of modern science. As far as I concerned, the traditional culture and technology will be replaced in this modern erafor several reasons.

My first reason is that the traditional culture is hindering the development of new science which can improve people's life. Traditional technologies are always considered to be low efficiency. Suppose if the scientists are still using cars to go abroad and attand meetings, the cloning technique will be found many years later, and consequently, a lot of patient have died.

(this doesn’t make any sense, going abroad by car is nonsense, and it has no relationship to cloning technique, patient’s death is not necessarily as of the result from the delay of commuter.) Recommendation: revise and think of a more persuasive reasoning and logics.

My second reason is based on the high cost used to protect the traditional culture. Government provides a huge amount of money to rebuild or decorate the old buildings just because they were built by our ancestors; they seldom

considered their usefulness for accommodation. If the money used to protect these buildings was instead delivered to the poor, a lot of them will solve the accommodation problem.

My third reason is that people prefer modern science and technology with the increasingly improved education system. Twenty-first centuries has been seenhigh the proportion of people who have taken the higher education. They are more willing to use the modern science. For instance, college student always collect their thesis materials by surfing the Internet instead of borrowing books from the libraries.

All in all, although traditional culture is a heritage from the ancient, it couldn't keep pace with the development of society. The traditional culture and technology have no place in the future and will be eliminated in the end.