The next day we were playing doubles, and during a break, as we were drinking Mafalda’s lemonades, he put his free arm around me and then gently squeezed his thumb and forefingers into my shoulder in imitation of a friendly hug-massage—the whole thing very chummy-chummy. But I was so spellbound that I wrenched myself free from his touch, because a moment longer and I would have slackened like one of those tiny wooden toys whose gimp-legged body collapses as soon as the mainsprings are touched. Taken aback, he apologized and asked if he had pressed a “nerve or something”—he hadn’t meant to hurt me. He must have felt thoroughly mortified if he suspected he had either hurt me or touched me the wrong way. The last thing I wanted was to discourage him. Still, I blurted something like, “It didn’t hurt,” and would have dropped the matter there. But I sensed that if it wasn’t pain that had prompted such a reaction, what other explanation could account for my shrugging him off so brusquely in front of my friends? So I mimicked the face of someone trying very hard, but failing, to smother a grimace of pain.
 
第二天我们打双打。某次中场休息，我们正在喝玛法尔达准备的柠檬汁，他伸出一只手臂搂着我，轻轻以拇指和食指掐我的肩膀，做出好意搂着我帮我按摩的样子，整个过程非常亲密。但由于我是如此神魂颠倒不知所措，反而猛地转身甩开他，因为只要再多持续一秒，我恐怕就要像个一碰主发条身子就会垮掉的木头玩具一样瘫软了。他吓了一跳，向我道歉，问我是不是压到我的“神经或什么的”——他不是故意要弄疼我。如果他以为伤害了我或他的触碰让我不舒服，他肯定觉得窘迫至极。让他却步是我最不愿意的事，不过我还是含糊地说了句“不痛”之类的话，想就此打住。但我也意识到，如果激起这种反应的不是痛，那还有什么理由解释我在朋友面前如此粗鲁地甩开他？我只好装出拼命忍痛却徒劳无功的扭曲表情。
 
It never occurred to me that what had totally panicked me when he touched me was exactly what startles virgins on being touched for the first time by the person they desire: he stirs nerves in them they never knew existed and that produce far, far more disturbing pleasures than they are used to on their own.
 
我从来没想到他的碰触会令我如此恐慌，这与处子第一次被心上人触摸所感受到的惊骇简直如出一辙：心上人撩拨了我们体内连自己也从未意识到的敏感神经，而那产生了令人不安的巨大快感，远远超出我们原来所习惯的范畴。
 
He still seemed surprised by my reaction but gave every sign of believing in, as I of concealing, the pain around my shoulder. It was his way of letting me off the hook and of pretending he wasn’t in the least bit aware of any nuance in my reaction. Knowing, as I later came to learn, how thoroughly trenchant was his ability to sort contradictory signals, I have no doubt that he must have already suspected something. “Here, let me make it better.” He was testing me and proceeded to massage my shoulder. “Relax,” he said in front of the others. “But I am relaxing.” “You’re as stiff as this bench. Feel this,” he said to Marzia, one of the girls closest to us. “It’s all knots.” I felt her hands on my back. “Here,” he ordered, pressing her flattened palm hard against my back. “Feel it? He should relax more,” he said. “You should relax more,” she repeated.
 
他对我的反应似乎仍然感到惊讶，却作出完全信服我的模样，就像我作势隐藏肩膀的疼痛一般。他以此来帮我圆场，同时也假装丝毫未意识到我的微妙反应。后来我知道了他是多么精于捕捉和梳理这种自相矛盾的讯息，我相信当时的他必定起了疑心。“来，我换个方式。”他试探我，继续按摩我的肩膀。“放轻松，”他当着其他人的面说。“我放松了呀。”“你僵硬得跟这张板凳一样。摸摸看。”他对离我们最近的女孩玛琪雅说。“全是硬块对吧？”我感觉到玛琪雅伸出双手摸我的背。“这里。”他说道，压着玛琪雅摊平的手掌用力按我的背。“感觉到了吗？他应该再放松一点。”于是玛琪雅也跟着说：“你应该再放松一点。”

《请以你的名字呼唤我》