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双语读剧:Call me by ...(一)41:我只好不动声色,不再动作

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2018年10月17日

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I described her naked body, which I’d seen two years before. I wanted him aroused. It didn’t matter what he desired so long as he was aroused. I described him to her too, because I wanted to see if her arousal took the same turns as mine, so that I might trace mine on hers and see which of the two was the genuine article.
“Are you trying to make me like her?”
“What would the harm be in that?”
“No harm. Except I like to go it alone, if you don’t mind.”
 
我描述两年前看到过奇亚拉的裸体。我想挑逗他。他欲望的对象是谁不重要,只要他被挑动就好。我也对奇亚拉描述他,想看她欲望被挑起时,是否和我有同样的转变,好让我根据她的反应来查探我自己的,看看谁才是真材实料。
“你想让我喜欢她?”
“有什么不好?”
“没什么不好。只是我想自己来,如果你不介意的话。”
 
It took me a while to understand what I was really after. Not just to get him aroused in my presence, or to make him need me, but in urging him to speak about her behind her back, I’d turn Chiara into the object of man-to-man gossip. It would allow us to warm up to one another through her, to bridge the gap between us by admitting we were drawn to the same woman.
Perhaps I just wanted him to know I liked girls.
 
我花了好一阵子才了解我真正想要的是什么,不仅要让他在我面前起反应,或让他需要我,而是要煽动奥利弗背着她谈论她。我要把奇亚拉变成男人之间八卦的对象。通过她让我们之间热络起来,借着承认我们受同一个女人吸引,来搭起彼此间的桥梁。
或许我只是想让他知道我喜欢女生。
 
“Look, it’s very nice of you—and I appreciate it. But don’t.”
His rebuke told me he wasn’t going to play my game. It put me in my place.
No, he’s the noble sort, I thought. Not like me, insidious, sinister, and base. Which pushed my agony and shame up a few notches. Now, over and above the shame of desiring him as Chiara did, I respected and feared him and hated him for making me hate myself.
 
“听着,你是好意,我心领了。可是别这么做。”
他的指责让我明白他不打算玩我的游戏。我只好不动声色,不再动作。
我想,不,他是高贵的那类人。不像我,阴险、恶毒、下流。我的痛苦与羞愧因此加剧了好几级。这么一来。除了因和奇亚拉一样对他抱有欲望而产生的羞耻,我对他既敬又畏,并且憎恨他——因为他令我厌恶自己。
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