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双语读剧:Call me by ...(一)57:但我要付出什么代价?

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2018年10月20日

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The fear never went away. I woke up to it, watched it turn to joy when I heard him shower in the morning and knew he’d be downstairs with us for breakfast, only to watch it curdle when, rather than have coffee, he would dash through the house and right away set to work in the garden. By noon, the agony of waiting to hear him say anything to me was more than I could bear. I knew that the sofa awaited me in an hour or so. It made me hate myself for feeling so hapless, so thoroughly invisible, so smitten, so callow. Just say something, just touch me, Oliver. Look at me long enough and watch the tears well in my eyes. Knock at my door at night and see if I haven’t already left it ajar for you. Walk inside. There’s always room in my bed.
 
恐惧从未离开。我醒来时它就在。早上听到他淋浴的声音,就知道他会下楼跟我们吃早餐,眼见它化为喜悦;然而,在他不喝咖啡,而是迅速走出屋外,立刻在花园里工作时,又只能眼见它变得闷闷不乐。到了中午,等待他给我只字片语的痛苦超乎我所能承受。我知道再过大约一小时,我只能独自躺在沙发上午睡。感觉如此无助、如此毫不起眼、如此迷恋、如此不成熟,令我憎恶自己。你就说句话吧,你就碰碰我吧,奥利弗。看我久一点,看泪水从我眼中涌出。夜里来敲我的门,看我是否为你打开一条小缝。走进来。我的床永远有空。
 
What I feared most were the days when I didn’t see him for stretches at a time—entire afternoons and evenings sometimes without knowing where he’d been. I’d sometimes spot him crossing the piazzetta or talking to people I’d never seen there. But that didn’t count, because in the small piazzetta where people gathered around closing time, he seldom gave me a second look, just a nod which might have been intended less for me than for my father, whose son I happened to be.
 
我最恐惧的是整个下午或晚上不见他踪影的日子,不知道他上哪儿去了。有时候我看到他横越小广场,或跟我从来没在那里见过的人说话。可那根本算不上见面。近打烊时间,大伙儿总会聚集到小广场上,他很少多看我一眼,只会点个头。那致意的对象与其说是我,不如说是父亲,而我正好是他儿子。
 
My parents, my father especially, couldn’t have been happier with him. Oliver was working out better than most of our summer residents. He helped my father organize his papers, managed a good deal of his foreign correspondence, and was clearly coming along with his own book. What he did in his private life and his time was his business—If youth must canter, then who’ll do the galloping? was my father’s clumsy adage. In our household, Oliver could do no wrong.
 
我的父母,尤其是父亲,对他再满意不过。奥利弗显然比其他许多夏天住客还要能干。他帮父亲整理文稿,处理许多外国寄来的信件,而他自己的书显然也有进展。他的私生活和他在私人时间做什么,是他的事。“如果年轻人只能慢慢跑,那谁还来飞奔?”这是父亲自创的笨拙格言。在我们家,奥利弗永远不会错。
 
Since my parents never paid any attention to his absences, I thought it was safer never to show that they caused me any anxiety. I mentioned his absence only when one of them wondered where he’d been; I would pretend to look as startled as they were. Oh, that’s right, he’s been gone so long. No, no idea. And I had to worry not to look too startled either, for that might ring false and alert them to what was eating at me. They’d know bad faith as soon as they spotted it. I was surprised they hadn’t already. They had always said I got too easily attached to people. This summer, though, I finally realized what they meant by being too easily attached. Obviously, it had happened before, and they must have already picked up on it when I was probably too young to notice anything myself. It had sent alarming ripples through their lives. They worried for me. I knew they were right to worry. I just hoped they’d never know how far things stood beyond their ordinary worries now. I knew they didn’t suspect a thing, and it bothered me—though I wouldn’t have wanted it otherwise. It told me that if I were no longer transparent and could disguise so much of my life, then I was finally safe from them, and from him—but at what price, and did I want to be so safe from anyone?
 
因为我父母从来不关心他在不在家,我觉得我最好别表现出对此多么焦虑。我只在父亲或母亲想知道他的下落时,才会提到他的缺席。我装出跟他们一样惊讶的样子。哦,对呀,他出去好久了。不,不知道。我也得注意别显得太惊讶,太过虚假会让他们警觉到有什么正在啃噬着我。他们总能一眼识破谎言,可到现在还没发现我真正的情感,真令我吃惊。他们总说我“太容易依恋”,然而直到今年夏天,我才总算了解他们所谓“太容易依恋”的意思。显然,我过去也是这样,在我或许还太年幼,难以自察的时候,他们已经注意到了。于是使他们感觉到了一丝引人担忧的涟漪。他们为我担忧。我知道他们丝毫不疑,这一点令我困扰,即使我也不希望事情往反方向发展。我因此知道,如果我不再透明,能够这样隐瞒我的生活,那么我也终于不用再怕被他们或他轻易看穿。但我要付出什么代价?我真的希望这样避开每个人吗?
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